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1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,October,2003 | You know what I love? This song: Switchfoot-- Meant to Live Fumbling his confidence And wond'ring why the world has passed him by Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments And failed attempts to fly, fly We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside Somewhere we live inside We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside Dreaming about Providence And whether mice or men have second tries Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open Maybe we're bent and broken, broken We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside Somewhere we live inside We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside We want more than this world's got to offer We want more than this world's got to offer We want more than the wars of our fathers And everything inside screams for second life We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? We were meant to live We were meant to live You know what else I love? getting back my first roll of newspaper film, and the majority of them are really good, and they are ALL at least semi usable {can you say Photoshop?} Ms. Rez calling me 'hon', which means she likes me, which is neat because she's one of my favorite teachers. Mr. Egner stopping me in the hall to talk to me, even though he's never had me in a class or anything, and he knows my name because 1. he caught me reading National Geographic once, and was in shock...{I'm not sure why, but he was} and 2. He came up after Mass at school Friday and told me that the reflection I gave was one of the best he ever heard, and he said he wasn't lieing, even though I'm pretty sure he was. ....and also on that note, that people are still stopping me in the halls to tell me they liked what I said Friday. Five of my teachers STOPPED CLASS to tell me they thought I did a good job, and random people I don't even know stop in the halls between classes. I was so scared people would make fun of me about that... AH! I have to go find Bobby a birthday present. {maybe more later?} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,November,2003 | when do I get my fairy tale? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,November,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,November,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,November,2003 | THIS DOESN'T MATTER. I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE! It's like playing the same cd over and over and you up hating just the first song because its the only one you listen to, and you just let the rest p l a y p l a y p l a y and I miss you, horribly I let the word roll across my tongue, so it sounds like I don't mean it. It's like seeing the mirror, seeing me and the darkness that disturbs me residing under my eyes. I stare with hatred at this one dimentional creature and the mirror cracks like lightning... broken, the bad luck already written across the palm of my hand, the palm I press against you, pushing you away. It leaves a stain, and I cry myself to sleep. Ironic, the connection, the falling rain falling down my face. singing me to sleep. yes:::::::::::::::::::::: s l e e p. I wonder who 'you' is. It could be you It could be the one. or it could be HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED {ha ha, harrypotter} because we just don't want to talk about it. You wonder if its YOU don't you? Sometimes it is. A lot of times it is, but you can't differentiate, and it doesn't matter anyway. There is a reason you don't know who you are. You can't make the connections, the things you know about me. Do you really know anything about me? You. do. You know too much, and yet still not enough My maze {ha ha!} perhaps you are lost.... of course you are, this is my maze and I don't even know where I am. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,November,2003 | So Sama and Chantele and I have had a girls day out... it was fun... but now we're watching chik fliks... which all three of us have agreed have become horribly depressing... especially the kissing scenes... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,November,2003 | Oh I wish for someone, for you For you whom my heart whispers to in night, When I am drowning in the darkness. You for whom my heart whispers silently A sound so silent I feel as if I could not possibly bear yet another night of such roaring silence. How I wish for the sound of your voice that makes me smile The words, the warmth that would bring me sleep. But for yet another night I am shivering in the violent silence, And I cannot bear it any longer. I only want what is my own... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,November,2003 | I feel really good about the past week. I've been trying to be nicer/more 'good' lately, because I was really starting to dislike my own personality. Thus I had fun sitting watching movies with my parents friday night, I walked across the quad and had a very interesting conversation with Mattea {a girl at school a lot of people don't really like to be around} Ali Sherman told me she though I was cool because I know what I believe in, and my faith is really strong, and yet I'm still willing to listen to other people's opinions. Mary Martha called me sweet. and I stood up... yes I stood up for Allison Jaros... THAT was hard. I was ready to go in on her, but I somehow managed to stop myself. In english Maggie and I were talking about misconceptions we have about people, and I was talking about some of the above mentioned girls, and then Maggie brought up Chantele... oh and Rose was sort of in on this conversation... and I was like, yeah a lot of people really don't understand Chantele, but there are times I want to slap her too... and Rose was like, Aren't you guys like bestest friends? and I said, yes, there are times she wants to slap me too, and we're friends because when one of us needs to be slapped, the other one does so.... anyway. Thanksgiving is tomorrow... as Mr. Thomas said in his Thanksgiving speech at mass yesterday... 'turn the 'have-to's' into 'get-to-do's'... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,November,2003 | I'm sick. ugh. I think I'm dieing. It makes me happier that we're staying here for Thanksgiving though... cuz I'll have time to recuperate... but I think I'm going to have to help a lot with dinner, since everybody seems to have something wrong with them... and I have a piano recital in a week and a half, and I haven't really practiced UGH! Then there's something I'm not talking about because I refuse to mess with it... oh, and I think I might go roller skating on Friday with Sama and Chantilly! YAY! and all I have left to say is... .:sigh:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,November,2003 | This time, I'm just going to sit and wait, and take what comes to me. ...come what may... {lol, yay for Moulin Rouge...} There are just so many directions I could go right now, and there is no way I can make this decision my self. I'll just wait and see which direction I am sent... or which direction comes to me... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,November,2003 | Ok, this song really is beautiful... its a duet on Matt Maher's cd called 'Set me as a Seal' Set me as a seal on your heart, set me as a seal on your soul, for strong as death is love, unyielding as the grave. Nothing will quench its flame... nothing will quench its flame. kiss me, my love that your name be on my lips. You intoxicate my being with the fragrance of your presence. How beautiful you are my darling. Show me your face, let me hear your voice. Sweet as the dew in the early morn, like a lily among the thorns. I looked for you, the one my heart lovew. I looked for you, but did not find you. I searched through the night until I rested in your sight. NOw I will never let you go. You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride, you have stolen my hear with one glance of your eyes. Your lips are so sweet, adorned with honey. My hands, they drip with myrrh. Set me as a seal on your heart, set me as a seal on your soul. For strong as death is love, unyielding as the grave. Nothing will quench its flame. I actually got to talk to Matt Maher at NCYC... which was really cool, and I told him I absolutely loved this song, and he explained to me that its not just about a boy and a girl, its actually about the relationship between God and the Church/his people, which I thought was amazing... I've listened to this song like five times today... the harmonies are stuck in my head. oh well. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,November,2003 | for some reason, I find this song just absolutely beautiful. must be your skin that i'm sinking in must be for real cuz now i can feel and i didn't mind it's not my kind not my time to wonder why everything's gone white and everything's grey now you're here now you're away i don't want this remember that i'll never forget where you're at don't let the days go by glycerine i'm never alone i'm alone all the time are you at one or do you lie we live in a wheel where everyone steals but when we rise it's like strawberry fields if i treated you bad you bruise my face couldn't love you more you got a beautiful taste don't let the days go by could have been easier on you i couldn't change though i wanted to could have been easier by three our old friend fear and you and me glycerine (repeat) don't let the days go by glycerine i needed you more when we wanted us less i could not kiss just regress it might just be clear simple and plain that's just fine that's just one of my names don't let the days go by could've been easier on you glycerine |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,November,2003 | She said 'don't, don't let it go to your head Boys like you are a dime a dozen, Boys like you are a dime a dozen' She said 'you're a touch overrated, you're a lush and I hate it but these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing' And all I (all I) Need to know (need to know) Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin (is that I'm somethin that you're missin) (maybe I should hate for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that far (maybe I should hate for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that... I'd never lie to you Unless I had to I'll do what I got to Unless I had to I'll do what I go to, the truth is you could slit my throat And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt And all I (all I) Need to know (need to know) Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin (is that I'm somethin that you're missin) (maybe I should hate for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that far (maybe I should hate for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that... Cuase I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions This'll be last chance you get to drop my name Cuase I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions This'll be last chance you get to drop my name If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,November,2003 | jazzboyj99 [7:43 PM]: so have you recovered from NCYC Soybeenchik847 [7:43 PM]: not in the slightest Soybeenchik847 [7:44 PM]: I want to go back already jazzboyj99 [7:44 PM]: lol jazzboyj99 [7:44 PM]: why do you want to go back Soybeenchik847 [7:45 PM]: because I love that environment, where I can actually decide what I want to do for myself, and I love being around people who all believe the same thing I do, and I want to be WARM again jazzboyj99 [7:45 PM]: did you gain anything spiritually from NCYC Soybeenchik847 [7:46 PM]: Yeah to me, its real proof that what I live for is something real. it just seems like 23,000 oeople who are that excited about that excited about their faith can't possibly be wrong Soybeenchik847 [7:46 PM]: *people jazzboyj99 [7:46 PM]: lol jazzboyj99 [7:47 PM]: i don't think any faith is wrong necessarily Soybeenchik847 [7:48 PM]: I suppose that's not really what I mean... its just kind of like a support for what sometimes feels like I'm the only one that believes in it jazzboyj99 [7:48 PM]: ah i see jazzboyj99 [7:48 PM]: you go to a catholic school jazzboyj99 [7:48 PM]: how is that possible Soybeenchik847 [7:49 PM]: It just seems like most people don't really care... yeah they're catholic, but it doesn't really mean anything jazzboyj99 [7:49 PM]: so did you feel everyone in our church were as spiritually stirred as you were Soybeenchik847 [7:53 PM]: ok... well, I don't really know. SOme times I feel like maybe I'm a little too obsessed I guess... though I'm not sure that really makes sense... like maybe my faith means so much to me that it isn't really genuine jazzboyj99 [7:53 PM]: you don't have a genuine faith? Soybeenchik847 [7:54 PM]: I think I do, but sometimes I wonder if its not just me really needing something to hold on to, and overexaggerating my faith jazzboyj99 [7:55 PM]: why would you need something to hold on to Soybeenchik847 [7:56 PM]: because everything else that is important to me is really unstable jazzboyj99 [7:57 PM]: how strongly do you believe in the creed Soybeenchik847 [7:58 PM]: I think out of every part of the catholic church the creed is what makes the most sense to me jazzboyj99 [7:58 PM]: then your faith is fine jazzboyj99 [7:58 PM]: it outlines everything we, as catholics believe, and if you are in line with that jazzboyj99 [7:58 PM]: i don't see a problem Soybeenchik847 [7:59 PM]: yeah... jazzboyj99 [8:00 PM]: it's good that catholicism is stable for you jazzboyj99 [8:00 PM]: a lot of times one's religion is a very unstable part of their livse, and for you to say it is stable, is very cool Soybeenchik847 [8:03 PM]: Its the one thing that has remained constant since the day I was born... jazzboyj99 [8:05 PM]: so why this questioning of your genuine beliefs then jazzboyj99 [8:05 PM]: you can never lean on religion too much, it represents so much of who we are and what we believe jazzboyj99 [8:05 PM]: it impacts most of our daily lives Soybeenchik847 [8:06 PM]: because its something I've known since the day I was born... I never really had to work for it, it was just there, so how do I know its really real? jazzboyj99 [8:06 PM]: by applying to everything you do and living your faith jazzboyj99 [8:10 PM]: do you feel you do that Soybeenchik847 [8:10 PM]: I could always do better... jazzboyj99 [8:14 PM]: we all could jazzboyj99 [8:14 PM]: here's a secret, nobody is perfect Soybeenchik847 [8:14 PM]: really??? Soybeenchik847 [8:15 PM]: lol jazzboyj99 [8:15 PM]: yep jazzboyj99 [8:16 PM]: are you bored with catholicism Soybeenchik847 [8:17 PM]: no, I'm still always learning something new that occupies me, and then I move on to something else... Catholicism is so deep and complex, I don't think I could ever be bored with it jazzboyj99 [8:17 PM]: lol ok jazzboyj99 [8:17 PM]: i used to be really bored with it jazzboyj99 [8:18 PM]: i didn't start this youth ministry track till like my junior year in college Soybeenchik847 [8:19 PM]: I think living with my mom, and being as involved as I am at church, there's always something I'm trying to understand... if not specifically about catechism, or how the church works, about who God is, or how my faith fits in with everything Soybeenchik847 [8:20 PM]: see... that's what I don't understand... how come most people don't really know or understand their faith until they get older, and my main occupation right now is my faith? jazzboyj99 [8:20 PM]: maturity maybe, something grabbed you, and you rode it jazzboyj99 [8:20 PM]: i never had any spiritual influences in my life jazzboyj99 [8:21 PM]: i went to church because dad made me jazzboyj99 [8:21 PM]: and when i got more involved in college, things kind of took off jazzboyj99 [8:21 PM]: for every person it's something different Soybeenchik847 [8:22 PM]: yeah, I guess jazzboyj99 [8:22 PM]: what bothers you about it jazzboyj99 [8:23 PM]: you aren't allowed to have such a deep faith at your age? Soybeenchik847 [8:24 PM]: I don't know... just compared to most other people, it seems weird jazzboyj99 [8:25 PM]: what about that one dude at ncyc who started freeing children at age 12 Soybeenchik847 [8:26 PM]: see that's something extraordinary, and nothing I'm doing compares to that... I meant compared to people who actually seem real to me jazzboyj99 [8:26 PM]: lol jazzboyj99 [8:26 PM]: why do you have to compare at all Soybeenchik847 [8:26 PM]: because that's what being a teenager is all about... Soybeenchik847 [8:26 PM]: lol jazzboyj99 [8:27 PM]: what you think adults don't compare? Soybeenchik847 [8:27 PM]: lol, well, then its just human nature in general jazzboyj99 [8:28 PM]: maybe Soybeenchik847 [8:30 PM]: I don't know.... Catholicism has always facinated me... I remember in 2nd grade this kid calling me a walking religion book, and when my mom started working in the Religious Ed. office at St. John's, I'd go in there twice a week or so, and be like, 'I have a question.' and usually neither my mom or the DRE knew the answer, but they'd help me look it up jazzboyj99 [8:31 PM]: so you think because you are ahead of your times maybe your beliefs aren't as strong Soybeenchik847 [8:31 PM]: or maybe I'm just a nerd... Soybeenchik847 [8:31 PM]: lol jazzboyj99 [8:31 PM]: i'm a nerd, but that's common knowledge jazzboyj99 [8:33 PM]: i don't think you should worry about it Soybeenchik847 [8:34 PM]: speaking of being a nerd though, I should probably go finish some research for my theology paper jazzboyj99 [8:34 PM]: i think your faith is fine, unless you are seriously doubting right now jazzboyj99 [8:34 PM]: yeah, i have to study myself Soybeenchik847 [8:34 PM]: no, that was freshman year... jazzboyj99 [8:34 PM]: later Soybeenchik847 [8:34 PM]: I wanted to be jewish Soybeenchik847 [8:34 PM]: lol Soybeenchik847 [8:34 PM]: bye |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,November,2003 | For some reason I have a facination with what people think of me, or who people think of me as. Yesterday Mandy said that I'm a good person, because I automatically like people, and she's a bad person because she hates strangers and people she doesn't know. I told her she couldn't hate someone she doesn't know. I find this intriguing. She also told me that I should not be like her because she was a 'sad model of a human being' and that I should stay like me? mmmhmmm... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,November,2003 | And so I'll promise you that none of this really matters. I've been saying for ages that its not that big of a deal. I'll put in some excerpts from what I wrote the other day: {I can't put all, because then you might actually begin to understand, and we can't have that, can we?} I want, so very badly, to go away, to be gone, to hold my breath and disappear into nothingness, and for my existance to be forgotten. Therefore, it wouldn't matter any more, nothing would. You would have never known me, and been all the better for it. This sickening knot would melt into serenity and would be no more. Marbles roll across the floor to disappear between cracks in the floorboards, and pictures flicker across the movie screen which is the landscape of my mind. Images which possibly never were, figments {a fig is a fruit, a fruit that was meant to be?} of my imagination. Do I miss the fruit? I miss what used to be my reality, perhaps not a real reality, but mine all the same. I've come to hate the sound of my name on people's lips. It's inconsistancy tires me.... I also think If I really were perfect, then everything would be ok. Then I would know all the answers. This is merely my response... yet another piece of fruit. I think of Margaret Atwood, and her heroine who drove off the side of a bridge in her sister's car, and with yet another piece of fruit {perhaps this time it is a pear} I think of the girl's hands, gloves cuffed with lace, clutching the steering wheel. and I look up and see the lacey iron works of the side of the bridge... but my car is my own, and I have no gloves. ...On the palm of my hand there's a disaster. I must have been born with it. I carry it with me wherever I go. When he touched me, the bad luck came off on him. I am awake now. I think of the questions they've asked. Are you happy Rachel? I think please, please don't say my name. and I say yes of course I am. Things are going very well for me. I smile. Is everything ok Rachel? not my name. my name. Everything's fine, why do you ask? Are you sure? I feel the pressure, bugging out my eyeballs. I blink. Yes of course. and I am craving a fig newton. and I think I've already said too much, but I need someone to save me. I need a piece of sanity. but it never seems to be enough. and its never the right person. there always seems to be more instead of less. and I am not thankful for this bountiful harvest. I feel as if I should be crying tears of something other than mere salty water, these tears should tears of lead, though their release doesn't lighten my load at all, and I keep them to myself. You don't need to know this nor do I. There are things I wish I had never known things I wish I could forget. things I wish would cease their constant flashing across my mind. and I have nothing left to do there was never anything I could do. Perhaps I should be yet another depressed teenager restrained by drugs. or perhaps I will be alright, just like I always am, and none of this matters, just like I said. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,November,2003 | So perhaps my puzzle pieces don't fit together the way I thought they had, and need rearranging. I feel like I'm always pulling away from everything. For once I want to dive in head first. Sometimes I wonder if something happened to me, if I would start getting the answers I want. Would I find out what really matters? Won't someone finally tell me the things I need to know? Looking back, I've been asking so many questions lately. INEEDANSWERS. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,December,2003 | all I want is to be at peace at peace with my reason and my heart { Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point do look it up, it might mean something to you... its french.} I want to be free of this constant inner turmoil, and for the nightmares to go away. I want to sleep at night... enveloped in the safety of... of something {I'm witholding things again.} I can't make you understand... I can't make you understand how I can't cry anymore, and I fear I can't feel any more, that I've gone numb from this constant tearing. I wake up in the middle of the night just in time to silence my coming screams, and in the dieing hours of the night, I remember things that by right are not my own. I remember the nights I've died over and again. The nights my wrists were slit, the nights my heart was gouged from between my ribs. I do not understand this constant turmoil that you have bequeathed to me, why has this become mine, and how shall you save me from it, if you shall. Why do I not believe a word that comes out of your mouth... why does it seem that each word drips with honey that instead of being golden sweet is bitter bloody red? and yet I long for the nights gone past when I was torn body from soul, and did not know the meaning of the word light, I did not know light or love, but I thought I did. I thought I did and that was all that mattered. I was safe locked in the dark dungeons of your heart, buried alive, but safe... and loved. and that was all that mattered {Isn't it all that matters?} It doesn't matter. Nothing does. stumbling across things that remind me of you, the residue that you left, I find the words that made me smile, things I curse you for now, because I find that pieces still ring clear and true, and pieces are lies, all lies...promises made, the things I would never ask of you {or him either} and I want to cry but I can't... why? the threats, I've found those too, and I remember why, the swollen lump in my throat, the gasping for breath comes back all over again, and I remember why, I remember the pain... but there's still the pain I bear now, though different. This pain is dull, like an ancient sword rusted away through ages of memory. Your pain was sharp, a sparkling dagger at my trembling throat. I'm wearied of this hurt, and wish it to be no more... I know you could kill this pain... but I fear you could bring your pain again as well. These irrelevant familiarities kill me. I know you too well, while I know you not at all. You've always known that... always was a long, long time ago. I was wrong then, and so were you. Whose to say that things would be right now? {right now, not the future.} Not the future, that you would not ask again the impossible of me. Things you asked... the things I longed to do... the impossible. and What of my dreams, my hope... my passion and will to live? smothered and turned away... The trampled roses, blood red that I have nurtured to be more beautiful than before, They shall not die. I am not quite who I was before. I have learned not to fear the silence so. I have learned that it is better to go than to stay, but to stay is neccesary if anything is to be accomplished. I have learned what it is to be who I am, and I don't believe I could be bent like before {I don't believe, but I doubt, and that is my greatest fear.} I don't understand. that is all. I don't understand. ...and no, this time, I'm not alright. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,December,2003 | You know for a while there, I was terribly frightened. I had returned {unto} my concious life, and realized that it was not genuine, as I had hoped. Now I turn again to a little night music {Sondheim?} for a fragment of reality which is a figment of my imagination. and now I am safe once more, wrapped in the hammock of pinpricks {light or perhaps pain} but it doesn't matter. yes, there it is again. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,December,2003 | Merry Christmas... God bless! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,December,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,December,2003 | hee hee, I love foxtrot! and there's an ad for EMU OIL on my blog...? pure randomness!?! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,December,2003 | I think I want to get my hair cut like this. or maybe even like this... but I doubt it. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,December,2003 | I want to go see the Return of the King horribly so... Patience is a virtue. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,December,2003 | its not what you think it is... please I begged you on my knees what more did you want you said I can't make it stop but you did eventually I haven't stopped bleeding bleeding for you my soul pouring out and draining away draining into your blue suffocating lungs sustaining life. You are breathing my blood. and I shall die. I can feel you when you're never there I can feel your blackness creeping into the depths of me I can feel your blackness choking... drowning me drowning in you and honestly, I just don't understand this. My life seems to be going around in circles. I'm standing in the same place I have been for the past year, and I find myself wondering the same questions I've been asking for ages now, and still I am left completely without answers. I DON'T understand, the only thing I've come to realize is that this is not how things are supposed to be, and I have no idea how to change them. The only thing I can depend on being consistant is me, and God... I feel like God's telling me something, but its like the message is in an ancient language that was forgotten ions ago, that no one can help me understand. Even my blog entries seem to be repeating themselves. Going back through my archives, I see the same questions {?}, the same longing {unquenched thirst} for answers, and the same empty {gaping} holes waiting to be filled with the missing pieces. pleasepleaseanswers |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,December,2003 | She said 'don't, don't let it go to your head Boys like you are a dime a dozen, Boys like you are a dime a dozen' She said 'you're a touch overrated, you're a lush and I hate it but these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing' She says it's cold outside and she hands me a raincoat She's always worried about things like that She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault And she only sleeps when it's raining And she screams and her voice is straining She says baby It's 3 am I must be lonely When she says baby Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes Says the rain's gonna wash it away I believe it She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to And she only sleeps when it's raining And she screams and her voice is straining She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway but outside it's stopped raining She dreams a champagne dream Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper Lavender and cream Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her She says that love is for fools who fall behind she woke in the morning she knew that her life had passed her by. and she called out a warning , warning 'dont ever let life pass you by.' She screams in silence A sullen riot penetrating through her mind Waiting for a sign to smash the silence with the brick of self control She's figured out all her doubts Were someone else's point of view Scream at me until my ears bleed I'm taking heed just for you She says Im not her man She says its not that way I cannot remember what she says I hear the trumpets blow I hear the music play And I hear most every word she says She says shes not afraid to be on her own And I should not worry where shes gone But she says she cries when shes alone And shes still alone She can turn me in I can do the same And everybody disappears She can turn me round She can scream my name And I dont even hear her tears And she had to know it would be like this But its not as bad as she thinks it is And she says she cries when shes alone Shes still alone Its a silent world and I dont belong And she must have known that all along Shes an ancient queen In a modern land I just want to take and hold her hand I do what she says Its the least I can And she wants to know who I think I am But she says she cries when shes alone And shes still alone And she says its over now I hope you see And she wants to rid herself of me But she says she cries when shes alone and shes still alone and tell me, why does every thing always have to be so hard? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,December,2003 | ...this makes me laugh... I saw Taylor Hill at church today... I haven't seen him in a long long long time... that all seems like it was ages ago... It almost makes me want to say that I miss him, and maybe I do, but I won't say that... just like I won't say lots of things. This really does feel kinda weird, but it feels good too. I haven't been really single for almost two years, and I'm intending to enjoy it now. .:excuse me, my favorite song just came on the radio{bush, glycerine}:. anyway... I like feeling like I am completely independent, and that I don't need anybody to make me happy. I am completely self sufficient... and I'm starting to think that relationships in general are a bad idea, somebody always gets hurt, no matter what happens. so maybe I will stay single... at least until college... but there's nothing wrong with friends with benefits right? but you know me, always lieing to myself. the next guy that comes along, that happens to be to my liking... I miss feeling loved, and knowing that somebody is thinking about me... and I miss feeling safe wrapped in someone's arms... and having somebody to talk to, confide in, laugh with... but it doesn't matter... I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,December,2003 | p.s. Cary Grant is absolutely beautiful. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,December,2003 | What if someday, every thing I want is no longer what I want? What if I find myself in the middle of Tibet in a buddhist monestary, on assignment from National Geographic {I can't even begin to make you understand how wonderfully beautiful that sounds now} and I find that I despise the lifestyle I've taken on? What if my passion ceases to be passionate? What will I do now? I suppose that, for now, all I can do is be as fervently passionate as I can... because a fire that burns higher than the trees cannot possibly be extinguished in a single moment... can it? and look, there's 900 hits... soon I'll have a thousand... that's kind of cool. On the main blogger site there's an article about Bloggers getting book deals because of their blogs. Maybe I'll get a book deal? {ha, yeah right!} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,December,2003 | one more thing before I go to bed...{I have to get up early in the morning and go to church to practice our music for Christmas Eve.} I am torn. .:to shreds:. my god, my god, why have you forsaken me? when I know truely truely, it I, I who have forsaken forsaken forsaken Rachel, forsaken her GOD? never.... Rachel, Rachel, why have you forsaken YOURSELF? you have/are making this darkness around you drawing it closer, painting its pain for mere entertainment. What is this? WHY? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY QUESTIONS? and so precious few answers? and why is everything, everything always the same? just as the early hours of the twighlight morning reflect, mirrored from day to day... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,December,2003 | what're the bets on how long this purple/pink/girly/kinda sickening layout lasts? I'm not even really in that kind of mood... it just happened... blech. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,December,2003 | I was bored. now I have a pretty new blogge. that's how we're going to spell it now.. blogge... it makes it look french or something. I'm still bored. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,December,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,December,2003 | ^this is where I spent my day today, with my mom^ |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,December,2003 | 'You're the most beautiful person I know.' she says. 'I love you.' he replies. 'but you scare me...' she whispers. 'I love you.' he says again.' 'I'll always be frightened of you.' 'I love you.' and that makes it alright. 'salome, don't you believe in god?' 'does he believe in me?' 'have you given him any reason to?' 'no I suppose not.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,December,2003 | Yellowcard--Ocean Avenue There's a place off Ocean Avenue Where I used to sit and talk with you We were both 16 and it felt so right Sleeping all day, staying up all night Staying up all night There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street We would walk on the beach in our bare feet We were both 18 and it felt so right Sleeping all day, staying up all night Staying up all night If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever Let your waves crash down on me and take me away There's a piece of you that's here with me It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by I can make believe that you're here tonight That you're here tonight If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together Let your waves crash down on me and take me away I remember the look in your eyes When I told you that this was goodbye You were begging me not tonight Not here, not now We're looking up at the same night sky And keep pretending the sun will not rise Be together for one more night Somewhere, somehow If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together Let your waves crash down on me and take me away |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,December,2003 | I have decided that I hate hospitals. I am horribly closterphobic right now, and I have a way of adopting other people's pain as my own.... if not just my mother's... as I was walking past ICU, a lady came out, and she looked as though she hadn't slept in days, her eyes were bloodshot, as though she had been crying. {2:11} I felt a horrible sadness rise up inside me, and I had tears running down my face as I continued down the hall, and I was imagining the trials this woman must be going through. Now I am sitting in a tiny room with my mother, watching her heart beat on the monitor... she's sleeping, because her pulse is only 65... My mother has tubes coming out of her all over the place, and oxygen to her nose, and she is very very extrememly pale.{2:19... I have to help her remember what time to take her medicine...} I think I'll be here the rest of the day... and probably most of tomorrow, except for my american lit final at 8... I know everything is going to be ok, but why am I still so scared? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,December,2003 | OH! and the Return of the King comes out tomorrow. YAY! {ha, eowyn} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,December,2003 | I'm watching My Fair Lady It's been my favorite musical since I was four or something... yes, four. I was a weird kid like that. I've always loved old movies. and I've always wished I looked like Audrey Hepburn... though someone did tell me I looked like Natalie Portman the other day, which was lovely. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,December,2003 | Whoever invented finals should be shot... honestly... There are a lot of people I want to hang out with over break, and happily, a lot of people who want to hang out with me. It's nice to know that I'm loved {I'm not. people just like me because I'm nice....I 'care' about people might tell you. I'm watching Cinderella :-) iwantmyfairytale |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,December,2003 | well... coming up on a YEAR of blogging here, which I think is a little crazy... yup, crazy. I keep waking up at one in the morning with a strong desire to do something... what Rachels often love to do at one in the morning... but I can't tell you what, because that would be TOO MUCH...{as usual} I'm in one of those moods again... and its just one of those days .:cry:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,December,2003 | -Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend. urlLink What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla ....and I didn't cheat...ha ha. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,December,2003 | I feel self-contained right now, which is good. I'm working the kinks out of my life. I have less to worry about, because I'm beginning to accomplish what I set out to do last March, and accept today for today, and realize that right now IS RIGHT NOW, and that I can't waste Right Now on what has already been, or what is to come. It is my mission to understand what is right now, and how to find a happy medium between being reckless with my future, and being reckless with my present... and this might not make sense to you, but it does to me. There are things in the past that have caused wrinkles in my present, but I'm beginning to smooth them out, and that makes me feel a lot better. I'm reading another comfort food book from my past... A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L'Engle: ' Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point. French. Pascal. The heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,December,2003 | hee hee. These are amusing... you never know what you're going to get. Your anime hair color is blue. urlLink What is your anime hair color? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,December,2003 | You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike angst, you don't have to look for a reason to be miserable. You want to be in the company of people but aren't sure how to act when you're with them. Sometimes you have to make an effort. You can't always wait for others to come to you. urlLink What feeling do you represent? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,December,2003 | {This is the last one. This is the real reason I'm afraid I'll never have the courage to have kids.} 'When my mother first told me she was pregnant, she added, 'At last! We really are going to fill this house up with children.' At first I didn't like the idea. What was wrong with just having me? My mother, father, and I were our own little unit. As the baby grew inside her, my mother let me listen to its heartbeat and feel it kicking against her, and I started looking forward to seeing this baby. I hoped it would be a girl, and I would have a little sister. Together my father, my mother and I decorated the nursery. WE painted it sparkling white and hung yellow curtains. My father stripped an old dresser and repainted it. People gave us the tiniest baby clothes. We washed and folded each shirt, each jumpsuit, each sleeper. We bought fresh new cloth diapers because my mother liked to see diapers hanging on the line outside. The one thing we could not settle on was a name. Nothing seemed quite right. Nothing was perfect enough for this baby. My father seemed more worried about this than my mother. 'Something will come to us,' my mother said.'The perfect name will arrive in the air one day.' Three weeks before the baby was due, it came. I heard my father telephoning the doctor. 'She won't make it,' he said. 'Its happening, right now.' I walked down the hall. My mother was sunk into the pillow sweating, and groaning. 'Something's wrong,' she said to my father. She saw mestanding there and said, 'You shouldn't watch. I don't think I'm very good at this.' In the hallway outside her room, I lowered my self to the floor. The doctor came. My mother screamed just one, one long, mournful wail, and then it was quiet. When the doctor carried the baby out of the room, I asked to see it. It had a pale bluish tinge and there were marks on its neck where the umbilical chord had strangled it. 'It might have been dead for hours,' the doctor told my father. 'I just can't say exactly.' 'Was it a boy or a girl?' I asked. The doctor whispered his answer, 'A girl.' My father looked shaken, but he didn't seem concerned about the baby anymore. He kept going in and touching my mother. I went into my mother's room and crawled up on the bed beside her. She was staring at the ceiling. 'Let me hold it,' she said. 'Hold what?' 'The baby,' she said. Her voice sounded odd and silly. My father came in and she asked him for the baby. He leaned down and said, 'I wish- I wish-' 'The baby,' she said. 'It didn't make it,' he said. 'I'll hold the baby,' she said. 'It didn't make it,' he repeated. 'It can't be dead,' she said, in that same singsong voice. 'It was alive just a minute ago.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,December,2003 | ' ... I started daydreaming about my mother, who loved books almost as much as she loved all her outdoor treasures. She liked to carry little books in her pocket and sometimes when we were out in the fields, she would flop down in the grass and started reading aloud.' 'One morning when I awoke very early, I was my mother walking up the hill to the barn. Mist hung about the ground, finches were singing in te oak tree beside the house, and there was my mother, her pregnant belly sticking out in front of her. She was strolling up the hill swinging her arms singing: Oh, don't fall in love with a sailor boy, a sailor boy, a sailor boy- oh don't fall in love with a sailor boy, 'Cause he'll take your heart to sea.- As she approached the corner of the barn where the sugar maple stands, she plucked a few blackberries and popped them into her mouth. SHe looked all around her- back at the house, across the fields, and up into the canopy of branches overhead. She took several quick steps up to the tree of the maple, threw her arms around it, and kissed that tree soundly. Later that day, I examined this tree trunk. I tried to wrap my arms about it, but the trunk was much bigger than it had seemed from my window. I looked up at where her mouth must have touched the trunk. I probably imagined this, but I thought I could detect a small dark stain, as from a blackberry kiss.' ' 'Phoebe's mother went away,' I said. He {her father} looke up at me. 'She left some notes. She says she's coming back, but I don't believe it.' I went up stairs and tried to work on my mythology project. My father came to the doorway and said, 'People usually come back.' Now I can see that he was just talking in general, just trying to be comforting, but then- that night- what I heard in what he said was the tiniest reassurance of something I had been thinking and hoping. I had been praying that a miracle whould happen and my mother would come back and we would return to Bybanks and everything would be exactly as it used to be.' ''How do you know that someone didn't make Mom go to Idaho? Maybe it was blackmail...' 'Sal your mother went because she wanted to go.' 'We should have stopped her.' 'A person isn't a bird. You can't cage a person.' 'She shouldn't have gone. I she hadn't fone-' 'Sal, I'm sure she intended to come back...You can't predict-a person can't foresee- you never know.' He put his arm around me and we sat there together on the porch, two people being completely pitiful and lost.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,December,2003 | 'My mother was right when she said my father was good. He was always thinking of little things to cheer up someone else. THis nearly drove my mother crazy because I think she wanted to keep up with him, but it was not her natural gift like it was with my father... 'I had never seeh him angry. 'Sometimes I don't think you're human,' my mother told him. It was the sort of thing she said just before she left, and it bothered me because it seemed as if she wanted him to be meaner, less good. Two days before she left, when I first heard her raise the subject of leaving, she said, 'I feel so rotten in comparison.' 'Sugar, you're not rotten,' he said. 'See?' she said. 'See? Why couldn't you at least believe I'm rotten?' 'Because you're not,' he said. She said she had to leave in order to clear her head, and to clear her heart of all the bad things. She needed to learn about who she was. 'You can do that here, Sugar,' he said. 'I need to do it on my own,' she said. ' I can't think. All I see here is what I am not. I am not brave. I am not good. And I wish someone would call me by my real name. My name isn't Sugar. It's Chanhassen.' She had not been well. She had had some terrible shocks, it is true, but I did not understand why she could not get better with us. I begged her to take me with her, but she said I could not miss school, and my father needed me and besides, she had to go alone. She HAD to. I thought she might change her mind, or at least tell me when she was leaving. But she did neither of those things. She left me a letter which explained that if she said good-bye, it would be too terribly painful and it would sound too permanent. She wanted me to know that she would think of me every minute and that she would be back before the tulips bloomed. But, of course, she was not back before the tulips bloomed.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,December,2003 | So maybe I'm even weirder than I thought I was. Apparently I picked up a LOT of things from Walk Two Moons... 'Then he said to me, 'Don't people touch each other at your house?' 'What's that supposed to mean?' 'I just wondered,' he said. 'You flinch every time someone touches you.' 'I do not.' 'You do.' He touched my arm. I have to admit, my instinct was to flinch but I caught myself.... He touched my arm again. When I flinched he said, 'Ha! Gotcha!'...maybe I was starting to flinch whenever anyone touched me.' and I thought that was just a weird quirky thing I came up with on my own... Its been a long time since I've read this book... its like a comfort food or a little kids blanket... its very calming. and for some reason, I just know I'm going to end up being like the mom in this story... or that its very possible. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of commitment... 'Lying in bed remembering those blackberries made me think of something else too. It was something that happened a couple years ago, on a morning when my mother slept late. It was that time she was pregnant. My father had already eaten breakfast, and he was out in the fields. On the table, my father had left a single flower in each of two juice glasses- a black-eyed susan in front of my place, and a white petunia in front of my mother's. When my mother came into the kitchen, she said, 'Glory!' She bent her face towards each flower. 'Let's go find him.' We climbed the hill to the barn, crawled between the fence wires, and crossed the field. My father was standing at the far end of the field, his back to us, hands on his hips. looking at a section of fence. My mother slowed down when she saw him. I was right behind her. I looked as if she wanted to creep up and surprise him, so I was quiet too and cautios in my steps. I could hardly keep from giggling. It seemed so daring to be sneaking up on my father and I was sure my mother was going to throw her arems around him and kiss hime and hug him and tell him how much she loved the flower on the kitchen table. My mother always loved anything that normally grows or lives out of doors-anything- lizards, trees, cows, caterpillars, birds, flowers, crickets, toads, ants, pigs. Just before we reached my father, he turned around. THis startled my mother and threw her off guard. She stopped. 'Sugar-' he said. {Sugar is her name... really... isn't that cool?} My mother opened her mouth, and I was thinking, 'Come on! Throw your arms around him! Tell him!' but before she could speak my father pointed to the fence and said, 'Look at that. A morning's work.' He indicated a new length of wire strung between two new posts. THere was sweat on his face and arms. And then I saw that my mother was crying. My father saw it too. 'What-' he said. 'Oh you're too good , John.' she said. 'You're too good. All you Hiddles are too good. I'll never be so good. I'll never be able to think of all the things-' My father looked down at me. 'The flowers,' I said. 'oh.' He put his sweaty arms around her, but she was still crying, and it wasn't what I had imagined it would be. It was all sad instead of happy. The next morning when I went into the kitchen, my father was standing beside the table looking at two small dishes of blackberries- still shiny and wet with dew- one dish at his place, and one dish at mine. 'Thanks' I said. 'No, it wasn't me,' he said. 'It was your mother.' Just then, she came in from the back porch. My father put his arms around her and they smooched and it was all tremendously romantic, and I started to turn away, but my mother caught my arm and said to me, -though it was almost meant for my father, I think- 'See? I'm almost as good as your father!' She said it in a shy way, laughing a little. I felt betrayed, but I didn't know why.' That is what I'm going to be like. and you don't know the rest of what this mother does... but its me. I promise. I probably won't be writing much just from me until I'm done reading this book, I'll just give you more little pieces of her/me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,December,2003 | I was just re-reading Walk Two Moons, by Sharon Creech. Its a book I was madly in love with when I was 5th grade/middle school, back when I had no friends, and did nothing but read books day and night. As I was re-reading this book I realized how much I really picked up from those books I read back then, like as I was reading this one particular part... ' She slid into the seat next to me and said, 'You are brave.' To tell you the truth, I was surprisied. You could have knocked me over with a chicken feather. 'Me? I'm not brave.' 'You are. You are brave.' I was not. I, Salamanca Tree Hiddle, was afraid of lots and lots of things. For example, I was terrified of car accidents, death, cancer, brain tumors, nuclear war, pregnant women, loud noises, strict teachers, elevators, and scads of other things. But I was not afraid of spiders, snakes and wasps. Phoebe, and nearly everyone else in my new class did not have much fondness for these creatures. But on that day, when a dignified black spider was investigating my desk, I cupped my hands around it and carried it to the window, and sit it outside on the ledge. Mary Lou Finney said, 'Alpha and Omega will you look at that!' Beth Ann was as white as milk. All around the room people were acting as if I had single-handedly taken on a fire breathing dragon. What I have since realized is that if people expect you to be brave sometimes you pretend that you are, even when you are frightened down to your very bones.' and I {I, Rachel} when I read that in fifth grade greatly admired Salamanca Tree Hiddle and wanted to be brave like her... and I have not been afraid of spiders, snakes or wasps... but I did sort of switch frogs/turtles/lizards for the snake part... I'm not all that fond of their beady eyes and forked tongue. And people have that same reaction to me walking around with bugs on my hands. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,December,2003 | Idiots. All idiots. Just leave me alone. Please. Red handed, I cup the light in my hands, At my touch it glimmers, Falters, and its Holy halo Flickers away. The silence has taught me all it has to teach, And in its forgetfulness, Has begun its lessons again. In my mind The hands, reaching out, Spinning? Much to fast, And suddenly they are stopped. If only if only I wish perhaps you knew but yet again, it would be too much.. And I have neither the strength nor the mental capacity to deal with you right now, And I will not answer the phone. He thinks he has me figured out Ha Ha ha Now THAT is amusing. Be listened. Disjointed thoughts, dont bother pondering Im random enough as it is, And today, my head hurts. Dont tell me what you think Dont tell me at all I dont care who you are. I dont care who you were. I dont care It doesnt matter {If I say it enough, it will work, it WILL} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,December,2003 | The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top The snow is softly fallin' The air is still within the silence of my room I hear your voice softly callin' If I could only have you near To breathe a sigh or two I would be happy just to hold the hands I love Upon this winter night with you The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead My glass is almost empty I read again between the lines upon the page The words of love you sent me If I could know within my heart That you were lonely too I would be happy just to hold the hands I love Upon this winter night with you The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim The shades of night are liftin' The mornin' light steals across my windowpane Where webs of snow are driftin' If I could only have you near To breathe a sigh or two I would be happy just to hold the hands I love And to be once again with with you To be once again with with you I'm tired of dreaming about my future... I want to live my dreams now. I want things to end up the way they're supposed to, NOW. I'm tired of promises that everything will be alright eventually... someday... oh how I hate that word. and I'm dreadfully cold again. I don't care if you know anymore IT DOESN'T MATTER. nothing does. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 04,December,2003 | Hold me close Baby please Tell me anything But that youre gonna leave As I kiss this falling tear I promise you I will be here 'Til the stars fall from the sky 'Til I find a reason why And darling as the years go by 'Til theres no tears left to cry 'Til the angels close my eyes And even if were worlds apart I'll find my way back to you by heart When you go Ill stop the clock I wont ever Let this moment stop Time is stealin you from me But it can never take this memory 'Til the stars fall from the sky 'Til I find a reason why And darling as the years go by 'Til theres no tears left to cry 'Til the angels close my eyes And even if were worlds apart I'll find my way back to you by heart 'Til the stars fall from the sky 'Til I find a reason why And darling as the years go by 'Til theres no tears left to cry 'Til the angels close my eyes And even if were worlds apart I'll find my way back to you by heart how ironic it is, the way things work out. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,December,2003 | So I was driving home from school today, by myself {Megan, my carpool went home sick... again.} and I was listening to a song that reminded me of stuff that happened a long time ago, and ended up almost in tears, trying to drive through the grandview triangle. Then I started laughing at myself because I am so dumb. {ha ha} Then I got in my weird angry mood, and now I feel rather...beige... and I was thinking about some of the stuff I write on here... because I keep talking to 'you'... and its really bugging me, because I don't even know who this mysterious person is... and I decided that 'you' is a conglomeration{sp?} of pieces of some of the people who have really affected me and who I've become, and thus also includes pieces of myself, the person I wish I was, and the imaginary person who I have made up to be my perfect... companion? something like that. YOU! WHO ARE YOU AND WHEN ARE YOU COMING!! lol. I'm a dork. ps. I LOVE YOU! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,December,2003 | urlLink Auction Pictures! click on St. Teresa's... the first three are me.. {In case you couldn't tell} I look like I'm twelve. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 31,January,2004 | I don't really have anything to say, and yet I'm talking{typing} anyway. My thoughts are pacing back and forth across the chambers of my head, driving me mad with their monotony. I hate depending on other people for my happiness. Why can't I make myself happy? Maybe not even happy for heaven's sake. Just... content. Maybe its just my mindset. I shouldn't hope for so much. I need my knight in shining armor to come save me. {too bad for me I'm not a damsel in distress locked in a tower in the twelfth century or something.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,January,2004 | I'm seventeen years old and I have been to five different countries. {Mexico when I was one... Canada twice, Britain by way of an airport, France, ditto. Italy for a week... Bologna, Florence, Venice, and Pisa.} I have been in a crowd of 400,000 people my age. I have seen the pope. I have been to Disney World twice. I have gone to Houston without my parents to hang out with 25,000 kids my age for my birthday. I have played the piano for more than nine years. I have been loved. I have am loved. My parents are still together, and still love each other. I have a little brother. { even though he's a brat, he's still a blessing.} I have two best friends and many many other friends who genuinely care about me. When I walk across the quad at school, with a smile on my face, people smile back. I have photography. I am not blind. I am not deaf. I am not horribly disfigured. I go to a beautiful old private school. I have worn a uniform to school since kindergarten. I am part of a wonderful faith community. I have a house. {a big beautiful house.} I have food. I probably don't deserve all this. Which means I probably do deserve all the bad things. I won't list them, that would be depressing. but they are there... some things even adults shouldn't have to go through. and I'm only seventeen. but I deserve them. I understand. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,January,2004 | 'A story is like a letter. Dear You , I'll say. Just you , without a name. Attaching a name attaches you to the world of fact, which is riskier, moree hazardous: who knows what chances are out there, of survival, of yours? I will say you, you like an old love song. You can mean more than one. You can mean thousands. I'm not in any immediate danger, I'll say to you. I'll pretend you can hear me. But it's no good, because I know you can't.' -The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood. { you're probably getting tired of her aren't you ? I'm not.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,January,2004 | Look its Chantele and Sama and I. I'm on the left, if you didn't know. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,January,2004 | Ironic how this is the night I'm left without anyone to talk to. You don't realize that you've lied to me again, and that this time I'm really done. This time I do have something against you. So that which used to be my forever is reduced to never {my love} I'm safe at last. You called me selfish. You read my thoughts as if they are dictionary definitions, but don't take the time to understand the truest essence of the word. I know your temper as well as you know my thoughts, and I know what to say. I feel ruthless and mean. Perhaps I am selfish, but my motivation for being so comes from others. Ironic. 7 am the garbage truck beeps as it backs up and i start my day thinking about what I've thrown away. could i push rewind? all the credits traverse signifying the end but I've missed the best part could we please go back to the start forgive my indecision then again, then again, then again you're always first when no one's on your side...7 am the garbage truck beeps as it backs up and i start my day thinking about what I've thrown away. could i push rewind? all the credits traverse signifying the end but I've missed the best part could we please go back to the start forgive my indecision then again, then again, then again you're always first when no one's on your side... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,January,2004 | She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in And I don't know if I've ever been really loved By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's Gonna give And I'm a little bit angry, well This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you Around You don't owe me, we might change Yeah we just might feel good I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down, I will, I will I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted I will She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is Gonna hurt ya And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me You couldn't stand to be near me When my face don't seem to want to shine Cuz it's a little bit dirty well Don't just stand there, say nice things to me I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you You don't know me, I can't change I won't do anything at all I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down, I will, I will I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted I will Oh but don't bowl me over Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so Crazy, crazy Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,January,2004 | Today at church, Mr. Maschler offered to let me borrow his bass guitar for a few weeks, so now all we need is a drummer, and Bobby and I can start a band. Any name suggestions? ha ha, that very most likely won't happen. Also after church, Mrs. Winner asked me if I would take pictures of her son Michael at his gymnastics meet, and she said she would pay me for it... She also told me that her husband, who used to work for the AP still was in touch with his friend who is the head of the Photography department at the AP in Washington D.C., so when I go there this summer, he could call him and get me a private tour of the photo lab. {Do you KNOW how COOL that is?} Look and see what happens when you follow you true passion! Its really interesting, because I feel like people are finally recognizing me as my own entity in my parish, instead of just being connected to the Straughn family... People know that I am Rachel, not just Rose and Mike's daughter... which I like... a lot. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,January,2004 | This is how I feel right now. {Too bad this won't get me into an art school.} If only you knew the thoughts behind it. Remember she asked you Remember to Breathe And everything will be okay Okay Alright Okay |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,January,2004 | Well, this time I'm just going to let it go. It's just like old times, except this time it {really} is my fault. But there isn't anything else I can do. This is what I need to do right now. It may not be what's best for later, but I'll deal with that then... {...'but after all, Tomorrow is another day'...:thank you Scarlett:.... tomorrow is a day that never comes.} Maybe you were right, and maybe you were horribly horribly wrong, and I failed to correct you. {you don't love me for my details, you mock me for them... but I don't mind.} What ever happens is what will happen and I don't care. The heart is fickle thing... so don't tell me to follow it. urlLink This is why. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,January,2004 | Damien Rice - Cannonball Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt Still a little hard to say what's going on Still a little bit of your ghost your witness Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed You step a little closer each day That I can't see what's going on Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball Still a little bit of your song in my ear Still a little bit of your words I long to hear You step a little closer to me So close that I can't see what's going on Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannon Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to cry So come on courage Teach me to be shy 'Cause it's not hard to fall And I don't want to scare her It's not hard to fall And I don't wanna lose It's not hard to grow When you know that you just don't know Perhaps this is what I had intended all along. I've chosen a different sort of masochism, I'm oddly satiated. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,January,2004 | This is the saddest movie I've seen in a long time. I cried, a lot. Come Back Little Sheba |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,January,2004 | Now I'm reading The Robber Bride by guess who...{hint=M.A., as usual.} 'Where to start is the problem, because nothing begins when it begins and nothing's over when it's over, and everything needs a preface: a preface, a postscript, a chart of simultaneous events. History is a construct... Any point of entry is possible and all choices are arbitrary. Still, there are definative moments we use as references, because they break our sense of continuity, they change the direction of time. We can look at these events and we can say that after them things were never the same again. They provide beginnings for us, and endings too. Births and deaths, for instance, and marriages.' 'This isn't evil, however. It's dangerous only to her . It's her seam, it's where she's sewn together, it's where she could split apart. Nevertheless, she still indulges in it. A risky nostalgia. Aiglatson. (A viking chieftain of the Dark Ages? An up-market laxative?)' Today was rather interesting. Maybe I really will write a book when this is all over. I might be dead then, though. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,January,2004 | I hate how you've tainted my life. How I cannot open my eyes in the morning and not see you. I spend my days desperately trying not to hate. but how can I not, when every where I look I see you? I try so hard to be good... to be who I am. You are the anti-me, regardless of whether you are better or not. To be with you is to be away from me. To suffocate to die. 'I haven't stopped bleeding bleeding for you my soul pouring out and draining away draining into your blue suffocating lungs sustaining life. You are breathing my blood. and I shall die. I can feel you when you're never there I can feel your blackness creeping into the depths of me I can feel your blackness choking... drowning me drowning in you ' Old familiarities are coming back to me. I don't eat anymore... I can't eat anymore. and sleep, I need it so much more now. I am not refreshed {enriched, ha} and he isn't going to save me, I don't think. When will I learn to save myself? I thought that was what I had left to learn. Apparently I didn't. Someday I'll write a book about this, like Margaret Atwood, and I will tell everything. Maybe I'll start now. Once there was a girl who was horribly naive, but thought she was quite cultured, saavy, intelligent. She didn't think about the things she said, and usually sounded rather stupid, but she was sweet which made up for it, so everyone loved her. That ended up to be not such a good thing. One day she finally escaped from her house for a while. She was finally free to test her sweet innocence in the world alone. Everyone still loved her. One more than all the rest. and this was how she learned about love. don't lie to me. ever. I won't believe you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,January,2004 | 'Photojournalists give words to those who have none.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,January,2004 | I am emotionally broke. I can't afford this. I love sitting on the stool in the kitchen at the counter with my elbows up, and a lovely warm mug nestled between my fingers. That is my comfort. but my hands are still cold. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,January,2004 | {more identity crisises? maybe. Maybe I'm just obsessed with songs about 'she.' I think their all about me.} She sees my good deeds And she kisses me windy I never worry Now that is a lie I know she said it's alright But you can make it up next time I know she knows it's not right There ain't no use in lying Maybe she thinks I know something Maybe maybe she thinks its fine Maybe she knows something I don't I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying I know she loves the sunrise No longer sees it with her sleeping eyes And I know that when she said she's gonna try Well it might not work because of other ties and I know she usually has some other ties And I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em Maybe she'll help me to untie this but Until then well, I'm gonna have to lie too |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,January,2004 | My history homework: 'People make a personal connection through photographs, when they look into the grey green eyes of the Afghani girl on the cover of National Geographic, or when they recognize true terror in the faces of the people running from the crumbling World Trade Center. Photographs leave single images that bury themselves in people's minds. They make a true impact and invoke emotions which can sway opinions.... Photographers have a duty to shoot what they see. If they see horrible injustices taking place during a war, it is their duty to photograph it, but another photographer may not see what is taking place as an injustice, and portray those committing it as great heroes. In this way, all sides will be shown. Good photographers are able to create pictures that show how they feel about their subjects. It is impossible for a photographer to be unbiased and apolitical and produce good photographs. If a photographer feels that a war is unneccesary, when they are lloking for subjects to photograph, they will find those which prove their point. Thus while shooting what they see, they might not be showing all aspects of war. Although, I do think that photographers should form their opinions by educating themselves and asessing the true situation before they manipulate the opinions of others through their work. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,January,2004 | She's running out again She's running out She runs runs runs She told out-rageous stories, I believed them til the endings were changing from endings before She's not touching me anymore... maybe I'm suffering from an identity crisis. {again} funny, how I know exactly who I am. {and I'm suffering from an identity crisis.} maybe I'm just suffering from having multiple identities and not knowing which one to pick. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,January,2004 | Its time for me to start practicing my pieces for the NPTA guild again. Every year, about this time I start practicing constantly, non-stop. I spend every waking moment at my beloved baby grand, in our very cold unfinishedbasement. {that's the only place in our house we have room for a baby grand.}I practice so much I am quite practiced out by the time Guild day comes along, and refrain from practicing till about this time comes around again. So yes, I'm at the point where I have actually started practicing piano again, having rediscovered how much I love my ability to make melodiously harmonic butterflies flutter from the piano. {isn't that a lovely picture? no, you're quite right, I'll try again.} having rediscovered my passion for recreating a more {or perhaps less} tangible form of the music written on the page in front of me. {I like that a little better.} So, I will practice like crazy from now until sometime in late April or May, and then become a lazy bum again until about the middle of next January. .:sigh:. the irony... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,January,2004 | (Do you think?)the i do, world is probably made of roses & hello: (of solongs and,ashes) -e.e. cummings.. If you don't understand that, you have no business reading my blog. {Thank you.} I swim in poetry when I'm upset {disturbed} like this. I wonder if maybe I got my { } from e.e. cummings... or maybe I just don't like parenthesis. I won't be able to hold it in tonight. {fair warning.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,January,2004 | She is papering the window panes She is putting on a smile Living in a glass house |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,January,2004 | I need {want} so desperately to be loved. I can't get away from it. I sit and watch sappy old black and white and sepia love story movies, and I know what that's like. I know what they are acting {pretending} they feel, and I need that. I need to feel the electricity flowing from fingertip to my body. I am loved, I love, but it isn't like that... This love turns the very core of my being to pure liquid terror. The fingertips that touch send tremors of fear through me. I don't understand how I am to cope with this. I do understand much too much else. I miss you. I wish you were never born. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,January,2004 | I worry too much. I worry about: photo assignments college my mom not wanting me to go to Corcoran Chantele Samantha the things I can't tell you. my car my parents Bobby homework grades people who hate me. people who like me. Juana Mandy Sean SAT/ACT piano love not being who I want to be not being who you want me to be being 'good' happiness relationships the past the future now not worrying so much the possibility that everyone else is wrong. the possibility that everyone else is right. the possibility that I am wrong {I don't care if I'm right.} wanting to be successful getting breast cancer or fibroid tumors, which are in my genes. the way I look the way I appear. making a good impression my laugh being to self conscious not sleeping enough not eating enough eating too much doing things I shouldn't being too Catholic Bobby ending up being a lead guitar in a heavy metal band {he's banging on his guitar right now, and yelling rather random syllables with it...} doing too much not doing enough whether or not anyone cares. no one does. I'm done now. Good night. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,January,2004 | I will never be happy this way. Don't you understand? Don't you see the depth of the void that is my soul? You can not fill it, you only make it deeper, and bring the darkness closer. I ask for help... though I can't express what I really need to say. I want to be happy... and there's only one time I'm really happy, and its not want you want it to be... or maybe what it should be. {I start darkroom classes in... four and a half weeks!!!} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,January,2004 | I feel like a pickled f etus in a hospital jar, even though I've never been one, and don't know what its like. Will you come a gawk at the grotesque contortions of my unformed body? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,January,2004 | 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.' I follow the night Can't stand the light When will I begin To live again? One day I'll fly away Leave all this to yesterday What more could your Love do for me? When will Love be through with me? Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends One day I'll fly away Leave all this to yesterday Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends One day I'll fly away Fly, fly away |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,January,2004 | ...I am horribly miserable with the way things are right now. What happened? Three months ago I was happy, things were good. What happened? Maybe I know what happened, and I'm just pretending I don't, or maybe I have an inkling of what might have happened, but I know I'm wrong. Maybe so many little tiny things happened that there is no way I could possibly pin my sudden misery on any one event. Or maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I just don't like being happy. I told Chantele the other day that I am perfectly happy with being unhappy. I like things this way. At least I know what I'm feeling. I'm not torn. I am fully and completely miserable. and we all know I am at least emotionally masochistic, and maybe a tiny bit physically masochistic. {needle through the foot... Hysterical laughter, more denial?} I'm ok now, maybe I think. Check back with me in a week of so. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 04,January,2004 | Tomorrow I start school again. I will wake up, at exactly 5:50 in the morning to my cd player coming on {most likely it will be Incubus, that's the kind of mood I'm in right now.} I will lay sprawled across my bed for about five minutes and almost fall back asleep, but then jump up thinking I've been laying there for twenty minutes. I'll breathe a sigh of relief when I see the clock, and stand up, bracing myself for the moment of blackout I always get, then sneeze twice {always twice, I'm allergic to any hour later that 3 am, and earlier than nine.} I'll switch on the lamp next to my bed, and go to my closet and find my little red, black and yellow plaid skirt, and 'STA' embroidered white polo, get dressed, pick up my backpack and camera, and head downstairs... just like always... just like always... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,January,2004 | maybe its the way I can't sleep after we've been talking, I find myself awake, walking, wandering. Maybe its the way you smile when I tell a joke, but no one heard. Maybe its the way you stand at the edge of a circle, the corner of every room, but you're always in the front of my mind... yay for finally getting to listen to Lauren Krum's cd... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,January,2004 | tell me something nice. tell me the things I need to hear. tell me lovely sweet nothings until the sun intrudes upon our time. don't leave me hanging. and don't lie to me, but tell me you love me and we'll leave it at that. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,January,2004 | So many thoughts have come and gone, but the thoughts I wish to banish will not be swept away. These consistancies resurface and resurface in two hundred different ways, and then begin at the beginning again. I have no desire to think this way, to be this way, I want to be the person that I am, but I have long since lost sight of her in the ebbing and flowing of the lies that are my life. I am not depressed, but I have done/seen/experienced things that no person in their right mind would have made the efforts I did to do so. There are things people have said that make me remember who I am supposed to be that echo every now and again... 'then again, you aren't like other girls.' 'Rachel isn't shy, she just isn't... talky' 'Rachel, you're gorgeous, you'll be happy someday...' 'You act like you're eight years old, when are you going to finally grow up and take responsibility for yourself?' 'I love you.' and I don't really understand what any of these things means, at least, what they mean to me. I just don't know. so I'll just sit here. sit here. alone. again. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,January,2004 | There isn't anything I can do. I can't help it. I wish I could. Hate is not the opposite of love. If only, If only you knew. Perfection is not the point... but it is nice. and I have no choice but to wait and see. wait and see... someday I'll understand. wait and see... someday... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,February,2004 | ...the past ten days have been the beginning of me being better. The beginning mind you... I learned so much from all the people I visited at the nursing home... I feel so blessed to have been able to be there, to have the opportunity to help someone... There are still things that aren't going so well, but its better. its better. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,February,2004 | I learned a lot about St. Joseph with the Little Sisters of the Poor this week. It's really interesting. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,February,2004 | Margaret Atwood has a new book that I seem to have missed. Stay tuned for my favorite excerpts. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,February,2004 | I am craving my lovely skittles. Who wants to buy me some? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,February,2004 | It's amazing what happens when you pray about things. seriously! I'm in shock. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,February,2004 | Today is ' dies cinerum ' which my lovely latin tells me mean literally, day of ashes... or Ash Wednesday. Its the day I walk into the grocery store and the checkers says, 'um, you've got something on your forehead...' and makes me want to slap them. 'Remember that you are dust... and to dust you shall return.' 'Turn away from sin and be faithful to the gospel.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,February,2004 | Lots {nothing} has happened, but I really don't feel like blogging. Sunday was our ring ceremony at school. I like our class rings, their really pretty. This week I am off school for service projects. We have to get 30 hours of service this week. My project is at a Little Sisters of the Poor Residence for the elderly. Old people are both hysterical and depressing. Their unconditional love is heartwarming, and cures a broken heart, at least for a few hours. They are also exhausting. Don't waste your time on me you're already a voice inside my head. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,February,2004 | Bleeding thoughts Cracking boulder Don't fall over Fake your laughter Burn the tear Sing it louder Twist and shout Way up here We stand on shoulders Growing colder Laugh or cry I won't mind Sing it louder Twist and shout Immovable shadows The concrete girl They'll rock your world to nothing And they're swimming around again, again And they're swimming around The concrete girl Catch your breath like four-leaf clover Hand it over Scream to no one Take your time Sing it louder Twist and shout Nothing to run from is worse than something And all your fears of nothing And they're swimming around again, again And they're swimming around The concrete girl Concrete girl don't fall down In this broken world around you Concrete girl don't fall down Don't fall down my concrete girl Don't stop thinking Don't stop feeling now One step away from where we were And one step back to nothing And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears And we're fighting for words now concrete girl And we're swimming around again, again And we're swimming around now Concrete girl Concrete girl don't fall down in this broken world around you Concrete girl don't fall down Don't fall down my concrete girl Concrete girl don't fall down in this concrete world around you Concrete girl don't fall down Don't break down my concrete girl |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,February,2004 | Oh, we just played our annual game against Sion {our arch rival, the only other all girls school in KC} It was at our school, and I think the last twelve seconds were the most exciting twelve seconds of my life, OH my STARS!!!!{our school mascot is the Stars... I'm not quite that dorky.} We WON!!!!!! anyway... more of my thoughts... a brand new song reminds me of you. again. a new song, with old old memories. and all I want is for you to hold me... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,February,2004 | goodness! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,February,2004 | My poems which are being published in Windmoor {my school's literary magazine.}: I'm suffocating. My lungs are bursting. If you hit me, I would pop like a brown paper lunch bag clenched in your fist. minus the air. inhale inhale inhale, shaky, like a child who's been sobbing on my shoulder for eternity. sigh... perhaps I'll float away, like a big red balloon. oxygen deprived, plenty of helium. . the irises are blooming the irises of my eyes blooming like the blood on the white sheets blooming like the bodies buried, hidden coming up roses here's the knife let me carve out the part that hurts lay it on the altar an offering |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,February,2004 | one more thing before I go off to dreamland: e dixit ignotas animam dimittit in artes naturamque novat latin clicked today. its so beautiful. I love it. I love the way it sounds. protinus Aeoliis Aquilonem claudit in antris emittitque Notum; madidis Notus ecolat alis; barba gravis nimbis, canis fluit unda capillis. fit fragor; hinc densi funduntur ab aethere nimbi |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,February,2004 | So I finally decided I would write about the woman I met a week and a half ago {two saturdays ago.} or just about the day I guess. It was a good day. I went to Good Shepherd Parish over in Kansas {Sean's church} Its a beautiful place, and enormous. I thought St. Johns was big. I was wrong. They were hosting a retreat/workshop type thing for music ministers from the Kansas City/St. Jo and Kansas City Kansas Diocese. Pat asked me to go and help him present a workshop called the War between Youth and Liturgy. So I went, and talked about how we as Catholics see God in 4 parts of the liturgy, in the scriptures, in the clergy, in the eucharist, and in the community. If any part of the community is missing, the infants, the elderly, the youth, we are missing out on seeing a part of God. Therefore, efforts to separate youth from the rest of the parish are efforts to seperate the youth and the parish from a part of God. I understand that this is by no means deliberate, but its wrong all the same. I also talked about how it is important for parishes to make a strong effort, even outside of confirmation classes {which are often the only exposure high school kids have to Catholicism} to educate youth on the catechetical and canonical teachings of the Church... especially the part about being morally bound to follow our consciences above all else. Otherwise youth think that they have to follow the teaching to the letter, which often makes them feel already out of place. Anyway, enough of me ranting about Catholic teachings. {I got it from my mom. When I was younger I asked lots of questions about the Church, and I always got much longer answers than I really needed. But that's a good thing. I like where I am now. At least concerning my faith.} Afterwards, the nicest old woman came up to me and told me what a intelligent young woman she thought I was. I couldn't help but give her a hug, and I think it startled her a little. I stuck around, and found out a little of how much my name, at 17 years old, has floated around the diocese. Its always a little scary when you introduce yourself to someone you've never met before, and they go, 'Oh, YOU'RE Rachel Straughn?'...{Its kind of like calling the Chancery, and having people recognize your voice.} After the last session of the day, I saw the old lady again, and went to tell her how she had made my day by complimenting me. She then told me that I had made her day, and said 'Don't you ever let anyone tell you that teenagers are bad, when there are good people like you.' She told me that I was going to become the first female pope... {yes I know, laugh, but if given the opportunity, I would DEFINATELY do it... if women were allowed to be ordained, then I would most certainly feel that I had a vocation for such} and she also told me that I was a grain of wheat which had fallen on fertile ground. She made me feel wonderful, just for a little while; its always good to know that there is someone somewhere who thinks so highly of you. Anyway, so that's a brief look into my Catholic life. I think I need to talk about it more, because its so important to me... I've found a few Catholic blogs that are all about faith. I even found one by a priest! I think that's the coolest thing ever. Fr. Don should get a blog, ha ha. speaking of which, I've got catholic social teachings {social concerns} test to study for. Got to love catholic college prep education. {PS. as much as I love the Catholic Church itself, its really important for me to remember that its God I'm thinking about here. its terrible, but sometimes I forget. and as for the last few posts, I really do feel more horribly alone right now than I think I have in a long long time, since the nerdy days of middle school. I've got God, but its still important to feel like you have physically present concrete people who care about you. And right now I don't.} |
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