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1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,January,2003 | Its really weird how everyone feels so overprotective of me, I mean, my parents... Need I say more??? And I found out today that Chantele's been threatening people with the 'If you ever hurt her...' Some of my friends won't even hug me because they think their gonna 'break' me. I hear the 'DOn't do anything I would do' thing all the time too. WHy is it that everyone I know is so bad that they have to warn me that whatever it is their doing is wrong? Io it bugs me. I like a certain amount of protectiveness from my guys, its cute, but I get tired of it after awhile. Oh and what's up with this nickname for Rachel thing? I have a gazillion different names. Rachella... rather reminicent of Cinderella. Popo... not quite so much of a 'poet pope' any more... My papal visions have gone Kaput. Um.. Baby- Reminds me too much of that wonderful performance of mine in the Fall play, and besides, that's my camera's name. Poke... no I don't like it when people touch w/o some kind of prior warning, but its neccessary to remind everyone of this new kind of entertainment... 'Watch Rachel Cringe'???? BE A JEAN! (that was for Chantilly) Let's see... what else? SHeep... baaaa? NO. RaeRae... doesn't bother me so much, I'll answer to it but I didn't win state in soccar last year!!! The list is endless.. poor me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,January,2003 | Funny thing, life is. You know, its really cool to think about the millions/thousands of people you meet/see/walk past in your lifetime that all have this unseen force in them that gives them the ability to walk/think/gain intelligence etc. I was babysitting this little two year old boy last night and he fell asleep on my shoulder, it was so cute, I love the feeling of having a sleeping child in my arms. I wonder if I'll ever end up having my own kids, creating life... hmmm... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,January,2003 | I wonder what's the matter with me? I've been the BIGGEST bitch lately, and I'm not really like that. I want to lay down and die. If it were that easy, I probably would too!! Too bad I'd never really be able to do it. Oh well. While I'm thinking about it, someone needs to come up with a name for me... Some guy came up to me the other night and called me Xyloa... I'm afraid to find out what that means, in elvish, or whatever it is. But then its not like I ever actually play D&D, I just hear Chantele's stories, and Kevin really wanted me to play with him at one time, except I don't think he does that kind of stuff anymore, now that he's converted to Daoism. Poor me. I'm so bored... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,January,2003 | UHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to go to school in the morning, I think I'll cry. I felt like crying this morning when I woke up. (Of course I didn't. I need to stop that, someday, I think I'll die from withheld tears or something) I get like that sometimes, its weird. My mom thinks its hormones, but I really don't think so, I know what hormones feels like. I'm just moody. (wow, I picked a good name for this, I'm already ranting.) I HATE confirmation class. I hate every single person in the class except for Kristy, Jessica, and Rachel (no not me, I'm not quite THAT pigheaded) You should have seen Larry, I wanted to kill him... No wait, I take that back, I shouldn't be that mean. He REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off, just by being alive. Can't you tell I'm in a horrid mood tonight? I WANT IT TO RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It started sprinkling yesterday and got me all excited, and the clouds were really cool, and it SMELLED like rain, I could even SEE it raining in the distance, but what did I get? Disappointment. Ok, Chantele needs a name for her mag, what'll it be? huh? huh? Didn't think so. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,February,2003 | I've had a really good past couple days. Wednesday I found out I'm going to be photo editor of the newspaper next year. That means I'll get to spend all my time taking pictures, and will have to write very few, if any, stories for the paper. Even though Mr. Thomas said that considering my past couple stories, I'm a completely different writer than I was at the beginning of the year (that's a really good thing, I sucked so bad at the beginning of the year) and since the juniors and seniors have been gone all week, I've been the only person in my newspaper classes, so Mr.Thomas has been talking to me about photography... He's sort of taken me on as his 'apprentice' and he was showing me different techniques and stuff. It was fun. So yeah there's that, and its snowed the past couple days, which makes me happy, and Andrew and I actually had a civil conversation yesterday!!! Oh, and I haven't had any homework all week, so that's a TON of stuff I don't have to worry about this week, although I should probably go do some of the Latin due on Monday... Nah. I'm such a slacker. Speaking of Latin, the JCL test is in a couple weeks, its a standardized international Latin test. Last year I did really well on it.. Magna cum Laude or something... I got a silver medal... Only Kate did better, but that doesn't really bother me.... I'm NEVER going to do better than Kate, freaking GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok well, who knows what I'm doing tonight, I may be around, I may not, but if you call and I don't answer, leave me a message... I'll probably either be talking to Chantele on the phone, or at a rave and can't hear my phone... lol, jk... I'm not going to a Rave... yes Kevin I'm sure. I'm NOT GOING TO GET MYSELF HIGH!!! nor have I ever done such a thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,February,2003 | Hee hee, my music favorites files full... I'm gonna have to start sub dividing my bands... how sad. Interesting stuff tonight. I'm so tired, I think I'm going to bed. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,February,2003 | oh and go listen to Gershwin's rhapsody in blue... that's the mood I'm in right now |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,February,2003 | Its okay, I'll live, I always do. :~) We went to the dedication of the cathedral today, and I saw a ton of people that I know. It feels really good to walk through a church that big, and get stopped every couple of seconds by people I know. A friend of my mom's hadn't seen me in around four years, and he didn't even really recognize me, he just looked at me, and I smiled and waved at him. He came over and was like, You're... You're... so I told him who I was and he like freaked out. He was like wow... you're a lot older now, you've gotten to be absolutely gorgeous. I hate it when people tell me that... I know its not true, but sometimes its still nice to hear that someone really thinks so. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,February,2003 | UGH!!! my parents... I think my dad is having a midlife crisis, and my mom's starting menopause... oh god! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,February,2003 | let's see... tomorrow night is the charity volleyball game at Rockhurst... let me take this opportunity to say that the Rock is going to be ground into dust, they just can't take the heat of the stars... but then Friday we're playing sion, and THAT storm is DEFINATELY going to blow over. and I think we're doing something with Ish too. I think Chantele's going to spend the night, and then Saturday morning is the rededication of the Cathedral... which I got tickets to because of our leadership role in the youth world of the Diocese (yeah I know, where the hell did they come up with my name?) Saturday night is the battle of the bands at Rockhurst, which is going to be great... and something must be happening sunday.. hmmm I'm listening to Relient K, and Home Grown... oh and that one song... Make up your mind.... who sings that??????? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,February,2003 | look what maggie wrote: . hate. you. i hate you like halogen lights i hate you like wet socks i hate you like no sleep nights i hate you like 'we need to talk's you disgust me. i hate you like jealousy i hate you like boys i hate you so violently i hate you; i have no choice i. hate. you. trust me. and then i would add: and yet, for some reason, I still love you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,February,2003 | I was over at sama's house last night, working on our history project, which is a comparison of indian and american weddings, and i found this poem: 'Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score; Then to that twenty, add a hundred more: A thousand to that hundred: so kiss on, To make that thousand up a million. Treble that million, and when that is done, Let's kiss afresh, as when we first begun.' -Robert Herrick Its really funny, and those of you that need to know why its funny, know |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,February,2003 | wayway WAY too much sugar yesterday... but we had fun last night. Mary and I drove around for a couple hours after school, we went to her house, and then Sid's house. Maggie, Lauren and Elise came by. We went to Winstead's and watched Lauren be mean to her date, and then we went and saw How to lose a guy in 10 days. There were a whole bunch of drunk freshmen in the row in front of us and we made fun of them. I missed the last 15 min of the movie though because Chantele had to leave at 9:40 and couldn't go by herself... Her parents think she's going to get mobbed |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,February,2003 | Supposedly I'm cute today.. what ever am I going to do with you people????????? Right now I'm listening to Green Day... At the Library... I'm in love. I talked to Cindy for like an hour last night about stuff, I feel better now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,February,2003 | I'm so tired of doing this... what's this you ask? well, since no one really reads this, I could tell you, but then with my luck, someone, like just the person I don't want reading this particular thing, would come and read it.. haa haa. funny isn't it, that's how my life works. I was talking to Cindy today, and she said Mary Mueller wants Chantele and I to go to the rededication of the Cathedral, and representatives of Youth Leadership in the Diocese... Wow, Youth Leadership in the diocese, and MY name comes up?? ha ha, I like that. Of course we're going, and we're both really excited. the Father/Daughter Dance is tonight at Union Station. Its more like a costume ball than anything else I've ever been to. My dad and I are going as Woody and Little Bo Peep, from Toy Story. I'm gonna be stuck all night with people telling me how incredibly cute I am. Speaking of people calling me cute, I need to explain about my problem with this. I get called cute ALL THE TIME, and quite frankly, am VERY sick of it. Even at HYU, I LOSE MY VOICE, and its ADORABLE!!! At church Its all I hear too, I f you must say something, tell me I'm unbelievably gorgeous, Please. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,February,2003 | Fav. Verse from a song: Mama and Daddy's got the best cocaine Riddellin's (sp?) never gonna be the same 24 hours on an empty brain I've got my finger on the trigger and you're in my way --Sugarcult, Bouncing off the Walls --- band newly discovered by me today:: Erase the Grey... read the lyrics to Rain, they amuse me. also still intrigued by the title of Audiovent's last album:: 'Dirty Sexy Knights in Paris' yummy |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,February,2003 | i've decided no one reads this anyway so I can write whatever the hell I want... but now I can't think of anything evil to say... oh well |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,February,2003 | HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had fun. We went to Town Center and I bought Kate a shirt that said spin my driedel (lol) and I bought me a new ring, and got yelled at for wearing it upside down... long story... don't ask. Then we went bowling and scored like a 57 or something. My name also changed several times through out the night i started out rae rae, but then I was Poke (seriously, this 'let's watch Rachel cringe and laugh at her hysterically' thing is REALLY not funny.) and then later it something else, and then VVVVVVVVVVVVV m... again, don't ask. Sama was having control issues with the computer, hah a We went back to Kate's house after that and watched 10 things I hate about you (one of my favorite movies, aaaaahhhh Heath Ledger... HOTTIE!!) and a Walk to Remember, and guess what, a TEAR ACTUALLY ROLLED DOWN MY CHEEK!!! what is that, the first time since HYU? and I'm not even gonna go into what happened this morning, I don't even really know, i just woke up with Chantele sitting on me, grinning evily, holding my cell phone... I think she was harrassing Andrew... UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,March,2003 | today was weird, We had our NHS induction assembly, which made me feel lazy and worthless, but after that I had fun. I felt loved today. except for Chantele I swear to god some day i'm going to beat the crap out of her. But yeah, London ditched school and came back and told us all about it... stupid girl. In newspaper, Katy took my second story so I have less work to do now... I've got all kinds of pictures to take, but that's a good thing. Then I was talking to Britanny, she's going to be editor of the Dart next year. She was talking to me, and then all of a sudden she goes, 'Oh my god, you are SO gorgeous. I can't believe you don't have like 5 boyfriends.' I was rather shocked to hear her say this, partially because SHE'S the one who's gorgeous, and people don't normally tell me I'm gorgeous. I'm alway cute. But that's only one of the reasons I hate it when people call me that. People always tell me my hair is really pretty, but I'm never pretty. but that's only one of the reasons I want to chop it off. hmmm... While on the subject of my appearance, I would like to talk about how everone thinks I'm anerexically skinny. Its funny really. My mom tells me I'm fat all the time, and yells at me if I eat more than she thinks I should... I really don't eat that much anyway... but I guess she thinks so. But then If I should decide to skip a meal, THEN she drags my dad into and they practially shove food down my throat. Its so weird. Should you ask Chantele, she would tell you that I'm really normal sized and that I fake being skinny... She will.. and seriously mean it too.. ugh When I'm really skipping meals though, nobody notices... I probably shouldn't say this, but then wait, no one reads this anyway so it doesn't matter... I can go for weeks without eating virtually anything, and no one will notice... But then I start eating again for a while... It all depends on the mood I'm in. Oh well. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,March,2003 | another day gone by... It's weird some times to observe time passing... relativity, what and interesting concept... you know its true, the barriers of time are only in your mind. What would you do if you were some where with no clocks, and you couldn't see the sun to see the day pass by... what would it be like? Hmmm??? Would you know several hours had passed when you were hungry again? or would you never be hungry because to you, no time had passed what so ever? I wonder how long the next six years are going to seem, if I live to see the next six years that is. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,March,2003 | ... wow, its been a while hasn't it??? hmmm... there's lots of stuff i feasibly CoULd tell you, but probably shouldn't, since its NONE of your business... Spring break just got over, I'm already hating school again. The break was quite interesting... I went to TEC, and met some really cool people, and got a chance to recenter my self, In most ways anyway... I got WAY off in other ways. Monday I was in the most bizarre mood and said things I shouldn't have. Tuesday night Chantele came over and I talked to Andrew some... Wednesday and Thursday were mostly uneventful, Friday night I talked to Andrew for five hours on the phone... i was happy after that, Saturday was a good day until my parents ruined it, and Sunday I was at church half the day, then I realized that i was going to have to go back to school today and did a little freaking out, and then I talked to Andrew some more... So yeah that's my break... and then today??? I HATE Ms. Rowland (latin teacher) I don't know anyone else in the WORLD that could make me feel so STUPID!!!!!!!!! oh well. CALL ME I'M BOReD>>> luv y'all |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,April,2003 | Goodbye, he said to the flower. But she made no answer. Goodbye, he said again. The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold. I have been silly, she said to him at last, I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy He was surprised by this absence of reproached. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness. Of course I love you the flower said to him. It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you- you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy Let the glass globe be. I dont want it any more. But the wind - My cold is not so bad as all that The cool night air will do me good. I am a flower. But the animals- Well I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems to me that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies- and the caterpillars- who will call upon me? You will be far awayAs for the large animals- I am not at all afraid of them. I have my claws. And, naively, she showed her four thorns. Then she added: Dont linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go! For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower. -The Little Prince Antoine de Saint Exupery |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,April,2003 | DAMN IT Let's see... what shall I pretend today? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,April,2003 | Don't think I don't see... These opaque eyes of mine see everything EVERYTHING Don't think I don't know I was never as nieve as you thought I was I see I know EVERYTHING |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,April,2003 | the irises are blooming the irises of my eyes blooming like the blood on the white sheets blooming like the bodies buried, hidden coming up roses here's the knife let me carve out the part that hurts lay it on the altar an offering |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,April,2003 | I love this weather, I thrive on tank tops, shorts, and playing in the rain... Of course I love the snow and all, but the rain's so much better. I love going out and getting soaked to the skin, feeling the drops hit my face... and I love the sound of thunder. It sends chills down my spine every time I hear it. mmm... Just thinking about it makes me smile. Supposedly I haven't been able to stop smiling all day. I had Latin first thing this morning, and London was singing at the top of her lungs... Oh it was the funniest thing ever, I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. (Note: London could NOT sing if her life depended on it, it was more like screeching, but I think she was doing that on purpose.) What else happened today... I finished my newspaper story, so I don't have to worry about that any more, and Mr. Thomas said it was a good story, which made me feel better because, I thought it was crap... Supposedly I'm overly critical of myself, because I hate most of the pictures I take, I hate everything I write, everything I do is always screwed up, but people are like... Rachel, this is incredible, what's your problem? oh well... maybe that's a good thing though, because then I try harder... maybe. hmm... It just occured to me that I haven't written in a couple of weeks, in which a lot of things have happened, but the only person who now even knows where this is (that'd be you Andrew) knows all that stuff, so I don't need to worry about it anyway. :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,June,2003 | Ok, let me put it this way, I'm listening to Konstantine, on purpose. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,June,2003 | ::sigh:: |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,June,2003 | what a pretty rain. It used to make me happy... now it...now it... i don't know how to explain it to you... its like... I know it used to make me happy, and now it pelts every mistake into my soul... and that's still not quite it. the thunder still gives me goosebumps though.. I'm in an off mood right now. I'm tired of being me again... but that's nothing new. it doesn't matter anymore anyway. I want to go home, curl up in my bed, and never do anything ever again. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,June,2003 | silence ringing monotony a metal rod driven through my head. It cannot touch me it is not solid not a true quantity It cannot touch me it cannot make me cry you are solid but still not a true quantity you can touch me you can make me cry |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,June,2003 | Shelley sent me these lyrics. I found that rather amusing... This will NOT happen. John Mayer - 3x5 lyrics I'm writing you to catch you up on places I've been You held this letter probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it didn't have a camera by my side this time hopping I would see the world with both my eyes maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche' And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky are next to mountains anyway Didn't have a camera by my side this time Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way but let me say You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes it brought me back to life You'll be with me next time I go outside just no more 3x5's Guess you had to be there Guess you had to be with me Today I finally overcame tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way but let me say You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes it brought me back to life You'll be with me next time I go outside just no more 3x5's no more 3x5's |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,June,2003 | so I fixed the quotes.... wow. Really, I am just not capable of typing a whole word without screwing it up. Seriously, I've backspaced about a hundred times already just typing this. I think I'm getting sick too. One of the guys from the St. Louis office called this morning, and when I answered the phone he said I sounded like I had been into some bad whiskey this weekend. I told him not to tell my dad. It was kind of funny. I seriously can not wait till next week. I need out of the house SO INCREDIBLY BAD. I can go to HYU have fun with people who don't need to know anything about me, and forget about my real life. The thought is horribly pleasing. If only I knew it was going to be the same as last year though, that was fun. Oh well, we'll see. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,June,2003 | ugh. I got my grade card and summer reading list today. ugh. I somehow managed to pull off a 3.4 ::sigh:: It's not like there was ANYTHING I could do about my morality grade. Everyone knows that's ridiculous. Oh well. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,June,2003 | So I've been reading Margaret Atwood again... It's almost like listening to Konstantine. Anyway, I've got to keep these quotes somewhere... otherwise I'll forget them. 'I'm stuck on that wretched term paper. Once I went to the zoo and there was a cage with a frenzied armadillo in it going around in figure-eights, just around and around the same path. I can still remember the funny metallic sound its feet made on the bottom of the cage. They say all caged animals get that way when they're caged, it's a form of psychosis, and even if you set the animals free after they go like that they'll just run around in the same pattern. You read and read the material and after you've read the twentieth article you can't make any sense out of it any more, and then you start thinking about the number of books that are published in any given year in any given moth, and in any given week and that's just too much. Words,' he said, looking in my direction finally, but with his eyes strangely unfoucused, as though he was really looking at a poin several inches beneath my skin, 'are beginning to lose their meanings.' -The Edible Woman And this is the one I'm reading now, this is how it starts: 'I don't know how I should live. I don't know how anyone should live. All I know is how I do live. I live like a peeled snail. And that's no way to make money. I want that shell back, it took me long enought to make. You've got it with you, wherever you are. You were good at removing. I want a shell like a sequined dress, made of silver nickels and dimes and dollars overlappin like the scales of an armadillo. Armored dildo. Impermeable; like a French raincoat. I wish I didn't have to think about you. You wanted to impress me; well I'm not impressed, I'm disgusted. That was a disgusting thing to do, childish and stupid. A tantrum, smashing a doll, but what you smashed was your own head, your own body. You wanted to make damn good and sure I'd never be able to turn over in bed again with out feeling that body beside me, not there, but tangible, like a leg that's been cut off. Gone but the place still hurts. You wanted me to cry, mourn, sit in a rocker with a black-edged handkerchief, bleeding from the eyes. But I'm not crying, I'm angry. I'm so angry I could kill you. If you hadn't already done that for yourself.' -Life before Man. I wish I could write like Margaret Atwood. I love reading her books. They are examples of books that are not junk. ... that I can actually lose my self in. I can be depressed because of the book, instead of being depressed because of my life. That's a good thing. Samantha was talking about how 'fiberous' I am. She said everything I do has something to do with paper. I love paper, I love the way it feels. Its very personal. That's why I write letters to people so much. I don't know anyone else who does that. I just sit there and think... I should write to so and so... and so I do. They mean more effort than just calling somebody up, you have to spend 37 cents for a stamp and actually put it in the mail. Taking the effort means its important to you. I wish people would realize that. I really have been sick of myself lately. I wonder what's the matter with me. Well, I know what's the matter with me... But I should have figured that out by now... It's the same old....'I'll be fine.' 'I'll be fine.' I keep telling myself that... Maybe eventually I'll believe it, maybe eventually I will be fine... Maybe I'll be better than fine. Maybe I'll be happy. Those words echo over and over again in my head... Maybe... eventually... Someday... and I think, 'ugh.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,June,2003 | ::drum roll please:: AND THE RESULTS ARE: I didn't do nearly as bad as I said/thought I was going to. C's stand for 'special Commendation' and A's stand for 'Needs Attention' therefore, c's are better than a's. I had 34 C's, with things like 'Wow!' and 'Beautiful' and 'YES!' written after them, and I knew I was going to get those 3 A's, I was so nervous, my left hand was a quarter of a beat ahead of my right hand (UHG!) and I really screwed up my scales (as usual.) So yes Bobby did better than I did, He got 34 C's and no A's... so its not really THAT much better, and he had easy peasy songs. but still, its the principal of the thing. oh well ::sigh:: I've been doing a lot of 'oh well-ing' and sigh-ing lately... does that tell you anything about the kind of mood I'm in? ::sigh:: :-) My parents are coming home tonight so I should probably go get some work done. ::sigh:: |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,June,2003 | mmm.. I like this one better anyway So, we all knew I was going to do this. Today is the day of my competition and I can't remember a note of either of the songs I'm supposed to play. I can't even play my scales. I am so incredibly nervous. I knew I was going to screw it up. Oh well. and then I have to go and have lessons with my teacher right after that. but then we don't get our results till next week, so she won't be able to yell at me for how horrible I did until then. Bobby'll go and do incredibly well, and I will have SUCKED!!!!! oh well. This was supposed to keep my mind off of other things I didn't want to think about but now I don't want to think about this either. I really need to figure out how to stop thinking all together. That would be so much easier, no emotions, no intelligence, I envy those people who are vegetables. I think I would enjoy that blissful oblivion. No such luck though I guess. I've got to go though... guess why... Bobby wants to use the computer (which makes sense, I stole it from him in the first place, but hey, it used to be my computer.) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,July,2003 | Eeeeevvverrrrrrrryyyyyyy boooooooooooodddddddddddyyyyy eeeeeeeelllllllllllsssssseeeeee wwwwaaaaasssssss dddddoooooiiiiiiiinnnnnnggggg iiiittt. {what a horrid excuse for bor-ed-dom} 1) WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? ivory w/ pretty lil'green leaves on them 2). WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? ummm... I still haven't finished Eleanor of Aquitaine... but I'm almost done, and its really good, I just don't have time to read, because people keep calling me >:-) {just kidding I love talking to you} 3.WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? 'Welcome to STAR COUNTRY... St.Teresa's Academy College prep for Young Women Since 1866 lol.... wow. 4) FAVORITE BOARD GAME? does twister count? its more of a mat game... 6.) FAVORITE SMELLS? coconut verbena... and anything that kills brain cells...{I'M JUST KIDDING!!!!} 7) LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS? cigarette smoke {yukky} nursing homes. 8) WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? ... happy thoughts... I usually roll over, and watch the sunrise and think how pretty it is... before i groan, and curse at the ungodly hours of the morning {anything before eleven} 9) FAVORITE COLORS? Green, and that weird, off color of blue... my eyes are that color sometimes, its kinda cool. 10) LEAST FAVORITE COLOR(S) I inherited my mother's red-ophobia... except for the fact that my homecoming dress is red... 11) HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? it depends on who it is... if I want to keep them waiting, I'll let it ring four times and hit it right before the answering machine picks up... or if its my cell, I rarely answer, and always have to call people back. 12) FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? girl: Saloriana, boy: Calvin 13) WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? wait, life is important? imagine that!... um... God I suppose... well I know... 14) CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? swirl, just because I like being different 15) DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FASTno I'm a good lil driver. 16) DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? my lil' teddy bear!! no, not really 17) DO YOU LIKE STORMS? there very little else which I love more. 19) IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Kate Spade? Mommy Schilling? um... Michel Angelo, i suppose, though he was probably horribly mysoginistic (sp?) 20) WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? Scorpio, November 14, D YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? If I have enough ranch dressing to dip them in and make me fat... FAT I TELL YOU!! 22) IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? Photographer in residence at National Geographic 23) FAVORITE FLOWER? crazy colored daisies that make me delirious, lol, I'm never going to forget that one, that was great. 24) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yes. 25) IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? needs to be refilled. 26) FAVORITE MOVIE/S? west side story, tammy.... 27) DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? of course !I'm the queen of speedy typing... lol, that's funny isn't it? 28) WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? my secret stash of stuff to glue into my book, lol, its a mess! 29) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 847 30) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? volleyball... since I can't PLAY ANyMORe!! {and my docter said this time, that there isn't anything they can do about it, I'm just messed up. oh, and Marching Band, which is NOT pointless.. its like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... :-) 31) WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? wouldn't you like to know? 36) FAVORITE SINGING GROUPS: sugarcult, starting line, ataris {but they sold out} 37) FAVORITE NIGHTTIME SHOW: david letterman. hee hee funny guy he is. 8) MUSTARD OR KETCHUP? relish. 39) HAMBURGERS/OR HOT-DOGS? heh. heh. heh. 40) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE GRAND CANYON? no, but I'll be flying over it on Saturday! WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER NOW? lol its a bunch of pics I took COKE OR PEPSI? pepsi 43) FAVORITE APPLIANCE? the brave little toaster OLD FRIEND MOST LIKELY TO END UP IN A TRAILERPARK/JAIL. Ashley. 45) PLACE WE SHOULD ALL GO LOOKING FO YOU WHEN YOU GO MISSING. like i would be stupid enough to tell you that? 46)SIX STOPS IN ORDER ON YOUR WHIRLWIND AROUND THE WOURLD TRIP, TWO WEEKS MAX, MONEY NO OBJECT. 1}New York sTate 2}England 3}Bologna Italy, Again. 4} Cairo 5}tibet 6} sydney random thoughts in my head: ~i swear the wheels are turning on that car that's parked outside! ~three pieces of pizza are gross when it comes to little ol' me. ~i've been vague lately haven't I? I'm sorry. that's just how i've been lately. I'll be better when I come back i had SO much fun last night, I really did. Chantele's a dork,{you're a dork chantele} i want my whole life to be like that. fun, fun, fun... i think I'll just start party-ing all the time... {no I'm not going to go get drunk, there are parties without alchol you know... and I have good friends who would never do such things anyway} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,July,2003 | yay, Sean and Chantele are over... but I suppose those are the only people who read this anyway, so there's really no point in me telling you... {who are you} this? .:sigh:. what an interesting day. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,July,2003 | Sometimes, I think my name is Jane. and sometimes, it is Eleanor. Who are you? oh, you would be ... one of them. I'll shake my head in disgust of you. pull my hat down over one eye, so I'm mysterious. Aren't I mysterious? See me disappear, all that's left is the mist... reach out, touch the place where I was... but don't cling to it, its dangerous to your health. lol... who ever it was who called me a poet was sadly mistaken {duh, it was kate... THAT's where the second half of popo came from... I was the poet pope, lol} . I'm just random. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,July,2003 | Bless you {you sneezed} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,July,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,July,2003 | why? because its always like this. and I don't want it like this. .:deep breath:. I've had my signs. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,July,2003 | I should know better than to do this to myself. Haven't I learned my lesson? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,July,2003 | This world is so beautiful. I'm tired. and kind of sad today. I think I'll go take a shower, and then... retire to my quarters... .:I'm reading a book about Eleanor of Aquitaine:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,July,2003 | I went shopping today. :-) I bought two dresses, on sale. heehee, its kinda funny, they're completely different. One's like fire engine red, and comes just past my knees, sort of retro 50's-ish I guess, and the other one is white and has a huge full skirt of layered tulle, like a cloud. Its really pretty. I love trying on formal dresses. They make me feel pretty. like Maria... {... I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and bright! and I pity, yes I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight... sad, that I can type those from memory isn't it?} anyway... and I went to visit Rebecca and gave her her birthday present finally... her birthday is in September. lol. Tomorrow I'm driving to Rolla... I want to stay home and talk to my friends... well, everybody's leaving tomorrow too, oh well. .:sigh:. Last night, I had the most fun sitting in my room by myself I think I've ever had. {wow, that makes me sound like a pathetic loser doesn't it?} I was on the phone with Samantha and Chantele... wow, I had forgotten how much fun we have when the three of us are together. and I had forgotten how incredibly insane Chantele is. We were joking around about her boyfriend Ben's evil laugh {which is incredibly scary} so she calls him on her cell phone, and sticks it up next to the other phone and makes him do it over the phone... Its even scarier that way. lol. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,July,2003 | My family means the world to me. They've always been there for me, and I think I know that no matter what I do they will always love me. I have never been as grateful for them as I should be, but I will always love them too, and I would never consciously do anything to hurt them. I hope that I'm the kind of person who would never intentionally hurt anyone, especially those people who are so very close to me. I seem to have forgotten all of this though. Sometimes my frustrations get the better of me. I feel horrible. I'm sorry. I seem to have found a way to mess everything up lately. I'm sorry. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,July,2003 | Yay, I drove home tonight with my radio blasting this [VVV] song, I'm in a pretty good mood again... You people always make me feel better. Saves the Day See You My gut is burning. Won't you find me some water? Hey, just forget it can you bring me gasoline and collect a couple forks, hold them three feet apart and wait for lightning to strike to burn me up? Cause I don't think that I've got the stomach to stomach calling you today. My head is swirling. It's been carried off in the sky and where it lands is where is lands. So I guess that I will get another head and then get on with my life and leave you somewhere beneath the waves of time. And I'll wear glass shoes and plastic wrap. No, I'll just wear my insides. You want to know who I really am? Yeah so do I, yeah so do I. Cause I don't think that I've got the stomach to stomach calling you today. Right now I am turning off the lights cause I don't think that I've got the stomach to stomach calling you today. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,July,2003 | don't you know i was never ready for any of the things you said? i can count the years i've lived {the years that have passed me by} on my fingers and toes... so can you, but only in reality. don't you know that i am going to be happy? don't you know i won't cry for you anymore? don't you know that it IS better this way? {whether you like it or not?} don't you know that SOMEDAY IS NOT TOMORROW? {not even today} don't you know that you were never even real? you were a dream or maybe a nightmare I'm waking up now. don't you know? haven't you always known? I'm waking up now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,July,2003 | So I'm back again... I'm bored today. You know, I had forgotten how depressing Dashboard Confessional is... That sort of deflated my 'happy balloon' {wow, what a dork} but I'm still in a pretty good mood... I have youth group stuff tonight, and I'm hoping Sama and Chantele and I are going to see Legally Blonde 2 tomorrow night {just because we're really cool like that... we need a girl's night out anyway, what better way to solve that problem than to go see the biggest chic flic ever??????} and I was planning on going out Friday night... but somebody decided he didn't want to pay his brother to drive him out to lee's summit >:-I {jk... you know I luv you-- but you better get your insurance soon!!} Saturday is my cousin's wedding reception thing, I guess... they had a little civil court house ceremony, and they're just having a party in some park in Rolla {yay! more sun for Rachel... at this rate, i just might not be paper white when school starts} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,July,2003 | mmmm.... This past week has been really good. I'm happy again. {which is a good thing, because I eat more when I'm depressed} I love my friends {I love you guys} I spent all day yesterday having fun with Lisa and David and Stephanie, and then came home, talked to Sama for an hour and a half, went to bed at like 8:45... I love knowing that there are people who really care about me, that I can trust. I really am so happy today, I just want to wrap it around me, and curl up back in bed and sleep all day, being happy {because if I'm awake something's bound to ruin it} Of course I still have bad thoughts floating around in the back of my mind... but I'm not letting them surface at the moment. I'll just deal with those bridges when I come to them :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,July,2003 | I LOVED Thoroughly Modern Millie... it was so much fun!! I think i have a new favorite musical... well next to West side Story of course... that'll always have a place dear to my heart. I hate people who are inconsistant. {don't be inconsistant} I want someone to send me flowers... lol, just kidding. tomorrow i get to go to Worlds of Fun with Tiffany and Aaron and Stephen and Alex and maybe Jason and all those people. I'm excited. I always have fun with those people.. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,July,2003 | I had so much fun last night... We all went over to Tiffany's house and everybody else went swimming... and I thought I had done a good job keeping myself dry lol. I ended up quite wet thank you very much. hee hee... So much fun. Tonight my confirmation sponsor and her husband are coming over for dinner. My mom's going crazy. Tomorrow night I'm going to Thoroughly Modern Millie with my dad (yay!) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,July,2003 | Oh, you should have seen the sunrise when I woke up this morning. The sun wasn't even up at all yet, the light was just barely starting to reflecting off the clouds. It was that blood red color that only the sunrise has, and there were only a few touches of it, it looked like paint brush strokes. I wanted a fisheye filter for my camera to contort it, but those things cost a lot. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,July,2003 | I want to be superficial. I have this song stuck in my head Sugarcult - Hate Every Beautiful Day lyrics Something's gotta change again I'm losing, my inspirations gone, oh no oh no Seeing through some different eyes I can't find, my medications failed, again again I can feel a change I can feel, can you feel it See it on the street watching heat from the pavement Cause I'm here, ready to take it all here Everything's feeling unclear I wish it was raining Cause I hate every beautiful day Faces in the crowd Fake smiles for miles My imitations wrong of them again Trapped inside this cheap hotel Bored as hell turing the channels 'round I can feel a change I can feel, can you feel it See it on the street watching heat from the pavement Cause I'm here, ready to take it all here Everything's feeling unclear I wish it was raining Cause I hate every beautiful day I can feel a change I can feel, can you feel it See it on the street watching heat from the pavement I can feel a change I can feel, can you feel it I'm not the same, not the same lost my feeling All I know I'll never know All I know I'll never know Cause I'm here, ready to take it all here Everything's feeling unclear I wish it was raining Cause I hate every beautiful day Every beautiful day Every beautiful day Every beautiful day It doesn't mean anything... just that I listen to this cd WAY too much |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2003 | urlLink This is my aunt's ranch. I'm so random. Oh my god. I just found out that the brother of one of the guys i went to grade school with was electrocuted to death. I never particularly liked Brady or his brother, but the guy was only 18... what a horrible thing to happen. Its all in the newspaper too. urlLink article Crappy week. I had fun last night at church though. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a really long time. {ask me about it some time, it was quite an amusing story} funny isn't it? Tuesday night I was crying, Wednesday night, i'm laughing. .:sigh:. that's my life for you ;-) ugh. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2003 | What can I say? I have too much pride for my own good. My mom wants to know if anybody besides her knows how horribly depressed I really am. Do you know? You can't possibly. I'm very good at hiding it. I'm getting no where. I'm going no where. I need out of here. There isn't anywhere to go? Yes, I know I'm being vague. Assume what you like. It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters anymore. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2003 | so, I completely snapped last night. I just really couldn't deal with the stress anymore. I don't think I've cried like that since I was five. I was violently sobbing {as much as I hate to admit it} and I couldn't stop. I think I cried for almost an hour. It was really horrible. I feel better now though, I've released all that anxiety. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,July,2003 | There's an article in the paper about how three local golf courses' pro shops were broken into last night. Its a mystery! Just think, I could go, and gather clues... and be just like Nancy Drew! I can see it now... My books would be green, instead of that weird yellow color, and the very first one, with a giant #1 on the front of it would be 'Rachel and the Case of the Missing Golf Clubs'. wow, am I bored or what? and my parents are gone too. Too bad I don't have anyone to talk to. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,July,2003 | You know you're obsessed when the first thing you do after you get payed is go to the camera shop and blow 50 bucks, and a whole hour, talking to the woman who owns the shop about different developing processes... which I did, today. and I'm still very excited. I can't wait to go home and try out my new filters. wow... that really is sad isn't it? They asked me to do a reflection on my relationship with God for a whole bunch of Middle Schoolers tomorrow night. Supposedly I'm good at this kind of thing. So I have a lot of thinking to do between now and tomorrow night. {Note: I STILL have D.C. Sleeps stuck in my head... Its been what two weeks now?} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,July,2003 | I'm bored. nothing makes sense to me anymore. I think I've lost my head. Perhaps I'm having a nervous breakdown... its quite likely actually. Maybe that would explain what's been wrong with me for the past three weeks or so. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,July,2003 | Look its my self portrait. I'm scary. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,July,2003 | lovely... just lovely |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,July,2003 | and as time passes, the wait grows longer the end seems less likely to come. is it worth it? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,July,2003 | darn. We didn't win the lottery. I would have had fun with 216 million dollars. that's a lot of money I think I'm going miniature golfing with St. Robert's youth group tonight. I haven't been putt-putting in forever. lol. St. Robert's is adopting our youth group over the summer since Cindy went a got a job with the state so she can talk to kids with REAL problems. lol. But yeah Pat (LPM) and Josh (RDL) have apparently volunteered me to help out at St. roberts with this middle schoolers thing every night next week, and play volleyball Sunday night. yay. I'm excited. I missed volleyball. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,July,2003 | its supposed to rain this afternoon, or tonight. I wish I were home so I could go out in it and get soaked. its so warm, this would be the perfect day for it. lol... this fun. look, Samantha's coming over saturday to teach me how to make guacamole... which looks like this: lol. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,July,2003 | ::me messing with html again...:: {does it work?} Hey, cool, it does. i'm a genius. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,July,2003 | Can you tell I'm bored? This is funny [>>>] urlLink Barbecue anyone? and my new favorite website {besides this one of course} is simplyvintage.com I want every t-shirt on the site. lol. Speaking of websites though, I also really like this one too. Someday when I get really good at html, my site will look like this urlLink Intensify {but I'm doing ok for teaching myself dont you think?} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,July,2003 | Poor Rachel. :-( lol... she's a dork... and a weirdo too. what is the world coming to? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,July,2003 | think happy thoughts... {lol sound of music, favorite things... Rachel style} ...hmmm... late night conversations ;-) finding out something I didn't know before warm sunshine on my skin rain on my face sleeping in on Saturdays till noon zipping along in my car with the radio turned up ALL ThE WAY {even though my speakers suck, so i can't turn the bass up all the way :-( } Bobby, when he's being a good cute sweet little brother {we're not even going to think about the bratty lil brother I've got sometimes... but ok... let me interject this story really quick. Bobby has this program on his computer that came with a little camera, and lets you record and cut and edit video and all that, so he makes these movies with it. He's getting really good at it. the other day he did one that was a talent show, but it was all him, with different hats etc. on... lol it was hysterical. I can see it now, he's gonna be the next Steven Spielburg.... lol and I'll be nobody.} anyway... moving on... happy thoughts... getting flowers, even if they are crazy colored and make me think I'm delusional watching the patterns of light change in the forest as the light filters down through the leaves being loved doing absolutely nothing and knowing that there isn't anything i should be doing while I'm doing nothing. {Not that that happens that often... I should be doing other things right now... like working... oh well} having money spending money knowing I'm really lucky and should be grateful for all of the above. We're going to be in California the first full week of August. I think we're leaving on the second. I think that'll be ok. I miss people, but I'll get to spend time with my family, and we're going to go tide pooling... Did you know those are some of the most diverse self-contained ecological systems in the world? Can you tell I'm excited? My dad thinks I should go and shoot all black and white film, and mess around with different filters and stuff. I think I'm going to like this trip. Maybe eventually I'll get my dad to set up my dark room for me and I can actually start on my college portfolio. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,July,2003 | The wise man is he who possesses a torch of his own; He is the guide and leader of the caravan. That leader is his own director and light; That illuminated one follows his own lead. He is his own protector; do ye also seek protection From that light whereon his soul is nurtured. The second, he, namely, who is half wise, Knows the wise man to be the light of his eyes. He clings to the wise man like a blind man to his guide, So as to become possessed of the wise man's sight. But the fool, who has no particle of wisdom, Has no wisdom of his own, and quits the wise man. He knows nothing of the way, great or small, And is ashamed to follow the footsteps of the guide. He wanders into the boundless desert, Sometimes halting and despairing, sometimes running. He has no lamp wherewith to light himself on his way, Nor half a lamp which might recognise and seek light. He lacks wisdom, so as to boast of being alive, And also half wisdom, so as to assume to be dead. That half wise one became as one utterly dead In order to rise up out of his degradation. If you lack perfect wisdom, make yourself as dead Under the shadow of the wise, whose words give life. The fool is neither alive so as to companion with Isa, [=Jesus] Nor yet dead so as to feel the power of Isa's breath. His blind soul wanders in every direction, And at last makes a spring, but springs not upwards. Rumi I've got that song {D.C. Sleeps... The Postal Service} stuck in my head again. I need to get my hair trimmed again. I have piano tonight what do I need from the grocery store? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,July,2003 | mm... I was going to rant about time/clocks/watches... like what it says about our society that we are so dependent on time that we all carry little miniature clocks around on on our wrists {or in several other forms as well} but I suppose thats just me being ridiculous {again}. I found a cool old watch in our basement yesterday, that's why i was thinking about it. Anyway... Lately I've been extremely jumpy, even for me. My mom reached over and patted my arm at dinner last night and I MAJORLY freaked out. It scared the crap out of me. I woke up last night virtually in tears... I keep having these dreams that bad things are happening to the people I love, and there isn't anything I can do. {there isn't ever anything I can do... not even in the waking world} I couldn't go back to sleep, every muscle in my body was tensed up... so much that I'm still sore. once again, I wish there was a way I could prevent my dreams from coming. I need real sleep. I don't know when the last time I had real, solid sleep was. {well, I guess it was when I was heavily sedated last week... } |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,July,2003 | So, I guess its kind of like this... I already told you I've fallen to pieces, except the pieces are still together, just broken, and it takes every ounce of my being to hold the pieces together. And every ounce of my being is tired {exhausted} of holding the pieces of me together. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. {too bad I don't have any other choice.} There isn't anything else left. I know what could put me back together {two things actually} but neither look about to happen in the near future. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,July,2003 | this shade of red looks more and more like blood it doesn't matter now it doesn't I know what will happen it will be better that way don't tell me I'm being silly I know what will happen. Elizabeth? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,July,2003 | ...look at me... teaching myself html... well, I suppose its half-way decent, isn't it? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,July,2003 | My name is Rachel. {duh, we already knew that.} rachel is hebrew, and means ewe {ya know, like a mamma sheep} Ewe also somehow converts into meaning lamb, or mother...{those are other quote-unquote definitions of Rachel} So, I'm supposed to be lamb-like, and motherly {I suppose that's rather amusing isn't it?} so I was sitting here, looking at my name on the piece of paper in front of me, and I realized just how hebrew my name really is, I mean, look at it... Ra-chel... those aren't normal syllables found in our language. And since my name is hebrew, the language of the Israelis, or used to be the language of the israelis.. am I supposed to be devoted to the israelis, and scorn the palestinians? {am i really jewish???} The more I look at it the weirder it looks. {rachel rachel rachel rachel rachel rachel rachel rachel} Hey that [ wow... I'm psycho. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,July,2003 | Another depressing song... I don't know why I like it. I suppose you might call it mainstream but hey... radiohead There, There In pitch dark I go walking in your landscape Broken branches Trip me as I speak Just cos you feel it Doesn't mean it's there Just cos you feel it Doesn't mean it's there There's always a siren Singing you to shipwreck (Don't reach out, don't reach out Don't reach out, don't reach out) Stay away from each rocks We'd be a walking disaster (Don't reach out, don't reach out Don't reach out, don't reach out) Just cos you feel it Doesn't mean it's there (Someone on your shoulder Someone on your shoulder) Just cos you feel it Doesn't mean it's there (Someone on your shoulder Someone on your shoulder) There there! Why so green and lonely? Lonely, lonely Heaven sent you to me To me, to me We are accidents waiting Waiting to happen We are accidents waiting Waiting to happen |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,July,2003 | I've been falling to pieces for the past several months, and I think I'm finally losing it. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 31,August,2003 | I'm suffocating. My lungs are bursting. If you hit me, I would pop like a brown paper lunch bag clenched in your fist. minus the air. inhale inhale inhale, shaky, like a child who's been sobbing on my shoulder for eternity. sigh... perhaps I'll float away, like a big red balloon. oxygen deprived, plenty of helium. really... I am so incredibly odd... I should not be allowed to sit around and think by myself, I turn rather insane. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,August,2003 | peaches are the nectar of the gods. mmmmmmmmm... Sometimes, when I'm laying awake at night, in the ungodly hours of the twighlight morning, I forget things... and remember other things I had forgotten before. I remember. remembering isn't always a good thing. That's when I fall asleep, I fall asleep to forget again, before I do something I dare not. before I do something drastic. I'm rather anxious about starting the new school year. I want to know if its going to be a good or bad year. I want to know how things are going to be now that they're different. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,August,2003 | AHHH. I need a pillow to scream into. oh, and this book I'm reading? guy's version of Briget Jones's Diary. its alright. when you're procrastinating, anything is alright. Do you miss me? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35. But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a car accident or be shot. You'll never have to see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad. By the way, its common knowledge that more people with great goals and aspirations die young. And if you want to die old, you'll die young and vice versa. urlLink At what age will you die? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | that's Sama... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | this one looks kinda cool squished like that... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | yay for uploading my pics on to angelfire, and then putting them on my blog... except they're really big, and I have to resize them, and it distorts them a little. anyway, let me know what you think. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,August,2003 | Ok, so this is the last time today, I promise... I'm just being really REALLY good at procrastinating. Tomorrow, I will only post once, because I have five and a half pages to pull out of thin air. {that's a lot of work you know} In a minute, I will go to my room and sit and read the book I am reading. It's called 'my legendary girlfriend' which is... quote-unquote 'a novel for those who have dumped, been dumped, or live in a dump.' that in of itself was enough to get me to pick up this book at the library. I've only read the first page though, so I can't tell you if I like it or not. Speaking of books though... I thought this was interesting. {I don't neccessarily agree, I just thought it was interesting.} ''So one time when I was working in this motel one of the toilets leaked and I have to replace the flapper ball. Here's what it said on the package; I kept it till I knew it by heart: 'Please Note. Parts are included for all installations, but no installation requires all of the parts.' That's kind of my philosophy about men. I don't think there's an installation out there that could use all of my parts.' Lou Ann covered her mouth to hide a laugh. I wondered who had ever told her laughing was a federal offense. 'I'm serious, now. I'm talkin mental capacity and everything, not just parts like what they cut a chicken into.' By this time she was laughing out loud.... 'They can always use a breast or a thigh or a leg, but nobady wants the scroungy old neckbones!' 'Don't forget the wings,' I said. 'They always want to gobble up your wings right off the bat.'' The Bean Trees Barbara Kingsolver Isn't that interesting? Rather ironic I suppose, but I love ironicizims... {yes I know I'm making up words, but hey, its my blog} I need to go back and start reading Kurt Vonnegut again. Good-night. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,August,2003 | oh, and I forgot... last night at cantor practice... I consistantly hit a high F... I can't begin to explain how excited I got. That was the good part of last night. Then it got bad, but that's ok. I'm good now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,August,2003 | So, I got a new commenting host... I didn't like the old one, but I think I messed it up anyway... I put it in the wrong spot in my template... Silly Rachel...lol. anyway... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,August,2003 | Last night was NOT a good night. {end of story} Today was... interesting. Anna Stewart is coming back. I thought I was finally rid of her. .:sigh:. {maybe she's changed, and she's really a good person, and I shouldn't hold grudges against her...} London and Kate together... oh what a combination. If one more person asks me that god forsaken question... I think I will drive my car into a brick wall at 150 mph. Seriously... you're never done when you think you are. I still have a huge paper to write. I am procrastinating. :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,August,2003 | Sometimes, I swear this song is about me. 3am Matchbox Twenty she say its cold outside and she hands me my raincoat shes always worried about things like that she says its all gonna end and it might as well be my fault and she only sleeps when its raining and she screams and her voice is straining (chorus) she says baby its 3 am I must be lonely when she says baby well I cant help but be scared of it all sometimes says the rains gonna wash away I believe it shes got a little bit of something, God its better than nothing and in her color portrait world she believes that shes got it all she swears the moon dont hang quite as high as it used to and she only sleeps when its raining and she screams and her voice is straining (chorus) she believes that life is made up of all that youre used to and the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days she thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway but outside its stopped raining (chorus) Are you asleep? would you tell me if you weren't? what if I needed you right now? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,August,2003 | so much for sleeping... I know what time it is... I know what time it used to be. I think maybe I know what's happening. I think I just like pretending I know. I know how things are supposed to be, and by golly, I'm gonna make 'em that way. Do you think reciting the things I think/know makes me feel better? Perhaps once they leak out of my head, I no longer have to think/know them. and then I can think/know other things. Perhaps. I like that word... its so hopeful, in a sort of not going to happen sort of way. Perhaps. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,August,2003 | I am: a miserable failure incredibly irresponsible, late, never good enough, an ungrateful wretch, undeserving, unintelligent, not who you need me to be. i'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,August,2003 | hey I've had almost 300 hits... WHO ARE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE???????????? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,August,2003 | This is that Sylvia Plath poem I was talking about. Tulips Sylvia Plath The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here. Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands. I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions. I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses And my history to the anaesthetist and my body to surgeons. They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut. Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in. The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble, They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps, Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another, So it is impossible to tell how many there are. My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently. They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep. Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage - My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox, My husband and child smiling out of the family photo; Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks. I have let things slip, a thirty-year-old cargo boat Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address. They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations. Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head. I am a nun now, I have never been so pure. I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free - The peacefulness is so big it dazes you, And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets. It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet. The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me. Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby. Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds. They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down, Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their colour, A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck. Nobody watched me before, now I am watched. The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins, And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips, And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself. The vivid tulips eat my oxygen. Before they came the air was calm enough, Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss. Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise. Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine. They concentrate my attention, that was happy Playing and resting without committing itself. The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves. The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals; They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat, And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me. The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea, And comes from a country far away as health. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,August,2003 | So... I had another one of those dreams last night... except this time it was {or at least I was telling myself it was} my fault. Bobby and I were driving somewhere... on the highway, and all of a sudden a car come flying up an exit ramp, and of course, we were right at the end of the ramp, and I was boxed in, so there wasn't anywhere I could go. It was like it was in slow motion, and I could see the car coming careening drunkenly at 100 miles an hour towards Bobby.{no not towards us... towards Bobby, that's what I was thinking.} The other car slammed into Bobby's side of the car, and we got pushed into the car on my side too... so I've got blood all over me, and I can see Bobby disgustingly mangled... so I pick up my cell phone, and call 911, but I'm so disoriented I have no idea where we are, so all I can do is cry Help me, help me, help me help me help me, and then I blacked out. Then I woke up in the hospital,and there were all these people in my room, and it was all white... {reminds me of a Sylvia Plath poem... I'll look it up in a minute} but the second I realized what happened I was screaming for Bobby... WHERE IS HE???? BOBBY BOBBY... WHERE IS HE?? and everybody just sort of looked at each other, and somebody was said something like 'hes in a better place now...' I was sobbing, sort of chanting under my breath... no.. no. no. no.. I woke up choking on my tears/screams... Its a good thing nobody was home to hear me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,August,2003 | mmm... strawberry tea for breakfast. Tomorrow I think I will be depressed. Tomorrow is orientation... which means I need to get my shiz-nit together, and stop being such a lazy bum... which reminds me... I still have a TON of schtuff {MY WORD!} all over my room, and I have six pages to write before tuesday, AND I have to vacuum the downstairs for my mom... oh, and I need to wash my hair...{I got pancake batter in it this morning... just because I'm THAT GOOD!!!} The other day, I was screwing around on the phone with Samantha doing the ditzy voice {yes also known as the 'Hi, I'm Baby, don't you wanna slap me?' voice... DON'T ask!} and Sama was like... you're way too good at that... maybe its because that's like the anti-you, and you just have to get all that out of you somehow.... And some people would say that's the epitome of me.... hmmm.. yup, I'm rambling... I think I'll go now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,August,2003 | Yay for a new layout!! Yeah, I know, I need to get more complicated eventually... but until I get the hang of this html stuff... oh and yes... that's me over there [>>>] |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,August,2003 | Ok, so I lied... Fed up isn't playing Friday night... Its The Underdog conspiracy... A Promised Victory, Falling Short, the Seventh Chapter, Rivendale, NOt Quite White and a Silent Ending are all playing at Rotary park... Its on vesper, off 7 hwy, if you need directions, email me, or call my cell {after nine... I used all my minutes talking to Sean for two hours earlier... :-)} umm... yeah... five days till school starts... UGH |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,August,2003 | well, today I went to church and talked to the music director for two and a half hours... then I went and got my mom some lunch, and picked up my mom's book at the library. When I got home I did laundry. Sean came over at 5, and we hung out, and watched Moulin Rouge... Amanda's having a show friday, Underdog Conspiracy, and Fed Up are playing, and I don't know who else, Amanda said six or seven bands... its from 5-10... you should all come. I like daisies. |
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