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1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,May,2004 | I love my blog. Its a giant hunk of me! I am very bored. Goodnight. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,May,2004 | I think God must like me a lot. I am the most blessed person I know. How did I get so lucky? So many wonderful miracles... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,May,2004 | I can't say anything, or else this amazing feeling will somehow leak out of me, and I'll feel all deflated. but I do feel wonderful. and I LOVE YOU! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,May,2004 | urlLink This is one of the pictures I won a prize for from the MIPA. urlLink |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,May,2004 | 'O, dearer than the air I breathe...' I'm studying for latin ego volo benem fortunam. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,May,2004 | Rachel in a Nutshell I'm just a girl who wants to see the world {through the lens of a camera} a single word of praise can make my day, and a single word of criticism can ruin it. {perhaps I'm bipolar} Bagels spy on me, which makes me paranoid, and I have my own Stalkers Club. {JUST KIDDING!} My favorite book is Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech {see Dec. 8}, but I also love books by Margaret Atwood, though her books put me in a somewhat depressed, off sort of a mood. I don't like being poked... I love hugs. My favorite color is green... a shade somewhere between sage and celery... I save worms from terrible deaths. When I actually eat food at Winsteads I order a fried egg sandwich with tomato. I have a tendecy to switch letters in words around {matato} I believe that peaches are the nectar of the gods. I've played piano for nine years, and just now discovered that I love music... even though I suck at piano. I saw Mary once, and I pray every night before I go to sleep {though I'm sure some people wouldn't call that praying.} I've been to 5 different countries. I wear ribbons on my ponytail. I don't really cry. I'm kind of clumsy {maybe really clumsy} I am terrified of the dark. My favorite inspirational quote is in French, and I don't speak french. { le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point. } I've gone through somethings that no one should ever have to go through {most people have} and I've finally gotten over it. {yes really, finally. I'm not sure when this happened, but today one of those songs came on the radio, and I remembered. All I felt was a twinge of anger. Do you know what a wonderful feeling that was?} I worry too much. I spent three days in the hospital with my mom, and those three days changed me. I learned the depth of compassion, and guilt. I wish I could pack up a box of all the food I don't eat anyway and send it to the starving people. I want to be good, but most of the time I am not. In general, I am a mediocre person... but I'm very lucky, so that makes up for it. I have never had a ballet class before in my life, but I turn pirouettes across the kitchen while I'm unloading the dishwasher. I have a love/hate relationship with my best friend. I know a lot of stuff, but I'm not smart. I think its not that big of a deal. I know every word to every song on Matchbox Twenty's 'Yourself or Something like you' CD. I love the sound of thunder... it makes me giggle. clouds make me giggle too {:-) And even after all this, I am still suffering from an identity crisis. Or maybe its because of all this. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,May,2004 | well... hopefully the worst is over... I've only got chemistry, history, and latin left... latin's the only one I'm kinda scared about. why am I the way I am? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,May,2004 | why? I suppose it figures doesn't it? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,May,2004 | So I just wrote the most amazing post that was me in a nutshell... and then my computer turned off. ARG! I guess the one thing I really need to say is go back and read Dec.8, and all through the Sharon Creech stuff... its kinda important. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,May,2004 | what can I say? I need to study for finals. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,May,2004 | I've had the most wonderful past few days. Of course I'm a little stressed about finals, but whatever. We had a good mass at school on Friday, yay for LPM skills coming to good use... The priest actually told me I should consider being a liturgist... at the moment I think that's my 2nd choice... Ms. Prentiss stopped me after school to tell me how much she liked the photo I took that she bought at the Fine Arts Showcase. She said, 'It's beautiful.' I don't think much other praise has ever meant more to me. This is why I am a photographer. AND! I saw Sean last night, and today. Its amazing how just having him{you} here makes me feel wonderful... like just being around you makes me feel prettier{I should add that to the list}, Like I could glow with enough light to turn the night to day. :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,May,2004 | Today was a good day... Starting at about 10:30 last night... hee hee. Rose Dillon and I moused Chantele. {again} and we ate lots and lots and lots of chocolate cake. {ca-ake.} In Newspaper we played 20 Questions... that was fun. I love Newspaper. I really do. {you too} and we practiced for mass today, and sang my lil' heart out. Singing makes me in a good mood... unless I'm in a crappy mood. .:giggle:. Yesterday Mr. Thomas asked me if I would do journalism practicum next year. That was cool. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,May,2004 | I love strawberries A weird thing about me: I hate thinking about worms suffocating and drying up to death on the driveway, so after it rains {like this morning} I go and pick all of them up off the driveway and throw them back in the grass. There are some things, some thoughts that just can't be released from the constraints of my mind. If I told you, something terrible might happen. But: when is it too much? Is that even possible? Why doesn it scare me so much? .:giggle:. I have a plot. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,May,2004 | urlLink Yay photoblogging capabilities!!!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! urlLink |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,May,2004 | arg. what is all this craziness? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,May,2004 | I've forgotten. won't you tell me who I am? I'm lost. won't you find me? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,May,2004 | Sometimes I think I let it get to me. All those things they say are absorbed into me and my self esteem plummets. ha ha, can you imagine, MY self esteem plummeting? {that's funny} I'm fine. it just hurts sometimes. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,May,2004 | Hands up. I surrender. that's it for now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,May,2004 | last night was... wonderful {what else?} I went bowling with Bobby and Sean... it was pretty funny. On a completely different note: I've discovered another fault of mine. I a very unforgiving person. I hold grudges against people for stuff they did to me in 3rd grade {Anna Stewart} I just can't let go for some reason... and because I can't forgive these things, I can't let go of the pain they caused. .:sigh:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,May,2004 | Conversations with Sean-- Soybeenchik847 [6:41 PM]: silly Seano Realitys Cry [6:41 PM]: racheo Realitys Cry [6:41 PM]: rachello Soybeenchik847 [6:41 PM]: that would make you seao Soybeenchik847 [6:41 PM]: lol Realitys Cry [6:41 PM]: ra-cello Realitys Cry [6:42 PM]: rajello Realitys Cry [6:42 PM]: Rejello!! Soybeenchik847 [6:42 PM]: or maybe not I wrote this on Tuesday: I'm eating a bagel... again. I love bagels. Last week when I went to buy my bagel, the man who took my order seemed to tell what I was going to order just by looking at me. He asked me if I wanted my reciept, and I said, 'Yes, please.' He gave me the oddest look and said, 'I thought so.' Today I had to drive to the bank to make sure I had the money for a bagel. When I pulled out of the bank, there was a college student wearing a red polo shirt standing on the sidewalk. I noted his presense, but thought nothing of it. I drove the few blocks to the bagel shop, and there he was again, crossing the street in front of me. When I went into the shop, he was already in line, ordering a bagel. I thought: 'The bagels are spying on me.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,May,2004 | So um... Who got two awards from the Missouri Interscholastic Press Association for her outstanding photojournalism? Yeah, THats right. ME!!! YAY! Mr. Thomas also made me stand up and said that the amount of recognition we recieved for photojournalism this year was five times what we got last year... Yay for being photo editor. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,May,2004 | Distracted with her pain she flies the woods, Bounds oer the lawn, and seeks the silent floods, with fruitless care; for still the fatal dart sticks in her side, and rankles in her heart. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,May,2004 | Ms. Hernon is my Algebra II teacher. She's probably in her fifties, and looks kind of severe, at first glance anyway, but I'll talk more about that later. She has salt and pepper hair that never has a single strand out of place. A lot of people in our class are a little bit afraid of her because she gives people 'evil-eye glares' and says things like, 'If one more person tries to tell me {blah blah blah} then I think I'm going to slit my wrists.' {She's funny like that.} But: I think she's probably one of the better teachers I've had at STA. And if given a second glance I think she's kind of cute, she has the most interesting sense of humor, and she genuinely cares about how her students are doing. {It is possible she's just been in a pretty good mood the past couple of days and she's left a good impression on me.} No one knows if she's married or not... I've even heard rumors she was in the Peace Corps. She orders clothes online while we're taking tests, and her toenails are painted pink. {It's kind of hard to imagine Ms. Hernon going to get a pedicure, or even painting her own toenails.} A couple months ago she was teaching us about 'depressed polynomials'. When she announced this topic, she turned from the board, and with a slight smile she said,'Now girls, this has nothing to do with the mental state of the numbers.' It is a sign of how afraid the girls in our class are of her, that I was the only one who laughed. Today, we were going over some of our problems from homework last night, and we all were exclaiming about how we had all made the same mistake. Ms. Hernon interrupted us from her desk and said, 'Well this would be one case where majority does not rule.' For me, math has Never been a forte. I didn't learn my times tables until something like 7th grade. Because I was impeded by this, I didn't do well in my math classes, and I decided I hated them. My feelings toward mathmatics have become a little less vehement since I've been at STA, but I still don't always look forward to climbing the stairs to the second floor of Donnelly, where the math classes are. At the moment, I am not exactly excelling in algebra, so today I went to ask Ms. Hernon what I have been doing wrong. Even I had been a little afraid of going to her one-on-one to ask for help, but I mustered up all of my courage, and dived into her classroom. She knew exactly what I needed to do {I haven't been studying properly.} and she helped me figure out how to fix that problem. She was genuinely concerned with my grade, and told me several times how she knows I'm completely capable of doing well in her class. It always helps to know that your teacher thinks your competent {maybe even intellegent.} I've already written a lot about Mr. Thomas, and there are several other teachers here who really have made a difference, not just in my education, but in how I view myself. Magistra Rowland, my Latin teacher is moving to St. Louis this summer, and I'm really upset because she would have been the only teacher who had me all four years of my high school career. She's taken an interest in my photography as well. Whenever I bring in photos or my portfolio or something to school she always expresses interest, and she asked me if I would take photos for the Latin club dinner. I remember one day, I forgot my book, and I was scared to ask her if I could borrow a book because I know she hates it when girls don't bring their books to class, but I did ask her and she said, 'Well Rachel, since you're so sweet, I suppose you can borrow one.' She has also made me fall in love with the Latin languange, and Roman culture, and I will always be indebted to her for that. Thank God for all my wonderful teachers, and for today, especially Ms. Hernon. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,May,2004 | so I'm pretty sure I don't really like the new blogger. Hopefully I'll get used to it soon. I was worried about Jamie before, because I hadn't heard anything about how she was doing. Now I know how she's doing, and I'm still worried about her. But I think she'll be alright. It was terrible though. I just can't fathom what she must be going through. I knew there wasn't really anything I could say, so I hugged her, and told her that if she needed anything, that I was there. I will continue to keep them in my prayers. but at the moment, I can't emotionally afford to let this get to me too much. {does that make me sound selfish? I am.} But I'm going to write about something else now... something that makes me happy. Every time we talk, every time we're together, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you. The miracle of it all is that I'm not afraid of the darkness of these depths. I'm not drowning, I'm thriving. I feel safe, {perhaps beyond my better judgement, but I do...} These depths are my refuge, my comfort. I can draw from my love for you to find the strength to love others the way I should... You make me a better person. :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,May,2004 | So I'm leaving in a little while to go to Jamie's Dad's visitation. I'm really worried about Jamie, no one seems to know how she's doing. Keep her in your prayers. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,May,2004 | So blogger has completely changed on me. That means this will probably be completely different in the next couple of days. hmm... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,May,2004 | There isn't really anything for me to say, except that this isn't getting any better. Juana got a blog too. I love irises. They're blooming now. This is the poem I wrote about irises last year: the irises are blooming the irises of my eyes blooming like the blood on the white sheets blooming like the bodies buried, hidden coming up roses here's the knife let me carve out the part that hurts lay it on the altar an offering funny how it still somewhat applies. In general though, I'm much happier than I was then. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,May,2004 | Wonderful Things: I'm watching South Pacific: I expect everyone of my crowd to make fun Of my proud protestations of faith in romance, And they'll say I'm nave as a babe to believe Every fable I hear from a person in pants. Fearlessly I'll face them and argue their doubts away, Loudly I'll sing about flowers in spring, Flatly I'll stand on my little flat feet and say Love is a grand and a beautiful thing! I'm not ashamed to reveal The world famous feelin' I feel. I'm as corny as Kansas in August, I'm as normal as blueberry pie. No more a smart little girl with no heart, I have found me a wonderful guy! I am in a conventional dither, With a conventional star in my eye. And you will note there's a lump in my throat When I speak of that wonderful guy! I'm as trite and as gay as a daisy in May, A clich comin' true! I'm bromidic and bright As a moon-happy night Pourin' light on the dew! I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as a flag on the Fourth of July! If you'll excuse an expression I use, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy! I'm as trite and as gay as a daisy in May, A clich comin' true! I'm bromidic and bright As a moon-happy night Pourin' light on the dew! I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as a flag on the Fourth of July! If you'll excuse an expression I use, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy! :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,May,2004 | it isn't worth being miserable over, so I'm just going to be thankful for you. aka: Sean and Juana |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,May,2004 | Explanation: yesterday I was bored so I started redoing my template, but then my computer died, and I thought it deleted it all, but evidently it didn't. So its half done... and I don't have the energy to finish it right now... :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,May,2004 | .:shiver:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,May,2004 | ::Rachel recites/sings along with Singin in the Rain:: All I do the whole night through Is dream of you. With the dawn I still go on Dreamin' of you. You're every thought, you're everything, You're every song I ever sing Summer, winter, autumn, and spring. Were there more than 24 hours a day, They'd be spent in sweet content dreamin' away. Sky's are gray! Sky's are blue! Morning, noon, and night-time, too! All I do the whole day through Is dream of you-o-u! All I do the whole night through Is dream of you. With the dawn I still go on Dreamin' of you. You're every thought, you're everything, You're every song I ever sing Summer, winter, autumn, and spring. Were there more than 24 hours a day, They'd be spent in sweet content dreamin' away. Sky's are gray! Sky's are blue! Morning, noon, and night-time, too! All I do the whole day through Is dream of you-o-u! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,May,2004 | So I found the box in my closet with all of my stuff from World Youth Day in it. I had forgotten how much that trip touched me. On our way to Toronto, we stopped at the Shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes, I met Sister Marguerite, who I spoke with for almost half an hour speaking with, and when I left she gave me the special blessing of Our Lady to carry to the youth from all over the world who I would be meeting with, who she said were the Torch-bearers, Our Lady's soldiers of love. When we got to Toronto, we met our hosts, whose house we would be living in for a week. Our hosts names were Gerry and Kath. They had moved to Toronto from England, and they were the most loving people I have ever met in my entire life. Everything we could possibly have needed they had for us, which included leaving pices of chocolate on our bed every day. The first night of World Youth Day 300,000 people gathered, and we had Mass together. I have never felt such great faith in one place. And I rather doubt I ever will. It was amazing to hear the Our Father said in so many different languages at once, It truly was beautiful. Finally the day came when I got to see the pope. I think it is impossible to describe the aura that surrounds him, or what its like to hear him speak, despite his Parkinsons... We slept outside with the whole community on the last night, and woke up in the morning to celebrate Mass with the Holy Father. He blessed us all as we left. When it was time to leave Toronto, Gerry traced the sign of the cross on our foreheads, and kissed both our cheeks, yet another blessing that had been placed on. I truly am so blessed. I couldn't even begin to list the miracles that have occured in my life. Thank you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,June,2004 | I went to the dentist today and now my teeth are clean. Who wants to kiss me? {lol} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,June,2004 | I had forgotten what wonderful therapy driving through the country with the radio blaring is. I'm in the best mood now. And Lauren Taylor called me and asked if I wanted to go see Spiderman 2 with her and Sarah. Redemption comes from the oddest places. Somebody asked about the lyrics on my AIM profile, at the bottom so... Its Radiohead, 'Living in a Glass House', and there are two versions: Once again I'm in trouble with my only friend She is papering the window panes She is putting on a smile Living in a glass house Once again packed like frozen food and battery hens Think of all the starving millions Don't talk politics and don't throw stones Your royal highnesses Well of course I'd like to sit around and chat Well of course I'd like to stay and chew the fat Well of course I'd like to sit around and chat But someone's listening in Once again we are hungry for a lynching That's a strange mistake to make You should turn the other cheek Living in a glasshouse Well of course I'd like to sit around and chat Well of course I'd like to stay and chew the fat Well of course I'd like to sit around and chat Only only only only only only only only.... There's someone listening in and then once again, she is smashing up her house again she is throwing things through windows she is mad at someone else again, it is now a broken home once again, i am so low with my only friend he is smashing up his house again you are throwing things at me again and i'm wrecked up all inside well if i stop that singing now and shout well if i stop that singing to you friend well if i stop that singing now and shout someone is standing there there i'm home, once the feet inside shout it out once a beating when i make my way out once a beating when i'm home inside there is nothing wrong at all well if I stop that singing now and shout well if I stop that singing to you friend well if I stop that singing now and shout someone is standing there |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,June,2004 | The Lost Soul urlLink What sign of the Black Zodiac are you? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla hmm... that's interesting. I'm a lost soul .:weep:. {laughs} Mandy does depressing quizes. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,June,2004 | seal the sin (9:10:21 PM): *grin* i think it seal the sin (9:10:27 PM): d be cool to hang out with rachel seal the sin (9:10:34 PM): *grin* rachel seal the sin (9:10:41 PM): like she seal the sin (9:10:48 PM): cuz rachels a nice kid really? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,June,2004 | I don't think I remember ever being this frustrated in so many directions before. My parents are driving me crazy, I hate my job. {sitting at a desk all day going 'I hate this, I hate this, I hate this...' isn't very good for your morals. I feel terribly sorry for people who have to do this their whole lives.} I don't know what I want anymore. My life just might end up being a waste of time. {would that surprise you?} I feel like I'm in a canyon in the badlands, and the screams of my soul are echoing all around me, and cannot be silenced. I'm standing in the midst of this, and laughing. Laughing hysterically. I am a madwoman. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,June,2004 | Baseball is a nother cause {I just typed a-nother... ha ha. I'm leaving that because that's funny.} of nostalgia for me. When I was little we'd always go to the game on the 4th of July to watch the fireworks with our next door neighbors, and my childhood best friend, Rynie {or Ryan... but I called him Rynie.} That was back when Bo Jackson played for the Royals, and I would sit on my dad's shoulders and yell 'Go Bo! Go Bo!' in my little 4-year-old voice. George Brett still played then too, so the Royals were actually a decent team. Not so anymore. They lost to the Cardinals 10-3, but I was rooting for the Cardinals anyway. Pitching for both teams was amazingly terrible. Amazingly. oh well. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,June,2004 | Oh, and Kevin made an urlLink interesting point ... well Kevin always makes interesting points, but this one, I actually relate and agree-to-a-point with... {lol} and from now on, I will play the part of Rosaline, thank you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,June,2004 | I love fireflies/lightning bugs. The glimpses of light in the darkness are incredibly comforting for me, little bits of hope. I remember catching them when I was really little, and keeping them in jars with holes punched in the lids. I had to let them out before I went to bed though, otherwise they'd be dead by morning. One night, freshman year I was over at a family friend's house out in the country, and we were all out in the yard. I was playing with the little kids who were catching the fireflies. They would all catch one and bring it to me to hold in my hands. After I while I had ten or so cupped in my hands, and one of the little girls was convinced that when I let them go, they would all fly up, and make a little lighted circle in the air. It was a little weird, but I thought it was cute. I told one of the guys I was dating at the time about this... maybe Travis or Ishmael {that was before I stopped dating Rockhurst guys} and he said something like, 'If I had known fireflies would capture your heart, I would have caught you one a long time ago.' I thought that was really cute too, until he brought me an envelope full of dead fireflies the next time I saw him. I was so upset that he had killed them all, that was the last time I talked to him I think. I also remember going out to catch them at a sleepover in first grade, and squishing their glowing tails onto our skin to make interestingly beautiful, yet morbid and shortlived jewelry. I'm thinking if I get a tripod, and leave my shutter open long enough I could capture a whole field of them on film... .:ponders:. pray that it rains tonight so I can get some sleep... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,June,2004 | 27 days till Corcoran... yay! {only what if...??...!} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,June,2004 | Today I'm going to Six Flags in St. Louis, so I can't post random mindless chatterings today. I'm sorry. I know you're terribly disappointed. Have a good day! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,June,2004 | urlLink I'm bored. urlLink |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,June,2004 | I wonder what would happen and I just came out and said all the things that I never admit to. Just for curiousity's sake: I am afraid of life. I keep up a front of not fearing anything because I am afraid people will see me as vulnerable, and hurt me. {this hasn't worked well.} I let my parents run my life because I am afraid of what would happen if I really rebelled. I am afraid of what other people think of me. My closest friends aren't really my friends anymore, but I stick with them anyway because I'm afraid to go out on my own because other people will think I'm a loser with no friends. but I really am, so it doesn't matter. I'm afraid of admitting to who I really am. I've spent my whole life learning useless information, and in the process missed the useFUL information. I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid to show what I really feel. I can't bring myself to tell you how much I miss you, because you probably don't miss me, and it would make things awkward, and I would lose you all together. I am afraid that I think too highly of myself. I belittle other people when I say things with out thinking. I am afraid that the people this actually affects might read it, and understand what I am saying. I am afraid to go to Corcoran in July because they might tell me that I'm really not all that good, and that I should find another dream to follow. I am afraid I might end up at the end of my life without anything, or anyone to show for it. In doing this I have come to the conclusion that I am desperately afraid that everything I am is a lie. My actions, My emotions, the people I care about. What if it is all a lie? Then what do I do? Where can I find truth? Yesterday I was sorry. Today I am afraid. What day will I be finished? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,June,2004 | Sorry guys, {oops, I didn't mean that part... well I did... never mind.} I just had a really bad night last night. I got in a huge fight with my parents, among other things... I'm fine, really. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,June,2004 | I'm sorry. I'm always sorry. I'm sorry I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. {not you} I'm so sorry, I've been so lucky. {but can't you see I'm so guilty?} {I don't like half-sentences.} I'm sorry. {that works... yes, a noun and a verb.} I'm sorry I can't function on my own. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm sorry I can only deal with so much at a time, I'm sorry so much isn't very much. I'm sorry I'm an ungrateful wretch. I'm sorry I'm not hungry. I'm so very very sorry. I'm sorry I look so terrible {I've been crying again, even though I never cry.} I'm sorry I'm so self centered I'm sorry my world revolves around me . I'm sorry I can't let go of my past. I'm sorry I can't let go of the pain. I'm sorry I'm such a wimp. I'm sorry I never say the things I mean. I'm sorry my dreams cost so much. I'm sorry my dreams are so fragile. I'm sorry I'm so fragile. I'm sorry I tend to say stupid things I'm sorry I say things I don't mean. I'm sorry I say things I shouldn't I'm sorry I don't think before I speak. I'm sorry I've finally lost it completely. I'm sorry I'm falling. I'm sorry I've fallen. I'm sorry I just keep going. I can't stop. I'm so sorry. I have to stop. This is the end. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,June,2004 | They're lies ALL LIES!!! .:evil giggle:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,June,2004 | Won't you tell me what it all means? There are still questions I'm dying to ask, answers I need to hear. People make mistakes. {but I don't. I'm not people.} People should be patient. {I'm not. I'm not people.} I'm entertained at work, listening to the 'soft rock' radio station that is the... auditory concensus at the office. antagonizing love songs, and music from the 90's that remind me of middle school dances. I remember dancing once with John Chamberlain to a Backstreet Boys song, and being 'madly in love' with him for a year. Madly in love... that's what makes me laugh. I've since heard that he was suspended from O'Hara for being caught with marajuana. Surprise, Surprise. Now don't you go all druggie on me. Then a Michelle Branch song comes on. You should have heard what Bobby said earlier, without any prompting or encouragement, like he knew what he was talking about. Maybe he does. There's more to this than I'm willing/going to tell. I just think too much. In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter? That's going to be my new motto. It puts things into perspective. and my strategy for life is to live 5 minutes at a time. Ha HA! I'm positively brilliant. .:I curtsey:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,June,2004 | but that would be just too easy wouldn't it? ha ha. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,June,2004 | somehow the thought makes me feel rather ill. .:sigh:. {again} I love this song. It's about me. She says it's cold outside And she hands me my raincoat She's always worried About things like that She says it's all gonna end And it might as well Be my fault And she only sleeps When it's raining And she screams And her voice is straining She says baby It's 3 am I must be lonely When she says baby Well I can't help But be scared of it All sometimes Says the rain's Gonna wash away, I believe it She's got a little bit Of something, God it's better Than nothing And in her Color portrait world, She believes That she's got it all She swears the moon don't hang Quite as high as it used to And she only sleeps When it's raining And she screams And her voice is straining She says baby It's 3 am I must be lonely When she says baby Well I can't help But be scared of it All sometimes Says the rain's Gonna wash away, I believe it She believes that life Is made up of all That you're used to And the clock on the wall Has been stuck at three for days, And days She thinks that happiness Is a mat that sits on her doorway But outside it stopped raining She says baby It's 3 am I must be lonely When she says baby Well I can't help But be scared of it All sometimes Says the rain's Gonna wash away, I believe it Baby, it's 3 AM, and I'm lonely... (you always knew...) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,June,2004 | What if I told you... :-P |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,June,2004 | I am very tired. I need sleep. but getting sleep is not something that is bound to happen in the foreseeable future. I feel better now though. I'm going to go do laundry. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,June,2004 | So I definately had a hour long conversation about my hair with a guy I had never met before in my life. And he definately talked more than I did. His hair was blue. I kept thinking I was having another one of my psychotic dreams. and I ate more chocolate than I ever thought possible, ha ha. Just for the record... Rebecca's friends are crazy. oh wow. .:deep breath:. .:laugh:. .:sigh:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,June,2004 | I miss my Juana. So I spent three hours suspended by a rope about fifty or more feet in the air this afternoon. That was definately fun. and I grow fonder and fonder of Stephen the more I'm around him. and Alli will always be dear to my heart. She didn't even want to start the climb to the top of the towers, but I encouraged her to try, and she did the WHOLE thing. I'm SO proud of her. and Josh and I have become good friends over the past week, which I think is really cool. Cindy was my closest confidant for so long, I knew that whoever ended up being youth minister couldn't take her place. but I'm so glad we have Josh. Tomorrow will be the fifth day in a row I've seen him, lol. and I had so much fun with Tiffany and Alex, and Ali, Will, Emily, and everyone else too. It was a good couple days. P.S. I've lost more weight in the past two weeks than I have in the past three years. I'm even a little worried |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,June,2004 | mmm... sushi+friends=goooood. Bobby and I went miniature golfing last night. Good sibling bonding time. That was fun. Tonight and tomorrow I'm going to be at a leadership retreat, and tomorrow night is a benefit dinner for Ben, the little baby I was talking about who has meningitis. Please pray for him. If you need me, call my cell, and I might not answer, but I'll call you back as soon as I can. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,June,2004 | I think I'm going to overflow. I feel gross and disgusting. Its just one of those days. ew. I'm going to take five showers in a row. Then I'll be really clean. but I'll still feel gross and disgusting. {ndfrtn} yes. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,June,2004 | Someday I will visit the Chateau de Chenonceau. and I will go to Laos and Turkey. Just like I've always wanted. .:ponders:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,June,2004 | Please. Please. PLEASE tell me this week is OVER? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,June,2004 | Remind me to: buy an artist's journal copy my corcoran itinerary Call Zoe about life drawing class e-mail corcoran about scheduling an interview/portfolio review buy a copy of caucasia find my permission slip for the leadership retreat this weekend copy my car keys figure out some way to get rid of nerves Every time I think about it I get butterflies in my stomach Schedule service hours with Mary {is she back from France yet? Chouette!} arg. I should be working right now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,June,2004 | and my head hurts. and I can e-mail blogger and it posts my e-mails from work. ha ha. the wonderous-es of technology. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,June,2004 | I'm exhausted. ugh. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,June,2004 | Oh wow. Look what urlLink Adobe's done now... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,June,2004 | I need to skip ahead a chapter to see what's going to happen. Anyway: Corcoran: July 25-31 Sunday- Check in at housing at Georgetown University Meet with instructors {including Susan Walsh, president of the White House News Photographers' Association, and 1999 Pulitzer Prize Winner[!!!], Benedict Renanndez, Personal Photographer for Martin Luther King Jr., and Ken Cendro, Freelance for AP, New York Times, etc.} Monday- Meet with Photojournalism Director at Corcoran, Photo Assignment: 'The Weather Photo' {???} at The Mall. After dinner, Capitol City Boat Tour something like urlLink this I presume Tuesday- Photoshop Workshop w/ Michael Connor, Washington Times Latest Technology presentation from Mark Kettenhofer, Nikon Rep {!!!} Photo Assignment: 'Environmental Portrait' {???} Attend performance at The Kennedy Center {!!! !!! !!! !!!} Wednesday- One-on-one time with instructors Lecture by urlLink Maya Alleruzzo on covering the war in Iraq Lecture: The Photo Story Photo Assignment: Shooting in the Field Dinner at Chinatown... {yum!} Attend urlLink Mystics game Thursday-Lecture 'Covering the President of the United States' Pablo Martinez Monsivais, AP photographer, 1999 Pulitzer Prize Winner Open Lab Time Critique with Instructors {Rachel gets nervous.} Visit to the White House {security permitting OF COURSE} Friday-Lecture by Ben Fernandez information session on BFA in Photojournalism at Corcoran White Walls Gallery Exhibition {!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!! !!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} Closing Dance Saturday- Closing Ceremony check out Its called: Rachel jumps up and down because she can barely contain her excitement |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,June,2004 | Now the grocery store has orange juice with calcium PLUS Vitamin D. I think you might as well mix regular orange juice and milk together and drink it. ew. Don't they know people can DIE from too many vitamins? and our bones can only absorb so much calcium. they're going to give us all kidney stones. Its a conspiracy, so doctors make more money removing them.... AHHH! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,June,2004 | Goodbye, he said to the flower. But she made no answer. Goodbye, he said again. The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold. I have been silly, she said to him at last, I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy He was surprised by this absence of reproached. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness. Of course I love you the flower said to him. It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you- you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy Let the glass globe be. I dont want it any more. But the wind - My cold is not so bad as all that The cool night air will do me good. I am a flower. But the animals- Well I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems to me that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies- and the caterpillars- who will call upon me? You will be far awayAs for the large animals- I am not at all afraid of them. I have my claws. And, naively, she showed her four thorns. Then she added: Dont linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go! For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower. -The Little Prince Antoine de Saint Exupery |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,June,2004 | urlLink This is the Dr. Seuss tree we saw in Maryville... it tried to escape the picture. It makes me laugh. urlLink |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,June,2004 | lizzie8453 [1:13 PM]: hey fatty Soybeenchik847 [1:13 PM]: .:cry:. lizzie8453 [1:13 PM]: lol Soybeenchik847 [1:13 PM]: I'm dieting I promise lizzie8453 [1:14 PM]: omg costa rica is amazing lizzie8453 [1:14 PM]: u would like it they feed u all the time |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,June,2004 | I think perhaps I shouldn't sleep anymore. That's the only time I can't control my thoughts, and I can't deal with more dreams like that. not now. In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter? won't you tell me? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,June,2004 | I'm definately going to have to say I do love music after this past week. I was drawn to music like a moth to a flame... Pat played piano, Steven played cello, and Craig played his guitar... lol, Craig made me laugh right when I needed it. That was cool. and then when we were playing Catch Phrase, I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop... it was really kind of weird. This week was really amazing. I wish I could have been more focused on it, but it was ok. {Attention HYU attendees who have yet to do JPI: SPOILERS AHEAD!!}{Non-HYU-ers... HYU stands for Heartland Youth University, a Catholic Church camp... there are different sections, called institutes: LPM- LIturgy Prayer and Music, RDL-Relationships, Dating and Love, CLI- Christian Leadership Institute, and JPI-Justice and Peace Institute, the one I took this year.} Monday we drove up to Maryville, and walked into the Student Union, where I was immediately greeted by so many people I think I actually started jumping up and down I felt so happy. Pat caught me and told me that Brooke from St. Robert's was going to be my roommate and asked me if I would keep an eye on her. Of course I gladly agreed. We found our dorm rooms, half the girls I was supposed to watch were across the hall, and the other half were just down a flight of stairs. I roamed around campus a little bit, and then when back to the Union to hang out. I sat wit Bethany and Maria from LPM last year, then Sean came in, then we went to the opening HYU meeting. That went as normal.. blah blah blah no drugs blah blah no drinking blah blah, etc. lol. Then we divided into our groups. JPI was lead by Fr. Bob and Connie. I've known Fr. Bob for a long time, so I knew the week was going to be ok, and Connie seemed nice. We did some introductions etc... and split into small groups. Our group adult's name was Paula. I was bored, and just doodling in my notebook, and she glanced over my shoulder and commented, 'You're an artist aren't you?' {if I write this much for every day its going to take FOREVER!!} Then we did this activity where we evaluated different personal values. We picked three, and wrote about how certain ones were hard for us. I wrote: 'Loving is hard for me because loving people can lead to pain, and when I get signals of possible pain, I close up.' My other important values were Faith and Hope... at the moment I'm doubting that hope part. We also had a debate on whether the world would be better or worse off in 40 years. There were more people on the worse off side. The realization I came to: 'If you do something to make the world better for one person, then in 40 years their world will be better.' In my journal that night I wrote: 'Everytime I come to HYU, they tell me to be open... to let go... to take off the mask. Like that is what you're supposed to do. Where does it ever say that I should be open to letting myself be painfully wounded?... I can't let go this week. I can't afford to break right now. I am CLOSING when they are saying to OPEN. That doesn't work so well... ... For right now, I think I'm just going to pretend nothing is wrong.' arg, I'm tired of typing now. more later. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,June,2004 | One day I'll fly away Leave all this to yesterday Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,June,2004 | Sometimes it amazes me the way pieces fall together. or fall apart. Happy thoughts: My parents bought me a new sketchpad that is beautiful. and they planted a willow tree for me in the backyard. its even more beautiful. I got my itinerary from Corcoran today. I need somebody to talk to. but I'm going to be self sufficient. lol. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,June,2004 | I'm home now. HYU was wonderful as usual. It's always nice to go somewhere where everybody knows your name... like Cheers. and know there are people who genuinely care about you. {Mary especially. We watched the lightening last night... and talked. a lot.} Bobby's mad at me. My head feels like somebody slammed it with a sledge hammer. I know why I feel the way I do now. Several people said some amazingly nice things about me. It means so much to me that they think these things. but if I'm such an 'intellegent, articulate, beautiful, talented, sweet' person, Why don't things ever go the way they're supposed to? Sometimes it sucks to be the one people look to for everything, to be the role model, the one who knows stuff {They actually flipped a coin to see who got me on their Trivial Pursuit game.} to be the shepherdess {just for the record, I truly love my sophomores, every one of them. Its just hard worrying about them sometimes. Maybe in my next post I will give acknowledge amazing people I met this week.} Ali: 'Rachel why aren't you smiling? That's not like you.' and I really wasn't myself this week. or maybe I was myself, stripped of all my... aluminum foil? {lol, do you get it? never mind.} I'm rambling about the things that prevent me from thinking about the things I'm not thinking about. It's going to take a while for me to get this out of my system. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,June,2004 | Sorry guys, I abandoned you. I've been at church camp all this week, and I got too busy before I left to explain where I was going. but I guess the bottom line of what I need to post is that Sean and I broke up. People keep asking me if I'm ok... Yeah, sure I'm fine just like always. except when Josh asked me if I was alright I started sobbing. Yeah, sure I'm fine just like always. More than anything I just want to know what he's thinking. I feel horribly empty, and yet horribly heavy, and now, I'm still sinking farther, but now I have no air supply and I'm drowning. But everybody knows how I am with those basic human needs like that. I don't eat or sleep. Why should I need air? Why? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,June,2004 | What I wrote in my journal last night: This is one of those times that I can't let go of what's clinging to my soul, because I'm afraid if I do, all hinges will become unloosed, and I will fall to pieces all over again. {and I won't be able to pick up the pieces this time.} It has nothing to do with anyone except myself, and at the same time has everything to do with the people around me. Or the people who aren't around me. Or the people I can't tell are around me. I am terrified, horrified. I can see it coming or at least I think I can but I'm praying that its another one of my wretched nightmares The ones where everyone I love is torn from my too-tight grasp. I don't deal well with this. ...would you believe me if I said it didn't matter? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 04,June,2004 | hee hee. I got a raise! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,June,2004 | arg. {because I said so} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,June,2004 | .:sigh:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,June,2004 | Read the post before this first. If you know me at all, you probably know, I've usually got a pretty good grip on myself, my emotions, my hormones... whatever the hell you want to call it. Tonight I definately didn't and that's not cool. After I posted earlier, I went and cried myself to sleep, woke up twenty minutes later from a nightmare which made things that much worse. Talked to Juana for a while, which made me feel better for a while, then not so much. I worry about other people too much sometimes. Then my parents came home, and my mom merely mentioned the fact that I forgot to clean the kitchen like I told her I would, and I pretty much melted into a puddle. I need a hug. I HATE this. I'm not going to sleep tonight... I don't think I can deal with any more nightmares. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,June,2004 | I'm going to have to say that was the crappiest day I've had in a long, long time. I was nearly smashed SEVERAL times today by various semi-trucks and minivans. I was yelled at by my doctor because I haven't been taking my meds... My drawing teacher kept yelling at me {well she doesn't yell, she's very quiet, but she Scolded me.} about cutting AWAY from my art. Work was not fun. Then I came home, my family ate dinner without me. again. I found out I'd overdrawn on my bank account again, when I was convinced I was finally learning how to keep up with it, and then I found out that one of the babies that I babysit is so close to dieing. He had meningitis or something, and was in the hospital for a while, but they finally sent him home, and over the weekend he had a stroke. He's only like 9 months old. Even if he does live, he might not be able to walk, and he might be blind. I'm so scared for him and his family. Please pray for him. Pray for a miracle. I think I'm going to cry. I feel terrible. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,July,2004 | tonight our work is going to be displayed in the white walls gallery at Corcoran, and we're going to have a dj and stuff. This'll be fun. I'm ready to go home, and be home, and see people... etc. I'm not ready to go home and go back to work, or have my mom yelling at me every waking moment of the day. .:sigh:. Susan said I did a good job. She likes me. .:contentment:. there goes that part of it... I haven't become attached to these kids like I do at HYU. So I don't think there are any people I will miss... I think I'll just miss the environment... being surrounded by art, and people who know art. And being co-ed. That's still so weird to me. I'll be so focused on what we're learning, and then I'll be like, 'Oh wow, there are GUYS here.' its weird. I'm sleepy. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,July,2004 | I really need a brick wall to beat my head against. I'm so frustrated with so many aspects of my life, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it myself, which makes it worse. I want to scream I'm horribly restless, sick to my stomach WHY CAN'T I DO THIS? I'm going crazy {and its all your fault.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,July,2004 | Last night, I was sitting in my dorm room reading, and I heard my roommate out in the hall talking on her cell phone, pacing back and forth. She sounded desperate, almost panic stricken. She had lost the concentration to cover up the southern accent she's been hiding all week. She stood out in the hall talking for a while, then she came into the room, and walked into the bathroom, and shut the door. The walls of the bathroom are very thin. I could hear every word she said, even though I tried not to listen... 'How could you let me tell you I loved you all this time when You KNEW you didn't feel that way? You were just using me so you could make yourself feel good. Well, I can't do that for you'... she was quiet for a while, then I heard a choked sob, 'Well, you know what, fuck you Abe... Fuck you for using me like that, Fuck you for wasting my time on something that was never there...' After a while, I heard her hang up her phone, and listened to her choked sobs for a while. She and I have not gotten along too terribly well this week. We just aren't compatible I guess. But I went to the door, and said {I hoped gently} 'Charlotte, are you alright?' {I thought, that was a stupid question of course she's not alright.} She snapped back, 'Yes, I'm fine.' 'If you need anything, let me know, ok?' 'Yeah, sure' she said, before I had even finished. Later apparently Abe called her back, because I heard her crying hysterically again, saying, 'I'm so angry right now, I can't talk to you. I would never say anything like that to you. Don't you love me?' I had a horrible urge to go in and slap her, tell her to suck it up. Don't let him know what he's done to you I didn't, of course. I've decided that relationships are a bad idea. Someone always gets hurt, unbearably hurt. Why chance causing or bearing such pain? {again.} What is the worth of a broken heart? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,July,2004 | Why is everyone so sad? Why can't we all be wonderfully happy? it would be so much easier. I kind of want to curl up in a corner and cry for a while. but I won't, because that would be a bad thing. a bad bad thing. I've convinced myself that even if I could bring myself to tell you, you wouldn't {don't} care, and it wouldn't make a difference. I hate being slapped in the face with my loserdom... lol. I'm incredibly cold right now. Today Mark Kettenhoffer from Nikon is coming to tell us all about the spiffy new stuff Nikon's coming out with. I like Nikon. It makes me happy. See? I'm happy. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,July,2004 | I LOVE it! but now I have a photoshop workshop, I'll ttyl. I'm back. Last night we went on a boat down the potomac river, while it was raining. We went with the other Corcoran group that's here, and I was offered a chair at a table full of guys from the other program. We had SO much fun... We had contests to see who could hold their breath the longest. I started laughing almost immediately every time, it was terrible. Tonight we're going to a show at the Kennedy Center... YAY! I am on a first-name basis with a pulitzer prize winning photographer. I told you I'm lucky. {oh, and sorry I didn't answer the phone when you guys called last night, for some reason my phone didn't ring. I looked at my phone around 3:30, and I had like 10 missed calls, and I felt really bad, because I wanted to talk to you guys... and it was too late to call you back.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,July,2004 | Here I am, at the Georgetown campus of the Corcoran College of Art+Design. Jesus Christ, I'm never nervous, what's the matter with me? I love Georgetown though, its beautiful. I keep looking around thinking, 'I could be living here next year. This could be my home, this could be where I belong.' and then I think, 'but what if its not?' Last night we went to the World War II memorial, I was just in awe of how much those people gave up for us. My eyes filled with tears when I saw a framed photo wrapped in plastic wrap placed at the base of one of the pillars. There was a face put to all the monument stands for. There aren't very many kids here... 39 I think she said. tomorrow I have my first college interview with the admissions office. .:smothers a terrified scream:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,July,2004 | I should not be allowed to wear heels ever again. Ive almost killed myself twice today. The first time was while I was getting lunch at Mr. Goodcents. I was walking into the building, and I stepped so that my heel was exactly where a giant hole in the sidewalk was. I continued to walk, but my shoe did not. I managed to stay upright, but not without much waving of arms, and grabbing onto complete strangers to balance myself. Im so incredibly talented. Once again, I wish I were just a little less clumsy. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,July,2004 | I jinxed me. I'm out of things to say... well... I'm out of sayable things to say. wait... look! I can make my text BLUE! This makes me happy. :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,July,2004 | So I was thinking, after what I posted earlier about saying more than you should, about how much I've posted here in the past year and a half, Blogger says its about 66,000 words. That's a lot. When am I going to be done saying all that I have to say? maybe I HAVE already said too much, and I should just stop blogging. just stop blogging stop blogging I WON'T DO IT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! anyway... lol. I do need to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes, and just listen. I'm listening. Talk to me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,July,2004 | This is where I will be next week: |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,July,2004 | What do you say when you’ve already said more than you ever should have in the first place? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,July,2004 | I can't see! Somebody light a candle! Bobby is listening to Lost Prophets... 'I wonder if you're listening Picking up on the signals Sent back from within Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here' that's his favorite song. I'm too afraid to look, too afraid that I won't find what I'm looking for I'm too afraid to ask, too afraid the answers won't be the ones I need. and yet I'm fearless. {an infinate contradiction... that's why I don't know who I am} I'm exhausted. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,July,2004 | I think I'll go insane. I'm still awake. WHY? WHY CAN'T I SLEEP? {I know why...} I'm telling you, my ceiling is much too entertaining to stare at, especially when I can't see it because its dark. I tried watching Venus rise, but now she's past my window. and a storm blew past a couple of hours ago. I'm still awake. .:sigh:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,July,2004 | Don't be ridiculous. Bobby is taller than I am now. It makes me feel 1.) short, and 2.) old. How can I be old enough to have a younger brother who is taller than I am? .:sigh:. He and I have been getting along so much better lately though. Its incredibly nice. I can tell he looks up to me because he always has something to show me. Always. He makes me laugh. {not that that is a hard thing to do...} He's even kind of started being protective of me. That makes me laugh too. My little brother, my adorable little brother worries about me. :-) |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2004 | hmmm... This could be a new way to let you into Rachel's head. Completely random, again. --Edit-- I decided that if I added two more songs, there would be 40, and I could make it a top forty list. now, what top fourty this is, I have no idea. I think they're just songs that make me think of something. They all have connections to random things that I don't think anyone could possibly know unless they lived in my brain, which would be weird... and they're in no particular order. Audiovent-- When the Rain The Postal Service-- The District Sleeps Alone Tonight {D.C. Sleeps} Taking Back Sunday-- This Photograph is Proof {I Know You Know} John Mayer-- 3x5's Saint-Saens-- Danse Macabre Saves the Day-- See You Britney Spears-- Every Time All American Rejects-- Swing, Swing Evanescence-- Whisper Lucky 7-- California Girl Fastball-- She's So High Avril Lavigne-- My Happy Ending Jet-- Are You Gonna Be My Girl Fountains of Wayne-- Mexican Wine American Hi-Fi-- Flavor of the Week Muse-- Time is Running Out Diversion 4.0-- Let's Just be Friends The Beatles-- She loves you Yeah Yeah Yeahs-- Date with the Night Incubus-- Stellar Lost Prophets-- I Don't Know Radiohead-- There, There Ok Go-- You're So Damn Hot Linkin Park-- Breaking the Habit Jewel-- Meant for Me Sugarcult-- Pretty Girl --Memory --Saying Goodbye Pearl Jam-- Alive Ricky Votolato--Suicide Medicine Jimmy Eat World-- Praise Chorus --My Sundown Everclear-- The Acid Summer Something Corporate-- Konstantine Black Crowes-- She Talks to Angels The Cure-- The End of the World Story of the Year-- Anthem of Our Dying Day Matchbox Twenty-- Busted -- 3 am Bush-- Glycerine what do you think? hmmm? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2004 | oh, yes. I forgot, 'We're human BEINGS not human DOINGS!!' ha ha! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2004 | I'm home now. I wrote this in the hospital: 'My hatred for hospitals is only being reenforced, but I'd rather be here, than back in the hospitals where my mom and dad had their surgeries. My grandpa has changed so much since my mom was young. They used to not get along very well, but now he grasps her hand, his thumb crossed over hers, and puts her hand to his lips. He is glad we are here. He is not alone. In the waiting room, there is a dry erase board, and scribbled along to bottom of it, it says, 'May God be with you and your family.' It is comforting to think that someone has thought of me, even if in such a general manner. There is a man sitting across the room, who has the desensitized look of someone who has been here for a long time, yet his jet black suit is still impeccably pressed, and his pink tie still snug around his neck. I entertain myself by imagining his life story.' hmmm... I have so much to do before I leave on Saturday. My horoscope for today: 'That certain person you've been dreaming about? The one who's just confident enough to actually keep you interested? The feelings are mutual. Be the first to mention them.' wow... can I take a rain check on that one? nothing's changed. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,July,2004 | A fellow blogger from Texas sent me an e-mail this morning saying that maybe I could write a book the same way I write here, and get it published. I'd never thought of that before. That could be intriguing. I don't think I have to patience to write a whole book though. We'll see. He also said that I sound like I'm searching for something, 'perhaps yourself.' and I am. I know I am. But at the same time I KNOW who I am. I know the things I love, I know my opinions, my thought process... I don't get it. I'm off to St. Louis. Pray for my grandpa, pray for me. and call me too, if you want. Distract me from the horrors of the hospital. {that means you, Juana!} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,July,2004 | sweet, blogger redid everything again. I got a new template. It kind of matches the mood I've been in lately. In ways too complex for me to possibly explain to you, its just something about the gaudy fakeness of the color pink... It won't stay long, I promise... I had another dr.'s appointment today. It was interesting. She had problems finding my heartbeat too. lol, I don't have a heart! I found it kind of entertaining when she went through the list of questions she's supposed to ask me, and just made assumptions, 'You don't drink alcohol, you don't smoke, you don't do drugs, you aren't sexually active... etc.' I didn't get a chance to defend my morals! or I could have turned into a party machine since last year, and she would never know, haha. {I haven't.} She commented on how much I've changed since middle school, which is true. I had braces from 3rd grade through 8th grade. No wonder I was such a loser. Then they did some tests on my blood, and it turns out I might have something called HSP or something. I'm going to die... just kidding. a week and a day... then everything will be absolutely perfect again. I will adopt my new life, meet the people with whom I hope to be spending the next significant chunk of my life with, the people who I may find my niche with, the people with whom I will finally figure out how the hell my life is going to end up. I'm nervous. but anxious too. Sama's out of town, Chantele's leaving tomorrow for a week, I'm leaving for St. Louis for the weekend, even though I still don't want to go. I don't think I have the strength to deal with all that right now. I'll just live in my book all weekend. Or you could call me and keep me sane... but that would be asking too much wouldn't it? And I'm even missing Alli's birthday party tomorrow night... at Lunar Bowl no less. But I'm going to go to St. Louis, in case my grandpa DIES. I sound like a horrible person, and I am. But I'm not as unfeeling towards my grandpa as I sound. I'm really worried about him, but I'm trying not to think about it, and I'm counting on the fact that he's going to be fine, in which case this weekend will be a complete waste of my time, and I will be missing my last weekend before I leave, {I know its only a week, but you never know, I might just decide to stay there.} and I will have to sit there, in a hospital the reasons for which I despise it, I have already discussed {that didn't make sense... but you get the point.} and be with all my aunts, most of whom like to pretend I'm still 8 years old, and cover my ears before saying something they probaby shouldn't. {Arrrrggrrrrrah!!} .:sigh:. and there's even more I COULD on and on about, but I won't, because its already bad enough as it is. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,July,2004 | .:sigh:. I'm bored of this already. oh well. St. Robert's kids make me laugh. One of the middle schoolers suggested something that scared me just a little bit though... eek! Alli and I had a dance party after we got eliminated from musical chairs. Reba says I'm being stupid. lol. She's probably right. She likes to tell me what she would do if she had my life. I'm glad she doesn't have my life. I need to stop hanging out with her. I think she's a bad influence. oh well. She makes me laugh. |
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