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1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,February,2004 | I would have blogged last night, but my computer was temporarily incapacitated, as I was installing my new {yummy} 120gig hard drive. So I wrote in my notebook: {I can't do that too often or else I'll stop writing here! oh no!} I think the main problem in my life is that the main characters are you and I, and I cannot decide who you, or I are {am}. It is from this problem that all others stem. I didn't tell you the whole truth, but I didn't lie either. and I still don't believe you. {stick around nostalgia won't let you dow-own.} Richie, the boy at Rockhurst that everybody knew, was stabbed to death. It was terrible, and everyone was upset. I wonder if anyone would care at all if I died. Beside my parents. {My mom cried the other day when I suggested that I would die before her. That means I can't} I really wish I could die, just to see what other people really think of me. But I could never self-induce it. I'm too afraid. Maybe I might go to hell. No one would understand why I did it anyway. Even in all my wrtitings, I can't explain to you what it is that is the matter with me. I am 'psycho-depressed' {so diagnosed by someone who would know} and I suspect I am bi-polar and a little schitzophrenic as well. But its not like I know anything about mental illnesses. Maybe I'll get help eventually. But I don't want to be another american kid hopped up on a bunch of anti-depressant drugs {just what they try and keep us 'off the streets' to avoid} My greatest desire is the very thing that I most fear and abhor... 'You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss'. Your romance is Casablanca. A classic story of love in trying times, chock full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously believe in true love, but you're also constantly aware of practicality and societal expectations. That's not always fun, but at least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis get you down too much. urlLink What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla . |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,February,2004 | I'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears and if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you'd cried I'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me you used to captivate me by your resonating light but now I'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you'd cried I'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and I've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but though you're still with me I've been alone all along when you'd cried I'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and I've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me me, me..... I don't know why it is that these songs insist on getting stuck in my thoughts. It isn't as if I wanted to hear them in the first place. They only remind me of things in the past that I try so hard to forget. I know that the past has past, and that it will not, nor would I want it to come back, but still things that are long past linger here in the forefront of my mind. Things that I have long forgiven cause new sickening pains in my stomach, and the things which caused me once to be happy cause even deeper sickening pains in my stomach. Last night I went ice skating... I love my beautiful white skates, they make me feel like I know what I'm doing. after making sure Chantele would be alright I went around a few times by myself. The grooves in the ice are mesmerizing. Chantele found someone else {a boy of course} to keep her company, and I was completely on my own. I watched the couples on their day-late valentines date, showing off, laughing, holding hands. I was jealous. My hatred for Kansas City came back to me as I went... There is no room left for any part of me here anymore. I can't wait to leave. another idea struck me. What if I looked up, and you were there. you wouldn't be there of course. I haven't become quite that unlucky, but what if... what would happen. perhaps I would become part of the ice itself, or it would melt away beneath me... or maybe I would just raise an eyebrow, and give you half a smile then turn away... the way things would always have been before. or maybe you would kill me. I wouldn't be suprised... nor would I blame you. Yes, I probably deserve to live... and I would... but you'd kill me again all the same. as I skated, my skates began cutting into my ankles, I had laced them too tight. I kept skating... {what was that? masochist? no, I didn't lace them too tight on purpose.} finally the laces became too loose at the toe, and still too tight around the ankle, so I decided to relace them. I had been stupid and not brought gloves. It was very cold, and my hands were numb. I couldn't feel my fingertips, and I clumsily fumbled with the knots. One of the guys there offered to help me. I looked up at him and laughed. 'No, its alright, I'm very self-sufficient.' There was a certain tone of irony in my voice; he gave me an odd look and turned away. I undid the knots. My ankles were bleeding rather badly. I relaced my beautiful white skates, and began going around again. Thats when I realized that I was alone. Its come to one of those points where I'm rambling again. I haven't really done that in a long time. I learned where to stop myself... see I'm reverting to old habits again. I think perhaps I just want someone to love me, without making me love them. I think I really am selfish. oh well. It doesn't matter. {isn't it ironic how I say that over and over again? what does it mean? we all know it means exactly the opposite.} It does matter. {no, that hurts much too much.} It doesn't. It doesn't I don't care at all. please, please just go away and let me be alone. besides, I'd only lie to you, and myself, or give you one of my sardonic half-smiles, raise an eyebrow, and turn away. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,February,2004 | I have finally come to accept the fact that I am totally and completely, truly alone on the face of this desolate planet. I have realized that the people I had counted on trusting for the rest of my life are no longer the people that I had trusted. one has grown tired of me, and the other drags me along with her as company, then abandons me knowing that it isn't a good night for that. Yet another only considers me a cure for boredom, and another hates me... my own doing {intentionally}. With these realizations comes the idea that none of what I supposedly had with these people before was really there, and thus the past three years of my life have been a lie. and I never bothered getting close enough to anyone else for them to care . So I am officially a loner... entirely of my own fault , and yet not at all of my own will . Oh well, I'll be alright , I always am. I'm reverting to old middle school habits I thought I had broken. I haven't read this much since seventh grade. I'll throw myself into my work... pay off my new camera...{maybe, this isn't final yet.} I'll have straight A's this semester. {ok, maybe not, but hey, its an idea.} and it won't matter because I'm self-sufficient. I don't need anyone. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,February,2004 | only a dream. something terrible happened today... I'll elaborate tomorrow. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,February,2004 | Today, I am stuck on the songs that mean something to me. Or did at one point in time. They make me rather sad. but I was right when I said I can't do this anymore. I can barely stand to live anymore. I've given up on you, both of you. {too late, you gave up on me a long time ago.} move on move on it doesn't matter. 166 days till I leave for Washington. urlLink corcoran {see young people's programs, then Focus on Photojournalism.} I need to leave for church in about twenty minutes. I feel beautiful today. Its ok, I'm going to be ok, the world is ok. today, I really don't need you. really. I am moving on. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,February,2004 | Kate told me I was an emo kid when she read this in my planner: in need of consolation I look to my new ruby sneakers {is there anywhere else but home?} the gaiety of the eyeball white laces makes me want to wretch and the redness reminds me of your blood, fresh from your throat, which I slit. They cancelled my darkroom classes. I had been clinging to the fact that I would be having darkroom classes this morning for the past three terrible weeks. and they cancelled them. I know some people would think it was funny. {oh Rachel, you're so obsessed, its just a couple classes, ha ha ha ha .:mocking me:.} but its not. its not. what the hell am I going to do now? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,February,2004 | Right now, if I had no God, I think I would be dead. Revive my heart ... renew my soul ... In You, O Lord I am made whole. No more in fear will I wander, 'Cause you're my God, my Lord and Lover. Like a burning fire, be my one desire. I wanna be holy just like you. I wanna go where you lead me to. With reckless abandon to your truth, I wanna fall deeper in love with you. O lift me up God my father; in all this world there is no other. I'm dancin' in your holy presence. Your glory fills all my senses. Like a burning fire, be my one desire. I wanna be holy just like you. I wanna go where you lead me to. With reckless abandon to your truth, I wanna fall deeper in love with you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,February,2004 | that which is unrequited is not love. {I don't think} and you won't even think of me. all I want is for you to care. All I want is for anyone to care. All I want... what do I really want? to be happy? to be at peace? I don't really know any more. maybe I just want to be dead. I want you to care. and you know... hate is not the opposite of love. Hate means you have feelings toward someone. complete indifference is the opposite of love. I've been permanently frozen, goodnight, my love. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,February,2004 | Today: I am feeling anti-blogging. I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of you... {every song reminds me of someone...} I auditioned for a comedy at Rockhurst, and made callbacks. Yay for me. I met some interesting people there too. It took my mind off everything else for a while. It was nice. goodnight, my love. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,February,2004 | Remind me to write about the beautiful old woman I met yesterday. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,February,2004 | Au Revoir |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,February,2004 | I can't say anything. I can't let go, or else I'll break into a million pieces, and I can't do that right now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,February,2004 | did you know that the snow is blue at midnight? People don't know how I see a darkness that is never there, and hear voices. but these voices are real, they are echoes of what I've already heard. If I went... they'd stop. go ahead, psychoanylize me. God help me. Angels watch over me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 06,February,2004 | well... Why don't things just fall into place for me like they used to? Perhaps my luck has run out. Now What am I going to do???? Lets go Back- Back to the Beginning... Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all alligned Cuz Perfect didn't feel so pefect... Tryin' to fit a square into a circle was no life i defined... Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams let it wash away my sanity Cuz i wanna feel the thunder i wanna scream let the rain fall down im coming clean, im coming clean...ohh Im shedding-shedding every color trying to find a pigment of truth beneath my skin-ohh oh Cuz different doesn't feel so different... goin out is better then always stayin in Feel the wind... Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams let it wash away my sanity Cuz i wanna feel the thunder i wanna scream let the rain fall down im coming clean, im coming clean Im coming clean. heyay. Let the rain fall. Let the rain fall. Im coming.... Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams let it wash away my sanity Cuz i wanna feel the thunder i wanna scream let the rain fall down im coming clean, oh im coming clean oh im coming clean let the rain fall let the rain fall let the rain fall im coming clean Lets go Back- Back to the Beginning... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,February,2004 | I remember the day I died. Not died like 'the end' or more so than a doornail, but like death to become a new life. Like Jesus, though I would never presume to make my resurrection the salvation of the world. The Fates have cut my thread in several places, only to spin the shards of wool into a single yarn again. Thus I have lived many lives, some of which are not mine to live. The voice ... a paradox {or a lie} in of itself, had become my comfort food, and I yearned for it. It was a comfort food like the most searingly hot mexican chile. That was why... Because we had no truth, Everything we were to each other was a lie, and I hate{ed} lies. {don't lie to me.} You love someone for the little things you know. But the silence grows between us like an irridescent bubble. When it pops, all that will be left will be space, and silence. 'In their jars the snail-nosed babies moon and glow. He hands her the cut-out heart like a cracked heirloom.' ~Two Views of a Cadaver Room, Sylvia Plath. 'What I want back is what I was Before the bed, before the knife, Before the brooch-pin and the salve Fixed me in this parenthesis; Horses fluent in the wind, a place, a time gone out of mind.' ~ The Eye-mote, Sylvia Plath {from: The Colossus and other poems.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 04,February,2004 | all I want is to be happy {I've said that before... I was, before.} Why can't I be happy. I care so much about people. I love people with all I have to love with. {stupid idiot} Why don't you love me? Where are you? Why aren't you here? I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. It doesn't matter. {I sleep better that way anyway.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,February,2004 | Last notes before the lady recedes to her chamber for the night: I will turn eighteen approximately ten days after the presidential elections this year, and that upsets me, because I do care. Though I have problems with the whole voting for your conscience vs. voting to make an impact thing.... Tomorrow I am going to UMKC to see the metamorphosis with my Latin class. Having memories isn't such a good thing. I came across a few old e-mails earlier and they made me cry. It's funny how I always end up wanting what I can't have. I wish I weren't so superficial. Son couer est un luth suspendu, Sitot qu'on le touche il resonne. I feel kind of lost. and I need somebody to find me. {what am I saying? I don't need anyone.} {funny the cards life deals you.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,February,2004 | wow, I have had the weirdest dreams lately. I just fell asleep for a few hours and had a dream I had been invited to be in a secret society, but I had missed the first meeting so I didn't know any of the little rituals. It was bizarre. I had a dream a couple of days ago that the librarian at school was my nanny, and bought me all kinds of weird books for christmas. and there have been lots of other weird dreams too. I just wish I could sleep a good, deep sleep so I'd feel a little better in the morning. {yay for the little blue pill} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,February,2004 | l(a le af fa ll s) one l iness the wind is a Lady with bright slender eyes(who moves at sunset and who--touches--the hills without any reason (I have spoken with this indubitable and green person 'Are You the wind?' 'Yes' 'why do you though flowers as if they were unalive,as if They were ideas?' 'because,sir thinggs which in my mind blossom will stumble beneath a clumsiest disguise,appear capable of fragility and indecision --do not suppose these without any reason and otherwise roses and mountains different from the i am who wanders imminently across the renewed world' to me said the)wind being A lady in a green dress,who;touches:the fields (at sunset) e.e.cummings |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,February,2004 | If some day I am forced {reduced} to become an algebra teacher, I will entertain myself by writing pulitzer prize winning word problems with characters with names like Ophelia and Balthazar. And we read this today, in Latin... I will post the other things we read in Latin, and the e.e. cummings poems I read at two in the morning when I get home. from Aglaura. SONG. WHY so pale and wan, fond lover ? Prithee, why so pale ? Will, when looking well can't move her, Looking ill prevail ? Prithee, why so pale ? Why so dull and mute, young sinner ? Prithee, why so mute ? Will, when speaking well can't win her, Saying nothing do 't ? Prithee, why so mute ? Quit, quit, for shame, this will not move : This cannot take her. If of herself she will not love, Nothing can make her : The devil take her ! ~Sir John Suckling. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,February,2004 | So guys, if, IF we do not have school tomorrow, Please do not deign it neccessary to call me and tell me we don't have school. I will know. Though it did make me feel rather loved last week when you did... ha ha. Call me later, for instance, call me after 9:30 or so, because I will be up, and I will be bored by then. Ok? Great. .:something annoyingly affectionate that makes me sound like the teenage girl that I am such as *kisses!* or *luv ya!*:. P.S. All I'm really asking is that you love me to pieces, its not hard, lots of people do... though it does get a little tiring after a while, when I have to keep picking up my pieces and moving on... ha ha. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,February,2004 | All I can say is that my life is pretty plain I like watchin' the puddles gather rain And all I can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view But it's not sane, It's not sane I just want some one to say to me I'll always be there when you wake Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today So stay with me and I'll have it made And I don't understand why I sleep all day And I start to complain that there's no rain And all I can do is read a book to stay awake And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape escape...escape...escape... All I can say is that my life is pretty plain ya don't like my point of view ya think I'm insane Its not sane...it's not sane |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 31,March,2004 | So, on suggestion of Brittany Cummings, I looked up Ricky Votolato on the internet. This is what I found: the days behind you are haunting / the ones your living in now / the ghost of your past carries / the weight of your name / where would you be who are you / without the scaring and the heals that stepped on you / that you cling to with all of your strength / let go - freefall - it's scary I know to forgive all of the devils / let go - i'll catch you / It's scary I know to understand what must be done 58 guthrie street / an old postcard you sent / to help close up wounds that I love to reopen / quarters in the tequila / on the streets of houston / you can keep on drinking / but never drown out where you've been / let go - freefall - it's scary I know to forgive all of the devils / let go - i'll catch you / It's scary I know to understand what must be done there is a statesman servant beneath / the thick skin of remembering / armor for protection / let go - freefall - it's scary I know to forgive all of the devils / let go - i'll catch you / It's scary I know to understand what must be done Tonight I went to reconciliation... That's one of the things I love about Catholicism that a lot of people hate. For me, it's something more than just being forgiven. Its a reassurance that I'm loved. Sure, I can lie awake in bed every night and say, 'Oh God, I'm sorry. Please help me be better. Please help me be patient, please help me not to judge, please help me understand that other people hurt as much as I do. Help me heal other's wounds instead of cause them. I'm sorry, please forgive me. Help me not to do it again.' But as much as I say those things, and as much as I know that God hears me and does help me, it feels wonderful to hear a person I know is of God say those words of absolution. It makes it official somehow, and I feel renewed in God's love for me. { loving and forgiving are you, oh Lord, loving and forgiving are you } and so every night, I fall asleep wrapped in arms of love. Whose arms they are, I'm not sure, but they consist of love, and love is always of God. So its ok. Love is of God, so its ok. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,March,2004 | 'Mortal though I be, yea, ephemeral, if but a moment I gaze up at night's starry domain of heaven, then no longer on earth I stand: I touch the Creator and my lively spirit drinketh immortality.' ~Ptolemy |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,March,2004 | weird quirky things about me that make me weird and quirky: 1. I am seventeen years old and I am terrified of the dark... or being alone in the dark I guess... or maybe NOT being alone in the dark. 2. When I have kids I am going to name them cool names like Artaxias or Atreyu, and Saloriana 3. I listen to dashboard confessional-esque emo music and it actually makes me cry. 4. Most of the time, the majority of the people have no idea what I am thinking or feeling. I wear many masks {wahaahaahahaha} 5. I was incredibly excited the other day when I found out that private school kids can get into the lyric opera for free. 6. I go to a private school, and I like it... well, more than I would any other school. 7. I read a lot. mostly Margaret Atwood, because I'm obsessed, but I read other things too. 8. my friends/boyfriend... enough said. they convey enough weird and quirkinesses to me in the space of one day to complete an entire list. 9. my favorite soda is diet mountain dew. 10. I am a vegetarian... and really for no good reason now too. Though I still really like cows. they're cute. P.S. I love you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,March,2004 | I love the sound of laughter. It is fullbodied {like hair, or wine.} and it makes me smile. I got the April National Geographic today. I find it interesting how open some of the people at school have become about their sexuality. For some people I know its a personal thing, like Jessie and Camille. I really do think they are adorable together. but for other people it seems to have become a social thing... hey lets be bi, because we can, why should we be limited to a specific sex? I'm not judging anyone based on this, but it bothers me that sex/sexuality has been made into such a casual thing by some people. Lately, I've been a terrible person. Just because I have an excuse doesn't mean I should. Somethings are lovely though. They make me happy. I think I'll go curl up in bed for a while. I feel the consistancy of sleep fill my my veins and seep into my limbs like the sand used to hold back oncoming floods. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,March,2004 | 3.somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near; your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose; or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines the snow carefully everywhere descending; nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility: whose texture compels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing; (i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens; only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands. e.e. cummings its beautiful isn't it? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,March,2004 | I'm watching the MTV special on gay marriages in America and attitudes toward homosexuality, and being infuriated, I would like to state my opinion. I am Catholic. Within the Catholic church, gay couples cannot be married, and I believe one of the main reasons is because part of the expectations of a Catholic couple is to have children, and obviously a homosexual couple cannot do that... {yes I know, they can adopt, but it isn't quite the same. Just go with me here. and I'm sure there are other reasons as well, I just haven't had a chance to look them up} and pre-marital sex is considered a sin, so homosexuals cannot practice their sexual orientation with in the Catholic faith, but they will always be welcome within the Church. These people are often encouraged to consider a religious vocation I support these ideas. BUT for homosexuals who are not Catholic, I do not think that the government has any right to make moral decisions like that. These people love each other and have every right to be able to make a permanent commitment to each other.. One statement the show made said that if the President makes this proposed ammendment to the constitution it will be the first ammendment to ban a group of people from something, and what kind of prescedent would that be? I think it is just as ridiculous for the government to discriminate against gay people as it is for them to discriminate again people because of the color of their skin. I also think it is ridiculous when I hear stories about gay couples who have been together for twenty years, but when one gets sick, their partner can't go into the hospital room to see them, or couples that can't share their health plans because they aren't legally married. It also infuriates me when I see people protesting gay marriages saying things like 'God hates Fags.' I think that is horrible, unchristian behavior. Biblical support for this statement comes from the old testament, which although inspired by God, was written to conform to the societal norms of people THREE THOUSAND YEARS AGO! God LOVES everyone, no matter who they are or what their sexual orientation. And if two women or two men love each other, I believe that that love is of God, and they should be allowed to be together. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,March,2004 | I have become such an MTV junky lately, I'm not kidding. What's the matter with me? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,March,2004 | The note Meghan left me earlier: meggieos (5:26:27 PM): rachel is beautiful Auto response from Soybeenchik847 (5:26:27 PM): safely hidden away in the darkness of my lair... {darkness, lair, me... ha ha, get it? its my darkroom!!} meggieos (5:26:34 PM): hi sweet thing meggieos (5:26:42 PM): i wish i had a darkroom meggieos (5:26:45 PM): :-) meggieos (5:26:50 PM): i heart you rachel! meggieos (5:26:53 PM): --meghan Sean's off to priest camp this weekend. I'm a little scared. I told him if he decides to join the seminary, just not to tell me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,March,2004 | this is right. finally. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,March,2004 | Let's see... what brilliant pearls of wisdom shall fall out of my head today? oh, Brittany Cummings, our new Academy Woman today said: 'If I could live a day, I would love you forever.' I love her dearly. to see what else I have said about her see: october 21.. i think, and march 27. she's adorable, and she makes everyone love her. I really wish I were like that. I'm pretty sure there are more people who hate me than love me. but I had a lot of compliments today, Mrs. Rowland said I was really sweet, and when I went to pick up Bobby from school today, my kindergarten teacher said, 'Look at that beautiful girl... Your mom told us you were going to save the world... or at least photograph it.' That made me smile. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,March,2004 | urlLink this is terrible |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,March,2004 | I had forgotten why I love photography... but today, was even worse than the past couple of days which have been terrible. {excluding a certain twenty minutes monday night... :-D} Then I went for an hour to shoot my photography job, and now I feel wonderful, and I'm in the best mood. I'm kinda sleepy though. .:sigh:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,March,2004 | 'I want out!' she screamed, her voice gravely and grated like a sheet of metal with holes in it, or like a spoon scraping brownie batter from the side of a bowl. I doubt too much. I stand reassured, but I doubt too much. But don't make me confess it. I think too much, too. and I wonder what I would give, just to have a new life. would I give up all this? history says I wouldn't. ha ha. sometimes things just really don't make sense. I know this isn't quite true, but you know sometimes, it feels like it: She thinks about herself and cares about nobody else because the only friends she has all put her down They hate her when she's beautiful and even more when she's a fool They talk behind her back when it's her birthday every time they put her down, she makes a fist and the tears roll down She packs her bags and plans to run away And every time she makes a friend, the vicious cycle starts again She's never, ever, ever looking back She's saying goodbye and leaving tonight She's wasted all her lonely tear drops She's saying goodbye and leaving tonight She's used up all her lonely tear drops now She's saying goodbye, she's wasted all her lonely tear drops Saying goodbye, she's used up all her lonely tear drops now every time they put her down, she makes a fist and the tears roll down She packs her bags and plans to run away from here And everytime she makes a friend, the vicious cycle starts again She's never, ever, ever looking back She's saying goodbye and leaving tonight She's wasted all her lonely tear drops She's saying goodbye and leaving tonight She's used up all her lonely tear drops now She's wasted all her lonely tear drops now and I won't be able to make anyone understand this... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,March,2004 | what was it she called it? ...oh yes, a sinking ship... going down with... and something about tattered textiles taken by the wind. nec meum respectet, ut ante, amorem, qui illius culpa cecidit velut prati ultimi flos praetereunte postquam tactus aratro est. -Catullus 'Oh Jimmy, you would like it better maybe if we all starved to death?' said Oryx, with her small rippling laugh he feared most from her, because it disguised amused contempt. It chilled him: a cold breeze on a moonlit lake.' -Margaret Atwood, Oryx and Crake. 'She knows what she wants: an event, by which she means a slip of the knife, a dropped wineglass or bomb, something broken. A little acid, a little gossip, a little hi-tech megadeath: a sharp thing that will wake her up. Run a tank over the geraniums, turn the wind up to hurricane so the daisies' heads tear off and hurtle through the air like bullets, drop the baby from the balcony and watch the mother swan-dive after him, with her snarled Ophelia hair and addled screams.' -Margaret Atwood, {Again} Bad News. Oh God, how I need you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,March,2004 | this ghost of a monster consumses my thoughts as if they are of little sustinance, and it is unsatiable. I'm confined much too much with my thoughts, they drag me along behind them, down the dirt road deaf to my screams for mercy. I'm so tired of being here, supressed by all my childish fears. Perfection is not the object. {but you wanted {it}{you} to be. } where are you? and I'm so sorry I think I'll sit in my corner, and watch. Back off, back off. Some how I always manage to get myself in trouble. I'm in no mood for complicities at the moment. I need things to be simple, black and white. and I know, I don't want to know... Yeah I guess I know, I just hate how it sounds. My life is a rainbow of greys. I miss old friends, conversations, stick around nostalgia won't let you down and I cling to the oddest things at the oddest times I believe in God, the father the almighty creator of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,March,2004 | Bobby is playing everclear on his guitar he is your child after all. a terrifying thought you should know better. you should know better. silly g ew se .: :-) :. '...And when you look in my eyes, please know my heart is in your hands It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me So be gentle if you please 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth ...' my God, that scares me. {remember, no one can tell me what to do, I don't need anyone... ha ha, I wish...} why does everything {/one} have to be so complex, so multifaceted? oh, if you {anyone} could read the many many layers of my thoughts... I think perhaps I would be doomed. I could be certain {anchored} in my misery, instead of drifting like this. Oh well. [Teacher: any questions? {keep them to yourself.}] |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,March,2004 | I am restless. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,March,2004 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,March,2004 | What was going through my head: what an idiot, you wanted so terribly for it to be real, and you knew better... What is going through my head: never mind. its ok never mind. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,March,2004 | This is how I feel today. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,March,2004 | that's amazing. spring break this week. I'm incredibly excited... but things keep getting more and more full, and I wanted a chance to rest. I'm glad you're thinking along those lines too. and I miss you already. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,March,2004 | nec meum respectet, ut ante, amorem. qui illius culpa cecidit velut prati ultimi flos, praetereunte postquam tactus aratro est. {not for you.} I've found that which I wanted to be enveloped in. but I don't know how to describe it to you. its lovely, like velvet. Another interesting thing I discovered today: Social Concerns is the theology class I'm taking right now. We study the Catholic Social Teachings. Today we were talking about societal attitudes toward the elderly, and came to the topic of why people find it neccessary to dye their hair so the grey doesn't show. I made the point that things like wrinkles and grey hairs are physical evidence that we are growing older, and the older we come, the closer to death we come... People are afraid of death, and so they erase these reminders of their mortality with dyes and plastic surgeries. Then my mind sort of dropped out of the discussion and continued on its own. The theory of time and its relativity has always been obvious to me in my life. Those minutes in the classroom on a Friday afternoon really do last for hours, relatively. There is no constant of time. My life is like one of those commercials where falling papers are frozen in mid-air, but the actors continue to move. Then Mr. Bertalott's voice came through my reverie asking, 'When do you think you will look in the mirror and consider yourself old?' and I thought, I already am old. In my time, the rest of what is left of my life could fly by in a relative night, and I could die tomorrow at the age of 102. I am ancient. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,March,2004 | another identity crisis { this isn't me. } She never mentions the word addiction In certain company Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan After you meet her family She paints her eyes as black as night, now Pulls those shades down tight Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes, The pains gonna make everything alright Says she talks to angels, They call her out by her name She talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket She wears a cross around her neck Yes, the hair is from a little boy And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet Says she talks to angels, Says they all know her name Oh yeah, she talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name She dont know no lover, None that I ever seen Yes, to her that aint nothing But to me, yeah me, Its everything She paints her eyes as black as night now She pulls those shades down tight Oh yeah, theres a smile when the pain comes, The pains gonna make everything alright, alright yeah She talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name Oh yeah, yeah, angels Call her out by her name Oh, angels They call her out by her name Oh, she talks to angels They call her out Yeah, they call her out Dont you know that they call her out by her name today I walked from Latin class to history with Ali Ryan. As we started down the stairs Ali began talking about a girl in our Latin class who she {and a lot of other people, including myself} can't stand. I easily fell into the conversation, agreeing with her. London joined us with a rather conspiratorial 'Who are you talking about?' {We'll call her... Chef. ha ha, don't you love wordplay.} As we walked across the quad we continued to decimate this girl. I was walking between Ali and London, I felt 'chummy' with these girls, but then I thought, this is terrible, that we've come to this comradarie through our nastiness. It happens a lot. I really do feel terrible. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 10,March,2004 | Its amazing how some of the littlest things can change your point of view. I've been in a much better mood lately {which unfortunately means less to write about...} and I can't decided if its because of the lovely weather, or because of Sean. Probably both. and the other day Mr. Thomas suggested that he thinks going to MU {University of Missouri, Columbia} would be really good for me. His opinion means a lot to me. Therefore, I am going to visit there next week, during spring break. He also said that one of the photos I took for the issue that's coming out tomorrow is the best I've had published all year. Tonight I went to a Lenten prayer service at church. They played a video on poverty around the world. It was terribly depressing. If I give up all the things I own, how would that help the people who live in garbage dumps in South America? Could I sell my car, and donate the money from it, and the gas money I would save to a charity? I don't think I could. I'm too selfish. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I do feel a little less stressed though... I got some good prayer time in. I always feel so much cleaner after I've prayed. Lately, my prayers have just been letting my thoughts flow through my head, opening them to God, and dwelling on people who I care about, who need my prayers, and who I am thankful for. Then I've fallen into my faults. I wish there was some way I could force myself to be more selfless. I want to exist soley for the good of others, but somehow I always fall back to doing things for my own good, and taking care of my wants. I feel guilty for wanting so many things, especially when I know how little they really matter. I also feel guilty for needing so much attention. So much of what I do is to get the attention and compliments of others. Does any of the good I do for this purpose even really count? I talk about people behind their backs, and I judge people based on the way they look or talk. Honestly? I think I really am a terrible person. God help me. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,March,2004 | Make me know impossible things How the air feels upon your skin, the touch of cool water upon your face, the weight of a rose in the palm of your hand, I will try to understand. I want to keep discovering you - your triumphs, your hurts, what brings you peace - because with each discovery, I find something new about you to love. - Maya Angelou |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,March,2004 | When I was little, I used to be terrified of a lot of things. Creakings in the attic {there had to be someone, or something there didn't there?} being alone... sleeping away from home, and the dark, I was more scared of the dark I think than anything else {remnants of this still remain with me... but I didn't admit it.} I can't begin to explain how I ended up that way... my parents never gave me any cause to feel unsafe... but for a terribly long time I hated the night, I hated going to bed. The very thought of trying to sleep sent sparks of fear to my heart. I would lay in bed wide awake, feeling almost as if I had been placed in a vacuum, a void of everything good. There aren't words to describe to you how I felt. I had forgotten about that until earlier today... it just came back to me all of a sudden. I really was the oddest child. I'm weird now, but so is everyone. When I was little, I was just odd... strange... what people must have thought of me... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,March,2004 | me a little over two months ago: 'I miss feeling loved, and knowing that somebody is thinking about me... and I miss feeling safe wrapped in someone's arms... and having somebody to talk to, confide in, laugh with...' thank god you saved me. .:smile:. I love you. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,March,2004 | .:sigh:. {a good one, this time.} We'll just leave it at that. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,March,2004 | Its amazing how a few words can change your entire mood. You make me smile. Talking about things out in the open makes me feel weird. I guess it comes from the past year of never saying anything out in the open on here. <3 |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 04,March,2004 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,March,2004 | Ille mi par esse deo videtur, ille, si fas est, superare divos, qui sedens adversus identidem te spectat et audit dulce ridentem, misero quod omnis eripit sensus mihi: nam simul te, Lesbia, aspexi, nihil est super mi lingua sed torpet, tenuis sub artus flamma demanat, sonitu suopte tintinant aures, gemina teguntur lumina nocte. otium, Catulle, tibi molestum est: otio exsultas nimiumque gestis: otium et reges prius et beatas perdidit urbes. {aka} Godlike the man who sits at her side, who watches and catches that laughter which (softly) tears me to tatters: nothing is left of me, each time I see her, ...tongue numbed; arms, legs melting, on fire; drum drumming in ears; head- lights gone black. Coda Her ease is your sloth, Catullus you itch & roll in her ease: former kings and cities lost in the valley of her arm. usually, driving down this road {lane, path, street} the trees reach across to the freedom of crossing the blue sky but now they reach out to me, to steal my freedom stealing my space my sanity. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 02,March,2004 | being sick is really yucky. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,March,2004 | well... I may have exciting news about newspaper staff next year... but I don't know, because I didn't go to school today... so I'm just hearing rumors.... .:fingers crossed:. .:fingers crossed:. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,March,2004 | I am sick. ew. Random bits of thought: locked out twisty-ties, drawn out scarlet danger. Be a sponge! {ha, that's WAY out there...} never mind, I shouldn't do that. It confuses people. Its kind of like when I was in seventh grade, and I started writing my own secret code that really had no pattern whatsoever... It was just the first letters of what ever words I was thinking, and every now and then I would thrown in random words that corresponded with other words like eye for I, or something.... and I'd just capitalize a few letters here and there to make it look cool. So it would be something like... eyemsgTwrwhwaNaeyeLwtrsmplywtr, ntsnnfAnyel. people pretended that had it figured out and they knew what I was saying. It was amusing. I was such a weird kid. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,April,2004 | I knew this would happen. I really am pretty messed up. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,April,2004 | shoebox |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,April,2004 | '...but you still have all of me.' |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,April,2004 | never never never |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,April,2004 | what a crappy crappy day... photo club's fundraiser went well though. oh, and look, Sean got a blog!!! <--- |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,April,2004 | The picture that is going to be my column when the paper comes out on Thursday: |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 26,April,2004 | So I had my piano lesson earlier, and my teacher had me practice my piece in the recital hall, where they had just gotten a new full grand piano. I was in such awe I totally botched my piece. Let's just hope I don't do that on Thursday. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,April,2004 | Hee hee... e-mail from Corcoran: Rachel, Good Morning and Thank You so much for your interest in the Corcoran College of Art & Design. We would be more than happy to set up an appointment for you during your time here in DC. This would include a tour of the College and an interview and preliminary portfolio review with one of our Admissions Counselors. Our appointments are available throughout, though please be advised that our office is closed on weekends and we do not give appointments for Tuesdays, the day that the Corcoran Gallery is closed to the public. We very much look forward to hearing from you, and our Admissions Office can be reached directly at 202.639.1814. Thank you again for interest, and have a wonderful day. Kindest Regards, Morgan A. Weinrich Admissions Assistant |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 25,April,2004 | So I promised Liam I'd put a link to his band's website on my blog. He in return put my e-mail address on there in case people need a photographer... Which is exciting. By the way, that is one funny kid. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,April,2004 | Me in my prom dress: The night really was wonderful, we went to the coolest Japanese resturaunt, {i had kitsune (sp?) fried tofu, noodles, and onions... mmm} then Sean made me eat ice cream, and as full as I thought I was... it tasted soo good. Then we took pictures, and went to the dance. Public school dances really are different from our school dances... in a really weird kind of way... anyway... The whole night really was wonderful, I'm pretty sure I'm still floating on a cloud... or AM a cloud... hee hee. You make me smile... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 24,April,2004 | well... prom's tonight... WAIT PROM'S TONIGHT!!?!??!!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHH Got to go do stuff. more later... probably tomorrow. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 23,April,2004 | not sleeping! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,April,2004 | Please? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,April,2004 | Today was better Things settled down I found what I had lost, and took care of what I needed to. It was relaxing. and I took five rolls of film at the soccer game today That's always a great stress reliever. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,April,2004 | I am so incredibly stressed out today. My eye was twitching earlier, that's how stressed out I am. all my muscles are in knots... and this doesn't show any signs of letting up. I mean, I got home from school today and found out my mom was in a car wreck. tomorrow night? STA vs. Sion at Arrowhead Stadium. Tickets: $8 I'll be on the field shooting pictures {YAY! at least that's SOMETHING to be looking forward to.} |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,April,2004 | If only you knew... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,April,2004 | Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known That any one who fled to your* protection, implored your help Or sought your intercession, was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful; O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, But in your clemency hear and answer me. Amen. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,April,2004 | urlLink see Nov. 9 tomorrow the sun will come up, and it will be alright. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,April,2004 | so last night I didn't quite get all my make-up off... and this morning when I woke up, my mascara had run down my face as if I had been crying in my sleep. Maybe I really am as messed up as everybody says, and I just don't know it. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 16,April,2004 | I wanted to know. now I can't forget. 20 some people don't know where to draw the line, some people don't know when to keep their mouths shut. I don't know. it doesn't really matter any way, nobody really cares. I'm so very very tired. Perhaps tomorrow I'll play sleeping beauty. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,April,2004 | From Juana: I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. I reserve the right to answer any way I please. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 15,April,2004 | I'm having too much fun with this photoshop thing. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,April,2004 | I feel like things are crawling all over me, in me, through me. spiders. every thing is rearranging, replacing. I found that old shoebox in my closet today. Every girl has one. Things, they're just things... so why do they have such an effect on me? some things so lovely, some things so painful {bloodied.} some things so lovely lovely. I need to be reassured. Can you believe it? I need something{/one}. Don't get used to it you know how self sufficient I am. So will you reassure me? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,April,2004 | people worry me. Don't you know that I care about you? even if you think no one else does? my best talent is listening. let me use it please |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 14,April,2004 | look! its me! with the piece of lime green yarn in my hair which is to be the subject of this entry. {I find the weirdest things to talk about!}P.S. I know I'm a mess. Its been a long day. I wear ribbon/yarn bows on my pony tails because 1. pony tails are boring, generic, and you know me, I'm always finding ways to differ from the norm 2. I think its cute. Apparently it has become a Rachel-signature-type thing. I wear this particular yarn in my hair a lot, just because it's fun. In Latin today Ali Ryan said... 'I was driving behind you on the way to school today. I wasn't quite sure it was you until I saw the green yarn in your hair, and I was like Yep, that's Rachel.' Then Kathleen Musgrave, who was sitting behind me in chemistry said, 'Rachel, I love the way you always have a bow in your hair, its so cute!' People {such as Chantele, or Mandy} also insist on yanking on the ends of my ribbons so that the bows come untied, which is rather annoying... I also vaguely remember someone, {I think it was Marcy} telling me that this particular one looks like the grinch. I think it was around Christmas time. On another note, today Mr. Thomas stopped me in the hall to ask me if I was ok. I'm just REALLY REALLY stressed out right now. Too much is going on. But it meant a lot to me that one of my teachers knew me well enough, and cared enough to notice that I was a little more flustered than usual. After I explained that I just had a lot going on to Mr. Thomas, he said 'well make sure you take care of yourself.' Someday when I'm really successful, I will give him the credit he deserves for his effects on my work... AND my well-being. Anyway back to the ribbon thing. There are lot of little things like that that people associate with me, and seem to embody my personality. things like the way I smell...? For some reason it upsets me when people tag one thing or another on me. I don't like being limited to one thing. I got a chemistry test back today on which I got a 94, and my teacher wrote me a note on the back of it that said 'I don't know Rachel- there aren't too many people who can do both math/science & hist/Eng well!!! :-)' It kind of scared me a little bit, seeing as how she couldn't know that I'm good at history and English too unless she had been talking to my other teachers about me... Do teachers really stand around and talk about their students like that? That really is scary. But the point is... I am seemingly a well rounded person.... and its really annoying. I can do so many things 'good enough' but I don't really especially excel in one area. I'm not a straight A student, I get a mixture of A's and B's... I used to be one of the better players on my volleyball team, but I was definitely not the best. {I had to quit because my shoulders are so messed up.} I've done one of the school plays, but I haven't made one since... I've played piano for nine years, and I can play decently, but I'm no Beethoven... {I know it sounds like I'm bragging... but this really bothers me.} And of course there's always photography... I'm good, but I'm not brilliant. The difference with it is that I really love it, and I've chosen to focus on it. I have the resources and the support to follow it. And one of the things I love about it is that it allows me to follow all of my different interests. Samantha called me over the summer to ask me how to make a quill because I 'know lots of random stuff.' With photography I can apply all that random information. But the real point is that I have so many bases covered that I can't be pinned down on any one hobby, personality type, social group{i.e. I listen to alternative rock, and love the music, but I don't really dress like a punk kid.}, etc. Even my moods. Most people would characterize me as being really happy, fun, always smiling type person... and I am. But if people take the time to dig down through a lot of layers, they find out that I've gone through a lot of crap, and that I hide a lot of darkness and depression. Its a constant battle and if I ever let it out, even just a little bit, it would become a total warfare, and that would be a horrible thing. but at the same time, I love people, I love life, and I will embrace just about anyone who needs me to. I'm so incredibly multi-faceted, I don't think its really possible to understand. I don't get it. I don't know why I do most of the things I do. So like, you couldn't write a manual for me {like Sean! :-P} I've come a long way from that lime green piece of yarn. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 13,April,2004 | busy busy no time to write. It was a good day. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 12,April,2004 | so it really was a terrible terrible weekend... though a couple nice things happened. I would tell you about it but I'm to tired. I need to go curl up in the fetal position and get some sleep I need warmth. I'm really cold right now. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 11,April,2004 | ...and I got my SAT scores I got a 1260 720 on the Verbal :-D 540 on the Math :-| |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,April,2004 | Easter weekend with my extended family. its amazing how a weekend can be completely redeemed in a matter of an hour. :-) skittles... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 09,April,2004 | when you'd cried I'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me Bleeding thoughts Cracking boulder Don't fall over Fake your laughter Burn the tear Sing it louder Twist and shout Way up here We stand on shoulders Growing colder Laugh or cry I won't mind Sing it louder Twist and shout Immovable shadows The concrete girl They'll rock your world to nothing And they're swimming around again, again And they're swimming around The concrete girl Catch your breath like four-leaf clover Hand it over Scream to no one Take your time Sing it louder Twist and shout Nothing to run from is worse than something And all your fears of nothing And they're swimming around again, again And they're swimming around The concrete girl Concrete girl don't fall down In this broken world around you Concrete girl don't fall down Don't fall down my concrete girl Don't stop thinking Don't stop feeling now One step away from where we were And one step back to nothing And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears And we're fighting for words now concrete girl And we're swimming around again, again And we're swimming around now Concrete girl Concrete girl don't fall down in this broken world around you Concrete girl don't fall down Don't fall down my concrete girl Concrete girl don't fall down in this concrete world around you Concrete girl don't fall down Don't break down my concrete girl and so I will be the rock in the ocean that is never washed away. I will be here with this entity... you called it strength... I will be here... waiting. and I will be alright, just like always. I'm always alright. Goodnight, my love. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,April,2004 | arg |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,April,2004 | I got this e-mail from Sama, and you pick your birth month, and it tells you about yourself: NOVEMBER Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable intriguing. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 08,April,2004 | 'Is something wrong?' she said Well of course there is 'You're still alive,' she said Oh, and do I deserve to be? Is that the question? And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...? |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,April,2004 | I hate waking up in the morning, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here, so I could touch you, feel you, make sure you're real, and not just a figment of my beautiful dreams from the night before... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 07,April,2004 | Sometimes, going to church events is just too much for me. So many of those people have literally known me since I was born. There are such high expectations of me there. We had our Sedar meal tonight, which is our Catholic celebration of our Jewish heritage... we go through a version of the passover rituals... the child asks the questions etc, then everybody eats. So many people from the parish are there. Right now, my face hurts from smiling sweetly so much. Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? Hi Rachel How are you? I'm good, how are you? That's how the night goes... This is usuallly followed by: How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. How's school going? Its going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, and keeping very busy. I feel so fake, automatic, and Robot-ish. Everyone says how pretty they think I am, how proud of me they are... How I did a wonderful job singing and/or reading and/or distributing communion. Its so nice to hear people say all these lovely things about me, but after a while it almost seems like they're just saying that, that they don't really mean it. Everyone thinks I'm so good. Even people I only talk to on the internet every couple of weeks or so will ask me questions like 'You probably hate alcohol don't you' and when I ask them why they would say something like that they say, 'You just don't seem like the kind of person to do stuff like that.' I don't understand how they know that. I can't exactly beam my charming smile at people over the internet... Sometimes I just wish I could go away for a year or so, and leave all these expectations of me behind... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,April,2004 | so much to do... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 05,April,2004 | |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 04,April,2004 | There isn't really anything that I can say to describe what I feel right now. Its odd really. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 03,April,2004 | I think that was the loveliest morning I've ever had... |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 01,April,2004 | what can I possibly say? Qualities/Virtues I wish I possesed: patience kindness grace serenity mercy gumption {they say if you have it, you know what it is, and if you don't have it, you can't every really understand. I want to understand.} athleticisim a good gpa {that probably doesn't count, but its my list :-P} perseverance real generosity and charity. I want to be one of those people who radiates a peaceful inner beauty, and always knows what the right thing is to do. Why do I always feel so inadequate? I'm not who I want to be, and I'm never who other people need me to be. Is it something I'll grow out of? I feel oddly like Jo, talking to Marmie in Little Women Danielle Rose: You are all I am not Oh, you are all that I am break down these walls Take all my brokenness Rebuild me to shelter your name Help me forgive myself Help me to lift the cross I've laid upon my soul Help me to look at myself through your eyes To see all I am and still be satisfied Help me forgive myself Within my secrets, Jesus there you reside And I need you to reconcile to renew all that's inside For if I want to love you Then with you love, Jesus, I must love myself humbly too. You are all I am not Oh, you are all that I am break down these walls Take all my brokenness Rebuild me to shelter your name |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 31,May,2004 | one week till I leave for HYU! YAY! |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,May,2004 | So I have this thing with fear. I am afraid... or have that twinge of fear in my stomach 90% of the time. I don't think anyone would ever know it though. its almost as if its become a reflex reaction to... well... just about anything. Its really weird, and I can tell I'm not doing a very good job of explaining it so I'm just going to stop. Good night. |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,May,2004 | my babysitting job cancelled on me until one... which means not so much money. arg. I owe my parents a lot of money... like $200 or something. ...blah. blah. blah. I think I'm going to go make some piz-za |
1,103,575 | female | 17 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,May,2004 | MUCHO babysitting today. MUCHO money today. I'm leaving next week. THANK GOD. Remind me to tell you about an insidious beast called fear. {just in general, not really in reference to anything in particular.} |
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