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2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | do you hear them fall? can you see them? do you care? do you hear the cries for comfort? do you hear them in darkness? can you hear my tears? |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well its bout 8:23...im listening to the new Sarah McLachlan album...its pretty good. i dunno guess its nice to hear such a beautiful voice. yeah well i dunno what im feeling...serious stuff goin on right now that i just dont feel like writing about. im trying so hard to trust God...and i know that whatever he decides will be right...but im so afraid of what that will be...what will happen? WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!?!?! you dont know how scared i am. how come now when i need someone the most they arent there...i mean have you ever felt like you love someone so much and they're right there but you cant reach them? man it's the worse feeling ever! i feel alone and seperated again. even though i am not. yanno what one of the hardest things for me? ok now this is gettin real personal and you're lucky im sharing it cuz right now i dont mind gettin personal. the hardest thing for me is to put all my trust in God. i mean i know in my head that no matter what happens to me in my life that there is a reason and God knows what he's doing. but then there is my heart and that deep dark corner of my heart that doesnt want to trust somethin that it cannot see. or maybe its that what God wants may not be what i want...and that scares me. of course i know he knows what he's doing but my stupid puny human heart doesnt want to accept that if its not what i want. i know that's so selfish. maybe its cuz im scared that ill have to climb the mountain i've already climbed. the mountain that i dont want to climb again. that was the worst thing. i dont want to have to do that again. my God just give me another chance....please? dont take away from me what i love...please? gosh life can be very hard sometimes. on top of all of this i also had to go get blood taken. NOT FUN AT ALL! i almost fainted when they took it cuz they were just suckin it out and i didnt have much sugar in my blood and then the vein clamped down so they had to stop. i had to like get back to normal and then they had to get the rest of the blood from the other arm! so now i have 2 holes in my arms! sheesh! not fun at all...im not EVER doin that again! anyways...not lookin forward to tomorrow...i gotta lots of work to do and then all that other stuff i've already explained (sorta)...i want everything to be ok again...i want it to be good again and i dont understand why it cant be...and how things can just change...i dont understand... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i pray you'll be our eyes...and watch us where we go...and help us to be wise...in times when we dont know....let this be our prayer....when we lose our way...lead us to a place....guide us with your grace....give us faith so we'll be safe.... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | im bored out of my mind! i have nothin to do! ahhhhhhhhhhh! GOSH! and geez i finished all my homework so i cant go do any of that...hahaha! im pretty happy though...things are very nice right now. im somewhat relaxed. rather odd. i cant wait for this weekend. dunno what im gonna be doin...anybody got any ideas?! yes well its 9:14...i dont wanna go to bed but i got nothin better to do...so i guess ill just stay up for a bit. i probably wont even go to sleep till like 11 or 12. its hard for me to fall asleep. course it's easier when Marbles is in my bed. i dont like to be alone. its a whole bunch easier to sleep when she's around. of course she takes up a ton of space and then i wish she wasnt there and then when she leaves im like 'no come back'...hahaha...im so messed up! im a picky little child. anyways. i think im gonna go find somethin to do. ttyl. bye. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well its veteran's day...no school! woohoo! oh wait no...instead of goin to school i had to run around and do junk all day! i had to vacuum then i had to go out and trim our 2 big bushes and then i had to work on a chem project. so yeah trimming was not fun cuz now my arms hurt like crap and im still not done! and then this chem thing took like 2 hours to do and all we really got done was the design and crap. and so i havent really gotten to do anything today for me! i wanted to go to mal's today and say hi but ya know what! i was too busy! and so now im pissed even more. and of course she's busy again tonight...so that just puts me in more of a bad mood. ah yes this has been a glorious day...NOT! nothin from yesterday has been resolved. still frustrated bout all that stuff. but im trying not to focuse on that. yeah well i dont have to piano lessons tonight so i guess i should be happy bout that. maybe. i do have a recital on sunday though. i hope it'll be ok since im playin a REALLY EASY song. i just got done talkin to L. poor girl. she's havin a bit of a tough time. i feel sorry for her. cuz i know whats she's feelin and i know it hurts. anyways! enough depressing stuff. i need to take a break. maybe go nap. ha! like that'll ever happen! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | its monday now...i dont feel very good. dunno why really. just kinda blah. yeah. my goodness i got a bunch goin on! i got this stupid chemistry project i gotta work on tomorrow WHICH I DONT WANNA DO! gosh! and i had to go to Honor Choir which is very frustrating cuz these people cant read their music! GOSH! they're breathing at the wrong places and arent even lookin at their dynamics and WE HAD TO STOP A GAZILLION TIMES! i mean how many times do you have to sing ONE MEASURE before you get it right! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! i want to break somethin. ok lets see what else is there that's botherin me....ummmmmmmm....im so broke its not funny....i have to try harder in algebra 2...and i have to get blood taken. oh and then there is my license which i guess i need to get...but i dont feel like it. cuz i dont have a car to drive and its not like my parents will actually let me drive one of their cars around. so i'd have to buy myself a car and then get a job to pay for gas and insurance...which i cannot handle! i just started to be ok with all this anxiety disorder and junk cuz i've learned how to deal with the anxiety i've had and now its like i got a new kinda of anxiety to deal with! its not cool at all! ill probably end up in counseling again before this year is up...which i really dont wanna do! im so like...FRUSTRATED! i just want to go lie down and take a nap. but thats impossible cuz i've never been able to nap. and where is mal?!?!? she's not online. i was gonna call but she said she probably wouldnt be able to talk anyways so i didnt even try. didnt wanna get my hopes up. did you know that i saw her today at school like i do everyday...but right now i am REALLY MISSING HER! i wish she was here. that would be very nice. its like i can relax when she's around...and everything kinda goes away and i feel ok. life is so sweet when she's with me. she really is an awesome person. if you dont know her then you should. i swear if there were more people in this world like her then life would be so much easier! I LOVE HER! i'd love her alot more if she was online right now...and i love her a whole LOT more if she was here! hahaha! ok i guess im kinda feelin better. not really but hey life is not perfect. i learned that lesson already. so im gonna try and not be upset bout it. ha! yeah right. i guess ill be ok. ok well dunno what to write bout now. i think this is sufficient for now. haha! big word! ok well yeah! bye! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | thank goodness! its friday! woohoo! im so excited! no school for TWO WHOLE DAYS! hahahaha! and then we get out on tuesday too....kinda stupid though cuz we go on monday then not tuesday...tiz messsed up big time! welcome to alabama. this was a pretty good day at school. i was happy again! french was awesome! we ate the whole period! and tonight im gonna watch finding nemo with Mal. can it get any better? hehe! did i ever say that i LOVE mallory!? haha...i really do! she's so awesome. and she makes me feel good. and she's easy to talk to. and funny. and im so lucky! (blushing). i think im gonna get the music for Only Hope from mrs rimes. i really wanna learn how to play that. oh and im gonna sing O Holy Night with carissa for the christmas choir concert! its gonna be so cool! thats like my favorite christmas song! oh i love it! hehehe! im in such a good now. dunno why...but hey who cares! as long as i be happy! let's see i dont think i got nothin else to write about. k well then im just gonna hit the post button and go find somethin to do. God bless you all! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | today started out pretty good...school felt great...i was havin fun...and i was like overly happy today! it was very strange indeed. course i didnt get to talk to mal really all day so i was not too happy bout that...but yeah. made my french project. got it right the second time cookin it! hahaha! its very good...a bit spicy but i like it spicy so its all good. called Mal just a few min ago. she was kinda busy i guess her and Ashley were doin stuff. so yeah. she had to go help cook Ash's french thing. and i kinda feel guilty. it makes me mad. cuz like alot of times i want to talk to Mal or somethin and she'll be too busy. and it just drives me insane. course i dont wanna hog her either. she does have other friends and i understand that...but yeah. i guess i just dont like bein put second or anything...and i just hate not bein able to talk to her. and i get depressed when she doesnt have time for me. which i guess is stupid. ill just deal with probably. it'll be ok hopefully. ha! she's probably reading all of this too. hahaha! oh yes i do have some good news! no more psychiatrist appointments! thank goodness! thursday was my last one! i went and we decided that i had really improved and that our goals had been reached. my chest doesnt hurt anymore...which is awesome! and yeah i get stressed some but i can handle it a bunch! hey i g2g! life's great! ttyl! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | ok well its sunday...been kinda slow today...not much happenin. went to the movies last night. mal and i saw school of rock instead of radio cuz it was sold out. my gosh i love mal so much. she makes me feel so good. and yanno what? its funny to me...cuz i always thought that no one could make me feel as happy as kari did. but then again...kari didnt love me in return the same way that mal does. man thats a great feeling. just that someone loves me. some stranger who loves me because they choose to. i swear that is the cure for all hardships in the world. just being around her can make all my problems go away. i hate to admit it but...i think im dependent on people. if there was no one but me on this planet i dont think i'd survive. i have to be around people. and i love people. sure people can be jerks now and then. people are the cruelest creation that God ever made. but people are also the most loving creatures God ever created. but people on this earth have such terrible times. human lives are so hard. and most people dont know how to handle the hardships in their lives. i didnt know how to and look at what i almost did. i almost threw everything away. and how many others are there like me out there? how many people are so desperate that they would take their lives? after what i went through i decided what i wanted to do when i grow up. i want to help people. people like me. people who have no hope. people who are sad. people with no one to turn to. i want to be the person they can turn to. i want to show them that they are not alone. that there are others in this world who experienced what they are. i dont want them to go where i went. i dont want them to ever get that close to the line. well im getting rather tired at the moment. i gots to go to church later so maybe ill write some more when i get back. course Alias is on so i dunno...hehehe! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | Sorry...i need to explain this...the posting below is was actually written a long time ago...i put dates at the beginning of whenever i was writing. i am being very open with this....these are alot of personal thoughts that i usually dont share with people...just be warned that there might be stuff in there and later as i continue that you might not want to read... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | through my tears it is done. i give up. it is over. i surrender. my last breath of hope is gone and i have nothing left to hold on to. my grip slips and i fall...back into the darkness of my pain...to the cruel world i know all too well...where there is no relief...where there is no mercy...and where there is no one to hear my cries...where i am alone once more. i go quietly. i dont fight. i dont scream. my tears fall silently...and all of this i accept...all of this i endure without fear. for love sustains me...love lets me move on...and love lets me live each day. and every night as i go to sleep at least ill know that i loved enough to let go...and ill find peace knowing she'll be happier. and at least ill still be able to see her smile through all of my tears... _______________________________________________________ This is my journal. Most of this has to deal with my anxiety or the pain caused by my stress. If you're reading this please dont feel sorry for me. I dont want your sympathy. I just want to be understood and i thank you for caring enough to read. 9/18/03 Today was kinda weird. I was content...sorta...i still miss kari...and getting to be around her. i dont like the fact that seth and kari are close. i hate not getting to be close to her...we hardly ever talk anymore...she seems to have moved on. i kinda screwed up our friendship. i kept on bringin up how i missed her and all...and i really do...but i dont think she understands that...she never loved me...not like i loved her. love never dies and what she felt for me died...it was never love. that hurts but i guess there really is nothin i can do to change that. she seems so happy around seth now...and i guess that helps me...cuz now she can be happy...and that makes me happy. i've kinda moved on. im talkin to mallory. she's an awesome person. she's not like anyone i've ever met. her outlook on life just makes me cry. its like someone i've been lookin for all my life...she doesnt worry bout anything...she can always find somethin good in everything that goes bad. she makes me smile. she makes me just think bout stuff totally differently. i wanna say i love her...and i do in a way...maybe not as a girlfriend just yet... but there is hope and that helps me. its kinda weird for me...i mean i really dont need someone to be happy but my gosh it makes things so much easier if i do have someone. and mallory seems to be that person...its kinda weird...i still have feelings for kari but in a way i think that mallory would be better. i think the major problem for me is that i dont want a girlfriend like everyone else wants. i have many friends...and all of them care for me...they all care about me and love me...but there is a problem...i guess its not a real problem...just a personal problem for me. all my friends are here for me...usually...but then they get boyfriends or girlfriends and i suddenly become second. i cant help that and i dont blame people for that...they are only human...but it hurts and its happened to me alot. like all the sudden people dont have time for me. thats why i want my girlfriend to be my bestfriend...cuz then i know that my friend will never not have time for me. she'll always be there when i need her. thats what i want from her...thats all i'd ask...and i'd give her whatever she'd want from me...i gave kari my heart and i think that i might be able to give that to someone else since she didnt want it. so now its mallory...she's great...wonderful person. i was worrying about her today...i was worried bout what i should do bout our relationship. we both know that we're interested in eachother...and she's wise to tell me that we should wait. and i was also worried that now that she's starting to get scared of me. cuz like i tell her bout how i am and how i worry bout stuff...and about my chest pain...and i was afraid she would just not like me anymore cuz im so messed up. but she said that it was all ok and that she still likes me and that she thinks i should take more time to get over kari and work on my problems. but she said she'd wait for me and that she'd be here...and my gosh that makes me feel so good that someone would wait for me...that she cares enough to wait. makes me feel great. cuz im wanted and somebody cares. well gosh this is long...and its only the first day...this is gonna be huge in like a month! hehehe! yanno now that i think bout it this is kinda nice...i get to just write everything down and its nice to let out...of course you cant talk back...but thats ok at least you're reading...well thats bout it for tonight...im tired and talkin to L...probably goin to bed soon...ttyl bye! 9/19/03 today was ok again...nothin great happened...mallory was kinda quiet today...dunno why...she's really sweet when she talks to me but then she's like mallory when we're around everyone else...she likes to joke around...its great...i need the time to let out some stress. i kinda realized today that i do still love kari...i really miss her bad. she doesnt talk to me anymore really...she's hurt or somethin and that just really bothers me. she's so happy with seth now...she's always so happy and smiling around him...i dunno if maybe she just doesnt want him to see her upset...she always seems to be upset or somethin around me...or she's just not happy...i hate not being able to make her happy anymore...it stinks so bad. and its still hurts to see seth flirt with her...she doesnt see it but he is...im a guy i so understand. she just thinks he's bein a good friend but it so obvious that he likes her that its not even funny. i feel so sick...makes me feel like crap that she doesnt love me anymore...well she never did like i said yesterday but yanno what i mean. i just dont get it and she cant give me an answer. WHY NOT ME? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME AND YET TELL ME YOU DONT WANT TO BE MY GF? DONT YOU MISS ME? DO YOU HURT LIKE I DO? she has no answer for me and i just dont understand. i just hurts so bad. my gosh i love her so much and yet i know i will never have her. im trapped in a cage where im gonna have to spend the rest of my life knowing that she doest love me and that i will never be able to have her...and ill have to watch as other guys get to be close to her when i cant...and i will feel alone...not that thats new to me but its not a feeling i want to go back to feeling...which again leads to more pain. i guess i have some bittersweet happiness...cuz at least she'll be happy and i know that i loved her mor than anyone else could....i dont think she saw that but thats ok cuz at least she'll smile again...at least i loved her enough to let her go so that she could be happy...thats what true love is...being able to let go. but its hard to truely be happy without her...cuz she could make all my pain go away and for once in my life i could feel happiness without the pain still raging...i dunno if you could understand what its like...for it to never go away and never give you a moment of peace...no relief...nothin...just always there...and then you meet someone that lets you feel somethin that you've never felt before...somethin you take for granted cuz you can feel it whenever you want...you can be happy...you can truely be happy...you dont have to laugh while still feeling pain...you dont have to smile when inside you feel like someone is ripping your heart out. and i finally was able to experience that with kari...she showed me happiness...and for once i could smile and be happy. and now that its gone and that im back to the way i dunno what to do...i want to feel that again...i want to be happy. i wrote this bout 2 weeks when ellen and i were talkin and she thought that it was stupid cuz i couldnt be happy without someone...i wrote this to put it into perspective for her... am i stupid cuz i want someone to cry to? am i desperate cuz i want someone to hold me when i dont think i can go on? do you think im silly cuz i want to be loved? do you think so? you try living like me for a day...you try to live with my pain...every minute of everyday...you try to find comfort...you wont find it...you wont be able to feel peace or happiness...nothing...and no one will be able to understand you...you will be alone...and you will have no one to turn to...then after all of this you tell me if you still think im silly for wanting some comfort... kinda depressing...but its the truth...and i dont want to complain...i dont want you to feel sorry for me...i want people to understand that all those stupid things that you worry bout...all that stress you feel...just remember it could be worse...i know it could be worse for me...i dunno how much worse but i bet i could be...i really dont think people have an idea of what stress is like...i always laugh when people say 'oh im so stressed' and yes maybe they are...but they dont know what stress is...you never understand what stress is until it starts to affect you physically and it wont go away...that is stress...stress that stresses you...that is what real stress is...what you feel is more worrying...its not stress...and i envy you...i wish i could be like that...like only gettin stressed sometimes...i wish i was normal...that would satisfy me...i wouldnt mind only have a little stress instead of stress 24/7. yeah well im ramblin now...goin to the MA homecoming game with amy & aaron later...ill be back tonight to probably write some more...till then...au revoir! after the game...same day... just got back from the Madison Academy homecoming game...lots of fun...lots of screaming! i saw brandon, haley, kate, nadia, katie goode, katelin passon...and a ton of others! it was alot of fun...a nice kinda. but now im back home and all the stuff is back...all that junk that is called my life...im talkin to mallory...and kari at the same time...kinda weird...the 2 girls i love...once that rejected me and hurt me and then the one that makes me feel like ill be ok and that ill get to keep goin on...i really want her to be mine right now...i dunno if i want that cuz i want just someone...it kinda feels right though...she's like the EXACT person i'd need...she could so help me with all my problems...but she dont wanna be like a fallback girlfriend...and i so understand cuz i wouldnt want to do that to her anyways...she doesnt deserve that...she's too great of a person to probably even deserve to be with me...im just a person full of trouble and problems... im really confused bout now bout my feelings! i dunno what to do! i still love kari..i still will forever...even if its in the deepest depths of my heart i will still love her always...but ill never have anything in return for that love so i gotta move on...and i want to move on to mallory and i know i could love her too...maybe even more than i ever loved kari even though i dont think thats possible but ya never know...but i dunno if im ready just yet for anyone new...but then i want someone new...someone to keep my mind off of kari...but i dont wanna just do somethin without thinking cuz if i do that then ill hurt someone...ill go out with someone and then realize i dont really like them and then ill just hurt someone...just like kari hurt me...and no one deserves that...even though it happens all the time i guess. but still i dunno what to do... wow! its 10:51...tiz very late...i should go to bed...but all i'd do is think some more and i kinda like writin it all down. jennifer love hewitt is a cool singer...she's pretty good...sorry just thought i'd throw that in there. yeah well im going to bed...if it's late when you're reading this then you need to go to bed too! lol! bye bye! 9/20/03 saturday...its been an ok day so far...nothin too terrible has happened. im goin to Madison Academy's homecoming party tonight with amy...i need to go change for that in a little bit for that...im supposed to look nice...dont really wanna go but hey i thought i'd be nice since amy's been so nice to me. i went to bed happy last night...mallory said she really was starting to like me more...WHICH IS TOTALLY AWESOME! im pretty happy bout that...im starting to like her more too...even if its not as much as i like kari still...but kari has nothin more to give me so i need to move on to someone who does. so im ok with this i guess...im still tryin to tell myself to forget kari cuz she'll never be there again...but my heart doesnt want to...this is so very hard...i know im in love...cuz even now...5 weeks later im still not ok...i still want kari so bad...and its not fair that i cant have her. of course she might not be 'the one'. would the one cause you this much pain? what do you do when the only person who can stop your crying is the one who made you cry? pain hasnt been too bad today...mallory has helped that i guess...OH YEAH! MADISON ACADEMY WON THEIR GAME 14 TO 6! sorry i forgot to tell ya last night...hehehe! oh yeah back to pain...not too noticeable...more of a sore feeling again. i do feel very BLAH now. i just want to not do anything...i just want everything to go away...I NEED A BREAK! i want to like not go to school and dont wanna go and do anything...unless its with mallory...then i wouldnt mind...but EVERYTHING else needs to just go away! of course i do have my senior high retreat in 5 days....that will be lots of fun....that's probably gonna be the only break ill be getting...and even that probably wont be a break from the pain...but hey i cant always get what i want so im not gonna complain. I DONT WANNA GO TO THIS PARTY! IM TOO TIRED! AND I WANT A BREAK! ok there i said it! lol...i wasnt gonna type that but then i thought hey this is MY journal ill type whatever i want to! ok well...im goin to go change into some 'nice' cloths for this party thing...ill be back later tonight...till then adios! after the homecoming party...same day... back from the party...kinda boring...but hey i got to get out so it was fun. hehehe. talkin to mallory again. i dont wanna go to bed...i've kinda wasted away my weekend but hey it was fun so im good...i kinda dont know what to say. i was talkin bout my break up with kari...amy and i were talkin and she said that kari told katie goode a different story than what i told amy. i really dont like that its been botherin me...i want to know what kari tells people so that im not tellin a different story cuz i dont wanna be that type of guy where kari's friends look at me and say 'oh there goes kris...that jerk that hurt kari'. i want to be remembered as the guy that fell in love with kari but that was just not loved in return. i dont our breakup to be anyones fault. i want people to just know that it wasnt harsh or mean. she just didnt love me and so it ended. nothin mean or anything. cept i kinda didnt let it happen that easily. i fought for a little bit. i didnt want to give up...in a way i still havent given up and i still do have hope. but there isnt much there. i did hurt her...and i feel so bad bout that...it was cuz i didnt let go so easy. i wouldnt give up and eventually hurt our friendship. so now i feel bad bout that. i guess i cant help that now. i've got to move on. oui. well i think im gonna go to bed now. its 10:56. late again. night. 9/21/03 well today is the day that i can legally get my license....but its a sunday so they're closed...ill just have to wait till another day...not like i have anywhere to go or anyone to go with or anything to go in. hehehe! im goin to the Junior High Devo tonight at L's house. its gonna be fun! L's the bomb! and so is bay bay! im not supposed to be goin cuz im in the senior high...but hey who would dare stop me! im all powerful! MUHAHAHAHA! ok fine! geez...let me have my moment without think im an idiot! hehehe! yanno i wonder whose gonna read all of this! they're gonn be like man he's really messed up. aww well! you just have to get over it! lol! hmmmm...not what has been botherin me today. i havent gotten to talk to mallory today. she hasnt been online all day. YANNO IT IS SO HARD TO STOP LOVING SOMEONE! i still dont wanna let go of kari...at least a part of me doesnt want to. but i really like mallory. sometimes i wish i could just forget bout kari and just move on. but its SOOOOOOO hard! i mean for cryin out loud im in love with her! i hate to admit it but i still am! and i dont know how to stop! am i supposed to? it just doesnt seem right...but she doesnt love me! i with there was a book on how to handle this. like that told me 'if you love someone and she dont love you, then you....' and whatever! wouldnt life jsut be great if we had a book on how to handle everything! that'd be awesome! i mean the bible is cool...its got everything i NEED to know to live....but like it doesnt have some of the stuff i'd like to have. i guess thats where friends come into the picture. L's nice...she kinda reminds me when to turn to God when im just too like stressed out to remember to do that...she's like my best Christian friend. she's awesome! i love her to death! she helps me soo much! of course she's also one of those girls that would never consider me as a bf cuz we're such good friends! i've asked TWICE! and she's said no both times. i guess thats ok...i really am content with what she is to me....i like it how it is. there are other girls. there was kari...but now there's mallory. i kinda wonder if mallory's got a sweet side. i havent really seen to much of that. not sayin that she isnt nice cuz she really is. but yanno i like girls who can be real sweet to me. not that i wouldnt go out with a girl who wasnt...i mean i wanted to go out with L! hehehe! not too much sweetness there! mallory has been pretty sweet to me...maybe not as sweet as i'd like...but hey i might as well see what she's really like....i guess ill find out over time. sweetness isnt exactly a priority for me...its more just will she love me back. that'd be sweet enough for me! hehehe! well im bout tired out of writing for now. ill probably be back after the devo....MISS ME! 9/23/03 well i didnt write yesterday...was i monday? i guess so...yeah it was...wow its only tuesday...thats crazy! i thought it would be like wednesday already. gosh...i want this week to go by quicker! IM READY FOR MY RETREAT! of course L wont be there and thats not gonna be cool at all....L is so awesome! i love her to death...she's like the person i go to when i need to just like get away from everyone else...just like free time... well mallory are like this > after piano lessons...same day.... i still hurt....and there is still no relief...i still cry....and still no one hears...and i am still silent...still bearing what i must...still wondering why...still wondering what is to become of me...i hide among the crouds...so not to reveal my pain...i hide behind a wall to hide the cold scared confused boy...who knows not what to do...where do i turn? who will come and tear down that wall? who cares enough to notice? who cares enough to hold me? who will love me? wrote that a couple days ago...i was really kinda feelin it again...that missin kari thing...it came back full force. well i put it in my profile...which i usually do...and mallory read it and she said she'd love me...it was the sweetest thing...almost made me cry...she's so sweet! i love her to death! she really does make me feel good. chest hasnt been hurting too much since i found out that mal likes me. maybe that just gives me comfort...to know that someone loves you...even though yanno they dont have to...its like a choice they make. not like a parent or sibling which kinda 'have' to love you...but some stranger who decides to love you...that makes me feel special...and i love that feeling and it kinda hides my pain...its wonderful to be able to truely feel happiness. ok well im happy so im gonna stop writing...so i dont accidently stir up old feelings...cya tomorrow... 9/24/03 well its wednesday. 2 days till the senior high retreat! im so ready to go! i kinda wanted to go to the big spring jam but hey i'd really rather go to the retreat...it would benefit me more. well...kari asked me today why i dont like talk to her at school. and i told her the truth...it just hurts to talk to her...it just so many good memories...it brings back all the memories that i miss...and the makes me think bout that stuff that im not gonna be able to experience with her. and i dont wanna think bout that now. cuz i really want mallory now and i think she'll really care for me and i really hope she'll love me back. i would love that right now. specially from her. yeah. well its late and i dont feel like writing any more. 9/25/03 SENIOR HIGH RETREAT TOMORROW! woohoo! i cant wait! im so ready to go! oh yeah! go kris! gettin out of here! i had my choir concert today...i thought it was ok...most people thought it was great and it was...we were very good. chest pain hasnt been to bad this week...i guess thats been good...im still just so emotionally just AHHH! this is journal thing is starting to get short again. i guess im not thinkin too much bout my pain so im not complaining about it...its so much easier just to ignore it. yes...again im leaving...im too busy talkin to mallory to write! so cya MONDAY! ill be gone ALL WEEKEND! 10/4/03 well its been a LONG time since i've written in this. alot has happened. senior high retreat was fun. i wish ellen had gone it would have been alot more fun with her. she's my closest true friend. she's so awesome! its too bad i cant take a piece of her and just stick in here. aww well. leavin tomorrow for california. goin to see Grandpa probably for the last time. he's supposed to die in bout 2 months. i dont seem sad do i? i dont feel sadness. i dunno why. i want to say that i find comfort in knowing that he'll be in a better place...but i cant cuz he's not saved. i think its just me. i dont feel much anymore. all i can feel is my pain and anxiety which focuses around my relationships and around my pain too. i dunno if somethin's wrong with me. maybe im just too depressed and strained right now. i just dont feel sad. maybe i dont realize what is happening. or maybe i just dont wanna accept it. i dunno. i think im just so past emotions right now. im so sick of them. arent emotions an amazing thing? they can take you to highest peak and then can drag you to the darkest depths. lol. you can tell i've had a lot of time to think bout all of this. i like to analyze feelings. probably why i wanna be a psychologist. feelings are the coolest things. and the most terrible things too. mallory and i are goin out now. yep we sho are! it was so funny. we like to play the question game and all. of course i tend to ask most of the questions but hey thats ok. well the other night i asked her to ask me a question. she asked one. and i said yes. LOL! thats right! she asked me out! she took my job away! lol! it was pretty cool. yes well now the hard part comes. im still so in love with kari. this is the biggest dilemma i've ever had. i love kari so much but she doesnt love me and probably never will (not that i dont have hope) and then i have mallory who is so loyal to me and likes me alot. but it is so hard to have feelings for her. it doesnt feel right...kari and i feel right. my gosh i miss her so much. but i miss mal too! i like her and really i think she's the person i like the most after kari. this is so hard! what am i supposed to do? stop following what my heart tells me is right and follow what makes logical sense? is love logical? why must it be so unpredictable? why cant love work when i need it to? why cant i be loved by the one i love? i really hope you never have to experience this. its not fun at all. it hurts so bad. especially if you're like me. i had an epiphany the other day. i think thats how you spell it. i realized after 2 whole yrs that ALL of my anxiety and pain revolves around 2 fears. the fear of rejection and the fear of being alone. that is the root of everything. i finally figured it out. i dunno if it makes me feel any better but at least i know why i feel this way now. but it just makes sense. this really all started at the end of school in 8th grade when Courtney, Vickie, Aaron, and Trey and their group (which included me at the time) started to get closer. and i was slowly pushed out. i felt rejected then. and scared taht i was losing a friendship. all that built up and i threw up on the 2nd to the last day of school from all the stress. then in 9th grade in our first semester kari and maria were like bestfriends so they were always hangin out and trey and kari were gettin close for reasons that i cant tell you...and i just felt left out and rejected again. and thats when i went into a depression and stopped eating and just got really low. and of course all the 'little' incidents all revolve around my fears. but then there is the worse rejection. the one from kari. my gosh that was and is the worst. cuz not only was i rejected by someone i had given my heart to but i was also left alone. with no one. and i sunk. really low. and i got really depressed. it was bad. worse than anyone could have thought. kristopher. the good christian boy. the boy who is always so happy. who loves bein around peopel and jokin around. nobody ever sees the real kristopher. the cold scared boy who hides behind his wall as he cries. nobody sees or hears him. one because he hides it and 2 cuz they dont wanna think that someone around them is unhappy cuz then they get upset. kari doesnt even know how low i got...i probably couldnt tell her anyways. i dont want her to feel guilty. its not really her fault...she caused it but its not her fault. and now you're askin how low i got? you really wanna know? you might regret that...did you know that there are 18 knives in my house? 18. did you know that at around 10:00 everyone but me goes to bed and im alone? can you figure out how low i was? i had it all planned out. im not gonna make you listen to that. you probably dont want to. but i was really close. have you ever thought bout that? well probably not...most people dont get that low...i wish i were like them...oh i would give so much just for a day like them. but no have you thought...isnt it amazing how such a simple device, a blade, can take everything away. a blade could make my pain go away and my stress just disappear. isnt it funny how people cant help themselves but simple little things can help them. somethin so simple could stop such a complicated problem. man i was close. so close. but then i thought...if i go then what bout the people that depend on me? what bout mallory? she loves me...why should i put her through that pain. or ellen...what would she think...she'd be disappointed in me. or davida? she doesnt deserve to be put through that. or kari? she doesnt deserve to feel that either or to feel guilty. and someday she might need me...and i wouldnt be there for her. or my family? that would be so terrible for them. and Jesus? he would be so disappointed that i couldnt have faith enough to keep going. and i couldnt kill myself because of Him. He died for me...He gave me a gift and i would be throughing it back in his face. i could not bring myself to do that. but now i have to say to all of those out there that are suicidal. if you are reading this listen to me. this world is cruel and terrible place. it shows no mercy to you or anyone else. and it will never let you rest. but think...if everyone in the world killed themselves when they got down what would the world be like? it would be whole lot worse. it would be hell. you and i...we are important in this world. all those people i mentioned above depend on me. they depend on me to be happy at least somewhat. they would be really sad if i killed myself. i carry some of their pain. they will never experience it for i am the one who does but in a way it is their pain. you see people who are suicidal...they are the people that carry the most pain in this world. they are the ones who bear what others cant. they bear the pain of the world. but if you are one of those people dont lose hope. dont feel alone. dont feel cheated out of life. there is hope. and there is a way to feel what others are blessed enough to feel everyday. you can be happy. just have faith in God. He will never leave you. You will never be alone with him by your side. He will ALWAYS be there. and with Him you can live a life like everyone else and even a better life than most. cuz what can this world do to you if you have God on your side? and remember this verse...it is the my favorite verse in the Bible and it helps me live each day. 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' -Matthew 11:28 |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well tomorrow im leavin to go to my grandparents summer home in Fort Lauderdal FL! mmmm...lovely beaches...beautiful weather...gorgeous babes (just like Halle Berry, James!). i wont be writin in my journal for awhile. i wont be back till Jan 2nd! hope you guys all had a wonderful Christmas! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i have been blind...unwilling to see...the true love you're giving...i have ignored every blessing...i'm on my knees confessing...that i feel myself surrender...each time i see your face...i am staggered by your beauty...your unassuming grace...and i feel my heart is turning...falling into place...i can't hide...now hear my confession...i have been wrong about you....thought i was strong without you...for so long nothing could move me...for so long nothing could change me...now i feel myself surrender...each time i see your face...i am captured by your beauty...your unassuming grace...and I feel my heart is turning...falling into place...i can't hide...now hear my confession...you are the air that i breath...you're the ground beneath my feet...when did i stop believing? |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | merry christmas everyone. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | o holy night...the stars are brightly shining. it is the night of our dear savior's birth. long lay the world...in sin and error pinning...til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. a thrill of hope. the weary world rejoices. for yonder breaks...a new and glorious morn. fall on your knees. o hear the angel voices. o night divine. o night...when christ was born. o night...divine...o night...o night divine. truly He taught us to love one another...His law is life and His gospel is truth. chains shall He break for the slave is our brother. and in His name all oppresion shall cease. sweet hymns of joy...in grateful chorus raise we...let all within us praise His holy name. Christ is the Lord...oh praise His name forever...His power and glory ever more proclaim. o night...divine...o night...o night divine... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | goodness i feel so much better than i did a couple of days ago. i feel like a big weight has been lifted off me. im so at ease. its like i dont have to worry about anything. i can feel that ill be ok. that my life will continue as it was meant to and that everything that has happened to me had a purpose. and that everything has just helped make me stronger. gosh i feel so much stronger. i havent felt like this in a long time. its so relaxing. but like i said everything has really helped make me stronger. and i was thinkin about that lastnight. and i started remembering what i almost did such a long time ago. and yanno...that was a terrible thing and i am so ashamed that i came that close. but i realized how much having that experience benefited me. i have totally different outlook on death. im not afraid of it. it doesnt scare me to die...instead death is simply a reward. because when you die you are free. free from all this cruel world. death is like God's second gift to the world. you need his first gift of Jesus if you want to truly enjoy his second gift but when you do then death will be your reward for living a Christian life. i said the other day that i long for death. and yes that is true. i dont want to kill myself. i wont make that mistake again. but i still cant wait to die. because i know that when i die i will be free. i wont have hurt. i wont have to cry. ill get to be with my God. but until the day comes for me i know i can trust him to take care of me. i've been looking for so long for someone i can always depend on. and i have been crushed by so many people. so many people that couldnt...because the are only human. and that whole time He was always right there. reaching out to me. and i never reached out in turn. i was so blind. and then someone helped me see. funny though. i love her so much. and even though she was one of the people that hurt me she was still able to help me. and i am so thankful that God let me know her. she is such an amazing person. and i adore her. i know now that God will make everything ok. and that God will hold me when no one else does. i will still cry. i will still miss them. and i will never stop loving them. because i cant. but God will hold me up. everything will be ok. and i will always be able to lean on Him...through all of my tears... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i am tired. i am still in a very confused state. im still sad. im still crying. im still hurting. but...i will be ok. i know i will. i can feel it. because through my tears...i can see His outstretched hand...and through my tears i know that he will raise me up... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | when i am down and oh my soul so weary...when troubles come and my heart burdened be...then i am still and wait here in the silence...until you come and sit awhile with me...you raise me up so i can stand on mountains...you raise me up to walk on stormy seas...i am strong when i am on your shoulders...you raise me up...to more than i can be...there is no life...no life without its hunger...each restless heart beats so imperfectly...but when you come and i am filled with wonder...sometimes i think i glimpse eternity... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | ok all the sudden i feel like writing. i cannot explain to you how im hurting. gosh. its like im so just emotionally upset and destroyed. just like all my feelings are so screwed up. i dont know what im feeling anymore. im sad. im mad. im just dead inside. im so overwhelmed that i cant...i cant handle this. and all of this is stressing me out which in turn is making my chest hurt. its hurting really bad right now. and its hard to breathe. i feel like im bein crushed. God why do i have to be this way? why? i think im having a panic attack. im scared. i havent had one since i had to go to a dentist appointment and Kari was there. hold on. i need to go lie down. ok. my chest is still hurting. but it hurts most of the time nowadays. its just really bad right now. i dont know where to start. im trying to sort out my feelings so i can write them down. but its really hard. my gosh i miss them so much. i cant stop crying. i love them. and its so hard to accept the fact that they dont. its just like they threw it all away like it meant nothing to them. that everytime they said they loved me...it all meant nothing to them. it was nothing. but i was silly enough to love. and my love was not worthless. it was not fake. i meant something. and its not fair. why do i still have to love? i know that they didnt mean to hurt me...they would never want to hurt me...but they did. im so stupid. i become so attached to people who can be there for me always. and i always get hurt. i should have known that Mal would eventually, unintentionally hurt me. i did know. i didnt want to believe that would ever happen. yanno what the hardest aftereffects of attempted suicide is. once you've tried...it is so easy to try again. because there is no longer the fear. because you know that you CAN do it. the only thing that stops you is yourself. i hate this world. i hate it here. i hate everything about it. i hate it. im not afraid to die. i am sixteen years old. i long for death. ill never make the mistake of trying to take my life again...but i still cant wait for relief. for rest. oh gosh. its happening again. i cant breathe. im tired. i do feel somewhat better. L has been tryin to talk some sense into me...she does a pretty good job.... gosh my chest is killin me. freakin anxiety disorders suck! im so confused right now. i dont know what to feel. wow. confusion. i need time to rest. and pray. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well nothin's really too different lately. cept that i've just decided to stop talkin about it. its not helping. but anyways. went to Jen's surprise goin-away party lastnight. twaz fun. im gonna miss her! i dont want her to move! so sad. yes ok...enough sad stuff. oh and i've just been informed...SHE DOESNT LIKE HIM ANYMORE! oh wait...i guess that could be considered sad too but whatever. ok...im bored. nothin to do. im disappearing now. POOF! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | 'a dream is a wish your heart makes'. oh how true that is. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | goodness i've been coughin all day! it sucks! it wont go away! grrrrrrrr! and on top of that im exhausted. i dunno i wanna write about everything that im feeling. but then again i dont feel like it. i wanna talk. i dont feel like writing. gosh im picky. ha. there is really only a few people i would want to talk to right now. grrrrrrr...im so messed up... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | 'it is not my faith in God that died...it is my faith in you...' -someone |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | dont worry Drew. im not making that mistake. not again. im just very tired. emotionally that is. it might have to do with the fact that im sick and thats really draining me. but mostly its just all my emotions and the lack of emotion at the same time. yanno. there is just so much pain and its starting to really affect me. i mean i know ill survive. i have no doubt about that. i did it once i can do it a thousand more times. right now is just not a good time for me. i've reached my low point. but at least now i know that the only place to go is up. but thanks Drew. you dont know how much it means to me that you cared. we need some more people in the world like you. you're really a great friend. hope i see ya around next semester. now i must go and rest. bein sick sucks. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i have nothing left. nothing left to give. i have no strength. there is nothing. only emptiness. i can feel it. im slipping. its all coming back. just like before. and i cant fight it this time. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | my tears. lost. washed away in the rain of this lonely night. Lord, be with me now. i need you. hold me. i am falling apart. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well today the choir went to sing for some of the elderly people in the nursing homes. that was fun. i loved seeing their faces when we were done with a song. they were all smiling and happy. and they would sing along. and dance along. and it was jsut fun. and even after all that fun im still not feeling good. today just has been a good day for kris's feelings. everything just kinda crept up on me when i wasnt paying attention. or maybe i just didnt have the strength to fight it off. but whatever. im too tired and strained to deal with this. ok. done now. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well im sick still. im not goin to school today. i was like really not sure what to do. im coughin my lungs out but i dont wanna have any chance of takin the exams and i dont wanna come on thursday or friday at all. so now i dunno. i hope i dont have to come those last 2 days. that would really suck. ok well im gonna go rest. im extremely tired. au revoir. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | memories. they are so wonderful. just remembering them makes me so happy. remembering how good i felt. and yet. all those good memories. they haunt me. and i cant hide them this time. i cant let go. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well im still sick. i've been coughing my lungs out. my stomach muscles ache cuz i've been coughin so much. grrrrrrr. it hurts to breath. my nose wont stop running. im weak. im tired. i've been real moody. i want everyone to just shut up. well not everyone. but yeah. nothin really on my mind. well the usual i guess. loneliness. i feel so alone. not thats a bad thing. im the kinda person who likes to be alone...and who likes for it to be silent. but not all the time. not like this. gosh i miss everything so much. i dunno if im reall depressed about it. i still have the memories. and reliving them is so sweet. i love remembering how i felt. my gosh those were such good feelings. such good times. but they are all just memories. and they can never satisfy me. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | My Immortal by Evanescence I'm so tired of being here, Supressed by all my childish fears, and if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone, These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real, There's just too much that time cannot erase, When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, When you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, But you still...have...all of me, You used to captivate me, by your resignating mind, now i'm bound by the life you left behind, Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams, your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me, These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just to real, there's just too much that time cannot erase, When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, but you still...have...all of me I've tried so hard to tell myself that your gone, but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along, When you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, but you still...have...all of me |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | im sick. im tired. im weak. im breaking down. im not trying to hide anything anymore. im not pretending like all the feelings arent there. im going out. goodbye. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | oh man! the concert tonight was awesome! we all sounded so good! oh man it was great! and Carissa and I sang our duet! WOW! it was soooooo good! so much fun! WOOOOOOW! ok...calm down kris. kris is calming! wow. ha! ok! thats all i had to say. HEY IF ANYONE'S bored and wants to do somethin this weekend (NOT ICESKATING!) leave me a message online or somethin! ttyl! adios! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | nothin really new. im just blah. not feeling anything. not sad. not happy. i think im just too stressed out to feel stuff. i dunno. its almost nice. but then again i want to feel. i guess i feel somethings. lonely. thats about it. but cant complain. could be worse. aww well. im gonna watch tv. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i got pissed. i lost it. bad. it was erik. he just pushed me over the edge. he pushed karin. he hit her and pushed her. and that just really pissed me off. omgosh. i just got up and told him not to touch her. and he just got real pissed like he usually does when someone tells him what to do. and he was just like you couldnt touch me. and man i just lost it. i pushed him and just yelled 'wanna bet i cant touch you?!' he thinks he's just so big and bad. he's 13. he's a foot and half shorter than me and about 40 pds lighter. and i've never been a brother who's ever picked on him. i dont like bein mean to people or hurting people. i dont think i've ever really hurt him. and i didnt just now. i just scared him i think. but i know he's hit her more than just once. she told me that he's hit her more than jsut then. and she was crying. and i couldnt stand that. he's treated her like crap since the day she was born. he's always hated her. and anything she says he'll automatically say somethin diragatory about it. and im so sick of it. he doesnt understand what he does. yeah sure afterwards its like...oh ok lets just go on with our lives. but its not that simple for her. i can tell how fed up with it she is. i can see how much it hurts her. im so sick of him hurting her. i told him that if he touches her again i will hurt him. and i plan to. i dont care what happens to me. no one is going to touch her. no one is going to hurt her. cuz i know what happens to people who are abused. i am a living example. the funny thing is that...i didnt have anyone picking on me. i just didnt have anyone to turn to when i was upset. i didnt have anyone to understand me. i was and still am haunted by a pain that doesnt show mercy. you dont know what that can do to someone. well if you know me very well then you might know what it can do. but yeah. i dont wanna talk about this. im going to play the piano. oh joy. IM SINGING O HOLY NIGHT WITH CARISSA! OH ITS GONNA BE SO COOL! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | it hurts. it really hurts alot. i've always had some hope. some wish. that maybe...maybe they'd still miss me. just a little. maybe deep down somewhere there was a part of them that missed me. that still loved me. so that i might be able to find some comfort in that little love that was left. so that it wouldnt hurt when i breathe... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | 'Should i smile cuz we're friends? or cry cuz that's all we'll ever be?' I love that. so true. such a puzzling emotion. kinda like what i feel. for more than one person. sigh. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | its friday. oh yes. much fun. i went and saw The Haunted Mansion with Tenea, Cow, Donkey, and James! it was so much fun! Donkey screamed! hahahaha! it was so funny! ok yeah enough bout that. came home. finished watchin X-Men 2. i dont like that movie. its so sad at the end when that girl dies! very sad movie. it also brings back Kari memories. i remember we were watchin it when i fell for her. we were just in the theater and she said somethin to me that just made me melt so bad. i swear that was one of the happiest moments of my life. i miss that feeling. where a person just makes you feel so helpless cuz they are so sweet but at the exact same time you feel so secure cuz you trust that person so much. because you love that person so much. you what some of the happiest moments now are? when, just for a moment, i can see a flicker of that love in their eyes. and then i melt all over again. its nice to feel it again...even if it's for a second. and even if its not really there. its still great. gosh...THE CANON IN D IS THE BEST SONG EVER! before i die i WILL play this song! i promise! oh goodness it makes me so happy. its like one of those songs that is both happy and sad at the same time. its so wonderful. sigh. i've got it on repeat. i can already play some of it. i must say its not as hard as i thought it would have been. OMGOSH IT IS THE BEST! ok. enough of that. well i guess im done writing for tonight. have a goodnight. bon soir. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well im in a very blah mood. i feel like sick to my stomach with all these feelings. im so stressed out! gosh! it's very frustrating. its like i feel stuff but i dont feel at the same time. its so confusing. gosh i hate this. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! leaving now. i have nothin to say. goodbye. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i read ashley anne's book today. goodness the girl almost made me cry. every feeling she described i understood so well. it was almost like i was reading my thoughts only someone else had written them. ASHLEY I LOVE YOU! you are an awesome person! and you are beautiful ashley! dont ever think that you arent! anyone who tells you that is blind! i feel like i've found someone who can somewhat understand me. even though i dont talk to her as much as i would like...she is such a good person. yeah well i do feel slightly better now. actually im more in one of those moods where you dont feel anything really. im too tired of feelings to feel anything. im still sad about Mal. i miss her sooooo much. i cant even describe how much i do. im very upset about my family. erik and dad just stress me out! and they have forever. they dont even know it. i talked to my mom a little. it helped. somewhat. at least it was nice to talk. she's like the only person in my family i really talk to. i guess its easier to talk to her cuz we have so much in common. we're so much alike its almost scary. i dont talk to my dad much. it bothers him i've found out. i never knew he really cared. or that he wanted me to talk to him. i've never thought about askin him to help with my emotional stuff. i dunno. he's not like me at all. he's not sensitive or anything. i dunno. i guess i just dont think he'd be able to understand as much as mom does. yeah well...ok. im done. blah. i swear i dunno what im feeling. its like...nothin even though i know what feelings are there. im so screwed up. too tired to feel. aww well. this is it for tonight. off to watch 24. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i am proud that i dont let go. that i cant let go. i am proud that my feelings are not meaningless things that i can just throw away. i am proud that my love means something. i am proud that the way i feel is real. i am not ashamed of the way i am. and i am sick of people makin fun of the way i am. i am sick of being called stupid or hopeless or pathetic. im sick of it. dad and i just got in a fight. well actually it was while i was writing this. he gets so pissed at things sometimes. just whenever somethin doesnt work the way he had hoped. he just gets all mad and he displays his anger to everyone. it drives me nuts. i guess it cuz im one of those people who hides his feelings. you dont know how much pain it puts me in when someone is upset. whenever my brother gets pissed at somethin. oh gosh it makes me so upset. or when dad gets mad at somethin. or the family gets mad at eachother and starts yelling. i can not describe how much pain i was just in when dad and i got mad at eachother. i just came out and said that im sick of him gettin mad whenever somethin didnt work (in this case the printer didnt work correctly). which he always gets mad at us kids for gettin pissed at somethin and he does the exact same thing that we do. and i really dont do that much cuz i just choose to keep my anger inside. but gosh im so SICK OF IT! im so sick of all these things. its like you're home shoud be a place where you feel safe and secure. i dont feel safe here...gosh most of the time i just wanna be away from this place. my home is more of a challenge to live in then what you'd really call a home. thats why im so tired. home. on top of everything else. sigh. i want to go away. i want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. blah. im going to bed. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i am soooooooo TIRED! mom and dad are just stressin me out. they dont even know it. erik is really stressin me out bad and he's been doin it forever. he doesnt know it. karin doesnt really stress me out. i dunno. she doesnt do anything to bug me or anything. she doesnt usually make life complicated. then all the feelings i've talked bout a few days ago. i still miss Mal. i cant stop really. its not like Kari where i got super depressed. its just i ache. so bad. i thought it'd be easier to see her and all after we talked on like last tuesday. i dunno...just seein her brings back all those old feelings. all those questions of why? where did the love go? i dunno how to describe it. i guess all i can say is that i miss her. i miss what i had. blah. we're gettin to emotional again. im goin to disappear. au revoir. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well today hasnt been a great day. its been one of those remember and cry days. oh yes...lots of it. Mom is coming back tonight...FINALLY! ill be goin over to a friends house with Karin to go eat dinner and then we're gonna go get Mom...thank goodness. my chest is really hurting today. bad. breathing hasnt been too fun. it hurts. ummm...lets see what else has happened today? ummmm...oh i can play Alicia Keys 'Fallin'' on the piano. i am very proud of myself. so what if Mrs. Rimes showed it to me! or that its only 2 chords through the whole song! hahaha! yeah well. anyways! au revoir! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i still breathe...i still hope...i still dream...i still cry...i still believe...i still love...in silence... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i've been crying. which you probably already know. im so overwhelmed. its not like im stressed...well i guess in a way i am. but its not really Life this time. its my feelings. my emotions. i have never felt like this before. when you've wanted something so bad you'd do anything for it. yeah thats right now. even if its not forever. my gosh i just cant stop. yanno...i just feel like crying. so why not. im sick of trying to hold my feelings in and hide them away. i cannot describe how much my heart aches. i hate crying alone. i want...nvm. i just...i am hurting so much. i so just wanna come out and just spill everything and say it but im too scared to. im afraid of what will happen. which is so stupid...because as long as i wait i will hurt. GOSH! this is so hard. i just wanna talk to someone. well anyone. ok i've said too much already. im goin to bed. tiz late. bon soir. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | the cries of a weary soul. unable to stop these tears of anguish. these tears of a longing that will not die. they fall and no one hears. no one sees. they are the tears of a lost heart. a heart that hopes...that dreams. a heart that lives...haunted by the memories. please Lord...help me...hear my prayer... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | ...it only hurts when I'm breathing...my heart only breaks when it's beating...my dreams only die when I'm dreaming...so I hold my breath...to forget... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | J'ai compris tous les mots, j'ai bien compris, merci...raisonnable et nouveau, c'est ainsi par ici...que les choses ont changé, que les fleurs ont fané...que le temps d'avant, c'était le temps d'avant...que si tout zappe et lasse, les amours aussi passent...il faut que tu saches... J'irai chercher ton coeur si tu l'emportes ailleurs...même si dans tes danses d'autres dansent tes heures...j'irai chercher ton âme dans les froids dans les flammes...je te jetterai des sorts pour que tu m'aimes encore... Fallait pas commencer m'attirer me toucher...fallait pas tant donner moi je sais pas jouer...on me dit qu'aujourd'hui, on me dit que les autres font ainsi...je ne suis pas les autres...avant que l'on s'attache, avant que l'on se gâche...je veux que tu saches... Je trouverai des langages pour chanter tes louanges...je ferai nos bagages pour d'infinies vendanges...les formules magiques des marabouts d'Afrique...j'les dirai sans remords pour que tu m'aimes encore... Je m'inventerai roi pour que tu me retiennes...je me ferai nouvelle pour que le feu reprenne...je deviendrai ces autres qui te donnent du plaisir...vos jeux seront les nôtres si tel est ton désir...plus brillante plus belle pour une autre étincelle...je me changerai en or pour que tu m'aimes encore...... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well...today was kinda weird. i dunno how to explain it. like...ok...i dunno...i felt very like alone today. not like lonely. like no one was talkin to me. well ok. people were. but yeah. its weird. probably my imagination. anyways. i think im going to play piano...one of the few things i really enjoy. you should try it. its fun. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | breathe...just breathe...and let these tears ease my soul... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | there was a time...oh so long ago...when you longed just to be with me. there was a time...a time of joy...when you dreamed of only me. a time...when you loved me....and all you wanted was to hold me. a time...when you could dry every tear. and once upon a time...you could see into my heart...and into my soul. and then i blinKed and you were gone...lost in my greatest mistAke. oh how i long for just one more time. one moRe chance. one more heven. i have missed you everyday. and i still cry....i still cant sleep at nIght. and i still die...each time i see your face. i still hope...for one more moment...for another chance to love. i breathe to see....just one more smile. because i have to dream...through my tears... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | ok i am so sick of my grandparents being here its not even funny! i swear they have just made things so much harder since they came! it was like 10 times easier when erik and karin and i were all alone! cuz for me it was just like takin care of 2 people and myself...then it was takin care of 4 people and myself when my grandparents showed up. now dad's home finally! and i want them to leave. they are supposed to be goin on friday and mom comes back saturday. oh goodness i want mom back so bad! i am gonna try my best not to make it hard for her anymore...or complain or anything! you never know how hard of a job she has until you have to do it all yourself! man...its stressful...and i only had to do it for a 3 weeks! she does it all year! well im off to practice my piano...im supposed to be practicing 4 songs...even if i dont like the songs! sheesh! lol! au revoir! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i miss you... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well today has been pretty boring. yanno how some days are really good cuz somethin happens that you really to happen and then other days are just ok cuz something didnt happen. yeah...thats today. nothin bad happened. just...stuff didnt happen. yeah i would go into detail but i dont feel like spillin. maybe ill do that some other day. can we spell B-L-A-H. ha yeah thats how it is right about now. oh yeah this is my 100th entry...go me. hahaha. well yeah. thats all i have to say. goodnight. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | she never got me to tell her who 'she' is! hehehehe! so easily manipulated! oh its cracks me up! hahahahaha! lets see if she reads it and figures it out! oh man....im so funny! muhahahahahaha! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i cant descibe what im feeling right now. i dunno. all the sudden i just felt like crying. i dunno why really. im not sad. im not depressed. just lonely. if that makes any sense at all. i've just been remembering alot lately. yanno the time between when you get into bed and you fall asleep. thats my time. the time when i think yanno...when i remember...when i dream sorta....cuz i dont dream when im asleep...i dream to me is more me living a perfect moment in my head. its the closest thing to a dream i have. but those moments...gosh i never thought they could ever feel so real. maybe im just desperate for the feeling that i long to feel...loved. i dunno. was there anything i could have done differently? i dunno why i keep thinking its my fault...i just have always felt that there must have been something i could have done. i want her right now. i've been fine for awhile...but i need to feel it again. well its more that i want to feel it again. funny isnt it? my undoing, my weakness...my love. i miss her...and she probably doesnt even know it...she cant tell anymore...and i cant tell her. no matter how much i cry...she wont see. its so crazy everything that has happened between us. i remember the day i found out...ha...that was a great day...it seems like it was just last week. she still is my everything... ...i still cry...i still can't sleep at night...and i still die...each time i see your face...and still i know ill love again... ...through my tears... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | my i do feel strange today. im feeling kinda lonely. but really there's not much goin on. i've just been worried too much about school things. ha. i've actually had some much to do since Grandpa died that i havent had time to worry about stuff. just takin care of everyone. its easier now cuz Dad's home. but still. too busy to worry about anything or to really feel anything. i havent even really had time to cry or anything. well sorta. yeah ok. im just blabbin on a bit. i think ill go and do somethin constructive now. ha. yeah right. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | ok i changed a few things here on my blog. you can still download my GarageBand tunes by clicking on the guitar icon thing over there > and you can download iTunes too. welp...mom's still gone. i miss her. i talked to her last night for a little bit. she needs to hurry up and come back. Dita may come out sometime later this year too. that'd be awesome. we're gonna have so much fun. i cant wait. well must go now. au revoir. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | what lies before me. what stands between. no one can tell me...what i have seen. some see the tarnish. i see the gleam. i have to wonder. i have to dream. one dream can change you. one dream can make...all the difference...one heart can take. i dream of flying. im in midair. i have to wonder...what's out there. the skies the limit. today's the day. heavens are still there...when skies are gray. someday's are better....than they seem. someday's are better...because you dream. on rainbows...two rainbows. i know what i see. i have to wonder. i have to dream... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | goodnight deares...i love you...and every night i wish i could tell you...but all i have are dreams of you...what dreams i have left... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | here is a great poem that James wrote! be sure to check it out in this year's Lit Mag! Only me, hope and wish These days there's nothing to do there is only a me and never a you i wished i was loved like i wanted to be i wished i was loved by more than just me I feel all alone only emptiness in me my family always moans and refuse to treat me as i am, grown i know i am not grown but i am more than a ball to be thrown from wall to wall of this family of mine my rope of hope is almost gone now mearly a twine my only wish is to feel like a family this constant war is hell in my life going back and fourth not knowing what to believe, but then i remember it is only me me who is not loved by anyone else me who wants to hug, but never has felt the love i want to feel from more than just me they all have love, a family of one. i hope for one day a normal life and for all those putrid souls i spit at them with spite and hope that the night of my departure will be taken as easily for them as it will be for me |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | urlLink ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | for a mere second i saw it again...and then it vanished...and i cried... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well just got the iLife '04 software for the Mac. its totally awesome. my favorite app is the GarageBand program! its like this thing that lets you make your own music. i've been using included loops of instruments playing to make my own music. i posted the ones i have so far on my iDisk. just click on the 'GarageBand Tunes' link over there on the right! there you can download the files. oh my favorites are Falling Keys and Flowing Tears. they are in MP3 so most everyone should be able to hear them. if you need a jukebox to play them though you can get a free download of iTunes for the Mac and PC by clicking on the 'iTunes Music Store' link. enjoy the tunes! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | laugh and cry...live and die...life is a dream we are dreaming...day by day I find my way...look for the soul and the meaning...then you look at me...and I always see...what I have been searching for...I'm lost as can be...then you look at me...and I am not lost anymore...people run...sun to sun...caught in their lives ever flowing...once begun....life goes till it's gone...we have to go where it's going...and you say you see...when you look at me...the reason you love life so...though lost I have been...I find love again...and life just keeps on running...and life just keeps on running...you look at me and life comes from you... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | will you ever look my way...will you ever smile at me...will you ever hug me...will you laugh with me...will you cry with me....will you trust me....will you believe in me...will you love me....again...? |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i have never really just been close to my dad. i mean its never been like i dont like him. he's just nothin really like me. i dont have much in common with him. but yanno he still cool and all...i've just never been really close to him. i've always been closer to my mom. cuz she's alot like me. her personality is alot like mine and we think alike...cept on cleaning my room...hehehe. well gosh...my parents have been gone for a week. and i really miss them. my mom wont be coming home for a few week or two...but dad's comin home monday morning. and i cannot wait for him to come home. i swear i am gonna give him the biggest hug when he comes back. this has just been a whole lot to handle. i mean i've had to just take care of my brother and sister the whole week. its not as easy as you'd think. woulda been alot easier if it was just me. and then my grandparents came and they arent really sure what's supposed to be goin on cuz they dont live here so i have to still make sure everything gets done. its like takin care of 4 people. its not the easiest thing ever. I NEED A VACATION! well i guess if i just wait till spring break and i get to go to Paris, Versailles, and London! OH DANG! got my passport papers all worked out and im leavin on like march 17! i cant wait! oh yes and my sister is so cool! i just realized it today that she really isnt as much of a loser as i thought! hahaha! she's a pretty awesome person. yeah i love her. thats right i said it...I LOVE MY SISTER! hahaha! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | the world seems so cold...when I face so much all alone...a little scared to move on...and knowing how fast I have grown...and I wonder just where I fit in...the vision of life in my head...I can't let go now...even when darkness surrounds...but if I hold on...I will show the world...all the things that you never expected to see...from little old me...and I wonder just where my place is...close my eyes and I remind myself this....... I will be...strong on my own...I will see through the rain...I will find my way...I will keep on...traveling this road...till I finally reach my dream...till I'm living and I'm breathing...my destiny... it comforts me...it keeps me...alive each day of my life...always guiding me...providing me...with the hope I desperately need.....well I gotta believe...there's something out there meant for me...I get on my knees...praying I will receive...the courage to grow and the faith to know....... that I will be...strong on my own...I will see through the rain...I will find my way...I will keep on...traveling this road...till I finally reach my dream...till I'm living and I'm breathing...my destiny... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | the kindness still tortures me...and they dont know...its tearing my heart out... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | yanno i am so sick of everything. i keep trying to like guess whats gonna happen next. or i try to figure out what i want to happen next and stuff...its stupid. i give up. Lord...just do that little thing where you make everything cool again... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i do feel better now. so many people are happy around me. so many people that i love dearly. i dunno if i did anything for them but it doesnt matter...as long as they're happy. its so wonderful to see people you used to be close to...and they're happy...and smiling....it hurts too but its still wonderful. i dont mind hurting if they are happy. ha. i doubt any of them even read this anymore. i love them. some of them probably dont even know it...or just dont want me to. i've been wallowing alot lately. maybe its that grandpa died. i dunno. i've just been remembering everything. reliving everything i've experienced...the good and the bad. reliving the bad hurts...but in a way i want to relive it again. i dont want to forget them because they make me stronger. and the good...they make me smile and cry at the same time. i cant even explain how real they are...the memories...i can just bring them back to life...and i can feel everything...its like im there again. i wish i could just stop in those moment and never leave. just to hold on to that feeling forever and never let it go. but its like holding your breath...you can hold it for awhile but eventually you have to let it go. i just hope that its the feeling i hold as i someday take my last breath: peace |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | i feel so helpless. i cant help any of the people i love. i cant. i dont know how. i try hard but it just never helps. it hurts so bad and its so frustrating. its like all around i can see all these people hurting. and i cant make them feel any better....no matter how hard i try i just cant. i'd do anything to help them...to help her. she's always been there for me and i cant help her. i promise that i try. but its not helping. i just keep screwin things up...i cant make them happy. and now comes a new pain. one i havent felt before. my chest pains have come back but this is new. its not physical at all. even though at times its caused physical stuff. its like a torture...its kindness. a kindness that tortures me. sometimes i feel it again. just for a moment. a few seconds. but in those seconds i feel so good....so relaxed...i feel loved. its there. just a flash of it in the eyes. that look that just makes you melt. and you're at peace. and then its gone. and you realize that it was only a shadow. just a false hope. and that is the worse form of torment. the kindness that tortures me...and the kindness that makes the rest of the world just disappear... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | he's gone. i found out this morning when i woke up and my mom was crying. now i can feel how much everything that has happened to me has just sucked out my emotions. i havent cried. i know im going to miss him...and im sad. im not really that sad though. i dont feel much at all. i dunno if thats a bad thing. i've only cried for everyone i know who is sad. i've been doing that alot lately but especially today. i just want to make my mom feel better. i want my Dita to stop crying. and i cry because i cant make them happy. im always upset whenever i cant help someone. its cuz im a freakin codependent. i cant be happy unless everyone else around me is happy...sorta like that. i feel just so...nothing....there is just nothing. i just want to go into a corner and wallow...ha. ya ever just wanna just lie around maybe on the couch or on your bed and just hear someone you love talking...just their voice...i want to hear her voice... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | when you told me i was beautiful...that was when i knew i loved you. whatever happened to that? where did it go...how was it lost? i miss you...more than you could ever know. but though i can never have you...i know that i will love again...through my tears... there might be hope...Lord please let there be hope.... 'i am so tired of the tears shed at night'...Drew i still cry...even though i know God will make it ok...and i am not ashamed of it. maybe it will prove to so many people that my feelings are real and not mere shadows... ELLEN HESTER YOU RUINED 5 PIZZA'S! ok maybe 4 since Ashley did burn that other one...BUT STILL! and i didnt 'squeal' everytime you messed one up! hahahaha! yes i did look pretty good in that apron didnt i! lol! goodnight my dearest friends... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | goodnight child. please try and sleep. dont cry. dont worry about me. ill be ok. do what you heart tells you to do. i love you so much. you are still my closest friend. you've been there for me for so long...and i know you will still be there until the end. thank you for everything you have ever given me. thoughts of you have kept me breathing. have given me hope. our friendship has been neverending...and nothing will ever destroy it. i would go to the ends of the earth and into hell itself for you...as i know you do for me. goodnight my dearest. dont stay up too late reading... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | im feelin blah right now. i dunno why really? im feelin lonely. not depressed...just lonely. course that might be that there is no one in this house at the moment except Erik. oh yes loads of great company there! ha! i doesnt really matter. i mean i love my family and everything thing. but they dont make me feel any less lonely. i dunno why. guess im just screwed up. what else is new? hehehe...so...i think im gonna go watch a movie. maybe. i have no idea what i wanna do. anything. as long as i got someone with me. anyone wanna come over and watch a movie?!? hahahaha! well im off. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | IM DORY! thats so awesome! i love Dory! she's my favorite character! hahaha! im so excited...this is pathetic...a silly little quiz has made my day...hehehe! oh i love it! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | urlLink What Finding Nemo Character are You? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | just breathe. breathe. dont give up. dont lose hope. breathe. dont stop breathing. dont stop believing. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | pleurent pas le petit enfant. je suis ici. toujours par votre côté. je partirai pas. je tournerai pas loin. je vous abandonnerai pas en votre heure du besoin. souriez, petit enfant pour moi serai avec vous toujours. je serai votre force. je vous élèverai vers le haut quand vous êtes vers le bas. je vous mènerai quand vous êtes détruit. je vous donnerai l'espoir quand tout autrement est détruit. et quand tout le congé de tour vous, triste et seul, je sera là avec ma main tendue. je vous montrerai l'éternité et vous donnerai mon amour. mon amour qui ne blessera pas. mon amour qui ne se trouvera pas. mon amour qui ne mourra pas. ainsi pleurent pas le petit. ne cachez pas. la prise juste ma main...et ont la foi. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well today was the first day of school. i dunno bout this semester. choir is gonna be awesome. its the only class i enjoy. i love music. so much. and i adore the piano. well health there is like no one in there and its boring. history is the same way. hon. english is ok. i dont like mrs yarbrough too much. the class is gonna have alot of work in it. but i do know a bunch of people in there. L is in there! ha! now thats fun! that class is goin to be VERY interesting. yeah. now about me? im doin alright. i cant say im totally just happy and all. im better. im not depressed anymore. in some ways i feel good and relieved. and then in others im tired from everything i've went through in the past 2 years. my goodness! 2 years! i cant believe its been that long! it all feels like it was just yesterday. its crazy. yes. well im exhausted. 6:00 is too early to wake up. goodnight everyone. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well its monday! oh joy! that means tomorrow is our last day of freedom! and i still have to finish my notecards for honor english! GOODNESS! maybe L will let me 'borrow' hers! hehehe! fat chance. well i've been pretty much bored all day. nothin really goin on. i am makin up some of this mexican chili bean stuff! mmmmmmm...it smells so good. my grandpa came up with it. its actually very good...if you like mexican food. yeah grandpa isnt doin so well. he's in the hospital again. he's probably not gonna last too much longer. its sad i guess. im really gonna miss him. but at least he'll be free. and hopefully ill see him again someday. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well back from Florida. dont i sound just thrilled. ha. actually i am pretty happy to be back. i like home. notice i didnt say i like Alabama...hehehe. didnt really do much that i enjoyed while we were down there. i dont really like goin much anymore. it was cool at first but then it kinda became a family tradition and it lost all the excitement. i dunno. my dad loves goin down there so i dont say anything. if it makes him happy then i guess i can stand it for a week. really the best part about it was walkin on the beach. 4 MILES! TWICE! and i was alone! and it was quiet! well sorta. i didnt have to be around anyone in my family so there was no one around to stress me out! ah heaven! well for 2 hours. yes thats right 2 hours...i enjoyed my walks. cept for the old ladies in bikinis. oh man that was nasty! YUCK! yes well needless to say i didnt really just love my vacation. it was more of takin my family (which already stresses me out...cept for Karin) and puttin them into a smaller space. oh yes lemme tell ya it was just peachy. i need a vacation from my 'vacation'. aw well. at least i have my piano again! i've been makin up my own Canon in D. i just listen to different parts from different versions and put 'em together. its lovely. i think i shall be off to bed in a bit. im runnin on caffeine. i think thats how you spell it. and Marbles is outside. she better come back before i go to bed otherwise she'll be havin a camp out. aw well. she deserves it. she played me! she was all nice a sweet and we loved eachother and then she just ditches me! now she sleeps in Erik's bed! i was just one of those one night stand things...that was actually more than one night but thats besides the point! its ok. we still make out occasionally hehehehe! ok enough bout my personal life! GOODNIGHT EVERYONE! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | if only i could stop messin up...i am such a jerk... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | im so tired beyond belief. man. im exhausted. i tried to take a nap earlier but that didnt work to well. i can barely sleep at night let alone during the day. goodness. talk about emotionally strained. yanno emotions can really be a pain sometimes. they really can screw you up. emotions are really kinda cool. they're just feelings but look at how much they affect us. somethin happens and we can get mad and that anger will drive our actions. or somethin terrible happens and we get sad. and that sadness will just bring ya down. or maybe someone tells a joke or somethin just awesome happens and nothin can ruin the happiness you feel that day. thats just amazing how emotions can take us to the highest peaks and deepest depths of life. sometimes i hate it. cuz i hate feeling that im not in control of what is happenin around me or not in control of my feelings. ha! unfortunately i let my emotions affect me too much. i guess it can be a good thing but lately i think its been bad. im feeling so much right now. frustration. anger. fear. confusion. desperation. and all of it is just really stressin me out. blah. im falling apart...piece by piece...note by note. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | why do i keep messin up? why cant i do anything right? why am i such a loser? ever just hate yourself? yeah thats me right bout now. gosh. not only am i in so much pain i cant describe it to you...but im such a jerk! ARGH! i just want to scream! i want to talk to someone so bad. i want to scream everything i feel to someone...and i want a response! thats what i want! i want someone to say somethin back to me! i want to know someone cares. please. i dont know who to talk to though. im so tired of waiting. so tired of sitting here. my heart wants somethin so bad. comfort. please God...i need comfort. im such a lost stupid boy. i dont know what to do. im so lost. im very 'off-key' in my life right now. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | well today has been fairly uneventful. the highlight was runnin down to the church building to help paint some stuff for the Forever Young Banquet. it was a ton of fun. we got covered in paint! cept for Morgan! she was soooooooo careful. and of course the fumes started to get to us and we were all kinda...loopy! lol...only time i think it wouldnt be weird to be high in church! hahaha! oh yes it was loads of fun! and we had Kenzie and veggie tales to keep us entertained! twaz great to have some fun times. yep. sho was. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | hmmm...well today is thursday. yep. sho is. pretty boring. choir was awful this morning. i couldnt sing crap. i got all this congestion ((betcha really wanted to know about that)) and i can barely squeak out the notes. we did absolutely nothin in health. we all had to go down to the gym and sit on the bleachers for a fabulous 96 minutes. oh yes it was just loads of fun. so what did kris do...? well i put together this silly research paper folder thing for mrs yarbrough and then i slept. sorta. i 'rested'. history we took a ton of notes. b-o-r-i-n-g! yarbrough just made us go to the library to work on our paper. thats bout the most fun i had that day. lol! Veronica, L, and i sat at a table and talked bout OCD! aww man it was funny! and then on the way back we pretended like we had OCD and we couldnt walk on the lines in the floor and if we did we had to go back! oh man! lol...we would some pretty stupid OCD people! hehehe! lets see...then after school there was a rehearsal for our Orlando trip/competition. ha. it was nice to have a decent guy section that could sing! finally! for once it didnt sound like i was singing by myself! course im not really lookin forward to goin on the trip. i dunno. it doesnt sound like its gonna be that great....mainly cuz we have some musical theater 'cliques' coming. i know that sounds kinda negative...and yeah it probably is...most of the musical theater people are really nice...but there are a few that are really stuck up and think they're just sooooo cool. it drives me nuts. like i said...its only like a couple of them...not all of them. but it bugs me...specially since some of them used to be my friends. its so funny how quickly they forget you. aww well. it happens. anyways...so im not really jumpin to go. but hey might as well. yes. well. im as confused as ever. and im frustrated cuz im confused which is probably my fault which is probably what i deserve cuz im really stupid sometimes and half the time im a jerk and GRRRRRRRR! ok. yeah. like i said im frustrated. so im gonna go and do i dunno what...adieu... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | if i could just hold you...i would never hurt you...i would be your shield...your comfort...i would not look away...i would be there when you cry...and i would make you smile...if only i could hold you again... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | im feelin real frustrated. i dunno. maybe i should just give up. i really dont want to. but yanno how when you try so hard to do somethin and then after trying and trying you just get worn out. im tired. im worn out. im tryin not to give up. i cannot give up on what my heart tells me. i need to pray. man. anxiety level is up again. hasnt been like this in awhile. but i cant complain. anxiety comes and goes. and i havent started havin chest pains or panic attacks yet so i'd say im actually handling my fatigue and frustration fairly well. better than i would have a couple months ago. i was just thinkin about that. i've come a long way since before. it hasnt even been a year since i was severly depressed and stressed out and i am so much better. i am so thankful for that. i hope those people that helped know that i am so thankful that i know them. ha. half of them probably dont even know that they helped. yanno...sometimes just talkin to someone...just bout nothin at all...can really help them. you dont know how much it means to a person when you notice them. when you smile at them. when you hug them. just when you say hi to them. i can still remember a few months ago when L said 'hey kristopher' when i walked into church on that wednesday. it was during the time when i was really depressed. and you dont know how much that meant that she noticed me. like Carissa said 'you just dont know...'. i love Carissa. she reminds me of myself. she's such a good person. it makes me sick when these bad things happen to good people. well i've said a lot so im gonna go to bed. i dont wanna go to school tomorrow. ha. what else is new. well goodnight everyone. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | Tenez-la quand je ne peux pas. Sourire sur elle quand je ne peux pas. Chantez-elle quand je ne peux pas. Dansez avec elle quand je ne peux pas. Élevez-la vers le haut quand je ne peux pas. Aimez-la quand je ne peux pas. Mon Dieu, veuillez être là quand je ne peux pas... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | Days of Our Extraterrestrial Lives Written by Kari Doubleday With regards to Kristpher Bjorkman Once upon a time, as the sun faded from sight on the planet Bronkitius, a knock on a stained, wooden door echoed into the coming night. A squeak. Silence. Slowly, a small, blonde head peeked out of the slightly opened door. A look of utter annoyance spread over the sapphire blue face of Daelix Smith. She opened the door wider, but still continued to stand inside the house. “What do you want, Hubo?” she asked, not hiding the fact that she clearly did not what him on her doorstep. “Please, Daelix, cant we just talk like civilized Quivos?” he pleaded, not wanting to give up. One of Daelix’s five hands lifted and slapped Hubo’s ugly green face, leaving a purple imprint of a three fingered hand. “WHY DID I DESERVE THAT?!” he asked in utter rage. “Oh, you thought that I wouldn’t find out about you and VIRDE, did ya? Oh yes, mister, I found out that you two slept together and that your carrying her baby!” she shouted and the proceeded to slam the door in his face. Hubo shouted a few choice words at the closed door, and the stormed off down the street. Daelix, on the other hand, walked calmly into her bedroom, where her own lover was laying. “You tell him, girlfriend!” he said, an impish grin on his handsome face. Daelix sat down on the bed, they kissed, and well, night came. The sun crept up the ever so slightly opened window. Daelix and her lover took no notice. Around midday, Daelix awoke, took a shower, got dressed, and went to the kitchen to make coffee. A torn piece of paper lay on the counter. Written in pink ink stated that Daelix’s lover had gone back to his house so his wife wouldn’t be suspicious. Also written were words of romance that one other than Daelix herself would not want to read. As Daelix went to sit down on the couch and watch her favorite soap opera, there was a crash through the skylight and glass shattered all around her. A man dressed in a black cape put a sock in Daelix’s mouth and a mask over her eyes. Too much was happening at once, therefore causing her to faint. The sun went down again on planet Bronkitius, but Daelix did not know for she was on a space shuttle headed for the deep depths of space (dun dun dun). As the confusing cleared from Daelix’s mind, a face appeared in front of her. “You thought you could hide from me, Daelix Smith. I think not! You are now in my grasp and the entire world will obey my every command! Well, once we get to Caladone!” an evil laugh rose from the creature. “Who are you, sir?” she asked, afraid for her life. “Oh of course! I always forget introductions! My name is Verboosta, the evil villain that you always hear about that always ends up losing with the hero, but no this time! NO NOT THIS TIME! I will prevail!” an exotic gleam rose in one of his fifteen eyes. Daelix sat in wonder, contemplating on what she should do next. There was no one to save her now. She was somewhere unknown to her. A lively tune played over the intercom, singing “Lost in Outer Space,” and sung by the famous Christoph Clar. Daelix banged her head against the wall, trying to block out the sound. The door then sprung open and the most unlikely person came into the room. It was none other than HUBO! Daelix’s jaw went down upon seeing her ex. She noticed the faint colour of a bruise across his face, although he had tried hiding it with some green paint, which he failed miserably at. Trying to put two and two together, all Daelix could muster was a few incomprehensible words. “Yes, Daelix, my dear, it is me. I tried to warn you that Verboosta was after you, but no, you just wouldn’t listen. I can stay here and rescue you, saving the universe from utter destruction, or perhaps I can just leave you here to be ruled by Verboosta.” Hubo nodded toward Verboosta. A look on Verboosta’s face showed no shock. He stepped out of the corner, with a twinge of laugher on his face. “Ahh, Hubo! You too, I see. Finally, I can have the whole family here at last. Well, except for your mother, God rest her soul. You have met your sister, Daelix, I presume on that planet you have both been dwelling, Bronkitius, I believe it was called.” Disguest spread over Daelix and Hubo’s faces. They looked at eachother, then at Verboosta, then toward the painting of the glamorous Quivo woman hanging above the fireplace, and then back at eachother. “Family? Us? What? Are you trying to tell me that HE is my brother, and that you…you are my…father?” Daelix managed to get out of her shaking lips. “Why yes, of course we are family! Sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner, but you know how it is, blowing up planets here, blowing up planets there. Hard work being a villain.” Verboosta said like it was the obvious thing. He looked once more at his two children, and then left the room. Daelix and Hubo shivered at the thought of them being siblings. They had been a little too close that what brother and sister should be. “I think I’m going to be sick.” Cried Daelix. She ran into the bathroom and vomited. “Me too.” Hubo agreed. He too ran to the other bathroom. Many minutes passed before they both came out of the bathrooms, feeling a little better than before. They made there way to the control room where there father was conducting his evil master plan. “Well, kids, we are planning on resurrecting your dead mother. It should work now that I have you two!” he turned back to his controls and continued working. Daelix and Hubo shrugged their shoulders and went for some coffee. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | is there still a place for me there...my place? is there a place for me in that broken heart? |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | it is very late and James and I have created a soap opera based on our seperate lives. We're gonna call it Young Wood. Casting calls will be announced at a later date. If interested please contact Kristopher Bjorkman or James Calhoun. Thank you. |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | it is now but a memory. a memory that has passed...and yet it still lives. alive only in me. a haunting reminder of what was almost to be. an undying memento that i loathe. it will forever breathe within me and though i try to forget...it will never leave. never will i forget the agony of the pain. nor the silent tears that fell. nor the desperate cries for help in the shadows of the night. never will i forget the despair of a desperate heart. nor the cruel menace of a hopeless soul. i shall never forget my crimson desire. yet this strife was not in vain. for through this trial i have felt the solace of my Lord. the unending peace that He freely gives. and though i know that i will fall...i can forever trust that He will always catch me. and through the fires and the storms i may know that my everlasting Sanctuary will not forsake me. for when i am weary with sorrow...He will give me rest. and when i am weaping with anguish...He will wash away my every tear. and when i slip into the the darkest depths of grief...He will raise me up. and so in silence i will relive my memories of hopelessness. in the quiet of the night i will still cry. but they will not be tears shed in despair. instead they will be tears shed in joy. tears of hope. and faith will see me through...and i will live to hear His symphony everyday. His symphony entitled Life. and i will not regret...i will breathe each day remembering...my tear-filled requiem... |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | James would like to add the HOTTEST 'old' lady. EnvyOfPain21: GOSH! SHES LIKE NUMERO UNO! James's number one hottest 'old' lady is SHANIA TWAIN! |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | you said it would never happen to you. then it happened. and you said 'why?'. now you know what it feels like. the confusion. the desperation. maybe im bitter. maybe im harsh. but in a way you got what you deserve...so why do i feel sorry for you...? |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | The 15 Hottest 'Old' Women 1. catherine zeta-jones 2. jennifer garner 3. carmen electra 4. sandra bullock 5. jennifer anniston 6. nicole kidman 7. michelle pfeiffer 8. halle berry 9. courtney love 10. gwyneth paltrow 11. meg ryan 12. naomi watts 13. julia roberts 14. janet jackson 15. queen latifah |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | 'Christianity is not about perfection. It's about direction' -from Haley's away message |
2,219,341 | male | 16 | Student | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | today has been ok. nothin really great. but nothin really bad so i cant complain. i said the other day that i wanted to talk about some stuff. i guess now's as good a time as any. the retreat was absolutely wonderful...but it brought back memories. one of my friends...someone who i really care about had been...hurting himself secretly. i wont name him. but he had been cutting himself. and he showed me. he was upset about it and he really regretted doing it. but seein that just brought back so many terrible memories. and i cried when i could find a place to be alone. i dunno. just seein cuts on someone's arms...i mean he wasnt trying to kill himself at all...but it just reminded me of what i almost did such a long time ago. its scary. i mean so many people have asked 'how could someone ever want to kill themselves?'...most of them dont know that sitting right across from them is me. trust me. they dont wanna understand how. i wish that i didnt know what it felt like. i mean i dont feel that way anymore...but the memory of that hopelessness is still there. i have you ever thought about hopelessness. to have no hope. its the most terrible feelings ever. to not have any dreams. no desire. nothing. as far as i am concerned there is nothing worse. im done. i dont wanna talk about this anymore. not in the mood. i've been in a really good mood lately. no sense in ruining it. well i think ill be off to bed. bon soir. |
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