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1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,May,2004 | TGIF, seriously this week just needs to stop, it's the weekend, and I can just chill out, get sleep and have fun. I just think it funny that I can think and feel one way and everyone else around me decides to think that I'm thinking or feeling the exact opposite way. I actually just don't get it. I'm percieved as someone I don't want to be and as someone I'm not. Yes I'm lazy, but I don't lack effort, I always give 100%, always. I hate the fact that people don't think I do and it seriously makes me cry to know people think that, it makes me feel like I have no point in trying if people are going to think that way about me after everything. Yes, I may be tierd, but that doesn't mean I'm not giving effort because I always do and always always try to. I also don't like the fact that people are trying to tell me how to act and that I basically need to change. I may not have the same motivation aspects as some, but that doesn't mean I'm not motivated, I just do it a little differently then everyone else. Urgh I think it makes it 10 times worse when one, people are saying I'm being a certain way, when I'm not or not trying to, and they're not even telling me. Second when my mom tries to come into the situation and tell me what she thinks how I'm acting and that I need to change it. She doesn't know anything about the sport, she's not on the field, she shouldn't be telling me what the fricken do. Urgh. So frusturated. Whatever all my frustration and tierdness and everything else bugging me is now out the window and tomorrow will be a new day, and it's prom and I'm going to have a lot of fun no matter what. All I know is that once Friday hits, everything else is done and over, TGIF. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 13,May,2004 | Wow, this really has been a long week. It started out really good and exciting, and then come Wed. it just stopped and I just wanted to collapse and die. I'm asuming it's because of my lack of sleep, and yes the amount of sleep I have gotten is a lack for me, I sleep all the time, I need it. But ya I don't know, I just had a major mood change and I feel bad. Like 5 people have been like why are you so depressed today and they're like you never smile, and that actually makes me feel worse, because I don't want to come off that way. I've never been that kind of person, I've always been someone with a smile on their face. I guess it's just that with lack of sleep for me and with me doing two sports at once with school and tests and a social life, it just hits me sometimes and I just want to stop or want like one thing to really just calm me down and make me happy. And then when I don't get that one thing, I am crabby. I think when I get this way, I become very pestimistic and think everything the wrong way and believe someone isn't doing something all because of me or how I'm acting. I take something insignificant that really really shouldn't bug me at all and have it rip me apart inside. For that rate I'm sorry for being selfish because I totally feel like I am, I feel like everything should be about me when it shouldn't at all, or at least that's how I feel towards certain people, and if I am percieved that way, I'm sorry. I guess I just wish I was able to handle everything without getting so emotional and upset and without getting so stressed out, because it doesn't help anything at all. I guess I just want to say I'm sorry for being stand offish and sorry for being pushy and seeking attention if I have been. Hmmmm I guess when I don't get what I want when I'm crabby and tierd, it'll just make everything worse and either I blame it on myself or other people. Oy. I just wish certain things and certain people didn't effect me and my feelings so much. On the lighter note, my soccer team won our first game of the season today 2-0 against Wayzata, it was hot. It's ironic though because because soccer and games and what not I'm always complaining and being like man I don't want to go at all, and then I play and then I'm happy and really glad I did. I'm sooooo excited for that summer. Prom in 2 days (counting sat)!!! I'm extremely excited. :) Oati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | Ya, I know I defiently wrote the 2nd one over because I didn't think it had published.... BUT LOOK COMMENTS! :) |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,May,2004 | |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,May,2004 | Ok, don't get me wrong, I love comments, they just apparently don't like me, tear :`( Where'd they go? On a lighter note, I just had a sunday from DQ! And there is a FREE Jason Mraz concert on Friday!!!! Oh and I have a game Wed and Fri for lax and a game on Thurs for soccer and then Sat is prom!!! And I'm going to the Twins game tomorrow!! Yeah! Best week ever and I'm expecting it to go that way! Just keep the good things coming! If only I had my comments :( |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,May,2004 | Ya don't get me wrong, I love comments... they just apparently don't like me, tear :`( Where'd they go? On a lighter note, I just had a sunday from DQ and there's a free Jason Mraz concert on Friday!! And I'm going to the Twins game tomorrow! And then I have a game on Wed. and Fri. for lax and then a game on Thurs. for soccer and then saturday is prom! Yeah, what a good week, and I'm expecting it to be! I just wish I had my comments, :( |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,May,2004 | Man today was so nice out and it made it even better because as of yesterday it was supposed to rain!! And I was outside for a lot of it tonight, not exactly for the reasons I wanted, but heck it was nice. It's funny because I get so tierd after school and then after lacrosse that when I have soccer and go to soccer after that, I just don't care. I feel bad because people are actually trying, and it's not like I don't want to try, I'm just soooooo tierd and just want to sleep. I think I'm going to have to work on my motivation level for that sport.... hmmmm. We get to make an opera in AP US and Mrs. Page cried from laughing today, that was the best moment of my life. My blog is pink! Yeah! I like comments, leave me some! Oats |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,May,2004 | My stomach is in knots and my head is full of slim. I'm sick of thinking and sick of feeling the way I do. But at the same time I can't get rid of it, everything is stuck in me and doesn't want to leave, nothing will leave me alone, but I guess that's what they mean when they say you can't ignore how you feel. You can't, and if you try, it'll haunt you and hit you even worse. Don't ignore a situation, take it with you and make it better, don't ignore that feeling you have, in your stomach, in your head, or in your heart. Take all those feelings, compile them together to make something great that allows every situation to be possible. Make the best of something you have while favoring everything you feel. Don't say your head means more than your heart, don't say your gut means more than your head, just do something that wont hurt your head, heart, or gut while still helping you and others around you. Don't ignore other people or their feelings and don't be ignored by yourself. It's the simple things in life we forget You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said Why do you make something so easy so complicated Searching for what's right in front of your face But you can't see it |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,May,2004 | Flowers bloom with the florescent smell surrounding your nose. Thunderstorms get a 75% chance of happening throughout the day and the rain brings a hot steamy refreshing smell. Children are flying kites and learning to ride two-wheelers, while mothers watch with pride and take their time to relax. The temperature gets up to at least 70 degrees and because of that people are now wearing shorts and t-shirts and their skirts are becoming even shorter. The sun is vibrant and the skies shimmering in light blue just make you smile. All the signs point out that summer is near. However, you officially know summer has come or is near when your skin starts to change color and shade. After being out in the sun for 2 hours and forgetting to put on sun screen because it's only the beginning of May, your once milky white skin tone transforms into a shinny lipstick red. Your once singled colored skin is now multi colored with fire colors that no water color could subdue. Lines are made vertically and horizantally and many look like they had just gotten hit with a tomato. Yet, when you can look like this and still fit in with everyone else, you know you're not the only dumbass who forgets about lotion that protects you from golden ball hanging there ruthlessly in the sky. You really know summer has come. It's funny because my arms are burnt and and so are my shoulders, but for some reason about 6 inches of the top of my arms decided to hide themselves from the sun even though I was wearing a tank top, I have a farmers tan but with colored shoulders too. It doesn't make sense. My face is also very very red.... it kind of hurts. I'm so going to look hot for prom now.... : / hmmmmm, meh oh well. My comments don't work, I don't get that either.... that makes me sad. Kt |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,May,2004 | “There’s the wind up, the pitch, and a swing and a miss.” As the announcers say, baseball may have its misses, but still has many hits at that too. The time of year has come for baseball fanatics to show their spirit as the peak of the season starts. However, much is missed by those who just don’t appreciate the quality of professional baseball. Those discriminate towards baseball first need to realize the cheapness of the sport. Most professional sports become very scaley in price, even for nose-bleed seats, such as Vikings tickets that cost _____. However, if you go on a Wednesday night to a Twins game, upper-level seats are only $3.00 for students and hot dogs are only a dollar. Even on a regular night to a Twins game, the cheapest tickets are only $5.00. Baseball is also very fun, yet at the same time it is still a very relaxing sport. Opposed to basketball where you’re on your toes the whole time, watching the ball go back and forth, and football where you can just feel the ache and pain when someone gets hit, baseball allows you to just sit, watch and enjoy. Some of the only times fans get really excited in baseball is when the person next to them gets hit by a ball or some random fan goes streaking naked across the field. However, if people see the relaxation aspect of baseball as boring, this could all be greatly fixed by the fans. Some of the excitement of baseball is already created by the fans. There’s the wave, which is always fun to start, loud cheering and music, and the beach ball that always ends up in the outfield and taken away by security. Some fans, as we have seen, even progress to nudity. However, if this is not enough, it’s always fun to see people dressed in big, goofy costumes and pretend they are actually what they wear, such as Batman. Someday, this could be you. Even if fans need to spice up the game a little bit, baseball is a great sport to watch, relax, and socialize all at the same time, at a very affordable price. The fact that baseball has been around forever, and continues as a traditional sport, not only shows that fans have had their eye on the ball, but on the game too. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,May,2004 | The lost art of kissing By William D. Hicks Kissing plays an obvious and important role in romance. It’s often the first time many people know they’re in love — quickened pulse, butterflies, maybe even fireworks. But kissing seems to be a lost art form these days. Ready to reclaim it? Anyone who masters these eight techniques to becoming a kissing master deserves a second date: Towel off Kisses are not meant to be wet. Sure, lips are intrinsically moist, but no one wants to kiss fish lips. Moisturize Lips that are dry or chapped feel like kissing sandpaper. Find a favorite lip balm and get into the habit of using it often. Freshen up If garlic and onions have to accompany every meal, make sure you carry breath spray or mints with you at all times. Excuse yourself before you start to pitch woo and give your breath a boost! Shut up First dates are not the place to practice your French kissing skills. While some people love to French kiss, others do not. It's way too intimate, and first dates should leave 'em wanting more. Tantalize Small, strategic kisses on the ears, lips and neck can be as effective — or more effective — than a long, lingering kiss that lasts a lifetime. Be creative Kissing is more than locked-lips; it can entail nibbling, licking and caressing someone's lips. You can also use your hands on their back, face, lips or hips to add an extra level of sensation to any kiss. Focus Concentrate on the kiss. Close your eyes and enjoy the sensation of lips on yours. Let your mind go; be in the moment. Stop No means no. If a date shies away from kissing on the first date, don't press the issue. Leave something to look forward to on the next date. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 30,June,2004 | I don't like being restained from doing stuff because of money. I really don't like looking for a job or trying to get one all because of money. I wish money grew on trees. Jay-Z has a watch that is worth more than my house and cars combined, probably more than that too. Dude a watch! How pathetic. k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,June,2004 | Mornings suck when you get a note from your mom basically yelling and demanding to get a job even though you have been trying all along. To make it worse it sucks when you then have to fight with your sister to see who gets the fricken car. Mornings suck when this all happens within 10 minutes of being awake. Maybe it's my fault though for not even waking up in the morning, but in the afternoon..... Mornings are good when you get a surprise right when you wake up (I personally don't think that has ever happened to me, but still I know it would be sweet). Mornings are also really good when you wake up from a call by that special someone or just anyone special in your life. Those calls make me smile. I like the mornings when you wake up to good food or expecting good food, those mornings just make you happy for the rest of the day. I like sleeping but if I am able to wake up to something that makes me happy or smile, nothing is better. : ) Oh and I'm going to a lacrosse camp in NEW YORK! So excited, I'll rant about it some more later. Kakes |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 28,June,2004 | Hmmmm is it just me or does it seem like everyone has sex on their minds? I mean ok, what's new? But now people are actually expressing their feelings about it and talking about it. I've never had so many conversations and read so much dealing with sex in my life. Maybe it's because it's summer now and fligs and the romantic atmosphere can be set easier so people automatically think about sex. Maybe it's the whole 'I wanna have sex on the beach.' Meh, who knows, all I know is that sex is taking over the world. I'm not gonna lie, I kind of like it, haha, nah. I think it's funny though because the most comments I've gotten in a long time were with my blog where I mentioned sex. Lets see what happens here.... Oati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,June,2004 | I went shopping today. I went shopping today for six hours. I went shopping today at Target, Ridgedale, Galyans, and Uptown. I went shopping today and bought sunglasses, a skirt, two shirts, a hat, and some pants. I went shopping today for myself with my money. I went shopping today and it felt good. I went shopping today...... and we'll leave out the amount of money I spent. Actually I went shopping yesterday.... once again I'm up until like 3. I slept into 12:20 today (yesterday) : D YEAH. K |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,June,2004 | Nope that's all I got, I just need a job badly. I don't want one, but I need one. My mom is cutting off all the money supply from her to me. It makes me sad. Someone please get me the hook up, otherwise...... can I say screwed? |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 23,June,2004 | I was thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and where I wanted to go and how capable I am at doing stuff and then that ended up leading to me thinking about how my grandparents have been together for a really long time and how cute and devoted they are. Now does that make sense? My brain confuses me sometimes and because of that, that's why I sometimes wonder if I have add. So tell me, is it illegal if you you're 18 and have sex with a 17 year old? Like what are the actual terms of rape. I had this convo with someone and ya I just got confused because yes 18 you are an adult, and 17 you are a minor and that isn't supposed to mesh..... but if you're a year apart? How does that work? My back has had the worst spazum (sp?) ever, I don't like it. I think this will be the first night I'll be giong to bed before 12 really before 1. That's amazing. I like that. Goodnight. K |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 22,June,2004 | 17 is a weird age. You don't feel much older but when you say you're 17 compared to 16 there's a big difference. 17 you're more mature you know how to handle situations better and you've become more responsible. But at the same time you get like no new privileges by law when you turn 17 making you still feel like you're just a kid. Although I notice no difference, I still like being 17. My birthday didn't feel so much like a birthday, but I think half of that is because I've been doing stuff and 'partying' like every single day this summer. It did have some more special aspects though so it's all good. Thanks to everyone who did something special. Things I like that have happened in the past couple of days: Roses Phone calls from people you don't talk to every day Jet Skis Sun Skirts Nice emails My friends Boyfriends Hot tubs Things I don't like that have happened in the past couple of days: Throwing up Greasy food Coldness Crabiness Tierdness Dirtyness Stomach aches Welp, that's all I got for now I suppose. I gotta go to my soccer game now. Everythings none stop, I kind of feel like the energizer bunny, but then I realize that I really am tierd, but it's true, I just keep going and going and going..... (I just sleep when I sit). KT |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 15,June,2004 | So one day this girl met this guy. This girl tends to meet guys from other schools thanks to this one kid named Chris from Minnehaha. So this one night, she met another one of his friends named Sean. From seeing this cute boy from that first look, she new she had to.... hmmmm..... snipe him, ha. First night it was just a meet and greet and the second night was pretty eventful, always good to get into a car accident with someone you first meet. Anyways so this girl had a little thing for this guy, but she later found out that night that he had a girlfriend..... turns out though he just dumped her..... not for this girl, but still. Then this guy started to like this girl and this girl and guy started to hang out and talk more. Then it continued to dates and ya this girl has seen this guy many nights in a row. Although unofficial, and this girl very scared and lost in her own thoughts at times, I think this girl sniped this guy. To Be Continued..... P.S. Oh and I'm going camping from tomorrow till thursday.... just six girls including me.... ya I know we're going to die.... don't worry that I'll tell all. : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,June,2004 | And I'm back in the game!!!! I seriously love boys from Minnehaha, more so then ever now. ha. If you're confused just ask : ) Kati's back...... |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,June,2004 | I went 'looking' for a job today, I have a feeling that that's going to go nowhere..... I still need one though, oy. :/ Man so I think I've decided what one of the worst feelings ever is. Well I wouldn't say worst, but ya a not so good one. Anticipation but no return. If that makes sense, it did to me. But ya like phone calls. I hate them so much, especially when you want someone to call you. Like if you're waiting for that one person to call or just anyone, the phone rings and your heart rate speeds up and you get butterflies in your stomach, but then when it's not that person, everything melts and crumbles into mush, I hate that so much. So that goes along with the rule, if you say you're going to call me, make sure you fricken call me because otherwise I sit there waiting and anticipating a phone call, but then when I don't get it, all goes to hell. Also, phone calls are nice period, even if there is no real reason to call..... keep that in mind. I keep getting this lump in my throat, and it doesn't seem to go away. kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,June,2004 | Wow, the school year is FINALLY over. Seriously what a year, not much more I can add to that.Congrats seniors, I love you all. I'm officially a senior.... whoa. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 06,June,2004 | Wow, the school year is FINALLY over. Seriously what a year, not much more I can add to that.Congrats seniors, I love you all. I'm officially a senior.... whoa. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 06,June,2004 | Ok so it's not the best picture of the year..... but for outdoor photo we had to enter a photo contest and ya I did and it's really exciting because my picture is now on the website and anyone and everyone can view it and rate it. So ya go see it and tell me what you think and then give it a good rating so I can win something!!! : ) http://www.photography-unlimited.jp/?phl=e&photo=E4XNRXap |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 04,June,2004 | Last night was eventful to say none of the less. I've never had so much go wrong in a night, but have it be so crazy yet interesting and fun at the same time. And my story begins. So I hung out with people from Minnehaha and we decided to go to MOA to go bowling at Jillians, so we get there and turns out we had 15 min until it was only open to 21 years and older, then we were going to go see a movie, but voted that down and instead were going to go Airport bowling. So bascially our MOA trip was a waste, but meh whatev. So we were driving to this bowling place and there was a red light, but the guy in front of Emily slammed on their brakes (we were behind Emily) but whatev, she didn't hit him, but ya Sean (who I was with) didn't slam on his brakes either and he wasn't tailgating or doing anything illegal, he was being a good driver, but then his car totally hydroplaned and ya we didn't stop and crashed right into Emily. Luckily his car could still run so we went like 100 feet to a gas station. Emily's car only had a little scratch, but Sean's hood was totally like folded and his raidiator was hit in and his lights were broken. So ya he's car was jacked. So ya we waited like 30 min for his parents and then he had to go home sadly, and ya I feel really bad for him, that sucks. But ya then we're like ok lets just go to someones house. So we went to my house watched a movie and then Emily and Gilby decided to go home at like 1, but then Emily couldn't find her keys. We searched every where inside and outside and we could still not find her keys and then kind of figured they were locked in her car.... So then we tryed to break into her car with a coat hanger and were quite unsuccessful. So we made Calvin drive like 20 min to come help, but he couldn't do it either, so they drove to Emily's like 20 min away to get her spare key and then came back again to find her key, yes in the car, in the trunk. So ya they finally left at 2:30 am. Crazy. Just when we all thought the car accident was enough, whoa. So that was my night, funny because if we had gone by our originally plans, none of that would have happened, but whatev. I'm not gonna complain, it only sucks horribly for Sean and his car and his loss of driving privileges most likely. Next night out, I'm walking. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 04,June,2004 | I need a job..... badly..... any ideas? |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | Everyone is just giving up. It seems when people can't deal with something they just stop and let it go as it nothing happened in the first place although everything did. I finally want to join them. I'm sick of things being spoiled or going wrong, and I'm sick of having to deal with my feelings and emotions, I just want to run away and not come back for a really long time. I just want to disappear from it all. Here are a few song lyrics on how I feel: Same Direction whenever i step outside, somebody claims to see the light it seems to me that all of us have lost our patience. 'cause everyone thinks they're right, and nobody thinks that there just might be more than one road to our final destination but i'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong 'cause we're all going in the same direction and i'm not sure which way to go because all along we've been going in the same direction i'm tired of playing games, of looking for someone else to blame for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing for something to fill the space, was all of the time i spent a waste 'cause so many choices point the same way i was going..... so why does there only have to be one correct philosophy? i don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them and why are you always telling me what you want me to believe? i'd like to think that i can go my own way and meet you in the end. but i'm not ever going to know.......... Out of Control i've done everything as you say, i followed your rules without question i though it would help me see things clearly but instead of helping me to see, i look around and it's like i'm blinded i don't wanna live like this so can you tell me? where should i go? what should i do? i don't understand what you want from me 'cause i don't know if i can trust you or all of the things you've said to me and i may never know the answer to this endless mystery where should i go? what should i do? i don't understand what you want from me i feel like i'm spinning out of control, try to focus but everythings twisted and all along i thought you would be there to let me know i'm not alone but in fact thats exactly what i was all alone and spinning out of control. out of control..... Escape another day goes without any change the feeling we live with still remains we're stuck in a whole and we're searching for anything to hold on to there has to be somewhere that we can be safe from the lives we live each day there has to be somewhere that we can be far away..... we have to escape and i will go anywhere if you just lead the way escape to a place where we'll be together, together everyday we have to escape.... we could be living how we wanted to instead of doing things we're forced to do with no one to tell us that we should be going through what they went through there has to be someplace that nobody knows, somewhere we can only go there has to be somplace that we can be all alone....... we have to escape....... Never There i'm filling up inside like i need to open wide and pour my heart out to you but i'll just get denied and all i wanted was someone to hear what i'm going though... everytime that i need you around you're never there, you're never there because in my life is where i need you now but you're never there, you're never there you were supposed to see all the signs i left right in front of your face you were supposed to be the closest thing to being me but you're the furthest away. away. thats because........ and i doubt that i will ever find out if there's a way to get out of feeling all alone 'cause lately i've been thinking maybe that no one's going to save me i'll do it on my own.......... |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 30,July,2004 | I'm so flippin excited for New York, two days and counting (not counting today that is). But ya New York is so awesome and it just makes it ten times better that I'm going there to play my favorite sport, lacrosse. I don't know there's just something about New York that draws my attention, it's so suddle, but so loud and out there. Everyone blends together even though the weirdest people on the planet are probably there, but still you can't seem to tell. It's my kind of place, it's somewhere you can be completely heard, yet at other times not heard at all, and I like that. New York is so intriging and just draws me in. I'll tell you more how I feel about New York once I visit Long Island. Oh and I love Christopher Gilbert and ya I'm going to miss you oh so very much!!Oh and I love New York!! I'm so happy I could pee my pants! ------by the way---- 'You aint cool until you pee your pants.' 'If peeing your pants is cool, then I'm Miles Davis.' 'Gross!!' Weeeeeeeeeeee Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,July,2004 | I need a foot massage and a 24 hour nap..... badly. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,July,2004 | I love guys , I hate guys. I have guys , I don't. I want guys , I can have guys , but I wont. Guys piss me off, and make me happy, but guys are also there to be very sappy. Guys make me mad, guys make me smile, guys make me sad, and guys make me run a mile (?). Guys put me down and guys pick me up, but all the time they're going to make me lost like a mut. uiahdgauerhauehrauojao, that is how I feel towards guys right now, what is going on? I hope you enjoyed Guys - A Poem, by Kati Oakes. Until the next time.... I'll try to figure me out. k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,July,2004 | Why am I so bitter???? |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,July,2004 | She wipes the sweat off of her brow and looks up and smiles, smiles at what's to come. Looking back and seeing what she's accomplished, yet still regarding everything that's happened to her in the past, a rush of nervousness and excitement fulfill her body. She doesn't know what will happen, today, tomorrow, or in a year, but all she knows is that it will work out, it will work out no matter what the plan is, if there's a plan at all. As she encounters this day, she takes one step at a time, inspecting everything she passes. Inspecting the suddle oddly shaped cracks on the floor, to the shinny dust particles floating around the air as if they too were trying to reach a destination. Being totally intact with her surroundings, she closes her eyes and moves forward. Nothing to look back on now, she thinks, she knows what has happened, but she can only imagine what will. Today is a new day, she thought. And she grabbed this day as if to hold on for her dear life. She finally realized that every day is a new day, every day is a new life. Although she never knew her destination, she looked back to those specks in the air, and knew, knew that she controlled her destination, she controlled it every day. With this, she proudly lifted her head, and walked down the never ending road toward the melting sun slowly compressing the ground. Options were endless on this long slap of pavement, and she knew they would always be there until she reached that fire in the sky. With each moment of her foot meeting with the pebbled ground, she finally knew what she had to do; live each day as if it was the very beginning, yet still the very end. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 23,July,2004 | I BURN!!! No really, I do. I got burnt badly yesterday.... and now it hurts like a mo, I think i made it worse by being out in the sun some more for like 3 hours today. I forget, how many days does it hurt? I haven't been sunburnt for over a year. I have a new friend and their name is Aloe Vera!! Hey Jefferey! Thanks for such a good night, hanging out with you is mucho divertido (lots of fun in english terms) we shall continue the journey (through the woods?)! I have orentation tomorrow.... oh no.... shoot me now... please... maybe? Me no want to work..... oh but me get free bagels!! Whoa! And I get money I suppose..... Goodbye summer and staying out until 2 and waking up at 12.... meh wait I'll still do that... hopefully.... It's late I'm giong loopy. oati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 22,July,2004 | Seriously I think guys, or this guy, think I'm dumb, like really they except me not to read the lines in between and expect to get away with everything and anything. I'm not though, I'm not what they think, I'm not a dumbass. When a guy tells you that he just doesn't want to be attached during college and doesn't want to be attached the rest of the summer because of that just so 'he doesn't get hurt' is bullshit. Guys language this is I want to be able to mess around with other people for the rest of the summer, and clearly in college. When a guy goes and makes out with someone else when he has a girlfriend, those girlfriends clearly aren't going to be fooled by this, I'd hope not, they have their way. If you make out with someone in front of people at a party and then take a fricken picture with this other girl while touching her boobs or what not, the girlfriend is not the dumbass at this point, the boyfriend is. Like seriously what the hell do they expect? How do they not expect their girlfriend to find out even if they go to a different school? Every girlfriend has their way of finding out some how. Actually, I'm done with this blog, it isn't worth my time or energy to write about such bullshit. And this guy is defiently not worth my time or energy and is not worth stressing out about. I'm not a dumbass, it ends now. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,July,2004 | I'm putting my foot down, no longer am I going to be walked over by guys and be hurt by them, instead I'm now going to trip them to help them with their fall. Losing a boyfriend is not worth getting sad over and not worth crying over. For now I see it as their lose, especially with the reasons I have been given. If guys don't like me for me or like me too much and don't want to get hurt and run away instead, then that's their problem..... not mine. Shit happens and I'm no longer going to freak out about it because it isn't nessacary, jerks and assholes are not worth my time. My name is Kati and this is who I am, no more giving into to guys because they do something sweet even though it isn't genuine. I'm not giong to be fooled into thinking my fairy tail is being made when it isn't being made with the right guy, clearly. Welcome to my life. kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 20,July,2004 | My puzzle was put together, but someone broke it. Funny how it feels like only this one person can put it together. It was so real.... and now it's fading... fading out of my hands. How do I not lose this? Pieces of Me On a Monday, I am waiting Tuesday, I am fading And by Wednesday, I can't sleep Then the phone rings, I hear you And the darkness is a clear view Cuz you've come to rescue me Fall... With you, I fall so fast I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts [Chorus:] Ohhhhh It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels Ohhhhh It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself I love how you can tell All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me I am moody, messy I get restless, and it's senseless How you never seem to care When I'm angry, you listen When youre happy, it's a mission And you wont stop 'til I'm there Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast Well, I hit that bottom Crash, you're all I have [Chorus:] Ohhhhh It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels Ohhhhh It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself I love how you can tell All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me How do you know everything I'm about to say? Am I that obvious? And if it's written on my face... I hope it never goes away... yeah On a Monday, I am waiting And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms... So I can breathe [Chorus:] Ohhhhh It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I love the way that feels Ohhhhh It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself I love how you can tell Ohhhhh I love how you can tell Ohhhhh I love how you can tell All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me... |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 13,July,2004 | How can something so right go so wrong?! Seriously, what is going on?! I wish everything has been a dream or was a nightmare, but I can't. How can you help someone change the way they think about something? You just can't, why am I so helpless? I don't understand why a month should be missed out because of one day. Urgh I'm lost again. I love my friends. I just have to remember that all fairy tales have a happy ending.... hopefully this on does too. k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 13,July,2004 | I got sick of pink...... I also got sick of trees.... I mean really what's their purpose? |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 12,July,2004 | As she sits on her couch after being awake for an hour, anxiousness and overwhelment take over her body. Sitting and watching tv just didn't sound too much like a good time. She needed to start her day, but couldn't without this call. Ring, ring.... as her heart plummented to her stomach in hope of hearing his voice, she picked up the phone in no other to her a pause followed by a high pitched voice pernouncing every syllable wrong in the name. In the middle of their sentence, she hangs up in dissapointment of this expected call. Five more of these calls and she just couldn't take it, she had to hear his voice; and she did. After finally talking to this guy, she made plans to be with him the whole day, which she did do. However, this day was different for her, but she didn't exactly know why. Moodiness had swung through her after his first jokingly comment and all she wanted to do was cry. Her thoughts of paranoia controlled her, while little voices were speaking 'make it stop, you know nothing is wrong, why are you doing this?' She couldn't help herself at this point though, her emotions took the lead. Throughout the whole night, she was up and down and didn't know where to start or where to even end, she needed help from this guy to make her find her way. After a whole night of struggling to stay at the top, to stay completely satisfied by him, it finally ended, with, of course, the winner on top. She laid in his arms comfortable as could be and all she could think about was 'why worry? He's all yours.' Every day people learn a valuable lesson, but today, today it meant something to her. Moodiness shouldn't control feelings or emotions, she learned, but you're brain and heart combined should, if it feels right, it is right, if he chose you, you're it. With this thought and with the relaxation of her body compressed in his arms, she just watched him and looked him in his eyes. She saw his sparkle and thereafter felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She slowly laid her head back down with a smile, thinking, 'I could stay like this forever.' With that sparkle in his eyes, she knew he had just helped her find her way. And that voice that truely started her day, ended it with a kiss goodnight. Funny because fairy tales can happen to you every single day. Muah Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 12,July,2004 | I've always heard about Sex and the City and listened to people's rants about how good that show is. Unfourtunately, I was not able to express the same feelings seeing that I did not have access to the wonderful channel of HBO. I never really understood why people would be so infatuated with one show, but I finally figured it out. Because my sister watched the show many times at her friends houses, she too became part of this obsessive group of wanting more 'sex in the city.' With this, our family ended up getting all the seasons on DVD. However, it was not until last night, that I decided to venture into the world of women living vicariously with sex in New York. And I now understand. 10 episodes in one day, you could call that obsessive, but really what it is, is the connection with you, that tv, and those four women 'living' out their lives. Really I think why people like it so much is because we all secertly, or not secertly, want to be like them. Never before has sex and the city sounded so good. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,July,2004 | This is to everyone who read my away message tonight, I now know not to leave my messages open to interpretation. That and maybe I should just keep it simple.... or simpler than it was..... meaning no names and right to the point. Here are some of the responses I got: Slickchic525 [12:42 AM]: maifha;bn vrhj iriagj ;gjaidfg ri ;arguakre thg rega; gi;gja gjafklivnaregkl ;adfjkiencv fieaigeng;agidv;eg ibja;fgjai fdn ifaighghi Auto response from ChickaSS31 [12:42 AM]: movie with sean sShafftey [1:49 AM]: bah sean Auto response from ChickaSS31 [1:49 AM]: movie with sean canelsonmn [12:48 AM]: ick Auto response from ChickaSS31 [12:48 AM]: movie with sean canelsonmn [1:35 AM]: im sorry However you may want to think about it, you sick litte freaks, all my message meant was that I was watching a movie with Sean. I thought it was simple and good enough, but I now have learned better. Next time when Sean and I watch a movie it'll go something like this: I'm sitting on my couch watching [specific name] with Sean. Although he is my boyfriend and some of you may interpret this differently, really all we're doing is watching a movie.... really what else would there be to do in St. Louis Park? Thank you for your time. If you have any complaints about this please email.... or leave a comment : ) k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 07,July,2004 | Kathrin I love you so much and I'll miss you even more!! I'll always remember your bright smile and how you could just laugh everything away, you had a good effect on me. I thank you for everything and for being my friend. Some memories: Pie Eating (The Unsinkables!) Halloween (Edina HORnets and tiiiiiiight) Minnehaha Falls Hockey Games Sno Daze (at Reids) Movie Nights Lacrosse (and the one day you didn't have your shoes, ha) BBQ's And of course.... the famous..... Camping trip There's much more, but those are what stick out in my mind. Thanks for all the memories, hopefully there will be more to develope! I love ya lots! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,July,2004 | So based upon this breaking news report I just heard, does this mean you can't make those delicious waffles you drooled upon?? I've dreamed about the moment I'd be able to taste them, I've been waiting for that moment. When I heard the news I almost started to cry. What will happen now Jeff?! Hmmm lets go out to eat where the waffles are professionally done and where we wont have to worry about.... hmmm.... best way to put it..... worry about what happened last time.... ; ) Turns out I have to wake up at 6:30, what the hell am I doing? And in the morning were EATING waffles! (except not tomorrow morning) BYE JEFF! kAtI In loving memory of all broken down waffle irons in this world. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,July,2004 | I lost my breath with you today and I couldn't catch it; I still don't think I've caught it. Funny though because I don't want to catch it as long as I know you're there to help me breath. My eyes hurt, I think it's a sign for me to go to bed. Night! Love ya'll! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,August,2004 | Ok, I am officially fed up with anonymous people leaving dick ass comments. First of all everyone should have enough balls to write their name when they leave a comment, no matter the tone of it. Second of all if you do have enough balls to be rude and to try to be superior, then you really should be able to put your name, otherwise that just makes you more of a pussy. I don't know if you are the same person who is constantly correcting me and not even noticing what I'm actually writing about, but still it's really getting on my nerves and well is rude as hell. Yes sorry if I make a few mistakes, but is it really necessary to go out of your way to point this out? Ya, no I didn't think so, and if it is, then at least say who the hell you are. Maybe you're a good friend of mine and depending on who you are could change everything, but again I woudln't know this because you are ANONYMOUS and therefore it's just plain out rude. Even if you aren't being rude, anonymous people still suck , sorry, but true, even if I don't know you, a name would be nice. Sorry for this blog being negative, and negative toward other people, but really this is annoying and from now on I would appreciate it if everyone left their name and most of all didn't leave rude unnecessary comments. Thank you for your time. kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,August,2004 | (x) been drunk ( ) kissed a member of the opposite sex (x) kissed a member of the same sex (does mom's car count? ) crashed a friend's car ( ) been to Japan (x) ridden in a taxi (x) been in love (x) been dumped ( ) shoplifted ( ) been fired ( ) been in a fist fight (x) snuck out of my parent's house (x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back ( ) been arrested ( ) made out with a stranger ( ) stole something from my job ( ) celebrated new years in time square ( ) gone on a blind date (x) lied to a friend (x) had a crush on a teacher ( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans ( ) been to Europe ( ) skipped school ( ) slept with a co-worker ( ) cut myself on purpose ( ) been married ( ) gotten divorced ( ) had children ( ) seen someone die. ( ) been to Africa ( ) Slapped someone I loved ( ) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball ( ) Been to Canada (x) Been to Mexico (x) Been on a plane (x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show ( ) Thrown up in a bar ( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire (x) Eaten Sushi ( ) Been snowboarding ( ) Met someone in person from the internet ( ) Been moshing at a concert ( ) had real feelings for someone you knew only online ( ) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself ( ) been in an abusive relationship ( ) lost a child ( ) gone to college ( ) graduated college ( ) had sexual intercourse of any kind ( ) tried killing urself (x) taken painkillers (x) love someone or miss someone rite now And I thought my life was exciting, or that at least I was someone of a 'bad' girl.... man I need to get going on this list.... |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 08,August,2004 | Cosmopolitan aka The Bible, is genious, pure genious. I've finally upgraded myself from Seventeen and YM to Cosmo, and I love it. This magazine can help you in any situation, and not just sexually. But really if you are embarrassed to ask something to anyone, Cosmo will have all the answers. Here is some of my favorite advice/learnings of Cosmo's latest issue: 'You know that knee-numbing buzz you get from locking eyes with a hottie across the bar? There's a biological reason for it, according to a study from the Institue of Congnitive Neuroscience at University College London. It found that stealing a stare from an attractive stanger lights up part of the brain that predicts a reward, says Uta Frith, PhD, coauthor of the study. Whether your brain is anticipating 'Mmm... boyfriend material!' or 'Ooh, hot fling tonight!' it's a green-lighting you to indulge in a little fantasy. To feel the spark, position yourself in his natural line of vision, then give him a sexy glance as he catches you laughing with pals.' This is really genious, and ya now, if you are ever nervous or hesitant to get into a relationship or whatever, look for this sign, and if you get it, you know all is well. Signs He's Not in the Mood: -He falls asleep in the middle of a hand job. -You bring home lingerie, and he says, 'Are you sure purple is really your color?' -As you're about to get it on, his mom's number pops up on the caller ID and he actually picks up. Hmmm there's much more, such as Cosmo telling you how to give a good hand job, and how to find your G-spot. That and Keira Knightley is on the cover, and well ya I love her, if I were gay, ok no scratch that, if I were straight, I'd do her. Hahaha. Best wishes on your sexual encounters. k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 07,August,2004 | I just got back from a lacrosse camp in Long Island, New York yesterday. It was so much fun and amazing. I couldn't love New York and the people there anymore. The lacrosse players there though are like freaking amazing. Some of them were only going to be like freshmen or sophmores and they had like some of the best stick skills I have ever seen, showing that they were probably better then any Minnesotan player. However, I was still able to keep up with all of them and was pretty much up to par, the only difference was that they had some amazing moves and stick skills, but ya I'm working on it and I'd like to think I got better from the camp. The people there in general were so cool too. I might some really tight kids and it just makes me like New York and New Yorkers even more. People always talk about how New Yorkers have such an attitude and I'm not gonna lie, they do, but that's half of what I love about them. Although they may have this big ass attitude they are still some of the nicest people I've ever met. Most people are really surprisingly friendly. The best thing about New Yorkers though is their accent. We got made fun of for ours, and now I can see why, they have the coolest accents there and they were all trying to teach us it. Here's an interpretation: Pantsing = Shanking Dog = Dawg Coffee = Caouffee Ball = Bawl Sucker = Lolli Pop And ya pretty much anything with an a or o were over said and pernounced with like a W. Ask me if you wanna hear em. Man do I love those accents. I couldn't have had a better experience and am so glad I went. It was also nice to just get away although the day I get back I'm still annoyed with my mom and well still confused about....well.... everything. I'm still probably kind of out of it though, I was either at an airport or on a plane for like 9 hours yesterday, whoa. Yeah for New York! (And layovers in Chicago). |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,August,2004 | Alcohol + Kati + Alcohol + Alcohol + Alcohol = a major druken mess |
3,998,465 | male | 17 | indUnk | Gemini | 30,July,2004 | Well, its been quite awhile since I actually posted a new blog hasn't it. Well ever since I've really gotten back from Daytona's I've been working. Almost every day. But it's paid off. I can now have some decent presents to give to everyone for Christmas. And I can now get some clothes that I want for school, and maybe some extra's. It's only been a week and I miss Day already, like, everytime we hook up, it seems that the fun just doubles the last time. And the situations don't always hafta be the best, but hey, that's the way it goes. i am going to B.C. on Sunday, and it's going to be a loooooong drive. But at least we have some time that we can spend with grandma and grandpa. the its a loooooooong drive back. Hooray! NOOOOOOOO! Anyways, I don't really have anything else to say, but you know that If I do I'll post it on hurr. Have fun people Let go, Trav-Man |
3,998,465 | male | 17 | indUnk | Gemini | 22,July,2004 | Well, the firs post is upon us...Hm...well, I just got back from Day's. Man, was that ever wicked fun, well, most of the time. Her boyfriend came over and he was pretty cool, better than his cousin, thats for sure. Dan, well, he needs a kick in the head, or two, or repeat as necessary. She burned me a whole bunch of Cd's, form like Offspring to Guns and Roses, to Slipknot, it was pretty cool. We even got a lil picture and modelling time in too. That was wicked fun, the pictures turned out great, even thouh I didn't get the goofy one, with me falling into her arms, dramatic style. It was pretty funny. i hated to leave her so early, like, we've been helping each other whenever we feel like crap. It sucks, like, I wouldv'e liked to spend like a week with her. I don't know though, my 'rents are a lil dumb about the whole thing. Anyways, I'm out... Haff fun... |
4,216,005 | male | 23 | Consulting | Taurus | 19,August,2004 | I'll start off this blog with a brief story about the events that occurred last Monday. Perhaps it was a bit of alcoholism carried-over for the weekend. Or maybe it was the sheer realization of how bad our lives really sucked when we arrived in the office on Monday. It could have been because we both got no ass over the weekend. Whatever the reason, it seemed like a terrific idea that Adam and me go out and get completely shit-housed after work Monday night. One of Adam's friends met us over at our place and, after having a few beers, decided to head to one of our favorite Denver bars, the Falling Rock. The Falling Rock is amazing. This place has close to 200 beers... on tap. Unfortunately, girls do not find this nearly as cool as we do. The three of us double the population of the bar when we walk in; this includes bar employees. Of course, the only female appears to be in a very deep conversation with whom, while appearing to be a man at first, is actually the second female at the bar. We decide to play pool. A couple of other guys that work at our firm decide to meet up. These guys are cool, but not that cool. Tapered jeans come to mind. We play a couple more games of pool and decide that we really need to relocate to a place that might be inhabited by at least a few attractive girls. On a side note, Monday's in Denver are not the ideal night of the week to go out, especially when the colleges are out for the summer. LoDo (Lower Downtown) is a virtual ghost town tonight. We spot a large group of people on the roof at LoDo's (a bar in LoDo; creative, I realize), so we decide to go there. Corporate event. Shit. Crashing comes to mind, but we are still a little too sober to begin acting like complete drunk-asses (poor excuse, I know). Plus, according to Adam's friend who wandered up unknowingly, all the girls were fat. Right as we walk in, I spot a few girls sitting at the bar. The one closest to the door, and the only one I have a good line of sight on, is quite large. This cow is pushing two-bills. I tell Adam that I found his girl for the night (Adam likes fat girls like fat girls like giving head). He tells me to 'fuck off' the way one might respond to any embarrassing, yet completely true accusation. Unfortunately, Fatty and her two friends are literally the only three girls in this bar aside from the corp. types upstairs. We position ourselves at the bar opposite the three girls. To my delight, the one in the middle is HOT. Great looking blonde, nice looking tits, perfect tan. Not your typical Monday night skank. To her right is some Mexican/Spanish looking skank; she is not that attractive. However, these girls are aggressively attacking shots. Things are looking up. For at least twenty minutes, Adam and I banter about how we are going to initiate conversation with these girls. Pathetic, I know. We discuss sending shots, but that is lazy and not the most confident of moves. The Spanish chick heads to the bathroom, and we get a better look at her; despite the ButterFace, this girl has a pretty decent body. Adam's friend decides to take off; the responsible decision considering that all of us have to work early the next morning. This drops the group to four: Adam, TaperedJeans, his Friend, and Me. We decide JagerBombs are a good idea and the only way Adam and I will be drunk enough to successfully approach these girls. After a few more rounds of shots and several good moments of eye contact with the girls across the bar, we decide to play pool. The pool table is perfectly situated to initiate conversation with the girls, so it seems like a pretty good move. If you go to Miami and you are around the same age as me you know Whitney Ford. Whitney Ford is the girl in the Freshman Faces book who everyone talked about because that picture was so damn hot. Then you meet her in person; a letdown of massive proportions. When I say massive proportions, I mean that literally. Despite a cute face and perfectly normal upper body, this girl had a Star Jones ass. Sir Mix-A-Lot would feed this girl slim-fast. The hot girl I mentioned earlier; she had this disease. While our new position by the pool table gave us better position to initiate conversation, it also gave us front row tickets to the size of these girl’s asses. Adam and I are undeterred. In his words, 'Better to bust a slump before it starts.' After intentionally losing to TaperedJeans and his friend, Adam and I head to the bar to order a round of shots and to initiate conversation with the two fatties and ButterFace. The girls are taking shots at the same time, so we are in. Turns out that it is Fatty2's (hot face, fat ass) 21st birthday, which explains the aggressive shot taking but in no way explains how this girl packed it on at such a tender age. It turns out that she is Fatty1's sister; so the lower-body obesity must run in the family. We continue to talk, typical bullshit. Adam is funny, but the sort of funny that will throw girls off until they get to know him just a little better. My overwhelming normality plays well off of this. Our A game is on. We are Tiger on Sunday in a major before he fired Butch. Sure, these girls are sub-par and that is certainly helping increase our confidence and their receptiveness to us, but these girls are into us. As it turns out, Fatty2 has a boyfriend and the shots are really starting to get to her. Even if she wanted to, this girl would not be capable of hooking up tonight. No matter, Adam has moved on to Fatty1 and ButterFace and I have struck up a conversation. ButterFace sucks. She keeps saying shit to our clearly not Spanish-speaking bartender in Spanish. I say, 'Hey, he's not fucking Mexican... speak English esse.' She thinks I am an asshole. I think she's ugly. Somehow she now likes me more. ButterFace is really starting to bore me, so I walk over to Adam to check on him and Fatty1. When we first starting talking to these girls, Fatty1 wasn’t drinking because, as Fatty2’s older sister, she was going to stay sober for her sister’s 21st birthday. She is now slamming beers at Adam’s urging. I am proud. Adam’s game is apparently working very well on this girl; she is in love with him. They have been talking for twenty minutes and he could probably do anything he wants with this girl. Fat girls are great. This girl probably hasn’t been hit on by anything not missing teeth in the past two years, maybe ever, and she clearly loves it. In all fairness Fatty1 is most definitely fat, but her face is really not that bad. It’s the kind of face, that if put on a girl with a slamming body she would probably be about a 7.5 on a sober ten-point rating scale. Adam is making me tell you that part. In my absence, some hillbilly in a Broncos jersey has approached Fatty2 and ButterFace. He is mostly there to hit on Fatty2, who is barely conscious at this point, and ButterFace, the bitch that she is, is trying to prevent this hilarity. For some reason, ButterFace starts passing notes on cocktail napkins to Fatty2 to let her know, in her extremely drunken state, that BroncosJersey is not desirable. Some samples. “I think he is missing teeth.” “He is wearing a football jersey in a bar during the off-season.” Because of this, I begin to think that ButterFace is slightly cool. Things begin to get interesting when BroncosJersey actually picks up one of the napkins and reads it. I am now getting pretty drunk and unfortunately, I cannot remember what was said on the note that he picked up, but I am sure that it was not filled with compliments. Conventional wisdom might say that BroncosJersey should be upset after reading some not-so-nice things about himself. Conventional wisdom apparently does not apply to those who would wear a jersey to a bar in the off-season. He takes this as a cue to begin hitting on ButterFace. In his defense, Fatty2 is now completely passed out on the bar and there weren’t a lot of options to work with in this place. ButterFace is clearly not interested in this guy, yet he continues to hit on her and she appears to be enjoying the free comedy-show. I make the occasional thinly-veiled sarcastic remark, such as, “I like that Broncos jersey; I’d be wearing my Bengals jersey if I wasn’t in enemy territory” or “Clinton Portis sucked anyway.” (Side note: While most people now agree that the Portis/Bailey trade was a good one for Denver, this was not and still remains an unpopular move in Denver.) Eventually, BroncosJersey gave up and the group started talking about what to do after the bar. Adam and I were presented with a problem. Each of us could obviously hook up with our respective girls, but there was the issue of drunken Fatty2. Fatty1 was not too excited about bringing her sister back to our place to pass out on our couch. We were drunk, determined, and horny. Problem unsolved, we leave the bar as a group. These girls are from a suburb about a half-hour away, so their car is parked, conveniently, on the walk back to our apartment complex. We were still presented with the problem of Fatty2, but the girls seemed convinced – they wanted to party. We explain how she can sleep comfortably on our couch and how, because the place is only a block from where they are parked, it will be easy for them to find in the morning. This seems perfectly logical to me. Apparently additional body-fat impairs the decision-making process. As we are approaching Fatty1 and Fatty2’s car, Fatty1 actually decides that her sister, Fatty2, is better off passing out in her car, in a strange parking lot in the middle of an urban area, than coming to our apartment to pass out. After locking Fatty2 in the car, we start walking to our apartment. Fatty1, the sober monitor and watchful protector of her little sister at the beginning of the night, had just locked her passed-out sister in a car in the middle of downtown Denver so that she could go and get her fat fucking ass laid. Despite how drunk I am, I realize that this is not a good idea, but I say nothing, because it serves my purposes and now ButterFace is free to come and hang out (hook-up) as well. Once we get in our apartment, I realize that it has been at least ten-minutes since I had any alcohol, so I head immediately to the kitchen to grab a beer. After asking if anyone wants one and not receiving a response, I crack a Coors Light. Upon exiting the kitchen, I see Adam attacking Fatty1’s face. Watching this is hilarious. If only I had a camera to document how big this fucking girl was. ButterFace and I have a laugh over this for a minute and I then tell her how, “We should give them some privacy and go to my room.” Smooth Eric. Of course, we start making out. I spill my beer because she literally attacked me. However, this did not upset me. I start to make some moves; she doesn’t oblige. This also does not upset me. We make out for what seemed like forever not progressing to anything better. Ok, so that part kind of pissed me off. Then, out of nowhere, she practically bites my fucking lip off. She was attempting to do that kind of playful bite that is a fairly commonplace move when making out. She didn’t get the memo. My lip is not a fucking steak there for her culinary enjoyment. Of course, I yell out in pain, “You fucking bit me bitch, that shit fucking hurts!” “Oh, you don’t like it?” “No, not really sweetheart.” “Ok, I’ll stop.” Making out commences. One one-thousand, Two one-thousand, 3…, 4…, 5… “FUCKING SHIT!” ButterFace just tried to bite my lip off again. Combined with the frustration of this hook-up not progressing like I am used to and the fact that I may have just lost part of my lower lip, I am furious. I tell her to stop and I keep making out with her thinking that at this point, maybe, I might be able to get a hate-fuck out of this. Five seconds later she clamps down again and I’ve had enough. Fuming mad, sexually frustrated, yet still somehow composed I exit my room followed by ButterFace. Fatty and Adam are on the couch. He hasn’t made it that far either. Her clothes are still on. This makes me feel a little better for some reason. At some point, Fatty2 is brought up and the girls decide that it’s time to go. Despite how it may seem, we are still somewhat gentlemen and politely walk the girls to their car. Apparently the extra fat makes one stupid as well. Fatty1, instead of holding on to the car keys herself, decided that it would be better to leave them in the locked car with her passed-out sister. This is a disaster for them – a fucking laugh-riot for Adam and me. Honestly, at this point my memory is a little hazy. Adam later filled me in that they were eventually able to wake Fatty2 and get in the car. We stumble back to our place, with strangely mixed-emotions. We were happy that we didn’t follow though with those fucking circus-animals, yet a little disappointed that we couldn’t seal the deal. Coincidentally, TaperedJeans and his friend ended up playing pool with some moderately attractive girls while we were hitting on the circus-animals, and taking them home. That’s what we get for intentionally losing to them. What the fuck. |
4,216,005 | male | 23 | Consulting | Taurus | 12,August,2004 | Thanks for stopping by my blog. My goal for this site is to have a place mostly for me to vent about corp. bullshit, tell stupid drunken stories, and be host to various other ramblings. Peace, Eric |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 30,June,2004 | Went to watch Spidey today... hmmm... yesterday I mean... haha... F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C. Absolutely Fabulous! Rather realistic to a certain extend I would say. Even a super hero has to make tough decisions. Even a super hero can be at a lost of what he wants and what he wants to do. Even a super hero needs to learn to trust and believe in himself. So do all of us! There is a hero in everyone. I truly agree with what Aunt May said. In life, you need to believe in yourself and in the things that you do. Decisions may be tough, but as long as you believe that you can do what you have to, and do it to your best ability, it doesn't really matter what other people think. The life is yours! And yours alone! And most importantly, do not forget your family and loved ones. For they are the ones who will always be there for you when you are down. For without them, life will never be complete! I still believe in this! |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 28,June,2004 | Almost 5 years together, and all it takes is for a SINGLE bugger to come along... and there goes a relationship... Not me of course... a friend... 5 years together with her now ex-bf, a relationship which all of us deems to be unbreakable, stable and heading towards marriage... and now, 5 years later, 1 single jerk comes along, stuck himself to the lady, and there she goes... This is just 1 of the many such cases I have seen among my friends. Does time really measure the strength of a relationship? Saddly to say, the answer is 'No'. Is this really how fragile relationships are these days? Perhaps it is. I have just gone through a rough patch in my own... gladly to say, things are alright now... Absence defintely do not make the heart grow fonder in most cases, at least not for the many cases I have seen in my life. Absence makes the heart grow wilder... that would have been a better description for relationships these days. Oh well... Wilder or fonder... only time can tell... No signs of any wedding bells ringing from any one around me yet... or maybe there is 1... my buddy.... hahahaha... Ding Dong Ding Dong... I hope my time will come! =D |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 27,June,2004 | Monday off day! Perfect! Went back to school to collect my convo invites... had lunch at mos with J... shopping on town... Got for myself a denim skirt from Mango, and a blouse from Zara... and happily I skipped home to head for the pool! Weee~~~ finally... a chance to regain my tan!!! This is soooooo exciting... Dropped my shopping at home and packed up for the pool... The sun is shining so brightly! Perfect day for a nice tan! Off to the pool I went... and WALA!!!!! To my surprise... the pool is closed! CLOSED ON MONDAYS! arggg... there goes my swim... my tan... my perfect day!!! ='( |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 27,June,2004 | Weee.... Finally! A brand new blog page! Too lazy to maintain my self made blog already... no time to in fact. So I shall just be lazy and use this! Oh well! Just another lazy Sunday evening. Got back from a long tuition session and NEOPETS! yes! Thats all the life I have left! Work => Neopets, Tuition => Neopets... hardly any energy left for anything else... Thats all for now! More tommorrow! Tomorrow is not gonna be Monday Blues ! Cos... Its Off Day tommorrow! weEEeEEEee.... |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 27,June,2004 | urlLink Me and Tigger, Xmas 2003 urlLink |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 29,July,2004 | 24 years and almost 1 day old... First time ever in my entire life... i had so many people to celebrate my birthday for me... and 2 birthday cakes... 2++ to be precise... and 200% improvement from the 0 cakes the past 2 to 3 years... its been so long... i can hardly remember. contrary... no cake on birthday itself... =( everyone i know were busy asking what i did on my birthday.. did i celebrate with my bf... but sad to say... no... i din... i spent the morning sleeping... downloading stuff... scrubing the pot which was charcoal blank cos i forgot that i was heating something up in the kitchen... and stuffing myself silly with steamboat stuff... what a way to spend an off day... let alone a birthday... gosh... on a happier note... i get to rest and relax on my birthday... no work units... the celebrations were pre and post... no actual... except for a little steamboat dinner with mum and sis... really wonder why i had taken the day off... no one to go out with... dissappointing... 3 years and 2 days of my relationship.. going strong... i guess so... or maybe... getting too used to it... still can't believe that it has been so long... all the ups and downs... amazing... maintaining a relationship is difficult... i wouldn't even want to think about marriage... oh my god... that would be more then just a challenge... not exactly the best birthday i have... but it was definitely good... with all the frens and colleagues and teammates who remembered... a big THANK YOU ! |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 18,July,2004 | Went back to NTU to get some photos taken... for graduation of course... went round the entire campus to have pix taken at all important places... Tiring day. But definitely lots of fun! Can still remember the 1st time i went to NTU. Ran into a group of graduates running around in their acadamic dress having their pictures taken... and there i was... all envy... and now! Before you know it! I am wearing my academic dress having my pix taken... running around school with excitment~ Weeee~~~ I'm finally out!!! But I am really sure, I will miss these schooling days! All the mugging, and most of all, all my friends, the fun we had and the loads of stuff we ate for all the countless suppers! Ok... really tired... time to call it a day... zzzzzzzzz Good luck to all those still mugging out there! Your day will come!!! Just like mine! |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 12,July,2004 | urlLink Convocation '04 - NTU Chinese Heritage Centre (Me and YawWei) urlLink |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 12,July,2004 | Weee~~~ Convo in a few hours time time! Though late, but better then never! 4.5 years! Finally I can be officially out of NTU! Yeah!!! Got my birthday present from dar on Sat... My Sony CyberShot. Finally a digi cam I call my own!!! *MUACKS* *MUACKS* Haven't really had the time to learn to use all the functions yet... but not too bad... manage to read parts of the manual and figured out how to do basic and simple photo taking. Gonna be using it for my convo photos! And of course... more and more photos as the days go by... SAY CHEEZEEEE~ |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 06,July,2004 | *Sniff* *Sniff* Down with flu again. Feeling terrible. Seen the doc. Will be on MC tommorrow. *Sniff* *Sniff* Have been sneezing too hard... can see blood in the gooey stuff... eeeksss!!! All I want now is for someone to make me a hot cup of something... and tuck me into bed.... zZzzZZzzzZZzZzz |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 04,July,2004 | It has been a really really long week. Have been home late everyday this week. Late nites. Insufficient sleep. Shall try to come home earlier next week and catch more rest. Don't really like the feeling of being zonked out every single day. Went SPLISH SPLASH yesterday. Hmm.. not reallly splish splash... more sun and lazing around the entire afternoon. Relaxing day. Back to another busy day today. Tuition day. Gonna be another long session I guess. Shall try to make it short and sweet. Seriously over spent this week! Unbelievable! Really have to cut it down... Or I'll never reach my target! No matter how many tuitions I do. Oh Man! I need a better job! Or maybe I need a C.A.R.E.E.R.! |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 03,July,2004 | WeEeeeEEee~~~ Finally! Another work week has ended~ Feeling really really tired this week though haven't really been doing much OT. Guess it must have been the going home late, thus delaying sleeping times... Oh man! Really need to try to sleep by 11pm at least 3 times a week! Otherwise the energy level does dips straight down! This week is almost a spending week. Terrible! Spending too much money. A Mango denim skirt, a zara blouse, skirt from Esprit, lotsa little snacks and chocolates and expensive meals. Need to curb spending next week! I really need to get my tuition money this week! To top up for all I have spent on my shopping and food! Gonna be heading down to the pool later! Its just gonna be a wonderful day! Nice tan! Swim! SPLISH SPLASH! |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 13,August,2004 | CHAPTER 1: Preface Start of yet another lifeless weekend... boring... No longer so excited about the weekend... used to look forward to every weekend... weekend used to be time to enjoy... relax... shop... or just meeting a couple of friends for chat... and food... But as working life moves on... the weekend becomes just time to see no work... though most of the time there is still the thinking part... And the weekends are most probably going to change after the resolutions and calculations I have made today... CHAPTER 2: Resolutions New resolutions... I made today... and to keep.... and achieve... Money I will SAVE! Savings I will BUILD! Snacks I will CUT! Shopping I will REDUCE! Weight I MUST LOSE! CHAPTER 3: Calculations Have spent too much money recently... oh man... at the rate I am going... I will never ever reach my targetted savings by the end of the year... CHAPTER 4: Motivation Sick and tired of being the fat me... Time to be the me I used to be... Frustrated of being labelled fat... This is really the last straw... I will... and I MUST... be the me I used to be... No matter what it takes... minimum money spent of course!Target Date: IRAS DnD... CHAPTER 5: Conclusion There ain't no stopping me this time... No one... Nothing... |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 09,August,2004 | Singapore Idol was dumb... funny... but i still prefer American Idol... Really thinking if there is a Singapore Idol 2, should I go give it a shot... haha... but the idea of having to queue kills all thoughts... Simply too lazy... guess I am not that desperate yet... but still... it's a chance to stardom for some... I guess after so many years... i am still me... I still dun have the courage to go for auditions... I still can't forget how I actually went for the hall 7 jam band audition... wouldn't have gone if not for some friends who accompanied me... will always remember the many rounds of audition they put me through... and how i thot i was a goner at the auditions... singing with a sore throat... but the miracle... I got in... the feeling to perform on top of a stage for a crowd is certainly very different... you really need to experience it to understand it. Hope I get a chance to perform again... I really hope... =D It's up there when all my troubles go away... all I can do is try to remember all the words to my song... and concentrate on my singing... no worries... no troubles... free... for that few minutes... free. |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 07,August,2004 | I am so B.O.R.E.D! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.... clicking away at neopets... some kinda life... boring... hungweee... i need food... someone save me!!!!!!! singapore idol on tv later... maybe i can get a good laff from there... |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 07,August,2004 | Happy National Day! I am not patriotic... Just doing my little teeny weeny bit... hahaha... No going out later... unless i can get on some form of public transport before the parade ends... else i guess i will never get home... |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 07,August,2004 | Long weekend this week. It barely the start of it... and I am already bored... and more boring days to come. No tuition tommorrow. No plans. No nothing. Summary: No LIFE! What kind of lousy weekend do you call this! arggg... |
3,765,885 | female | 24 | Technology | Leo | 05,August,2004 | Went to collect tix for my hols today... finally i can have a break... a break from work... a break from everything. Really hope the holiday will go well... the beach... the sand... the water... the sun... a relaxing holiday... 2 more weeks and OFF I GO! wee!!! this is really exciting... hope this excitment is enuff to push me on for another 2 weeks.... arggg work is getting really frustrating... getting pushed and pushed to close work units... yes... this is working life... deadlines everyday... stress everyday... How I wish I can be back in school... at least I still have a choice to skip some classes when I am feeling real down... now... no matter how sucky life is... work goes on... and work only makes things worse... much worse... Maybe I need a change in environment... some other job which allows me to do more then just programming... some other job which gives me more exposure... more growth... Too cooped up in this current one... maybe a break will do some good... 2 more weeks... to go... I will go on.... |
4,226,535 | male | 42 | Religion | Aries | 13,August,2004 | Last week a tour group came to the church. They were from a church from another town, and were members of a different denomination. It was an interesting 90 minutes. At one point everyone was gathered around the altar. One lady asked what we do around the altar. I told her how our entire community gathers around the altar for communion, how we want everyone close to the table and how everyone particiaptes in the prayer over the bread and wine. So far so good. Then it happened. She got to the heart of what she really wanted to know. Who can come to communion in your church?, she asked. My pat answer is well rehearsed. I told her: Jesus invited everyone to his table so we invite everyone to God's table. We give communion to everyone by name-- without exception. She was polite about my response, but clearly appalled. You mean you don't have to be confirmed? No, baptism is full membership in our church. Oh, so you do at least require baptism? No, we don't require that either. That's when it really happened. That small exchange revealed the core issue: who is worthy to receive the sacrament? I did my best to explain, to reveal our community's understanding and values, but we didnt' get very far. Our versions of how to live the faith simply didn't match up. She was more concerned with preserving the proscriptive rules of institution of Christianity. I am more interested in the faith continues to live and breathe right in our midst. I don't believe the faith needs to be protected-- but I do believe that institutional Christianity works overtime trying to protect itself. From what I don't quite know. Usually I think it is trying to protect itself from the Spirit. I believe that as we continue to practice our faith and touch the reality of what it means to live a human life, our beliefs change. We don't need to be afraid of this. In the course of our study and practice, as we touch reality more and more deeply, our beliefs naturally evolve and become more solid. When our beliefs are based on our own direct experience of reality and not on notions offered by others, no one can shake them from us. Making a longterm commitment to a concept is much more dangerous. Our faith must be alive. It cannot be just a set of rigid beliefs and notions. Our faith must evolve every day and bring us joy, peace, freedom, and love. Faith implies practice, living our daily life in mindfulness. Some people think that prayer involves only our minds or our hearts. But we also have to pray with our bodies, with our actions in the world. And our actions must be modelled after those of the living Christ. pax [+] |
4,226,535 | male | 42 | Religion | Aries | 13,August,2004 | excerpt from a recent sermon on Luke 12.49-56 In Liberia, a teenaged girl prepares for baptism in the Anglican church. Her parents objected violently to her decision to become a Christian. A few weeks before her scheduled baptism, her parents had her killed. When I was in college, one of my Jewish friends converted to Christianity. His parents responded by publicly declaring him dead and hold public funeral for him so their friends could join in the mourning. My colleague Nancy Sehested was called to be pastor of a Southern Baptist Church in Memphis. She was the first woman to hold such a position. The county Baptist association threw the church of out of the association. Later that same year the national Baptist convention severed all ties with that church. Do you know stories like that? Like the parents who raise their kids to be doctors and lawyers. They think they’ve almost succeeded when the last one announces he wants to be a minister, and their faces fall. But he goes off the seminary anyway, and then they draw up their wills and he is not in them? Or like the grown children who find out how much money their elderly parents are giving away to a church-run orphanage in the Midwest and who have mom and dad declared mentally incompetent in order to protect their inheritance? Or like the mother who will not speak to her two adult children because one left the church of his youth for a place where he speaks in tongues and the other refuses to go to any church at all? These are painful stories for any of us who have close family ties and who also hold deep religious convictions. Christ’s invitation to follow him can divide a family, even destroy a family. Jesus acknowledges that pain. What is so disturbing about these stories is that Jesus does not say they should not be so. In fact, he says the opposite. He says they are inevitable, that the gospel is inherently divisive and that we should not be surprised when we fight about it. Ever seen that the bumper sticker or the t-shirt that says, “Dear Jesus, protect me from your followers”? I don’t fear God. I don’t fear the government (too much) or the dreaded forces of secularism or humanism. But I do sometimes fear my fellow Christians. There are times when I feel downright intimidated by those I-am-confident-that-I-have-the-corner-on-truth, overachieving, judgmental persons who use the Christian faith as the sanction to denounce and threaten people. Hate mail and hate crimes increase every year. Well-funded religious and political leaders in certain sectors of the population promote an aggressive “spiritual warfare” against those who will not be numbered among them. Not too long ago there was a story of college seniors being escorted at night campus security from the library to their dormitory because “Christian” students had spoken about the kinds of things that should happen to people like them if they were caught alone at night. Devious, isn’t it? No direct threat, just the creation of a terrifying atmosphere in which to live. Maybe Luke was conscious of the growing schism between the followers of Jesus and other Jews in his time. Or maybe he was well aware that Roman law would not grant legal standing to the newly flourishing Christian faith. Maybe he knew Christians who were humiliated in the street or forbidden to attend family reunions with Jewish relatives. But could have imagined the waves of persecution instigated by Christians throughout the ages? I think of Matthew Shepherd who was brutally beaten and his body strapped to a fence in subzero weather-- because he was gay. He was brutally killed by kids who celebrated their form of Christianity. We think these kinds of incidents are easy to dismiss. We say to ourselves, “this is not Christianity, but a perversion of its deepest truths.” And that is true. But is also true that we so easily fail to communicate unequivocally the most simple of its truths: all persons are created in the image of God. I suspect all of us have probably experienced painful division at one time or another in our own families. Our religious community in Toledo remains very divided. Trouble is, the deepest divisions are to be found within Christianity right now. So it makes sense that the claims of Christ may all too often call us to stand in opposition to our friends and parents or brothers and sisters. That is neither Good News or Bad News. It’s simply the cost of commitment. How do we deal with it? How do we stay in communion with those whose vision of God and God’s claim upon their lives is different form our own? How do we stay together? Sometimes we can’t. The differences are just too great. But there is another way. First, be faithful to the voice of God you hear within you. To deny it is to die to your own integrity. Second, and more important, resist the temptation to claim for yourself more understanding than those with whom you disagree. Instead, listen to them share their understanding. Perhaps you can be helped to hear the voice of God they hear. To deny that possibility is to deny God. |
4,226,535 | male | 42 | Religion | Aries | 13,August,2004 | urlLink That's me doing my thing. urlLink |
4,226,535 | male | 42 | Religion | Aries | 13,August,2004 | Have you heard about the latest scandal to hit institutional Christianity? It's wafer-gate. Seems that Christ can only be found in wheat. Who knew? Normally I don't really care about this kind of liturgical trivia, but I can't shake this story. Here's an excerpt that ran in the Asbury Park Press (New Jersey) earlier this week. Liz Pelly-Waldman of Brielle is trying to convince the Catholic Churchto validate her daughter Haley Waldman's First Holy Communion. BRIELLE -- A woman who is protesting the Diocese of Trenton's decisionto invalidate her daughter's First Holy Communion because analternative wafer was used in the communion sacrament has taken hercase to Rome. Liz Pelly-Waldman of Evergreen Avenue has written to Cardinal JosephRatzinger, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith inthe Vatican, to plead her case for allowing the use in communion ofhosts that do not contain the food protein gluten, found in wheat andother grains. Church rules maintain that for a wafer -- or host -- tobe 'valid matter' in communion, it must contain gluten. Pelly-Waldman, 30, wants that changed to allow her daughter, Haley,and others like her who suffer from celiac sprue disease, to receivethe sacrament of communion. For people with the disease -- one out ofevery 133 people, according to one estimate -- ingesting gluten causesthe body's immune system to attack the small intestine's lining, whichcan lead to malnutrition and possibly cancer. Pelly-Waldman contendsthat any form of the 'approved' wheat-based host -- including a newlow-gluten version -- can be fatal to Haley. Now I don't mean to bash the RCC here-- there but for the grace of God goes any our spiritual glass houses. And it really makes me sad to to hear of the RCC wanting another ditch in which to die, but I do want to use it to highlight what has become so very wrong with institutional Christianity. When did Chrisitanity become Churchianity? For those of us who believe in the real presence of Christ methinks this story misses a deeper truth. The mystery of the sacrament is not contained in its substance. The sacraments are only made real by the witness of human life. Sort of like the old question about who hears a tree falling in the woods if no one is there. When a community makes Eucharist (gives thanks) together they reveal the deeper communion that is also present-- and more important. Communion is a word for a deep connection with God and with one another. You can't have real communion if that means the little girl has to be excluded from it. What matters most is not the bread, but inclusion. If baptism is full membership in the church (that's the Episcopal way), then there can't be barriers to full participation in the life of that church. We have to make room. If including a gluten-free alternative is what someone needs, then that's what we do. Later in the article the mom says that she doesn't believe that her child's relationship with Christ is affected by an ingredient, a technicality. She also makes a good case for the difference between God's laws and all the others we make around God. I've just never understood the need the legislate the presence of God. |
4,226,535 | male | 42 | Religion | Aries | 13,August,2004 | Okay, okay. I'm finally doing it. The blog thing. It may be nice to have a place to put out some thoughts that are not well rounded, not 'safe', not too manufactured so no one gets pissed at me for sharing what I really think. We'll see. |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 31,July,2004 | I don't know who to trust....and right now, I have to find a way to realx...yes, relax! It's not the end of the world... . My life isn't going anywhere...although it has its told on me (the annoyance that you get for wishing you can do everything at once!). ¬_ ¬ And the time passes...and everyday I grew more weiry. 'Is everything will come out right?' 'Will my life get better?' ~~~~~~~This is my life to control and yet I am drowning in my own tears! Even if this is my life, I don't have control what to expect. But I wish that everything can be in my control and it will always go my way. It's my life...but I'm not in control. |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 30,July,2004 | Everything was good until I have a nap and everything seems like it got from a happy, calm place to a war. **********Sometimes you wish everything would come out right...but then it suddenly backfired and nothing you can do to change it. I never thought that during a little nap..my sister and my friend sees my boyfriend with annoyance and endless talk of nothing. I wasn't even there to turn things around...I wish I was there. Then things can come out right. ~~~~~~Nothing to think about...nothing can change what ppl think. My boyfriend now has the name 'jerk' all over him. Great!!! I am a girl who has a jerk for her boyfriend!! And I thought it couldn't get worse. It all happens with the complaint of a buddy icon. ---_--- |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 28,July,2004 | The lips are so lazy.... it only holds the love within an ehcanting kiss and nothing more. A heart holds many... it holds memories....love... pain...emotions.. But the lips only hold the love within a kiss. So lazy.....nothing else it would hold... Only the kisses' love can be hold by it. Even though that maybe be true... the only thing I can hold is you. In honor of all boyfriends who are honest and truthful towards the ones they love most, thank you. (Trowa-Kun) |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 27,July,2004 | ~~~~~~~~~~I don't know what to believe when a guy leaves and you dont know what on earth he is doing!!! >v **************Yeah, sometimes it's hard...but come on!! It's not like we girls can control! We are not capable to know where you are and what you are doing!!! Give us some slack! We have the right to feel that what you are doing may not be something important.... Trust and honesty is two things that really hold a bond. 'Should I trust him? Should I believe he isn't doing anything suspicious?' Well, do your end of the bargin (trust) and hopefully the other will come back with the truth (honesty) |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 26,July,2004 | My childhood was trash; it's enough to make me sick and make me think I am trash.I don't know why I was born since my parents will divorce and forget about me and my little twin sister. I feel like I am not wanted......my parents just get remarried and got themselves a new daughter. I always thought I was born to be happy and be as wonderful I can be. Now I see myself as a someone who only can dream and wishes. I have no one to depend on...no one to call mommy nor daddy. I always wish to say those words...for just a moment. To see people having moms and dads torn me apart. I am no one's daddy's girl...and I will never will be. The world is playing with me...I am their puppet. I play aong with their tricks...then, just then, when I am happy...they take it all away and let me suffer. They drag me deep into depression. I start to wish for the death of me. But the God just laugh and tell me that I can never kill myself. And it's true....I never want to kill. Will I ever die and live in heaven? Will I kiss those worries away? Will I ever forever sing the melody of the Songs of Dreams?....... |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 25,July,2004 | Sometimes I wish that all guys know how girls feel. But you know, they don't and there comes conflict and such. Sure girls are emotional but at least they are to the heart than and guy can ever wish to be. The way we think and feel...are all connected to the heart. For guys, I would say the brain mostly. They may think well, but they sure can't give good advice when it comes to a relationship. ********Wow! How can you guys guess?!! Well I guess it is noticable how I keep ranting about emotions; yeah, I am right now in an upseting position. But sadly my boyfriend doesn't gets the point. Why? Well, considering how many people who will go to college, my bf is into working all night until like everything is perfect. Well, he never seem to remember that neither his computer nor his work will be there to heal him , love him , hold him , nor risk their life to save his . It's like all he needs is his computer, and no one else will matter. Maybe it's a good time to say that ''I wish I have a boyfriend who is less wanting to work'. At least other ppl's bf is nothing like mine. |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 25,July,2004 | Isn's it odd when your boyfriend say 'I love you and only you''? And then they cheat on you like a week later or something!!! ¬_¬ That should be illegal!!!! Come on!!! Too many broken hearts right after a break up!! Sometimes if that boyfriend doesn't really, really like you, then he should at least don't say 'I love you' so us girls are less likely to feel more pain!! ********** !!!! WARNING !!!! If you are pretty and the guy just keep talking about your looks, you are more likely to be dumped by a guy!!! Come on!!! He doesn't care much about you than he care about your looks! If you exchange bodies with another girl or got into a horrible accident, he will just start looking for someone who's more pretty than you. There maybe no perfect people out there but there are people that that guy can choose from!!! Be aware of this!!! |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 24,July,2004 | ...well I just watched my cousin, Annie, get married yesterday........ ¬_¬ but I'm bored now...... -____- Okay, my boyfriend just came on so I am excited and yet I am upset for thinking how on earth will me and him will be together!!! Should I just leave him and find someone else so I don't have to go through pain and torture or just keep waiting like a abandoned kitten!!? O yeah, decisions decisions!!! But you know I got my way to just wait until you can't wait any longer!!! ^-^ |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 24,July,2004 | ...... O-O ; *blank out* Great...now what I do to this thing?! ¬_¬ ; O, hey! Have you ever been to Gaia online ?!! ^-^ ; o(smooth...really smooth) urlLink www.gaiaonline.com ^v^ ; o(maybe they will pretend I'm not here....) |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 08,August,2004 | Just when you want everything to stay the way it was...you go back to school!! ---_--- I even thought that it was too soon for school!!! But sure enough, things to do and a lot of things to be finished for tomorrow's plan. *****I am in love and well, but as soon as school starts, I may have to reschedule; I wish so much to drown in our loving relationship. But you know, I can talk to him when I'm done with homework and such. Great! Soon he'll have to go to school and more stuff to do will rearrange our lives! *****Okay, I'm a worry wart! I cant stop thinking what will happened if I don't finished it. I want to be happy but doing work is only getting rid of my stress over things. So even if love is the last thing to do....I will always think of it as I told myself 'finish this and you can be with him'. |
4,023,160 | female | 15 | indUnk | Aquarius | 03,August,2004 | Letter from Trowa-Kun that was written on a piece of paper: Dear Trowa-Kun, If you don't remember what happened upon this date, well it is when you need time alone.Sorry to bring this up but I am only writing to inform you how I feel.*** I cried as I thought about how you left without saying a word.I remember how 'mad' you were. I thought you hate me; I thought how much you wish I was dead. I start to remember how you will never say 'I hate you' and how much you want to 'sweep me of my feet' without all of the strictions.I cried even more cause now, I ruined it; I ruined everything. I ruined your life. I bet you wish I was dead and in your head, you're thinking how much I am a B.I.T.C.H. I feel terrible. I feel so low and like the most hated creature on Earth. *a pic of avatar which is sad and depressed as I* I want no hate from you nor the feeling of even one little anger. I wish only happiness for you. Yes, I get depressed, but it's only cause I am doing it for you. I want to get out of your life so you will never feel the need to talk to me. And I will never get you in trouble by not letting you do your work. But today I feel worse; you didn't call me 'koi' like you would normally do when love flooded your heart, and your wanting to be alone destroys all feelings for being together with me. You are strict in you words and not even giving my love for you a second chance. And beyond worse, I feel anger among your heart......anger that's made cause of me. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 24,July,2004 | Well, this is it for me for a while. Alverice and I are going on a week long vacation with my family. Every year they rent a house or two on the Outer Banks. My grandfather and my aunts, uncles and cousins all come and we spend one insane week together. I promise I will return with a plethora of amusing anecdotes about my dysfunctional family, and about how I look in a bathing suit. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 22,July,2004 | It's been urlLink mentioned before , but I just can't stand the way people with infertility are portrayed by the media, especially those who choose to pursue ART (assisted reproductive technology). Unless they are celebrities like Courteney Cox Arquette or Brooke Shields, chances are they will be portrayed as psychopaths with ulterior motives. For once, Hollywood is lined right up with the urlLink religious fanatics who believe IVF is a mortal sin and equate the process to a 'sloppy high school science project' in which lives are casually discarded because the parents are too selfish to accept 'the will of God' that they were 'not meant to have children' ( real quotes from Human Life International's website.) In a different situation, these statements would be seen as ludicrous: 'Oh, you have cancer? Well, sorry, looks like it's not the will of God for you to live. What? You want treatment? Oh no, that would be selfish! Why don't you go pray for a while and let us know how it works out. If it's God's plan for you to live, you will live.' No one in their right mind would actually say this to someone with cancer. But when it comes to infertility there is an astonishing lack of compassion for those unlucky enough to have to deal with it. You don't have to watch much primetime TV to get a glimpse of some of the outrageous views that are out there. Just the other night I was watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent , an episode entitled 'Ill-Bred.' (I know, already you can see where this is going.) The episode is set on a horse farm where there have been some mysterious activities going on. The detectives suspect that the female owner of the farm is using the horses to smuggle cocaine into the U.S. from overseas. When the truth comes out, they discover that in fact, the smuggling was orchestrated by Paige, a stable worker. In addition to running her own little drug cartel using equine uteruses as transport (proving right off the bat that she's a sicko), Paige had also manipulated her husband into having an affair with the married stable owner and made sure that a pregnancy would result by slipping fertility drugs into her husband's chewing tobacco and poking pinholes in his condoms. Her plan was to blackmail the rich owner and then buy her own horse farm, leaving her unsuspecting husband in the dust. Her plan works, until the detectives show up. Now, what frustrates me is that most people won't realize how ridiculous the entire premise of the story is. Most people have no reason to understand how fertility works; it's not something they ever need to think about. As my sister Keegan remarked the other day, 'You don't care how electricity works until your lights go out.' Unfortunately, my lights have gone out and so I've done a lot of research and consequently I know way more about infertility than the average OB/Gyn. (I'm only exaggerating a little.) There are multiple problems with the story, but here are the most glaring. 1) Paige secretly gives her husband the fertility drug gonadotropin in his chewing tobacco. -Gonadotropin cannot be administered orally; it can only be given by injection. I am going to be taking this drug soon, and believe me, if there were any way to take it orally I would know about it! 2) The gonadotropin makes him produce extraordinarily large amounts of sperm, guaranteeing that he will impregnate Paige's boss. -Gonadotropin is regularly used in women to stimulate ovulation. It is rarely used in men, and when it is, it is only for existing problems like an extremely low sperm count. It will not produce 'super sperm' in men who are already producing sperm normally. And among men who do have sperm problems, gonadotropin only succeeds in increasing sperm for about 15% of them. 3) While questioning the husband, Detective D'Onofrio tells him he's been taking fertility drugs. 'That's impossible,' he says. Detective D slyly asks, 'Have you felt an extra 'spring in your step' lately?' 'Yeah,' the husband counters, 'what of it?' Detective D: 'Thank you, fertility drugs.' -This one annoys me most of all because it perpetuates the myth that sperm production is related to libido and sexual prowess. In reality there is no connection. You can't tell how many sperm you're producing by how sexually charged you feel. Fertility has nothing to do with libido. And fertility drugs are not a more expensive alternative to Viagra. In fact, they often have the opposite effect and cause the patient to lose all interest in sex because of the hormonal roller coaster his or her body is subjected to in the course of treatment. So, to sum up, real life people who use fertility drugs are not all crazy, manipulative and greedy. And Law and Order 's writers need to do better research before writing their scripts. Thank you, and good night. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 20,July,2004 | I remember the first time I went on the pill, just before getting married, and how awful and pukey I felt for the first few weeks. So after two days of ingesting my little pink friends, I was feeling rather proud of myself for feeling absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Until yesterday afternoon. At around 4:00 I felt a slight twinge in my forehead, which gradually developed into a full-blown, jackhammer-through-my-temples headache. When bedtime came around my head was still pounding, so I decided to do a bit of yoga to get centered and relax it into submission. I was about 10 minutes into my practice doing a forward bend (and I must say, a pretty good one too, with my chest flat against my legs and my head gently stretching towards the floor) when all of a sudden I was wrenched out of my peaceful zen-like state by a spasm in my esophagus. Before I could utter a single 'om,' I was watching the contents of my dinner plummet towards my sticky mat. Now, I know it's normal to feel nauseous while practicing yoga. But tossing my cookies in a completely inverted position was a brand new experience for me, and one I hope I don't repeat. After cleaning up I decided I'd had enough yoga for one night and crawled into bed with Alverice, who stroked my hair until I fell asleep like the amazing man that he is. Today the headache is still hanging on. I think tonight I'll skip the yoga and go straight to bed. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,July,2004 | Yesterday was the official start of the IVF process, and what a start it was! I had an 8:30 a.m. appointment for my baseline sonogram and day three bloodwork. Since the clinic is about half an hour away, I set my alarm for 7:15, figuring that would give me plenty of time to get nice and pretty for Dr. Ambrosine. Alverice had volunteered to cover for a coworker and was at the office from 11:00 p.m. on Saturday until 6:00 a.m. I never sleep well when he's gone. It's not that I miss him - although I do - it's just that I am such a creature of habit that when something is different it throws me off. Couple that with the fact that Walker has a cold and kept sneezing directly into my face every 5 minutes or so, and that added up to a long night with no sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:30. The next time I looked at it, it was 8:15. What the eff?!? As it turned out, Alverice had climbed into bed at 6:30, and when my alarm went off 45 minutes later he reached over and turned it off without even waking up. Knowing that if I didn't make it to my appointment we would have to postpone our IVF by an entire month, I was frantic. I threw on a t-shirt and jeans, stuffed my hair into a ponytail, ran out to my car and sped all the way to the RE's office, half-awake the entire way. When I got there at 8:50 I dashed into the waiting room and apologized profusely to the receptionist. She gave me a quizzical smile and said, 'Well hello Chelsea ... what are you doing here so early? We have you down for 11:45. Didn't the scheduling nurse call you?' No, in fact, she had not called me. But that's OK, that's OK, the good news is I almost killed myself trying to get to an appointment for which I was three hours early! I waited for an hour, reading National Geographic through bleary eyes. Finally they called me back to get my vein punctured by a very grumpy phlebotomist. I couldn't blame her for being grumpy; who wants to be at work on a Sunday morning? And knowing that your day is going to consist entirely of sticking bitter, barren women with needles? I couldn't blame her one bit. After taking a nice little vial of my blood she directed me back to the examination room with the oh-so-friendly ultrasound machine and told me to strip. For those of you not familiar with the fertility sonogram process, it is not at all like the ultrasound you get once you're pregnant, with the little curved transducer and the goopy lube on your belly. That is a much cuter process than this one. When the doctor is checking out your ovaries, she uses an internal wand. Here's a photo to tickle your imagination. urlLink The ultra-friendly ultrasound wand, AKA the 'dildo cam'. urlLink Thanks to my insanely bad menstrual cramps, it wasn't such a fun time having that thing probing around inside of me. I mean, I'd take it over an HSG any day, but still. I distracted myself by pretending that Dr. Ambrosine was my fairy godmother, waving her wand at my ovaries and giving them magic powers. When the probing was over, she told me everything looked great and we were good to go for IVF #1. She gave me a prescription for birth control pills, which are used to suppress egg production so that when you start the stimulation drugs, it's like 'BAM! Take that, you lazy ovaries!' and they respond by churning out dozens of eggs. I'll receive the details of my protocol in the mail sometime later this week. Basically, my treatment will go something like this: 1)Birth control pills for 4 weeks for suppression 2)Lupron injections for 5 days 3)Gonal-F and Repronex injections for 8-12 days, depending on how I respond 4)Trigger shot 5)Egg retrieval 6)ICSI 7)Blastocyst transfer 8)Heparin treatment 9)Beta test So there it is - 9 easy steps to an IVF cycle. The one thing that makes me the most nervous (besides the fear that it won't work) is the fact that I have a slight needle phobia. Of those 9 steps, 7 involve needles. At one point in the cycle, I will be giving myself 6 injections in one day. Yikes. This is going to be interesting. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 17,July,2004 | Four years ago today, one of my best friends died. He was 23 years old, a victim of depression and alcoholism. I met him when I was 19, the summer after my freshman year of college. We instantly became friends, and after knowing each other for a few weeks we started dating. He was my first serious boyfriend, and it was with him that I learned all of those things you learn in your first adult relationship. We were decidedly amateurs when it came to communication, trust, and balancing time together and time apart. In a couple of months we went from planning our wedding to absolutely hating each other. I was convinced he was lying to me, and he was convinced I was lying to him. (We were both wrong.) After Christmas, I decided not to return to school for winter semester so I could have some space. On Valentine's Day we broke up. For over a year we had no contact. The next summer he came home, and because we attended the same church we inevitably ran into each other. After a few tentative and awkward conversations, we talked about what had gone wrong. We talked about our regrets, and we forgave each other for the hurt we had caused. We developed a friendship that was far more understanding and open than our romantic relationship had ever been. He called me for advice about his new girlfriend, we played our guitars together, he taught me how to make pesto. When I decided to go on a mission to France, he was my biggest supporter, and one of the last friends I hugged good-bye. There's a lot I don't know about what happened in the next several months. I was working hard and going through some enormous challenges on my mission. He and his parents wrote me encouraging letters, and I assumed everything was fine and that he would be around when I got home. It wasn't. And he wasn't. In the four years that have passed, I've learned a lot. I've learned to forgive myself for being so caught up in my own life. For being unaware of the absolute hell he must have been living in. For being powerless to help in any way that mattered. I'm grateful for the time we spent together before I left for France and that I got a chance to say the things I said. Not everyone gets that chance. Most of all, I'm grateful for the peace I have found in my life. I am so blessed with a wonderful husband who is the best friend I could ever ask for, and who makes my life more spectacularly happy than I had ever imagined it would be. I strongly believe that we go on after death, and so I like to think that somehow, my old friend is looking down on me and wishing me well. So today, on the anniversary of a terrible event, I remember all that he taught me, and I thank him. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 16,July,2004 | My husband Alverice* came home from work today and found me lying on our bed in a fetal position, moaning and cursing the day I was born. Naturally, he thought I was dying. Then he saw the heating pad and the bottle of oxycodone and realized that I was just having period-induced cramps. Three weeks ago I had a laparoscopy to investigate my innards, specifically the innards that are related to producing babies. My RE (Reproductve Endocrinologist, AKA Really Expensive fertility doctor) found endometriosis on my ovary, bowel, and the back of my uterus - in endometriosis land, what they call the cul-de-sac. Because of the torture I endure every month, I was not surprised with my diagnosis. In a way it helps to know what's causing the pain and to know that I am not a hypochondriac. There's a cause for what I feel. So I'm glad I have some sort of explanation. Dr. Ambrosine* removed all the endo she could, using a laser (or possibly a light sabre), and also scraped some polyps out of my poor battered uterus. She warned me that my next period would be a doozy. She wasn't lying. I've never been more grateful for percocet. *all names in my blog have been changed (using the urlLink Mormon Name Generator ) to protect the innocent. Plus it's way more fun that way. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 15,July,2004 | Well, here it is...my first post. I'm officially jumping on the joyful blogging bandwagon! I think I'll start with an icebreaker, one of those email surveys we all know and love and forward to all our friends. My good friend urlLink The Anti-Drama Queen posted a survey on hers, and what better way to begin my own blog than by stealing an idea from someone else's? What's the last thing you ate and drank? A huge hamburger from Foster's Grill and a Diet Coke with Lime. Mmmm. Have you ever experienced deja vu? Yes, over and over again. Favorite ice cream? Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk or Cherry Garcia. Edy's Grovestand Peach. Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip. I'm pretty much an equal opportunity ice cream lover. What are you doing this weekend? Officially starting my first IVF cycle. And organizing my closet. What is the most embarrassing item in your record collection? Backstreet Boys 'Millenium'. But that's only because I lost my Spice Girls album. Something you love? Having my feet rubbed. Something you hate? Road rage. Get some perspective people, there are lots of better things to be mad about! Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Only my right one. What are you wearing? Yoga pants and a t-shirt. Do you take a shower every day? No, I take baths to help me relax at night. I have an insomnia problem. Do you have any pets? I have a 7 week old cream and white tabby kitten named Walker. Bikini or one-piece? Oh heavens. I shudder at the thought of either one. The beach is going to be interesting this year. What's your favorite sleeping position? On my side, with two pillows under my head and one between my legs. Countdown of facts about me... 10 bands you've seen live - Oasis, U2, Matchbox 20 (twice), Beth Orton (twice), David Gray, Tori Amos, Switchfoot, Sixpence None the Richer, Noah Paley, Toad the Wet Sprocket. 9 things you're looking forward to - Having a baby, going to the Outer Banks next week, spending lots of time with my husband, seeing my family, getting a tan, going to grad school someday, being skinny again someday, buying a house, organizing my closet (seriously, I'm not kidding). 8 things that you wear daily - underwear, jeans (almost every day), makeup, my wedding ring ... and I'm out. 7 things that annoy you - (ooh, this is going to be easy) Inconsiderate drivers, people who are self-righteous, being awakened in the morning before I need to be, people who get pregnant by accident, people who tell me I'm not pregnant yet because I need to 'relax', when that guy I live with leaves cabinets open after getting something out of them, losing things (have I already named 7?) 6 things you touch every day - My husband, the refrigerator door, a book of some sort, Walker, the keyboard, my hair and lots of other things. 5 things you do every morning - Groan, sleep for 'just 5 more minutes', stretch, pray, eat a bowl of cereal. 4 TV shows you enjoy watching - 24, Friends, The Office, The Simpsons. 3 movies you could watch over and over - Sense and Sensibility, The Matrix, Dumb and Dumber 2 of your favorite songs at the moment - Ryan Adams 'English Girls Approximately', Tori Amos 'Taxi Ride' - who wouldn't love a song that begins with 'Lily is dancing on the table'? 1 person you could spend the rest of your life with - the one I married, which is quite fortunate. Still can't believe I tricked him into it. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 11,August,2004 | Since graduating from college last year, one of the greatest pleasures I have discovered is reading. That may sound odd, considering that I was an English major and did nothing but read (and write about what I read) for a good four years. The difference is, now I can read whatever I want to, and I can do it at my own pace. I've re-read a lot of the books I had read hurriedly for classes and discovered new ideas I missed the first time. I've re-read the entire works of Orson Scott Card and was reminded of why I fell in love with his writing at the age of 13. Yesterday on my way to take a bath (ah, the luxury of my life!) I picked up my copy of The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. I enjoyed it the first time I read it several years ago, and this time it took hold of me so completely that I didn't even notice the bath water growing cold around me until my cat jumped up onto the side of the tub and peered down at me like I was crazy. The Red Tent is a fictional retelling of Genesis 34, the story of Dinah the daughter of Jacob. Following the Jewish tradition of midrash, Diamant makes Dinah the narrator of her own story. In a simple but poetic voice, Dinah recounts the history of her family. Some aspects are familiar - the jealousy between Leah and Rachel, Jacob's wrestling with the angel, the sons of Jacob slaughtering the men of Shechem. The difference is Dinah's voice. She speaks to the reader as if to a friend sitting in the same room. 'We have been lost to each other for so long,' she says in the prologue. 'My name means nothing to you. My memory is dust. This is not your fault, or mine. The chain connecting mother to daughter was broken and the word passed to the keeping of men, who had no way of knowing.' The heart of her story is in the traditions of her mothers, Leah, Rachel, Zilpah and Bilhah. She tells about the work of their daily life: gardening, tending animals, cooking, spinning wool, carrying water, making beer. At a young age she becomes a midwife and learns how to use herbs, incantations, and birthing bricks to help mothers deliver their babies. She also describes the religious traditions of the women, which were completely separate from those of the men. Long before the revelation of the ten commandments and the injunction to 'have no other gods before me,' Diamant speculates that the women likely worshipped a pantheon of goddesses. Some of those mentioned are Gula, goddess of healing, Taweret, goddess of maternity and childbirth, and Innana, the Great Mother and the Queen of Heaven. The center of the women's spiritual lives is the red tent, the place where they gather together to separate themselves from the men while menstruating or giving birth. Far from being a punishment for impurity, this was a time of rejoicing and celebrating life; as Leah puts it, 'In the red tent, the truth is known. In the red tent, where days pass like a gentle stream, as the gift of Innana courses through us, cleansing the body of the last month's death, preparing the body to receive the new month's life, women give thanks -- for repose and restoration, for the knowledge that life comes from between our legs, and that life costs blood.' The women's lives revolve around fertility, pregnancy, and childbirth. The first time I read the story, I was fascinated by this at an intellectual level. Diamant provides many details about the herbs the women used for contraception, the prayers they uttered to induce labor, and the lengths they went to in order to achieve pregnancy. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me that this time, my interest was much more personal. I cried as I read the story of Rachel, who was infertile for many years before finally conceiving. 'Rachel could not smile at her sister while her own body remained fruitless. She was often away from the family's tents, seeking the counsel of Inna, who had a seemingly endless list of concoctions and strategies to open her womb. Rachel tried every remedy, every potion, every rumored cure. She wore only red and yellow -- the colors of life's blood and the talisman for healthy menstruation. She slept with her belly against trees said to be sacred to local goddesses. Whenever she saw running water, she lay down in it, hoping for the life of the river to inspire life within her ... But all these things did nothing for Rachel's womb.' I relate to her feelings of desperation, to her willingness to try anything. That's the same thing I feel as I give myself shots each day and go to seeminlgy endless doctors appointments. And I count myself lucky that I was born in a time when effective treatments are available to me. But there is something they had then that is missing now. Inside the red tent, the women care for one another and remind each other of the miracle of their bodies. While giving birth, the woman in labor is held up on three sides by her sisters while a midwife catches the baby. After the baby is born, they all care for the newborn and the mother until she is well enough to resume her normal life. The world we live in now is very different. Fertility treatments are not discussed openly, and are often kept a secret. Women give birth in hospitals with a husband and often no other women in the room. When she goes home with a new baby, she does it alone, unless she is lucky enough to have a mother who lives near by who can help. We live our lives largely separate from the support of other women. And at this particular time in my life, I grieve that loss. Dinah speaks from the past, reminding us of the stories that are missing and urging us to remember them. 'And now you come to me -- women with hands and feet soft as a queen's, with more cooking pots than you need, so safe in childbed and so free with your tongues. You come hungry for the story that was lost. You crave words to fill the great silence that swallowed me, my mothers, and my grandmothers before them...It is terrible how much has been forgotten, which is why, I suppose, remembering seems a holy thing.' At the end of the book, Dinah leaves us with a promise that if we remember her story we won't be alone. 'Blessings on your eyes and on your children. Blessings on the ground beneath you. Wherever you walk, I go with you.' |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 10,August,2004 | I've been taking Lupron for seven days now. So far it's gone well. The worst side effect has been the headaches. They start every day at around 2 in the afternoon and grow steadily worse until I go to bed. I'm very lucky that I don't have to deal with stress from work or school. I can lie down whenever I need to, do yoga, cook, and just focus on getting through this cycle. The part I was most worried about - actually giving myself the injections - in reality has been the easiest. The first time I did it I sat there with the syringe pointed at my belly for 10 minutes before I finally got up the courage to plunge it in. I did it - and all I could think was, 'Is that it?' The Lupron needle is so tiny that I barely feel it going in. The medication itself does sting for a while afterwards, but it's nothing terrible and I feel much better now about the prospect of giving myself heparin injections for nine months if I am lucky enough to become pregnant. Other than the headaches, the only thing I can complain about is the mood swings. And really, Alverice should be the one to complain about that. For a while he was puzzled every time I'd have an uncharacteristic outburst, but now he seems to be catching on to the fact that I'm going to be crazy as a loon for the next little while. He's been absolutely marvelous. I have a tentative calendar for how this cycle will go. Come on and follow the bouncing fertility ball with me! Phase One: Ovarian Suppression August 4-13 Lupron 10 units daily; Dexamethasone .5 mg daily Phase Two: Ovulation Induction August 14-24 Gonal-F 2 vials daily, Repronex 1 vial daily; Lupron 5 units daily; Doxycycline 100 mg daily (Alverice will take this as well to prepare his sperm for ICSI); baby aspirin therapy I'll be closely monitored during ovulation induction with daily visits to the RE for blood draws and ultrasounds. Phase Three: Egg retrieval August 25 I'll be under general anesthesia (hallelujah!) while the doctor aspirates multiple eggs from my ovaries using a long needle. Begin progesterone-in-oil injections; begin heparin injections. Alverice will give a sample of his sperm the same day, and the lab fairies will combine a few of the good swimmers with a few of my eggs through ICSI (a procedure that has only existed for a few years in which a single sperm is injected with a needle directly into the egg. It is used in cases of severe male factor.) Phase Four: Embryo Transfer August 28-30 Depending on how well they develop, up to 3 embryos will be transferred into my uterus either 3 or 5 days after they are created in the lab. Continue progesterone-in-oil and heparin injections. Phase Five: Beta Test September ? This is where we find out if it worked or not. If it did, I'll continue PIO and heparin shots; if not, we'll decide whether to go straight on to attempt #2 or take a break. The really scary part is that anywhere along the way the whole thing could fall to pieces. I could be a poor responder and not produce enough eggs. I could produce too many eggs and develop OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) which can be very dangerous and result in a cancelled cycle. Our embryos could fail to thrive in the lab. Or they could simply fail to implant after the transfer. As straightforward as the process seems to be, there is so much that could go wrong. Our chances of success are about as good as they possibly can be, but I'm doing my best to prepare myself for disappointment. I'm assuming we'll have to do this several times before succeeding. That way if it happens on the first try, I'll be pleasantly surprised. |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 04,August,2004 | Today is the official start of IVF/ICSI cycle number one. Yesterday I had a hysteroscopy to follow up on the D&C I had during my lap in June. They removed several polyps, and before we begin the IVF process we had to make sure those hadn't resurrected themselves. My first hysteroscopy was last October, and it was a breeze. I actually enjoyed it because the nurse turned the TV screen so that I could see the images they captured of inside my uterus. This time...all I can say is holy frijoles ! As soon as the hysteroscope was in I had cramping like I've never experienced before (and I have endometriosis!) I think my innards were still sore from the lap/D&C because every time Dr. Ambrosine moved the instrument it felt like she was stabbing me from the inside. Luckily the whole procedure was over in about 5 minutes. Today I had my baseline ultrasound (date with Mr. Dildocam) to see if the birth control pills have suppressed my ovaries enough. They have, so Dr. Ambrosine gave me the green light to begin Lupron injections tonight. That is, assuming my meds arrive today. They were supposed to come yesterday but there was a mix-up in shipping at Freedom Drug. The last person I spoke to assured me that I would receive them between 8:00 and 3:00 today, but it's now after 2 and there's no FedEx guy in sight. So we'll see what happens. I'm more than a little nervous about injecting myself; I'm trying to be a grown-up about it and mostly succeeding by forcing myself to think about other things. The most surreal part of today's appointment was making out the check to the fertility center. We're participating in their shared-risk program, in which they require you to pay the full amount for 6 cycles up front. I won't shock you by mentioning amounts, but let's just say it'll be a long, long time before I write a check that large again! |
3,817,025 | female | 26 | indUnk | Aquarius | 02,August,2004 | Well, I promised to return with great tales of familial dysfunction, and I am as good as my word. On our way to the Outer Banks we stopped off in Williamsburg to have a short visit with my grandmother. We have a cute nickname for her which all the grandkids use, but after this trip I think I’ll have to come up with a more descriptive name to call her. (Not to her face, of course.) Within minutes of being in her presence, she looked discerningly at Alverice and me and said, “Hmm, both of you have put on quite a bit of weight.” Now, after knowing her for 26 years I’ve come to expect her to be downright bitchy most of the time, but somehow it still shocks me when she says things like that. “Thanks for noticing,” was the best response I could come up with. A few minutes later when A and I had left the room my dad (who has been under a great deal of professional stress lately and is literally on the verge of a breakdown) took his mother aside and sternly told her she had been rude and demanded that she apologize to us. She refused, then asked my sister Keegan, “Were you raised to disrespect your elders?” A few minutes later we left, and our vacation was off to a joyful start. The week at the beach was actually rather uneventful this year, which is a good thing. Because of my dad’s emotional state, my parents decided to rent their own house separate from the rest of the extended family. This turned out to be a great move; most of the drama usually involves one of my uncles saying something inflammatory and my dad freaking out about it. This year he could just go over to his own house when he started getting annoyed. Also, because everyone was aware he’s having a hard time, there was much less provocation than there has been in years past. My uncles are the kind of people who like to “stir the pot,” so to speak, and they don’t normally have the sense or the emotional maturity to know when to quit. So it was encouraging to see that they’ve learned how to keep quiet, if only for a few days at a time. I think the best part was hanging out with my cousins. There are 12 of us, and we only see each other once or twice a year. I had a great time sitting in the hot tub late at night talking with Chalissa and Rehanna, who are 16 and 17 and both getting ready to apply to college. Every time I see them I’m shocked at how much they’ve grown, and impressed with the wonderful people they’re becoming. Another fun part was that Paradise, my aunt by marriage to my uncle Benteen, brought her mother Audeanne along. It was nice to have a grandmotherly person there, especially since Audeanne is the exact opposite of my own grandmother in every way and is one of the sweetest women in the country. On Thursday night at dinner all of us remarked that the week had gone exceptionally well. The weather was perfect, the water was warm, we ate amazing food every day, and we were all getting along. In retrospect, we really should have seen it coming. On Friday morning my uncle Arville and my dad had a run-in about what to do for dinner that night. I won't get into detail because frankly it's extremely silly and boring. Suffice it to say, words were exchanged. That evening we all went to see The Village (which I loved) and back at the house we all sat in the living room having a nice discussion about the film’s meaning. I wasn’t in the room when it happened, but apparently Arville said something that provoked my dad in just the right way and a nasty, nasty argument promptly ensued. It ended with my parents back at their own house and my uncle fuming at ours until late at night when he seemed to calm down a bit after sitting out on the deck by himself and coming back with an oddly grassy smell. On Saturday morning they apologized and everything was OK again. Just in time for Alverice and me to head back home. So to summarize, we had a good time, and we are now more tired, tan, and fat than we were when we left. Long live the family reunion. |
4,192,943 | male | 15 | Sports-Recreation | Taurus | 10,August,2004 | |
4,192,943 | male | 15 | Sports-Recreation | Taurus | 10,August,2004 | Sexual nightmares NIGHTMARE #1 After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. 'There might be some matches in the top drawer,' she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously. 'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend then?' he asked. 'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear. 'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the operation.' NIGHTMARE #2 The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to him, 'what should I do?' 'Oh-I know.' He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasms with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, 'What are you doing in here?!?' She said, 'Shhhh!,' pointing at the bed, 'You'll wake your mother' NIGHTMARE #3 One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 'Honey, would you give me a blow job?' Horrified, she replies, 'Are you mad? My parents will see us!' 'Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?' He asks grinning at her. 'No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?' 'Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!' 'No way.. It's just too risky!' 'Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?' 'No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!' 'Oh yes you can. Please?' Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, 'Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!' |
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