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3,416,559 | female | 36 | Internet | Aries | 10,July,2004 | I've been playing with the colors. I wanted something a little more summery. Of course, I'll be wanting an Autumn theme in a week or two but maybe by then I'll know a bit more about CSS. |
3,416,559 | female | 36 | Internet | Aries | 06,July,2004 | I'm blogging today because it says in my planner that today I blog. I'm using a Franklin Covey Planner, Daily Classic size with the New Yorker Pages. Those are cool pages they have a mono-tone blue border with the New Yorker font (you'd know it if you saw it.) Everyday it gives a little cartoon - the cartoons have long been the most brilliant part of the magazine - and a funny little news item. The New Yorker has a name for these spots ... I forget it though. Andy White use to write them. That part I remember. Franklin Covey markets their planners as tools to help focus on the important part of life. The Franklin in their name refers to Ben, who kept a little diary where he outlined his goals and plans. It's not so much a journal or a calander, although it's that too. The point is that you use their tools to help focus on what you want to accomplish. They have a series of guides that lead to your writing a mission statement for your life. Then the daily and monthly planners help you keep those goals in focus while getting you through the daily chores of meetings and work and assignments and so on. Personally, suffering as I do from severe depression, I find myself feeling overwhelmed by tasks so I procrastinate and think of it as 'too much.' The more you procrastinate, of course, the more there is to be done and the greater the mental burden. So I've been using my Franklin as a way to keep track - I outline what I want to accomplish step-by-step and I can look and see for myself that I don't have to do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. My planner today says I need to pray, blog and schedule out next week. I've also chosen to clean my room and shower. (Believe me, for a person with depression this is like swimming the English channel, some days.) Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I feel proud that I accomplished today's goals and confident that I can accomplish tomorrow's. It's a major turn-around in my mental process. Here's a link a link to Franklin Covey's site, just because I like to look there - urlLink http://www.franklincovey.com/ |
3,416,559 | female | 36 | Internet | Aries | 01,July,2004 | I have lust in my heart for the Nokia 6630 Smart phone: urlLink Nokia 6630 How can anyone resist this? It's adorable! It's slim and tiny. It holds an hour's worth of video. VIDEO!!! my current phone, the avant-garde 3650 is the spiritual predeccesor of this phone. It's a unique shape with a camera and odd phone number pad. The 3650 can record about 5 minutes of video. This one's smaller (the 3650's main complaint is it's dial and it looks huge in photos, although it's not.) and eschews the odd design for standard number arrangement. Having held the 3650 while taking photos I can see that the shape of the 6630 with the roundish bottom has been designed for better stability. The 3650 has mono sound but the 6630 will have stereo sound and headsets. It's got easily swappable memory chips so you can store mp3's or (I suspect) swap game cards similar to the function on the newest N-Gage QD (Nokia's gaming machine/phone.) They aren't pushing the virtues of the 6630 as a game machine, unlike how they presented the 3650, but it's obvious that it has the features. It also has upgradeable memory chips. It's a series 60 phone with Symbian technology so it will play any of the game that run on the other series 60's. It's got the big video screen that the 3650 boasts - also the joystick. It's got broadband access and the phone can be used as a broadband modem with wireless cards connecting it to your laptop. Also, you can connect with bluetooth. The camera looks like this - 1.3 megapixel camera sensor, effective resolution 1.23 megapixels for image capture (1280 x 960 pixel resolution) and you can instantly print your photos. I could go on about this phone for the next six months which is good because it will be at least that long until it's released. |
3,416,559 | female | 36 | Internet | Aries | 03,August,2004 | Man am I beat. I don't know what the deal is but I've been waking up at 3-4 every day. It's making me nuts. I can't get back to sleep. Actually, that right there is the big issue. When I'm deeply tired I have to consciously relax my mod and mind. It's like prying my fingers off a ledge. And then when I wake up I'm not so tired any more (quite) and it's harder to let go. I've learned in the last year or so how to drift off if I'm deeply tired - the sleep medicine I take helps trigger the sleepiness - but I haven't really learned to fall asleep unless my body's just screaming for it. That's the next step I guess. |
3,305,309 | male | 35 | indUnk | Scorpio | 27,May,2004 | It’s 11:15 in the morning, and my stomach and head are at war. It’s Day One of Phase One of the South Beach Diet revisited, which means I’m on a strict, imbibe-no-crap regimen. It’s also the day we take my co-worker to lunch for her birthday. The Birthday Lunch is a ritual that began when people lived in caves. You can see it on the walls at Lascaux – the piercing eyes of stick figure cavemen imploring, asking the birthday caveman how his mastodon tastes. He responds with a tentative grunt, self-conscious, polite. They make small talk and navigate uncomfortable pauses by taking keen interest in their food. Later, there’s cake. Apparently, we have not progressed. The co-worker assigned to round up the troops lets us know the Birthday Lady has decided on Olive Garden. Olive Garden. Olive Garden, where I can eat exactly one thing on the menu, the Chicken Caesar Salad, and watch the rest of my table feed on sumptuous-smelling breadsticks. Olive Garden, where they serve you salad family style before bringing your meal, which means I will eat redundantly, salad followed by salad. Olive Garden, where the A/C is cranked to nipple-hardening, lip-numbing temperatures, where they bring you full glasses of iced tea rather than just fill your half-filled glass, leading you to feel a contractual obligation to drink more tea, where you are indeed a pawn in some waiter’s kill-the-lunchtime-boredom game of Customer Iced Tea Drinking Races, where the waiter will mention I look tired at lunch when, really, I look ripped-off and petulant, the result of being dragged, not exactly against my will but not exactly out of instinctual, let’s-eat-there impulse, to Olive Garden. They seat seven of us at a ten-top and won’t seat us at the eight-top the next table over because that’s the “training section.” This means we are assuredly in the hands of professionals. Our professional waiter saunters over, suggestive-sells us drinks (we decline), suggestive-sells us appetizers (we decline), and hands us menus, thinking us cheap and unfestive, which is not altogether inaccurate. I look at the menu, scan the items, confirming the worst. Carboload. Carbomax. Carblicious. Carbohydrate Surprise. Carb To My Lou. Carbeteria. Chicken Caesar Salad. Defeatedly, I place my order, and settle into a randomly-firing conversation about negligent boyfriends, mundane vacation spots, and death. No matter how witty your co-workers, no matter how much lemon butter is drizzled over the main course chicken, no matter how quick and efficient your waiter, Birthday Lunch is the Hindenburg of lunch dates. If you live in an office with politics, they will edge the bare spots in conversation and poke through like weeds to sidewalks. If you cannot speak frankly and openly under the flourescent lights of your office, you are doomed to fail under the non-descript light of a chain restaurant. Tempers will flare. Envy will lick its lips and look for a hand mirror. Ennui will take a silent roll through the gates in a giant wooden horse. Birthday Lunch will make you pine for other discomforting engagements, like College Reunion Karaoke Night, or Acquaintance Strip Club Bachelor Party, or Obscure Relative Closed-Casket Funeral. And then, later, there’s cake. If you are dieting, cake means watching other people eat cake. It means singing-in-public punishment and then declining cake reward. It means wearing a forced smile and drinking from a comically-oversized glass of water in a valiant effort to feel full, compliments on your willpower, tsk-tsk chiding from those who can’t resist pointing out, “You don’t know what you’re missing,” when, in fact, you do. It means 15 minutes of conversation with the entire office as difficult to predict as roulette. Could be boredom, could be agitation, could be earnestly funny and the highlight of the work day, could be harrowing cryptic precursor to layoffs and reassignments and general work-related doom. At the point in the proceedings you wish your parents were there, so you could ask to be excused from the table, you may beg off and return your cubicle and let your email and your homepage of choice and your personalized screensaver soothe you back into the space that is no longer shared, to the refreshing consolation that though no man is an island, sometimes, you get to be relatively close to an island – perhaps, an isthmus. And, if you are like me, you know that sometime in the next 364 days, the discomfort of the Birthday Lunch will be on your behalf. And if you are like me, you can’t predict the level of angst or boredom or restless fuss that will tether itself to your day. But you will know, at least, that you will have your pick of restaurants, and one guess as to where you won’t be dragging the rest of the office. |
3,305,309 | male | 35 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,May,2004 | (cross posted to urlLink The Symposium :) I remember it all too well. Several days before the tension-filled Election Day 2000, in which conservatives feared the Gore hydra head would sprout from the Clinton neck, and liberals feared the return-to-fascism movement sure to result from electing Bush II: Electric Boogaloo, one of my friends sent me a blog link that laid out just how the election could end in a tie. Preposterous, I thought, until I actually squinted at the numbers and saw just how such a break was within the realm of possibilities. The states in play could have, with just the right nudges here and there, dispensed the 538 electoral votes evenly, 269 for each side. Of course, we ended up with something far worse: the limbo in Florida, which effectively put the election into the hands of the nine Supreme Court justices. In other words, when Bush the Elder was effectively able to imbue the Clarence Thomas hearings with an innocent-until-proven-guilty climate more suitable for a courtroom (which it felt like) rather than a job interview (which it actually was), he was setting the table for the deciding vote that would, about a decade later, allow his son to take over the ultimate family business. The country, for better or for worse, healed from the mess of the elections, and Bush was inaugurated with no more glee from the winning side or bitterness from the losing side as in past elections – the losing side invoked more robbery motifs this time around, but do you really think the left hated GWB any less than the Bush with four initials or Reagan or Nixon? The continuum of jealousy and hate for the losing side just transfers from elected candidate to elected candidate. The fact that GWB couldn’t even muster a popular majority made it a little worse, but in the end, he was our president, and it wasn’t like any buildings had collapsed or anything. Actually, that came eight months after the inauguration, and in the crumbling ruins of the World Trade Center and the damaged wall of the Pentagon came the purpose of the Bush presidency. He went from ineffectual gee-whiz boy king to aggressive ideologue with conviction in several epoch-defining hours. Somehow, along the way, Bush has invaded and invoked a successful regime change in Afghanistan without finding the one person we wanted to find in the invasion, and has attempted and is currently floundering with regime change in larger, more advanced, and infinitely more complex Iraq. That, in conjunction with a foundering economy that is only now, arguably, beginning to find its way again after two years of recession and three years of negative job growth, makes the 2004 election a referendum on Bush. As a staunch liberal, I’d like to think that this truly is a choice between Bush and Kerry, except Kerry has become something of a non-entity so far – merely a “not Bush” box to x or not x. Kerry, to make a crass analogy, became the most convenient Democrat for the party faithful to bed, after we realized that Dean was too “hot,” as the pundits have labeled him, or as we like to call him post-scream post-Iowa, “totally crazy.” If this campaign was a night out on the town, Kerry was the one we started dancing with about 1 a.m. (Iowa), went home with for the night at closing time (Super Tuesday), and have now woken up next to at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning (mid-May polls, showing Bush and Kerry in a statistical dead heat), not quite sure if we should go out to breakfast with him or let him sleep, stuff our panties in our purse, and take the walk of shame back to our apartment. But we haven’t just had a one-night stand with him; we’ve pinned our hopes on him to somehow become the 44th President of the United States. We recognize his shortcomings, and yet, we’re stuck with him. And now, we're just plain stuck -- the AP-Ipsos poll released last week show that there's a deadlock in electoral votes at this juncture, six months before the election. 205 votes seem to have been locked up by the incumbent, and 205 seem to have been locked up by the challenger. What we have left is 128 electoral votes, dispersed among 12 states, to be divvied up between the two people left, in a nation of 250 million, who have a realistic shot of seeing us through the next four years. And no, Nader’s not a viable option. To the left, Nader is a galling presence, an egomaniac who is going to suck votes from the disenchanted left – votes that would otherwise have nowhere else to turn but to Kerry as the anti-Bush. This is perhaps not a shocking revelation, but once again, the election might boil down to what happens in Florida. Other states are up for grabs, of course, and some of them, including the Pacific Northwest states and the Rust Belt states, seem like they might swing Kerry’s way. Arkansas, despite the Clinton residue, seems like it’s ultimately Bush territory, and even though Missouri and Iowa proved key states in Kerry’s walk to the nomination, they’re still so surrounded by Red America states that the peer pressure might swing at least one of them Bush’s way. What we might see, ironically, for the second time in four years, is the winner of the popular vote losing the electoral vote. Unless something dramatic happens in the next six months (the capture of Osama Bin Laden, a drastic change of fortunes in Iraq, a dramatic spike in jobs gained or economic numbers), I’m seeing the American public remain polarized, and I’m seeing Nader’s possible jump to the Reform Party (which gives him access to the ballot in Florida, Michigan, and five other states) having a decisive effect on the total electoral ballots. As we look to see polling numbers for New Mexico and Nevada in the coming months, as we bite our nails over the numbers coming out of Ohio and Florida, and as we’re ignoring three-fourths of the states under the assumption they are foregone conclusions, we’ll have plenty of opportunity to wring our hands about the electoral college system – particularly one set up for a 269-269 tie. On one hand, it’s brilliant, in that it forces candidates to go state-by-state, addressing myriad issues in a variety of American landscapes. But for voters like me, in perhaps the reddest of Red America states, in a city where we just voted down giving our mayor and city council members a livable wage by a 2-1 margin, in a Congressional district recently reconfigured at the behest of Tom DeLay, it feels as futile to cast my ballot for John Kerry in 2004 as it did for Al Gore in 2000. In Florida and New Mexico, in the 2000 election, a college auditorium’s worth of itinerant drifters voting as a block could have shifted the presidency to Gore or shored up Bush’s numbers. I’m not saying voter turnout should include buses and cheap apartments for adventurous post-college wayfarers willing to live in Ohio long enough to punch a ballot a particular way, but if you live in Texas, California, the South, or New England, don’t expect many Bush/Cheney commercials to get in the way of your summer reruns. If you live in the handful of states that will actually matter, though, steady yourself for the barrage. Kerry made a point throughout the primaries to talk about how much he loved Iowa. As one of the battleground states for ’04, he’s going to love it so much you’ll think he wants to marry it. And in the non-battleground states, we’ll get to hear every rhapsodic word from Bush and Kerry, and be jealous. And as long as we don’t cheat on either of them with a Nader vote, they won’t care. |
3,305,309 | male | 35 | indUnk | Scorpio | 22,June,2004 | The sunrise in Las Vegas is not like sunrise in the rest of the world. Which is quite fortunate for the rest of the world. You see, for most of the world, sunrise is the most purposeful time of day. For most of the world, save for the poor souls working night shift, morning is get-at-it time. The first few lemon-yellow rays appear in the east, the twittering machine of birds starts up, lights click off as punctuation. They're all signals to get moving, to start a new day, to brew coffee and read the paper and embark on whatever rituals we've adopted in the dubious but crucial goal of getting from a prone position on a bed to an upright position in an office. If you've been to Las Vegas, you know that sunrise is the one time of day Las Vegas looks completely out of synch with itself. Yes, if you look hard at the hotels along the Strip, you can still see signs that life exists in the way we'd expect it to in Vegas. Cab drivers are moving tourists out of the hotels, with the implicit promise they'll be moving more in later in the day. A few stragglers, presumably placing their faith in a law of averages that rewards their tenacity, are seated at slot machines in windowless and massive hotel lobby casinos. You can even see a few people who have taken it upon themselves to honor some unspoken code of Vegas, literally partying all night, retreating to their hotel rooms. Some of them even manage to not look bleary and shaky doing so. For a city that prides itself on nightlife and makes its fortune on gambling and is awash in thousands upon thousands of electric lights, sunrise is a caesura more than an event. It's when Vegas is least like Vegas, and is more like any other decent-sized American city in which people struggle with their alarm clocks, fumble their way to consciousness, and fill the air with smog on their way from the house to the job. Of course, to most of those who visit Vegas each year -- the literal millions of them -- they're not likely to see sunrise. This is probably one of the few times in their lives they not only get to sleep in, but feel they are expected to. Even if you tell yourself you're merely in observation mode, and you're driving around Vegas at sunrise with the resolve to not get sucked in by Vegas's temptations (and the resultant smugness that comes with it), know that Vegas is aiming one of its sequined arrows at your heart. It knows you have a weakness -- that there is something base and carnal within you that cries out for fulfillment. The billboards will seek you out. There are seven deadly sins. If it's not a high-level vice like sex or gambling, maybe it's something on the order of hobnobbing with Klingons at the Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience or eating a sushi dinner. At nightfall, Vegas truly becomes Vegas, blotter-thick with images that either find their way onto postcards or are judiciously airbrushed from postcards: the lights, the buffets, the rows of street urchins clicking their escort services ad cards in the hopes you will make eye contact with them (which pretty much dooms you to taking one, and you only make that mistake once), the come-hither enticement of rows of slot machines, and come to think of it, the slippery-voweled double entendre of 'loose slots.' At nightfall, Vegas becomes the full manifestation of Vegas. Vegas the city becomes Vegas the archetype. At sunrise, Vegas is something else entirely, but it's still not nearly as dormant as the majority of its tourists are. Vegas at sunrise, you see, is not resting. It's reloading. I’m sure this is not a novel thesis, but it’s one that bears repeating and reinforcing, so we can better understand our nation’s love affair with Las Vegas – the love that makes the little desert outpost that is McCarran International Airport the eighth busiest airport in the world. Las Vegas, even without a major sports franchise [1], even though it is currently ranked between Louisville and Jacksonville as the 51st largest media market in the nation, is the ultimate American city. New York might have the history and the melting pot, Los Angeles may have the most fertile climate for rags-to-riches ascent, Washington D.C. is the seat of power, and a number of cities would lay claim to being the most representative of the current America or the new, burgeoning America, depending on what thesis on America circa 2004 you’re trying to forward. But nowhere is the drive to consume, defended to the death as the pursuit of happiness, more evident than in Las Vegas – which makes Las Vegas, to me at least, the ultimate American city. Vegas is where countless Americans come to play, and though there's not the sense that you can find everything you want in Vegas, like there is New York, there's definitely the sense that you can have your pleasure sensors suitably sated and diverted by its range of offerings. Chances are, you're not going to find that obscure album you've been scouring the bins of your mid-American record stores for in Las Vegas, but that same desire to be entertained will be filled by a stage show which will attempt to justify its ticket price in a sheer display of over-the-topness. Go down the list of the fancier Strip hotels, and you can tick down the fantasy locations of a broad cross-section of Americans, depositing them in their choice of comfortable, dangerless recreations of where they'd most like to be. The Paris, the Monte Carlo, and the Venetian all conjure up images of a well-to-do, come-on-in-Americans version of Europe which may not be so welcoming in the George W. Bush era. The Mirage is a mélange of tropical settings which, through a name suggesting the windows of the imagination, isn't bound by any sort of geographical assignation whatsoever. The Excalibur, Caesars Palace and the Luxor opt for taking the guest back to a time in which their setting was the most desirous location to the people of that epoch -- certainly similar to how Americans view the United States of today. The Bellagio, though it hints at an Italian theme, seems to shoot for an aesthetic based on pure wealth. If you look closely at the signs in front of what will become Wynn's, the newest and shiniest of the Strip hotels, you can see construction permit signs that read 'La Reve.' According to the Vegas native who served as my de facto tour guide for my last trip to the city, La Reve was too obscure and too hard to pronounce for most everyone, so developer Steve Wynn, the force behind Bellagio, Mirage, and Treasure Island, in a move hinting at both frustration with our plebeian ways and a Napoleonic ego, slapped his own name on the project and left it at that. Steve Wynn is responsible for maybe my favorite juxtaposition of highbrow and lowbrow in the city -- the Wynn Collection. The museum, on the site of the former Desert Inn, features a dozen or so works by the likes of Picasso[2], Gauguin, and Matisse. You'd know this, even if you weren't an art aficionado, because the jumbotronic LED sign out front, which looks like it wouldn't be at all out of place fronting a suburban strip mall, scrolls through a series of messages: Works by Pablo Picasso (flash, flash) Paul Gauguin (flash, flash) Henri Matisse (flash, flash) Here, on a giant tacky sign on a street resplendent with giant tacky signs, in a city resplendent with giant tacky signs that all ache to be giant tacky signs with Las Vegas Boulevard addresses, some of the most admired painters of the 20th Century are relegated to the same mode of advertising as $5.99 dinner specials and 'loose slots.' The sign would not look out of place at the aptly-named Terrible's Casino, as a matter of fact. But the giant sign reminds you that it is, in fact, Steve Wynn's ragingly expensive art collection housed here, and even though the gallery exterior is slight on ambience, he does lord over works by some of the undisputed masters of 20th Century Art. And you're not likely to forget it. After all, Wynn Collection. If you're in the mood for more aptly-curated, ragingly expensive art, you can wander over to the Venetian, walk under its very pink, very garish, very frescoed and not-quite-authentic-looking ceilings, and go to the Guggenheim Hermitage Museum, which boasts collections that wouldn't at all be out of place at the Whitney or MOMA. And then, in the spirit of having it all, you can walk for three minutes and plop down at a Wheel of Fortune slot machine, letting the lights and the hysteria and the promise of a magic, jingly pull suck you in. -- It wasn’t always like this, of course. Las Vegas was connected to railway by 1905, and what became known as Glitter Gulch, the downtown enclave of casinos now firmly entrenched as the Strip’s tacky, embarrassing older brother, sprang up in the following decades. The hotel-casino concept started in Las Vegas with the Rancho El Vegas in 1940. The Flamingo, the first of the Strip hotels still around today, opened in 1946. The Riviera was the first of the Strip high-rises, built in 1955. Before that, the relatively squat Desert Inn, with a third-floor “skyroom,” was considered the place to go for a panoramic view of the city and the surrounding valley. The Rancho El Vegas began booking stars in 1941 to begin entertaining guests, and topless showgirls made their debut in 1957. A century earlier, Mormons settled in the area, later abandoning their modest adobe homes due to Indian raids. There’s still a sizable Mormon population in Las Vegas, even though there may be no worse place on Earth to be Mormon. [3] When I announced to acquaintances living in Vegas that I was writing an essay about Vegas as the ultimate American city, even though I was doing so online, I could see the dramatic eye rolling and hear the expelled sighs that accompanied their online responses. The message could be summed up to say, 'Here we go again,' and indeed, they want to point out something that was clearly evident from driving off the Strip and into its residential clusters -- Vegas is not a 24/7 party for most of its residents. There are not showgirls hanging out on every corner waiting to do a lavish musical number when the light changes from red to green. They wanted to make clear that Vegas is full of normal people having normal lives, in the same way that people from Dallas want to clarify that not everyone in Dallas wears a cowboy hat and lives on a ranch, in much the same way that people from Detroit want to point out that not everyone in Detroit lives in crumbling tenements and get around by stealing other peoples' cars. Indeed, if you drive east of the Strip, past the airport, for about 10 or 15 minutes, you pass Henderson and then go into the heart of Green Valley, a 13,000-acre master planned community that is as lush and green and SUV-compatible as any other upscale suburban enclave you can picture in your part of the country. Its primarily tourist attraction is the Ethel M. Chocolate Factory and Cactus Garden, which is exactly as advertised. You can tour the chocolate factory in a brisk ten-minute walk, browse in the gift shop (where the tour ends up, naturally), and then stroll outside to the cactus garden on the grounds, which allows you to learn more about indigenous desert plants than you ever thought possible with a box of chocolate tucked under your arm. Green Valley, perhaps more than anything else in Vegas, hints at a normalcy along the lines of, say, a suburb in Phoenix, which might be as staidly normal as America gets. But this being Vegas, the normalcy feels worn more than owned -- an Epcot version of normal, a normal that looks as thematic and carefully contrived as anything on the Strip. There are, after all, slot machines in the grocery stores in Vegas, newspaper vending machines full of escort services publications lining arterials well off the Strip, and fanciful backdrops of the Strip skyline behind the anchors delivering the local news. Many of Vegas's residents want to be thought of as normal people living in a normal city, but there's only so much of a case you can make for it before you say, 'Yeah, but' and demand a local takes you to see Wayne Newton's house. Though some might refuse, others will invariably oblige, a little proud that they can lay claim to something that, while kitschy, is actually oddly iconic. [4] Incidentally, the Wayne Newton house, which is really an estate called Shenandoah, is on that drive between the Strip and Green Valley at the corner of Sunset Road, a major east-west arterial connecting the Strip and the freeway to the eastern reaches of the Vegas Valley, and Pecos Road. Shenandoah is in that uniquely conflicted realm between tasteful and tasteless that seems to be quintessentially Vegas and not really anything else. It wants to invoke the majesty of a Kentucky thoroughbred ranch, and at the same time, it wants its gilded golden gates and its placard-bearing public art. To give you some indication of the sort of world we're in, Mike Tyson's house is about a block down Pecos, and it's infinitely more tasteful, the sort of house that gives me house envy (and my tastes run toward the clean and uncomplicated, just so you know). The only thing that even began to reveal the eccentricities of the owner inside was the rows of portable outdoor heaters along the walkways, strategically placed so Tyson could theoretically walk around the grounds of his house without experiencing a moment of cold; I can't say that's a particularly bad thing at all. And we're not even in Vegas here -- we're in Henderson, where Vegas tries hardest to assert its normalcy, its just-like-youness, its anonymity. And yet, in this unassuming part of the metropolis, an instantly recognizable pop icon could call out 'Hi, neighbor' and wave to one of the most notorious public figures of the last quarter-century, and then go back into his walled estate in preparation for another night of entertaining tourists from all over the world in a theater that bears his name. With me, at least, the 'we're just like you' argument isn't flying. -- In a city where most of the tourist activity focuses on a single street, it's not surprising that so many of the Strip hotels want to control the vertical as well as the horizontal. The Bellagio has an elaborate series of motorized fountains in its massive pool fronting the Strip sidewalk. Every fifteen minutes, the Bellagio puts the fountains to work in a show marrying a song (could be Sinatra, could be Celine Dion, could be the National Anthem, could be anything emblematic and in broad brushstrokes really) with a synchronized dance of water jets. From across the street, at the Paris, one can see the show from the outdoor café terraces or from the air in the half-scale Eiffel Tower model. The Stratosphere Tower, at 1,149 feet, is the tallest observation tower in the United States. Because it wouldn't be enough to have the tallest building in Vegas, the observation deck, at over 900 feet, boasts a roller coaster, a ride called the X Scream which basically dangles its riders over the side of the tower and then -- perversely -- stops there to let you peer at a potential death-by-falling, It also features a ride called the Big Shot which takes you 160 feet above the observation deck at a force of 4 Gs. It would seem that sadists got together to decide what attractions would be placed at the Stratosphere, though you can already see that someone in some marketing Gulag assigned to promote these rides would refer to fans of this sort of thing as 'ultimate thrill-seekers.' And finally, the winner of the Sky Sweepstakes may be the Luxor -- built as a giant pyramid with a replica of the Sphinx of Gaza out front -- which projects a toxically-bright beam of light from its top triangular windows to the heavens once night falls. I'm no physics major, so I have no idea if there's a point where the light just dissipates to nothingness. I assume it does. Maybe it does go to infinity. I feel I should know this, and I feel like a failure for not being able to conclusively state where the Luxor's light stops. All that really matters from a Vegas standpoint, though, is it reaches higher than anything else on the Strip, and if you're out on the eastern edges of town, past the airport, toward the fringes of Ostensibly Just Like You-land, you can see it. It sure as hell reaches higher than the Stratosphere Tower does. -- The hotels themselves, from personal experience and reports from other friends, shape up this way: opulent, grandiose lobbies that give way to hotel rooms with sumptuous bathtubs and views resplendent with neon streaking. Which sounds good, except Vegas hotels also tend toward bed-pillow ensembles that don't so much beckon you to sleep a languid sleep as they do forcibly recharge you for another day of gambling. They also fuel you in the form of in-house restaurants that carboload you to absurd levels of satiation for considerable prices. Cheap buffets can be found if you look hard enough, though it's clearly in the spirit of getting what you pay for. Your idea of romance has to encompass an ability to laugh at kitsch together; fortunately, this works out quite well for my wife and me. But Vegas, at some point in the proceedings, would really rather have you peel off from one another, perch you side by side at slot machines, and let you have at it. After all, Vegas is not built on letting you hole up in a hotel room that can be had for as little as $79 a night. There's also shopping to be had, with the two best examples being the Forum at Caesars Palace and the Grand Canal Shoppes (sic) in the Venetian Hotel. The Forum, though it has a wide assortment of stores housed under a fake Roman setting complete with columns and a vast, ice-blue sky filled with puffy cumulus clouds, doesn't necessarily have to be walked through to get the full effect -- you can do that just as well by watching what might be the consummate Vegas movie, Showgirls . There's a critical scene in which Elizabeth Berkley's Nomi Malone character bonds with Gina Gershon's Cristal Connors character while enjoying a ridiculously indulgent lunch at a 'patio' table on the Forum walkway, contrasting their good fortune with the particular brand of dog food they both favored in considerably leaner times, to make the rags-to-riches nature of their story just that much more blatant. The movie casts Vegas as a sort of purgatory, and at the end of the movie, when Nomi leaves Vegas behind after committing a horrible-but-justified (in this setting, at least) crime, hitching a ride to Los Angeles, L.A. becomes cast as heaven. No, scratch that. Vegas is cast as sort of a reverse purgatory, where, once you've adequately blackened your soul, you are expelled into the bowels of hell -- here, Los Angeles in all its plastic, money-grubbing horror. The subtle undercurrent message of the movie (if such a thing can be said for the movie that put Joe Eszterhas on the map) is that Vegas is able to tart up the grit enough to keep it from being a Boschian landscape of soot-encrusted hard luck stories. The Forum at Caesars Palace is one of these freshly-painted tableaus hoisted up to hide the treachery and inevitable fall from grace that L.A. is notorious for. But then again, I'm not a big L.A. fan. The Grand Canal Shoppes, on the other hand, demand to be walked through -- or better yet, demand to be journeyed through in a gondola steered by some minimum-wage lackey in a festive striped shirt, to get the full effect. Yet there is one on-screen moment that allows one to get the sense of the onslaught that is the GCS without actually setting foot (or splashing down) inside it. Through some odd coincidence in which televisual life synchs up with your lived life, my wife and I saw the Regis Galerie segment of the Michael Jackson BBC special only several hours after walking though the real Regis Galerie ourselves. If you recall, there's a scene in which Jackson takes now-notorious documentarian Martin Bashir through Regis Galerie. Jackson proclaims the store, located in the Grand Canal Shoppes, as his favorite place to shop. Regis Galerie specializes in Hideous and Overpriced Art -- a lot of bronze, a lot of splashy paintings -- the type of place where they don't mind throwing around terms like 'giclees.' You do not want to break anything in this store, and unless you tend toward the gem-encrusted or the ornate, you probably do not want to buy anything in this store. It's like Versailles without the necessary spacing -- everything is clumped together in rows, with aisles far too narrow to be reasonably sure you won't catch your foot on the corner of something that will cost you $10,000 in a dangerous game of You Break, You Buy. You can see why Michael Jackson would like a place like this. Remember, this is a man who tends toward sequins and gold trim and get-ups that make him look like a general in the Army of Oz. Even with his current legal troubles, he still strikes me as the celebrity most likely to wear a crown in public. So I can't imagine why he wouldn't find Regis Galerie attractive. Is it too reductive to reduce the entire shopping complex into what might arguably be its most narrowly specialized store? Perhaps. Yet when it comes to crystallizing the horrors of more-money-than-taste that can be had at the GCS, I keep flashing back to that scene in the Bashir movie, brilliant in its ability to catch Michael Jackson in a swoon over art that, despite its hundreds of hours to make and thousands of dollars to buy, would set any good normal American, even those who make the pilgrimage to Vegas to nibble from Eve's apple, into icy recoil. -- Of course, there's a whole other route to excess in Vegas that doesn't require a continual hemorrhaging of money, but rather, one hefty payment upfront, and that's the Vegas show. The stage shows, as you might expect, are elaborate affairs that try to dazzle and overwhelm. Any attempt to connect on an earnest level seem doomed for failure, though Rita Rudner has carved out a niche for herself at New York New York that I imagine few could have predicted. Celine Dion, on the other hand, was probably on a trajectory for her own Vegas show from the time her emotive-yet-manly flexing moves entered her onstage repertoire. With Siegfried and Roy on permanent hiatus, an impressionist/singer named Danny Gans (who shared face time with S&R in Mirage's full-court-press billboard campaign) is now ruling the Mirage [5], and the Amazing Jonathan, who appears to be a rougher, more plebian version of Gans, features at the Flamingo. You can, reductively, still group most of the Vegas show set into three categories: B and C-List Stars In Freefall, Multi-Taskers You've Never Heard Of, and Elaborate Stage Shows With Complete Unknowns (Featuring Breasts). But then you have to also figure in Cirque de Soleil, and that has completely changed the landscape of Strip hotel entertainment, thank God. Currently, Cirque de Soleil is ruling the roost in Vegas, show-wise, and that's really not a bad thing. There are three official CdS shows currently running -- Mystere , at Treasure Island, which appears to be the most run-of-the-mill of the three; Zumanity , at New York New York, which is adult and racy and apparently so pointedly ribald that Paris Hilton walked out on it, according to Local Tour Guide after one of the troupe members pointed to her table and said, 'Here's where all the prostitutes sit;' and O , at the Bellagio, which is of such a startling scale that it probably merits an essay all to itself. Cirque de Soleil does not translate to TV, although the Bravo cable channel certainly tries by airing CdS specials whenever it's not airing Queer Eye for the Straight Guy . This is especially true of O , a show involving 81 performers, a deluxe theater at the Bellagio with a 1.5 million gallon tank of water with moving sections of floor, constantly shifting from pool to stage to stage with sections of pool. The whole show is stunning, and given that our tickets were $150 each (when my wife and I went), it's a good thing that it is so stunning. Even the opening unfurling of the curtain is orchestrated to be stunning. There are some vague themes and emotional tones in the piece, but if you broke it down and analyzed it, I think you would only make yourself sick, so really you should just watch it and enjoy it for the eye candy it is. And at the risk of sounding like a bourgeois consumer that can't quite make it to highbrow, you need to see this show when you're in Vegas -- yes, you, dear reader -- than for no other reason but to have this remain at one end of your theater spectrum. For the other, you should see a single actor perform Wallace Shawn's The Fever . Those are probably the most extreme theater poles you could seek out. [6] Of course, you don't have to spend a Benjamin or more to see Vegas at its most over-the-topability. If you're going to see one schlocky, free piece-of-crap production, I heartily suggest The Sirens of TI , an elaborate 20-minute stage show designed for public consumption (sort of) which also doubled as the opening PR gambit in Treasure Island's transformation into TI. Back when Treasure Island was Treasure Island, they'd do a show out in front of the hotel where the pirate ship sinks the British ship. The show was predictably thematic, full of yo-ho-hoing and appropriately festooned with skull-and-crossbone flags and eyepatches. Treasure Island is now -- avast! -- trying to remake itself into something younger and sultrier, in order to compete with the other hotels. Ergo, TI. But unfortunately for them, the TI logo has arrived on its giant light-up sign out front looking vaguely like the opening card on a children's video, and the calling card for TI has turned into a show that strives to be, above all else, babelicious. There's still a pirate ship in The Sirens of TI , but it's placed in more of an adversarial role. Indeed, the show is essentially a chance to get away with as many clumsy sexual allusions as possible and sink a boat in the process. We start with voice over announcing that it's the 69th day at sea for the pirates (see, not subtle), and a cabin boy alights upon the deck of the Sirens' boat. The Sirens establish themselves early on, through dancing and costumes in the opening number, for lack of a better term, as hotties. They establish their characters, and the character of the show, early on. The leader of the Sirens, Cinnamon, asserts that you can call her 'Cin' (wink, nudge), and makes it a point to inform the audience about all the 'seamen' she's brought into her 'cove.' (I wish I were kidding.) It goes on from there to feature babe dancing, the emergence of the pirate ship, babe boasting, babe dancing, some pyrotechnics, the sinking of the pirate boat, and pirates boarding the deck of the siren boat for pornographic cavorting about. The music's horrible, too -- a collision of rock and schlock, truly outrageous in the cartoonish way that Jem (obscure '80s reference) was truly, truly outrageous. It's as if the producers said, 'Okay, here's a concept: let's make a show that's reeaaaally bad ... but we'll say it's good!' Clearly, though, there's something great about the show, if I can give you a cursory 'Go see O ' without describing a single scene, and yet painstakingly break down the Sirens show plot point by plot point. What's great about Sirens is this: people stay through the whole thing. Stunningly, some video tape it. As in record. The whole thing. I joked to my wife, in the post-show, shaking-our-heads analysis, that if I was recording it, I'd be a few minutes into it and go, 'Ohhh, okay ... never mind,' and pull the camera down. But not these people. They were dutifully filming the whole thing. You would think that's nothing special, since, you know, Vegas, tourist, videocameras. Yet this phenomenon is rarer than you'd think in Vegas. I didn't see a lot of the compulsive videotaping people you'd expect at other tourist destinations. I'm guessing that, other than the fact that a spinning slot machine doesn't translate well to the small screen, especially if it's spinning for several hours at a stretch, it's because people are indulging in behaviors they might not want recorded. The new motto for Vegas (this is the official motto, mind you, from their CVB) is 'What Happens Here, Stays Here.' By that line of reasoning, if you record it, it goes with you. And I think, really, Vegas resists recording. It has to be experiential. You can't adequately film the adrenaline roller coaster that accompanies slot machine reverie or blackjack gaming or the tense, sinister-looking game called Pai Gow Poker, which involves some cryptic mix of cards and dominos, played by some of the most focused people in the casino, who also happen to be the people who look most like bit players in Bond movies. And I'm pretty sure you can't just take a video camera into one of the many strip clubs in Vegas, speaking of what happens here stays here. Someone was telling me there's something like 28 strip clubs in Vegas, and though I don't know it empirically, I'm willing to guess that there's a whole other archetype in Vegas -- namely, the archetype that sports radio talk show host Jim Rome likes to call the This Stripper Really Likes Me Guy. During my last stay in Las Vegas, there was a news story about a hearing involving Dennis Rodman, who got a DUI for wrecking a motorcycle in front of a strip club called Treasures. I saw enough billboards and alt-weeklies and heard enough sports talk radio during the trip to get a sense that the This Stripper Really Likes Me Guy is well taken care of in Vegas. Again, it makes sense -- a sort of deductive reasoning sense -- in Vegas. In our society, sex is still largely in the realm of the forbidden, and strip clubs effectively make sex commerce, put a price tag on human contact, and in the relatively brief interchanges in which dancers and customers, meet, talk, carve out what appears to be a temporary, mutual semblance of love, and consummate the illusion via lapdance, the feeling like love becomes a commodity itself. And then, with relative tidiness, the dancer moves on to create similar connections with other customers, and the customer can walk out of the establishment and back to his life again, wearing the cloak of anonymity most of us wear. (Or, if you're not anonymous, like Dennis Rodman is not, you can just wreck your motorcycle in front of the strip club and add to your already inflated and even tired bad-boy lore with maximum effectiveness, for what in our culture says bad boy more than hangs out at strip clubs, sports tattoos, and rides a motorcycle?) The strip club makes sense in Vegas, more so than it does in Oklahoma City or Indianapolis, or in my hometown of San Antonio, which has recently passed a new set of rules banning dancer-customer contact as part of a moralist campaign that has also placed new regulations on one of the other permissible evils of our day and age: smoking. San Antonio isn't alone in setting up special rules around strip clubs, and in any other American city but Vegas, rules set up to regulate strip clubs is not a particularly shocking development. But Vegas reasons that there's nothing wrong with it. In a world where everything is reduced to crass commerce, why not the courtship ritual and a grinding intimacy, too? I imagine, that if our technology ever produces a marketable, consumable virtual sex arcade, Vegas will become the place to test drive it. Like the indoor skydiving room just off the Strip, like the jousting tournaments at Excalibur, like the close encounters with Klingons at the Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience , Vegas wants to take what might reside in the more fantasy-laden realms of your imagination and vivify them into glaring Technicolor reality. Not even decorum need be an obstacle, the 28 gentlemen's establishments of Vegas seem to tell you in one throaty voice, as long as you create a culture of permission. After all, as even the CVB tells you, what happens here, stays here. -- But Vegas is not just a magnet for degenerates looking to escape their lives, to exchange their gritty existences for elaborate fantasies. I would say that a majority of the millions of tourists who come through each year are here to, mechanically and with purpose, play games of chance in the hopes of making money. And so, we can't really talk about Vegas without mentioning the Octogenerian Slot Machine Players. They're an archetype unto themselves, and as with other Vegas archetypes, they only become archetypical in the rarefied air of Vegas. In their normal, day-to-day lives, they're pleasant, retired people, many of them fussing over grandchildren and living humble but comfortable lives on savings accumulated through years of hard work, aided by buying into a real estate market more conducive to creating a nest egg and building for one's future than today's double-income, debt-happy economy. My septuagenarian in-laws are perhaps the prototype for this brand of Vegas tourist. [7] Several times a year, something stirs within the souls of the OSMPs, they make the pilgrimage to Vegas, collect a bucket with quarters (or, for the ultra-spendthrifty, nickels), find a favorable machine, and pull away. Some slot machines don't even have levers anymore -- you just push a button and watch yourself lose money/win money/break even, for hours at a stretch. Some smoke. Some drink. All achieve a glassy reverie at some point in the proceedings. Eventually, they return home, doing helpful things on the plane ride home like waking up Your Correspondent to see if he wants anything from the stewardess, even though he's clearly asleep, even though there's nothing in his slumping, snoring figure to suggest he thirsts. Whereas there's a certain level of intimidation to the games of chance controlled by a hotel employee -- perhaps reminiscent of hollow-eyed carneys who preside over carnival midway games you know are stacked against you -- there's something about the rows of slot machines that are inviting by contrast. By telling someone to deal you in, or that you want to put a chip down on your lucky number in roulette, or that you want a turn at the dice, you're having to admit to another person (no matter how professional a countenance or no matter how neutral an expression that person is able to maintain) that you gamble. Though your inner devil might say, 'Of course you do, you're in Vegas, that's what you're here for,' your inner angel might feed you full of Puritan messages about the evils of gambling. Vocalizing your desire to gamble to another human being, even one in the employ of a casino, might be enough to push that debate front and center. But slot machines don't talk. They don't have to fight to maintain a poker face whenever you do something brilliant or do something stupid at one of the tables. They don't remind you of your pastor back home. They just sit there, rows and rows of them, with the latent promise that one of them is going to deliver. Despite being set to randomly deliver jackpots at unpredictable intervals, OSMPs like my mother-in-law will claim there's a system to playing the slots. My father-in-law goes as far as to talk about how playing the slots successfully is 'a lot of work.' I tend to believe him, and because he's the type of man who will look forward to his home improvement projects and stretch them out over multiple days, puttering and fussing under the guise of 'getting things just right' in order to make them last and even savor them, I think that he probably actually enjoys the 'hard work' of playing slots. So they work. They scout out machines that have been recently abandoned by players who spent interminable amounts of time pulling or pushing with no results. They themselves sit for hours, mechanically feeding coins into the face of the machine, hoping for the release of coins that you would hope could fend off orgasm metaphors yet really can't, especially when you see a jackpot winner's reaction, an outpouring of joy that derails a personal sense of modesty en route to unfiltered bliss. Of course, it's not all work -- as I said earlier, some drink, which is a simple way of saying that gambling and drinking are helplessly intertwined. That's another reason I believe slot machines are so popular -- it dawns on you at some point in the proceedings at the blackjack table or the poker table or even the roulette wheel that alcohol may cloud your judgment and cause you to lose more money that you would while sober. But in front of the slot machine, you're not losing more money with every pull so much as you're investing the time necessary to work the law of averages to your advantage and win that money back. And then some. Clearly, though, the mission of Vegas is to get you to drink while gambling -- hence, the scantily-clad cocktail waitress, who in most of the hotels look decidedly like a paean to a dying age: the Playboy Club Epoch. Though seemingly engineered to salve the various hurts of middle-aged men, the costumes, I think that maybe, perversely, the Greatest Generation set, now spending their golden years on Vegas vacations, might be the real target of the scantily-clad cocktail waitress outfit. You see, the outfit is evoking the nostalgia of a bygone era, and by wearing the outfit as rendered during the time where today's septuagenarians and octogenarians were first middle-aged men in need of spiritual/sexual balm, it's reflecting that reassuring reminder of 'the way things used to be, back when they were good.' Note, though, that is still has the same effect on a certain percentage of today's middle-agers. For today's hipper, snottier generations, it has a different appeal, predicated on the same kind of anti-cool cool that explains a predilection toward trucker caps and Pabst Blue Ribbon. In any case, it's not so much what the cocktail waitress is or isn't wearing, but rather, what they're parading around on their trays. Alcohol is pretty much inescapable in Vegas. Though it's not quite a situation where you're handed a drink as you get off the plane [8], drinks can be had pretty much anywhere you please. On our recent trip, we went up to the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower at the Paris, a half-scale model of the real thing that allowed you to, among other sightseeing endeavors, see the Bellagio fountain show from overhead. One fellow tourist glibly noted, to whoever would hear him, that this was the only place in Vegas without a bar attached to it. In other words, pretty much everyone notices there's a lot to drink. This brings me to another of my favorite Vegas archetypes, the I Can't Believe They're Letting Me Drink On The Street Guy, who is either carrying a can of crappy domestic beer from a second-rate hotel for $1 or is carrying a large drink in a tall souvenir receptacle. [9] I saw at least three plastic Eiffel Towers being consumed on my walks up and down the Strip, and saw none in my two nights inside the Paris. Why not? The only reasonable explanation is that I Can't Believe They're Letting Me Drink On The Street Guy migrates. Any chump can drink from a sitting position -- it takes the professional acumen of I Can't Believe They're Letting Me Drink On The Street Guy to drink while walking. Besides, it's no fun to advertise that you've actually been inside the Paris while sitting in the middle of the Paris. It's better to let the throngs gathered on LVB know where you've stayed. [10] The funny thing is, you don't have to have that level of professional drinking acumen to pick up your drink and walk. The latent permissiveness of Vegas allows unsuspecting candidates to walk around brandishing a drink like a trophy. It's a way of saying to the world, 'I work hard and fit in the vast majority of my life; I've earned this moment of unbridled hedonism.' And, in our world, by safe and conservative middle-American rules, this is just the kind of thing that passes for unbridled hedonism. We're perfectly willing to let this slide under these circumstances. We even welcome it. None of us have probably ever witnessed the amiable drunk at a party actually don a lampshade and start dancing, but if one did, we would recognize the trope, and we would laugh about it (provided, of course, that we took his keys and called him a cab at the end of the night). What the Vegas pilgrims have done, essentially, is made this former little desert outpost a place to absorb and hold an ever-increasing number of mildly transgressive behaviors. It's no accident, for instance, that the Las Vegas season of MTV's seminal reality show The Real World was a running soap opera of sex, bad choices and aberrant behavior, all set against the tableau of the Palms, an off-Strip casino which has become the home base of choice for twentysomething enfants terribles. Forget, for a moment, that the show was later surpassed in sex and sordidness by the cast of Real World San Diego -- they merely had to answer the call put forth by the Vegas cast. [11] And it was Vegas itself that incited the cast to riot, to such ludicrous extremes that Trishelle Cannatella, the central figure of the RW Vegas season, became something of a professional reality show cast member, later assigned to drink on camera and titillate fellow cast member Ron Jeremy on the WB's aptly-named Surreal Life . Trishelle, as you might expect, morphed into such a quasi-celebrity that she never donned her last name for her subsequent reality show appearances. She became a mononym, a sure sign as any of disposable pop icon status. -- Though Real World Las Vegas is a prime indication of how Vegas is trying to market to a new generation of people with a healthy disposable income, the Vegas metro area is no longer merely a nice place to visit. Between 1990 and 2000, the largest metro area growth in the nation, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, was easily Las Vegas. Its population spiked an incredible 83% percent in that ten-year period; the next biggest jump was Naples, Florida, with 65%, and Yuma, Ariz., at just under 50%. This is not just a one-time spike. Since 1960, Vegas has grown from just under 140,000 people to its current 1.5 million plus, at astounding growth intervals. The population more than doubled in the 1960s and has been above 60% growth in each subsequent decade. And the people just keep coming. The city's official site claims that the Vegas Valley could reach the two million mark by next year. Last month, the Las Vegas Sun reported that another million people are expected to be added to the city's rolls in the next two decades. The article glosses over why this growth is continuing, instead focusing on some of the concerns a massive growth explosion brings to the metropolis, such as the hard-to-overlook fact that Las Vegas sits in the middle of a desert, and that might make water a contentious issue as more people flock to the city to take advantage of what gets euphemized as 'favorable business conditions.' What I can surmise, after trolling business development agency websites and various newspaper articles, is that Vegas is a great place to do business because the burden of taxation in Clark County falls largely on the millions of tourists who come through McCarran each year. The weather is nice. You're never at a loss for how to entertain your clients, and though you may grow weary of it, and mutter to yourself, 'Yeah, yeah, Wayne Newton's house' as you drive first-timers past Shenandoah yet again, there's always someone who's going to be wide-eyed and appreciative, who will actually be impressed that he Lives Among Us, that you are so seemingly well-connected. At the risk of being reductive yet again, businessmen like sun, they like golf, and they like being able to get a drink after work. Ergo, Las Vegas. And while the tourism industry remains the major engine driving Clark County (and by extension, Nevada, since Clark Country makes up a good 70 percent of the state population), there are people living in Vegas that have nothing to do, occupation-wise, with the hotels and the hordes of tourist who come to Vegas each year seeking several days' escape from the rules that normally corral them into stagnant routine. And you can tell that even at sunrise: a desert sunrise in the first week of Advent in the Christian calendar, where the air is tingly with cold -- where it is crisp, invigorating, all those things you say about a cold that you welcome, a cold you want to believe was delivered to your vacation destination expressly for your enjoyment. You can look around and notice subtle hints of Christmas if you try, but it's different from other cities, where the march toward Christmas is relentless, where wreaths and ads and glad tidings come in battalions. At sunrise, in the outer reaches of North Las Vegas, of Henderson, of picture-perfect Green Valley, in the parts of Vegas that don't look like our postcard-ready images of Vegas, it's showers and cereal as part of this complete, nutritious breakfast and commutes to work. But on the Strip, where the nerve endings of Vegas crackle and sing, there's a temporary stillness that seems unnervingly quiet and disarmingly out-of-character. The jingling and whirring in the hotel lobby casinos is at an off-kilter staccato, and hotel employees see it fit to break out vacuum cleaners and bottles of cleaning solutions. In hours, these places will be readily transformed again, with people from Iowa, from Massachusetts, from Europe and Japan. Throughout the lobby, in enough myriad languages to remind you that this is now, for all intents and purposes, an international city, it will essentially be the same message. It will be tourists, the lifeblood of the city with all that that entails, here for the express purpose of shedding their inhibitions for a few precious days, trying to figure out which compulsory layer they'd like to peel off first. ### Footnotes: [1] The closest thing to a major professional sports team in Vegas is the Las Vegas 51s, a Triple-A baseball franchise which used to have the more mundane moniker of the Las Vegas Stars. The 51s is a play on Area 51, the rumored military-controlled alien research center. The team's mascot is one of those almond-headed, big-eyed alien prototypes, which, in a shocking development for new parents, is precisely what your child looks like through the ultrasound at three months -- pretty much the first time you can actually view what looks like a face. [2] Wynn owns a Picasso piece named 'La Reve,' incidentally. [3] The above historical information comes from Las Vegas Online Entertainment Guide's history page, which delves much farther into the role of the casino and the Strip hotel in Vegas's development than the city's official site does, although the city's official site does note that Spainards traveling through the Vegas valley in the 1700s referred to the trip as a 'journey of death,' which can't be good for tourism even if it is historically accurate. [4] Like my tour guide for the trip, a food stylist who hosts a nationally-syndicated radio show, moonlights as a UNLV instructor, and is clearly in a gustatory, golf-playing love with Vegas. [5] That's not to suggest that Gans was in cahoots with that white tiger or anything. [6] Okay, so maybe now I look highbrow. [7] Though, actually, they can stave off the siren song of Vegas by going on a lower-rent version of the Vegas pilgrimage -- the Louisiana pilgrimage. Louisiana, which is also a den of sin, features casinos in a number of the towns (Lake Charles, Kinder, Bossier City) bordering Texas. Native American-run casinos, even closer than the Louisiana border, also serve as a sort of morphine to the heroin of Vegas. But, somehow, Vegas always beckons. [8] A la the '70s ABC drama Fantasy Island , which used the 'give the guests their Mai Tais' scene as a regular device, showing them happy and relaxed just before they started their fantasy vacations, which (like a Faustian bargain) had specific intents and aims that would always go horribly awry. [9] Though you're actually more likely to see I Can't Believe They're Letting Me Drink On The Street Guy in New Orleans. Or, at least, you'll see him there more exuberantly. [10] And, really, when all is said and done, and you factor in the breakfast buffet and the bathtubs and the relative calm in its casino, the Paris is a fine place to stay. [11] No way do we let San Diego beat Las Vegas in anything. |
3,305,309 | male | 35 | indUnk | Scorpio | 31,July,2004 | When it opened in April 1994, the San Antonio baseball park now known as Nelson Wolff Stadium was called “the Jewel of the Texas League,” and Mickey Holt, Public Relations Director for the San Antonio Missions, still likes to call it that. It’s a definite upgrade from the former home of the Missions, V. J. Keefe Memorial Stadium – an old, primarily wooden structure still in use by the St. Mary’s University Rattlers, which looks, sadly, on first impression, like sufficiently combustible kindling for a one-match fire. When compared to the newest parks in the league, including Round Rock’s immaculate Dell Diamond and the currently-under-construction Whataburger Field in Corpus Christi, Nelson Wolff Stadium looks as if it’s from another epoch, and in the development of the American sports stadium, coming just before Camden Yards in Baltimore revolutionized our present-day conceptions of what a baseball stadium should be, it pretty much is. Holt calls it a pitcher’s park, noting that there’s an almost-constant 15 mph wind blowing in from right-center field. They’re not looking to replace it anytime soon, as it is still clean and serviceable and relatively new, but Holt notes that they’d really like to get a scoreboard with a video screen, when thinking about upgrades that are realistic and might inch them closer to Dell Diamond status, to replace the Alamo-shaped one in right field. Holt also think they should be drawing more than the 4400 a game they average, not only because San Antonio is the eighth largest city in the nation and boasts a healthy number of sports fans, but because the Missions are downright good, having won Texas League championships in 2002 and 2003. Certainly, it doesn’t escape you, if you attend a game in the 2004 season, that they’re back-to-back champions – the phrase is the core of their marketing campaign, appearing on the scoreboard, and on shirts, and on the jersey of their official mascot, an anthropomorphic jalapeno pepper with googly eyes named Ballapeno. Riding out in the middle of the first inning on a motorized scooter, the Ballapeno indulges in the sort of fun, wacky mascot antics you’d expect of a mascot playing to 4400 a night who’ve come to watch Double A players with big league aspirations. He rides in the back of a truck around the perimeter of the field and shoots rolled-up T-shirts into the crowd as the truck loops its way past the infield seats. He dances on top of the dugout. He wanders into the crowd, pulls caps off children’s heads playfully, and slaps hands with adults who cannot resist the pull of a giant jalapeno pepper with googly eyes. But at the end of the sixth inning, another, more mysterious mascot heads to second base, to the instant recognition and obvious delight of the crowd. This is the unofficial mascot, who has been with the team since a local restaurant sponsored him to come out to V. J. Keefe back in 1988 for a series of promotional appearances. Two years ago, Newsweek named him the minor league mascot of the year, even though Ballapeno has been the official Missions mascot since Opening Day of the 2000 Season, and one look at him is all it really takes to understand why. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Henry the Puffy Taco. The Puffy Taco very nearly defies conventional mascot wisdom. Typically, mascots are cartoonish depictions of people or animals or even objects, yet they wear distinctive human features like eyes and a mouth. It’s for the same reasons that babies and baby animals come into the world cute – to start the process of attachment, to allow the parents to want to care for it. Even the Corpus Christi Hooks, who will begin Texas League play in 2005, have started their marketing campaign by floating out a logo which appears to be a giant fishing hook with eyes and a mouth, and it wouldn’t at all be surprising if this gets committed to fabric and is set in motion to wander the stands next spring. But the Puffy Taco doesn’t even try for recognizable facial features. It is, simply, gloriously, without pretense, a taco. More precisely, the costume is an open shell facing forward and standing on its end, covering the head and torso, with holes for the arms and legs to protrude from the shell. Because there’s no better way to describe this, vulva-like folds of lettuce and cheese protrude slightly from behind the open folds of the shell, all but enveloping the dark-red cylinder at the center of the taco, which is clearly where the actor’s head and torso fit, and which has to be meant to represent the meat at the center of the taco, although this would make the costume more of a hot-dog taco than a ground beef taco. “Henry the Puffy Taco” is stitched along the back of the taco shell at its bottom edge, for the four or five people in the audience on any given night who need clarification on who this is. The Puffy Taco’s act is simple yet effective, and is a thirty-second case study in everything that is glorious yet low-rent about minor league baseball – that, indeed, is glorious precisely because it is so low-rent. The Puffy Taco starts at second base, and runs for home plate by way of third. A child is selected from the audience; it is his or her job to tackle the Puffy Taco before he reaches home. There’s a Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote certainty to the act; it always concludes with the child tackling the Taco, and the show has evolved to incorporate an additional moment of triumph in which the child is allowed to clamber on top of the Taco and lift his or her hands skyward to make the “raise the roof” gesture. I think you can probably figure out what the crowd does in response. Then, the Taco gets up and does a dance, and circulates through the stands for another half-inning or so, slapping hands and greeting the kids who flock around him, before giving the stage over to the Ballapeno for the rest of the evening. The Taco’s act has evolved on its own over time. Initially, there was no tackling – as Holt explains, the first tackle was actually an overzealous kid bumping into the Taco during a race. What was ordained from the beginning was that the kid was always supposed to win. Holt recalls that on the one occasion the Taco won the race, when the Taco’s act was still in its early stages of development, the crowd reacted with enough booing and general displeasure to assure that that wouldn’t ever be happening again. . Over time, the two concepts – kid always triumphs, kid triumphs by tackling the Taco before he reaches home plate – merged into what is now the standard nightly ritual. As mascot theater goes, the Taco’s act is simple and slapstick and interactive and allows a child to emerge triumphant in a situation that is not quite man v. beast but is similar enough to evoke feelings of top-of-the-food-chain superiority and the resultant joy that comes with that. For San Antonians, there’s an additional level to why the victory over the Puffy Taco works as a gimmick, and that has a lot to do with the fact that people in San Antonio really like their food. The current mayor of San Antonio, Ed Garza, who is still in his early thirties yet was reelected to a second term in 2003, has been moved by a series of Men’s Fitness polls perennially listing San Antonio as one of the fattest cities in the nation to push something called the Fit City Initiative. But there’s a larger, easier, more informal movement that Fit City is pushing against, which will probably emerge triumphant at the end of the day, and that’s the citywide drive to eat a lot of fattening food, often in public. Every April, the city essentially shuts down for a 10-day conglomeration of festivals and parades called Fiesta. At the heart of the 100-plus Fiesta events are two major parades which draw as many as half a million spectators and are serviced by a staggering number of makeshift festival food stands. The Night in Old San Antonio event, which runs four days in the city’s La Villita and is another major Fiesta draw, allows its thousands upon thousands of annual attendees a chance to eat and drink with abandon. There’s music and dancing and street festival frivolity to be had here, but ask any attendee, and they’re more likely than not to tell you they are there for the variegated meats on a stick or the gorditas or the fresh handmade tortillas or the bratwurst or crepes or frog legs or potato skins or any number of other foods. The night before the first Krispy Kreme franchise opened in San Antonio, a line began forming outside its doors; by morning, 500 people had gathered, having camped out all night for access to the first hot, sticky, rings of fried dough to roll off the assembly lines and into their waiting mouths. And every year in late January, right before the annual San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo, a loose coalition of organizers host a Friday morning Cowboy Breakfast. Even though it has moved from location to location in the last few years, the annual Cowboy Breakfast always draws in the neighborhood of 40 to 50 thousand, no matter what the conditions outside, to gather in the early morning hours for food that is, in a particularly important calling card to the people of San Antonio, free. The San Antonio Express-News article on the 2004 Cowboy Breakfast, with reporter Lisa Marie Gomez following in the well-worn path of previous reporters’ stories on the event, begins this way: The drizzle, patchy fog and 49-degree weather at 5 a.m. Friday were quickly forgotten when the bands blared their tunes and hot coffee and food were served. The Cowboy Breakfast was in full swing at Crossroads of San Antonio mall two hours before the sun made its debut for the day, and traffic piled up as if it were the evening rush hour. Despite the morning darkness and the cool weather, families came out in droves. One family piled into a van, with children, cousins, and even grandparents. “We’re here for the free food,” Wicho Guerra said as he munched on a slice of white bread drowned in gravy. “I have no idea what I’m eating, but it’s good.” So it is clear that the Fit City Initiative has a way to go. Tourism, after all, is one of the city’s largest industries, and food is at the backbone of San Antonio’s allure for locals and visitors alike. The Puffy Taco mascot gets its name from a Tex-Mex innovation that has been adopted by a number of the city’s vast array of Mexican restaurants. Specifically, it was Jamie Lopez, the son of the Henry’s Puffy Tacos owner, who came up with the idea for the Puffy Taco mascot in 1988 as a way to further associate the puffy taco dish with his dad’s restaurant. Henry’s Puffy Tacos, a Westside restaurant which opened in 1978 and relocated to a former Luby’s cafeteria around the corner in 1996, naturally lays claim to its title dish despite having many other offerings on the menu. The puffy taco is a crispy taco with a shell that puffs up in the deep-frying process, filled to bursting with meat, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese. A Citysearch review of Henry’s noted, “The shell of Henry’s signature dish is what newly fallen snow would feel like in your mouth – if it was fried.” If you’re wise, and if you’re throwing caloric caution to the wind as you should be when you order the puffy taco, you’ll want to top it with sour cream and guacamole and salsa. Eating it is a messy affair, and is not so much a meal as it is a mainlining of fatty, spicy goodness. It’s a safe bet that Wicho Guerra and his clan have sprung for a dinner here at some point in their gastronomical journeys. And though they may not know exactly what they’re eating when they plunge into their puffy tacos, it’s safe to say they will determine it is, indeed, good. But because Henry’s is far from the well-trafficked tourist haunts of the city, on a major arterial that cuts through a working-class, predominantly Mexican-American neighborhood, the Puffy Taco is a bit of a mystery to those tourists who find themselves taking in a Missions game at Nelson Wolff. A writer for minorleagueballparks.com, writing a review of the stadium in 1999, wrote, “I didn’t like the fact that the ‘Puffy Taco’ mascot was actually an advertisement for a fast-food chain,” and a scribe for ballparkreviews.com expressed disappointment that the Puffy Taco only makes his one appearance, despite “hearing much hype” about him. Wesley Ratliff understands the tradition, though. At just 24 years old, Ratliff is the community outreach director for the Missions, which is an official way of saying that he is a professional mascot. He pulls double duty during each Missions home game, portraying both the Puffy Taco and Ballapeno, which is why they rarely appear in the same place at the same time. Ratliff personifies the duality of San Antonio’s version of Generation Y perfectly – he sports a goatee and a tongue piercing that suggests a straight-from-MTV mainstream edginess, yet he’s unfailingly polite, responding to a number of questions from my interview with him with a demure and polite, “Yes, sir.” Ratliff already has a long, impressive resume as a mascot. He started out as Eloc, the cougar mascot for Cole Junior/Senior High School, located on the Fort Sam Houston U.S. Army base, and best known as the alma mater of Shaquille O’Neal. Ratliff then moved on to serve as a mascot for the University of the Incarnate Word, one of San Antonio’s four-year Catholic universities, wearing one of the nation’s first inflatable costumes. He later moved on to professional mascothood at two of San Antonio’s prime theme parks, Sea World and Six Flags Fiesta Texas, and realized a lifelong dream of performing at Walt Disney World, taking a whirlwind tour in which he was allowed to portray Tigger, Eeyore, Gepetto, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and Miss Piggy over the course of several weeks. His new lifelong dream, fed by his two full-time years and six part-time years with the Missions, is to make it into the big league mascot ranks; last year, he was in the running to take over as Raymond, the mascot for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, which he describes somewhat perplexedly as “a sort of hairy troll thing.” He was one of two final candidates, and was ultimately the odd man out, but it’s clear that missing out on the chance to depict a hairy troll for one of MLB’s most moribund franchises might be a blessing in disguise. Ratliff graciously opines that it was an honor just to be in the running. He’s also suffered for his art, having two surgeries on his knee for a torn meniscus – the first was the result of being tackled while portraying the Taco, the second came after a car accident aggravated the fragile ligament. The first actor playing the Puffy Taco also suffered a similar knee injury, leading one to believe that what a fifty-pound-child lacks in mass and force in tackling the Taco, he or she more than makes up for it in questionable technique, and is perhaps the prime Occupational Hazard for those with the calling to be a mascot. Ratliff, despite the trick knee, is fortunate in that he is able to carve out a living as a professional mascot – a number of his colleagues on the Texas League circuit are actually salespeople within their respective organizations, moonlighting as the mascot in the sort of double-duty that isn’t at all surprising given the limited budgets on many minor-league teams. And unlike a number of the other minor-league mascots toiling away in obscurity, Ratliff has at least enjoyed a fleeting yet memorable taste of the bigs. Last year, for fan appreciation day for the Mission’s parent organization, the Seattle Mariners, Ratliff was invited to Safeco Field where he performed as both the Ballapeno and Puffy Taco alongside the Moose, the Mariners’ lovable yet improbable mascot, the one enduring remnant from the team’s former owner Jeff Smulyan of Indianapolis-based Emmis Communications – a chapter of Seattle baseball history that many Mariners fans would just as soon forget. Ratliff recalls his reception as nothing short of rock star. As the Taco, he accompanied the Moose for a G-rated version of running the gauntlet – being doused with water by Mariners players in a ritualized procession across the field. He reports that the crowd responded instantly when he came out, and later, he signed autographs for a crowd of fans waiting as long as 45 minutes in line to meet him. He also learned, on this trip, that he has it pretty good in the minor leagues. Mascots in the majors are bound by a longer list of rules than he’s bound by. The Colorado Rockies mascot, also on hand at Safeco for Fan Appreciation Day is bound to stricter rules than the Moose – or, for that matter, Ratliff himself. The Rockies’ mascot can’t be on the field after the ceremonial first pitch, and can’t be on the dugout ever. Ratliff, by contrast, pretty much has license to go whenever he wants wherever he wants, allowed to read the crowd and create his moments as he pleases. For all the love the Puffy Taco and Ballapeno receive, San Antonio’s heart belongs to another mascot, basically because its heart belongs to another team. Despite the century-plus history of minor league baseball in San Antonio, and despite having one of the most rabid high school football fan bases in football-obsessed Texas, San Antonio is a basketball town, and every other sport is thus relegated to being not-basketball. The Spurs have only been around since 1973, but because the team is the city’s highest-profile professional sports franchise, it enjoys a unique and revered position among San Antonians, and this extends to mascots, as none is more recognizable or more beloved than the Coyote. Tim Derk, who debuted The Coyote in 1983, suffered a stroke this past March and has had to turn the job of playing the Coyote to understudies while he undergoes rehabilitation -- ending a 21-year run of donning a coyote mask with bulging bright green eyes and an easy-going, yet slightly maniacal, permanent grin. The stroke not only sidelined Derk – it led him, his family, and the Spurs organization to do the unprecedented thing and reveal The Coyote’s identity to the public. For many, it was the first time they’d learned who Tim Derk was, and was also the first time they’d learned to separate Derk as someone distinct from The Coyote. Derk’s condition was major news in San Antonio, dominating headlines and local newscasts for several days. The reaction showed that San Antonio, for all its aspirations to be a big city, is still a small town, in the good sense, at its core. Though we generally like our mascots anonymous in day-to-day life, and transformed into the lovable character when safely encased in the costume, there was no question of Derk’s family and the Spurs organization going public with the information. There was an overwhelming need to know, evinced by the media barrage and the remarkable groundswell of public support once Derk’s condition was made public, which easily overrode the typical willingness of a fan base to buy into the suspension of disbelief manifest in engaging with a mascot. The Coyote has remained a fixture at Spurs games even while Derk continues rehab, and now, Derk’s legacy and years of service adds an additional layer of legend to The Coyote. It wouldn’t at all be surprising if his number (the cryptic “2!” – standing for “too excited”) is retired should Derk decide not to resume his role as The Coyote – though he’s not ruling out a return to the court, depending on how his physical therapy sessions go. What the situation with The Coyote reveals, aside from the connection that fans have with a mascot, is the importance of the mascot in articulating the team’s identity, even beyond the role it might have had in years past. If you’re looking to point fingers as why it’s harder for teams to bank on the marketability of its star players, look no further than the era of free agency. As a fan in his mid-30s, I might just be part of the last generation to know what it’s like to see a favorite player remain with a favorite team for the entirety of his career. As a Mariners fan, I have seen Ken Griffey, Jr. go from Seattle fan favorite to trade-me malcontent, and now, I’m more likely to remember his statistical disappearing act as an oft-injured Cincinnati Red than as part of the Mariners’ feel-good father-son duo that once hit back-to-back home runs in a game on (and this is so terribly fitting) Father’s Day. As a Mariners fan, I have seen Randy Johnson develop from wild-man anomaly to one of the most feared left-handed power pitchers in the history of the game – and then saw him help deliver a World Series to the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team that entered the majors as an expansion team long after the Mariners. (Note: it is not lost on me that the Mariners are closing in on three full decades of futility.) As I write this in July 2004, the Diamondbacks are contemplating trading him, and Johnson is hinting, not so subtly, that he’d like to become a Yankee. This is particularly cruel for Mariners fans who remember his role in defeating the Yankees in a five-game divisional series in the ’95 playoffs, a series which was not only deliciously epic, but pretty much allowed Mariners fans to hate the Yankees with a blend of loathing and jealousy only surpassed by Red Sox fans. And I have seen the worst free-agency jump of all, for Mariners fans or otherwise, in Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod was drafted by the Mariners, came up quickly through the team’s farm system, was a wide-eyed September call-up in uniform for the ’95 playoffs, became the team’s most crucial player during its high-water mark as an organization, and then left for a $252 million contract (from a division rival, no less) that could be characterized by any reasonable observer as either obscene or insane. After several years of insisting money was not the motivating factor, even though he toiled for the Texas Rangers through several moribund seasons, he was jettisoned to the only team that could take his monstrous contract – the hated Yankees. For minor league fans, inconstancy in the roster is a heartbreak that comes with the territory. It’s no accident that the minor leagues are referred to as the farm system – players are nurtured and then harvested, the wheat is separated from the chaff, and the cycle repeats itself annually. But for major league fans, the free agent market has brought on an inconstancy that they assumed (correctly, up until now) they were immune from. Which makes the mascot more than just a sideshow to fill time and amuse the kids between innings – the mascot has become, more than any individual player, the face of the franchise, the one personality guaranteed to return year after year. The most dedicated baseball fans, addicted to statistics and the hope that comes with spring training, have turned to rotisserie leagues to insure that they can be in control of players maintaining their allegiance to teams – even if those teams are mere constructs in infinite variations among thousands upon thousands of makeshift leagues around the nation. But, paradoxically, in the real world, the most enduring representative of what the team embodies is not a five-tool outfielder with a distinctive batting stance, or a pitcher with enough guile and raw talent to change the outcome of a game with his multi-million dollar arm, but a moose with a comically-large head, or an electric-blue marlin, or a non-descript green monster with a nose that vaguely resembles a trumpet. The pitcher and the outfielder might be dealt for prospects in the closing days of July, or might bolt to a contender at the first opportunity that MLB’s free agency rules afford them. The mascots, though, save for a conscious redirection of the team’s marketing people, are there to stay. San Antonio is a city where people tend to settle in and grow old, and indeed, where multiple generations spend entire lifetimes. It’s a city where traditions are taken very seriously, where the two biggest institutional influences are the military and the Catholic Church. What this means, even with the rise of the Ballapeno, even with the rare convergence of animated jalapeno and animated taco in the same space, is that the Puffy Taco isn’t going anywhere. It’s perhaps no accident that Mickey Holt notes, “If we ever got rid of the Puffy Taco, we’d be crucified. Yet, in talking to Wesley Ratliff, you get the sense that he will inevitably move on. He’s just entered his mid-20s and has already been a mascot for almost a decade. He’s come agonizingly close to toiling for Tampa Bay fans this year as a non-descript troll. He’s already had a glimpse of life as a big-league mascot, and he likes it. If anyone is cut out for the mascot’s life, Wesley is that person. When he goes away, the mascot costumes will still remain – a jalapeno with googly eyes, and a taco with no eyes – waiting to be worn by someone who remain, if all goes to plan, anonymous. Though a different person will embody the role, the bio info on the team’s official website will remain the same, in the jokey tone and cadence that is common to mascot bios at all levels of the game. And it’s a safe bet that years from now, between the 6th and 7th inning of future Missions games, the Puffy Taco will take his place at second base, and a child currently not yet born will take his or her place alongside the Taco. They will run around the bases. The Taco will not make it to home plate, being tackled along the way. It will be someone else’s knees taking the torque, enduring another child’s zeal manifest in a tackle. And as the Taco lies on the ground, to the cheers of the crowd for another in a chain of consecutive nights, the Taco will know his place is secure. In a city where traditions rule all, and in which the Taco has become a quirky and enduring tradition, no one will let the Taco escape this mortal coil. Even today, if you listen closely between the 6th and 7th inning as the Taco makes his entrance, underneath the cheers, you can hear a handful of people quickly explaining to those who don’t yet know – the children, the visitors, the neophytes – the answer to the inevitable question, the variations on the theme of What the Hell Is That. |
3,706,985 | male | 16 | Student | Cancer | 21,June,2004 | True Crime The Streets of LA First I have to say I didn't enjoy the graphic really, It's definitly Boring! The designes of streets and the way the cars crash or explode is not so graphically good. In my opinion this game is a half Matrix Reloaded and half GTA Series.With a glancy look at the fights that are really not so natural and the way of driving in streets(which is mostly a chore)you will get to the same result as mine.it also reminds me Max Payne!! But all of the game is not so bad.one of the good points in the game is that you can have the story go in many ways.for example if you fail a mission you can continue the game and see the results and its effect in the story.and sometimes the episode could be played in 2 or more ways to continue the story. I don't know what would you say but i enjoyed the dialoges in the game. and at the end I have to say sth about the story that I really don't know weather it's a good one or not.Please help me findout about it and give me your opinions. About the system requirements i have to say that it won't cost you much. So enjoy the game! |
3,706,985 | male | 16 | Student | Cancer | 21,June,2004 | an incredbly nice action game which i really enjoyed playing. the game cutscenes are the same as the movie with the best quality i have ever seen. the story is also the same as the bookes and the movies but the makers tried to make it a little bit more difficult.so they changed some parts of the story. the characters are really well made and their movements styles are individual. in an interview inside the game(one of the feautures that you can unlock inside the game after finishing every level) sean astin(sam) mentioned that the character of sam is quiet soft and kind and ofcourse very couragous for those he likes but in the game some of these personalities have been ommited.for example sam fights like a great warrior and even in some opportunities he kills his enemies very badly.at the end i have to say some of the last levels of the game are definitly very hard so you would have some trouble finishing the game. if you want to enjoy the game, i recommand you to have tese system requirements: VGA:G-force 3 or higher or ATI Radeon 8500 or higher with 64 MB RAM on it CPU:Intel 1500 or higher RAM:256 MB or higher by any chance these are not the minimum system requirements but they are only what i friendly recommand you to have to enjoy the action in the game. Thanks for reading |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,July,2003 | Ya right now I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska!! Whoa, we drove here today too, and we're heading to Breckenridge, Colorado, which we'll reach tomorrow! But ya so all I did in the car today which was like an 8 hour drive was sleep, read boring hw, and listen to music! then I got to the hotel and didn't swim or go for a run I sat down after sitting all day and watched tv! Now that's the life! Haha, but man I realized how much time on our hands we'd have if we didn't have a tv and didn't leave the house, wow would that be boring. And dude this is even harder for me seeing that it's impossible for me to sit still! but I did good today!Anywho we're gonna go white water rafting on tuesday! that'll be tight! But meh I just told you my day in like 2 sentences, wow life is exciting! But I'm going to go on my vacation now! Have fun but not too much without me! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 24,July,2003 | So today I think my number one lesson or thought was that everyone should just live life as it's given to you, don't care about what's going outside of where you are, just focus on what is going on around you at that exact moment at that exact time. That way it's so much more easier to just lay back and have fun, you don't have to worry about anything else or wonder what this somebody else is thinking about. It's so much less stressful on yourself too. I'm really screwed up though. So I finally get my guy... or have one, whatever, and like I said before I like him! But then there's still that one other guy that I've had a thing with forever, but of course it doesn't work out with him 'cause he's a jackass for the most part and he himself doesn't know what he's thinking.... but why do I still like flirt like mad with the jack and am still hesitent to really start something up with the sweetest guy in the world?! Seriously, if you have an answer to that, tell me. I always think I'm gonna have feelings for the jack guy though, especially when he's all over me, haha. I might also be like this too though 'cause I like guys....and well hell it's summer! Meh, we'll see how it all ends up after vaca. Ok wait my 2nd thought is that the Twins don't suck they just are unlucky! So whoever thinks they suck, suck on this..... on what? ya I don't know. Ok I'm out! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 23,July,2003 | Ok ya, so I'm gonna try this blog thing, lets see how many days I'll write in it till I stop, I say about 5. I just think it would be mighty interesting for me and the like 2 people who will read this 'cause I'm a very random person and meh I have a lot on my mind. I lose half my thoughts in like a second though, I seriously have add, not officially tested, but oh man I do. Anywho.... so ya I think I have gone quit guy crazy lately, I mean for the first time ever I feel like I have people to actually chose from, that hasn't happened since like jr. high! It's tight, but now I feel like a dumbass 'cause the guy I thought I'd never get, likes me, and ya I like him, but now after spending the day with him, yes I still like him, but the thought of a relationship? I don't know, I don't wanna blow anything that's for sure, but should I really just throw everyone else away? and also right now the friendships I have with people kick ass and I love spending time with them, I don't wanna lose that either. Oy, what to do. Life is messed when it comes to things like that, like you, or at least I do/did, dreamed and like wished to have a one on one relationship with someone forever and then when the opportunity to actually have one comes about, it just doesn't feel right! If that doesn't happen to you, well then I guess it's just me! I think another problem I have is that it never seemed like people liked me before or something because they didn't think I was hot or whatever, or I don't even know, but ya I always wanted people to think I was like damn hot, and now it's like the opposite, I don't know if people like me because I'm hot and they just want some ass or my ass or if they really actually like me. Like ya I'm always fishing for compliments, what can I say I like attention, but when all I hear is like 'wow your hot' ya it's flattering, but hey maybe you can prove that you like me for me! not for my body! Wow I swear life is too damn twisted like that. Whatever. Even though I'm confused about it all, ya I'm liven summer, what else can I say, I've got plenty of guys, I get to sleep and hell I get to wake up and actually not know what I'm doing! That's so nice! Aight I'm out for the night! I promise the next one wont be so fricken long! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 31,August,2003 | So I've been thinking, sorta, well actually this was just a thought that came to me about 2 seconds ago when I was debating on what my title should be, but what do people hold dear to them in life? Is is something that can't be replaced, like family or friends? or is it something like a car and well, if you're rich enough, you're able to replace? I am going to embark on these thoughts and try to come to a conclusion as to why people treat these 'luxurious items' the way they do. (This almost sounds like a paper, haha!) First off, I really think there are basically 2 types of people in this situation. 1) The ones who hold everything dear to them, that'll never be able to be replaced and 2) the ones who are somewhat spoiled that just don't take the things they should for granted. But as I think about this I question as to if everyone has alittle bit of each types in them. Because really I think everyone cherishes their cars and their 'BMW's' and ya they take as much care of them as possible, this especially applys to guys. But then unless really that shallow and stuck up their still gonna care about their family and friends. And yes the family and people close to them will probably stick out more in the long run, but what I think I'm really pondering is how one treats the replaceables compared to the non-replaceables. I really sometimes think that people will treat their cars better then the people close to them. No one ever gets in fights with their car, sure people will cuse at it if it breaks down, but it still stays durable and gets fix and brand new in the end. This really only goes for the nice cars though, shitty cars I really don't think people care too much about unless they don't have that much money. Now that I'm thinking about it though I don't think that people care about their cares more, it just may seem like it sometimes, because, well cars can handle a lot more. See people can break down at least 3 times a week, if they're weak every day. Cars maybe once a month, on estimate. But really people don't like to deal with break downs all the time and fights, people don't get into fights with cars, and it becomes a lot more emoitional when it comes to people, something everyone gets shaky at. But still the question is why do people say mean stuff to their friends and treat what can be replaced at high value? I think it's because people can recoperate at a lesser price and well feelings and emotions and expressions are dealt with that too, like when it comes to guys they're mean a lot to girls 'cause they're guys and that's just how they express their feelings. But see if you like 'hurt' your car it costs a lot of money, money brings out the evil in people, so that's not something people want as a possibility, but now I'm getting all turned around 'cause you'd think that the price would be higher on a friend or family member if you 'hurt' them. Sure technically the price is lower, but if you really hurt someone the issues and emotions between the people will always be there and get in the way. I think I just lost myself in this whole converstation, I don't even know where it's going anymore, I hope at least that entertained you. I told you my thoughts are all over sometimes. Emir and I just had a talk on the phone not to long ago, and ya we were wondering, what makes a better bed.... the mattress? or the comforter? In conclusion we came down to the comforter because that's what really molds to you and sheilds you from all, if you have a shitty matress but a high quality silk down goose feathered comforter, you'll think you're bed is the best thing ever. Really if you think about it, it's true, maybe that's why they call it comforter... comfortable...... haha! It all makes sense!!! Everything makes sense in the end, it really does. May not ever really make sense to you, but oh it does, to add on to that everything has a meaning. Just think about it. It's be odd. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 30,August,2003 | Being tierd really does make you dazed and confused and not really aware what's happening around you. When you're tierd the main thoughts that go through your head is: beeeed, pillows, tv, sitting, and so one. Basically, I don't have much control over my mind when I'm tierd, which is most of the time, so that is why I'm blaming being tierd on why I'm eating so much. Actually I really don't think I'm eating that much, I'm just eating a lot of junk food and because this is the longest period of time I haven't been in a sport or exercising for like 5 years it feels like I'm getting fatter, but technically I'm really not. Dazed. I really did already kinda explain this, but ya I basically am not paying too much attention whats going on around me, and really I don't care too much. It's just that I don't wanna go deep into anything or do anything 'cause well starting tuesday I'll be doing a million things. I've just been really out of it. Confused. Ok first of all, when aren't I confused? Seriously, I would like this to be anwsered! But ya I'm just confused as to what everyone is like thinking right, like everyone seems to be acting a little different and seems to be like questioning something all the time now, yet still they don't speak out their mind, it's like everyone is just sitting in their own little corner waiting for someone to come to them to ask hey what's going on up there? Maybe it's because schools starting on tues and we're all a little scared and anxious and we're all questioning everything that'll be affected by that. Boring Summer Blues. Ya I've been quite bored this week, I've been staying in my pajamas till 5:00 (first off I don't wake until 12, but still). But ya I'm weird though 'cause I really could not be bored and be doing something during the day, but I've been weird and not really cared if I did anything, I mean I can just go and call someone and be like hey wanna do something? and I'd be doing something, but I haven't been calling anyone, I've been waiting till they called me. It' just that either way I don't care. This could be because I'm just getting bored of people and things in general, I'm not so much bored doing nothing, because well that's always fun, but I'm bored of seeing the same people every day and doing the same stuff with the same people. I'm bored of the site I have to wake up to every day and the same generalization I get from each days happenings. I'm bored of the same fights best friends tend to have, over stupid guys and being too selfish, I'm bored of guys and not having a fricken love life and failing when one could possibly happen. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm having fun and I had a fun summer even though it was mostly with the same people, but I'm bored of it all. I need change, I love change, I linger for change, but I haven't gotten it. It really could just come done to I'm bored of life..... or at least my life as it is. Maybe it would be different now if I was playing a sport, 'cause it gives me something to do and something for me to see every day. It also provides change 'cause it's not like you're having the same practice every day and same game every day. I really do wish I was playing soccer now.... but ya it was for the best. Being bored sure is fine, but being bored of certain aspects of life just sucks, I almost believe it'll make you boring in the long run, if I am becoming boring, please tell me. I'm actually probably boring you with all this boredom talk. All I'm saying is that I need a little more pizazz in my life right now 'cause I'm starting not to even care because I'm so bored. Whatever I've been feeling, school will change it all. Oakes |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 28,August,2003 | I really don't have much to say today, basically I slept till 12:30 and didn't take a shower and change out of my pajamas till 6:30. Now that is seriously the life, but it's really pathatic 'cause we have like what, 5 days of school left? And instead of spending it partying I've been spending it at school and watching tv for half the day. I did spend the night though with people, and with people I normally don't hang out with, which is always fun. So I'm not a total loser, I just don't do anything during the day. Ok I'm bored once again, and tierd from doing nothing all day, and I've lost all my train of thought and any last bit of intellectual moments, I'm thinking like a dog right now. Actually I think all my thoughts have kind of been like a dogs today.... it's like sleep, eat, eat some more, lay down, and ya pretty much all that right there was my day and it was spent like my dogs, wow. I guess that's why they call them Dog Days.... clever very clever. My Dogs name is Cody (FYI). I want a homecoming date, so ya Fred is getting me connections but any of ya'll out there, getting connections from ya wouldn't hurt! Daily Plan tomorrow: Wake up at 12, watch tv, eat, call ae and GET A JOB, watch more tv, eat some more, go out to dinner with family, call people to see what we're doing at night and sit around at someones house complaining that we're bored yet not thinking of anything to do. Boredom can only mean life is good and not stressful, be happy with it. : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,August,2003 | Relieved. Exhausted. Drama dreenched. Not quite ready to see the end. These are my feelings and emotions of today. Relieved. I finally got my article for Echo done. After probably 15 hard hours of working on that beast I am finished, finished for good for Issue 1! After about about 5 columns of my article to begin with it went down to 2 small small ones.... and believe that was incredibly hard, I also had to cut a whole movie! And today when the final is due tomorrow at like 12, it was almost a consideration of rewriting the whole thing and compiling it all into one (I have it broken into movies) but thankfully we fitted (?) it all. But ya oy! My summer hw is done for good! Whoa! Just promise me you all will read my article, it may look short and look like it was easy, but holly balls that really took some time and effort, you'd be surprised. Exhausted. First off I've been working my butt off to get this article done, and now that it is, I'm dead tierd, especially because I had to be at school today at 9:30 am and it is like 1:30 am now so meh. But with that and eating, with no exercise, and eating some more, and with the whole summer rapping up and no sleep catching up with me and hanging out with people till 12-1 in the morning every night for the past 3 weeks, I'm getting pretty tierd. But hey you've gotta live the summer up! Don't waste your time on hw like me! Drama Dreenched. I'm sick of drama and people talking about each other behind eachothers backs, especially when it is with like your closest, or one of the closest, friends. It feels so Jr. Highish to be doing this and hearing this and so immature. We're fricken Jr.'s now, not Jr. Highers and people should just get over themselves and start giving a shit about the people around them. Stop being so fucking jealous of people and speak up and tell whoever the hell you're jealous of or mad at how you feel!!!! Sure I should too, but when I'm the one who people aren't telling things too, why should I be the first to bring it up? Really if I never started any of it and really aren't doing anything, why should it be my responsibility to go to that person and be like what's up? Don't you think if they have a problem with me that they should be the ones going up to me and telling me what they're problem is? Like seriously when I hear people like talking or whispering right next to me, most likely about me, it makes me feel like shit and makes me pissed off. My advise to people is to stop worrying so much about your fricken guy life and reputation and car about your friends, in the long run it's only gonna be your true friends left standing next to you, seriously think about it. Not quite ready to see the end. 5 more days till the end. The end of summer. Although it is a beginning to look forward to, it's the beginning of school, sure it's new year, a new life basically, a fresh new start, but it's school. It's also my Jr. year, worst year and worst schedule ever, it can all kiss my ass. But this summer has kicked ass, I have lived it up for the most part, had a couple flings, and ding-a-lings.... sure.... and I feel like I didn't waste my time just sitting there watching tv, I at least added food to it all. But no really I feel stronger and feel like I have stronger relationships with people after this summer, I just don't want it all to end. I know I need advise for myself sometimes, but ya I was talking with Janelle today and ya I gave her some advise and she thinks I'm a good advice person. So we decided that, seeing that we're both on the Echo, next year when we take it over, we're gonna add in an advice column called 'talking tree' (seeing that my name is oakes, and ya in pocahantus the disney movie there's a talking tree that gives advice). I'll be the writer of it and I'm gonna 'tear it up.' But seriously if anyone really does need advice I'm here!!! [email protected] Tierd and humble; my feelings and emotions after writing this blog added on to all the other feelings I was feeling before, wow, I'm feeling this. -Oakes, the 'talking tree' |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,August,2003 | I was at school today at 11:00 am..... tomorrow I have to be there at 9:30 am! Oy! It's depressing 'cause school hasn't even started yet and I've been there almost every day. But ya I was there for like 4 hours today and ya first off I came in my pajamas...... but ya then I got home and watched tv and fell asleep at 3:15 and woke up at 5, it was nice, and then I watched more tv until like 9 when someone finally called and asked if I wanted to do something, so ya I hung out with joesphine, freddie, and and gabby (gandy), nick, and kate, but mostly jo and fred 'cause everyone left early. I hate drama. I haven't had to deal with it for like a year or since jr. high 'cause that's when everyone was stupid and talked shit about everyone. But I'm starting to realize that is coming about again. It has to deal with 2 people, one person I just don't give a shit about 'cause they're mean, but they're still apart of it all. So if you're really good friends with someone you tell them like everything, well at least that's what I do and a lot of my friends, but lately one of my good friends haven't been telling me anything that's happening between her and this shithead, whom he and I have history. Like you've gotta tell you're friends if a relationship is happening with anyone, and if you're a good friend you woudln't let a relationship happen with anyone that your good friend has history with. Well this friend, is basically going behind my back and I'm starting to get really pissed off. Another thing is that she's trying to start like excluding me from like hanging out with our 'group' and I was actually the one to introduce her to the group, like before if whoever called me to hang out I'd call her to have her come with now if they call her first she never calls me even though she told me that that day she'd hang out with me, well she doesn't call me right away but not until like 9, I think she does that to piss me off.... and ya it's working! But she needs to start getting over herself and start thinking about her close friends 'cause soon, it'll all go down. Drama sucks balls. I think I may have made progress on a homecoming date..... Fred thought up 4 people for me and he's gonna try getting the 'connections' with one of them, it is Fred though so we'll see. Hopefully something happens! Just a reminder there's 7 days left of school! The countdown begins! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 24,August,2003 | Last night I went to bed at 1.... this morning I woke up at 7:30...... so not enough sleep, to add on to that I've been staying out till like 12:00-12:30 and not even going to bed till 1 or 2 and still wake up pretty early.... tomorrow I am gonna crash like mad.... I went up to Michelle's grandma's house today, it was fun there was like this parade ie. lots of candy, and like a little carnavel thing, I got a temp tatto there, it's tight it's of a rose on my ankle, so now I have 2, that one and then a pace salsa one for the state fair. But ya at Mitchelles (Michelles) I got to ride a 4 wheeler and stuff and it was tight yo, haha. She's rubbing off on me with her raping.... yes Michelle raping, it's sad. Ok the coutdown to finding a homecoming date is starting, I really want one before school starts because I don't want that adding the pile of stress I'll already have, but that only gives me a week so chances of that happening are slim to none. Guys suck.... no offence to those of you guys reading this. I just want a date. This sucks I was really gonna talk about stuff tonight, not just gibber gabber, and I was gonna get deep on my thoughts.... but I forgot and I got too tierd.... maybe they'll come back to me later.... but I'm gonna go! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,August,2003 | Ok Saturday..... First off I woke up at 10:30 which is hella early for me thanks to my buddy Kate for turning on the lights! But it's ok we had to get up.... we had a big day in front of us..... we took an adventure to the one the only Minnesota State Fair!!!!!! High quality I tell ya. But ya me Kate, Chelsea, and I went to the fair, it was lots of fun except the part where I started to get blisters on my feet from my flip flops, bad idea, and when I got into a little fight against a certain someone who's name starts with a K and ends in a ate. Ok so if someone calls you selfish but you say that you aren't they are, does that make you even more selfish? I don't know if that makes sense.... It's late..... Anywho the highlight was when we went to the Kare 11 station for 2 hours and didn't even get on tv, we were in the stands and everything...... but hey we did get free food from them it was tight! We got a foot long hot dog, shaved ice, cookies, rice krispie bars, and this burrito thing.... yummmmm....... but what makes it the best was that it was free!! We also bought cheese curds, of course you can't go to the fair and not get any, and carmel apples in a dish with ice cream. We also saw a lot of people at the fair, the first person was Mr. JT!!! Ok ya sorry, using initials today. Yeah, that was exciting, it really highlighted the whole state fair experience. 2nd person or people, was when we were looking for Emir's carmel apple stand when we realized it wasn't his, but PS's! JB also works there, but we didn't talk to him, ha fred, but ya we talked to PS and visited him a couple more times after, that was exciting, he's a good kid. And then later we finally found Emir or sorry EB and DJ where I guess JB works also. So ya we talked to EB and DJ for a while too, it was fun. Oh people a good. So yes the state fair was fun and interesting and we got lots of free stuff and saw lots of ducks and bunnys and cows and sheep and pigs, aww pigs So later tonight we got together with the peoples again, and we ended up going to the lake again. Ok first off when we got there I had this odd feeling about it all and it was really scary there 'cause it was really windy and ya just didn't seem right, so from the beginning I was freaking out. But anways we walked down the path to the beach and then we were standing by this bench and all of a sudden we just see this man, just one, sitting there like on the rocks in the water and he wasn't really moving, so Nick and I, everyone else was stupid and stayed, took off running, and got freaked out, but then we turned around, but ya it was really freaky and weird 'cause you just don't go to a beach at dark with no lights by yourself, but ya we kinda stayed a little longer, with me of course freaking out, and he was just sitting there, yes he moved up and was alive, and kinda was just watching us, I freaked out and left, haha. But ya that was some odd shit. Oh ya and Kate like gave me a raper today.... there was this guy who was walking down my street and Kate goes that's odd and then when he was passing my window Kate yells out Hello! And he doesn't say hello or keep going he stops and goes up to my window!!!! And then he's like ya I'm here to humiliate myself and Kate says tell me your speech.... I dunno.... but ya he actually didn't do anything he just kinda stood outside my house for like 5 min, and we're like ok no go away now, and ya it was really freaky and now he knows where I live! But ya it was an weird ass night. Ok who believes in fate and signs with like guys and love and all that shit? Enlighten me with your thoughts on that please....... [email protected] ....... but ya I need a homecoming date.... I also have to wake up at like 7:30 so I'm going to bed! KO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,August,2003 | Oy so I've got a lot to say from the past 2 days! Lets start with yesterday, friday...... So I started my day out washing my car and cleaning it in the inside... but before I started I asked: 'why the hell am I doing this too my car? Will it really make it any better?' For those who don't know I drive a fricken '86 oldsmobile..... I like to call it my shitmobile. So basically after I was finished it became a shiny shitmobile, great eh? Anywho, later that day I went to Ridgedale with Janelle and it was really weird 'cause when we got there the parking lots, all of them, well completely full like they were full all the way to the very last ones, it was really weird... but yet when we went inside it really wasn't that busy at all, it was like how it always was there... to this day I'm still confused what was going on. So ya at Ridgedale sadly Janelle bought nothing with her $30, but I applied to American Eagle and even talked to the manager dude and he's like ya we're just gonna call these references and call you back next week sometime, and ya I'm really excited about that 'cause that'd be tight to work there, thank you very much Naomi! So later last night we went to Fred's, from like 8-10 though we basically just sat around waiting for something to happen, during that time Nick and Andy drove out to Richfield or soemthing to go to Best Buy and Emir and I went to Whole Foods, to buy, well food, I got cornbread. But ya so after that we went to this 'hidden' beach, it's really not hidden, Josephine just likes to think so. But ya it was cool 'cause it was really nice out and ya at like 11 we went and went swimming in the lake in the dark, obviously with no lights. That was a lot of fun I tell ya, it's gonna become a daily or nightly thing I'm thinking..... But ya that was a lot of fun but ya after that we went back to freds to get our cars, but ya I got there and my car was soaped!! See Emir and Nick left before all of us 'cause Nick had to be home early and Emir was tierd.... but ya they're denying, or well Nick is at least for sure, that they did it. It's bullshit though, they did it, no questions asked. Ok that was it for Friday...... Saturday to be continued..... actually you've probably already read it by now. : )~Kati Oh ya and thanks to Janelle this site has be update and upgrated with color, design, and the best, the writing and reading material. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,August,2003 | yay new backround and title! |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,August,2003 | yay! new backround color! |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,August,2003 | I've never had a day consist of more waiting my life!!!!! And it's funny 'cause as I'm writing this I'm still waiting for this night to end and for a phone call and for people to get online so I can talk to them. This day will never end! It seriously is the never ending day. To make matters worse I've been waiting for like nothing, which means for school shit to end. Getting my sechdule and then waiting to edit my article for echo, which actually never happened, I have to go back on monday at 11, sucked too! Waiting and waiting and waiting and being bored with Janelle is the summary of this long extensive day. Hey at least Janelle and I were bored TOGETHER and waited TOGETHER, that right that, that was the highlight of my day, whop-di-fricken-do. I did get to talk to a lot of people I haven't talked to for a long time though, that was fun. I was in a social mood so I talked and talked some more, but I suppose there isn't much else to do when you've been waiting so fricken long! I've been waiting for something to happen today, but nothing ever did. So basically today I've waited for jack shit, I waited to get something done that never did, I waited to get my picture taken which frankly who gives a shit? I waited to get my sechdule changed although it did nothing for me first semester and I waited for a phone call which ended up with 'I can't do anything, and goodbye.' And now I'm gonna have to wait till I get tierd and for this stupid boring blog to get plubished so all of you out there reading this can get bored or even more bored than you already are. If you'd made it this far in my blog I assume you must be pretty damn bored unless you really think I'm that interesting. Wow, time to go wait some more. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,August,2003 | My defenition of college: A long overnight camp with lots of parties and beer with occasional hard study and project nights and days. We dropped my sis off at Iowa State today, it was funny 'cause my mom cried for like and hour after, but ya I supposed, she was the first to go. My mom said she'd cry when I left too, but I just said that I think she'll go off and have a party instead. I'm excited already for college though, even though I got 2 more years. See first off all I love new experiences.... this would defienitly be it. Also it's a chance to meet a lot of new people which I love, it's a new atmosphere with people you've never seen before; it's a change. It also doesn't help that there are many guys that are hot and nice and that you don't know anything about, but oh later you for sure will (wink, wink)...... oh man guys.....yumm.... When the time comes though, I really wonder what I'm gonna be like.... like in college will I be the party girl, haha possibly, or still like kinda shy and laid-back, meh I dunno, but I think I'm gonna do better off than my sis..... I think I talked to more people than her today, it's sad 'cause I'm not even in college. Ok so the day of hell and truth tomorrow...... sechdules, once in your hand and once you've left the building, they're basically finalized, scary my junior year..... please shoot me now. Also it's picture day, must look good or else all is hell when that yearbook gets put into everyones hand. Man this is seriously all scary, we're all about to start a brand new year in school, sure people will be the same for the most part, but maybe not..... summer changes people and it's weird and when school starts up again change in people will progress in them more, I just can't wait to see the outcome of people at the end of our high school careers... crazy. Well we all will continue on and embark on our daily journeys, but for now mine is off to bed! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,August,2003 | La-di-da..... so I feel like my brain has been working over board on writing 'cause of my echo article, I've just been reading it and like rewriting parts continuesly and now my brain is tierd..... It's hard for me to think in the first place, but now it's like whoa. Actually you know what I've figured all these blogs probably don't make sense or like I can't write like anything profound in them because I always write them at like 12:30 am or like 1 am. pretty hard to make up big words then. See I would write them earlier, but I don't want to write them during the day 'cause well the days not over and something big could happen and then I don't even get home or have people leave till 12.... so I have no choice. Yeah so my sister leaves for college tomorrow!!! The car will be all mine and so will the basement and everything, muh haha! Except with the car I have to pay for gas to drive and I need money to pay for gas, but I can't get money without a job, and right now I don't have a job so therefore I can't get money and can't pay for gas and then not drive which would suck major balls. So lately I've been busy, Friday I went to Valley Fair, Saturday MOA (Mall of America for those who don't know), Sunday I was at a car wash for hockey for like 4 and a half hours where were made about $500, and then today I went to school, ya yuck, and was there for like 2 hours 'cause of my article and then I went to Janelle's tonight. It was fun being in the pub (publication room) though 'cause ya I got to hang out with some people I hadn't seen all summer that I used to always hang out with in school. That's the ONE reason why I'm excited for school to start, to see long time friends, haha. Ok so Nick is a dumbass..... tonight when I was driving home, he left with Fred at the same time, they drove in front of me all the way home extremely slow so that I would be home late, even though it doesn't matter, but ya he'd go like 10 mph and then on turns he like would barely turn and then he blocked me out of the driveway! But ya it's funny 'cause when he was really slow I would speed up on the side of him and try to pass but my car is too damn slow so that even when he was braked and I never did he would just speed up and be right in front of me again...... one of these days though I will win in car racing!!! Remember that. Ok I'm probably gonna get Tendinitis in my wrist again from typin so much so I'm gonna go! KBO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 15,August,2003 | My Top 10 Lessons of today- Lesson number 1: Don't wear skirts and wrestle.... especially when you're wearing a thong.... it leaves much to see that shouldn't... haha Lesson number 2: actually think of lessons before you start writing them Lesson number 3: Chili cheese fries at an amusement park don't mix.... especially when you hear that someone just threw up on a ride you are just to get on Lesson number 4: Take naps after spending a whole day in the sun walking and standing before you get together with a group of friends.... crabiness will happen Lesson number 5: Don't make Macaroni and Cheese shapes if 2 people want to eat it.... there's only really enough for 1 person Lesson number 6: Sponge-Bob Square Pants Macaroni and Chesse are hella good Lesson number 7: If you don't want a stupid song stuck in your head... don't watch the Disney channel..... Cheetah Girls cheetah sista's.... lol Lesson number 8: Friends are just in the friendship for your foosball table! Lesson number 9: Let it come to you... not you come to it Lesson number 10: Sex is good! lol ok I wouldn't know, but hell I'm sure it is Thank you for reading my Top 10 Daily Lessons, Please join again another day. This program was sponsered by: Macaroni and Cheese- Sponge Bob Square Pants style : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,August,2003 | This is going to be quick, hopefully, 'cause I'm gonna go watch a movie... Bad Boys! Whoa, I gotta watch it so I can be ready for Bad Boys 2! So today was the frist day I played lacrosse in a long time, I forgot how much fricken fun it was! And hell I've got the moves, haha, but it sucks 'cause I seriously can barely run, well at least like turning and running, 'cause of my ankle! It sucks balls and ya if it's not better by the lacrosse season, shoot me now! It is my favoritest and best sport so I have to play it and score all the goals! haha! Ok guys suck, they piss the shit out of me, but I don't get it 'cause I still love them and obsess over them. I'm just waiting for that one day though where I'm no longer confused of the guy situation I'm in or who I like or who likes me, I can't wait to finally be in fricken utopia with my mind!And now that school's starting wow that'll never happen. Ok note to self: Never wear white pants when a water fight is about to happen.... if you didn't know about this water fight happening change right before it actually starts... therefore everyone wont be looking at your ass and your thong. Note to all of you: Water fights and squirt gun fights are fun until it gets dirty and people bring the bucket or when people start to wrestle guns away from you.... actually until you get the guys wet, if the girls dominate, well it's all hell from there. Funny how that works. Another note to self: SPOONS is a very bad card game and I should never play it 'cause I will never realize when people take the spoons, I'll just keep on playing no matter how hard I try to pay attention... I guess that goes back to my add.... oh well.... And I'm off to the movies in my basement! Whoa! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,August,2003 | My day was super boring, I watched tv probably about 3/4 of the day if not more. But tv is always good so I can't complain too much. I also got an mri on my ankle today, it took like 20-30 min to actually like get it complete and it is soooo loud. But it's cool 'cause they give you like a headset and play the radio for you except it wasn't loud enough to cover up the noise of the mri.... hey if anyone knows how mri's work email me at [email protected] ......But ya so I was laying on the bed thing and listening to the radio and I almost fell asleep, but then it ended. Oh man so after the mri I went to target and I got fricken school supplies!!! That was seriously depressing, it's august and I just got school supplies, but then I shouldn't be too depressed about that 'cause I have already turned in hw. Ha so tonight I am happy to saw that I kicked Nick's ass in wrestling...... well I think I did, so ya I win!! whoa go me! Ok tata! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 13,August,2003 | Today I woke up at 9:15, earliest I've waken up for like a week...... it was sad! To make it worse I had to get up and go to a meeting for the school newspaper to get article assignments, that actually wasn't that bad, and I got a good article, but still, it's early! Haha it was funny because it was early for me and I was driving I ran a fricken red light!! I didn't mean to, but ya I was looking like straight ahead and I noticed the cars were going and then I was deciding if I should switch lanes and then Leah and Janelle were like.... uhhhh kati.... you're running a red light... and then I like screamed and freaked out and I'm like geez good thing no one saw it.... and they're like well uhh we did..... highlight of my day right there. I saw American Pie 2 today, it was good and now I'm excited to go see American Wedding! That movies funny, but it makes me wonder, do all guys really think like that and are all guys really that horny? Ha oh yes the most likely are, ha oh well! More fun for me.... wink wink... ha no. Oh ya another highlight! I finally finished the bad of marshmellows that I opened like last week or the week before... I've been the only one eating them and I've been eating them plan, they're really good you'd be surprised, and I finished them today! Whoa! Ok I don't feel like being all sentimental and shit like that today so I'm not gonna get all this is how I feel and get deep about shit.... to tierd! I'm off to bed! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 12,August,2003 | Top 10 Rules For Guys and liking me: 1- Don't be constantly CONSTANTLY all over me, sometimes oh hell ya, but not all the time 2- Please be my friend for awhile before anything really happens 3- Yes buying stuff for me is acceptable, but not when we've hung out once and only talked on the phone 4- Don't constantly CONSTANTLY be saying that I'm so fricken hot, it's flattering, yes, but gets annoying after awhile 5- Don't laugh at every fricken thing 6- Like my friends even if you don't know them 7- When I ask you how the movie was, don't say 'I don't know I wasn't watching it.' 8- Just be there to have FUN with me, not to have sex with me..... ok that's not implying that I've had sex... I haven't 9- Don't be obsessive 10- Have more of a sense of humor than sarcastic, and be FUN and FUNNY! Oy ya that was a review of tonight, don't get me wrong, I had a good night, I just need to figure a few things out on what I want to happen and what I don't. So again today I went job hunting with Megan and Janelle, I ended up getting no job applications this time, that was depressing, but I did turn one in!! Yeah! Speaking of turning in, I turned in my AP US History essay!! That was happy stuff right there! Ok bye now! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,August,2003 | Why is it when your 15 you're like ok I have one more year until I can get a good job, but then when you are 16 you wish you were 18 so you get a even better job or I guess just a job for that matter? Oy, well at least that's why I'm having problems getting a fricken job! And guess what?! The Disney Store is hiring! I wanna work there so bad, but ya you have to be 18! I personally think that's bullshit. yes forgive me I said SHIT! Muh haha. Ha and ya I applied to Fanny Farmer that chocolate store today, wow if I work there I better not get fat, that would be a funny job though. I'm gonna try this paragraph stuff today, okay? haha that rthyms... how do you spell that? oh man. So from now on I quit all sports and am only gonna focus on one.... FOOSBALL! I figure that if I spend all my time at the foosball table then one day I'll eventually get good enough to beat Freddie or even Nick! Wow if I beat one of them, that would be the day! But no really I suck balls at that game except today when I was playing with Emir against Nick and Joesphine I scored 10 goals, ok 9 Nick scored one for us, it was amazing and ya we won! Whoa! Ya and that right there was the highlight of my day! Oh ya and writing essays suck, except now I'm done even though I'm like 147 words OVER, yes OVER, but yeah I'm happy! FINALLY DONE WITH SUMMER HW, ha or not 'cause on Tues I get the Echo assignment! Yeah! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,August,2003 | So it's been awhile! Oopsy, I forget.... I even forgot my username and it's only been like 2 weeks, how sad is that? So I think I have figured out this whole guy situation... I don't know if anything is actually gonna work out, but meh. See this one guy is just in it for the ass and I know it so I'm done with him. I just have to be able to feel a little more comfortable with this other guy until anything happens and I just want or wish that like he'd fit into my group or we could work that out some way. I don't mind being it just the 2 of us, but I love my group! Oh ya so some news I now have to get an mri on my ankle and if it's what the doc thinks it is... I may have to have surgrey!! yeah! or not. It sucks, but what am I gonna do? Ok never sprain your ankle that is my advice to you for today! Haha ok so Janelle and I had like a 30 min, if not longer, walk today, that was fun and it's funny 'cause it's like the most excersie I've gotten in like a week! haha oh well, but ya it was really nice out when we first started walking but man then it got really humid! So I watched the Final Destination 2 today, man it's pretty freaky, it really makes you think, how the hell are we all gonna die? and when is it gonna happen? and ya if you do cheat out on death is it bound to come right back at you? I almost believe 'cause I believe in fate.... what happens is meant to, if you die you were meant to... man it gets confusing and I better stop thinking about it now 'cause damn, I'll never get off the subject. Ok so I was gonna say something, but I forgot, man I hate it when that happens. Oh ya so I have 458 words written for my essay that is due on monday! I have to have a total of 750-1200 words! It's exciting, haha no, I'm like falling asleep writing this paper, and ya that's sad 'cause then it must really suck, but hey it's on America at 1750! Couldn't get worse than that! Ok I go now! : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 04,September,2003 | |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,September,2003 | Basically as of 9:17 when people left my house, it ended. My summer ended and that is really depressing. Offically school starts at 7:55 but for me tomorrow it offically starts at 7:00, ouch. Last night, in Chelsea's tent, haha yes we slept in a tent in her backyard, Leah and I were saying how we're gonna trying having as much fun as possible this school and were saying that the weeknights we don't have any hw we're gonna go out for sure and do stuff and have a sleep over even though it's a on a school night. And then I just kinda laughed at it all sadly 'cause like seriously that's never gonna happen. Leah's taking all IB classes while I'm taking all AP, IB, and well advanced classes, so combined I really doubt they'll be one day where neither of us have hw it sad. But ya we were saying how high school and been our age is supposed to be the most fun of our lives and we're supposed to have the least amount of responsibility right now, but it sucks 'cause we're spending this amount of time where were supposed to have fun doing hw! Seriously even in the summer we got hw and the summer is your free time! It's not fair and really is it gonna help us in life? Is hw gonna make us learn any better? School is meant for teaching students and making them learn, that is the point of teachers, so if they give us hw does that mean they're not teaching us? 'cause hw you do independtly without a teacher so clearly you're teaching yourself without the teacher. I don't think school is being used what it was meant for anymore 'cause now they're taking away our life and morals and well fun! I could learn the same amount if I just did hw or just learned in class, I don't need both things. Now I'm getting a job too, so weeknights I'll be doing about 5 hours of hw average and then weekends I'll be mostly working. I'm going to start to lose my social life which is depressing and well ya I'm not gonna have like any fun anymore!!! Jr. year is supposed to be one of the most fun years too! Oy, what have I gotten myself into. On a lighter note, I was thinking about how people get amussed. Like the most fun I had today with Nick, Emir, and Kate was when we were driving and Nick had my monkey puppet and was sticking out the window and when ever someone walked by we'd yell look at monkey!! And then we stalked a running group with it, but ya we laughed so hard and it's really sad 'cause we're 16 and that's where we get our fun. And like pranking? People think that's halarious and it is, but seriously it's so werid to think about what actually makes us have the most fun, you can't just sit there with all your friends and have fun, you can't just watch a movie and really have, it's take effort I tell ya. But seriously having any little bit of fun makes any day, or life. The time has come, life for me has ended, and a new one has started. The hw obsessive freak that'll never have any time for anything anymore, wow that's painful to say. But yes I do have to warn you that these blogs won't come as often anymore..... I wont have time to entertain all you out there reading this, which who knows is. So for now, please when you have fun dedicate it to me and think of me, and yes I will be back to write again! KT OKS |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,October,2003 | Ok first off it's been awhile, yes I know.... so things may be a bit rusty, but hey I'm a busy person now that schools started, so give me a fricken bone here! ha! People are weird. Not just certain individuals, but everyone, ever single person is weird..... if you're normal you're weird and if you're weird that still doesn't make you normal 'cause well that's werid. Sure this is a general statement, but really think about it, people really are strange. To be more specific on people being weird is when it comes to guys and girls and humanitary rituals. Like how one portrays themselve towards another and how people can change so much towards the opposite zex.... if that's the way you flow, ha. I'm not saying I don't change towards around guys, but I'm still myself, I don't act like I'm someone else, I'm the same me with maybe a couple modifications. But what I'm really trying to get across is why do people put up these fronts and change to please someone? What's the point of changing yourself to please someone else? Obviously if you have to change the way you are in the first place they're too shallow to be involved with you or even be your friend. When someone gets mad at you also for being self-involved and askes you to not ditch your friends anymore and shit like that, don't suck up to them, if you care, change your ways and really let them know that you care, don't just change 'cause someone is mad. Another question is why do people start ditching they're close friends when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend. You don't even know how possibly fed up I am with all of it. Ya cool I'm happy for you for having someone, I could actually be jealous, but I want one too, but no you don't just start ditching the people you've hung out with like every single weekend for like ever to hang out with this one person. So far 3 of my once closest friends have drifted into this pool of blood, well ok 1 has completely.... I used to tell this guy EVERYTHING and ya he liked me like more then a friend, but I just didn't see us like that, but I didn't think that hurt anything... anywho he does get a girlfriend and our once talking on the phone every night and hanging out every other day.... all that's gone to like him saying 'what up' or 'what's crackin' something not even amusing to me anymore, in the hall. And then my other really close friend, he just started to change so much, he changed this summer before he had a girlfriend, but not everything is coming out of him and it's really hard to see how he's actually feeling or thinking. Then there's like one of my best friends, she has been totally cool with handling this guy, who is also one of my good friends, but now she's starting to drift, for the first time, she has like canceled plans and not called us for him. And ya it's once whatever, but you can tell what might happen in the future, and because 2 of my really close friends have already done that too me, I don't want to see it happen again. I'm thinking all my thoughts have gone down the drain, I really don't remember what I was saying like 2 sec. ago.... that's my add kickin in for ya..... Lets see new subject.... lets do face expressions. Although I know nothing of this topic here are my thoughts on what you can tell from peoples eyes and well expressions. First, thanks to scott, I am going to talk about the eyes. Eyes are the one thing that you can tell people by. You can't tell who they really are by what they say or what they do, 'cause ya like I said before people can be very superficial and make shit up. But really if you watch a persons eyes and just look in them, you can see right through them, you really can. I haven't looked to hard obviously with how I've been going in relationships.... but if someone can't even look you in the eyes for instance, then they're liars, they don't really care. Ok I really can't stay on this subject. Just want to say that we gain an hour of sleep tonight or get to stay up for an extra hour, and ya we got our first snow, now that scares me. There are people I think howling across my street at... 1:00 or ok 12:00 in the morning... how odd. But ya I can say something about snow! Ok so snow I really like, but really hate. It's so pretty and refreshing, especially when there's sun, and ya then there's the holidays and excitement and snowmen and snowballs, which do hurt by the way, but then it's really depressing. When I think of pretty lights down town with the snow falling of course it reminds me of happy couples strolling down the side walk and then of course I'm then sitting there thinking oh god damnit this is the perfect time to have a boyfriend and of I don't! It just makes you that much more pissed off when I don't have a guy, which is often. But then again all seasons do that too me. Snow is really cold too and I don't do that well when it comes to cold. And this has got exceedingly long so I'm gonna leave you all with this quote to think about: Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be. muah! K LO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,November,2003 | So instead of doing homework right now, which I should really be doing.... I'm gonna write in my good ol' blog while I'm pissed off and have thoughts in my head. First off..... why they hell do I always like look for compliments but when I get them turn them down and not actually take them to heart? Like seriously I realized during hockey today that I don't really feel like I've accomplished anything at all in that sport because I don't feel like I get enough praise for the coaches or something, I feel like I always get the shaft... but when I am praised by other people I'm like ya right shutup you're only doing that to make me feel better. Then I just get really frusurated and obviously don't get any better. I just wanna tell ya'll that if you ever give me a compliment some how and I like totally reject it's only because I'm immensly screwed up in the head and vitorolic about like everything. I thank you for all the compliments if given but I just need to get whatever thing that's in me keeping anything from entering out. I know I have to keep everything my own and not compare myself to anyone 'cause obviously we're all different people in every single way. But I do, when it comes to grades and being smart and playing hockey... I compare myself and I'm like dude I suck. That might also be a reason for me being so bitter to accepting compliaments. I just wanna live in a life where there is no stress about anything. I wish I was 3 again... or in John Mayers song I was I was 6 again. Seriously if you think about it there was like no stress in our lives at all during that age, sure we may have had our temper tantrums but who cares we got over that in like a second and the only reason we acted in such a manner was because we most likely didn't get what we wanted, which clearly isn't related to what stress really is and doesn't fall under that topic. At that age you don't have to worry about school and college and what you want to do with your life. You don't have to worry about having a boyfriend or wanting a boyfriend, hell when you're 3 or 6 we're all basically little sluts messin around with all those little boys out there.... of your you guys you're the ones messin around with us and getting us to like you by calling as stupid (which actually still works to this very day at this very age, ha). But seriously if you can name one thing when you're that age that actually stresses you out I'd like to know, because life is a dream at the age, it's all to yourself and the future and sports and well life is not a problem. For one day I just wish I could focus on just that day, well no, on just that minute during that day, no thoughts about anything else, just what is happening, just like a 3 yr old. I want to go back to playing with my barbies I want to go back watching raffe... I want to go back to fairy tale land and not have to worry my life away. One simple day like that to get away from everything would possibly save me from a total breakdown some day. I just want to accel in one thing, really be the best at one thing, I want to be really smart or really good at all sports, but really right now I'm just somewhat smart, and somewhat good at sports. I'm really not complaining about that, I'm fine with being where I'm at, it's just that it gets to me when everything I'm in there's someone better then me, I guess that also has to go along with me being so competitive. I know I've probably got all my ideas from fairy tales and chick flicks 'cause I'm waiting for that perfect moment, perfect time, perfect guy, perfect kiss, and well perfect life. I have come to reality and have realized that is not going to happen, but if I were to have one wish, and to live it for a day, that would be it. But truely life is good, and I really can't complain, the only time I could is if I was dying or one of those kids in like Ethiopia that have malnutrition and dying of starvation. I just wish certain things would evaporate into the air and dissapear from my life forever. But while I'm hear wishing I should probably go to studying for ap us and doing all my hw, oh joy. From the quote of the day: 'The only way to enjoy anything in this life is to earn it first.' : )~KTO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,November,2003 | Moods and emotions blow. Or ok Sundays blow because you're stuck in the house all day doing homework and well thinking. At least that's how it is for me. I did get to go to Noodles today with Kate though and that was fun, it's funny 'cause we're incredibly losers. Especially when together. Ok so I'm soooooo lost on how I feel about anything and everything. I don't know what I want. I know i'm indesive and I know I have to ask opinions of everyone, but still I just wish that would all just go away and leave me alone! I wish decisions were easy to make and didn't have an effect on yourself or other people. I wish you could really just explain yourself and be understood by other people and by well yourself. I have no idea what to think anymore. I basically confuse the shit out of myself 'cause I really contradict my feelings. I say that I want a boyfriend, which I do, but then when I have the oppurtunity I think I get scared or something. Actually no, it's that I get stuck on an idea and on a person and when someone presents to me as a relationship type of guy, but they aren't exactly this idea.... then I don't know I just try to find as many things as possible wrong with them or get certain annoyances with them. I don't know, I just really don't know. I'm addicted to a certain touch and routine and when I'm not getting that by someone then it's just not right. I'm immediately drawn to this touch and emotion whenever it is presented in front of me and once it happens once, I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm stuck. I have come to the conclusion and that I'm stuck with emotions for 5 years back, once something effects me, good or bad, it stays within me and everything else that wants to proceed into my life is hard to stand a chance when dealing with these feelings. I want to live in my own little world where eveything can happen right for me, but I'm not and I need to get over that. I need to wake up from my dream and face reality and realize the people and things I strive for aren't always going to happen and I'm not always going to win the fight. I need to experience the unexperienced within myself and even if there is an uncertianty somewhere I need to get over it and notice that there's always going to be one little mistake, one little flaw. It's just that that one flaw can either be disastorous or unnoticeable at all. I'm just so confused with everything and I'm just really glad hockey is starting so it can take my mind off of everything, off of life, off of homework, off of guys. I think I really just need time to myself to figure it out. I hate feeling like I have to make a choice 'cause I just go by the flow, I don't plan shit and I don't like shit planning around me. I'm just sorry if I do hurt anyone in the process, including myself, and I just hope everyone understands. This blog was brought to you by the quote of the day: There are no wrong choices; there are only different choices. -Susan Jeffers luv ya'll----> Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,November,2003 | So I wrote another blog a couple of weeks ago..... but it somehow got deleted so I gave up on blogging for a bit, I know I'm sorry to keep ya'll waiting, haha, but ya I couldn't face my fears of entering a blog for awhile. But here I am once again. Anywho as you see by my lovely title, today's topic is going to be on weather and how it's changed and how it really does effect us all. Weather is a lot more powerful then just keeping you inside on a summer day. Weather effects your mood. In the winter I tend to notice, and I'm sure everyone else does too, how people get a lot moodier and a lot more depressed in the winter. Part of this could be the seasonal defect disorder or something of that sort, but ya if it's cloudy for a month you're bond to get crabby, that's just how it goes. That's why winter is such a pain, not only do girls have to deal with pms, but in the winter when it's cold and cloudy and you're pmsing at the same time, wow dang. That's all I have to say. Winter also can make you happy and cheerful due to the holidays. I know at this time of year it's supposed to be joyous and giving and everyone thinks of their family and friends, which is true. Winter can make you think of the good moments and especially those kick ass times that you had as a kid building snow forts and throwing snow balls.... I haven't quite gotten over that one though. But along with the holidays I really think it makes people wish for things they don't have..... which is obviously a depressing moment. Like for me the winter makes me want a boyfriend.... but really any season does, haha. But ya in my situation right now I could have boyfriend and be really happy at these times, but I'm just so confused on everything and life and how my brain really works, plus do I really have time for one? Ok ok sorry I can't get off subject. Winter also means hockey season for me and well if your from park you better be hella excited 'cause we're going to state again! Guys and girls!!! But anywho I got my hockey schedule yesterday and damn. We already have 11 games before winter break and we have 20 regular season games. But including our winter tournament and sections and if we get to state.... we could have up to probably like 30 games if not ore.... that is if we got all the way. Without state and one section game we'll have like 25. But ya I now realzied how I'm gonna have like no time on my hands what so ever. Hockey will control my life and then I'll have a whole shitload of hw like always and then starting in either janurary or feburary I'll be starting winter league lacrosse. Sure winter is kick as time for sports, but damn time in that is that key word. Winter is also very very cold and well I don't do too well in the cold, I freeze in like a second and then you got the dry skin and frizzy hair and it's really hard to look good in the winter 'cause well at least for me I always wanna wear sweatpants and sweatshirts to keep warm!!! Warm showers and fluffy covers and hot chocolate and fires are a plus in the winter though too. In conclusion, besides the few good things here and there..... I have great abomination for the winter and it's basically an interloper in my life. So unless I have a guy to ingratiate with or something really gets me in a fermented state.... I'd rather just go from fall to spring and skip the whole Minnesotan weather. This has been brought to you by the quote of the day: Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. - Katherine Mansfield : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,December,2003 | I miss having sleepovers when I was like 10, it would consist of playing with barbies, eating popcorn, and watching a PG movie or being a rebel and watching a PG-13 one. And if you didn't fall asleep during the movie you would stay up for like 10 minutes talking about the crush you have on that guy that sits kiddy corner from you who always makes fun of you. Now they consist of your problems with people and the problems you yourself have and analyzing people. Way to complicated for me. All I've been thinking about these last two days are how shallow people can be though, or how like spolied and greedy we all are. Christmas and the holidays are supposed to make you really happy and joyous and it's the time for giving, but honestly all I could think about when I opened the gifts was what have we come to when all we do is recieve more money and more shit from our parents? I know I'm greedy and want all this and keep it all, but I don't need it and it almost hurts to accept a gift when I should just send all the money over to some place that doesn't have anything. And then if I get a gift and dont' like it I feel even worse 'casue it's like they were trying to be gracious and benevolent and I'm turning them or it down because I simply don't like it because 'it's not my style' or 'it's stupid.' No, I just hate what everything has come down to. Trust me the holidays have been great, but I almost see no purpose in it for me and I don't like it. I feel an emptiness in me because I seriously don't have a point to celebrating anything. I also celebrate Hannukah, but I have no purpose in that either. I'm glad that I'm not freakishly religious, but I really do wish I had a religious background of some sort because half my family is jewish, the other half christian, and then I'm just there not having really any beliefs in anything and not knowing or feeling anything for the holidays. I guess it's just kind of frusturating. Know what I realized? That half the people I like or have liked is not because of their personality, well it is, but most of the reasons that I've liked people a lot are because of the connection I've had with them. If I have a great feeling with someone, a great connection with someone and not anyone else, it's going to be hard for me to get rid of that feeling when I don't have it with anyone else. That's also a reason why it takes me so fricken long for me to get over someone. If I feel like I'm over them for like a week and haven't seen them for awhile, right when I see them again or anything, that connection is back and I like them again. Wow, things work in odd ways. So sno daze is coming up on Feb. 14. Of course it's valentines day. Which ya is a good day to have a dance, but also very bad because then you want a date and you want a date that you like. If you come with a guy who's just a friend to this dance it's gonna be kinda odd, 'cause well it's valentines day. Enough said. All this means, that I'm going to have to think about who the hell I want to go with, which really I almost don't care, just someone good, and then I have to think about a dress. Wow, I hate dresses, but love them at the same time, they're kinda like guys in a sense. But I'm sick of wearing the big formal dresses to this dance, I know it's likt he most formal besides prom, but I want to do something different, I want something that's comfertable but looks really good and something that know one else will think of. I want my own style for this dance. It's either that or I'm borrowing a dress from someone which may be hard 'cause my ass is bigger than all my friends.... or ya I don't know maybe I'll be different for prom. Just wait and see. But ya and FYI, I do need a date if you didn't notice. I offically hate school even more because they give you homework on your BREAK which really then isn't a break. I don't want to go back to that place. Good thing I have another week. It's really weird when you're online and your sisters at a friends online and then they talk to you and tell you that they're all drunk and that your sister is passed out with a guy. And then when you realize it most likely really did happen, it's even weirder. This is funny, and kind of sad, but really seeing that I'm a good girl for the most part and have only drinken on my cruise, I really would want to get piss drunk with my friends now, just to have the experience. Yes I know this was all very random, but kiss my ass, ya'll know that you want to too if you haven't already. Plus I think I'm somewhat starting to become a rebel, yes me, because ya stress does weird shit to ya, it really does. But don't worry, ten bucks nothing happens. 'Food is an important part of a balanced diet.' -Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 22,December,2003 | First off I am going to say that The Return of the King or the 3rd Lord of the Rings, is the pimpest movie ever and even though it's 3 hours and 15 minutes long and has like 5 endings, it's still the best movie ever and ya'll should go see it. And if you hadn't noticed, I just saw that movie, and I didn't fall asleep or leave the theater once, which ya'll should know is an accomplishment for me. Ok so throughout the movie, and well I think about this randomly a lot too, why do some words stick out in peoples heads more than others? Why are somethings funny, somethings sad, and somethings boring? Like really how do somethings attract to some people but not others? I don't really know where I'm going with with this, but it's randomly poped up in my head a lot and it's just weird how one person can see something and other can't. It's not just like that in movies or comedy, but in life and in people. How can one person see a quality that one may pocess and another not? Why do some people laugh at others jokes and others not? I don't get it, but maybe it was something I or anyone else will never know. I think it's that I just thought to much about it and ya this is where it has lead me. And ya I'm sure most of it has to deal with your personality too, if you're a shallow person or well-rounded, if you like to have fun or sulk all the time. Who knows. There's one thing that I must say is very weird. Usually when it's winter break I like jump for joy and am excited about it every second of the day. But this year it's different, I feel more overwhelmed then ever and almost more stress because it's like here's two weeks to take a break and have fun, but I'm not thinking about that, all I can think about is how much shit I have to get done this break and how I have like 5 essays to write, but really don't want to because Iw ant to spend 2 seconds of my life not thinking about homework or school. It's crazy but I honestly had a dream about my college writing paper and then during the movie randomly the thought of my paper came up too. I think it makes me more pissed off that we have a break, because for me it's really not a break, it's a time to catch up on everything that I've missed and start and finish things that need to be done. I also have to figure out when to get all my presents done by and deal with hockey and soon lacrosse. Things just don't seem right anymore, they just don't flow and I don't know how to approach it anymore, I honestly don't. I know I say this all the time, but I just want to live one day without any worries or complaints or stress, just one day. I'm tired though and I'm see this all turning into shit soon 'cause I can't think and barely remember the last word I just wrote. So ya night! Make a true estimate of your own ability, then raise it ten percent. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 16,December,2003 | My mind is having a revolution of some sort I swear. It was just last week or like 3 days ago where I hated everything and was pissed off at so much and at myself. I was sick and I didn't feel like I was going to get better and I had so much homework too, I was so stressed out and I didn't want to deal with anything at all. Now, I'm starting to get back on track. Not only am I feeling like ten times better, but I'm actually really happy again. I think I have more positive thoughts then negatives thoughts for the first time in a long time. Ya sure I still hate school and feel like I suck in that area, but I'm gaining confidence in hockey and that is helping soooooo much. I've been playing first line and working my ass off and just the accomplishment I give myself is really all I need. Basically, I'm starting to do things on my own and actually stick up for myself. Sorry if I get pissy at you or anything or yell at you, but I'm just sick of so much shit that is so unnessicary to begin with. It's so much added stress that I clearly don't need, so now I'm done with taking everything I get from people in and I'm not letting people treat me like I have no feelings because seriously I'm probably one of the most emotional people I know. I'm done with people making me feel like I'm the size of an ant and stepping up to the plate and addressing the issue. No more Mr. Nice Guy or Mrs. Nice Girl anymore. Actually, I'm being way more positive on everything, I'm looking towards the positive side and going from there. From now on if people aren't giving me support, I'm going to tell them, and well I already kind of had. I'm one of those people who can get all the support from people they can get otherwise I have no confidence level at all. I'm also addressing issues not only that I have but multiple people have and trying to change something that should be changed and should be more positive. I'm no longer going to be affected by other people or my negative thoughts and try my best to do my best and not get down on myself so much because that's one thing that I can get my hands on and change to make my life one step easier. Although I'm still like totally utterly confused about my life and where it's going and about guys and what I really want, I feel like I've finally gotten a grip on my life to make it really go where I want it to go. I have more control over what I can do then what I can't do and what I believe I can do then what I believe I can't do. But hey you never know all this positiveness has really just come out of my ass and I may be bitching again in a week. 'Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.' -Anais Nin Luv---->Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 15,December,2003 | I think my world has revolved around Sesame Street this past quarter. For those of you who don't know I am writing my 14 page college writing paper on how Sesame Street has impacted education and children. Anywho I have never felt so much like I've repeatedly written the same thing over and over, there are like 2 main ideas and 2 main points, but other then that nothing. I have gotten a lot of quotes from the books and I must say that looking at all those pictures and singing along to the songs do make me of so happy! I am now here to pass some of these fabulous quotes along. 'Smarter than a speeding bullet furrier than a powerful locomotive able to leap tall sandwiches ina single bound!!! Look... up in the sky! It's an eggplant! It's a meatball! It's... SUPERGROVER!' 'We superheroes bruise easily, you know.' -Supergrover. 'Me love to look out the window at night. See all the pretty stars- twinkle, twinkle. You know what moon remind me of? It remind me of great, big, delicious cookie!' -Cookie Monster 'I love pigeons more than anything else in this world- besides oatmeal.' -Bert The best song ever: Rubber Duckie. Rubber Duckie you're the one, you make bathtime lots of fun. Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you yo-yo-dee-o. Rubber Duckie joy of joys, when I squeeze you, you make noise, rubber duckie you're my very best friend it's true. And I can continue, but I'll pass. So right now instead of doing homework I am sitting here telling you about Sesame Street which is said to be very educational. If that is case then I have just contradicted that statement by making myself, and probably you too, dumber. In fact, throughout this whole research paper, I think it has been reading about puppets and chosing my favorite one at the age of 16 that has probably wasted my time more then anything, but then again if you read those quotes and see how random they are, everyone should understand why I stay amused. I am now going to leave you with a song most everyone should know: Sesame Street. Sunny Day, sweepin' the clouds a way. On my way to where the air is sweet- Can you tell me how to get how to get to Sesame Street? Come and play ev'ry thinks a o-kay. Friendly neighbors there thats where we meet- Can you tell me how to get how to get to Sesame street? And clearly this is a valid question, I would truely like to know how to get to Sesame Street, and well how to find a 3rd fricken book on it!! Seriously there are only 2 and I have them both!! Hahaha! Anywho if you know how to get to Sesame Street, please tell me! KOakes |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,December,2003 | I seriously feel like I have lived my whole life wanting something so bad that I can't have or will never get. I feel like I've set goals for myself that can never be accomplished by me. I know people say 'if you want something so bad, you'll get it' but it's not always true. For somethings I want I'm just not smart enough to get it, really I'm not, I think I may be sometimes because I have unbelieveably smart friends, but I need to realize I'm not one of those people. I also need to realize that I don't have money and my mom isn't made of money so I can't always get what I want it when comes to that sense. I just need to live in reality for like a day see things for how they really are. On a side note though, yesterday, Saturday, has been the first good day I've had in like a billion years, ok so I exaggerate, but still. I've been sick for way too long and I've been sooooooo stressed out it's not even funny. I don't have time to sit down and relax with all the homework I have and hockey. But ya with hockey. It's been weird 'casue ever since I got sick I've been playing better, besides one game, which really shouldn't be the case 'cause I'm like hacking up who knows what while on the ice.... maybe that's scaring all the opponets away. But anywho yesterday we had a hockey game against Minnetonka, and ya right when I got to the rec my coach was like how do you feel and I'm like a lot better actually, I got 12 hours of sleep. So ya we don't have set lines on our team, but like right before warm ups the coach told us the lines, and ya she's like Oakes is with Frankie and Keseley..... and ya that would be first line, and I got to start with them and everything. It was tight and I've seriously never played so much in a game in my life and I actually could keep up and play hockey. It felt sooooo good! Playing how I did yesterday and not caring if I felt like I was gonna die, but just kept on going is what I love, and that just really makes me feel like I have a purpose of playing hockey adn that I don't suck. How come you can feel so comfortable in someones arms, but not in someone elses? Seriously with all the guys that I've had like potential relationships with or what not, there's only been one guy that I've truely felt happy and comfortable with. I don't wanna leave their arms once I'm in them, I just wanna be like that forever. But the bad thing is this guy I know isn't good for me, he's not what I need, but what I want. There's so many issues between us and so many trust issues I have with him and our past has had so many ups, but probably more downs. I know all this, but when I'm with him it all leaves me. My heart takes over and my head isn't even there at that point. I still think that it's possible for soemthing to change in him and for something to happen, and ya it might, but I feel and think that every time, and it never happens. I want to be able to drift away from him and just say no leave me alone to him, but I can't. At this point I don't think it's possible for me to just walk away. I want to be with him and I don't even know why. All I know is that this feeling I get makes me so happy and makes me feel so good that I just don't want it to end. I just want him to know that when I'm in his arms and he kisses my head is different then anything else and any other feeling and I just want to stay in that moment with him forever. I want this so bad, but at the same time I know it'll probably just cause me more stress and trouble then before, but I just can't break out of it. I haven't been able to for a year. If anyone has any suggestions please tell me 'cause I'm stuck on him, I can't get over him and again he's something that I want, but probably can never have. But really when you want something so bad and you just can't let go, but you can never have it, when does that feeling of trying to obtain that one thing ever go away? If it's soemthing you strive for and wish for that completes your life how do you just let go of it like it's never had an impact on your life and it's never been apart of your life and it's never been half the reason you stay sane? I just can't do it. Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be. -joesph campbell : )~KTO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 05,December,2003 | So I'm writing this blog for all of you people who actually read my blog and who have told me that I haven't written in it for awhile. Actually no, I'm writing this blog on a Friday night at 10:45 (I've actually been online since 10) because I'm to busy dying and being miserable to do anything else. I suppose I could sleep, but my mom needs to come home with the cough medicince first, ha. I've never felt so shity in my life. Maybe I have, but it's been a fricken long time since. Fevers and having the flu, for one, are obviously horrible, ya they only last like 3 days, but those 3 days, you can't move. I had spent 3 days this week sitting, actually no lying down on my couch, attempting to watch tv litterally the whole day. I'd wake up at like 12 and go from my bed to down stairs and then the only time I would get up is when I had to go to the bathroom and then at like 11 I'd crawl back upstairs to my bed. In 3 days I also had about one meal. I actually lost like 5 pounds from that, healthy eh? So if that wasn't bad enough, I just happen to get it right after thanksgiving break, which some may say is good, 'cause you don't want to be sick during your break, but really for me, you do. Seeing that I got sick right after, I of course missed 3 days of school in a row. Missing 3 total of the school year, that's ok, but 3 in one week? Hell no. I now have so much to learn and of course by myself and so much extra to do. Plus I have hockey on top of all that and ya I missed a game and then like 2 practices. I played last night and I'm playing tomorrow, but now i'm playing when I'm sick, not helping me get any better. Warning next paragraph may be graphic. I don't know if this usually happens, but ya after my flu I then took on symptoms of a cold. Colds are the most inconvience things ever, you feel like shit and odn't want to do anything, but you have to because it's 'just a cold.' But today, right now, I don't feel like this is any regular cold. My cough is what is driving me insane, literally insane. It's not normal, I cough 'cause I have all this crap in my chest and throat and what not, except when I breath in like deep, like most do before they cough I get like this fucked up cough like something like a hairball is coming out of me!!! It sounds gross and trust me it feels 10 times worse. And with that I stilll can't get the cough I need to make my throat or whatever stop itching! So it's an ongoing cycle of coughing and never accomplishing what the cough was meant to do. They only thing it has done is make my head feel like it's going to explode and then drive me nuts. With everything, I also get really dizzy sometimes and I have been so out of it I forget what I was going to do or what I have to do in like a second. I can't function right now and all I want to do is get stuff done and feel better again!!! I have barely even laugh since I've been sick, I really can't 'cause then I start coughing. All I know is that I was stressed out before I was sick and now.... whoa. This is going to be fun. Lifes a bitch. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 24,January,2004 | Tonight I just talked to this guy I met on my cruise last spring break. Wow that was weird, but now I remember how cool he was and how much fricken fun it was on the cruise, I wish I was back there, I wish I had never left. Ok no this guy was not like my 'lover' on the cruise, he's my sisters age and we met him and hung out with him until like 4 in the morning like every nice. Seriously though he is so cool, there needs to be more people like him in this world. First of all he is hott, he is damn fine and he could probably get a lot of girls, and ya there was like this one group of girls that were really good looking that he met, but he didn't hang out with them, but he hung out with us.... he thought they were too immature, shallow, and what not. He didn't care about getting ass or about looks, but he just wanted people who would have fun, in their own way, and that was us. Seriously I didn't even think he would want to hang out with us 'cause we would spend our time like playing cards or just sitting in the hot tub or sitting in our room watching movies. But he joined us. I remember one night we were sitting outside at like 12 in the morning and there were ash trays out and those stirring sticks for coffee, and there was hot chocolate and napkins too... ya so of course I had matches to go along with all that too.... ok yes I'm getting to the point. So ya we stock up on hotchocolate and spill all over and then I grabbed like tons of those sticks and napkins and then we stuck them in the ash tray thing. And then I lit it on fire! We had like a mini bon fire going, it was tight and then we had to put it out with like 2 cups of water. The next day all the ash trays and hot water and sticks and napkins and hot chocolate were gone. There was another night when we were in key west flordia and we weren't leaving until like 5 in the morning so we strolled around key west at like 2 in the morning and just sat around and walked around watching all the drunks and watching for fights to happen. Another night we watched Harry Potter 2 in our room at like 2 in the morning and Eric, the guy feel asleep on the floor watching it so we took a ballon and poped in his ear and freaked the shit out of him. Then like 2 sec later Katie feel asleep and we wrote on her face and put toothpast on her face, it was great. Wow that was fun, fun fun fun. Eric also goes to the airforce academy and wrestles and plays football there, it's tight. I've decided to make these blogs shorter because I'm sure people lose intrest less then half way through if it's a billion words long. I have so much more to talk about tonight though and I didn't even do anything. I guess I'll have to save it for tomorrow for the interest of my people. We will BEAT EDINA tomorrow, I promise. k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 23,January,2004 | I am so glad and so happy to say that 1st semester is over!!!!! That was the most hellish semester and like period of my life, wow. Seriously though I've never had to work that hard in my life and read so much and think so much. It's crazy what school does to you and how stressed out it makes you, seriously do we really need an education that much? I don't feel like I do. Oh well. So instead of college writing 2 and honors english, I now have outdoor photo and a study hall, that cuts my workload in half and wow am I going to be happy when I can actually finish all of my homework and read all my packets. I'm hoping for a little change in my grades..... ok more like a big change. What pisses me off about this last semester and school is that I feel like I worked my ass off, but it doesn't show so much. Like yes I could have done more work and I could have stayed up until one every night to actually do all my homework and study for every class, but I can't do that, I fall asleep at like 11. But I still feel liek I put in a substantial amount of work, but it still wasn't good enough for me. My grades aren't too bad, but I still think they suck, oy I don't know. I just feel like everything that I work for and actually want to do good in and try to do good in, blows up in my face at the end. Like seriously this week I have never felt so much like a failure. I studied my ass off like since saturday and didn't do anything at all and then I take the tests and I feel like I failed them all, like seriously I'm sure I did. It's the worst feeling ever to feel like you have worked so hard to get to this one point and to accomplish so much and when the time actually comes it's like no you can't do good, you can't accomplish everything you want to. It's not only school though, hockey too. I'm probably making a bigger deal about it then it is, but it still pisses me off. I've been playing first line for like 5 weeks or more and then I got a concussion on saturday, played like shit that game anyways, and then found out I coudlnt' play in our game on tues. that sucked. Anywho, now someone else is playing first line and it's total bullshit 'cause I work my ass off ten times more then she does, and she even told me she doesn't want to play 1st line!! And then brandi and other people on the team are like kati I do'nt know why you're not playing 1st, you deserve it more than anyone. I don't know maybe things will change for the game this sat., I hope they do 'cause I have been working so hard to get to that spot and I finally did and then after being out for a day, one day, it's taken away from me like that, wow that sure feels good..... I'm so sick of complaining though, yes I am stressed, yes I work my ass off and barely get a break, but I put myself in the position of working so hard, I can stop, but I don't, as simple as that. I just wish I can do good at something and stay good at something and actually fully accomplish something without it blowing up in my face at the end. Whatever. So I think I'm going to Colorado for sno daze weekend, aka valentines weekend. I'll be going with my cousins so it'll be a lot of fun, but ya one problem..... I don't know how to ski or snowboard, haha oops. But ya I think it'll be so much fun and a good experience so I'm gonna go. But ya then there's the thought, well maybe I should stay here 'cause it is valentines day weekend and sno daze and something could happen.... but then what would happen? Valentines day has actually been pretty bad for my in the past, ok not bad, just not good. I have never once gotten one thing from a guy while all my friends have, it's kinda sad, but oh well. But hey maybe I'll meet someone in colorado! haha, yes I know, I'm dreaming. But seriously think how romantic that would be, I'm out there skiing, ok more like falling on my ass, and then I just randomly meet, or run into, this guy and then he ends up staying in the same place I am, and then we spend the rest of the weekend together, it's like a movie!! Ha, yes I know that'll never happen, but I like to think about it, it gives me more of a reason to go to colorado. So my new, or more favorable, obsession is now underwear, oh and Orlando Bloom, but most people should know about that one, wow I love that guy.... but ya underwear. It's a really good but really bad obessesion for me to have. It's not like anyone is actually going to see my underwear, or at least the people who would actually care, guys, but I still go out and buy like $12 underwear from like Abercrombie or Victoria's Secret. On top of that I do'nt even have any money so I don't know how I'm getting away with that. But it is a fun obsession because they're really a lot of cute underwear out there and ya, it's fun to own, haha ya ok I'm done with that. Even though I slep till 11:30 I'm still tierd. The easiest way to get what you want it to help others get what they want. -Deepak Chopra : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,January,2004 | Ok I know ya'll want to read more about me, so here it is! haha. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (267) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? yes (268) If you did experience that for one day, what would you do? masterbate all day long (272) Honestly, what do you notice first in the opposite sex? Notice first, obviously the looks, becasue that is the first thing you'll actually know about them meeting them for the first time. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* POSSESSIONS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (273) What is your fave possession? my blanky (274) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? a good boyfriend (275) How badly do you want it? That's a stupid question *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON... *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (279) That haunted you? haunted? (280) You wanted to kill? I don't think I've had a killer, ohhh wait it was jon! (281) That you laughed at? kate, kathrin, anny (282) That laughed at you? kate, kathrin, anny (283) That turned you on? the guy at the movie theater, he's a hottie, if only I knew his name... (284) You went shopping with? leah (285) That broke your heart? nick (286) To disappoint you? emir (287) To ask you out? calvin, haha (288) To make you cry? peter pan in the movie(289) To brighten up your day? it's sad that I don't know (290) That you thought about? jenny because I just talked to her a sec before I read this question (291) You saw a movie with? kate and her brothers! (292) You talked to on the phone? talk talk? emir (294) You saw? kate (295) You lost? ? (296) You went head over heels for? the guy at the movie theater! 97) You thought was completely insane? all of my friends (299) You told off? I don't remember (300) You trusted? the last person I trusted? How does that work, so you can't constantly trust more than one person? (301) You turned down? ok this isn't technically, but I guess calvin, haha *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (302) Smiled? when I saw my sister and her friends come home with wendys!!!! (303) Laughed? at annys or in the car with kate(305) Bought something? today, a movie ticket! (306) Danced? I don't remember, bpa? (307) Were sarcastic? I'm never sarcastic! (308) Kissed someone? hmmmmm, in my dream! (309) Talked to an ex? Well I'm kinda talking to Sean right now.... (310) Watched your fave movie? last night (317) Were mean? who knows, last night or today (318) Sang? in the car on the way home with kate, lean on me! (320) Said 'I love you'? Today (325) Smoked weed? Never (326) Got drunk? no comment (327) Had sex? never *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* A LAST TIME for everything... *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (328) Last book you read: sula, I never finished it though, maybe I should, wow it sucks (329)Last movie you saw: Peter Pan (331) Last thing you had to drink: Welchs Grape Juice (332) Last time you showered: last night (333) Last thing you ate: one wendys fry (334) Last CD you bought: all american rejects (335) Last thing you bought: a movie ticket, didn't they already ask this? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* RIGHT THIS MOMENT... *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (336) Had Sex? no (337) Are you going to? hell yes (338) Will it be with your significant other? yep (340) What are you wearing right now? larissa's fleece soccer sweatshirt and emir's, well now mine, sweatpants (341) Body-part you're touching right now: cheeck (342) What are you worried about right now? fucking homework school shit (344) What's on your mouse pad? I don't have one 345) Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: tired, anxious, overwhelmed, happy, depressed (346) Are you bored? meh (347) Are you tired? very (348) How long did this survey take u? pretty long, but I did get a break!! The question is how long did it take for you to finish reading this?! I'm very proud if you got through it all. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,January,2004 | I honestly don't have a new years resolution, I don't really care. But what I do want to do is just understand myself a little more and live the life I want to be living and not live it on expectations I have for myself or anyone else has for me. I'm going to slow down, or try to, and take one thing at a time instead of always stress about homework even when I'm out hanging with my friends on a friday night. New years was very fun, I love all my friends so much!! Haha, ya it was a very eventful night, oh ya and on top of that, well ok one of the events, I dyed my hair. I officially have dark brown hair, whoa. So I was reading my ap us book today and I realzied, ok no I realized this like when I first read the first sentence, that nothing catches my attention in this book, ya it's good writing, but it's boring. Yawn. Anywho, I was reading today and I actually found a paragraph or like 2 sentences that sound really well and that well caught my attention strangely, here it is: 'Paralysis gripped the national government as the Civil War continued to cast its shadow, preventing political leaders from grappling with new issues facing the country because they remained mired in the passionate partisanship of the past.' Don't you just love how that flows?! Wow. Ok so now is the time to start the new year off with everyone really knowing shit about me, yes it's called a personal survey that I'm sure all ya'll have obtained in your emails once in your life. This is your oppurtunity to know who I really am and no the specifics you've always wanted to know. Oh yes and I did get this off of Sara's blog, so I am crediting her, thanks! This is a warning however because it is EXTREMELY long. 1)The singular most boring question: Do you have a picture? Yes (3) Are you named after anyone? No (5) Your screen name: ChickaSS31 or Twinky1405 (7) What would you name your children? Dylon and Jordan and Morgan and Taylor and Emma (8) If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be? I think my parents would have named me Matt (9) If you could switch names with a friend, who would it be? Zoe (10) Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do with your name constantly? Yes, they spell it KATIE always katie, but it's not yes, I know I'm different but it's really K-A-T-I. No E. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ BASICS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (12) Your gender: FeMale (13) Straight/gay/bi? Straight. (14) Single? Ya (16) Your birth date: June 21, 1987 (17) Your age: 16 (20) Your height: 5'4' (21) The color of your eyes: Brown, very brown(22) Happy with it? Why not (23) The color of your hair: As you all know my hair is naturally light brown/dark blonde with 2 blonde streaks in the front, however I dyed my hair as I said before and now have dark brown hair. (24) Happy with it? Well I did dy it to make it this color, so yes (25) Left/right/ambidextrous? Right but I'm left sticked in hockey and lacrosse. (29) What's your job: Do I really have time for one? I'll find one in the summer. (30) Piercings? double in ears (32) Obsessions? orlando bloom, pirates of the carrabbiean, josh hartnett, clothes, abercrombie, underwear. (33) Addictions? uhhh..... guys! (35) Do you speak another language? Mas or menos espanol. (36) Have a favorite quote? Plenty, but I'm too lazy to write it/them down. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (38) Do you live in the moment? Yes, for the most part (39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? yes, if they deserve it (40) Do you have any secrets? Oh yeah.... (41) Do you hate yourself? I love me (42) Do you like your handwriting? Look at my handwriting and tell me what you think..... hell no! (43) Do you have any bad habits? swearing and biting nails sometimes. (44) What is the compliment you get most from people? I like your ass, lol (45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? Dazed and Confused (46) What's your biggest fear? being attacked by a spider (47) Can you sing? I think so, I used to and Leah says I can! Ok when I want. (50) What are your no. 1 priorities in life? To have fun, acheive all my goals, and do everything to my fullest potential. (51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you? uhhh depends who this other person was. (52) Are you a daredevil? i think so (53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? yes.... (54) Are you passive or aggressive? both (56) What is your greatest strength and weakness? weakest is my bones, haha, ummm i don't, you can answer that (57) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? to live a relaxing life (59) What do you do to vent? crying, sleep, keep on talking (60) Do you think you are emotionally strong? uhh at certain times (61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? no, i dont live in regret (63) What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? Take time to appreciate life and meet people (64) What do you like the most about your body? my stomach, at times, but I guess everyone else likes my ass, especially anny (65) And least? haha my ass, at times, no my legs, why the hell do I have so much muscle?(66) Do you think you are good looking? some days (67) Are you confident? for the most part (68) What is the fictional character you're most like? Smeigal from Lord of the Rings, haha (70) Are you perceived wrongly? hmm, i dont know how i'm perceived in the first place *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DO YOU... *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (71) Smoke? no (72) Do drugs? no (73) Read the newspaper? nah, probably should though seeing that I'm on the Echo and Mrs. Page is like read read READ! (74) Pray? at funerals (75) Go to church? no, I'm party jewish! (76) Talk to strangers who IM you? haha ya, people are funny (77) Sleep with stuffed animals? no, but I have them (78) Take walks in the rain? umm, no, but I play sports in the rain, now that's fun.... sometimes(79) Talk to people even though you hate them? I don't hate people, but I don't like people..... and yes I do talk to them (80) Drive? yes (81) Like to drive fast? If it's not slippery and if I'm not afraid I will get pulled over or my car will break down *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* WOULD OR HAVE YOU EVER... *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (83) Hurt yourself? Ok you all should know this, I'm not answering (84) Been out of the country? yes, but not europe or canada (86) Had sex? no (87) Been unfaithful? ?? 88) Been in love? maybe.... (92) Had a surgery? nope (95) Gotten beaten up? does hockey or lacrosse or soccer count? (97) Been picked on? who hasn't? (98) Been on stage? Yup, I used to be in plays! (100) Slept outdoors? yes (101) Thought about suicide? everyone has thought about death, dont give me that shit (106) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? no (107) Slept all day? I've slept for 14 hours (109) Made out with a stranger? no (110) Had sex with a stranger? no (111) Thought you're going crazy? everyday (112) Kissed the same sex? no (113) Done anything sexual with the same sex? no (114) Been betrayed? ummm ya (115) Had a dream that came true? I don't remember (116) Broken the law? sure (117) Met a famous person? Screw all you who've met Josh Hartnet!!! (145) Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? hmm probably, i just didnt remember (147) Been on radio/TV.? Hell ya the community channel!! and my name was on the radio for like my 10th bday (149) Had a nervous breakdown? probably like every day (151) Been criticized about your sexual performance? nope! (152) Bungee jumped? nope, but that would be fun.... maybe *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* CLOTHES and other fashion *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (154) Shoe brand? steve maden (155) Brand of clothing? abercrombie (156) Cologne/perfume? victoria secret (157) What are you normally wearing to school/work? clothes, depends on the day (158) How about parties? slutty shit, haha oh sara, nice call (159) Wear hats? yup (161) Wear make-up? yes (162) Favorite place to shop? abercrombie *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* BELIEFS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (166) Believe in life on other planets? sure... (167) Miracles? yes (168) Astrology? yep! (169) Magic? yes (170) God? yes (171) Satan? along the lines of (172) Santa? no (173) Ghosts? yes (174) Luck? yes (175) Love at first sight? yes (177) Witches? hmmmmm, witchcraft (179) Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? faithful to what exactly? (181) Do you wish on stars? yes! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* AMIGOS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (187) Do you have any gay/lesbian friends? yes (188) Who is/are your best friends? kate, chelsea, leah, larissa, anny, emir, fred (189) Who's the one person that knows most about you? all of them, i don't know anymore (190) What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you? to calm down and not take the whole world on at once (191) Your favorite inside joke? way too many(192) Thing you're picked on most about? being clumsy and a 'blonde' ohhh and having a big ass! Friends: (194) Newest? Yona, oh sad she's gone now, but ya Anthony too (195) Shyest? leah (196) Funniest? thats too hard, josh? Gilby, haha (197) Sweetest? Anthony, when he isn't pissy! (198) Closest? kate, leah (202) Friends you miss being close to the most?Andy and everyone else who has drifted away (203) Last person you talked to online? Anthony (204) Who do you talk to most online? Anthony?(206) Who do you trust most? I trust everyone, I just dont trust the devil inside them (207) Who listens to your problems? Anthony and anyone who cares (208) Who do you fight most with? Kate, but their love fights, haha (209) Who's the nicest? A lot of people (210) Who's the most outgoing? Anny, hahaha (211) Who's the best singer? leah (212) Who's on your shit-list? why would you ask this? why? (213) Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend? uhh....define friend (214) Who's your second family? ??? I don't know, depends (216) Who's the loudest friend? Pepsi, oh man pepsi (217) Do you trust others easily? sometimes (218) First person you fell in love with? adam wetzel or ryan egasdale, haha oh 5th grade(219) Name one person whose arms you feel safe in: emir.... and someone else we'll leave unmentioned, we'll call him billy-bob (221) Friend that lives farthest away: people in ohio and chicago *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* LOVE, and all that *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (223) Do you remember your first love? Sure, but I don't know if you'd consider it love (224) Still love him/her? nope (225) Do you consider love a mistake? why would it ever be a mistake? (226) What do you find romantic? too much, holding hands, cuddling, candlelight dinner, I'm a true romantic that loves everything from chick flicks (227) Turn-on? six-packs, yummmy (228) Turn-off?. being stupid (229) First kiss? Peck Chris Nordstrom, real... Sean Dominic (236) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? so I hear.... (237) What is best about the opposite sex?: them being guys, lol I don't know (238) What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? they're complicated, i dont care what you say, they are! They seem to have no emotions (258) Do you consider your significant other hot? If I had one hopefully I would! To be continued..... more like off to noodles and dont' have time to finish, but : TO BE CONTINUED |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,February,2004 | I'm eating an apple as I type. It's very good, very juicy and flavorful and yummy. Kind of hard to eat though 'cause whenever I open my jaw up far and bite down hard my jaw cracks and apples sometimes tend to cut my gums. Yum I could really go from some apple juice. Talked to Aaron today...... I think I'm going to throw up, the good way. I'm going to meet Aaron's parents tonight. I'm scared because I'm so not jewish and don't look anything like a jew. I think I'm going to throw up, the bad way. I have a math test tomorrow, bio quiz tomorrow, whole article to write and finalize tomorrow, and a chapter read and 61 terms to have memorized by tueday. I think I'm going to throw up, the bad way. I washed all my clothes that had been sitting on my floor for literally three weeks. Sad that I still have 3 more weeks or more of clean clothes. Having clean clothes makes me happy. I finished my apple, the steam broke in my hands. Now I want some grape juice. Until the next time, KT |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,February,2004 | Will Turner, your avrage hero. He'll worship you forever. Even if you turn into bones! urlLink What Character from Pirates of the Caribbean Serectly Fancy? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla OH man could it be any better? If you didn't know I'm obessed with Orlando Bloom, no I mean Will turner... right.... but ya I do have to say I may have cheated on a couple answers to get this result.... haha maybe I actually do have a little bit of pirate in me after all! |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,February,2004 | Honestly, things can be so randomly beautiful sometimes, I think that might be from that one movie Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, but it's true. Like I seriously don't know what to say, I didn't expect any of this to happen especially with Aaron. I'm not saying I would have never gone out with Aaron but I'm saying that he was just so random in my life and the whole situation is just so random, who would have even thought that we liked eachother? The fact is though that it did happen and now it's, hmmm it's well wow. Nothing really more to that. I so took a step into a relationship that I normally would have hestitated going into, I took a risk and I took a chance and it has led me to something that I have always wished for. I'm talking like it's been a year, but sadly it's only been a week, I'm not gonna lie though, it feels so much longer than a week, so much longer. I don't care about anything else anymore, I don't look forward to anything else but seeing him. Wow I'm falling, and I'm falling hard. I don't know whether it's good or bad, but whatever it is, I don't htink it's going to change anytime soon. 'Dreams not only come true, they extend your wildest expectations.' Love ya'll, Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,February,2004 | Ya, this is one of my 'Reach for the Stars' daily quotes. I like it, but I still don't feel too inspired, it doesn't make me jump, or even ponder so much, just makes me sit and stare. But to everyone else you should all be inspired to go out there hard core and get what you want. Hmmm I guess I'm just not too inspired just by how my day went. Wow do I hate school. I don't want to do anything anymore, I just kind of want to give up. Meh, we'll see what mood I'm in tomorrow. Of course I feel asleep in Echo again today. It was 7th hour though so ya my study hall but I think I was out for like 45 min. hmm didn't look at the clock when I layed down. Anyways people are evil, they wanted to draw on my face and apparently got really close to doing so. But ya so if they would have I would have been really mad and ya I yelled at them anyways even though they didn't do anything, but now I'm just realizing that I have done that to so many people, it actually is funny, but I guess not so much to that person.... hmmmm, again maybe if I was in a better mood. Depressing how I get like 12 emails a day and only one of them I read and it's my horoscope. The last time I got good email that I enjoyed from a friend that wasn't a forward was hmmm.... lets see..... ya don't remember. It was really cute, today Aaron was like so I've been so like happy and excited, but all with lack of sleep because of you. He's like I can't fall asleep fast anymore 'cause I'll be thinking of you, but still I'm always so happy. That was one of the only things that made me happy today. He did say that after he asked if he could hold my hand because I was wearing gloves though.... hmmm it's really cute if he hadn't mentioned the whole gloves thing... oh Aaron. I realized that I'm at my most solitude state and that I'm the happiest when I'm either in the dark room developing pictures, taking pictures, or when I'm with Aaron (when he's not making mean comments!) or thinking about him. I'm only pissed off and crabby right now 'cause of school and hw. It's weird how your moods and emotions can change so much based off of one place and person. It's also weird how your mood can change based off of how someone else is feeling, if that person isn't happy, you're not either. Interesting, but cute. Why is the world so great yet so evil at the same time? I have a headache and have to study for ap us of course..... still waiting for something surprising to really make me happy someday, of course. Friday tomorrow, yes. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,February,2004 | urlLink Which Spice Girl Are You? Hahaha this is so funny 'cause I actually was like obsessed with the Spice Girls when I was 15... oh crap I mean like 9....... haha but ya whenever I would play spice girls with my friends or sister or whenever I'd ask who I'm most like, it would always be Melanie C. Wow once again do these personality tests make me amazed and once again thank you Alison! These are fun! Oh man I have to noe I just have to honor the Spice Girls and bring back so good memories! I leave you with what was once one of my favorite songs..... Spice Girls - Stop lyrics You just walk in, I make you smile It's cool but you don't even know me You take an inch, I run a mile Can't win you're always right behind me And we know that you could go and find some other Take or leave it or just don't even bother Caught in a craze, it's just a faze Or will this be around forever Don't you know it's going too fast Racing so hard you know it won't last Don't you know, what can't you see Slow it down, read the sign, so you know just where you are going Stop Right Now Thank you very much I need somebody with the human touch Hey you always on the run Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do- always be together Ba da Ba Ba Ba da Ba Ba Ba da Ba Ba- stay that way forever And we know that you could go and find some other Take or leave it cos we've always got each other You know who you are and yes, you're gonna breakdown You've crossed the line so you're gonna have to turnaround Don't you know it's going too fast Racing so hard you know it won't last Don't you know what can't you see Slow it down, read the sign, so you know just where you are going Stop Right Now Thank you very much I need somebody with the human touch Hey you always on the run Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun Gotta keep it down honey, lay your back on the line Cos I don't care about the money, don't be wasting my time You need less speed, get off my case You gotta slow it down baby, just get out of my face Stop Right Now Thank you very much I need somebody with the human touch Hey you always on the run Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun Stop Right Now Thank you very much I need somebody with the human touch Hey you always on the run Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun Stop Right Now Thank you very much I need somebody with the human touch Hey you always on the run Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun Stop Right Now, we wanna thank you Stop Right Now, thank you very much |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 23,February,2004 | urlLink What Finding Nemo Character are You? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla Haha isn't this great? Man do I love personality tests and I love it even more when they're right..... and this one pretty much is! Ya'll should agree..... hmmm thanks Alison! |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 23,February,2004 | Ok I've never felt like so many people were talking about me in life. It's really funny how word spreads so fricken fast, seriously I told like two people and then ba-bam! Ya I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about..... I'm going out with Aaron..... Hi Aaron! Seeing that Lauren bluntly told me that I must write in my blog again and seeing that she said that she's mad at me for not informing my blogger audience about anything.... this blog is dedicated to her!! Haha oh Lauren. Hmmm ok I know you all have questions and because people are so nosey these days, once again thanks to Lauren, haha, I'm just going to tell you everything you wish to know. How did this all start? Ok so it started around valentines week and ya we just started talking more and then at the dance we danced and what not and then I came to a thinking? Hmmm maybe I do like this kid, haha, and I'm sure Janelle would want me to point out that she did help alittle with the hooking up, haha. And then Aaron and I came to talking and blah blah blah from there. Did you guys even talk outside of Echo and hang out? That would be yes. As I said earlier we started talking a lot more and yes lame we talked mostly online, but yes sometimes on the phone and then more in school. And ok we only really hung out outside of school once, besides seeing each other at the dance and what not. Last Saturday night we hung out. And yes ya'll must be thinking, wow why to jump into a relationship. But clearly we knew eachother before, it's not like we just met. And we'd been talking and knowing eachother and what not for awhile. We kind of went on a spure of the moment thing and just based everything on guts and instinct so we're just going by the flow. How did he ask you or when did he ask you or did you ask him? He asked me. About 1 in the morning Sunday night or technically Monday morning. Yeah we're retards. And ya we're even more losers because it was online!!! Ok actually that would make him more of a loser, haha, jk..... sorta..... haha. But know, he did admit that it was extremely lame and ya he couldn't use the phone 'cause well ya..... but ya again spure of the moment. But I do expect maybe a re-asking out in a not so lame way (hint hint if you are reading!). Haha, but ya that's how, sadly, but the truth. What about this whole jewish thing? Ok so we, and with the help of others, have made a list and I am pretty much qualified as a jew. But hmmm ya there's still some stuff needed to be figured out I think in this department. Hmm don't really feel like getting anymore deeper into my life. Maybe if you're special I'll tell you more, or you can just wait till my next blog and see what I have to say. So I was saying how I wish I could find a guy on valentines day in my last blog..... maybe I did find my prince charming after all :)! Muah! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 16,February,2004 | Yeah just because it's valentines day weekend and because Barry White is a pimp and because it's just a good song, I leave you with this: Barry White---Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe (spoken) I've heard people say that Too much of anything is not good for you, baby Oh no But I don't know about that There's many times that we've loved We've shared love and made love It doesn't seem to me like it's enough There's just not enough of it There's just not enough Oh oh, babe (sung) My darling, I can't get enough of your love babe Girl, I don't know, I don't know why Can't get enough of your love babe Oh, some things I can't get used to No matter how I try Just like the more you give, the more I want And baby, that's no lie Oh no, babe Tell me, what can I say? What am I gonna do? How should I feel when everything is you? What kind of love is this that you're givin' me? Is it in your kiss or just because you're sweet? Girl, all I know is every time you're here I feel the change Somethin' moves I scream your name Do whatcha got to do (?) Darling, I can't get enough of your love babe Girl, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I can't get enough of your love babe Oh no, babe Girl, if I could only make you see And make you understand Girl, your love for me is all I need And more than I can stand Oh well, babe How can I explain all the things I feel? You've given me so much Girl, you're so unreal Still I keep loving you More and more each time Girl, what am I gonna do Because you blow my mind I get the same old feelin' every time you're here I feel the change Somethin' moves I scream your name Do whatcha got to do (?) Darling, I can't get enough of your love babe Oh no, babe (spoken) Baby, let me take all of my life to find you But you can believe it's gonna take the rest of my life to keep you (sung) Oh no, babe My darling, I can't get enough of your love babe Yeah, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why Can't get enough of your love babe Oh my darling, I can't get enough of your love babe Oh babe I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I can't get enough of your love babe Oh babe |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,February,2004 | Only a hopeless romantic could take such a movie as Win a Date with Tad Hamilton into relieve and wish all that could happen to you. Yup, that's me, if you didn't know by now I'm a hopeless helpless romantic. I'm not saying I want to enter a contest to win a date with a hollywood star and then have them all in love with me, I'm just saying that I want to find someone. One scene in the movie was where this one girl was telling this guy who was in love with this other girl that everybody has their Tad Hamilton, everybody is a Tad Hamilton to somebody. They may not be a star in real life, but somebody is a star to someone else and somebody has that little spot for a star in their hearts. I just want to be that star and be that Tad Hamilton to somebody and I want somebody to be a Tad Hamilton to me, I want to find my Tad. It's pathetic though, Larissa and I were talking about how many guys I just pass by or go through, it's kind of depressing too that I haven't even gone out with any of them, there was only one guy that I felt something for out of all of them but still nothing happened. Let's see I think we counted 6 guys that I could have had a relationship with and that I didn't with any. Interesting, very interesting..... I wonder what that says about me. Well if you've read in my blog before, I've already pondered this and realized that maybe it's just because I'm waiting for that movie scene, that perfect person and person place, and that I'm not going to get it, but set on the idea that I will. I am getting better though, I'm starting to get little crushes again and am trying to work my way back into someones arms. I don't realize how much I like dancing until I actually dance. Dances are so fun, but ya if you don't take advantage of them it wont be fun at all, if you don't dance, there's no point, and if you don't dance with people, even less of a point. The point of a dance is to have fun with all your friends and to socialize, it gives you the opportunity to dance with maybe the one person, the only person you've ever wanted to dance with, and no one is going to care who you dance with either, it doesn't matter if you know every single person at the dance, not one person is going to judge you for dancing with someone, if they do, that's just not cool. But I love the fact that dancing takes your mind off of everything and you can make up your own world. Man bye to the closing of valentines day weekend, started it off with winning a hockey game and ended it with a chick flick, ya one more day before school, but doing hw all day doesn't really count. Oh and for those of you wondering, I sadly didn't find my prince charming, well maybe I did meet him last night, I just don't know it. Nothing special like my dreams or in fairy tales once again, but good never the less. muah *Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,February,2004 | Valentines day. Such a great yet depressing holiday. In the past my valentines day hasn't been the best, well it hasn't be bad, but it hasn't be good. Ya'll should know that I'm a dreamer and always wish to be that person who recieves a dozen roses from a guy, that would be the sweetest thing, but I haven't. One year I was sick on vday and others I just see all my friends getting all these gifts or valentines and then I don't. I have gotten more valentines this year though, thanks to Echo! haha, but hmmm nothing much different yet..... It is only like 1:30 in the afternoon right now on vday, so I do have the rest of the day.... we'll see. All I know is that I feel pretty good today and that my horoscope wasn't too bad either. It said: Romance is the least logical science, if you can even call it one. You'll end up with a person you really want, regardless of any self-delusion. Yesterday's bad luck leads you to today's gold mine. I don' think a horoscope can get much better than that, lets just hope that it actually holds true. It did get one part right already though... yesterday's bad luck, maybe it was just saying that because it was friday the 13th, but I really didn't have good luck yesterday either. Everything in school was hot and went pretty well, the only bad thing about yesterday during school was that I my stomach didn't feel very good, but it wasn't anything bad. I had my quarterfinal section game yesterday though and so many of my friends came and I was soooo excitied and I just wanted to play my ass off, and I did for the first period.... but then I got like sick, I don't know what's wrong with me, but ya I felt like I was going to just pass out like hard core, not the best feeling to have when you want to play 100% and when you want to help the team out as much as you can. So ya I guess you can say my bad luck yesteday was that because you dont' even know how bad I wanted to play and how shitty it felt when I couldn't. But anyways we won thankfully, first time in park girls history to get past the 2nd round. We now play Thursday at 8:15 at parade, everyone better be there. But ya all I know is that if that was our last game and if that was how I ended my last game I woudl have cryed so hard, we almost lost too, we were losing like the whole game and whenever we'd score to make it so that we were only down by one they'd score again, but some how we tied it up in the last like 5 min and went into overtime and won 6-5. All I was thinking the whole game when I like couldn't play was that we better fucking win, and we did, whoa. All I have to do now is make sure I can play next game and don't die and figure out why the fuck I'm tierd all the time! Anyways I'm excited for tonight, maybe I will get my prince charming. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,February,2004 | Yeah we won our round one game in hockey!! We won 12-3 against Red Wing.....where my dad lives so technically where I live sometimes.... haha yeah that was fun. We now play Friday at 5:30 at parade so everyone must be there 'cause we're gonna win!! BE THERE! But ya it was tight I scored and Angie got to 100 points just this season from my goal from an assit, that was so fricken tight! Bad thing was that I broke my 2 month old $145 stick in half..... I was so pissed off and am, but I'm getting a new one.... I hope! Anyways back off to studying ap us of course!! yeah for hw! (and for those who were too slow to understand..... I'm being sarcastic about the hw). : )~ OAKES #14 |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,February,2004 | Warning: Could include some graphic sences, but I will try not to make this too graphic. I've never so much in my life realized what a gift it is to own more than one kleenex box, for that matter I've never so much in my life realized what a gift it is to own one kleenex box. As I sit here typing on the computer I constantly reach over for the pink tissues of Kleenex brand. I've had a cold for about a week now, and this cold has all the horrors, I have a cough, but it gets worse when I laugh, I'm somewhat lightheaded, and of course my nose is incredibly irritated and stuffy and blah, I don't really want to go into detail. So every time I go to blow my nose I feel so relieved as if I just got some huge burden off my chest, yet, it comes back to torture me again in less then 5 minutes. However, once the feeling comes back again, I still have my trusty kleenexs by my side. I've realized how much pain you go through without the kleenexs by your side, both emotionally, mentally, and physically. I was sitting in Echo today thinking about how much I could really use a kleenex, but how there weren't any by me at this time. This mad me want to cry, I depended on them so much, I suffer if I don't have them with me, and they weren't in that class room at all. Sure I could go to the bathroom and use toliet paper or paper towels, but first of all that would include me leaving the couch and second, they just aren't fun to use. So instead I used the napkins that were already in the room. This sure doesn't do any better than the paper towel, but I needed one so bad, it was strating to drive me insane. So I blow my nose and does it hurt. After usuing napkins and paper towels, your nose gets ten times dryer then it was before and it also scratches your nose, not so fun. If I were to have used a kleenex however, it would have been nice an soft and I would have kept on coming back for more, I guess you could say they're addictive. The worst time to need a kleenex is during hockey, here you can let it flow.... through and out your nose and well just not caring.... except one hit and bam.... everything just flows out like an erupting volcano, not the prettiest thing to see. The alternative though is bringing a box of kleenex or something to the bench and when you get that 5 second break, undo your face max and blow the hell out of your nose, and then see there is no garbage by you on the ice, you have to either just leave it there for everyone or taking it at the end. Through my experiences I've learned to always carry tissues with you no matter if you have a cold or not or no matter where you are. They're very useful and efficient and I give props to whomever invented them. So if you don't have any soft kleenexs in your house, please go get some for your sake and everyone elses, it's not to pleasent to see you wiping your nose on your shirt, and if you are, I really hope it isn't someone elses. This issue has been brought to you by: ME! Yes me... Kati! |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,February,2004 | Writers block.... incredibly bad writers block.... I had a lot to talk about before but now it doesn't really seem to matter so much to me. I could complain about the snow some more and how people are shits when it comes to drive or walking... yes people walk in the streets where you can hit them.... and oh well will hit you, just wait.... but that's so hiatus and boring and well redundent. I could talk so more about my fantisies and hopes I have and things I want. Basically I can bitch some more like most people do in their blogs about shit that isn't even important. I'm tierd of complaining and bitching so now I'm going to try to make my blogs alittle more entertaining and alot less depressing. Hopefully I can stick to this.... we'll see. I like surprises that can happen throughout the day, no nothing exciting happened today, but there's that thought that something could and something will. I just love looking forward to something.... say the John Mayer concert.... yes John Mayer... whoa. I like thinking about what suddenly can pop up during the day that can make your day so much better. Exciting things are fun... maybe that's why I'm so amused by waking up to pranks even though I have to go clean it up. That's also why birthdays, and any holiday is so fun 'cause you don't know what is going to happen, you don't know what you're going to recieve or what sort of events are going to happen, man it's so exhilerating. Hint to all you reading.... do something exciting and different for me once in awhile, it will earn you props.... well unless you egg my house or do something that well just isn't too nice. Off to bed to another exciting night of dreams!! Whoa! KBO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,February,2004 | I'm sitting here at 11:45 pm on a Sunday, which is obviously a school night. I'm actually really tierd and should be in bed right now, but I feel like I've wasted my whole day on nothing and now I want to talk to people and do something. I woke up at 11:50 today and I actually had the worst nights sleep ever because of course I'm sick again. Not only that but I didn't change out of my pajamas once, and I fell asleep for the whole 2nd quarter of the Super Bowl game. And now I'm sitting here typing in this blog when I really could be getting some valuable sleep or reading some bio or doing some math. Life is messed, you don't realize you're wasting your time until that time or moment is over. Once I'm done with this blog I am going to realize how I wasted my time writing about wasting my fucking time. Wow. Honestly the only fucking reason I am writing right now is because I haven't written in it for awhile and because well I guess I don't want to go to bed.... interesting. It's really amazing how you want so much of just one persons opinion. Like I don't even talk to this person barely, I don't even care about him, but I saw him for the first time in like literally 3 years friday night. And ya he was my ex and the guy that I really actually liked for the first time. All I could think about was looking good and wanting to make a good impression, but why should I care? He's not in my life anymore, why should I worry and care so much about one 5 minute moment of my life when so many other things are going to over rule it, it doesn't make sense to me, but just the way he reacts or reacted I'll never forget. I hate but love liking people. I love the feeling I get when I see them or talk to them and I love the fact that there may be something I have to look forward to during my day. But I hate the feeling of not knowing, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to react, not knowing what they think. When I like people, usually it's someone I've liked for along time that I've been pretty good friends with..... but now it's different, I'm friends with this person, but not really, it's not like I can just call him up and be like you wanna do something without it being weird. It's really frusturating not knowing if anything will happen, or expecting nothing to happen, it's frusturating watching days pass me by when maybe something could have been done. I hate rejection, I think I have had or felt like I have had so much rejection in my life that I'm honestly afraid to actually go and pursue something with someone I like, I sit back and hope for something to happen, while I don't get up and actually do something about it. Oy I just don't know what to do with myself and while I'm hoping for soemthing to happen, I could go out with someone else..... but I'm not, and I feel like I'm leading him on, not good. Tips on what the fuck I should do would be great. I hate being sick!! I also hate the cold, it ruins everyones mood and brings out the bitchiness and complaints out of everyone. Having it be so fricken cold and then being stressed on top of it does not lead to a good combination.... it leads to a deathy cold which pisses you off even more. It's a great time for me to get sick too.... 3 games left for hockey and then sections and I'm trying to keep my position of first line.... if I can't breath it may be a little difficult to accomplish this. Wow life can kick you in the ass, but it's still worthwhile and hey I'm livin. Hey it's supposed to be 26 degrees tomorrow! Hopefully that'll cheer everyone up! Funny how we Minnesotans are excited about that though, haha it really is. Until the next time-----> Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,March,2004 | I have another love in my life..... John Mayer! Oh man so good and so cute! Like I said yummy! Ya I went to his concert last night and damn! Hehe oh man, that's all I can say. But ya Guster was really good too! I like them a lot! Now I want the Guster CD and ya'll should want it to! Ok I'm done promoting them, but ya seriously. Have you ever just sat there and actually listened lyrics of songs? Honestly, some songs make your heart melt, not because of how it comes out and sounds musically, but by the lyrics. I love song lyrics because if you've wanted to say something to someone and didn't know how, it's bound to be in a song. One word for a song, one line from a song, can explain everything you're feeling, it's awesome. 'Damn baby You frustrate me I know you're mine all mine all mine But you look so good it hurts sometimes' Now, if I were to make someone mad, this is how I'd want it to be. You look so good it hurts sometimes? Wow, do I really need to elaborate? Oh John :) Kisses to all : )~Oati Kakes |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,March,2004 | It's seriously amazing how one person can make you feel. It's amazing how one moment can be with that one person. It's amazing how nothing else seems to matter but this person. It's amazing how you don't even need to do anything, you can just sit there in silence with this one person, and still have fun and be happy. it's amazing how you miss this person only after 10 minutes of being seperated. And most of all, it's amazing how every time you see them for the first time that day, and every kiss with them, seems like a first. Love and life itself is amazing. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 20,March,2004 | So I'm sitting watching MTV and bam, it hits me, what has our society come down to when people start watching reality tv about 19 year olds in a competition trying to get married at spring break? Seriously how can people want to do that and how do people get amusement out of that? On that note how and why the hell did MTV create a show called Pimp My Ride? Honestly, I lost so much in MTV and got so disappointed when I heard about it. Really what more do I have to say about it? There is Under Armor women's underwear, that is the coolest thing ever. There are thongs and ya regular underwear. I actually think that's kind of weird and gross, I'm not going to go out and buy them, but hell it's funny how they've gone from shirts to well underwear, it's amussing. If I'm blogging and blogger...... why can't a blogger blog me? Hmmmmm...... And now I'm late going over to Aaron's! Oppsy, again this has been an episode of what society has come down to: being late to certain events in order to type in your blog, I love it. : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,March,2004 | I don't know what to say about anything. I don't know what to think about anything. I don't know what to feel about anything. I'm stuck, I'm stuck in a world full of different emotions pulling me in different directions. I'm lost. I feel so happy and feel so strongly about something, but I don't want to say it, I can't say it, it wont come out. I feel so content in my life right now, but I'm still confused and frusturated about everything. I know things can work themselves out, but how do they when so many things are going on? I have butterflies in my stomach about everything that is happening now, but then the butterflies turn to mush when I think about everything that is going to happen with me in like 2 months. I feel like I have time for everything, or at least for him, but I don't, I don't have time for anything, I don't have time for my own life. I have time for lacrosse, soccer, and school, but I don't. How can you put so much into your schedule and still expect everything to come out right? I'm so sure about how I feel and I'm so happy and not afraid for the future to come, but at the same time I'm terrified. I'm shaking, I'm worried, I'm scared for school, lacrosse, soccer, my guy, my life. I want everything to happen, but still how is it all possibly going to happen? How can two sides of a situation collide to make just one thing? How can two emotions compile together to make one feeling? How can two people come together and never want to seperate? Life mixes everything together and makes it a whole. I'm so confused, I'm so lost, I'm so happy, I'm so everything. I'm speechless. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 12,March,2004 | IB is a bunch of crap and a waste of time. I'm not even going for the diploma and I'm saying this, but it's true. I'm trying to get the IB certificate in IB Bio. so hopefully I'll do good on the test, but anyways ya we had our group 4 projects due today. I worked on it basically non-stop except when I was gone for an hour at a lacrosse meeting, until 1:30!!! It's insane and so like whoa! Anyways I actually put a lot of work into my poster and everything else and after today and the 'presentations' I've never felt so much like I wasted my time! Seriously I got soooooooo stressed out because of it and because of all this figuring shit out with my partner, which ended up giving me no partner at all, and then today it felt like a joke. Also, Ms. Divinski didn't tell us any specifics on what she wanted so I did extra by making a lab report, and ya she didn't tell us that we only needed the poster until today. Feeling like I wasted my time and go so freaked out about something and have it barely matter in the end, really really pisses me off. I don't waste my time, especially when it comes to homework. Oh and for those who don't get the title, my project delt with comparing the growth of bacteria on cheese and yogurt. Lacrosse has started, well at least captains, that makes me really happy. I was only able to go to 2 practices this week though and I was late to both of them..... funny though 'cause I didn't go all because of group 4!! Oh how I love it..... not! Anyways this is my favorite time of year, sure I may be a little more stressed out 'cause of all the AP tests and IB tests and because I'm realizing how badly I need to get my grades up, but then when I'm at lacrosse everything just kind of goes away, well for the most part it does, I just can't get pissed off about anything. But ya lacrosse is my favorite sport ever and I love playing and I loving wanting to excel and get better, in all the other sports I play I don't care too much if I get better, but this sport I do, I want to work to my fullest potential...... I just need to make sure I get enough sleep so I don't pass out and die when I play. Not only that but spring starts and it gets warm and oh man how I love the warm weather, I love the smell and I love the feeling, and I love the sun, it doesn't get any better. It's funny 'cause Lauren and I were talking about how when you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, which ever way you flow, haha whenever you write in your blogs they're usually a lot more giddy and happier, which I think for the most part is true. It's either that or you don't have anything to write about because you have nothing to complain about or becuase you just don't care about anything else. Sorry if I've gotten boring in my blogs, I'm trying to do good and enterain all 2 of you, I really am. Note: Qudaba is much better than Chipotle..... thanks for introducing that to me Alison! Next time though..... I don't think I should be the one driving.... haha, it's just a good thing Aly is alive. Oh man I'll be so happy in 2 weeks, spring break, that's all I am thinking about to make me last until then, only 2 more weeks. Man I've got John Mayer and I might be going to New York City, where I've never been, for a couple of days, so excited. Man I am so tierd and have so much hatred for school, but besides that I love so many things right now, I love it. : ) Now as long as I stick to that and don't think about school....... oh wait school is on my mind probably 55% of the time, Aaron and the lacrosse is the other 45%. Hmmm is this good or bad? Probably bad, this is what school has done to me, wow. Anyone have any ideas where to take some good photos? Ok, kisses to all! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 06,March,2004 | I've been watching the show Room Raiders on MTV lately, well ok since like September, but ya I really like the show, not because it's a dating show and what not, but because it shows people's rooms and how they express themselves. I also think it's pretty cool that there are people picking their dates based off of the personalities of the room, ok most of them do, some of them just go on the amount of porn or thongs they have. But anyways, it really is pretty interesting to see a persons personality through their room. First of all if someone is like omg I'm so not like that anymore and I don't even like thos band memebers anymore..... that still shows something about your personality. Sure you may not have those same interests anymore and the people may not know that, but if that's the case it does show that you don't really like change or that you're too lazy to change anything. It shows that you're still living in the past or never home to really care. No matter how creative your room is or how messy it is, it shows your personality some way. It'll show if you're unkempt, it'll show if you're creative, and it'll show your way of life. My room for example is dark blue with white sheets and what not throughout the room, I have a lot of pictures and have set my room up so things match and fit well. My room will show that I like memories and I like expressing my creative ability through my room and ya if someone goes through my draws they'll get my sense of style. That and I am kind of messy. I just really think it's funny and really interesting actually how much you can actually express yourself through your room. Your room is your own, it's the place that brings the best of you because it's all yours. I see it as a place that should really best represent yourself then anything else, it's your home. Thus Room Raiders to me is quit appealing. If I were to get set up on a date, that's how I would want to. Who ever came up with the idea, nice, very nice. Phobias are really interesting, really weird too. I don't even know how people pick them up, sure someone may have had a terrifying experience, which would make sense as to why they're a freakishly afraid of something, but other things people don't really have a reason, they're just there. Me for example, I'm terrified of bugs and spiders, like seriously I'll freak out and cry if one is on me or anything. Just like 10 min I was sitting on my couch and I felt something on me and I look and there is a spider crawling on me. I throw my book out of my hands and jump up and down and then run away freaking out, good thing it came off of me that sec 'cause if it hadn't I would have started crying not joking. Say I'm being held done and someone is putting some bug on me, I'll cry then too and have a panic attack. Seriously why am I afraid? I haven't had a deathy experience with bugs and they can't exactly harm me, well at least most bugs in Minnesota. I just have grown up with a this thought of bugs that someone they will harm me, I don't know. Again phobias really just don't make sense. Then again nothing really makes sense in this world. Love Actually is a very high quality movie, I've seen it twice in theater and I recommend it to everyone, especially for those who have an open heart. One concept from that movie that I really liked though, was the airport one. Actually, it was kind of false too. The movie showed and talked about how much joy is brought about from an airport and the arrivals of people. So much love is expressed and there's no where else where such love is felt. It's incredibly true, airports do bring joy, doesn't matter if you're visiting someone or anything, but the joy of just being at a certain place brings more love to just that individual too. However, the other side to this concept is missed. Airports also represent broken hearts, and sadness, the feeling of unable to forget and the feeling of the joy that was just experienced slipping through your hands. So many people cry in airports, yes many do cry of joy, but many do cry of the depature. I'm guilty of this too, I have cryed a lot in airports because I didn't want to leave. I've gone some place for like a week and have had so much fun that I didn't want to go back to my life at home and go back to reality. It's so hard to say goodbye, but at airports you have too, airports give you that moment you cherish and that one moment you always set aside and try to forget. Although you may be crying of sadness due to the love you had, it's still a broken heart. Airports will either mend your broken heart, or leave it so vulnerable to be broken again. For the first time like ever I was able to walk out of a sappy movie all about love, and say I can't be sad I do have a boyfriend, I do have that love..... that was weird, but it still felt incredibly good, I can't complain anymore. Never go to a library on a saturday afternoon, surprisingly a lot of people go there. 'Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to do whatever it takes to make them come true.' : )~Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 05,March,2004 | Oh man, for all of those that know me..... I'm obsessed with Josh Hartnett...... this couldn't be any better....... You are going to Marry Josh Hartnett. He is really shy, but don't let that fool you. He is really outgoing and sweet with those he loves and will be loyal to them for the rest of his life. Congrats!! urlLink Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (now 12 (i just added more, and still more to come!)results that have pics!) brought to you by urlLink Quizilla Yes I'm soooo going to marry Josh Hartnett some day, just wait and watch 'cause ya I'll meet him and then he'll fall in love, and this will all come true.... haha ok, now I'm freaking you all out. Ok I know I know, I'm not forgetting about Aaron, hehe oh Aaron. So I love Snow Days! Best day ever, we haven't had one of these for like 500 years and it's funny 'cause we were supposed to have school despite the snow, but the power went out! I love that even more. I built a snowman today and had a snow ball fight, that was tight and fun. Neighbors gave us funny looks though 'cause we're high schoolers building snowman... hell who cares, it was fun! Then I had hot chocolate and fell asleep watching a movie by the fire...... oh man I love winter in March..... except tomorrow I will hate it.... I will only love it when we don't have school. Happy Snow Day! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 04,March,2004 | You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss that never lessens and always blows your partner away like the first time. urlLink What kind of kiss are you? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla Need I say more? |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,March,2004 | You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're really cheesy! Have fun with the entire football team. urlLink If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,March,2004 | You are GUTS. You love to be 'xtreme' and you love peril. You probably enjoy a good sip of Gatorade now and then, too. urlLink Which old school Nickelodeon show are you? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla Now I was kind of disappointed about this quiz, sorry Alison. Sure it may be true about me being like active and what not, or whatever it said..... but still how can you be a show? Technically you can't, plus even if you didn't pay attention to the technicalities or even if there weren't any, why would you want to be a whole show? One show doesn't show a personality of someone, it shows multiple personalities of everyone on the show and typically they'll have two people that are exact opposites, hmmm it just doesn't work for me. It's funny because I thought B96 was a pretty 'ghetto' radio station, that was true until I found 89.9, all it plays is rap for the most part, it's kind of enriching to hear all these rap songs that aren't over played and that you've never heard of. My suggestion is for those of you like me who like rap, but not repeatedly to go listen to this station sometimes, because well, it gives you a different beat. I wish my name was Shanquia, haha oh man this song is funny. It made me happy, I got a new discman........ Wait it just said it, it's the the soul of the twin cities, or something and now I forgot, me bad. Anywho I'm happy because I got a new discman today from mi padre, I needed one badly and this one is really nice and pretty, nice and red with cool headphones. For those of you wondering and didn't notice, I did have a much better day than yesterday, ya nothing exciting but nothing extremely bad happened like yesterday, plus I'm not thinking about anything 'cause it pisses me off! Oh and for those retards that like gossip and for some reason decided to start a rumor that Aaron and I broke up.... so not true. Sorry week long relationships aren't for me, maybe in Jr. High, but no. Aaron is still mine and I'm sill his, so ya sorry to ruin your gossip and rumor, find something new. That's all for now. Back to homework..... no I mean busy work...... KTO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,March,2004 | I'm sitting in 7th hour right now, well ok no my study hall 7th hour where I don't even need to be at school for.... but I stay anyways so I don't go home and sit on my ass by myself, instead I sit on my ass with other people talking to Alison about boobs and listening to Nick complain about it. Lauren right now is yelling at me for singing Spice Girls and now she's punching me trying to spin around on the chair!!! Ok ya Anny wanted me to talk about her, lets see..... so Anny is a cool girl, wait did I say cool? Hmmmmm I might want to take that back! Ya it's funny because I have a picture of Anny touching her ass, nice, very nice. Yeah for the worst day of my life yesterday and then giong to McDonalds! So I'm trying to think my bad habits for Alison. YEah for talking about underwear. Bell rang time to go home or to lacrosse if I feel like watching Super Troopers! YEah for wasting another hour of my life and failing my classes once again. Best blog ever! Bye! Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 30,April,2004 | HOW DO YOU KISS? by urlLink 3circledsun Username Your Kiss... Slides across ... a touch of holiness ... and lands about ... tender lips. Created with the ORIGINAL urlLink MemeGen ! Theme songs of your life by eponine your name? love song: i wanna hold your hand - the beatles depressing song: everybody hurts - R.E.M. party song: space cowboy - nsync what-the-hell-ever song: california - phantom planet your life fire and rain - james taylor Created with the ORIGINAL urlLink MemeGen ! At your ten year high school reunion... by urlLink robbiewriter Your school name Your name Your job will be Doctor You will be worth $640,338 Everyone will think you are really hot Created with the ORIGINAL urlLink MemeGen ! are you sexy? by urlLink jeska your name do YOU think you are? male/female? on a scale from 1-10 you are a 10 other people say you are perfect the way you are your sex appeal will last til May 13, 2062 Created with the ORIGINAL urlLink MemeGen ! Wow. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,April,2004 | It's almost like getting crushed by a semi, but not die. You just lay there in pain, struggling, but you can't do anything about it. It all depends on someone else to help you get through it, to live. I seriously don't know how else to explain how I've been feeling lately. The only thing I can help myself with is doing somewhat well on tests aka studying and trying to be happy and having a positive outlook. Everything else though is out of my hands, out of my control. I feel like almost every hard situation I'm in right now all depends on someone else. Whether it's a ref during a game, a writer for my page, or just an indecisive friend. With that I can hardly help the situations, I can't make them better at all, sure for some things I can try, but others I can only make them worse. It doesn't help that I'm controlling and have no paticence for things to just work out. I feel like I need to change myself now, honeslty. I feel like it's come down to the point where I just need to change. But the funny part is I can't, it's how I am and I've been like this my whole life. I have been emotional with every aspect in my life, no matter the situation, and more than ever, that's starting to get me in trouble. I don't like being so emotional, it just ruins things and my attitude, but people need to realize that I can't just change on the spot. And it frusturates me even more to know that I can barely help myself right now. I feel completely helpless because I can't do anything. I can't express myself with anything I do because it always comes out the wrong way or it comes out too aggressive. I can't get what I want, at all. What hurts me the most is that I can't play my game, I can't play my game of lacrosse without feeling critized and I can't even play my game of life without getting hurt. I don't know what I need, maybe I just need to stop. But it's so hard to just sit and watch while the world passes me by. I'm in a constant position while everyone else seems to progress. I need people to help me in the situations I can't help and I need people to help me control my emotions. Mostly though, I need to feel like I have control of at least one aspect of my life right now because nothing seems to fit, nothing is in my hands. I know things work out all on their own and you have to just wait for it, but it's been too long, I just wish things would work out for themselves right now. I'm completely helpless and that's all I can say. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,April,2004 | As I was sitting here ealier, of course pondering whether or not I should start my hw at 8:00 at night, I like something was on my forehead. I do one scratch, one wipe, one hit, nothing. Two seconds later, I feel it again. Now is the time I started getting freaked out an paranoid and heck, I didn't even know if something was there. However, this time when I took my hit to the head, something flew off onto my keyboard. When I first noticed that something was actually there, I shrugged in disgust, but then when I look down to find something of a spider, my eyes widened and I froze, giving it a blank stare, as in what should I do now. With a closer look though, I notice it was more than just a spider, it was a tick! This is when I jumped back and called for my mom to take it away. There was a tick crawling, not only somewhere on me, but on my head, in my hair!! Who knows how long that was there for, but in uter rage and fright, I just wanted to cry, which I almost did. I can't stand bugs, especially not the mere thought of one actually being on me, and especially with a bug that can dig into your skin and basically create a home there. I then felt even more dirty than I had felt before, just getting home from a lacrosse game, and felt distinguishably out of place feeling as if a colony of bugs were on me or swarming towards me. I jumped in the shower to feel it all just wash away down the drain. No more filth, no more bugs, no more fright. I felt warm, clean, and clam after a nuroishing shower that no only wiped away my paraniod thoughts, but also my stress and anger of the day. I felt renewed and fresh, and to only think a bug had truely gotten me there. I get dressed, sit back down, and then realize the studying and hw I still need to do and the lack of motivation I have for it. All my thoughts that had left in the shower, now come rushing back to haunt me and torture me. One more day of the week, that's it, but one more night and day before than. I am now back to where I started. Time just goes round and round. Meh. Happy day to you. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 28,April,2004 | Waiting for the week to end, one more day to heaven. But not really..... waiting for next week to end, that friday will be the best day of my life.... no more ap us freaking out studying crap. But really I'm only waiting for one day right now, one day, one moment. Oy, I don't think my brain is functioning too well right now, I'm too tierd to say anything and if I do, it probably wont be good. Meh. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 28,April,2004 | I think I have a love/hate relationship with the world right now, I seirously do. I love everything and I hate everything all at the same time. It's annoying, I wish I was just in a love relationship with everyone, everything, and the world. I hate hw. With that I hate ap us, I hate spanish, I hate school, and I hate grades. I hate tests. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I hate losing. In sports, in relationships, in life. I hate being tierd. I love the sun. I love ice cream and popsicles when it's warm up. I love people. But I also hate people. I love feeling special. I love the feeling when you know people care and when people are just there for you. I hate the feeling when it feels like no one is there for you at all, at least the people that really matter. I hate things being blown out of proportion. I hate fighting. I love make-ups and the sense of assurity after fights. I love sports. I hate how sports can kill you. I hate cancellations. I love plans. I love, love. I hate, hate. All I need is love and I hate it when I don't feel like I have any... but ya of course I love it when I do. I don't know, I just don't want to feel the hate anymore and I want to stop being moody and stressed and tierd and blah. I hate blahs. I hate feeling blahs more at that. That's why I love people who can get me out of my blahs. Oy, this is going no where else. KTO |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,April,2004 | Seriously hating the world right now, me along with other people, so I'm not only the depressive person. I don't care though, I just want to be happy but even the things that make me happy, like lacrosse, are starting to piss me off. I just want to crawl up in a ball right now and hide away for the rest of the year. I just have to think about how things will get much better after this week and the next. But even so, after that then I realized how shit my grades out and still will freak for the rest of the year, joy. All I know is that I don't have time for anything, and ya I just want to stop doing everything. All I want is for something to happen and someone to do something maybe a little out of their way to make me happy, even if they dont' have to go out of their way, just to care and try to make me happy is all I'm asking. I don't care about how much I bitch about stuff when other people have the same amount of work if not more than me, but this is how I handle things and this is how I am. I'm not the smartest, I can't take tests, and that's just how I am so then I freak out even more about school. People just need to understand that and just realize that even if whatever I'm doing may not be that tough to them or seem that significant and complainable to them, it is to me. It really is. I know I'll be fine after this year and after this week and the next, but it doesn't hurt to try to help at the moment and the time even if in the long run it'll get better no matter what. Just that one happy moment can change your attitude about everything and help a lot more. Urgh, I'm done, I'm just sick of this shit, I really am. But really after all this, I sitll don't feel like I'll be heard, it wont matter. oadhfkjawer |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,April,2004 | Pasta Party today, oh man that was good. But it's funny because I really should be so fat right now it's ridiculous, after realizing how much I ate and how much I eat in general, I just don't understand. I had 3 full plates of food at the pasta party. Each totally filled. I finished them all. PLATE ONE: THE SALAD/BREAD PLATE This plate was traditional and good, but ya I ate all of my salad, all of my fruit, and 3 slices of garlic bread!! Nummy! But hey notice that I did have a salad and fruit, I am staying healthy. PLATE TWO: THE PASTA PLATE Of course, the whole thing was filled up with pasta. One huge section was of the pesto pasta and the other two both had cheese ravioli. The only bit I did finish on this plate was like 5 ravilois, but trust me when I say I had already eaten like 30. PLATE THREE: THE DESSERT PLATE Oh man, dessert. Ok so I didn't fill this plate up completely, but well enough. I had 2 little chocolate rice krispie bars, 2 other kind of rice krispie bars, and a chocolate covered peanut butter bar thing. You still have to admit that was a lot. To think I ate all this in just like 15-30 min. Man. Ya I'm proud to say that I ate 3 times as much as most people on the team. Funny to because at every pasta party Stick and Kathryn always go back to how I had eaten 8 pieces of lasaguna at a pasta party before and how I had eaten a whole cheese bread pizza from Papa John's. Honestly, please tell me why I'm not that fat. Maybe it's because I play sports year round...... haha wow can't wait when that stops. Whoa. I love how I just spent all this time talking about food and pasta parties while I'm so screwed in my life when it comes to school and hw and when I have an ap us oral tomorrow and a ap us terms quiz thursday with 2 chapters. Not to mention that the ap test is may 7. Wow. Until the next time will your food be delicious and filling. Oati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,April,2004 | Oh man this is why bio is so fun! Ok well at least this is why this chapter is so fun! Warning this is kind of graphic, but then again it is coming straight from my bio book: Humans and several other primates are unusual in having no distinct mating periods; females are potentially receptive to males throughout the year. In humans, the sexual behavior called 'making love' may have evolved as a way to strengthen the bond between mates, as well as to promote the union of egg and sperm. Our sexuality is emotional as well as physical, and we have highly varied sexual expression. The physical events of the human sexual respone occue in a sequence of four phases. During the excitement phase, sexual passion builds, the penis and clitoris became erect, and the testes, labia, and nipples may swell. The vagina secretes lubricating fluid, and muscles tighten in the arms and legs. These responses continue during the plateau phase, which is marked by increases in breathing and heart rates. Orgasm follows, characterized by rhythmic contractions of the reporductive structures, extreme pleasure for both partners, and ejaculation by the male. The resolution phase reverses the previous responses; the structrues return to normal size, muscles relax, and passion subsides. Hahaha, I love it, I really do. It's funny because I bet so many people have gone out and had sex after reading that, haha school makes sex sound exciting and 'enjoyable.' Haha, not too often school makes you horny, lol. Ok me done. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,April,2004 | I got this poem from Rubin's blog, of course he wrote it and is a pimp. Funny becaues I can totally relate. Tears dripping out of my eyes Asking, questioning: 'Why did you lie? You missed your chance – that dream come true Now you’re left without her, all alone – just you. Maybe it’s cause you thought too much, You questioned the truth, Said it wasn’t enough. But what can be more honest that truth? A truth that rests so deep. In your heart. In you. You must have been scared. Of what, may we ask? Were you afraid of it all? Did it seem too fast? If you ask us that’s garbage A bullshit excuse. A way to get out of what would have happened to you. At first that seems fine, Since it would have ruined your life, But at second glace we see it won’t detract from the strife. With or without that kiss that night, She will always be that every-glowing light. That light that outshines everyone else in the world With or without it, she’ll always be the only girl.' The tears dry up, evaporate Leave me alone, to contemplate The things they said and showed to me All of it being true, that I now see. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,April,2004 | Why am I so bitter? Seriously I feel bitter and mean about everything, about lacrosse, about people, about everything. For example I now have 12 goals in lacrosse..... from last thursday I had 10. The NSLA website, the high school lacrosse league website, has we with 2 goals, 2. But I'm pretty sure everyone else on my team, their goals have been updated. See this right here shouldn't really bug me that much, it really shouldn't, but it does, it really does. Urgh so annoying, as in me being annoyed with myself mostly. I guess I just want to be recognized for something that I do and just really want to do good at something which I haven't my whole life. That and I am extremely stressed, I have so much to do I'm going to cry. Oy, just help me through this. On the lighter note, I'm extremely excited for prom. Even more so now that I got my dress today!! So excited I'd get into detial about it, but ya, ya'll will just have to see for yourself. All I'm going to say is that it's vintage and I get to wear pink shoes!! PINK SHOES!! haha seriously, this is the only thing I'm looking forward to and it's the one thing that'll probably make my month, that and winnning state! But ya, I know I'm going to keep repeating myself, but I'm seriously so excited!!! : ) I just set up a new Gmail account, yes Gmail, it's google based email, ya I don't need a new email account, but hell it's Gmail. That and it can be like my secert email place.... anyways this is exciting. Email me at [email protected]. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 19,April,2004 | [Intro] I don't understand why See it's burning me to hold onto this I know this is something I gotta do But that don't mean I want to What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just I feel like this is coming to an end And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you I gotta let it burn [Verse 1] It's gonna burn for me to say this But it's comin from my heart It's been a long time coming But we done been fell apart Really wanna work this out But I don't think you're gonna change I do but you don't Think it's best we go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay in this relationship When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with I think that you should let it burn [Chorus] When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might ruin you Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over We know that it's through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn [Verse 2] Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to Got somebody here but I want you Cause the feelin ain't the same by myself Callin' her your name Ladies tell me do you understand? Now all my fellas do you feel my pain? It's the way I feel I know I made a mistake Now it's too late I know she ain't comin back What I gotta do now To get my shorty back Ooo ooo ooo ooooh Man I don't know what I'm gonna do Without my booo You've been gone for too long It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn) [Chorus] When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might ruin you Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn) Let it burn (gotta let it burn) Gotta let it burn Deep down you know its best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over We know that it's through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn [Bridge] I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh) I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah) [Breakdown] Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?) Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh So many days, so many hours I'm still burnin' till you return [Chorus] When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might ruin you Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over We know that it's through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn Although it may not be fully my perspective, I still gotta let it burn, I gotta let it go. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,April,2004 | I can't even feel anything, like literally, I can't. I'm numb. And I don't even know where to begin to help myself get out of this. Surely this dumbass blog wont. Like I said.... no point. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,April,2004 | I hate how I act sometimes. No I just hate how I act when I'm really stressed, I yell at everyone and snap at the little chance I get and cry when something not even important hits me. When I'm playing a sport I'll lose focus and get pissed off at the refs a lot easier, when I'm talking to people I really care about, I snap at them and get them pissed off, it's not what I want at all and I almost can't control it. I can only think of a dream bf, the one I dream about every night......I can see him so clearly its as if he is next to me rubbing my neck with his hand bc I had a ruff day....Everyday these days are ruff ones.... theres so much and so little time...I dont know where to begin, how to start and have no clue where its going to end...I am a little scared, all my regrets and hopes and miss chances are all begining to surves.....feelings I never wanted to have came... it's funny too because this dream, this bf in my dreams, is actually real and has actually been there, but the continuous thought of how I was happy is now becoming a dream. It's slowly and hurtfully sliping through my hands and I don't know how to stop it..... I don't know how to stop myself, from this, from everything. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,April,2004 | I'm so tierd, exhausted, and frusturated. About everything. About school, about sports, about relationships, about my life at this moment. I just want things to slow down so I'm able to get through it one step at a time, so I'm able to think about one thing at a time, and so I'm able to realize what has happened and what will happen. I'm tierd physically. I woke up at 9 today for lacrosse which went to 11 and then I went straight to soccer practice which ended at 12:30. Wed. I'll be going to the weight room in the morning, have lax practice after school, and then have soccer practice at 6. It's insane and I still have homework on top of that, I don't think I like that so much. Good thing I can just put soccer on hold for right now, it'll help. I'm tierd with my emotions too. I'm sick of acting like a bitch and acting sad and gloomy. I have been much much better though, but then again I'll get moody and it goes to hell from there. But I'm sick of waking up mad in the morning when I really don't have to. It's funny because this morning the thought that has been popping into my head for like the last week but the person for the last month didn't when I first woke up today. But then I thought about that and it did and it's weird but he's also been in my dreams some how, if not physically, he is. His screen name weird enough was in my dream last night. But anyways, I'm just tierd about how things have been going and honestly I just want to sleep through it. Ok clearly I'm exhausted, I suppose that's the same as tierd almost. I'm also exhausted of trying to understand, it hurts my head now and I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted of trying to get my point across because I sometimes don't think there is even a point in doing that. I'm frusturated about how things are at this moment. I'm frusturated at myself for diong so much at once sometimes, it's fun, don't get me wrong, but it scares me and frustruates me that I then complain, but I don't mean to. I'm scared for my grades and my health, but whatever, I'm not going to end something and put something on hold. I've done this plenty before and it's all worked out, it's even worked out better then I have thought before. Sometimes when you're scared and actually still continue and pursue something, you no longer become afraid and then strive for more once you know your abilities. And this applys to everything, once you pursue something when you're scared everything becomes possible. I'm frusturated that I don't understand, and I'm frusturated that he's frusturated that I may not even care about his reasons and his side, but I do, it just shouldn't be that way and it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm frusturated about being frusturated, funny how that works. Urgh everyone is now talking about prom. It's in a month, wow. That makes me sad because I want to go, but right now I'd only want to go with one person, friends or more, that one person woudl make my night. But I don't know. 2 weeks ago I pictured the funnest most exciting night, but now I'm almost dredding it. Prom is supposed to be special, but honestly it wont feel to special if I'm not with him. I'm hate this. I'm done. Oati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 07,April,2004 | OY and BLAH, no better way to explain how I'm feeling. Seriously everything just decided to hit me at once, lots of fun. Urgh I'm getting better, but I'm so moody it's ridiculous. I'll be really REALLY pissed off one second and then the other I'm like meh and then I'm sad and then I'm happy and it's crazy, I don't even know how to feel anymore, I really don't. I just want to be back to normal, but what I want normal to be..... that's a little different. I guess you can't always get what you want, but still, makes no sense when the other person wants, ok maybe not wants is the best word, but feels, the same way too. Urgh I just want to get over everything and not be hurt anymore, it's just incredibly hard..... Ok I'm going to try to stop my sulking and bitching in these blogs and try not to talk about that anymore..... it's just that it's the only thing I've been thinking about for the most part.... wow. Lacrosse game tomorrow at 4:30 at the football stadium. First game of the season! BE THERE! Oh ya and it's free to get in so you don't have to worry about that! Hmmm ya, we play Roosiville and the more fans the more likely we are to win..... right. BUt no really supposed to be a really good game! Go damnit! I've got nothing else. kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 06,April,2004 | I'm sorry, but I'm not. I say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I can't say I'm sorry for how I feel, I can't say I'm sorry for what happened. All I'm sorry for is how I do feel and how this has happened, I'm sorry for loving you and I'm sorry that you see this love can't continue, even though it can. I'm sorry for broken hearts I'm sorry for tears I'm sorry for stubborness But most of all I'm sorry for how I miss you, us, and the way WE feel. I'm sorry for the missed out opportunities and the experiences. And I'm sorry that be both have to love. I'm sorry that you feel love because then you feel it has to end. I'm sorry we have the same feelings for each other, but have different ideas on how it should be expressd. I'm sorry for the furture. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 04,April,2004 | What's the point of life? To love right? But then what's the point of love, the point within love? I see no point anymore if the opportunity is right there and you can't even take it.... and if you do take it and if it just slips out of your hands, once again no point. I'm lost. I'm lost within my emotions, I'm lost within others emotions, and I'm stuck in this meandering place and I can't get out. For that matter I can't do anything, I can't speak, I can't think, I can't be heard, I can't feel..... hmmm but I can cry..... and try. But what's the point of trying when either way it wont end up how you want it to? I'm so lost and I need to find my way out. If only he could find his way out..... maybe I could do the same. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,May,2004 | I just read through like a lot of my blogs, starting from the very beginning. I don't know, I feel like I've changed a lot from last August, but I don't know if I really have. Yes I think I've matured, but I'm still lost and confused like I was then, if not more. I still don't know what I want from myself or from otherwise, I'm still stuck. It's weird how much you can change though in a year but then still fill like you ended where you started. With certain situations, that's how I feel. Sure there was a break through for a couple months or whatever, but then I got shot down again. I don't know how to make sense of anything or my life right now, I don't know. I feel like I contradict everythign I say too. I don't know maybe you should figure out if I have really changed, read through my blogs and you'll see. All I know is taht you can see my change in attitude, from the bad to the good to the great to the bad again, my feelings are where I started too. It just hurts to see how happy I was and how I'm not there right now, it sucks. But don't worry, I am happy : ). k |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 28,May,2004 | I just finished looking through the whole yearbook for the first time. It has been one hell of year, that's all I know. Like seriously, I don't know where to begin. I've been taught so much in love, school, and in life and I have never felt like one year has ever effected me so much as this year has. I'm glad this year is over, I can't wait to be a senior, but I'm actually really sad. I'm going to miss all my senior friends, I'm going to miss the times I had this year with them, and with everyone else in my life. I don't want to say goodbye to anything that has happened to me this year. Usually I'm really excited for the next year to arrive, but now, now I just want to stay in the same position I am in right now. I want everyone to be around me, I want to hold on to everything I have, because it's just too hard to let go. This year has been the first year I really got close to people and the first year I really opened up to people and to myself. Sure it was one of the hardest years of my life in so many ways, but that just leaves to more memories and more learning experiences. Although this has been one of the hardest years of my life, this has also been one of the best and I thank all of you for making it that way. I just don't want it all to end, I just don't want to say goodbye. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,May,2004 | I think I just spent the past hour speaking spanish on and off trying to memorize mucho informacion de la iguana. I'm speaking in spanish about an iguana, seriously, when I do research on en Iguana, I just want to stop school. This is why I may think school is pointless.... Anyways, good news, I don't have mono!!! :) Well at least short term, I may have had it or have the long term mono crap, but I wont find that out for another week. It's sad that I'm sad I don't have it now though, it was really nice to have an excuse not to share your food with other people : ) haha yes wow I'm a freak. When they drew my blood at the doctor though, it was funny because I was actually amused. I have never gotten my blood drawn before and so today was a new experience for me. Everyone who has gotten it done was like ya it hurt so much or made me see and I couldn't watch. But nope, not for me. I watched the whole time and was amazed at how much blood can come out of you in like 2 seconds from one tiny needle. And it didn't hurt at all! Man I gotta get that done more often.... ok nah. It's not like I don't already stick a needle in my arm every day..... ok, ok kidding, geez. My hair has gotten long, I like it. I also like how carefree I have gotten about what I wear or how I look. Before I would like make sure I looked perfect and I couldn't not go out without makeup and I could only wear like sweatpants once a week. Now it's like meh, whatev. I don't care about makeup anymore and I like sweatpants so I really don't care about wearing those a lot either. It's funny too because I feel better about myself now being less carefree. I don't need other peoples opinions to make me happy anymore, sure it would be nice to hear you look good or something like that, but I shouldn't feel that I need to dress myself up and wear a lot of makeup to hear someone say that. It's funny how much I have changed, ok I might not have changed too much, but ya my attitude has. It's funny how much people change within high school, or even within a year. Do what you want to do and be who you want to be. Don't let other people determine who you are, determine that for yourself. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 25,May,2004 | I felt like I had a lot to say like yesterday and the day before or even since the last time I wrote, but now, now not so much, maybe I do, but meh. My brain is either too all over or completely gone to make anything sound worthwhile to write about. Lets see.... there's lacrosse. I'm extremely sad the season ended yesterday, but props to all of my gals to playing their asses off and having such a good season. No matter how low our downs were, our highs were the best times of my year and I love you all for always being there for me, and not only on the field. Seriously, I don't really know what to say because I respect you all so much and ya I hope you already all know how much I care. I will miss all you seniors soooooooooo much next year, just make sure to come back and play with us. I'm still glad there's a banquet :) Soccer. Blah, I don't know, our first game I got excited about playing and glad that I was, but now, I'm really just not in the mood. After this weekend, I feel like people and for sure my coach expect soemthing else out of me that I don't have. But no my coach is one minded and doesn't care to actually learn or pay attention to everyones skills, right now I think he thinks I suck, first of all I've been playing defense, never have in my life and he's never seen me at forward.... it's all because he thinks I'm slow, but really I can sprint and have a good shot, he just doesn't give a crap to see that. That and he thinks I don't have endurance and am out of shape, sure I'm not the best runner, but I play 3 sports year round, do you think I'm out of shape? Ok I'm done with this rant. Then one thing that pisses me off the most is when people are rude asses and wake you up from your nap, maybe no intentionally, but clearly they don't give a crap. I was sleepingon the couch and my sister and her friends come how and my sister is a fucking loud ass and just opens her mouth and starts like shouting! And then they stay in the fricken room! Seriously, I get crabby when I wake up from naps anyways, but when someone wakes me up that way, wow, it pisses me off, it doesn't help that I had just found out she had eaten some of my cake too. Urgh, I miss it when she was at college. Sorry tihs blog is kind of gloomy and all me bitching. I'm not refreshed after my one hour nap at all, I want to sleep some more. I'm getting sick..... oh no : / Oati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 22,May,2004 | Sorry, I lie, lax game is on Monday agaisnt EP at 5:30, but it's not at Blake, it's at the Hopkins stadium, even pimper. |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 20,May,2004 | So yesterday was the best lacrosse game ever, if you weren't there you missed a lot, we won 6-5 in the state quaterfinals and now we're playing EP in the semi-finals at 5:30 Monday I think at Blake. Seriously ya'll have to be there because it's going to be HUGE! But anyways ya, such a good game and my name is in the Star Tribune in the sports section! Go check it out, : ). Soccer tournament this weekend, 2 games today, tied one, lost the other..... I like how everyone is like whatever when we mess up, sure some get mad once in awhile, but really most of us probably laugh. It's fun and less stressful that way. One game tomorrow, maybe another.... but meh. Hudson is a weird place, it's kind of random. Bad idea to eat chili at Wendy's before a game : / I'm tierd..... no not because I have mono, because I don't think I do...... : / but because I'm always tierd and have been doing a lot, ok? ok. Whatever, time for a nap. Kati Oh and RESOL means cool.... because RESOL spelt backwards is loser so it's the opposite : ) |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 20,May,2004 | Just when you think things are looking up, things get worse, that or just when you think nothing else could go wrong, everything else does. I just don't get how you can be so effected by one thing and then everything there after also effects you completely and significantly, whether it's good or bad, everything becomes big and an issue when something is either way up or way down. I don't get it. Maybe it's just me. I don't know, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I myself get deeply effected by a lot, a lot of events and people, and who knows what. Also, I think people take certain situations and play them out differently, so the outcome and effect will go to their advantage. We live in a very selfish world, and I really don't like it. I'm sure I'm a hypocrite for saying it, because ya I know I want attention and I want things to go my way, a lot, but that doesn't mean I have to like the fact that I am like it. But mostly when it comes to friends and relationships, that should be the one time people shouldn't be selfish, no matter what, but we still all are. First of all there are two people, or more, in the situation and clearly either both will be effected by a decision, or at least for sure one will be. You can't just act on your own slef interest in a friendship, because no matter the bind between you and that friend, a friend will be effected by your descions if in any way it includes them. A friendship shouldn't have restrictions based on needs and wants, a friendship shouldn't have restrictions at all. A friendship should be the bond between you and that person, someone who can be there for you no matter the time or need. It doesn't matter how good of friends you are, a friend should always be there for you, a friend should be able to call you up no matter what. Lately I just feel that people have been too selfish and look too much at their wants to notice how the other person may feel or how they may be effected. I even feel like teams are breaking up because of individual needs. I feel seperated from so many peopel right now, when all I want is to be with them. Sure it may be selfish to want to be with someone or talk to someone, or to regain a friendship back, but depending on how you look at it, the effect could be for the better if you just play it out the right way. Even if there is a problem in a friendship, sometimes it's just for the better to let it be and just let it play out for itself then to make a descion solely based a one person's needs. I just don't want to be losing my friends because of stupid feelings or thoughts, or decisions. I want to know I have all my friends and want to know that they will always be there for me, no matter how I act, they act, or no matter what. All I know is that I'll always be there for all of my friends, no matter the situation. I'm just sick of hurting inside, my heart seriously can't take it anymore and neither can my head. I'm done. OK |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 17,May,2004 | I didn't get home tonight until 10 p.m., I was at school the whole time. Echo scares me sometimes. Now I'm tierd, and I haven't done any hw, at all. Spansih test meh, bio test meh, I'm screwed no matter what. Once I left the school, I was walking to my car and I noticed I left my cell phone in the pub, so then I turned around and the doors we shut. This scared me a lot, I'm too dependent on my cell phone to go like 5 feet without it. Then I'm like it's ok, Leah's still there and she can drop it off at my house on her way home, but then I realized her number was in my phone. Then I was going to call Avi, his number was in my phone, and so on and so forth. I live on my cell phone, I don't go anywhere without it, and now i'm going to have nightmares tonight because it isn't in the same place as I am in. I have to live without it for a whole night and I really don't know how to do it. I'm scared for it and am just really really hoping it's there tomorrow morning.... Oy. Oh but then I got the numbers, but you don't get service in the pub, great, Echo has screwed me over once again. Man, I hate getting emotionally attached. I just want it all back. Kati |
1,708,471 | female | 17 | indUnk | Cancer | 16,May,2004 | So prom was amazing. Seriously, everything went perfect (except for the part when the power blew)like I can't even describe how much fun I had. Dinner was awesome, and I was very impressed by the guys, the rides were awesome and the fact that I got to drive, dang, the dance was over the top, the after party, yes not as many people showed up as expected, but it was still a lot of fun, and the after after party even better, haha. I'm not gonna lie though, the best part of the night was my date :) haha. On top of it all everyone looked so beautiful and it just added to the night. I really can't describe how I feel right now though. I'm full of mixed emotions and mixed feelings and mixed thoughts. Like I have butterflies in my stomach but at the same time I want to throw up. I'm so happy for last night, but scared and disappointed for the future and that's the feeling that I want to go away. I just want to live each day like I did last night and want other people to do the same. Not to worry about what may happen but to go with the moment and with the connection and just live life to it's fullest, to be with the people you care most about and to just sit back and let whatever happen, happen. I think sometimes people just need to go with their emotions and follow that and that's what'll really make them happy at that moment, and if you live like that always, you'll never have regrets and you will most always be happy. I hate overthinking. :* Kati |
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