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1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 14,October,2003 | Agh. I left St. Luke's Methodist to get away from religious babble about 'Save your immortal soul! The devil wants to eat it for breakfast!' and then, a few years later, I come back to AP English to recieve more of the 'I watched a wasp dying and was reminded of God. Time to go repeat the Bible again.' I am godless (almost)! I am Unitarian! And then our teacher wants to stuff Jesus down our throats? Hahahahahaha fuck no. Okay that's all I really wanted to say but I think I'll ramble for the fun of it. I am a fellow of two very pleasant young ladies now that I do not think I had met before. One, Miss Whitney Adsit, also attends AP Biology (but not Lab) with me. The other is miss Amber Birch, who joins me in Economics and AP English. I think they are lovely and amiable. Two tests upon the morrow! One on a book I have not read, one on the calculus equations I have barely memorized. Fun! Cheers, chaps. Yoga tonight. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 14,October,2003 | Morgan said she wants my Gollum voice. Happiness... Elise returned. Saw her after hell (school) and gave her a belated birthday present. I was going insane without that girl. Who the fuck is Anonymous? That bastard. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 12,October,2003 | I get back from babysitting and realize I have a Biology essay and a Rhodes visit tomorrow and depression is already setting in. I want to see my psychiatrist. But I don't want to be a problem and demand a sooner appointment. I've been thinking, my life won't have much in it, it'll be empty, and anyone who I want to be with will find that I am insensitive and careless and forgetful. Elise is gone to Delaware. I feel like shit. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 11,October,2003 | Life sucks. urlLink Take the urlLink What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 11,October,2003 | What the hell is with cockroaches? The only creature on earth that could survive total nuclear apocalypse. I swear, I hit that fuck thrice, and it still crawled away under the dishwasher. I think I mortally wounded it, though. I reminisce of a time with a fellow of mine. We spotted another of the damn filthy piece of you-know-what. Hit it five times with a shoe. Nike, in fact. But it still didn't die. Damn those immortal things. Had to flush it. PSAT workshop meeting was this morn. 'twas the last one. Now we have the real thing, next week. I have the terrible fear that I shall perish. Sibling's annoying little fiend (I...forgot...to...type the r. Oh well) is over here again. Absolutely hell in a shell. OPEC paper now, but Monday, we're out. Thank god. But Dad's making me go to Rhodes, for a comparison college. I shall escape the state for college, but it is always good to have a back-up plan. Listening to: The Last Polka by Ben Folds Five Cheers, mortals. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 08,October,2003 | Bloody hell. DOY isn't working right now. From what I hear, Anonymous came back onto the DOY comments (he/she caused trouble last time), but I shan't say anything lest the Anonymous commenter was a fellow just being somewhat, er, mocking. Mom is currently ticked-off at the sewing-machine because - well, I know not what is wrong, but if I may translate what Mom was thinkng when she tinkered with it last night: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT DOING?' . Those were her mental words, not mine. But she is asking me to place a positive curse on the machine to make it work. Stand back, mortals. Observe as I raise my right hand, lower my left hand, stick out my left leg and turn the foot to the right, hop on the other foot, do the hokie-pokie, turn myself around (that's what it's all about), and speak 'Remove thy inhibitions, craft of man! We produce thee, we create thy little bits, we may smite thee if such is to our gain!' Now it should work. Alanna made me happy today because I made her happy. I told her I wake up to Kristin Hersh (at 100 decibels or so) in the morning. She shrieked and laughed. This was all during C lunch, so I am sure that we recieved a few glances. Have a lovely day, chaps. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 04,October,2003 | Hey, chaps. My apologies for not posting of late. I shan't excuse myself by saying that I have been busy, buried in schoolwork, etc. I shall simply offer this explanation: I have been lazy as hell and had nothing to publish. So there. Nee! School's fine, homework's fine, piano's not to fine but getting there, my friends are fine, why the bloody heck is this sounding like a summer camp note, I ate dinner at an English pub recently, my brother has a friend over who harasses me, I practically died this morning trying to awaken for the PSAT workshop, the cat is attacking my stocking feet to gain attention, the psychiatrist has the power to send me into a mental institute, I am avoiding about five different long-term projects right now, my heart skips for some reason, there is an army of plague-spreading skeletons from the reign of King Arthur rising from the kitchen sink (how did they get to Tennessee?), and I am arguing with the voices in my head. All in all, a fairly balanced existence. *cough cough BS* I had a lovely afternoon today, but I feel bad, because I left someone that I should have stayed with. And I shan't state names, lest that the person of whom I speak is angered at me, or lest people begin to ask too many questions. But I wrote of it: Iced Tea There’s a knocking at the door that I hid beneath my flesh Barely visible, right over my heart Only to be opened for a few And then, only a crack The door’s ajar; there’s a gale outside And I close it tightly shut again, But you were able to reach in Staying my hand And your blood’s warmth Flowed from your palm to my fingers I’ve been keeping the thermostat down low Maybe I like the cold Maybe I feared the warmth for a time So my hand began to hurt with the New circulation And my heart began to pump, I’ve been having dreams lately We were in the back of a movie theater I won’t say exactly what we did But it gave me the same sort of euphoria That made my mind flutter And my breath come short When you leaned against my chest, I kissed below your left eye Forgotten something now… I didn’t take you to the stars Would have, if I didn’t fear myself Your friends are all so nice, so… … Above me… And I can’t stand in a crowd for long My lungs choke up And I fall into some cardiac arrest That happened when I was driving (I didn’t tell anyone) Come in, have some tea Before it freezes in my hand. Orlando Bloom is an elf and a demi-god. Say nothing of him! Bwahaha. Sorry. Have a lovely evening, mortals. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 23,November,2003 | Talking to Alanna, I think I need to reconsider the whole shrink thing and perhaps get meds soon. Alanna's agreeing. She's so lovely, I can talk to her about all this. I'm not enjoying anything. I got really upset tonight (twice) and had potentially bad thoughts. So methinks I'll talk to the therapist. Fucking human mind. I'd rather be a fish. Sorry about not posting in so long. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 16,November,2003 | Damnit! Katherine and Alanna have deleted their blogs! Snarl. I am upset. And Brock hasn't posted becuase he has almost no access to computers. And the Apocalypse (how do you spell the bloody thing?) is coming. Doom doom and more doom. Dad says Damnit is spelled Dammit when only one word, and Damn It otherwise. Not anymore! Alanna is so lovely. Our parents deserted us last night and ran to the Party in the Library, so she was willing to put up with me for a while so I wouldn't be lonely. I drove to her [Alanna's] house playing Stretch Princess, who is now moving up in the holy hierarchy, and we listened to Shoes. Which is a Muse in the form of sound waves. But Alanna joined me and, after my parents finally left for the Party of booze and loud music in the history section of the library, we argued about who was more indecisive over movies. So we ran to blockbuster (actually, not ran, drove rather, but who cares) and rented Frida. Just a little thing about Frida: excellent acting, wonderful historical telling, superb color-enhancing and regulation. One problem: it's fucking creepy. Seriously, when she is painting the creepy stuff in her later life, it really frightens one. For example, the painting of her and herself attached through the neck by a vein. Or (this one really scared the shit out of me and I don't know why) the picture of her on top of a ziggeraut, with her metal brace-cage on her nude upper body, and her stone spinal column cracking, and her face full of nails . As I said, seriously disturbing. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 13,November,2003 | Evil virtue log is due tomorrow and I have nothing to tell about being 'just'. Hell, I don't know how to be just, but people tell me I am unconsciously just. Oh well. I shall have a lot of 'there was nothing today'. Evil Age of Innocence essay test is tomorrow too. I shall die. Utterly. Doom doom doom more doom and the preacher spews a bit more doom about man's walk over the pit of hell. Would you like some death with that? No! Doom, damnit! Doom doom doom! I sincerely apologize for the frantic and evidently insane post. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 12,November,2003 | Alanna has deleted her blog. This is utter sadness, akin to the time in which Brock stopped posting. I won't say why over blogger, lest she desire that the reason be kept silent, but I know that a multitude of people are unhappy as a result of this. I mean, truly, her blog was somewhat of a column that a lot of other blogs seem to rotate about. Hers and DOY, perhaps. It's the whole breach of confidence and trust and interaction that disturbs me about the whole matter. I'm sorry, dear Alanna. Bloody english rough drafts are due next week. I am doomed. Oh, by the way, an interesting new link to your right. Apparently, people usually follow a behavioral sinosoidial curve (that means like a sine graph) that adheres to three human categories: emotional, physical, and intellectual. These occur in periods of 23 to 33 days. The lines are thus known as urlLink biorhythms . Evening, mortals. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 09,November,2003 | I am justice. This is bullshit. English bullshit. I despise it. I strongly desired to be silent. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 07,November,2003 | Good evening. I have just finished watching the Matrix Reloaded, and thus I am thoroughly depressed for no damn reason. Those movies seem to have such an odd effect on me, despite the enjoyment I perceive whilst watching them. And no one is on IM, it appears. Bloody hell. I need to talk to someone. Forgive this small paragraph. 'tis all angsty shit. You know what? Telemarketers have secured our fax number and they are sending us fucking faxes for products . Does that strike anyone as, say, illegal to the maximum it possibly can be? I mean, indeed, phones are oft used as a telemarketing tool, but the telemarketers are paying for the damn right to call me/us/whoever and preach about a product nobody wants. And that is legal. The no-call list may be argued, but it is nonetheless legal. (Damn our luck.) But faxing! We pay for the fucking paper that they print their shhhhhhhit out on! That is our paper! Is this not some subtle act of - perhaps - THIEVERY ? (quote the American Heritage Dictionary: thievery n. The act or practice of taking by stealing; larceny.) Are we stating that they are now common criminals? Because this is bullshit. Bed enough that they call, now they make us pay for their fucking sales practices that we want NO part of. My apologies to telemarketers. It is not thee to whom I direct my anger. I am irked by your occupation. Because if there is one thing on earth that is hell-derived, 'tis the concept of telemarketing. Cheers, mortals. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 06,November,2003 | It strikes me that it hath been quite a while since I last posted on DOY or my blog. I sincerely apologize for such. I shall post here, and if Alanna requests a post of mine, I shall comply. Okay, where were we... Ah yes. Halloween. I was a beatnik, wearing entirely black, including this kick-ass beret I bought cheap at a hat store over on Highland. And I was carrying bongos. And my father instructed me in saying 'Life is shit' in french (what was it...'la vi est merde?' or something like that). I dropped by the UU church to help clean up after their Halloween party, then I drove out to Germantown (getting lost twice) for the party over at the acting god Eric's house. Seriously, an acting god. And a very pleasant chap to boot. But I hung on the outside of all the socializing and the dancing, and spoke to Heather about everything (I very much appreciate it, Miss). Afterwards, I spoke to Elise of my anti-social tendencies. Which, on Wendesday, I also spoke of to my psychologist. And all have agreed that I should ask Mademoiselle Elise for personal 'dancing lessons', the sort of dancing that follows a route of spontenaity and involves a level of self-assurement that I utterly lack. So I should hopefully be dancing soon. Let's see...English turned out okay, despite the evil-infused bloody note cards that I referred to last post. However, the initially smited idea of a library party turned out well. Though the doomed study group began with only two lovely ladies (Laylee and Alanna) and I, it swelled to an eventual 7 (entirely), including Miss Katherine Warren (temporarily), Miss Jenny (who is entirely too lovely), Lise (refer to the early posts - an angel), and eventually Master Kevin (a nice fellow). 4 of us ran over to CK's after the library closed, and worked frantically over grilled cheese sandwiches. Pleasant, I daresay. I might be in a movie! Happiness (quantity cubed). However, I dare not reveal any details...yet. I have written a poem that I should like to post. However, I know not if it is utterly crap. Here it goes: Kissing the Cut She blows a kiss to him, through a cyber code Though the binary illuminates no emotion His eyes are almost seeing the little graphic A small icon, in the shape of lips Red, as it floats onto the computer screen Animated, perhaps He doesn’t want this superficial image His hand rises, to reach through the processor To catch the real thing As maybe it will slip through the speakers Molding itself to the ridges of his fingertips He can return it to his mouth Draw a new kiss from the tongue Reach Grasp again through the reflecting pool Maybe, then, a wormhole A tunnel through time and space Fourth and third dimension knit together To touch her lips with the new sigh Held on the fingerprint Because he knows that she can understand it He knows that she understands his yearnings And his own boundaries He’s trying to rise from the swamp that became home That’s why he needs a therapist That’s why when he walks through the halls Sometimes, under the artificial Manmade, synthetic, false lights His mind suddenly stumbles Into the other side of him, off the indifference plane Where he doesn’t give a damn, to where he gives too much And it gets to him That’s the time when the call from the kitchen It’s weak right now – don’t let it become stronger Never let it become stronger Like that night, when he leaned up against The cold, smooth counter And slid a knife from the wall Touched it to his flesh, but wouldn’t pull it across Couldn’t pull it across He has a speed dial number if he ever did Someone he could talk to Someone to whom he wouldn’t be afraid to Finally cry And let loose the torrent of exasperation Torn from his throat in a passion Among these words would be “I love you” And then a few minutes before “I’m sorry For everything I’ve ever done to you and to her And to him and to them and to everyone who I might Have once, just once, done something to that might have Caused me to fall into a pit – if I am not already in one And to make my fear finally become reality – To lose you” Because she hasn’t been in his dreams Though he promised to meet her there, every night On the same elusive plain, torn atwixt shifting universes There he can kiss her As he has done, twice before Only for the duration of the dream And only for the duration of his flamenco dance With a growing fear. Bah. I spit upon this poem. Have a lovely evening chaps. Hasta. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 31,December,2003 | Someone talk to my blog. I am rather lonely at this moment, for I am currently in Florida and utterly isolated from everyone save my family, which might as well imply that I am isolated from everyone period. Ani is here with me though. Despite the minor drawback that she is on a CD. But she is somewhat here and she is preserving what traces of sanity I have left. Alanna and Brock, I very much appreciate the Ani concert CD. (Actually, I love you for it. Recollect how I began wheezing at school when I unwrapped it.) Morgan, thank you so much for just getting the haircut. It is immensely happy. In addition to all that fun stuff, I now own 2 more Ani CD's, a le Tigre CD, a formal suit-like assembly, a pi tie pin (and matching shirt - 3.1415926535...), Ghost Soldiers , A FRANCISCA LIA BLOCK BOOK THAT NOW OWNS MY EXISTENCE , formal silver pins, and a car CD player (yo). Power. I necessitate updates on Cindy and the Battle of the Prince Charmings. Gracias. Happy New Year. Cheers, mortals. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 24,December,2003 | GAH MORGAN WHY ARE YOU SO CUTE WITH YOUR BOY HAIRCUT?? I love you. Happy commercialized Christmas to all. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 18,December,2003 | Forgive me if I accidently or intentially insult someone in this, but I found this document to be...er...rather attention drawing. Repeat after me: urlLink What the fuck? And fossils aren't real, because they were put there by the Devil to trick us into finding a practical way to interpret this existence. (By the way, the earth isn't round either. It turned flat yesterday. Hey, why not, the earth is only ten years old.) I am crotchety, grumpy old Mr. Gruff who thinks he has it all worked out. And, yes, I will lash out at a little Christian child. That is, if he comes up to me and tells me I am going to hell. Cheers. I am simmering down. Someone tell me if this is offensive. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 13,December,2003 | depression is cyclic cyclic is life life is existence existence is awareness awareness is knowledge knowledge is learning learning is growth growth is inevitable so depression is inevitable it's happening again |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 11,December,2003 | So here's the diagnosis: some anxiety syndrome that causes perfectionism and depressed tendencies. Well fuck. I have some meds that I may not take until after exams, because one of the tenporary side effects is...increased anxiety. But only for a short time. Psychiatrist dude also warned me to tell someone if I had suicide thoughts and/or increasing signs of mania(s). Fun fun. We talked about a whole bunch of rather interesting stuff - for example, 'how many girlfriends have you had?' and 'do you have privelages with them hint hint'. And we talked a whole lot about sex, sexuality, drugs, religion, sex, alcohol, girls at school, friends, sex, medications, disorders that I may develop, sex, etc. So yeah. I start to take meds after exams. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 05,December,2003 | I apologize to Alanna and Heather and Becky for being a lazy fuck. I have been this lazy fuck since my last post, as you might notice, because no post follows the last post except this post, which has a significant time difference, which is why I am a lazy fuck. Understand? I don't. Becca's gig was bloody awesome. Allow me to recollect. Several people (Alanna, Elise, Kevin, Brock, Laylee, actor-god Eric) arrived to listen to the precursor presentation, which was performed by a pleasant chap named Daniel Shank ( i think ). He wrote excellent poetry and essays. However, the greatest quantity of people arrived to listen to Becca Becca fucking-goddess-I-love-her-and-her-pickless-guitar. She played my personal fave Morning Sickness as the second song!!! One moment: conniption. Okay, better now. But anyway, a whole crowd of school mates flooded in to listen to holy divine songs. This included Rachel, Evan, Katherine, Tarah, Lauren H., etc, as well as DOY members (e.g., Morgan). Becca is goddess. Sorry. But she also played 'Telephone' (or 'my telephone' I forget), which rocks everything. Change subject: Her songs were damn excellent. All of them. Change subject again: I am semi-free, for I turned in the hellish English paper I referred to in earlier posts. So that is over. However, señor Oh-My-Gawwwd (that's how he says it) Espinosa is giving us some shit test that no true human can actually study for. So that will be absolute hell. Heather wants my Gollum voice on her cell phone. I am happied. Lessee....nothing else to ramble about. Wait, I wrote something a few moments ago that I personally like. Though I may like because it is the only thing I have written in - what? - a month, perhaps. Transparent Glass ball Hovering between the glare of One thousand suns streaming past Some inborn light No light will last Because ever light has a shadow Thrown off carelessly And it constantly changes The light and the shadow Always, when one changes The other Changes And the photons filter through The clear sphere Bounce off my retina, invert Invert again, but I have myopia In both nuances of meaning Glass balls are light bulbs And crystal orbs That the cheap seer plugs in To see my face, warped in the glass Except that little bubble That the blowers couldn’t suck out They’re only blowers And they were creating a glass ball That had a bit of blue to it Or any color you would like To sell to some cheap seer in the Palm and tarot shops That spit artificial light from light bulbs And every time the night goes dark My vision It’s blurry Because I don’t want to use my lenses I want to see by myself It never happens like that Too many shadows to blend Made by one thousand suns Streaming past my car window And shining on the Glass. Cheers, mortals. I cannot feel my toes, which are in my socks, which are in my boots. That says something about how cold it is. listening to: Ben Folds Live: Army |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 22,January,2004 | Hey all. I just spoke via phone to elise, who was at java and allowed a few minutes in the bitter cold to talk to me in private. i called her due to dreadful thoughts of cutting and letting all my defective genes run out of my map of veins. i hate being me, i don't want another person to suffer my DNA. but elise is so very lovely, and she spoke to me about how such thoughts are not healthy for me. so i owe her. i am happy that i could talk to someone about this, especially to her about it. sorry. randomness. cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 21,January,2004 | Proto By the way, there seems to be something wrong with this poem. I am not really sure what. Somebody tell me. He splashed a rusty glow Tried to paint on his face And smeared the make-up into his eyes So no one could look inside A dilated pupil (And it’s not even bright) Ripped out his own vocal cords Not wanting to hear the ugly croak Of his own voice And he tried to hide behind his textbooks Everyone knows A dilated pupil means fear. But one plunge into the dirt reminded him That the law of gravity is made To be broken. They –who found him Shivering in the cold abyss Of self-deprecation – Played his voice back to him To help him To make him Remember how to laugh And it was her who held open his eyelids Melted the false skin Let the pure blue light that fell in Tiny glittering teardrops Drown out the gray. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 18,January,2004 | everything is dying. everything seems to be blowing up, without any order to it. i hate being on the outer edge of the circle, watching as the rift between people grows, unable to cease its existence. no, as i watch, it swells into some hideous beast, and though i still talk to people who sit on both sides of this abhorrent creature, i feel that the beast may lunge for me soon, trying to make me choose the side of the rift upon which i will live, and i will watch the other side shrink as the schism spreads. this is what needs not happen. but a guerrilla war grows, of rumor and miscommunication and disdain that settles into hatred. and one passes another, and they don't want to look into each others' eyes, for each look will send a sharp pain into their memories. and one crack has split, and branched, and spread with the frozen tears and the weathering of sighs until it threatens to crumble the statue on which it infested itself. i just have a feeling that something worse might happen. i don't know what. this is bad enough. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 14,January,2004 | 'ello. Much has happened since I last posted. I can't remember most of what has happened, and that which I do remember, I shall tell. On Saturday morning, I went bright and early (10:00 am) to the Junior Bridges meeting, where we did relatively nothing for three hours but repeat our summer experiences indoors. Afterwards, Elise and I joined each other with Whitney A., one of her friends, Laura (companion of Elise), and Nisha at the not-so-nearby McAlister's, and we all had lunch. Elise made me (she really did make me) eat a pickle, and, like I maintain, it was disgusting. I washed it down with cheesecake. Elise hit me several times for being ridiculous. She makes me so very happy. Then I went home and killed myself with car wax. That evening, I drove to Alanna's house, for we were planning to see Big Fish. (Brock drove his bloody nice car to her house.) Brock was there, and so was Morgan, and so was Laylee, but Laylee couldn't go to the movie (goddamn regulations). Laylee and Alanna were showering when I arrived, so I watched and listened to Alanna's computer with Brock and Morgan. Alanna asked me to call Brock wordy-durds for her, so I complied: 'YOU FUCKING CUNT! WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN ASSHOLE?' I apologized to Brock. Big Fish was sold out. We rented A Life Less Ordinary instead, and watched it at Brock's house. Morgan had me scream 'Get your hands off of my woman, muthafucka!' in the car on the way there. And Wesley definately thinks I am not human. So fun. I wrote this of late, and was encouraged to post it: Your back is bent against the side of the mattress Head, thrown back to touch the frame And your eyes, closed As the blood rushes to your ears And feeling that peaceful euphoria on ultimate Calm, in one spot One single place in the universe Where everything is correct, for one hour One hand flung carelessly to lay on the floor The fingers slightly curled And the other in my palm, for me to hold As I peer over the mattress edge At your eyelids, and half-open lips Lightly laying one hand on your naked stomach For the sake of feeling flesh And muscle and tissue, pulsing For the sake of inhaling your exhale For the caress against skin, produces a dizzying Carbon-dioxide-inhaling sensation, like I can’t breathe And I drink my own dopamine That tells my body, you are attracted to The body that hangs over the edge of the bed Even if it isn’t for sex or marriage or legality It’s a natural love potion And I want to roll over and sigh Writing on her stomach in Sharpie: The scents of your natural perfume And my sense of compassion for you When your back is bent And your heart inhaling The quiet lullaby of your breath Weaves the dream over my eyes And allows me to sleep more deeply. Cheers, mortals. Have a nice evening. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 06,January,2004 | I can now play Ode to Joy on my guitar. (Whoopdie-do). I am proud of myself. I have decided to name my guitar Illona, which means 'light of the sun' in Irish/Gaelic (I think). My guitar is my child. My parents don't want me to have a child (yet). This is a conflict of interests. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 03,January,2004 | My god, I get it now! Listening to: What's your take on Cassavetes !!!! I love Lanna. That was random. I apologize. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 24,February,2004 | I apologize for not posting in so long. Truth be told, the process has gotten rather tedious, and I am more involved in reading blogs than actually writing them. But I just had an urge to post tonight becuase I just stopped by Alanna's lovely blog and found the addresses of three sites with some of the urlLink happiest pictures. urlLink Ever . urlLink Period . But then there are those crowds of people who preach against it because they 'don't feel right about it' or 'don't like gays.' That is about the most pitiful statement against gay marriage and homosexuality I have ever heard. 'I don't like gays.' Because they are different. Well, fuck difference. Those who are paying attention to their goddamn differences don't seem to realize that homosexuals are just as human as heterosexuals, and bisexuals have no right to be left out either. We are human together. We will die of the same worldwide epidemic, and we are all born through the same method of birth, and we all live on the same essential compounds. What about those who stand around and protest homosexuality because - get this - they don't like the idea of sex between two mala gays. Holy fuck. That is about the most superficial reason ever. The relationship is not about sex, people! It's about bonding, it's about love, it's about being drawn to another person. Any relationship is based on that and only that. The attraction based on sex and appearance is not a relationship; it is pure lust. He who assumes that two gay men are married to fuck each other only makes a mockery of the word love. And then there are those who base their discrimination and prejudice - that is what it is, and no one can argue it, it is purely the prejudice against the African Americans in a different form - on what? A bible. A fucking bible. A book from 2,000 years ago that no one can actually prove was written by anyone above a drunk man. By all accounts, the 'B'ible may have been created by a group of people who made up another way to explain things. Oh, wait, that probably is how it was created. And so we have these people who want homosexuals to die - I'm sorry, people who are different to die - becuase a moldy old book told them to. One cannot prove it was written by God. Just as one cannot prove the sanctity of the Q'uran or the Torah or the Vedic texts. They assume. And they hate because others don't assume. Or others do assume, but they don't assume the same thing. Catch my drift? I see 'Jesus' painted on the shirts of the gay protestors in the pictures. They are following the man, not the principle. Jesus preached, and they are following the religion about Jesus, not the religion of Jesus. Jesus urged unity; he urged strength, he urged faith, but most importantly, he urged unity. And unity should transcend the barriers of sexual preference. Unity does not exclude. Unity does not make exceptions. Unity includes everyone as one, and no one as separate. Cry the beloved country, that watches as the nation falls apart as humans discriminate and commit the sin of unacceptance and bias. Who will pull it together, when people fight to pull it apart, and the people in power are slipping beneath the regulations to fight on this terrible side (*cough George Fucking W. Bush). Amendment proposal: marriage is the holy joining of a man and a woman. Holy my ass. While Britney Spears is married in the Little White Chapel, activists who pound their fists on reality (hoping it will break) tell us that two people who can actually love are not fit for marriage. Unity. Everyone says it is a dream; it becomes more of one daily. What are we? One color? One race? One sex? One religion? And as we protest difference, the sands of time and the smoke of war and the ink of prejudice rain upon our heads and gradually make us one color, one race, one nationality, one sex, one religion, one species. One being. One corpse. I am of one place: Earth; of one color: blood; of one race: human; of one sex: we; of one religion: reality; of one species: Homo sapiens . Of one sexual orientation: polysexual. Of one being: we who exist on the same planet. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 07,February,2004 | Intersection 1 My sister looks nothing like me Thinks nothing like me yet Somehow we can lean against each other Find a structural support in each others’ shoulders Naturally Sometimes we drift apart and sometimes we float back together in a frenzy of realizing How far had we just gotten To where I couldn’t see you and you couldn’t see me? Each blow I inflict upon her flows through blood And ends up hitting me in return quote, No Man Is An Island We, she and I Positive and negative Outgoing and introspective just fit sometimes jigsaw fashion. 2 I know that a soul never came I know this because her tummy (that is what we called it back then) would speak a faint, insistent pulse whenever I put my ear to her navel and she would say to me, “can’t you hear the kicking?” I would be excited, and whisper, for fear of waking it up while it still slept “it’s kicking, mommy” but one day the kick ebbed and they held me and told me that it never really came I would never know whether I could train him or sing to her They told me it was a miscarriage mommy, what’s that mean? 3 it always happens around this time just like I expect it to a guest that I never want to come by but that I have no right to scream       Why             the                   Fuck have you come back and made me want to       run away             and hide my face       and never look up again or do something so no one will have to suffer me thinking that no one wants to see the smile on my face ever again which I have only stolen back recently and then the guest pulls out       a list of what I have done wrong, of course so why don’t I just end it now hereon the kitchen floor no one will care just six             swift       slices here and there let all of it, all of it out but I made a promise not to. 4 Don’t talk to me I don’t want to see you right now or her, or him, or anybody I just want to curl into a ball and sleep without knowing: 5 i have a secret i have a secret that i know and no one else knows it it’s my secret, and i don’t have to tell it it’s a precious feeling, having a secret a little blue ball between my fingers and no one can know it because it’s all mine i breathed on it today it rose up and embraced me for i found out that i could cry and the secret can only be whispered when no one is watching so i won’t say my secret unless i say it to Her i would give my secret to Her, so she would know it and then we would have a pair of secrets the two of us hummingbirds that travel in pairs humming because they know something and they know that no one else knows blue hummingbird i hold Her in my palms. Sorry I am not blogging frequently anymore. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 30,March,2004 | I just made a huge batch of raw heath/chocolate-chip cookie dough. I need someone to eat it with me. Now. I want a friend to keep me company and eat cookie dough with. Alanna or Katherine or Elise or someone. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 29,March,2004 | The prospect of aging past eighteen in my current body and mind has become even more unfavorable in the past week. Rotary leadership convention ended; I made many friends and watched as they all left for their respective places in existence. College fair passed, reminding me of the inevitable crawl of minutes toward the end of this life and the beginning of another. Friends fade in and out of my peripheral vision, my hormones explode and fade and explode again, and I am currently choking on my own escophagus. I was at the Leadership conference in Olive Branch over the weekend, enjoying myself thoroughly. I actually danced, which made me swell with exorbitant pride. And I met this wonderful strawberry blonde at the conference who I slow danced with and seriously considered dating. However, cue the problems: she lived an hour away, and even though she said she would have dated and considered me perfect boyfriend material, she was conservative, and it would not have worked out. Next morning, everyone leaves, and I am seated in a Rotary van headed back to Memphics, thinking of everyone who I probably wouldn't see again, despite efforts to do otherwise (for example, Jessica, the strawberry blonde). I am now realizing I get jealous too fucking easily. I hate myself for it. Even worse, I sometimes hate other people for it. At the college fair, my mother took the approach of, simply put, 'Go to this College Fair today or you will end up at University of Memphis or UT Knoxville,' which pissed me off highly and set me into a thoroughly upset mood. This was about five minutes after I returned from the Convention, by the way. My dreams are convoluted, and many of the ideas that seep into these surrealistic dreams are either actions I never want to take or actions that I would love to take but will never happen. So my brain is teasing me again. And I am fatigued often. My parents have an inclination to believe such may have been in part from the 20 mm of meds. I cut it down to 15 mm. Now I am getting depressed. I really need to get work. I also really need to get some type of close relationship. It would probably help to the extreme, both of these. I am currently trying. I have no idea why I am stating all this online. God damnit. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 14,March,2004 | Somebody hit me very hard right now. I am torturing myself again with the thought that I will never see most of my friends after college. Especially Becca. Everyone will just disappear. I feel like crying. Goddamn medicine. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 14,March,2004 | Last night/This morning was extremely weird for a reason I do not entirely comprehend. I joined Alanna and Brock and Katherine and Alice for fun stuff last night for no good reason. On the way out to get chicken (fried), Katherine's tire popped, so we all pulled over and sharpened our life skills throwing ourselves bodily at the lug nut wrench (Earnest has power, by the way, with the lug nut wrench). We then decided to swing by the smart mart near alanna's house for roman noodles, pringles, hot fries, and one (1) honey bun. That was enjoyable, save the fact that we are currently in allergy season, and last night I could not go for one minute without sneezing out half of my brain. I went home at 8:00 and popped one, count it, only one Benadryl shit tablet to stop my allergies. It just so happens that Benadryl (fuck spelling) hates my existence. I passed out at 10:00 pm (Saturday night) and awoke at 2:00 am (Sunday morning); upon realizing this, I returned to bed at 2:45 am, and proceeded to have some seriously fucked-up dreams. In the first, I was among a group at my school that decided to kill everyone. It was horrible. I remember shooting people and they would twist and fall down. Then we (the group) hid in a classroom waiting for the police and I was afraid of being shot to death. The second dream was connected to this one. Everything in the first dream had been a dream (in the dream), but half of the school had the dream, and another half didn't. The half that had the dream (dreamt) was afraid of me. I was so upset that I kept trying to call my mom to pick me up, but the phone was not working. In a third dream, I was in the same school, and the whole school was brainwashed. Next to the second floor windows (this was not WSHS), we (the school) were constructing the nests for species that were going to horribly wipe out the entire earth. The nests involved the egglings, nest material, parmesan cheese and a raw egg mixture. (wtf.) Then the whole school ran away and I was wearing an armed hovering pack. Some eggs began to hatch; I blasted them with some type of fire (I distinctly remember doing this). Three escaped outside. When I followed them, I saw they were attacking Meg Kerr (also in an armed hover pack) with lasers. I tried to help her fight them, but I couldn't. If any of these seem funny, they weren't. They were terrifying. I should laugh at them. On a lighter note... I have been thinking about what all my fellows would be like when drunk. Elise would be in a kind of acting mood, trying to say that she only took 'a sip' of a drink, and she would also be laughing and falling all over the place. Alanna would be giggling and laughing and singing kristin hersh and le tigre. Katherine would be acting like a queen; she would laugh and be motherly somewhat to everyone else. Brock would be sprawled half the time, and the other half he would be dancing around with alanna and singing in shrill tones. Alice would dance around constantly laughing, and somewhat stumble every once in a while. Lauren D. and LA would probably watch half the time. The other half, Lauren D. would tackle people, and LA would be walking among everyone. It would be fun and rebellious. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 26,April,2004 | No idea where this came from... Poe doll dances around every night at precisely eleven fifty-seven pm its eyes begin to glow with the digital burn and I watch it rising out of the floor with a purple mist creating its tattered robe barely smiling through its stitched mouth it dances two feet off the floor spinning feverishly in a wide oval and the tatters fly out in a ring around it it sings with a faint wail a faint wail the cat's cry in a human throat of a little serene and faintly ominous thing? and the spark on its back begins to spread leaping to its tatters and its stick hands held out like a scarecrow and then lights up the head in a blue yellow flame its eyes are burning brighter than its personal inferno the Poe doll begins to wobble its tatters are fluttering unevenly and its wail dies away the Poe doll sinks back into the floor at twelve eight am precisely the grisly cadaver of a dream I sewed its lips together and lit it on fire. Does someone have any insight into random thought who could explain this? |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 24,April,2004 | I went around today for a lively session of snatching applications for summer jobs, etc. I dropped by (in order) Atlanta Bread Co., Mantia's, Folk's Folly, McAlister's, Wild Oats, Perkins, Davis-Kidd cafe, and TCBY. Becca was working at Mantia's, and oh my god she is always always adorable. But most places said they weren't hiring currenty; however, they would probably hire around summer. So, fun. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 22,April,2004 | What are they discussing out there in the car? They aren't moving. They've been there for twenty minutes. Have I done something again? |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 05,April,2004 | Evening, all. Sincerest apologies for not posting in something akin to a decade. I have been distracted by school and sleep deprivation. Let's see, where to begin. Much has happened since the last post. I lost all recreational driving privelages by not stopping completely at a stop sign about one hundred feet away from my house. Which, truthfully, sucks much. I am hardly able to go anywhere now, for I am (usually) dependent upon myself for transportation. I have slacked off in school, I am dying with fatigue, I am having less than self-preserving thoughts. Blah. School is coming to a close soon, thank god. I am really surprised that my moodiness has not been improved by the rain recently. I usually feel splendid in rain. Mom and Dad are attacking me for not having a job and for not being organized, which is thoroughly making me feel far worse than I think they realize. I just feel that their view of me has gone down recently, because I made *gasp* two B's on my report card and had a little encounter with the teen driving squad (police). I feel they are taking something out on me. Which is probably not true, but it sure as hell seems like it. I really think that I am just having trouble with trust and self-image lately. I've been finding out things about friends that I wish they had told me, for example. And I can't be too sure what my fellows think about me sometimes. This, too, is probably nothing at all, and I am probably overreacting as I always do. God. I hate my neurons. I've been having this insane idea of letting all the bad blood seep out of my wrists. Or taking enough pills to make it better. Blegh. Forgive me for being a lunatic. I am going to drink a pinapple Fanta soda. Like right now. And play Rachmoninaff whilst drinking this golden soda. Tropical Rachy. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 05,April,2004 | My heart is contracting painfully in many directions at once. A pulse for everyone I know. A beat for their sins and their virtues. And then my own transgressions flood the vessels with despair. I am losing my way again. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 31,May,2004 | Sunburns are not pleasant. The amount of sun I recieved today while idiotically working shirtless on the lawn was enough to make the skin on my shoulders bubble. No, fucking literally. So, yeah. Wear sunscreen. I'll be a walking pile of skin cancer in a little while. I am also currently glowing with the approximate hue of a lobster. I've been talking with lovely Miles lately. I can't understand why people can be so ignorant and hypocritical. See, Miles and her fellow Ian should like to hang out more, but Ian's possessed mother, a turn-face Christian, is so goddamn closed minded. I mean, I am friends with plenty of Christians, but there are always extremes. This woman pledges openness, yet, in the same breath, slanders anyone who does not give their entire life and half of their firstborn to Jesus H. Christ. So now Ian is grounded, holed up in some travesty of a shelter whilst his mother pounds the goddamn bible into his head. Fucking what. Just because they know each other, Ian's mother goes insane. Just because they know each other, that bitch refuses to understand that his whole life of pain and struggle is becuase her glorified one sided mindset is not compatible with what his mind tells him. He is not a fucking disciple. Ian is a human, and he has the right to choose her own path. I apologize. I need to go calm down. We have an idea for rebellion. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 30,May,2004 | I hath returned from my travels to the far away land of colleges. And allow me to say, the land is so fucking confusing that I will run to my room and curl into a fetal position. I visited furman, clemson, and emory. The first two are extremely pleasant. The last one is questionable: Atlanta lives on Emory's goddamn campus. So that location is questionable. But anyway. We spent a lot of time driving with our butts stuck to leather seats. I am back though, and the second I entered my house I got dizzy. The humidity of Memphis, it seems, is not exaclty salubrious to my physical state. Amber agrees. Lovely thing, her. I am going to steal her away from hr parents and hide her in my room so she won't have to leave. I don't think the medicine is working anymore. It has been doing nothing for the past week, so I shall be discussing with Dr. Price some variation of the stuff. It seems to be causing fatigue in addition to not working. Wonderful. Might as well overdose on advil for a similar effect. I wrote a surprising lot on the trip. Two of the items I posted on DOY. The piece here I wrote Sunday morning, before we left, and I asked the manager to give it to the actual Robert. I think it made him happy. I dunno, though, as we left immediately after: Robert, out waiter, has the soft eyes and the melted smile of a man who understands his relationship with people. He works when he can, but seems to value talking to someone. When speaking, his eyes wander, and his voice is beautiful: sad, somehow, and somewhat raspy. Robert, it seems, is still a kid; he knows this, and how it affects his customers. His gentle chocolate skin always shifts into a smile when he talks about driving to Rome daily for his nightly work, after his shift here ends. And though he is just one picture, Robert, has become the fragile part of a web in this intimate community. He has painted the road to the paradoxical power plant in the fields, and the quiet wood and iron bridge, and the tiny shop of pizza and peanuts. I wish he would write about who he is. Robert's story would be a series of pictures. Heather, why the hell are you in Oklahoma? Alanna and Katherine and Brock and Miles and Amber, we need to do fun stuff before summer is over and we are dying in the senior year that precedes college. (Let the grades I just recieved from the school not bode for next year). |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 25,May,2004 | Gone to South Carolina for college hunting. Holla. Alanna, when I get back, we ae going to have something big goin on. I don't know what yet. We'll just have something big and fun. With cakes. I want to see everyone for some strange reason that I don't know. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 23,May,2004 | I went to the soup kitchen today with miles. It actually proved to be most fun; the people there were nice and funny, and I saw several faces that I recognized but did not realize were from white station. Miles was, as always, lovely and fun and I enjoyed being around her. I appreciate that she asked me to come. Guess who I also saw? Lela! Lela lyla lily, daughter of my father's friend. She is so precious and adorable and grown up now! Haven't seen her in an age, which is actually several years. God. I want to jump on her and hug her and steal her away with miles. That's what I'll do. And we'll all run away to Paris. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 21,May,2004 | i am re-reading francisca lia block because her words are so beautiful. i want a witch baby. a witch baby to call me own. a pancake dancer stowawitch to hold in my arms and stroke her snarl-ball hair and look into her purple slanty eyes. we could play drums together, and lay in the mud as the rain poured upon us. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 20,May,2004 | To whomever it may concern: Today is the last fucking day of this school year. I will be free for a time. I will be a senior. I am pumped on so much goddamn adrenaline right now. It feels good. The adrenaline. Can you feel my freedom? Holla out to my sistas in St. Mary's. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 20,May,2004 | Evening. As I stated last post, I have not had an extreme amount of time to post in the past week or so. At the moment, I have a few seconds of independent thought to spare, so I shall try to bring this charade of a blog up to date. Exams have been happening of late. Quite evil, assuredly. Both English and Biology are null and void, as the exams for these have been taken care of in the Advanced Placement nonsense. We have been watching movies in Biology for a while now. Holla. Government exam is looming for tomorrow. That fuck is going to be deadly. There really isn't that much to tell. Damn. I need more excitement... I am currently grasping for jobs that don't grasp for me. This is upsetting. Davis-Kidd told me they would call this week, and they haven't. Damnit. I need money. Today my last check bounced. And then the bank charged three times the fucking amount of over-charging. Blah, System. So I need money. I shall be going out with Heather Saturday night, to celebrate school's end as well as Heather's birthday. And I shall have cd's for her, filled with nonsensical tunes of power and oddity. We shall see Shrek. Must be going. Grandparents have just arrived. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 17,May,2004 | Evening, all. No time to say much. I really must be fleeing away to my bed. However, two things: Heather is in DOY! I love that girl. We are poet junkies now. Second, a bittersweet passage made quickly. Moonshine Let's run away tonight, all day at school Over the telephone Quiet, so that our parents won't hear us Let's run away tonight Before you move all the way across my world And I can't fall into the classroom Tripping over my own feet While looking at your eyes Tap on my window twice, take my breath I can run to the kitchen Take the small pack of oreos (It lies on the counter) And the little red flashlight in the cabinet There you are, creeping up behind me I turn and kiss you on your lips Like a breeze And take your smooth hand in mine Creep back through the open window The stars are frozen gemstones tonight Let's run away Before I find you running to the moon. Night. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 11,May,2004 | Why is everything seeming to blow up of late? Tonight Mom's mad at me for some SAT/ACT shit that I am confusing myself on. That is more important to me than she realizes. Jesus. Everything is confusing again. I want to go to sleep and never awaken. I want to burn something. Ani. I need some Ani. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | I daresay the AP Biology exam is over. Hell yes. I am not free of evil AP exams. However, it does appear that Mrs. Wexler deems it appropriate to continue working us like Saint Bernards. Ugh. Devilish essays about personal material. Blegh. I talked to Whitney Adsit today before/after the bio exam. Apparently her horse, Ferris, will be out of commission for some time, as it tore a hunk of ligament from the back of its leg. I promised Whitney I would visit Ferris sometime this year; I plan to stick to that promise, even if that demands visiting her the day I receive my driving privelages back. I want to see Miss Adsit again. She is so lovely. Two weeks 'til school closes up, yo. I'm feeling senioritis already. Let me out of this prison, I want to start my internship. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 08,May,2004 | Okay, amigos, here we go. The evil AP Biology examination, this morning, bright and early. Let's get this junt over with. (3 egg omelettes are good brain food.) |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 08,May,2004 | Okay, AP homies...what the HELL was with essay number 2? |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 07,May,2004 | Hey, all. Jesus Christ I am the worst person in blog maintenance history. I just finished watching Save the Last Dance , which is, seriously, now one of the (my) best movies of all time. A white girl goes to New York and learns dancing from a black guy. Whilst doing so, they fall in love. Damn wonderful, and a superb anti-racism movie. And every scrap of dancing in that movie is beautiful. I should like to state, Sean Patrick Thomas is one of the coolest (is that cool to say anymore? cool?) guys (black or white) that I have seen, and Julia Stiles is so graceful and beautiful and I think I might worship her and ask her for divine dancing ability. God knows I need it. Well, maybe God doesn't know, but I know I need it. Anyone who has seen me dance knows. (Jessica, of the Rotary Council, knows. Sigh...passed opportunities). Someone teach me to dance. AP English exam from hell passed Monday, which is, incidentally, a very good thing. I'm aiming for a three. Thus, if I recieve higher, I shall be pleasantly surprised. Let's see what's next - Biology exam. On Monday. Damn. I shall be studying Sunday for that bloody thing. Especially all the 'design an experiment' shit. But the rest, I can handle fairly well. I am pretty sure that my fatigue is bettering (is that a word?). It may be from lessening the medicine from 20 to 15 mm. Or it may be from eating protein bars. Either way, I am staying awake in Biology somewhat better. Senioritis is beginning to sap my strength. Goddamnitall. I want summer. This actually sounds rather odd, but I am beginning to want to work this summer. And not necessarily for money, just as somewhat of a daily purpose. I don't want an easy job. I strangely want to work as a waiter, or something in that category. I mean, though I want money, I don't want it to be so easy to access that it becomes monotonous. And I don't want to mow yards. Not my class of work, personally, despite the loads of cash that might flow in. Davis-Kidd or Folks Folly sounds extremely appealing. This is actually a rather long post compared to recent blogging. We have some stuff coming on up in English that will be time consuming. But beyond that, the weeks until school tapers off appear somewhat clean. Let's just pass the damn exams and go to sleep. I'm ready to start working as an intern geneticist. Cheers, mortals. Let the words of wrong become the gestures of right. (What the hell did that mean?) |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 25,June,2004 | Happy birthday to me. Nya. Seventeen, finally. I'll be going out on the eighth of july to get the immediate unrestricted license (wanted to today, but it has to be one whole damn year). However, I did get to go give blood (one pint) this morning. I am now a donor, so I am happy. My blood type is likely to be O pos or O neg, being that both Mom and Dad are O positives. I got a hat this morning that I have been looking at for a while now. I also recieved the Biological Exuberance book. I shall be reading these instead of summer reading, and thus, Mrs. AP lady will destroy me. listening to: I'm a Believer by Smash Mouth (on my new Shrek CD) Holla. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 22,June,2004 | Curious thoughts: Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 20,June,2004 | 'ello. Recently returned from Jackson MS where I was enjoying a leisurely, sleepy weekend. Father's Day was fairly uneventful. I remember nothing of the trip back to Memphis for I was asleep for the entire thing, or hovering in that nether region between total unconsciousness and semi-awakeness. The second purpose of this litle trip to Jackson was my birthday celebration with my grandparents. Mi abuelita made me a vanilla bean cake spread with reaspberry/white chocolate icing. Horrible for one's health, I'm sure, but utterly delicious. I also recieved a book explaining the biological impact of nurture on the 30,000 gene sequences in the human body, as well as a Pixies CD (Trompe Le Monde). Holla. I can see why Alanna dies over Frank Black. What else is occurring? I am to tutor early in the morn and recieve moneys, so that shall be salubrious. And I recieved SAT II's scores today. Math II was a 770 out of 800, which is somewhat depressing since that places me in the 83rd percentile. Seriously, everyone passes the Math II. Also, I recieved a 790 in Molecular Biology (that'll look positive on the transcript) and an 800 in Writing (who would have believed that?). Gone. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 13,June,2004 | Oy. New layout, as you can see. This was initially Alanna's blog template. I took to it, though it does seem to smack of gothic-ness. Anyway, here 'tis. New layout, new colors, old material. Archives are evidently placed to your right, as well as links. Colored alternatives can be located at the lower pole of this blog. Profile also to your right. Keep you arms, legs, and any other appendages inside the computer, and shut that fucking cell phone off. Many people are gone for a little while. Elise has departed for Japan. Both Amber and Elizabeth are gone, but will be back by Friday, when we shall have a fun-filled day. I hope. Birthday in twelve days. I tutored this morning in Algebra, and recieved forty dollars for it. My student said he had a far more thorough understanding with my assistance. I need that money. I have yet to find an occupation. Unemployment sucks. Redid my entire room. A far more comfortable location now. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 07,June,2004 | I FOUND IT . I found the lyrics. Watch me learn them word by word: Gollum is Smegol King I is regal Basshead for the precious Smeagol fly like an eagle Precious is my bling-bling Precious gonna sing-sing Precious on my finger Nasty hobbits no sting-sting My pimp stick a missin' Redrum on a mission Don't fuck wit the Gollumses playa Playa we be fishin' Me wants it Hobbitses stole it Power to the Playa And the Gollum who controls it The Towerz are the Playaz The Towerz are the Playaz all Skills with the grooves Middle Earth have you heard the news? Gollum drop a beat that even Orcses even use Sauron and Smegol Kitty full of evil Jumpin' down to D-Town Smegol get medieval My drawers are hangin' light I'm stuffin' up my pipe Spliffin' and a splashin' I'm steppin' to the mic Gollum is Smegol King I is regal Basshead for the precious Smeagol fly like an eagle The Towerz are the Playaz The Towerz are the Playaz all. Holla out, lotr fans. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 06,June,2004 | Amber is absolutely one of the most enjoyable people on earth, in my personal opinion. She is so lovely and effusive and fun. Sadly, her parents are deeply suspicious of anyone beyond set perameters (namely, male and sixteen years), so I have practically no permission to go and steal her away. Apparently, as a 16-year male, I shall kidnap, rape, brutally murder, and quarter her and bury the spare parts beneath an apple tree. That is what they feel. Thus, I shall be visiting Amber at work tomorrow, methinks. And then she can steal me away if she wishes, because it would be a most egregious error to introduce myself to her parents (until that point in our plans is realized. Bwahaha). Today was made up of absolutely nothing. I destroyed my bunk bed and kept the futon as my new sleeping mattress. Perhaps I will be repainting it in earth tones. I also reorganized a whole lot of my room, which was utterly pointless and, thusly, without point. If that makes any sense. Amber, don't leave so soon. We shall be keeping contact until you are 18 and free once again. Then we can go to a college together and be rebellious and never return home. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 05,June,2004 | Hey peoples. This morning were the lovely SAT II's. Thank god they are over for the summer. I don't want school work for at least another two weeks. Alanna was there this morning taking the SAT I, so I got to see her and hang out for about ten minutes and sing about ice cream men. And a surprising number of familiar faces were there also: besides lovely lanna, I saw laylee, brock, elise, LA, lauren, dan ying, etc. Fun faces, I say. I needed that boost. New meds probably start tomorrow morning. The fucking pills are huge, so let's hope they are worth it. Alanna, Amber, Heather, I may be out for a week or so, because the stuff causes, apparently, spontaneous dizziness and drowsiness. Not that I am already free of dizziness already. Blegh. And I apologize if I am hostile to anyone in the next week; the meds can cause hostility to an extent for a little while. Not hungry right now, while everyone is eating my recipe of shrimp/chicken pasta. Odd. I am usually ravenous. I dunno. I want to see someone right now. Like Alanna. Let's do something Alanna. Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 04,June,2004 | New meds. Whoohoo. SAT II's are bright and early in the morning over at Ridgeway. I hope someone I am familiar with shall be engaged in these also. I want to hug someone. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 03,June,2004 | Melting pot my ass. I hate this country and its fucking close-minded policies. So many people are so goddamn blind. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 03,June,2004 | By the way, urlLink Monty Python is here . Holla |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 03,June,2004 | Amber! Why must you flee to Jackson? I shall be visiting you, mark my words. As I have said, thy departure slices part of my throat and heart from me. This morning I arose bright and early to get to my new pseudo-occupation at the Baptist Cancer Institute. It was actually quite fun: the morning opened up with a breast cancer session, followed by several hours of reading up on breast and colorectal cancer, followed at noon by a general tumor council, specifically targeting the growth of blood vessels to colon tumors. They provided lunch with the noon session. All in all, rather enjoyable. Dr. Neese and Dr. Fowler are wonderful people to work with. I have spoken to the owner of the Butcher Shop, who, incidentally, is a very good friend from our old neighborhood. He assured me that he could find some openings in several restaurants, maybe even in the Butcher SHop. A wonderful chap, Mr. Hughes. SAT II's saturday. Gag me with a butcher knife. I am overjoyed to realize I have been dreaming of late. At least, I can remember my dreams to an extent. In any case, that makes me happy. I remember that one last night included Elise, and she was driving her car. It was a happy dream, I remember that. Also, I had one today whilst I was sleeping after finishing the noon conference at Baptist. I remember I was with some female that I cannot remember at some rock concert thing, and it was exhilerating and strangely romantic and I enjoyed it immensely. I have recently broken down and purchased Echo by Miss Divine Lia Block. Have a lovely evening. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 25,July,2004 | What in hell is with the Atkin's diet? I know that it is lauded as one of the most amazing innovations of out pitiful social existence. It seems that the main idea behind it is eating whatever you want - chicken, steaks, a bowl of animal fat - as long as you avoid the carbohydrates. Thus, you could stop by McDonald's for several weeks in a row and order one hamburger, no bun, and lose twenty pounds of weight. However, though I am but a high school biology student, I think that there might be something wrong with this concept. Namely, the whole avoidance of carbohydrates. (By the way, carbohydrates translates as sugars and starch. This comes into play later.) I do think that in every, mind you, every metabolism study in bio class, the very basis of cellular respiration (human digestion and energy usage) is a carbohydrate. Specifically, a little six-carbon sugar named glucose. This molecule is responsible for unleashing most of the energy your body needs. I do not think that a full blown bio lesson is necessary right now, but I do think that some priorities need to be straightened. Where are we going to get not eating carbs, aka, one of the most important molecules in your body? Sure, you begin to look like a twig perhaps, but you also have a fucking off-balance metabolism. Let us state a biological fact: carbs are necessary for human survival. Period. If one is so anxious about eating carbohydrates, let him/her choose unrefined sugars at least. Of course you aren't wonderfully healthy on a diet of pasta; it is way too refined. Fruit sugars (carbohydrates, mind you) are unrefined. That is why they are so healthy. If you want top avoid fruits too, with their vitamins and whatnot, be my guest. It has carbs. Sorry about that. Eating vanllina ice cream with low-fat high-sugar hot fudge, thank you. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 22,July,2004 | The epitome of the homosexual vs heterosexual battle: Two friends sit in a coffee shop. One is lesbian. The other is straight. Lesbian: I think that vibrators will replace men's genitalia one day. Friend: That is a phallacy! *Friend hits Lesbian with a large dildo.* I know that made no sense at all, but I was very pleased with it. You should all proceed to this site henceforth: urlLink The Ill Will Press . Gotta love the squirrels. Especially that schizo one with the glasses. (Watch the Kevorkian scarf.) What one would say if the blog were not to public... Cheers. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 22,July,2004 | Someone must be interested in how I feel Because I'm here And I'm real... But it isn't me anymore. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 18,July,2004 | Four day countdown to the superstorm 2003 date, my companion memphians. If fate and omens play any part in this, we shall observe a second land-blown hurricane descend about our mortal ears. A tornado will peel the bark off trees and panes from windows. After such, hail shall rain with such intensity as to render roofs and walls useless, and straightline winds will sweep away the debris, the trees, and everything not duct taped down. Lightning shall light the streets with unnatural fire. And then everyone shall crawl out, those who are still alive. If fate and omens have nothing to do with it, July 22 will pass just as quietly as it would have a year ago had the storm not occurred. Wait. That seems a bit pointless to say. Oh well. Got AP scores back today. I took biology (and lab) as well as english language and composition. On both I recieved ........................... *drum roll proceeds* ..................... a five out of five. Holla out. I will be bringing this holy sheet of grades to Mrs. Wexler's evil chamber of doom and wave it in her direction, allowing the scent of success to waft into her face. Let her see that her english essays hath not smited my spirit! We shall triumph. (Eventually). Manda over in Alabama is one of the coolest people I know at the present time. I will have to see her and Amber very very soon in a bittersweet reunion of our time in Memphis. And then we will flee to college and see one another every weekend. Cheers, my fellows. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 14,July,2004 | Bastille Day! Happy aniversary of the storming of the Bastille prison in Paris in the year 1789, thus marking the beginning of the French Revolution! French food for everyone. Expecially the almond couissants from La Baguette. Hot damn. Marzipan is holy. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 09,July,2004 | First day of my new volunteering opportunity. I have chosen, to escape chores as well as to feel accomplished, to use my time at the Trezevant Manor Retirement Community (where, incidentally, my father is one of the top directors. But that has nothing to do with this). The good thing about Trezevant is that all the residents love anyone young and take instantly to them (many times). The staff is actually really happy with some new faces too. The bad thing is that you can't always understand what the residents are saying. Tanya and Siberia, two of the staff members, are cool and absolutely hysterical. I think they appreciate my help. Distracting the residents and whatnot. We actually went to Cracker Barrel today and had much fun at our own table. I woke up Miles from her nap after volunteering. I am such an ass. Well, I'll make it up to her. With ice cream. Ice cream always makes everything better. Not much else is happening. Amber still needs to come back to Memphis. Her cousin Amanda should come too. We will flee this little circle of inferno to somewhere grander, like Nashville. Hot tub party in the Ritz, ladies and gentlemen. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 05,July,2004 | Alanna is home , so you should bring her tribute and lay it at her feet. She sings like a muse, I swear to god. Even though she denies it vehemently. Gah. Future music career for that girl, methinks. I can see it happening. She'll be on the cd's front cover. Swinging is flying. Alanna and Brock and I are elementary students with wings forever. Alanna and I were married in midair. If only I had a brain. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 02,July,2004 | Uma Thurman is soo pretty. Gattaca, Kill Bill, and Paycheck. Three movies and in all three Uma is so lovely and pretty. I think that she has hips similar to Laylee. But she has replaced Natalie Portman as my favorite actress. The favorite actor still goes either to Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom. Currently talking to Manda, Amber's cousin. I think Manda is cute and lovely and sweet. By the way, Amber moved across the fucking state last night. This is bullshit. We're on the edge of her goddamn senior year. Ladies, we're having a senior party in Nashville when we turn 18. At a hotel. In the hot tub. Mocking our parents. About to watch once upon a time in mexico . Depp depp depp depp... Gone folks. |
1,429,060 | male | 17 | Student | Cancer | 01,July,2004 | Radio is one of those movies that always makes me want to crawl into the fetal position while watching it. It is very good and emotional and extremely well done. One should watch it for the purpose of having that experience. PPV or Blockbuster. Choose one. There is a lady who works at the pharmacy who is well past my age. She has pale skin and black curly hair and this wonderful smile that she gives to everyone; quite attractive. I think I have a crush on her. This, however, is a bad thing, for, as I stated, she is in her mid-thirties, whereas I am but an adolescent. Damn age barrier. Searching for a companion...and still unsuccessful. I am so ready for college to steal me away right now. Bloody senior year of high school. I am ready to escape this drab city for other locales. And other possibilities for lifestyles. Zoe is one of the most precious people I know. Wonderful and adorable. The internship today was lethargic. All morning I was half asleep, whilst sorting files of patients and trying to find if this woman recieved genetic counseling or totally ignored the cancer institute's calls. However, Dr. Fowler (director of Dept. of Genetics at Baptist and my employer) used my information on his rare disease presentation. A special rush of energy for seeing that. Dr. Neese (Dr. Fowler's co-worker person) and I made fun of Dr. Fowler while he was presenting. In front of the research nurses and oncologists. Sorry about that, Dr. I need sleep. Check-up tomorrow. First time in about six years. Cheers and dream quiet dreams. |
3,463,044 | female | 37 | indUnk | Pisces | 26,May,2004 | I've decided that I need to write. Like drinking water or getting sleep, it's something I have to do. I am better when I put words down, and while I prefer the act of longhand on paper, I'm going to try this medium in order to hopefully do it more frequently, more consistently, and more creatively than I have been able to do until now. My spiral notebooks have become coloring books for Mackenzie and scratch paper for David. The computer is safe, for now, and the idea that the blog is out there, even if no one knows about it (at least not yet), will compel me to write and add notes. What I plan to write about is completely up in the air. My husband, my kids, my life, what I hear and see and read, what I do or don't do, it's all food for the writer in me that I hope to channel into something productive via this medium. |
3,463,044 | female | 37 | indUnk | Pisces | 17,June,2004 | Apologies to all, but only stay-at-home Moms (or Dads) are going to get this column. I mean no disrespect to the many working parents out there, I used to be one, too. And I know you're with your kids on the weekends, but you're just not going to get this column. I have two kids, nine and three. David is from my first marriage, and consequently has some stuff to deal with, which has gotten easier as he's gotten older. Suddenly, in the last three weeks or so, the maturity level has gone up a couple of notches. Don't get me wrong, his room's still a mess, I get the eye roll at bed time, I still can't figure out how the water gets out of the shower when there are two shower curtains to keep it in the tub, etc., but he's become attentive, doesn't argue as much, accepts direction and finishes a project before moving on, I'm almost sad (I said almost ), I think he's growing up right before my eyes. Mackenzie is my three year old and from my second marriage. She is amazing to watch because she is so much like my husband and I, throwing back my own words at me can be sometimes hard to hear. Her preschool teachers constantly tell me that sometimes they forget she's three because she articulates her thoughts so well. She idolizes her big brother and he adores her, but they are brother and sister, and when that fact comes into play, it can be ugly. David is home for the summer, school has been out for a couple of weeks now. Mackenzie is in preschool three days a week, mornings only. So today I had both kids home this morning. David had day camp at school at 9:30 a.m, the same time Mackenzie had her swimming lesson across town (Mom didn't have her organizer with her when she scheduled this mess). It therefore was imperative that we leave our house clean, dressed, and fed by 8:40 a.m. No one wanted to get up, no one wanted to get dressed, no one liked my breakfast choices. St. Vincent de Paul was coming by to pick up the remnants of the garage sale leftover for donation, and I needed to get that stuff out of the garage and leave it up front for them to pick up. The dog and parrot both needed attention. And for some reason, today was the day my phones started ringing at 8:00 a.m. David has pulled himself together and I ask him to get himself and his sister in the car. Mackenzie is all over the driveway, running from flies (our newest fear) and not getting in the car. David has made the valiant attempt and I tell him not to worry about it, I'll handle her. At the precise moment he decides to swing the door closed, Mackenzie decides she better cooperate. Her hand didn't get caught, there were no broken bones, but she did get some skin scraped on the edge of her finger. She proceeded to cry about her finger for the next four and a half hours -- all the way to David's school (20 minute ride). All the way to the YMCA (25 minute ride). Through the entire swimming lesson (30 minute class). Over to dad's office (20 minute ride). At dad's office (a very quick ten minutes). Back to pick up David (35 minute ride) and drop him off at a friends house (10 minutes). (Now here I must interject the next piece of good fortune. At dad's office, we utilized part of our visit in the bathroom, she is fully potty trained and I haven't carried a diaper bag or a change of clothes in at least six months. As she went to the bathroom, I noticed she had what I'll call RB (short for Runny Butt, I'm sure you get the idea). I'm surprised, she hasn't had RB in a while, and I'm chalking it up to the fact that she's made herself so upset this morning. I've tried a variety of things at this point to distract her from her pain and get her to smile and nothing is working.) After the friends house, I decide to take Mackenzie to a local park close to the friends house, thinking I won't have to make the big loop around when I pick David up in a couple of hours. It was hot, so I decided to take Mackenzie to an ice cream store, counting on the sugar to give her energy at the park and make her happy and give Mom a break because the last nerve was about ready to blow. She smiled. Things were good. Just as the ice cream got to the table, we had major RB. She lost it again. I haul her into the bathroom and survey the damage. It couldn't have been much worse. I had baby wipes but that was it, no change of clothes, no diapers or underwear, and she's screaming the whole time. Chucked the underwear in the trash, not salvageable given my current situation. Washed out the pants from the inside, had her put them back on, and I slid baby wipes and paper towels around her bottom. Cleaned up the bathroom as best I could. Got my drink to go, left her ice cream (more screaming) and back home we went (25 minute ride). Changed her at home, caught my breath for five minutes and back for David we went (25 minute ride). Picked David up and now it was time to take him to his dad's house, he's there every Thursday (35 minute ride to dad's). Poor David, he pretty much sucked up to his sister every time he saw her, and she still wanted nothing to do with him -- he tried singing to her, making funny faces at her, telling her jokes, I felt bad when he reached for her hand and tried to kiss it and make it better, she completely blew him off. As I walked him to his dad's door, I told him not to worry about it, she'd be better tomorrow when he saw her. Let's hope that wasn't an extreme stretch of the truth. When kids have diarrhea, the things you worry about most is dehydration. You've got to keep the fluids going down their throat, the idea is to get the fluids in faster than they come out. Of course, the job is twice as hard when they don't want to take them in at all. By 3:00 p.m., I was on my way to the doctor's office, she just wasn't right, the constant crying was starting to worry me even though it didn't sound like the pain cry, it was definitely the wimpy cry, but nonetheless, it was time. And going in to it I knew there was no medicine I could give her, nothing to stop the RB, but I had to try something. She blew twice while we were there. (Thank goodness I picked up a change of clothes.) While the doctor told me lots of stuff I already knew, he did mention something I didn't. Since he figured out her particular case is viral, he said it would be contagious and adults could get the same thing, but in a much milder form. Hmmmm, double extra hand washing for me. Called the husband to tell him what was going on, and was told he had left a little early, had said he was feeling a little tired and run down. Hmmmm, he hadn't mentioned that to me when I talked to him earlier in the day. We got home, and there he was lying down on the bed, said he didn't know why he didn't feel so good. I did. Why do I direct this column at those stay at home parents? Because this was one of those days that all these things were going to get done and not a darn thing got accomplished. Now the health and well being of my child is paramount and my life can go to hell as long as my kids are OK. But what was shaping up to be a good day fell apart so quickly. My laundry is still on the floor. The dishwasher is still loaded with clean dishes and the sink has dirty ones in it. My kitchen floor is, well, let's not talk about my kitchen floor, OK? My coupons are still on the table waiting to be cut and sorted and my bed didn't even get made this morning (but I don't think the husband cared when he came home and rolled into it) and I didn't even cook dinner today (again, not high on Keith's priorites right now). I know I didn't do a damn thing today and I feel guilty and useless. So it was a surprise when David called me from his dad's, to see how Mackenzie was feeling and to thank me for taking him over to his friend's house today. And Mackenzie announced to her dad that she didn't want him right now, she wanted Mom because I had taken care of her all day. I went to bed thinking I had done a good job for today after all. And maybe if I get up extra early before she wakes up I can unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry, etc. And if she wakes up early, well then we'll just cuddle in Mom and Dad's bed for awhile. |
3,463,044 | female | 37 | indUnk | Pisces | 16,June,2004 | We had a garage sale this past Saturday and I'm happy to say we netted about $450 for a day's work. We have one every couple of years when there's too much stuff and not enough room. I'm sure as my kids get older the frequency will diminish, right now my kids are still young enough where we're trading up (crib for twin bed, big dresser giving way to smaller dresser plus desk, etc.), and my house is overrun with the small things of infancy and we're almost through toddlerhood at this point, so from time to time the expulsion of all these once needed necessitiies is paramount to ramaining sane. David had 343 remote control objects of various sizes and shapes, how many can a single person control with just one pair of hands? (David's original answer -- 343. His revised answer after my anger started fogging up his glasses from three feet away -- 342). Mackenzie had so many young child toys, stuff she got on her own merits plus some of the good ones I saved from David little kid days, they were everywhere. I had kitchen paraphernalia I don't have a chance to use anymore, Keith had a bunch of really nice polo style shirts with lots of big names on them, but since we've been working out his shoulders and arms don't fit in them anymore, plus other stuff that was once vital and alive, but now gathers dust waiting to be used again. The decision to discard one's own stuff can be either heartbreaking or made without a second thought. Some of the kid's stuff was easy to put in the discard pile. Some brought back memories of a child's face, lit up like Las Vegas, and for just a minute, you think if you hang on to the item, you'll hang onto the look on that child's face, maybe you can bring back a better time, a happier time, an easier time, you choose the adjective. Coming to the realization that it's just stuff, and the past is just memories can be hard to deal with. Then you have to price the stuff, and it's agony again as you try to put a value on your memories, or worse, a value on your taste. Five dollars for that! I paid thirty dollars seven years ago when it was new and before everybody and their brother had one! I told David that whatever he contributed to the garage sale would be his money if it sold, but if I pulled items from his room and I sold them, the money would be mine. Even my nine year old suffered from the stress of his decision making, I could hear him rationalizing about the train he got for Christmas that year, or how that car was his favorite gift from his dinosaur themed birthday party. In the end, he did contribute about a dozen items, in a range of sizes and shapes and ultimately made $16. I'm not much of a garage sale shopper myself. There's a time constraint involved, plus the fact that I can't do much shopping with a nine and three year old around, it puts the damper on shopping of any kind. When I lived in Southern California, a garage sale might net a great Disney find, or a piece of transferware to add to my collection. Here in Idaho, the chances of that Disney find are more rare, and while I might be able to find something of value worth my time, it's not high on my list right now. I wanted to sell my stuff Saturday morning, but it was a great way to watch people for awhile. Watch and see what they were looking for, watch them and see them criticize my stuff, and then of all the injustices, watch them as they turned their nose up at my valuable stuff. What do they seek among my discarded memories? I watch them and wonder -- what are they looking for? Are they trying to replace something they once had? Are they looking for a more inexpensive version of something? Having been on the extremely tight and fixed budget at one point in my life, I can certainly understand shopping with quarters and dimes, but was still taken aback when I actually saw my former self buying a small toy for a child. A two dollar toy with one dollar being scraped out of the ashtray holder in her car. I used to do the same thing for french fries for my child, and often couldn't scrape the lousy 99 cents together. And it wasn't that my child needed french fries everyday, but I wanted to be able to provide them. I took her money and put the toy in a bag for her, and as she was leaving I offered a couple of cookies to her child, who eagerly shot out a hand. They were cookies that I was selling, a quarter a piece. As she went to stop her child (she had seen the sign), I told her if it was OK with her, it was OK with me, it's hard to say no to a child and I had been giving them away to kids all morning long. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part, but I think she understood I had been there once, too, and let her child take the cookies. My husband said he thought I was going to just give her the toy. I told him that I wouldn't haven't robbed her pride from her for anything. To me it was a two dollar toy, but that child needed to see his Mom buy that toy and hand it to him, and she needed to buy it and give it to him. He was so happy in the back seat of his car, clutching his new toy and wiping cookie crumbs from his face. A simple reminder that one person's trash is another's treasure. That toy brought my daughter joy and I'm glad to see it continues to do it's job elsewhere. |
3,463,044 | female | 37 | indUnk | Pisces | 05,June,2004 | I suffer from migraines. I have since I was about sixteen. So seeing as I'm well into over twenty years with them, I consider myself an expert on the subject. I've read everything I can get my hands on about them, I know all about the latest pharmaceutical inventions in order to seek relief, I have a personal list of how and sometimes why I get them, and how to deal with them when they attack. And yet with all my knowledge about them, and even what produces migraines in my own head, I still suffer their agony. Sometimes, the pain is on one side of my head, sometimes it's the other. It can be in the front or in the back of my head. And that is where the differences end. My migraines are always an unrelenting throbbing pain, I literally can hear the pounding inside my head echoing through my ears. And while I wait to see if my medication will do me the favor of easing my pain, I assume gymnastic positions in order to put pressure on the offending part of my head. I'm in the dark, because the most miniscule drop of light on my eyes is nothing short of blade-like steel being pushed through my brain. My eyes are closed, I pull a blanket over my head, bury my face in the pillow, and yet I still see light -- damn that knife! The medications are at once wonderful and frightening. I remember when I could take one Vicodin and blissfully sleep for twelve hours on just the smell of the drug alone; now, I take two Vicodin and stay awake long enough to feel the headache burner get turned down from scorch to simmer before I sleep for a couple of hours. I've been through a handful of drugs to help in easing my pain, some didn't work for me at all, some worked great until my body refused to allow them to do their job. My body, rejecting what could save it from the headache inferno, deciding instead to suffer the pain until something better comes along. At times, I am powerless, and I must seek the attention of someone with more power than I have, someone who can give me what I need and quickly. The doctors string me out often enough, having me answer their stupid questions (can't they see I am an expert in the suffering of migraine headaches?) before giving me the relief I seek. Their medicines are much better now, I feel the immediate effects of tranquility and know that when I wake later there will be no drug hangover for three days. Why do I write about my migraines? Because I had one yesterday, a small headache that ibuprofen had no effect on, which through the course of the day started developing into something that could have undermined my plans for the weekend. I was at the point of the second to last step, when thankfully my medicine decided I had had enough for today and slowly eased its way back to wherever it is it comes from. And I think about my migraines and wonder why. Why did yesterday's migraine retreat after just a minor skirmish? Why didn't it stay and fight, like it has so many other times, and win? Did my body have something in it yesterday it didn't have before, something that turned it into a killing machine against the headache ravage? If so, can I figure out what it was and bottle it, to save for the next attack? What possible use could there be for having a migraine headache? |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 23,June,2004 | I've decided to stay off tomorrow and on Friday. I went in today and there were like 100 people there out of about 1000. It was seriosuly the most boring day ever. Has anyone been watching Big Brother? I hope it's Vanessa who gets chucked out. She is so full of herself. Listening To : Ride With Me by The Vines Browsing : urlLink Habbo Forum |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 22,June,2004 | Only 3 days until the summer holidays start for us up in Scotland, (some parts anyway)! School is pretty boring this week though for obvious reasons. Everyone seems to think that yesterday was the last day before the summer holidays, lol. The most I had in my class today was... about 7 people which sucked. All the classes sucked so badly! Anyway tomorrow should be even worse :P Listening To : Wonderboy by Tenacious D |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 13,June,2004 | Ugghh! Back to school tomorrow. Another week of absolute shit. Including, yep you guessed it, more french! Including a test which I haven't revised for at all so that should be interesting lol. I mean don't get me wrong not all of school is as boring as french...actually wait.....it is. I went into town today and realised how different London is. I had went to London a few weeks ago and what a change! I mean theres obviously going to be a change but this was huge. It was packed and everyone was everywhere and then when I went into town today it felt like it was empty. Even though I really liked London I wouldn't want to live there (couldn't afford it either lol!) because of how packed it is. Listening To - Find The Colour by Feeder |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 11,June,2004 | Well fist post on this blog, and its a angry one. I'm tototally pissed off. I canno't get a php naviagtion to work on my site. It is jsut totally buggered. Aww well =[ |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 11,June,2004 | Hii. Yay, I finally joined the blog. ^_^ Anyways I just thought I'd say hi before I have to rush off for a week to the bahamas. So I'll keep writing when I get back. Byee :D |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 11,June,2004 | Lol....just lol. |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 10,June,2004 | Hellooooooooooooo this is me and thats you :O amazing anyway hello don't know what to say ;( so bye bye xx |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 10,June,2004 | Hey again, sorry for posting so regularly ;o. I'm real annoyed with my computer 'cos it's so slow and it just won't run. Zone Alarm is messing it up, to cordless mouse is screwed up, and so is blogger, god dammit. An athsmatic (sp) ant carrying very heavy shopping could go faster. Well, farewell for now. Take care! |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 10,June,2004 | Hey everyone! To start, my first quote today is: ' Eat my shorts! ' - Bart Simpson My recommendation for today is: Metallica - For Whom the Bell Tolls That about wraps up my post. Bye for now, and take care of your selves! |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 10,June,2004 | Today was the worst day this week. It's the most boring day at school, I get all the shit subjects including French which I absolutely HATE. The teachers all 'yes Mark but you could do better' which really annoys me. He never actually tells anyone they have done good work when they have. He's the crappest teacher I have. Anyway back to the rest of the day..lemme think....uggh I've got my paper round to do tonight which I can't be bothered to do at all. It's not like I get good pay for it either... Listening To : Mr Brightside by The Killers |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 10,June,2004 | Hey again everyone! I have just heard the best playlist ever! It's mine obvoisly. Here goes: 1. Toto - Africa 2. Jan Hammer - Crockett's Theme 3. Mr Mister - Broken Wings 4. Aneka - Japanese Boy 5. Cutting Crew - Died In Your Arms Tonight 6. Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star Splendid! Don't you think? On to other subjects, I have just spilt permenant marker ink all over my homework, dammit. Bye (again) for now. |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 09,June,2004 | The BBC is full of talent....*cough*suuuurrreee*cough*. Anyways hello and welcome to my milestone seond post :P It's absolutely pouring it down here but thats not any different from every other day here in Scotland, lol. It always rains here :( Is anybody else out there listening to the Killers? I downloaded a few of their songs (Mr Brightside, Smile Like You Mean It & Somebody Told Me) and I love them! They're not like all the usual 'rock' bands that you see around these days. For one they can actually sing, lol. |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 09,June,2004 | The BBC is awful, dude. How can you call anything that comes off that 'talent'? The closest you get to talent are Shane Richie and Chris Parker (I like those two) There's always fat Kat who eats Alfie's breakfast, the greedy moose. Anyway, back on to my daily post. My first quote of this week will be: Shut up you weird, pathetic people - Maurice Chavez, GTA Vice City My first song reccomendation is: Metallica - Fade to black That about wraps up my second post. Bye for now! |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 09,June,2004 | Another talented BBC production :P... |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 08,June,2004 | Hoorah. Let me warn you before I get started that I am highly contageous, so read my posts or else I will pass you the flu. :) (joke) I will be giving you random tidbits and quotes to figure out now and again, and telling you about life in Birmingham. Thanks, Orbie |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 04,June,2004 | Hey everyone welcome to me and Orbie's blog :) |
3,579,048 | male | 14 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 04,June,2004 | Yep, I'm back. Sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately you know the story, nothing much happening. Anyway I'm back so there should be more updates more often from me :) |
3,535,782 | male | 25 | Banking | Capricorn | 07,June,2004 | Right now, I'm in a room with someone. A very goodlooking guy with a nice body to match his face. He's sleeping and I can't do anything about it. Oh well, that's life. |
3,535,782 | male | 25 | Banking | Capricorn | 06,June,2004 | I'm not a perfect person There's many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is You [x4] I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you -Hoobastank |
3,535,782 | male | 25 | Banking | Capricorn | 05,June,2004 | If you wanna let your heat out, then go to one of the moviehouses at Quiapo and definitely someone will sit beside you and ask you if you want sex. Believe me, it happened to me last week and whoah! I was invited instantly to go outside the moviehouse and go somewhere private. I won't go through the details of what happened but I'm telling you it was hot! |
3,535,782 | male | 25 | Banking | Capricorn | 04,June,2004 | I just slept 4 hours. Maybe it's just the airconditioning unit, or it's just that I'm not at home. Well, you know I'm not at home right now. I'm somewhere else and I'm not used to sleeping at somebody else's house. |
3,535,782 | male | 25 | Banking | Capricorn | 04,June,2004 | This is my first post and I don't know what to put here. I'm just making a blog in the hope that google would give me a gmail account so that I can change the email I used in yahoo with that of google because of the immense storage capacity. |
3,712,719 | female | 23 | indUnk | Scorpio | 30,June,2004 | It's a good thing the police didn't catch me doing this! Haha! |
3,712,719 | female | 23 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,June,2004 | Okay, so i lied! I pretended i am going to the provincial job fair, even if i wasn't really assigned. Sue me if you like, but i think the house is too crowded for me. And my usual quiet mornings are disrupted by rants of my mother. So, i am going away for a break. I'll be with my favorite buddy/lover: Mendel. |
3,712,719 | female | 23 | indUnk | Scorpio | 29,June,2004 | If the office is airconditioned, naturally, it is enclosed. If it is enclosed, one sneeze could generate virus. A virus in an enclosed space easily spreads. The virus spreads at 150 km/hr, 27 x7; The virus that spreads starts a chain. Like ebola, but not as worse. Every week someone gets the virus. Unfortunately, i wasn't spared. |
3,712,719 | female | 23 | indUnk | Scorpio | 28,June,2004 | I woke up at the wrong side of the bed. I'm a such a loser when it comes to hiding money. Today, i discovered that my dad deliberately went and scavenged into my personal belongings in search of...money. Well, it didn't take him long to find it. Naturally, my reaction is to get pissed. Why? because it's invasion of privacy. Really,the purpose of me doing so is that i need to save up to buy myself things, shall we say, personal money to buy personal belongings. But that doesn't mean that i'm very shrewd or selfish when it comes to that. Hangang sa makakaya ko, ibibigay ko naman e. My mom tried to defend my father saying ' it is in this time that you should start giving back what we had given you. ' I got surprised. And i took it in deep. Wow. Is that really the purpose why she had us go to good schools? So that, in due time, we pay them back? Because, had i known that all along, i would've chosen to go to a public school or somewhere with lower standards, or better yet, gone away at a younger age and forgot about school. I thought that the whole reason of parents having their kids go to school and finish college is for us to learn to make it on our own. To be able to survive for ourselves and not depend on them, because everyone gets older and weaker, sooner or later, they wouldn't be there for us anymore. I'm not selfish with money. I'll give them whats due them. I take care of my sister's necessities. Isn't that enough? Wouldn't it been much better or much pleasing if they knew that i did it out of my own will? Isn't it much better that i bring in the groceries every payday than nothing at all? The problem with my parents is that they tend to squeeze out more from what i could really give. I really didn't like that - the whole 'stealing' of my money; the whole invasion of privacy; the whole ' it is in this time that you should start giving back what we had given you.' And to make things much worse, pretended nothing happened. I work hard because i have plans for myself. Later on today, after leaving the house in such a sour mood, their was a tight commotion inside the bus that i was riding on. Apparently, a passenger had complained about the driver's driving skills. Driver takes it bad and hits the passenger in the face. And i had ringside seats to watch that boxing match. *sigh* Again, i woke up at the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe because its Tuesday. BAD Tuesday!! *spank* Bad, bad, tuesday!! *spank**spank* |
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