Datasets:

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innovation-hacking2

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shitposting_dataset5

like 0

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron.." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes", ">\n\nMy advice for people who struggle socially is: don’t try too hard" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes", ">\n\nMy advice for people who struggle socially is: don’t try too hard", ">\n\nI used to be turbo akward. Had massive social anxiety. Was very concerned with being normal. \nNow I just don't give a fuck and act super weird. I be my self an I love it. The outcome is I'm now super charasmatic and funny. It serves me very well professionally, socially and romantically. \nNormal is fucking boring. People don't like boring. Be an unapologetic fucking weirdo and people will love you." ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes", ">\n\nMy advice for people who struggle socially is: don’t try too hard", ">\n\nI used to be turbo akward. Had massive social anxiety. Was very concerned with being normal. \nNow I just don't give a fuck and act super weird. I be my self an I love it. The outcome is I'm now super charasmatic and funny. It serves me very well professionally, socially and romantically. \nNormal is fucking boring. People don't like boring. Be an unapologetic fucking weirdo and people will love you.", ">\n\nI fall into this because often times I will make friends and they will tell me they thought I was \"weird\" in the beginning. If I can describe myself I'd say I'm Wednesday Addams without any homicidal thoughts.. for the most part.. just kidding.. I think as long as you have good intentions and are not being invasive, your weird will be accepted and embraced.\nI've met a few true \"weird\" folks and even my weird self was like yeah no I will not make eye contact with these people ever again. So socially inept to the point that it even weirded me out.\nEdit: Hmmm honestly not understanding the downvotes but such is life" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes", ">\n\nMy advice for people who struggle socially is: don’t try too hard", ">\n\nI used to be turbo akward. Had massive social anxiety. Was very concerned with being normal. \nNow I just don't give a fuck and act super weird. I be my self an I love it. The outcome is I'm now super charasmatic and funny. It serves me very well professionally, socially and romantically. \nNormal is fucking boring. People don't like boring. Be an unapologetic fucking weirdo and people will love you.", ">\n\nI fall into this because often times I will make friends and they will tell me they thought I was \"weird\" in the beginning. If I can describe myself I'd say I'm Wednesday Addams without any homicidal thoughts.. for the most part.. just kidding.. I think as long as you have good intentions and are not being invasive, your weird will be accepted and embraced.\nI've met a few true \"weird\" folks and even my weird self was like yeah no I will not make eye contact with these people ever again. So socially inept to the point that it even weirded me out.\nEdit: Hmmm honestly not understanding the downvotes but such is life", ">\n\nTelling people that you’re Wednesday Adams is essentially telling that that you’re a special, unique, interesting person. But in reality you don’t get to decide if you’re interesting or special. You get to be happy with who you are (hopefully) and other people decide if you’re interesting or special. \nr/notliketheothergirls - while it’s surely not meant to, from most people it reads as “I’m more unique than the rest of you, and my slightly weird interests are more valid and depth-ish than the boring people who like foot balls or popular movies.”" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes", ">\n\nMy advice for people who struggle socially is: don’t try too hard", ">\n\nI used to be turbo akward. Had massive social anxiety. Was very concerned with being normal. \nNow I just don't give a fuck and act super weird. I be my self an I love it. The outcome is I'm now super charasmatic and funny. It serves me very well professionally, socially and romantically. \nNormal is fucking boring. People don't like boring. Be an unapologetic fucking weirdo and people will love you.", ">\n\nI fall into this because often times I will make friends and they will tell me they thought I was \"weird\" in the beginning. If I can describe myself I'd say I'm Wednesday Addams without any homicidal thoughts.. for the most part.. just kidding.. I think as long as you have good intentions and are not being invasive, your weird will be accepted and embraced.\nI've met a few true \"weird\" folks and even my weird self was like yeah no I will not make eye contact with these people ever again. So socially inept to the point that it even weirded me out.\nEdit: Hmmm honestly not understanding the downvotes but such is life", ">\n\nTelling people that you’re Wednesday Adams is essentially telling that that you’re a special, unique, interesting person. But in reality you don’t get to decide if you’re interesting or special. You get to be happy with who you are (hopefully) and other people decide if you’re interesting or special. \nr/notliketheothergirls - while it’s surely not meant to, from most people it reads as “I’m more unique than the rest of you, and my slightly weird interests are more valid and depth-ish than the boring people who like foot balls or popular movies.”", ">\n\nOr they could find Wednesday relatable because they are an autistic coded character" ]

[ "This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.\nRemember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not \"thoughts had in the shower!\"\n(For an explanation of what a \"showerthought\" is, please read this page.)\nRule-breaking posts may result in bans.", ">\n\nI have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language, not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes, non verbal communication, acting classes, psychology, sociology, social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly, is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. \nYes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh. Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.\nThose few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. \nKeep at it - even when it hurts.\n\nThank you all for the upvotes, thoughtful opinions, empathy, personal stories, and sharing!", ">\n\nIn my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need.", ">\n\nYeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test.", ">\n\nIt seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.\nI'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude.", ">\n\nTrue. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people. He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.\nHire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe.", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets", ">\n\nIt's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow.", ">\n\nYeah this is very situation dependent. \nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\nI get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting.", ">\n\n\nIf I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.\n\nYeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the \"weird\" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say \"you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried.\"\nI always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.\nAnyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening.", ">\n\nHahaha wtf are you on about.", ">\n\nYou make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further?", ">\n\nThe way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.\nHow you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.\nHang your head in shame.", ">\n\nLol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar.", ">\n\nHaha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke.", ">\n\nI wish I could say the same for you.", ">\n\nIt has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts", ">\n\nI was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.\nPeople with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills.", ">\n\nFresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like \"yeah man it happened to me the other day\" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him.", ">\n\nI see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing.", ">\n\n\nand you can mirror their energy \nthe person is very extroverted \n\nMy social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯", ">\n\nAs an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.\nI just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me.", ">\n\nGood people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people.", ">\n\n“We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss", ">\n\nDr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love", ">\n\nEnlighten me, please", ">\n\nCheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer", ">\n\nAaaand then she killed herself", ">\n\nWith the cancer, or did she find another way?", ">\n\nOD'ed on barbiturates", ">\n\nJust today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. \nI really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum", ">\n\nDon't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood.", ">\n\nThat would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son", ">\n\nThere's a difference between \"dorky innocent\" weird and \"I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person\" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.\nEdit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps.", ">\n\nI think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says \"don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing\" without explaining what the bad thing is.\nIt would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as \"betas\", \"chads\", \"liberal/conservative\", or \"woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention\". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.\nIf you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.\nHope this captures your thoughts in more detail.", ">\n\nSee one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley", ">\n\n\nHumans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley\n\nSource?\nWhat I find on wikipedia:\n\nIn aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.\n\nResponse in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?\nI'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/\"uncanny\".\nThere are other criticisms on wikipedia.\nDo you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so.", ">\n\nI made it up that's your source", ">\n\n\nI made it up that's your source\n\nGotcha. Thanks for being honest.", ">\n\nI hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. \nPeople say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going.", ">\n\nDon't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so.", ">\n\nI don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward.", ">\n\nHey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.\nI hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3", ">\n\nTrue. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. \nAs an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be \"normal\". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there!", ">\n\n\nUnfortunately a lot them drifted away\n\nIn case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even \"neurotypical\" people and friendships", ">\n\nWhen I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way.", ">\n\nWe need more people like you", ">\n\nGood people recognize that \"weird\" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries", ">\n\nI disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person", ">\n\nNetworking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).\nPeople that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. \nIf you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate.", ">\n\nAll skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself.", ">\n\nThis is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals.", ">\n\nMore like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason.", ">\n\ni fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in", ">\n\nSame. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as \"childish\". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening.", ">\n\nYeah this is me too as well", ">\n\nYes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others.", ">\n\nIt has nothing to do with being good or bad. People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive. Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea.", ">\n\nOP is just saying \"I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying.\"", ">\n\nWhich is not a shower thought", ">\n\nRemember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you.", ">\n\nThat isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.\nAlso, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.\nI really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal.", ">\n\nYea the \"too worried about themselves to judge you\" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others instantly.\nHumans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you", ">\n\nSo real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.\nLikewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself.", ">\n\nOkay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.\nI'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks.", ">\n\nI'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am.", ">\n\nNo matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise", ">\n\nHonestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip", ">\n\nNo one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you.", ">\n\nbasically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter", ">\n\nThe point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.", ">\n\nYou like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.", ">\n\nThis is going to sound stupid, but thanks for this. I went to a party last night and all I've been thinking about is my Mom since she died suddenly in July. I'm sure I sounded pretty weird.", ">\n\nI am sorry for your loss, glad this helped", ">\n\nYeahh, then my autistic ass hasn't met very many \"good people\" people usually are put off by my inability to mask. I'm awkward but attempt to be outgoing, and they give me insanely weird looks and try to brush me off.", ">\n\nApologies if this comes off as offensive, but does autism also make you care less what other people think about you? I would have thought that was a related social trait that might perhaps decline in hand with the ability to socialise ‘normally’.", ">\n\nAutistic/neurodivergent ppl tend to care much more what other people think of them in my experience. But it’s different for everybody.", ">\n\nI think we care a lot more because we are criticized a lot more, ever since we’re young children. Other kids intuitively know we’re different because of our reduced social skills, and reduced ability to fit in. I think the neurotypical response to this is to bully us (to varying degrees, some harmless jokes to full on abuse) into acting normal. Basically pointing out our flaws and being like, that’s not okay. I think it’s actually well meaning, because it’s a weird way people try to get someone to conform to the group. \nThis is where masking comes in, and the intense caring about what other people think. So that we don’t get further harm done to us. But we will never truly fit in, because our brains are physically different, so our behavior will always be different. So only a small percentage of those that mask will do it so we’ll as to appear completely normal, and most of us will slip, and some of us will stand out entirely.", ">\n\nI have to go do bids to build things for people.. which means human interaction. I often wonder how many jobs I never got because of some social slip up I didn’t catch…", ">\n\nNow if only I could recognise good people recognising my effort so I didn't feel like an absolute moron..", ">\n\nDebatable take. The term \"weird\" has levels to it. But I will agree that people who are considered less outspoken and shy could make create sympathy.", ">\n\nWell usually “weird” is just people with adhd or autism", ">\n\nYeah... I've not met many good people lately if this is the case.\nAs a 30 year old, pasty white, semi fit balding guy with a shaved head and mildly shitty beard. NO one has expected me to be as awkward/weird as I am.\nI sweat at the first sign of awkwardness because the other person is failing to read me, which is highlighted by my dazzlingly white bald head (which I'm accurely aware of, causing more stress/anxiety).\nI stutter because I'm trying to change my monotonic and naturally boring voice to sound more approachable and exciting (without purposely trying to mind you).\nI wait for a response to the jumble that just came out of my mouth, or I ramble on because the jumble made no sense so I then try to explain the jumble which leads to a ramble (which I am also acutely aware of, causing more sweating/stress/anxiety).\nSo by the end of it, I have some poor girl who works at the gym whom I'm attempting to ask if she's seen an airpods case laying around in the area, staring blankly at me, not responding, with a look on her face as if to say, \"please get the fuck away from me\".\nI hate myself, walk away in shame, without my airpods case and cry in the car on the way home.\nNot her or anyone else's fault but my own. \nI know that though and I'm not out here trying to blame anyone else for my own insecurities, it just fucken sucks really badly feeling like this sometimes.", ">\n\nHave you ever been evaluated for autism? Because you're describing trying to mask to a T. I didn't get diagnosed until 31 and a loooottttt of things suddenly made sense.", ">\n\nI don’t want people to know but when people figure out how socially anxious I am it’s like a huge weight is lifted off me", ">\n\nI used to be an introvert before. Then, three years ago I tried switching into an extrovert as a personality experiment. \nWorked out pretty well for me tbh.\nDeep down, still an introvert, so I need at least one day per week with a bag of chips and a tv show to recharge. \nBut overall, the switch has helped me a lot personally and professionally. If anybody needs any tips, let me know!", ">\n\nMe to mate,\nI can pretend to be an extrovert but it is so draining. Once back alone, I just want to put my feet up and sip a beer", ">\n\nI'm trying to socialize on this forum. But I can never post here, no matter how original or abstract my thought. Are there any similar groups that aren't so tight arse ?", ">\n\nr/CasualConversation might work for you - just people having a chat about whatever is on their mind", ">\n\nI had my first and only girlfriend when I was like 12 and we would talk a lot online but NEVER in real life. It was just too awkward and none of us really tried making an effort to talking to each other in person. \nSo one night, I called her, and tried to really talk to her. I started asking her questions about life and then later on she leaves the call. Apparently i was too awkward and a few days later she breaks up with me because we \"weren't really working\" even though I was the only one making an effort and she wasn't but whatever.\nI just really wished she would've appreciated the fact I tried talking to her that night, no matter how weird.", ">\n\nI feel this especially lately. I've been trying to be more social with my coworkers lately and I try to start up random condos, usually starting with things like \"how's the day been?\" Or \"got any weekend plans?\". It sounds simple enough obviously but for me it's been very hard to do because I always feel weird and like I'm bothering them. But so far it has led me to learning more about my coworkers and actually building the foundations of a bond I feel like. I hope at least.", ">\n\nNah. You are probably just talking to weird ppl because that's where you got in well", ">\n\nThat is actually a very good attempt at socialising on reddit u/Terrible-Swim-6786, I appreciate your thought here.", ">\n\nThank you u/de_Mike_333", ">\n\nHeavily depends on your friend group. There are definitely people who will give you a hard time.", ">\n\nI think we can generalize this even more: \"good people recognize your effort, regardless of the result.\"", ">\n\nAgree 100%", ">\n\nEh, it’s way more nuanced than that. “Weird” isn’t a great term because people can have hugely different opinions on what’s weird. Additionally, people aren’t going to think to themselves “I recognize their effort even though they are weird.” People tend to have one of three reactions after conversations:\n\n\n“I really enjoyed talking to that person and want to again.”\n\n\n“I somewhat enjoyed talking to them, and don’t mind doing it from time to time when necessary.”\n\n\n“I’m going to avoid talking to that person as much as possible.”", ">\n\nIf someone has good intentions or is being kind I literally cannot be rude to them if I wanted to be.", ">\n\nOof...as someone with social anxiety and trauma..this is a reminder I need to tell myself. Not always easy finding the good people though", ">\n\nI especially focus on people I see struggling to socialize. Because I know how it's like to be new, awkward, etc. It's actually why I was put into the training role at work.", ">\n\nI’m schizoid, I’ll have to chew on this for a while. I hope it sinks in. 🙃", ">\n\nDepends. I've met a lot of assholes and appreciate that they obviously telegraph that and it's easy to deal with. I've met a lot of socially awkward people that I know are trying, but are so aggressive about trying to be gregarious when all they do is make people uncomfortable and they are much harder to interact with. I get it's a skill you have to practice, but keep your self-awareness and don't outsource your awkwardness at the expense of others.", ">\n\nTrue! I found myself welcomed by my friend group despite my social awkwardness. It’s like they saw me for me, not for my fumbles. Friends worth waiting for. Don’t settle for friends who make fun of you.", ">\n\nGeneral statements like this are no different than me saying \"people breath to stay alive and get appreciated for doing so by random strangers...)...🤷", ">\n\nIf this is true then there aren’t many good people, and the ones that are good are probably neurodivergent like myself (AuDHD).\nWhich I knew, but took too long to actually realize.", ">\n\nDon’t you find that NT say all the right things for clout, but when it comes to implementation they fall short for the most part?", ">\n\nMuch of the time, yes, and perhaps not NT exactly, but allistics for sure. This is also not to say that a neurodivergent person can’t be an asshole, anyone can, just that I have come to trust openly ND people more easily than NT and allistic people.", ">\n\nOther weird people also recognize your effort, that’s what i see the most often in my experience", ">\n\nYea, the really nice folks tend to be generous toward others. Being considerate I guess.\nI think you can sort of tell how nice a person is by what kind of assumptions they have of others they've just met.", ">\n\nI hate socialising but i am not afraid to socialize either. Idk im sometimes just fed up talking about anything. Hate to make enemies so i just pretend a smile and nod in acknowledgement.", ">\n\nlike when you try to initiate a conversation with another 30-something guy at work and it's about dinosaurs", ">\n\nLast weekend I went to the pub, ended up sitting next to a guy that was talking about weed (was on the locals table where people that are by themselves just come and sit whenever there is a spare seat) I mentioned that I used to smoke (havnt for a long time) and he went on a diatribe about how f'd up the laws were where we live and made a huge deal about it. Security noticed. He went to get another beer and came back with a coffee, when he finished the coffee he left unannounced. I suspect he tried to order another beer and was kicked out. I was quite happy about that lol. In saying that at least it gave the rest of us a new conversation topic so shout out to him!", ">\n\nI go out of my way to help people who are socially awkward especially if they're making an effort.", ">\n\nI do and say some weird shit sometimes.\nI've met a few people who will take it in stride, have the grace to not make me feel like a freak, and continue to treat me like I'm a valuable person worth talking to.\nSometimes, it's the quiet acceptance of those people that keeps me afloat", ">\n\nyep, but being neurodivergent exposes how few and far between these people are.", ">\n\nLove this one, wish there were more good people in this world lol", ">\n\nI loose will to put in the effort to socialize because most of people are gossiping and talking shit behind the back. Im out at the first sign of that crap. \nFuck that, they can call me weird all they want.", ">\n\nBad people tell you what other people said about you behind your back. Unless this feedback is given to help you grow, and that person genuinely cares about you and will support you; it's likely an arse hole being an arse hole.", ">\n\nIf you talk to people in confidence most of the time nobody will even question what you say to them.", ">\n\nGood as in kind-hearted, or good as in perceptive?\nJust because they recognized the effort, doesn't mean they appreciate it.", ">\n\nI mean they appreciate the effort, it is true that people can be mean even if they understand you're doing your best", ">\n\nwell either they dont or i have met exactly 0 good people in my entire life.\ntell me whats the answer.", ">\n\nNah cause why is this so true. I’m always the “goofy one” in my friend group. But everyone LOVES me because of how funny I am. At first when someone wants to get it know me, I’m very shy. But as we progress I become myself and everyone around me sees it and loves it", ">\n\nWeird introvert here. I find that all someone needs to do is ask a few simple questions about me and I start to feel more at ease. If you find someone like me, that's a helpful thing to do for us.\nThank you!", ">\n\nSo true, when they're engaging, take the time to listen, don't interrupt, help you fit in the conversation, seriously I love people like this.", ">\n\nReally thinking about putting this in my hinge shower thoughts", ">\n\n“That dude keeps trying to hangout with us. What a fucking weirdo.”", ">\n\nI get red so easily, I don’t know how to turn off that feature within me. 😔 I’m decent half the time socializing.", ">\n\nIt sucks for people that think high school is how the rest of your life will be. They can never shake that for some reason. I can be shy and my social anxiety is kinda bad, but more often than not my weirdness has made others open up, take interest, and want to be friends. LISTEN, anyone judging you isn’t worth your effort to entertain.", ">\n\nDamn this is my first time seeing a shower thought with this many upvotes", ">\n\nMy advice for people who struggle socially is: don’t try too hard", ">\n\nI used to be turbo akward. Had massive social anxiety. Was very concerned with being normal. \nNow I just don't give a fuck and act super weird. I be my self an I love it. The outcome is I'm now super charasmatic and funny. It serves me very well professionally, socially and romantically. \nNormal is fucking boring. People don't like boring. Be an unapologetic fucking weirdo and people will love you.", ">\n\nI fall into this because often times I will make friends and they will tell me they thought I was \"weird\" in the beginning. If I can describe myself I'd say I'm Wednesday Addams without any homicidal thoughts.. for the most part.. just kidding.. I think as long as you have good intentions and are not being invasive, your weird will be accepted and embraced.\nI've met a few true \"weird\" folks and even my weird self was like yeah no I will not make eye contact with these people ever again. So socially inept to the point that it even weirded me out.\nEdit: Hmmm honestly not understanding the downvotes but such is life", ">\n\nTelling people that you’re Wednesday Adams is essentially telling that that you’re a special, unique, interesting person. But in reality you don’t get to decide if you’re interesting or special. You get to be happy with who you are (hopefully) and other people decide if you’re interesting or special. \nr/notliketheothergirls - while it’s surely not meant to, from most people it reads as “I’m more unique than the rest of you, and my slightly weird interests are more valid and depth-ish than the boring people who like foot balls or popular movies.”", ">\n\nOr they could find Wednesday relatable because they are an autistic coded character", ">\n\ngood people being the equivalent of mediocre irrelevant comforming person?" ]