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innovation-hacking2

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shitposting_dataset3

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[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person..." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion.", ">\n\nAhahaha a 32 year old women" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion.", ">\n\nAhahaha a 32 year old women", ">\n\nThing is, people change. \nNon negotiables might adapt to the real world as the relationship evolves. \nIf all the people who were adamant about not having children had not changed their minds, the world would not be so full of people. And that's one example." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion.", ">\n\nAhahaha a 32 year old women", ">\n\nThing is, people change. \nNon negotiables might adapt to the real world as the relationship evolves. \nIf all the people who were adamant about not having children had not changed their minds, the world would not be so full of people. And that's one example.", ">\n\nBut what if they don't? How many people have had kids thinking things would change, and then end up resenting the life they have because they never really wanted them?" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion.", ">\n\nAhahaha a 32 year old women", ">\n\nThing is, people change. \nNon negotiables might adapt to the real world as the relationship evolves. \nIf all the people who were adamant about not having children had not changed their minds, the world would not be so full of people. And that's one example.", ">\n\nBut what if they don't? How many people have had kids thinking things would change, and then end up resenting the life they have because they never really wanted them?", ">\n\nDiscussing the non-negotiables before I even know if I like you enough to go through that exercise, is a non-negotiable." ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion.", ">\n\nAhahaha a 32 year old women", ">\n\nThing is, people change. \nNon negotiables might adapt to the real world as the relationship evolves. \nIf all the people who were adamant about not having children had not changed their minds, the world would not be so full of people. And that's one example.", ">\n\nBut what if they don't? How many people have had kids thinking things would change, and then end up resenting the life they have because they never really wanted them?", ">\n\nDiscussing the non-negotiables before I even know if I like you enough to go through that exercise, is a non-negotiable.", ">\n\nSounds a little Karen-ish" ]

[ "I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is.", ">\n\nThe only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later.", ">\n\nAnd must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well", ">\n\nNo farting or I'm dumping you Barbara", ">\n\nWe're coming to get you, Barbara!", ">\n\nYou've got red on you", ">\n\nI mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.\nI certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary.", ">\n\nDo you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? \nWhy are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!!", ">\n\nI think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird.", ">\n\nYeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. \nIt has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up.", ">\n\n\nAnd it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up\n\nWhat do red flags smell like?", ">\n\nRather like tomatoes one might imagine", ">\n\nThat's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those.", ">\n\nFor anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps.", ">\n\nI want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.\nI struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though.", ">\n\nI think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables.", ">\n\nGood point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.\nIf things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to.", ">\n\nI would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time.", ">\n\nThe second date sounds about right to me. The first date is for deciding if I like them. If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not.", ">\n\nThis is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals.", ">\n\nOr, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship.", ">\n\nI wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time", ">\n\nIt baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place", ">\n\nI think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love. There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things.", ">\n\nWhy waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do?", ">\n\nWhat is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax.", ">\n\nSo you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it.", ">\n\nI’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. \nA relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy. You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria.", ">\n\nThere’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially.", ">\n\nNobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though.", ">\n\nEven before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous.", ">\n\nFunny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change.", ">\n\nThe childfree people will hate this comment lol", ">\n\nRabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol", ">\n\nThe first date might be a bit extreme, but I can agree that those things should come out very early. \nI knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most.", ">\n\nLet's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.\nBesides, \"non-negotiables\" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like \"Must be into country music, must vote this certain way\" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like.", ">\n\nWhen I read that it's more like, \"I want to have kids someday\" / \"I never want to have to have kids.\" May was well get that out of the way quick. Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things. I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both \"looking for long term relationship\" and \"doesn't want kids\".", ">\n\nThat and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move", ">\n\nI can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else", ">\n\nGuess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship.", ">\n\ni feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing.", ">\n\nNo, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone.", ">\n\nI mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?", ">\n\nThat's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...", ">\n\nThere's many deal breakers you don't think of until you come across them, it's impossible to know sometimes even until years later", ">\n\nJust make your prospective partner fill out a brief 74 question online survey, background check, urinalysis, and provide 3 references of ex partners. and if they pass they can move on to the in person interview. \nOr you can just have a cup of coffee with someone and see if you like them or not.", ">\n\nBold of you to assume I have 3 references to give.", ">\n\nYou can use me. \"Saw a Reddit comment of his once, he seemed like a nice guy. Based on his username I think he likes pet pictures and memes.\"", ">\n\nRecently tried dating on Reddit. What a focused group of men. Some were simply so mature it was amazing. Others, not so much. Better than ANY app I’ve used to date. It’s so to the point, by the first date I was very confident on both parties intentions.", ">\n\nWait what? Lol Reddit dating?!\nNo judging but based your history, I think your idea of “focused” and “intentions” is a bit different than most lmao", ">\n\nUnfortunately… yes r/r4r or r/foreveralonedating", ">\n\nAh…yes, I’ve seen those. If I’m single again, I’ll stick to hinge/bumble, thanks lol", ">\n\nAh yes, virgin dating advice", ">\n\nAverage reddit dating advice", ">\n\nI discuss nonnegotiables BEFORE the date. No point in going out if you know right away you don’t align lol", ">\n\nAgree with this too", ">\n\nI considered posting this too hahaha. \nI'm baffled at how many Redditors go \"my bf/husband want kids, I don't. We have a 2 yr relationship.\"\nAre people really not clever enough in relationships to talk these things out... before entering them? It seems like such a no-brainer to me.", ">\n\nNot saying this is the root cause of that, but its become a bit of a trend for conservative men to lie about their core values on dating apps/sites in order to land dates, with the idea that once someone is emotionally invested enough they can slow trickle their values and circumvent the non-negotiables.", ">\n\nEugh, that's awful. In that case I'd feel hella betrayed, definitely enough to end the relationship. I'm sorry for people having to go through that, no one deserves to be manipulated like that 😔", ">\n\nI didn't do this on the first date, but I did on the third. And it's possible to discuss without it being interviewish or awkward. No guy was ever scared off for this, and now I'm happily married over 10 years now, while not wasting my time with fundamentally incompatible people.", ">\n\nPreach\nI'll go even farther and say they should be on your dating PROFILE (when you meet through Internet)", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of checking non negotiables if there is no spark. Just let it be fun on very first date", ">\n\nWhat’s the point of a spark if there are disagreements on non negotiables?", ">\n\nAgree, it gets into dangerous territory when you already like someone and they're bad for you.", ">\n\nExactly. That’s my approach as well. When I’ve dated in the past I’ve always asked whether the person wants marriage and kids. If they can’t handle that level of bluntness then they won’t get on with me very well. I’m blunt in all areas of life, a first date is no exception. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so no one catches feels if we’re not compatible and no one wastes time.", ">\n\nthat's not crazy and a lot of people do that. That's surface level conversation OP is talking about much deeper", ">\n\nDisagree. Non negotiables should and could be discussed prior to the first date. What’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible? Naturally working in non negotiables during conversations PRIOR to the first date has saved me from multiple pointless first dates.", ">\n\n\nWhat’s the point of waiting until the first date only to figure out you aren’t compatible?\n\nBecause that's what the first date is for.... Getting to know someone, seeing if you'll be compatible and like each other. You use what you learn in the first date to decide if there will be a second date.", ">\n\nI second this", ">\n\nIt definitely would! Big red flag. Would indicate to me that this relationship would be transactional and I need to get the hell out there.", ">\n\nTransactional means “I only do something for you if you do something for me”. OP is saying you should say if you ever do or don’t want kids or if you don’t believe in vaccination or you would never accept a gay child. Hypotheticals that would end the relationship that you need to make clear before getting invested as you could be completely incompatible if not.", ">\n\nI totally do respect your experience and this was really eloquently said. As a child of parents who “stuck it out” I would say (though this is a case by case basis thing) most child psychologists will tell you staying in a marriage where your children watch you be unfulfilled or unhappy is not best. My parents did that and not only did I not have a healthy relationship to model my understanding of romantic love, but I grew up in a house where nobody was happy and there was a lot of resentment. Kids notice that kind of stuff.\nI agree that a lot of things change but there are certain things I definitely wouldn’t stick around hoping change. The AITA is full of stories of married couples who had differences on vaccination, kids (number of if any at all), living with parents, living in the city, moving far from family, divorce at all! First date is definitely not the time for all the heavy stuff but there is for sure some things I find crucial to get out of the way. I’m also very into politics and a dealbreaker for me is someone who considers themself “not political” or is against voting in general with an “it doesn’t count” attitude. Chemistry is great but values that differ aren’t things I’m ready to wait around and hope develop or mature, as if they don’t it’ll be an investment of time I don’t get back over something I could’ve flagged ages ago.", ">\n\nThat definitely happens. But in my opinion, not reconciling with each other and just ‘existing’ together is well known to cause issues with the children later on. So my opinion that won’t fall under the category of ‘doing them right’.\nSo I’m my experience, as my wife and I have done repeatedly, we’ve had some real hard negotiating sessions where one of us had to take a massive hit to our egos, take the L for the greater good, and trust that there would be some time in the future where the other would take the L for the sake of the family. And that certainly has happened. There’s trauma that is sometimes born with that, but there’s trust that it’s all worth it as we witness the joys of parenting and their development. At least that’s my hope.\nWho knows, they may still end up pieces of shit. But at the very least we could sleep well knowing we did our best.", ">\n\nI spoke about the non negotiables when we talked about being exclusive. I don’t think it’s necessary in the dating period, but as soon as it gets serious, it was important to me to know that we’re on the same page.", ">\n\nyes bro, absolutely valid take. setting boundaries are important, especially if they’re non-negotiable", ">\n\nThis is what I love about online dating, most apps encourage people to just list their politics, family plans, job, religions and whether they drink / smoke etc on their profile so most main bases covered.", ">\n\nI disagree. The first date should be about fun/ chemistry. Plus the ‘first date’ is not always so clearly defined. Sometimes you look up and realize you’ve been on several dates and things are getting serious.", ">\n\nI think its a bit much on the first date. But should happen within the first 3-4 dates at least.\nTo me , too many people use first dates to disqualify and go in with that “ looking for a reason to say no” instead of “ looking for a reason to say yes”\nFirst dates should be light hearted, fun, give the person an honest chance and see if theres an initial connection. Dates 3/4 before you get too serious have the talk. Non negotiable, sex talk. Etc", ">\n\nI think a lot of non negotiable can be talked about before a date, but that's why I'm a fan of dating websites.\nI think there are also a lot of situations where people don't realize things are non negotiable until they've dealt with them for a while in a new relationship.", ">\n\nYou know it’s funny. I definitely would. Never do this on a first date. As I find the point of a first date is basically just to get the persons vibe and if you can manage that then that’s pretty good. But with online dating most of this is available in someone’s profile and I personally found that super helpful.", ">\n\nNo offense….but I disagree. \nSpeak about non negotiable stuff before the first date and save even more time and energy.", ">\n\nMaybe not all on the first date, but definitely before entering a serious relationship.", ">\n\nObviously this is your preference, but I could not imagine a more transactional approach to what should be a non-transactional, organic process. Yours is a short straight line from first date to life partner (or whatever end you seek). That's just not how life works. While that may be the eventual progression of a relationship, it is not how they start. And you don't get to demand the CEO benefits you want to earn in 20 years during your first interview for the entry level job.\nRelationships are organic. You are cheating then the opportunity to grow, for a real exchange and joining of interests. \nI could think of nothing more off-putting than sitting down at the restaurant to... \"What would you like to drink...? Oh, and do you want kids? because if not, we ought to just call it a night.\" It seems to me either you need to decide you even like spending time with each other on the first couple/few dates or more likely that you didn't spend enough time with each other as friends before asking them out if thisbis what you feel the need to do.\nI'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more 1st dates, and certainly glad I never had one as you describe. Good luck!", ">\n\nI tried it and turns out they were uncomfortable. Never thought it would be received badly because to me it’s a no brainer thing. If you can’t handle answering some questions then you may not be ready for a relationship! I would say if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship you probably should avoid doing this. In the future, I will ease into it a bit more. Just my experience ✌🏼", ">\n\nYou are right. If you are looking for a serious relationship. If you are just out dating to have fun then it doesn't really matter.", ">\n\nBIG agree.", ">\n\nThere is a time and place for discussing the non-negotiables. The first date should really be focused on having chemistry. If there’s no chemistry in the now, why waste the breath on the future? The non-negotiables should absolutely be discussed in the first few dates though and would recommend tackling one at a time instead of powering through like taking a bunch of laxative before starting an escape room. \nI have been bombarded with questions on the first date and sure it gets the awkward questions out of the way but shouldn’t the non-negotiables be a point to say this is important to you and why? \nEx.\nQ: I have a kid, is that going to be a problem?\nSure a kid may or may not be an issue superficially but what about discussing it. I want a future father/mother figure for the kiddo, what is the relation with the former parent if there is one, etc. These important concepts may not get teased out and could become non-negotiables for the the partner that they didn’t have a chance to determine on the spot.\nMore importantly talk and be honest. The skeletons in the closet will always rattle at some point or another.", ">\n\nWhere’s the fun in that? Where the social dance we all do to get to know each other? We ain’t robots. We need to take our time as well. There’s a time for those non negotiables to be discussed but with time. I fell like you just went through something and felt the need to write this up.", ">\n\nSure if you want to date a robot lol.", ">\n\nThis is where dating apps come in handy. They make you answer the tough and awkward but important questions", ">\n\nThis is r/UnpopularOpinion not r/CommonSense", ">\n\nmaybe like the 3rd date. thats a lot of heavy shit to discuss with basically a stranger. at least see if you like them first, then talk about non negotiables and expectations", ">\n\nAnd then you really like them and don't agree on the non negotiables. Sucks.", ">\n\nAt least I’m having fun, and not going through a series of interviews only to find later despite the fact we both want kids we really have nothing in common. Besides, it’s like three dates, not a relationship. It’s not that heartbreaking.", ">\n\nAh right, having fun is what counts in a relationship.", ">\n\nIt’s not the only thing, but I don’t want to waste time talking to someone about having kids or getting married when I don’t even know if I actually enjoy spending time with them. If I’m not enjoying myself, then there won’t be a second date. If I am, maybe we can talk about if there’s a viable future.", ">\n\nThen don't waste time talking on those things. It's better to waste a few years having a very fun relationship with many compromises.", ">\n\nThere’s a middle ground here. Don’t turn first dates into a boring/awkward interview. But also don’t go through unnecessary heartbreak after you find out two years in that you guys have no future. Have fun on the first couple of dates, and before things get serious/commuted discuss whether there is long term viability.", ">\n\nHow about before the first date. Don’t waste time", ">\n\nRight!!! I’ve always said this! And people critize me for like but you know what, I’ll rather be alone than badly accompanied.", ">\n\nEh, I rather just see if I vibe with someone, having a pleasant date seems more valuable to me than start treating it like an interrogation. I mean if you don't enjoy the first date enough to want a second it seems more like a waste of time to discuss all the important stuff right away", ">\n\nWhat's the point of vibing someone if it might be someone you have seriously non negotiables with. Your logic is flawed.", ">\n\nTo have fun, see what kinds of people you like being around meet someone that might work better as a friend, the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious relationship . . .", ">\n\nI thought it was pretty obvious this was about people looking for serious relationship. Obviously there are non negotiables that don't matter to a casual relationship.", ">\n\nNot really. It talks about dating", ">\n\nGender identity. Im trans and have full support to the community but getting in a whole relationship with somebody before finding out their trans can litterally ruin the whole relationship. Especially if they havent had surgery. Somebody might just not want to date somebody with the same genitals as them, and thats fine, thats not transphobic.", ">\n\nIf I went on a first date and they started talking about marriage and kids, I wouldn't be going on a second one. I'm just here for a Mojito and a chat to see if we get on.", ">\n\nSo nothing serious. Because if you were, you wouldn't want to find out a few years later you're not compatible", ">\n\nIt isn’t all or nothing. Have fun on a first date and see if you vibe. Maybe by the time you’ve gone or three or so talk about what you want out of a relationship. Your significant other should be someone who has compatible life goals, sure, but should also hopefully be someone you enjoy spending time with. Personally, I don’t really find interviews very fun.", ">\n\nMen who wanna get laid will not do it", ">\n\nFirst dates are not about long term comparability. The only thing you need to find out from a first date is am I having fun. That is the starting point, do we click? Do we like spending time with each other? If it's fun you plan more dates. At some point the spark starts to fizzle, this is when you have to decide to push through and keep the relationship or cut ties. This is the time to trot out all your non negotiables, when you think the relationship is worth fighting for, test it with the things you will not negotiate on.", ">\n\nI completely agree and even before first date is preferable", ">\n\nOh come on. Just the tip?", ">\n\nNo hog cycle 2.6 allowed", ">\n\nOutjerked", ">\n\nWhy even get to the first date? Put them out there right away so you can filter out the trash...or maybe they can filter you out.", ">\n\nAgree. It's weird to see how unpopular this is.", ">\n\nI did this before the first date and can confirm it was the best decision. There are so many people complaining on the internet about their partners and the question always comes up - why did you marry them then? \nDo some people change later? Yes. Are there abusive situations that are the exception? Absolutely. But you cannot tell me that everyone complaining about how their husband won’t put his socks in the laundry was a clean freak before marriage…. You just didn’t prioritize that detail while you were dating. \nBefore my now husband and I even went on our first date I knew if he wanted kids and how many, what his ideal timeline for that looked like, what his life goals were and if he showed signs of determination and work ethic to achieve them, his political and religious beliefs plus how flexible these both were, and his diet preferences. Obviously these were not listed out interview style, but they were brought up in conversation over the 2-3 months before we actually went on a date. \nNow we’re married, he cooks, cleans, daydreams about having children, supports me in my goals and dreams, and the house would still run perfectly if I were to disappear for a week. I feel like I have the perfect husband. After 5 years the only thing we have ever disagreed on was medical marijuana - which is irrelevant to both of our lives anyway. \nSeriously, ask the questions that are important to you in the beginning. Don’t let yourself get blinded by fancy dates, cute texts, and good sex before you know if he/she breaks a non- negotiable. \nBut that’s all on dating for marriage - which is a whole other unpopular opinion in and of itself.\nEdit to add - this was in 2018 when I was 19 and he was 23. Got married a few years later when I was 21. So it’s still possible “in todays world”", ">\n\nNo dogs on the bed. Ever.", ">\n\nHard disagree. Most women's non-negotiables include they type of guys who wants to shove hard \"no-gos\" down your throat before you even get a chance to finish your beer.\nFirst dates are for having fun and showcasing your personality to see if you get along at s high level...not for making ultimatums.", ">\n\nGo on enough dates and you'll understand why this is wrong", ">\n\nIf you come to a first date so presumptuous and acting entitled to a second date ….without even having mutually processed the first date it is a dealbreaker. Profoundly inappropriate to come with a checklist for Auditing a future partner", ">\n\nSoo, it's better to be partners for a few months or years and then find out you don't agree on having kids/where to live/finances/etc?", ">\n\nthis isn't unpopular it's just dumb and unecessary.", ">\n\nHaving dates is stupid. Get to know them first as friends and you’d know these non negotiables already", ">\n\ntru", ">\n\nI agree with this; not all of them can be discussed, but things like “do you have kids” could be.", ">\n\nI asked my boyfriend about his dealbreakers and hot takes very early on. It ended up being a more fun convo. For me I said stuff like not being able to disagree without fighting, and respecting boundaries, and not feeling the need to be on my phone if i go out, and even some politics because certain ideologies are extreme (some dangerous) and worth addressing. Pretty soon after we talked about kids (I would never be with someone who believed in spanking/violence as punishment) and vaccinations (a must for me and my future kids) and sometimes we even talk about the AITA reddit together to see how we both think and problem solve.", ">\n\nPersonally I think all that should be clarified once you two agree to start actually dating. Over the first coffee or dinner date I’d rather have fun and just see if this person is someone I can talk to and enjoy being around", ">\n\nSo what happens if partner A shares that X is non negotiable, but partner B hasn't thought one way or another about it?", ">\n\n“Do you have good wiping technique?”\ngasp\n“Sorry…I’m just trying to get this out of the way so I can get it off my mind”", ">\n\nMaybe not first date, for me honestly Id rather just find out via text before the first date and just avoid it all in general if possible lmao.", ">\n\nThis is why OLD is helpful, you can flag most of the big ones in your profile ( kids, religion, sexual orientation etc.) \nI know most men just swipe right in everything and dint care about any of this - but that literally why OLD let’s you do these things", ">\n\nWhy wouldn't you talk about that stuff before the date?", ">\n\nDepends. I couldn't imagine doing this with a tinder date or something. But when I got into a relationship with a long time friend, we had this convo. No marriage, no babies <-- checked if both pro-abortion.", ">\n\nSheldon Cooper? Is that you?", ">\n\nFirst date, not necessarily. After the first few, absolutely. For example I truly do want kids, if the person in dating 100% does not and will never change their mind then it's not gonna work out long term (because even if children came, if the mother truly doesn't want them I don't think I'd be comfortable with that)", ">\n\nI also think marriage and kids should be discussed by the 3rd date why the hell would you get 2 years down the line and be committed before you learn each of you wan entirely different things \nI understand people say it’s weird to bring up so early but I’m against wasting mine or others time", ">\n\nThis is why i always lead with the fact i have a hook for a hand and have a burning hatred of the west. Things have worked out pretty well", ">\n\nI did this and it worked brilliantly. I wasn't rude about it, just, hey, here are some things you should know about me that are major deal breakers. Most dates really appreciated knowing these up front. The only time it didn't work was when perspective partners didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. I even had one lie about agreeing with me on something and just expect me to change my mind on it later. Ugh.", ">\n\n100% agree", ">\n\nIs this actually an unpopular opinion? It seems like everyone agrees that trying to get every single question out there makes the date not fun and feel job-interview like. However, getting the most important non-negotiables out on the table on the first date is not only prudent, it’s the best use of time. Why would I go on a second date with someone whose values are not aligned?", ">\n\nI’ve drawn up this BJ frequency contract stipulating twice a month minimally with special addendums for birthdays and major holidays. Sign here, initial here, don’t forget the date.\nI’ll have this notarized and a copy sent to your attorney.", ">\n\nI say within first month - any divorces, children, long term expectations, know your road.", ">\n\nI strongly agree with it.\nWhen I am going out with someone, I let them know up front some heavier things my life includes and that they will not be going anywhere. But it feels FAIR so they don't waste their time on something they're not ready for or disinterested in.", ">\n\nYou’d think this would be popular but for some reason people think you should waste each others time and that asking things like that right off the bat is inappropriate. If you already know for certain that you don’t wants kids or do want kids, There’s no point in trying to continue to see each other and for things to potentially get serious if you are complete opposites on that issue. That’s one thing I’d immediately be upfront about.", ">\n\nMy best friend put some non-negotiables on her dating profile and people just matched her to have a go at her 😂🙈", ">\n\nIf you want to be efficient about it, sure. But love, in my experience, is inefficient. And your dealbreakers can change. Opinions can also change, just like habits. So you are putting a lot of pressure on a first date and will probably draw the wrong conclusion.\nAlso, now Im curious about your dealbreakers. Do you have a lot of them?", ">\n\nMy husband and I didn’t avoid some of our hard lines BUT this was after a FANTASTIC first date and we had a lot of fun\nSo I think it counts, I knew right away that this was it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. \nI just…knew. So of course I felt the need to make sure we hand all our cards laid out. \nBut reality is different for every couple? \nCourse my “hardline” was him and me discussing my crazy roommate lol I figured avoiding talking about her wouldn’t help in the long run", ">\n\nMe and my now girlfriend were very very open and honest on our first date. It's still very early days but I'm glad we set up this line if communication quickly :))", ">\n\nI agree. Things like having kids especially. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, it causes huge issues down the line for sure.", ">\n\nIf someone was to treat a first date as if they had an expectation of life long commitment right then and there, I'm walking out. Way too fucking possessive and clingy, and a sure sign of crazy down the road. No thanks.", ">\n\nYou must be fun", ">\n\nBeen married for 8 years… so probably not anymore lol", ">\n\nCan’t say I agree with “on the first date,” but if it’s truly a non-negotiable then it should be pretty damned early. I mean, it’s a date, not an interrogation.", ">\n\nI consider that a good way to stay alone forever. I think the reality is that non-negotiables only seem iron clad when we haven’t found a viable partner yet. Once we do we realize some non-negotiables are actually very negotiable but until we actually get to know the right person well enough we won’t know that.", ">\n\nI agree. Risking potential disappointment, heartache, and dire complications down the road simply to avoid an hour of direct first-date awkwardness? No thanks. But that explains why the majority of Reddit is comprised of people who don’t or can’t date maturely or successfully lol", ">\n\nYES!! finally someone who shares my unpopular opinion on this...why waste your time and energy on something that doesn't align with your end goal?", ">\n\nI agree, if it’s someone you met on a dating app though I think it’s even easier to mention that stuff before you even plan a first date, no point getting there to find out it’s a waste of time", ">\n\nI would discuss \"deal-breakers\" before asking for their number (Tinder)", ">\n\nThis is 100% correct. What's the point, otherwise.", ">\n\nHere is one clear non-negotiable for me; dating super awkward people who think that a date is an interview for a long term relationship- that attitude destroys any chance at such a relationship.", ">\n\nMy ex and I did this on our second date. First date was to see if we were into each other. Second date she brought up God, kids, a little politics. It was awesome.", ">\n\nYou should probably find that out either before the first date or after, not during.", ">\n\nNo. People change.\n​\nIt's how do you change and respond to change should be the question, answered sincerely and well thought out. If you want a long term relationship.", ">\n\nI try to get some of them out of the way before the first date. Kids? Dealbreaker. Republican? Deal breaker. Super religious? Deal breaker. I want at least those three things out of the way before we ever go on that first date.", ">\n\nShit sounds like work. Why would you date somebody of whom you find yourself that skeptical of?", ">\n\nHow are people dating, like it’s the fucking DMV?", ">\n\nThe first date would be too to negotiate a relationship I don’t know if I even want at that point.", ">\n\nWhen did first dates become job interviews? \nWhy do people have to agree on life goals to have fun?", ">\n\npartial agreement. certain topics need to be discussed so that you're not 3 years in and come to a disagreement over something that you never knew you disagreed on, like serious topics like having kids or not, marriage or not, pets or not. it shouldn't be the entire date but like pretty early in the whole relationship.", ">\n\nI'm all for the non negotiables talks but what's the point of pulling out your list of check boxes when you don't even know if you can tolerate the person for a couple hours", ">\n\nI sure did tell my current bf I don't want any more children and I was not looking for marriage, on our first date.", ">\n\n2nd date makes more sense. 1st date should be a lot more intuitive, and not so procedural / clinical.", ">\n\nHow is this unpopular?", ">\n\nI mean, if you read through the comments there are many who disagree…", ">\n\nMy bf and I had this conversation in the first couple weeks we started dating. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way so we didn’t hurt each other years down the road. And it worked out great :)", ">\n\nThis might work for dates where you don't know each other yet and are meeting on the date for the first time, but that's not how a lot of relationships start. Many start by meeting through mutual friends or an activity, and start out more like flirty friendships. I'm not sure how you'd suggest to fit this in - would you want to have talked about about all / most of the non-negotiables before even deciding to go on a date, or would you pursue getting a date with u your a-bit-more-than-a-friend without ever finding out if they're a good fit and then spend the whole first date as an interview?", ">\n\nDisagree with that. What was non negotiable for me when I was 20, was not an issue by the time I was 30. When I was 20, I didn't want marriage, kids, etc... but as I matured, I began to want those things.\nIn short, people change. I'm now married with 3 kids, and may not have met my wife if we discussed my non negotiable on our first date.\nOf course, there are exceptions but I feel that these would go without saying, I.e. don't be a nazi etc...\nFirst dates should be fun and about getting to know the other person and discovering if there's any chemistry or not.", ">\n\nHard disagree. This is too much pressure to put on a first date", ">\n\nYou're absolutely right! \nAnd I can confirm that its's working: \nI once dated a young woman who told me straight away that she doesn't want to marry, have kids and all that. I answered that I'm fine with that because I was just going through a divorce.\nEdit to add: That was like 18 years ago. We married 5 or 6 years later and are now having 2 kids and all that.", ">\n\nI always talk about non negotiables with people who I plan on dating was. With that being said, it's always the \"do you want kids\" question. Helped me a lot.\nThere is no compromise with kids. Either it's a yes or no and you can't sit on the fence like many others and then have a kid and then that kid just doesn't have a good life because they decided to get off the fence once they got the kid. On the other hand, yeah, the mother could love that kid unconditionally. It's always double sided and a gamble.\nI think the kids question is a good question before going in if you already know what you want.", ">\n\nEh. We briefly talked about kids during a “what does your next 5 years” type talk. \nWe left politics and religion to later", ">\n\nWhat's a non-negotiable? I've never heard this term", ">\n\nI’m down with this. I always held on to the belief that when you’re old enough, the first or second date should include the topic of having kids if both sides are looking for a long term relationship (ie marriage). Not fair to either side if one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. \nIronically I got called an asshole for saying you should immediately break up with someone who has the opposite views on having kids if you’re looking for a serious relationship", ">\n\nI agree to some extent, however, a lot of times getting to know someone and getting to know their reasoning for certain stances can provide new perspectives or things you've never explored before. This feels like a very close minded opinion to me.", ">\n\nUpvote for unpopular. I agree people should discuss this stuff. Just not on a first date.", ">\n\nI agree, but I also know that peoples minds change. Dated S1, went in wanting kids, they didn’t. By the time the relationship soured, they wanted kids but I didn’t. \nDated S2, both came in not wanting kids. Both changed our minds. \nI’ve been firmly on the side of not wanting kids since deterioration of S2 relationship, and in every relationship thereafter. 🤷‍♀️\nRelationships help you grow, so it’s normal to change your mind.", ">\n\nAgree 💯! I always make it a point to do it!", ">\n\nWhen I went on a date with a guy from my neuroscience class, we kind of casually discussed what we looked for in relationships and what might cause some problems. Both agreed after the date that we were best just remaining friends because of how different our ideas on relationship items were. Have since kind of mutually ghosted each other.", ">\n\nI don’t really see the point : \n-if it is a first date, then it means that you are complete strangers. If it is the case, you probably met on a dating app, on which you already add your preferences and criteria’s > first case solved\n- if it is a first date with a friend you now see differently, then you already might be aware of part of his/her visions on life since you already discussed it on previous informal conversations\n- if it is a first date with an acquaintance, I think it is pretty clumsy as the partner might not be prepared to such questions or didn’t even thought about it, so such questions on a first date might lead to frustration or prejudice \nIf true love strikes, non negotiable might become negotiable lol. Don’t scare someone by an overly rigid face on a first date, it is the best way to get a relationship by material concerns and reason by eluding true love and leading to distress and despair. Again, you might be surprised by the thing you can step on for love.", ">\n\nYes, it's very important to discuss boundaries within a relationship! It can cause problems if you don't have that talk.", ">\n\nWhenever I even speak to a new male I ask them how they feel about feminism! You’re either a feminist or a sexist! It weeds out all the males I do not want and leave room for the MEN I do want!", ">\n\nI would say if you do it over the course of two or three dates that’s fairly decent. If you have a major one knock that out on date one, but to do everything at once just sounds like you can’t even enjoy your time at all.", ">\n\nIt's really weird to hand people a list of demands before you even find common ground and see if y'all have the same goals.", ">\n\nThe thing is, most non-negotiables are negotiables with the right person. So if you discuss it before seeing if they're the right person...", ">\n\nWhat exactly do you see as a non-negotiable?? For more people it's things like kids, vaccinations, religion, where if you're not on the same page they definitely aren't the right person. We're not talking about height here. You can't decide who you'll spend your time (and possibly your life) with based off feelings alone.", ">\n\nDemocracy is non negotiable.", ">\n\nBit of a dystopian thing to do on a first date no? It’s dating, not a rat race", ">\n\nYou’re right. This is an unpopular opinion.", ">\n\nAhahaha a 32 year old women", ">\n\nThing is, people change. \nNon negotiables might adapt to the real world as the relationship evolves. \nIf all the people who were adamant about not having children had not changed their minds, the world would not be so full of people. And that's one example.", ">\n\nBut what if they don't? How many people have had kids thinking things would change, and then end up resenting the life they have because they never really wanted them?", ">\n\nDiscussing the non-negotiables before I even know if I like you enough to go through that exercise, is a non-negotiable.", ">\n\nSounds a little Karen-ish", ">\n\nNice to meet you. So, yes, the Shrek costume is non-negotiable." ]