id
int64 5.11k
4.34M
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | age
int64 13
48
| topic
stringclasses 40
values | sign
stringclasses 12
values | date
stringlengths 2
18
| text
stringlengths 4
790k
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 21,June,2004 | Happy belated Father's day! Last night, a friend emailed me through friendster asking me if I had a baby! Haha...nope! That's just my neice! Maya definetely has my brother's color! She's kind of dark! Hehe. On Sunday, Father's day, I went to my brother's house. Andy dropped me off and couldn't stay because he had a cold. He didn't want to get anyone sick especially Maya. So, I was able to hang out with family...mostly cousins! My cousins and I ended up window shopping at Long Beach Towne Center. It was fun. I was trying to look for something cute for baby Maya but couldn't find anything. Oh well. While we were at the house, my cousin called my brother on his cell phone but I decided to pick up the phone. So, we started to chat. He also hasn't been able to find a job for a long time...longer than me! In a few days, he'll be going to Alaska for a month with a few of his friends and he's actually going to try to look for a job there! If he doesn't find anything, he'll be going back home to Chicago in time for 'east coast Maya's' first birthday and in September, he's going to drive here and just stay here! He's so brave. My cousins, and Andy are trying to look out for positions for him. Later, my dad asked me if I was still looking for a job. I said yeah, but I might move to Chicago to look for a job over there. He just laughed and said, you move to Chicago while Steve moves here?! =) I actually would. I'm the type of person that would 'probably' move as long as I find a good job...even if it was in Chicago. But in my case, I feel STUCK! It's not like I can go out of the state for months at a time to look for a job. I don't have that kind of money...my parent's don't either! Oh well. I'm still trying to figure myself out! But for now, I'm still a loser who wants to go back to school but wants all the financial aid in the world! |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 10,June,2004 | Last weekend was Justin's 8th birthday. Andy has been wanting to get him a left handed golf club set for a while now...it's just that, it's too darn expensive! Well, my brother and Melani thought it was also a good idea.......so we split the cost! =) Now, Justin has his own set and Andy can play with him. I know Andy enjoys the sport but I don't know if he's actually good at it! Hehe. Needless to say, he's going to have to give Justin (and my brother) some lessons! =) So, Justin's party was on Saturday and it was the first time Maya spent some time at someone else's house. They weren't even planning on staying at the party for a long time because they thought it was gonna be really crowded. Apparently, it wasn't crowded at all. They practically stayed the whole night...but most of their time was spent upstairs. Right before we left for Justin's party, Andy and I heard the news about Reagan's death. I was kind of shocked. So sad. I'm not much of a politics girl (had to take that class twice...hehe) but Reagan was my first president. I know Carter was the president when I was born, but Reagan was the first president I ever knew. Sunday, Andy went to Corona to help his friend with some landscaping...in his backyard. The following day, Monday, I woke up around 9am and Andy was still home. He usually leaves for work by 5:30am. He ended up calling in sick because his hands were hurting from working in the backyard! So, we were just watching the news regarding Reagan's death...(bringing his body from the mortuary to his presidential library). I mentioned that we should go to his library or visit his star in Hollywood...but he just laughed! hehe. I also mentioned that I wanted to go to some craft store in LA. He said that he'd rather go to Simi Valley to see Reagan! So, we were off! First, we had lunch around 3:30pm at Black Angus in Cerritos. After that, we were off to Simi Valley. The traffic wasn't too bad until we got really close to the exit! It felt like forever! So, we parked at Moorpark College and saw A LOT of people! I had to use the restroom really bad and when we pulled into the parking lot, I saw A LOT of portopotties! I was scared because I've never used one of those things and I didn't intend to. I knew there were other restrooms because we were in a school! So, I went and the next obstacle was to find the end of the line! It took us a while...it was so freakin' long! It was at the back of the school and the line snakes around several times! When we got in line, we noticed it was moving pretty fast. But then there was a lady that was passing by that just came from the library and she was estimating our wait to be about 7 hours! We didn't really believe it because the line was moving fast! But boy...was she right! The line was still moving in a steady pace and that's why, at first, it didn't seem like we were waiting for a long time! That changed when we got closer to the front of the school. That felt SOOOO long and by that time, it was around midnight, and it was getting so cold. When Andy and I planned on going out there, we were estimating our wait to be around 3 hours! haha. So WRONG! We were so anxious when we were going through security and getting on the bus! We probably didn't get to the library till around 2:45am. Once we got to the library, everyting was moving pretty fast! It was an experience I'll never forget! On our way to the library (on the bus), we passed by a HUGE memorial for Reagan that just gave me chills. It was beautiful! I couldn't believe that we were able to get so close to him! We were a lot closer than the people at Washington DC. I don't know if I'll say it was worth the wait...but I don't regret it! It's a cool thing to experience...and you get to meet people! We were so tired! Andy wanted me to drive home but I asked him if he can just drive just out of the traffic zone because I didn't want to be directed by those people on the street! I'm always afraid I'm not gonna see them and run them over! hehe. Well, that almost happened when Andy was driving. The guy was telling him to stop and Andy had to stop really hard! We didn't even say anything to each other. We were just zombies. We talked about it later. So, after the traffic zone, he pulled over so I can drive. I was eating candy and singing! =) We finally got home around 5:30am! We couldn't bring any cameras in the library so I was planning on taking some pictures at the school. They had a few memorials that I wanted to take pictures of. But by the time we got back, I forgot! Let me say it again...we were so tired! hehe. Andy ended up calling in sick again! |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 02,June,2004 | urlLink Misc. Pictures (Easter, Andy's Birthday, KP's Birthday, Justin's 1st Communion) urlLink Pictures of Maya when she just born! urlLink Gavin's 1st Birthday Party urlLink More Maya Pictures |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 01,June,2004 | I'm back from my busy weekend! =) Saturday: On Saturday morning, my brother called telling us that they're in the hospital & asked if we can get there soon because Mel was already dilated at 9 sonometers (usually 10 sonometers is when birth occurs). So, I had to get ready really fast. Andy was walking Coach so that kind of held us back. Luckily, I had everything that I needed to take (baby's clothes, gifts, camera, etc.) ready the night before so all we had to do was take a shower, get ready, and leave! On our way to the hospital, I called Grace because her son was having a party and I was supposed to be there early to help out. I just told her that I probably wont make it but that I'll try! When we got to the hospital, my parents, Justin, Kayla, & their parents, and Mel's mom and brother were already there! My cousin ended up staying in the delivery room to help out since she's a nurse that delivers babies! From what I hear, Mel was so thankful to have her there because she just helped make things easier. Otherwise, she probably would've killed my brother. Hehe. So, they had a baby girl. Mel said she honestly thought she was having a boy! They named her Maya. She was born at 10:44am weighing 6 lbs 12 oz. and is 20 inches. Mel asked if I wanted to hold her, so I did. I was kind of scared at first but I did hold her. I held her a few times and I was playing with my mom because I wouldn't give Maya to her. Hehe. Anyway, we decided to leave the hospital to give the new parents some rest. We had to run some errands for my brother and after that, we decided to go to Gavin's birthday party! It was cool to hang out with my friends. Poor Gavin was sick so he didn't look happy. There was a clown that looked so creapy and had a bad accent. She was talking to the kids and at times, it seemed like they weren't paying attention! The clown even asked, 'Hey, do you hear me?' Haha. It was funny. She did a bad job with painting faces and making those balloon animals. I don't know how they ended up with that clown! Oh well. =) We pretty much stayed there until they were putting the tables away. Grace's dad gave me so much cake...supposedly for me and my dad! (my dad and Grace's dad are friends too). The party had a sports theme....and it was pretty much LAKER'd out! So, Grace gave me a few purple and yellow balloons to bring to the hospital! =) After the party, we went to the store to buy some flowers and one of those 'it's a girl' mylar balloons. We went back to the hospital to drop it off but they didn't let us take in the purple/yellow balloons because they were latex! Oh well. Sunday: We stopped by the hospital (again) for about 30 minutes. We dropped off those miniature hershey chocolates because I made a 'birth announcement' label for the candies! Apparently, it was a big hit because the grandparents are asking me to make more. After our short visit, we headed over to BJ's in Cerritos for Andy's cousins' graduation party! That place was pretty cool! It was huge! So, we stayed there for a while. After that, I think we went to the hospital again. We try to stay there in 30 minute increments because if you're there for Monday: Maya's first day at home We went over to Rod and Mel's house in Long Beach because some people were coming over and my dad was going to have a barbecue. We hung out there for a while. I was feeling so bad for Melani and Maya. The baby was crying a lot and the grandmas were just trying to tell Melani what to do....things that she's not supposed to do. So, when cousin Maria (the nurse who delivers babies) came over, my brother was telling her to reinforce some of the things she should and shouldn't do. But did that work? NO! It's like the grandmas don't like to hear anything! Oh well. Poor Melani. If I were in Melani's position, I would probably be crying. Anyway, I helped clean everything up so we can all leave and let the new family get their rest. And that was that! |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 01,June,2004 | urlLink My neice is finally here! urlLink |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 31,July,2004 | hello ya'll! thank goodness the weekend is here! yesterday was my coworker's last day at work. he's leaving because he's going to be going to school and playing college basketball in south dakota! he might actually get into the nba. haha...we'll see. since it was his last day yesterday, we decided to go out. no one else was available so it was just us two. we just hung out at the beach for a while and headed over to the block and had a few drinks. i had fun. he's a really nice guy. he actually made me more comfortable at work...regarding the work i'm doing. i guess he helped me realize how to do what i'm doing to its full potential. at first i was scared...he helped me out a bit. i can't believe he's leaving. oh well. next friday, the whole staff will be having dinner at TGIFriday's. that should be fun! i'm going to my first outting with coworkers! =) tonight, andy and i might be going to my cousin's club in OC. he's having an open bar from 9-10pm so we'll probably check that out! haha...we're so ghetto. earlier this morning, andy went paintballing with his coworkers. he got some pretty bad bruises! that's it for now. |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 28,July,2004 | My life is finally getting back to normal! Isn't that just greaaat?! Hehe. Well, last Saturday (after my uncle's funeral), Andy and I decided to renew our annual pass to Disneyland! The reason why we got it that day was because my neice, Kayla had a performance. Well, we ended up missing the performance but we still got to hang out with my cousins, neices, and my nephew! The following day (sunday), Kayla had another performance. Andy and I were supposed to go again but we ended up not going because I was so exhausted with everything! Kayla's parents stayed at a Disneyland hotel for that weekend since Kayla had to perform for two days. They ended up giving us their key to their house just in case we wanted to spend the night over there. Well, when we got there that Saturday, Justin asked if he can go home with us so he can play with his xbox! I couldn't believe my ears! Hehe. An 8 year old child wants to leave DISNEYLAND so he can play with his xbox? That just sounds weird! =) He's so ADDICTED! So, all I did during the week was work. So far, I'm liking my new job but I sure would like to get paid more! Oh well...at least it's something. My new job is just so different compared to when I was at Molina Healthcare! At Molina, it was an office job so, sometimes my day would go by so slow! I was busy (most of the time) but a lot of times, I kind of worked too fast that at the end of the day, I'd try hard to find something else to do. With my new job, I'm just constantly busy. My day goes by so fast! This past Friday, we met up with Andy's friends to eat at Greenfields. I hate that place because I'm not much of a meat eater! I just went since it was our friend's birthday! I haven't seen them for so long since I've been out of the picture...spending time with my dad. My neice (16 years old) came from New York that same day. She's attending some kind of Youth for Christ conference in Riverside. She's spending most of her time with family but she's also leaving for about 3 days for the conference. It's really nice to see her again. She has grown up so much! Friday, I went to my brother's house just so I can spend time with her. On Saturday, Andy and I went to the OC fair with his friends. It was pretty fun. All we did there was EAT! Andy and I had to leave early to run errands for my mom. So, we also went to Carson. We had dinner with all my cousins and parents (since my NY neice was there). It was cool. On Monday, my neice's friend was arriving from NY. My brother was supposed to drive them around Hollywood, etc. Anyway, my brother wanted me to go along with them. I didn't have a problem with that as long as we don't get home too late. I used to be a night person but ever since I got this job, I don't have a choice. I have to be a morning person! Hehe. I was very irritated because we didn't leave my bro's house till around 9:30pm. We were supposed to leave at 7pm (when traffic sorta dies out). I didn't get home till around 3am! My brother is such a night person...even if he works at 9am. I had fun that night but I was also kind of irritated at the same time! Last night, my brother and neice came over to pick up his computer. Andy fixed his work computer because a virus kind of messed it up. So, I was expecting him to come over sometime in the evening. I finally called him asking if he already left but he didn't get here till midnight! I asked him if I can just go to sleep and leave the door unlocked for him so he can pick up the computer. He agreed to it but then at the last moment...he asked for me to stay up for them! So, I did! Geez...I can't believe I DON'T WANT TO stay up so late anymore! =) Oh yeah, since I work in Garden Grove, (which is not far from Long Beach), I asked him to just pick it up before he goes to work. He didn't want to because he DOESN'T WANT to wake up early! Selfish bastard! Haha...only kidding! We're opposites now! Oh well. |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 18,July,2004 | Okay...I'm finally back! I just posted an entry from July 9, 2004. I've been going through a lot, so my entries are kinda too LONG! That's just a little warning for you! So, on Monday, July 12th, I started my new job! I still need to get used to the idea that I'm a full time worker now! With everything's that's been going on, I've been so tired! Also, on Monday, my dad FINALLY left the hospital to go back home! He's been in the hospital for 17 days. Anyway, we were all shocked when we found out that they were going to release him on Monday. We were just waiting for the time when they would move him on to another floor for rehab and therapy. I guess they thought he was doing well enough to go home and just get therapy at home! Since we knew he was going home, we decided that it was time to break the news to my dad...regarding his brother's death. The doctor suggested to tell him in the hospital just in case anything were to happen. My dad can be a very emotional and dramatic person so we were all kind of nervous. Before he was going to receive the bad news, we made sure to give him a sedative to relax him. My dad's relatives visited him in the hospital (both local and from san francisco, etc.) My brother and I weren't there because we were at work! We just thought it would be important for his relatives to tell him. So, his other brother (with other relatives) told him the news! He was crying but was also kind of mellow at the same time! I felt so much better just knowing he knew! After work, I went to visit him at the hospital and to take him home from the hospital. He was so happy to be home. I don't blame him! That same night that I saw him, he never mentioned anything regarding my uncle. I wonder what he's been thinking about. On Wednesday, I went to my uncle's viewing with my brother. I just met him at his house in Long Beach so we can go together. I saw a lot of relatives that I haven't seen in a looong time! My uncle looked very peaceful and just looked like he was sleeping. I'm so used to seeing dead people look scary and puffy....But I thought my uncle looked pretty good! After the viewing, we decided to visit my parents. My dad can't drive right now so he asked if I can spend the night. I couldn't because I had work! He basically wanted me to stay there over night so I can take him to his friend's flower shop and order flowers for my uncle. Since I couldn't stay, I told him that I'd just order it for him but for some reason, he really wanted to get it himself! Well, the following day, my cousin ended up taking him to the flower shop. They ordered a huge flower arrangement with a stand! It was really nice! Anyway, my mom didn't even want my dad to go to the viewing and the funeral but my brother and I thought it would be better for my dad to go only if he really wanted to....and of course, he did. We just told him that he should go to the viewing once and we'll see how he handles it. If he handles it pretty well, he'll also go to the funeral. He ended up borrowing my uncle's wheelchair. We gave him a sedative before the viewing and the funeral. When we went to the viewing on Friday, he did pretty good. He was sad but he didn't even cry. Today, during the funeral, he let out a good cry! My aunt was worried but he still needed to get it out somehow. I know that if he didn't have the medication, he'd be more dramatic! Now that my dad is back home and the funeral is done and over with, our lives can slowly get back to normal. I've been so tired and stressed lately! I'm pretty sure my whole family feels that way. My brother's wife feels like a single mommy now but at the same time, she understands! Since I haven't spent much time with Andy in a while, I was looking forward to spending time with him after the funeral and on Sunday. Little did I know that he already made plans to go to his friend's house to work on his backyard. I was sooo sad! I ended up just crying and telling him that after all the stressful things I've been going through, I was sooo looking forward to just spending time with him! He didn't know it was that big of a deal to me so he cancelled with his friend, and now we finally get to have a whole day together! I'm such a baby huh?! |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 15,July,2004 | I know I haven't blogged for a while now! A lot has happened since then! I just haven't had time to blog about it. Actually, I did another entry but it's on another computer. I'll put that up soon! Till then....good nite! |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 09,July,2004 | (June 9, 2004...typing this entry in the hospital) things that i (and/or) my family has been going through: 1. my dad had a heart attack 2. i had an interview scheduled (finally) 3. we took my dad to the ER 4. he went through open heart surgery (2 bypasses) 5. i had my interview and was offered the job! 6. my dad seemed like he was getting better but then he always had a high fever at night 7. at times, my dad seemed so confused and talked about the WEIRDEST things 8. they decided to get some testing done so he did a CT scan and it came out negative 9. i was already supposed to start working but didn't go in yet because my mom needs to be with him 24/7. (he's not happy here so he always tries to get up and leave. we also can't leave him because if he gets up, he might fall. my boss was pretty nice about it and even said that if i needed to take more time off to just let her know. 10. the confusion continues....doctors decided to have my dad do an MRI! the results came back as positive. it showed that my dad had TWO STROKES DURING HIS SURGERY! 11. we find out that despite the strokes, my dad is getting better and was going to move to the second floor for rehab and therapy. 12. his move was delayed because he had a high fever...again. 13. my dad got upset because he's so bored here! 14. he had another blood transfusion because his hemoglobin was so low. 15. they're not moving him to the rehab floor until he's more stable. 16. not only that....we received TERRIBLE news yesterday regarding my dad's brother (my uncle)....who he's close to! he passed away yesterday suddenly and my dad doesn't even know! my family and i are going through a lot! this has all been so physically and mentally exhausting for me and my family. my mom and i basically work in 12 hour shifts. she usually stays at the hospital during the night and i come in duirng the day. my brother also comes in between. he can't stay as long because he already has a family and a baby who's only one month old. sometimes i get so stressed, tired, and emotional. last monday, i just broke down in tears. i didn't want anyone to see but andy noticed. he really wanted me to go home and get some rest...but that didn't happen. anyway, my family and i are trying to figure out how and when we should break the news to my dad...regarding my uncle's death. so, earlier today, i was alone with my dad and the doctor (surgeon) came in to see how he was doing. he did what he had to do and then he walked out of the room. i told my dad that i had to go to the restroom when i really wanted to talk to the doctor. i told him the situation about my dad's brother's sudden passing. he basically said that his heart should handle it...esp. since it has been fixed. he, of course might be really upset but that he's physically able to handle it. he just suggested to give him a little more time before we break the news to him....at least till monday. so, if my dad ends up going to the funeral, he'll most likely be in a wheelchair. i just hope he gets released by that time. so, right now, we're telling all of his relatives that visit him to not say anything regarding the death. thankfully, everyone has been so understanding. this just feels so weird....to keep this big secret. my mom was hesitant w/ telling him. she didn't want to tell him at all. i understand her point....cuz she's worried about his health. but my suggestion was just to see what the doctor says. it would be so weird for my dad to go back home and then all of a sudden, his brother isn't around. he'll probably never forgive us if we never tell him. omg...so stressful. earlier this evening, my brother and i went to my uncel's house for the prayer. i wasn't planning on going cuz there was no one else around to watch my dad. andy was coming over but i didn't want to leave him alone with my dad. but since i have such a great bf, he was really understanding and wanted me to attend the prayer. so, that's what happened. my brother picked me up while andy stayed in the hospital to watch my dad. while andy was there, he pulled out his IV! my dad is just so irritated! poor him. so, we got to the house for the prayer and saw all my cousins! i'm still so much in shock. as i was telling the doctor, my voice was shaky cuz i almost cried. i feel bad for both sides. i feel bad...obviously, cuz my uncle died and i feel bad for my dad...for keeping this big secret from him. this weekend is my cousin's wedding in san francisco. before my brother had his baby, he was so excited because he was thinking that they can take their first road trip and show their baby to the rest of the family. that's not happening because maya hasn't gotten all her shots yet and she hasn't even been baptized. so, my mom was thinking that andy, my mom, dad, and i will go. well, obviously, that's not happening! also, my dad's side of the family was going. they were supposed to leave tonight....but that's not happening either! my uncle was so excited to go to the wedding. he was so excited to see all of his relatives. he wanted to get his watch fixed before they leave for the wedding, so he went to a jewelry shop somewhere in carson. i guess next door, there was a fish market and he gave his friend some money to buy fish while he gets his watch fixed in the jewelry store. all of a sudden, his friend heard a loud noise and saw my uncle on the floor. the people at the store immediately called 911 but they weren't able to revive him. he was gone so fast!! =( so, that's what has been going on with me. andy is also sad...cuz he misses me...at least that's what he says. he's been so supportive during this time! i haven't spent time with him in a loooong time. i've been spending most of my time in the hospital or in carson...sleeping. he came to the hospital today but i still didn't spend that much time with him since we went to the prayer. his parents also came to the hospital to visit today but i didn't get to see them. |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 01,July,2004 | So, I've been going back and forth to visit my dad at the hospital everyday. I feel like I should be there...not only for my dad but for my mom! For the past few days, I've been feeling bad because I'm not there as often as I'd like. My brother is there more often and he has a new family. My situation is kind of different. My car is working now (for the most part) but for some reason, we can't get it to pass smog. I've already paid for the registration but in order to get my stickers, I need to pass freakin' smog! So, on Monday, my brother picked me up and dropped me off just so I can see my dad. On Tuesday, I waited for Andy to come home so we both can visit. Today (Wednesday), I drove my car & dropped it off at my parent's house so I can drive my dad's camry to the hospital. I might be doing the same thing again tomorrow. Thank goodness my mom feels strong enough to spend the night at home. Otherwise, she'd probably be so weak by now! Also, thank goodness my aunt is with her. They've been sleeping @ my mom's house and going to the hospital in the mornings together! But tomorrow my aunt wont be able to go with her in the morning because she has to babysit Justin and Kayla. So, after my doctor's appointment tomorrow, I'll be going to the hospital (again) to keep my mom company. My dad seems to be doing better for the most part. They say that he does pretty good during the mornings and throughout the afternoon but after that, it's a different story. For some reason, he gets confused. At times, he'll even think he's at the gas station. He can make the most funniest comments though! Hehe. Poor dad! But anyway, I don't know when they'll release him. They're still doing tests on him because he's been having a high temp. ever since his surgery. It's never gone down and they can't figure it out. They do think that he may be confused because of his high temp.! Who knows? They're also supposed to be doing a CT scan and an MRI just to make sure nothing happened in his brain and also to make sure that he didn't have a stroke while he was going through surgery. On another note, at times, I don't think my parents get along that great but ever since this incident, I can't believe how much love I see between my parents. It makes me wanna cry! |
669,514 | female | 27 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 08,August,2004 | This will probably sound weird but I miss Andy. We haven't had time to ourselves for a while! We have just been busy with everything and everyone else, I guess. This past Wednesday, Andy took a half-day just so he can take my NY neice to the airport. Isn't that nice? Hehe. I was supposed to take her but it's much easier for Andy to leave work earlier than it is for me! If I did, I'd have some MAJOR catching up to do. The little outting with my coworkers didn't happen last night. Everyone was planning on going but for some reason, at the last minute, a majority of the staff had something else to do. Isn't that sad? They planned a goodbye/goodluck dinner for that guy and that didn't even happen. Actually, yesterday was probably a bad night, even for Tony because something's wrong with his knee. Apparently, he went to get it checked out that night and it just took longer than expected. We ended up still going out around midnight with that guy that left and two other coworkers. It was alright! Anyway, I just got back from spending the day with my friend, Grace. Andy went to work today so I went to Carson by myself. I had to go there because it was Jackie's son's 1st birthday. I ended up just tagging along with Grace, Tony, and Gavin! After that party, Grace and I went to Lynce's grandma's birthday. It was cool...esp. since we got to see Lynette and her kids! I haven't seen them for so long! I'm also excited because I get to see them again tomorrow. My friends are having a bon-fire so that's my plan for tomorrow. Andy wont be able to go because he already made plans to go to his friend's house to work on some landscaping in the backyard. Oh well. I'm sleepy so GOOD NIGHT! =) |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 21,May,2004 | So today sucks, I get no slepp and to top it off, my dad gets put into the hospital. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 20,May,2004 | Yes, I'm a Slipknot fan, and I have no idea what else to post so meh............ |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 20,June,2004 | Yesterday felt like a dream. Bobbie and I went to the movies. I really do love her. Anyway, for today, my parents made me get up, so right now it's 8:04 AM. That sucks. I hope Bobbie and I are able to go to the movies again sometime. Maybe I can go to her house, she could come here, the world never knows what will happen. Only clue as to what Bobbie and I did yesterday at the movies is, she is a really good kisser :P. 'It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.' |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 14,June,2004 | Bobbie, I know we only just met, but I feel like I have known you for ever. When we were together Saturday, I was calm, I wasn't my general self. I like what you're helping me become. To quote from a Slipknot song 'I never wanted anybody more, than I wanted you.' It explains how I feel about you. I want to spend every waking moment I have with you. You helped me be calm and peaceful Saturday. I want to be like that more. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can't stop thinking about you. It's like I'm stuck in a dream or a fantasy..................But if it is a dream, I never want to wake up from it. I treasure every moment I spend or talk to you as if it would be my last. I love and hate this feeling of not knowing when I'm going to be able to see you again. I want to see you again. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 05,June,2004 | Loky here, haven't made a post in a long time. Anyway, I'm here to anounce that I am starting a band, called Hymns of Hate. I will be vocals/guitar. My friend, Eric, is going to be the drummer. I'm still looking for a bass player, so if you can play, or know someone who can play, e-mail: [email protected]. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 15,July,2004 | About 10 minutes ago I tripped over my coffee table. My leg hurts like hell now. Not to metion the fact that I've been pretty much emotionally drained for some reason. I don't know if my parents read this, but if they do, I don't care. For about 4 days straight I was having suicidal thoughts. It took my two best friends awhile to calm me down. I wish I would have known Bobbie cared about me that much, if I would have, I wouldn't have had those thoughts, I think. I made a promise to her that I won't hurt myself as long as she's there for me. So yeah, I wish I would have cleared something up before I made that promise, sometimes hurting myself a little helps me pass time. No, I don't carve into my arm, just a little hit with a chain over my arm or something. Well, now that I'm thinking about it again, it's bringing back pain. I'm gonna go for a bit. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 07,July,2004 | Bobbie came over to my house yesterday. My dad wouldn't trust us in my room alone together, damn bastard.....I asked him if we could go for a walk, he said sure. So Bobbie and I went for like an hour long walk. That was a lot of fun. Bobbie, if/when you read this, I love you and want to be with you forever. I never thought I could feel this way about someone. I'm going to say what all Bobbie and I talked about and did, but we had some long talks, and yes, we did kiss. All the information I'm going to give out. Alright, I'm gonna go for a bit, I'll post again when I have some free time. I love you Bobbie. ~~~~~~My life has been turned into a dream~~~~~~ |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 03,July,2004 | I haven't made a post in a long time, sorry bout that. Anyway, to my actual post. The past three days have fucking sucked. I've been puking for some reason, I never get sick this time of the year. Worst part about that, is yesterday, I started to puke up blood. At least I think it was blood, I mean, I don't drink any redish fluids. Today my dad forced me to go to a cook-out somewhere I've never been. I love my dad, but sometimes he pisses me off so badly.............He kept calling me gay in front of my family because I'm always wearing these two bracelets Bobbie gave me. Hopefully Bobbie can come over on Monday, I miss her so much. I started pushing my hair out of my face, now it looks somewhat good. Did I say I miss Bobbie yet, I did, well I'll say it again. I miss Bobbie a lot. That's most of the pain I'm going through right now. I'm going into detail on the rest, I'm just going to say if you knew it, you'd probably need a theripist. If Bobbie calls me tomorrow, she said she would, I have trust in her. I'm going to read this to her over the phone, damn, in order to print it out, I need to put more paper in the printer, but I'm too lazy to get up. I always get off the computer when I'm on the phone, I don't know why. My dad is rushing me off the computer. So bleh, it was a long post. I'll try to do it again sometime...:P ~_~I am the one who waits, I am the one who is here, I am the one that will always be~_~ |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 07,August,2004 | So much has happened since I last posted, I don't feel like typing but oh well. Bobbie and I split up. Yes, I know I fucked up somewhere, actually, I know exactly where I fucked up at. It comes down to a fucking phone call, one god damned call. Who knew one call could ruin so much? I know I didn't. The person who called me knows who they are, and I will say it as simply as this, fuck you and get the hell out of my life. I know it seems rude, but, still get the fuck out of my life. I will say this to a certain person, not the one that called me. It seems that you can do as you want to, so I'm going to start doing as I want. Pain, pain, pain. Pain is a fucked up feeling for me. I am in a lot of pain, but hell, I don't care anymore, I've gotten used to it. Now I'm having a fit of laughter because it was so obvious. It would be so easy to blame others for my problems right now, but I think apart of getting older is realizing your mistakes, and I am standing up and taking the blame fully for how I feel. Bobbie and I could get back together, but I doubt that is going to happen. This was meant to be a serious post, but I can't find the words I want to use, so fuck it, now I'm just going to joke around. Myk, you type way to much man. Geez, if I could type that much I'd have books out. Zaph, well, Zaph and I have difenately lost connection somewhere. Damn, back to the seriousness of things, I think I might have to go see my old therapist if I keep these feelings up. God damn, I keep typing for no reason, so I'm going to end this post, more than likely you will have a very longer post tomorrow. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 31,May,2004 | The drugs began to take hold.... We were somewhere We were somewhere We were somewhere When it all took hold We weer somewhere This story must be told RED SHARK!!! Mescaline, Lsd, only missing PCP Only exsisting to exist Only looking for the american dream we were somewhere (spoken by Zaph) As your attorney I advise As your attorney I advise As your attorney!!! I ADVISE!!!!! Back door Beauty? Back door beauty? Lizards and a twenty foot nazi One hand WASHES THE OTHER!!!! I FEAR NOTHING!!!! We were somewhere We were somewhere We were somewhere around barstow when the drugs began to take hold.... Back door beauty??? Honkey FAGGOT I CANT HAVE THAT!!! I ADVISE I ADVISE I ADVISE I ADVISE I FEAR NOTHING!!!! Back door beauty.... |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 30,May,2004 | (quazi spoken): If I'm lucky my neck well snap If not its suffacation maybe this is what i need An eternal vacation I'm sorry if its hard for you to understand Im sorry if you dont realize I am but a man I'm sorry if you realize that there is little i can do I try my best, do what i can, do everything for you I wish I had the power to make all the pain go away I wish i had the knowledge and the right thing to say I wish I had some magick, a special little spell I wish you knew no evil, i wish you knew no hell. Follow me, i cant promise, its the right way to go I can only say: THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!!!! If I'm lucky my neck well snap If not its suffacation maybe this is what i need An eternal vacation I am a dumb little boy I am useless I am just a Toy So not completely useless I am just a stupid kid i dont know what im doing What i give is what i get What i give i'm losing People all around say that im insane People all around claim that Im insane people all around ME!!!!! Claim that im INSANE!! maybe im insane out of my mind Im just dumb and trying to find some happiness I'm just a stupid kid a dumb little boy If I'm lucky my neck well snap If not its suffacation maybe this is what i need AN ETERNAL VACATION!!!!! Stupid boy foolish boy stupid kid such an idiot I'm sorry if its hard for you to understand Im sorry if you dont realize I am but a man I'm sorry if you realize that there is little i can do I try my best, do what i can, do everything for you I wish I had the power to make all the pain go away I wish i had the knowledge and the right thing to say I wish I had some magick, a special little spell I wish you knew no evil, i wish you knew no hell. Follow me, i cant promise, its the right way to go I can only say: THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!!!! |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 28,May,2004 | Single mother was my ma 'cause my father, he ran off he just packed up and left and left me, his little mess no father figure no need for one forever and always a bastard son no father figure no need for one forever and always a bastard son My father, met another now she is, my step mother and they have a baby boy he treats him nicely, buys him toys im up here, he tries to visit offers me money i dont resist it some retribution for running away he gives me money he owes, he pays but money doesnt fill the void and ive always been a bit annoyed by the fact a man can leave his kid maybe he'd come back.... he never did No father figure no need for one forever and always a bastard son dont call him 'dad' cuz hes not one to me hes just a broken condom im an accident so just leave me im an accident so let me be i dont need a family I dont need your charity i dont need your sympathy I just want some clarity wish you took responsibility I've got along through life so far and when im sixteen youll get me a car maybe to replace a year or two of lost time of lost love of lost memories but it wont help your just a check Just a check No father figure, no need for one always and forever a bastard son |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 25,May,2004 | *slaps Twik* |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 24,May,2004 | Firetruck yeah im talkin about firetrucks Myk loves firetrucks I love frogs Twik loves guys, but thats okay TWIKS gay! Yeah but thats okay Fire trucks and frogs And Mitch hedburg Loves koalas! I Love frogs! Myk loves......Firetrucks! AND VIRTUOSITY!!!!! AND SNORTING SUGAR!!!!! but i love frogs dont even act like i didnt buy that firetruck i put it in a frog and twik was all like (spoken by twik) Im so gay! FROGS FIRETRUCKS!!! |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 24,May,2004 | This is a very serious subject.....pants..... Pants(repeat 30 times) And thats all im really trying to say!!!!! PANTS!!! PANTS!!!! (spoken by twik) Pants???? NO!!!! PANTS!!! PANTS!!!! |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 24,May,2004 | This is the song, Myk made up for me, To sing very, Dramatically, I cry for you and your lack of pants Fooooooorrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuuuuu, Need Some Pants You Need Some Pants(repeat for 2 and a half minutes) Seriously, dude. Put some damn pants on. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | I need some pants.(repeat 14 times) (Spoken by Twik) ummmm.....turtles? NO!! I need some pants.(repeat 15 times) |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | I wish I had a bag of boxes. If I had a bag of boxes I would Have a bag of boxes in each box would be a bag in each bag would be more boxes And this would go on for ever and eternity and always yeah me and my bag of boxes Now i have a bag of boxes ANd inside this Bag of boxes there are more and more boxes and more bags and boxes Bags! BOXES!!! (spoken by twik) ....ummmm Barrels? NO!!!! Bags and boxes Bags and boxes We need not barrel barrel need not apply im a bag and box kinda guy I wish I had a bag of boxes forever with my Bag of boxes eternity with my bag always with my bag of boxes Bag-Of-Boxes-Be-infernally-eternal! B-O-Boxes Bag-O-B's Bag of boxes be infernally eternal I wish I had a bag of boxes. If I had a bag of boxes I would Have a bag of boxes in each box would be a bag in each bag would be more boxes And this would go on for ever and eternity and always yeah me and my bag of boxes Bag!!!!! of BOXES!!!!! |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | There are slits on your wrist while i yearn for your kiss and you claim that nobody loves you I wish you understood that i can be good I wish i could make you see I want you do you want me? There are tears in your eyes I just want you to smile you say your alone ill be here for awhile I might not exist I might not matter But i'm here when you need me youll see i want you do you want me? We both cried when we lost each other and when i got back you were with another better then me and smarter then me and i dont wanna stay Jack without Sally Im sorry, truly you say you are too. but memories just dont go away they just stay and make things worse so much time spent was it all in vain? You have slits on your wrist whilest i yearn for a kiss and you claim no one wants you yeah im here for you always Jack without sally yeah im here for you always Jack without Sally |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | Love, Fuck it, fuck it hard, listen to me your freindly bard (repeat twice) Fuck you! My emotions are your toy. Fuck you! I guess im just a dumb little boy. You were never my girl. Fuck you.... Make me wait oh so long, there for a moment then your gone. I just need some time alone. I just need to find a home. I just need someone to hold. I just need to be told....those three little words.... I just need some time alone... I just need to find a home. I need someone to hold..... I loved you, but fuck you, but fuck you....fuck you. Fuck you. I just need some time alone. I just need some time alone. I just need some time alone. I just need to find a home. I just need someone to hold. I just need to be told....those three little words.... |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | Geni Sauce By Zaphlon ( zac roberts) Part One.... Genesis This is a story A completely true story None of it’s made up Except for the parts that are Verse 1 Long ago when Evil cattle lived in Atlantis They ate lots of broccoli and hunted wooly mammoth But the Evil Cattle king had no Evil cattle Queen He went to America and set off the country’s balance It sunk into the ocean and ryhmin to balance is not what I do Verse 2 The cattle king went to Indian land, and there he went to the chief At first, it was cool, but he wanted to turn the evil cattle king into beef So the Indians summoned a monster But when the monster spoke He told a joke And nobody laughed The lil monster got mad So he went home and told his dad His dad came back and killed them all That’s how baby’s are made in the monster’s ball END,yo |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | Culture Lesson by Myk Doolin (Spoken) I had to shoot it to make sure it was dead (Verse 1) Cut through the neck and became an apparition, Lightsaber vs. taser would make one big collision Gained more power and knowledge through being alchemistic The Faust that has become me, no soul, just optimistic Don’t ask how, just know why, it’s confusing, but still try, understand the ways of defeating the albatross simple and low loss, state of mind, you’re your own boss hack life, make it work at your own cost fault phantoms spread like viruses throughout the human race tracing and erasing the truth, and the real face, one big lie, waiting to be envisioned through our eyes when we die but yet, everyone seems to still have pride, why? You may ask this, but really it’s common sense, they’re all blocked by a misleading monolith (Chorus: Faith No More’s Epic) You want it all, but you can’t have it It’s in your face but you can’t grab it (Verse 2) some people perceive me as a herbal twister maybe it’s the way I think creativity is my girl and I can’t resist her immortality came back when I lost my top and died listen up you primitive screw heads, are you outta your mind do you even know your kind find yourself, makes life divine out of time, wait a second, I’m in a time machine, I got all the time I need, wanna go back, and make time for me? Haven’t ya seen, the buzz you can get from caffeine Methamphetamines make minds obscene like a latrine The unknown third bean in the salad, watch out Stab you in the back with a phoenix talon Didn’t expect it, you shoulda wrote it down in blood with a pin Visional arithmetic, how every human wants their kin (Chorus: Faith No More’s Epic x 2) You want it all, but you can’t have it It’s in your face, but you can’t grab it (Spoken) You might not know what this is…………But, you know you want it……..and you know you can’t have it, but you’re willing to do almost anything to get it…………Sometimes, you gotta work around what doesn’t come…………but, always remember, it’ll get there soon enough. Traffic I’m gonna walk out into traffic With no red lights I’m gonna walk out into traffic With no yields or stop signs A walk out into traffic My life |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | Paradox, Double cross, never ends, never stops It doesnt go but always rock watch it go slow fast now your mind will blow Yeah it's time enough at last. when did you last laugh? when did you last smile, yeah it's been awhile I'm always here so have no fear. Yeah it's time enough at last. when did you last laugh? when did you last smile, yeah it's been awhile When I'm all alone, it's the twilight zone when im all alone the twilight zone Yeah it's time enough at last. when did you last laugh? when did you last smile, yeah it's been awhile |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | I'm not rap. no im hard rock, yeah emo thats me I'm not hot but your so damn sexy im not cool but you are and this i see I love you baby. Yeah ya rock, rock my f***in socks off yeah your so cool, baby I love you I feel out of place, i once was last, now im winning the race. oh i love your face smile,laugh and all your traits Yeah i think you should know. I'm losing all control. Yeah ya rock, rock my f***in socks off yeah your so cool, baby I love you |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | The label says take one. so what if I take four? the label says take one. so what if I took more. the label says take one. but thats a bit too late the label says take one i already took eight. I need my little pill I need it to sit still. Helps me to be happy. My little pill. The label says take one there are no more to take the label says take one that is far too late the label lies i need more one is not enough i need more the label says take one i need more. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | When Spring dies, summer grows fall comes, and then it goes winter comes, and then it snows there is no escaping, those are the rules there is no escaping, those are the rules The seasons change and so do we. we all do. we cant stay we all must move we live, we die we smile, we cry winter,spring,summer,fall you want one and get them all so I die, you will live, you have so much more to give so i smile and you cry perhaps its time for me to die? winter,summer,spring and fall. i have lived through them all. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | Small slashes by zac roberts. They cover your arms. (why) they bring such harm. (why) why the yearning? (to die) Small slashes, little lines, on your arms, all the time. bleeding red on skin so white helping to get through the night. Small slashes, Little lines bleeding red on skin so bright bleeding down all through the night can they make everything right? these little slashes on skin so white. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 22,May,2004 | Hey, this is the official M3Z blog. Not much yet. Soon i will post lyrics to all of the songs I (zaphlon) have wrote. Here's what to expect:(songs i have finished, expect up in a week or so) 1.Time enough at last 2.Bag of boxes 3.Love song 4. F*** you 5.Four seasons 6. Small slashes 7. Pill song .......these will all be up in 1 week. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 15,June,2004 | Can't do anything Can't do anything Can't do anything I'm a loser an unobtainable love a forever out of reach I'm a loser You don't want me you don't want me you don't want me I was never out of reach I was never unobtainable I was always there when you needed me And I always will be allways be there I've been a bastard you've been a bitch I've been there tho and always will be I'm a loser You dont want me I'm a loser You dont want me Be happy and move on Be happy and move on and maybe at some future time I've always been yours But you'll finally be mine Can't do anything Can't do anything Can't do anything |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 13,June,2004 | I want you to know I'm just waitin til you die waitin til you die so i can write a sing bout it I want you to know I want you to know I'm just waitin til you die waitin til you die so i can write a sing bout it I want you to know I want you to know I'm just waitin til you die waitin til you die so i can write a sing bout it I want you to know |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 13,June,2004 | Little light little burn pass around take a turn spin the wheel spark spin the wheel spark spin the WHEEL!!! spark Im sorry man, im insane im sorry mam, im insane im sorry, ive got a fetish for the flame the flame I love the fire love the heat love the burn love the sound smell so sweat I love the turn ing of the wheel spin so fast cuz a spark make a spark hits the gas make a spark make a spark make a spark make a spark a fetish for the flame a fetish for this game a game of pain sorry mam but im insane sorry man im insane sorry sorry sorry make a spark make a spark metal sound calming metal sound so soothing metal sound uplifting metal sound.... MOVING!!! IM SORRY MAN IM SORRY MAM IM INSANE IM INSANE IVE GOT A FETISH FOR THE FLAME!!!!! make a spark... |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 08,June,2004 | (sung slowly): Me and my buddy Steve We went walking down the street We saw this old women with green hair it was neat Me and steve walked into a bar and saw this chick we asked for her number, she said no.... i said: Well okay...then ummm.. STEVE FUCKING STABBED HER (sung slipknot esque): STEVE FUCKING STEVE FUCKING STEVE FUCKING STABBED HER ............... (spoken by twik):Really I've known steve my whole life? YEAH STEVES FUCKING CRAZY (spoken by zaph): He's insane man.... STEVE FUCKING STEVE FUCKING STEVE FUCKING STABBED HER STEVE FUCKING STEVE FUCKING STEVE FUCKING STABBED HER |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 07,June,2004 | Emotions devoted To everything that’s been coated In my hate for this macabre life You Fight You Die Or just got forget about Want something more? JUST FUCKIN FEEL ME NOW Time is passing Nobody’s Lassie No one on the street is gonna STOP AND HELP YOU OUT They take one glance And you’re critiqued Their judgment is settled UNABRIGED AND COMPLETE CROWS Can make What’s wrong RIGHT With these Words I will FIGHT Ball up your fists Protect the whole clique Wanna take risks CEASE AND ASSIST (Chorus) With these words I will FIGHT With these words I will IGNITE With these words FIGHT x 6 Emotions devoted To everything that’s been coated In my hate for this macabre life Time is passing Nobody’s Lassie No one on the street is gonna STOP AND HELP YOU OUT You Fight You Die OR JUST GOT FORGET ABOUT Want something more? JUST FUCKIN FEEL ME NOW They take one glance AND YOU'RE CRITIQUED Their judgment is settled UNABRIGED AND COMPLETE (Chorus) With these words I will FIGHT With these words I will IGNITE With these words FIGHT x 9 |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 04,June,2004 | Fuck it. Fuck her. I don't need this. Fuck it all. Fuck it all. Fuck you. Fuck it. I don't need this. Fuck it all Fuck it all. Fuck love. I don't need it. I don't need this I don't want this. Fuck it Fuck this Fuck this very negative emotion Fuck it all. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 02,June,2004 | I dream of reality Of simpler things and Fantasies Of every thing that cannot be and everything i believe should be I dream of reality Of simpler things and fantasies I dream of Love Life I dream of thee I dream of reality I need to get a grip, emotions and words slip. If i trip I will never rise just lay there and close my eyes And slowly fade to black never coming back I see no need to be a prisoner of reality a prisoner of what people say I want to live on my terms and allow others to do so too i wanna be happy thats what i wanna do I want to mean and i want to live i dont want to just merely exist in a sea of people, they pass by millions dying, millions cry That i dont know and never will reality is a jagged pill bittersweet forever wish things were better wish people knew like they could see im not insane im just me your all insane im just me I dream of reality Of simpler things and Fantasies Of every thing that cannot be and everything i believe should be I dream of reality Of simpler things and fantasies I dream of Love Life I dream of thee I dream of reality I need to find someone to hold so i can be told 'I love you' and 'I love you too' that is what i need to do a lover a friend a companion someone who's love will never end I may be young and foolish it all may be untrue its the only way to live its the only way I dream of reality Of simpler things and Fantasies Of every thing that cannot be and everything i believe should be I dream of reality Of simpler things and fantasies I dream of Love Life I dream of thee I dream of reality |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 02,June,2004 | Zaphlon has written all but the following songs: Pants 1 and 2 Culture Traffic and Pure sounds of entertainment. |
3,403,305 | male | 14 | Student | Aquarius | 08,August,2004 | Hehe, it's Loky, I'm going to post a song that I wrote. If I find out it was stolen, I'll hunt you down and kill you. Have a nice day. I've got scars you can't see A past of misery Then along came you You changed everything about me Now you're out of my life again How can I still be like you wanted me to be? It comes down to this You wanted this you wanted that I gave, I gave, I gave, I gave I never asked for a single thing Now is my time, I want You to know, how bad I am doing, without you All I wanted, was you Now you abandoned me I'm alone once again I've got scars you can't see A past of misery Then along came you You changed everything about me Now you're out of my life again How can I still be like you wanted me to be? I want to be numb again But this pain will not go away You've screwed me over To many times before I refuse to fall this time You can not win anymore Because I have grown immune To your words, to your pain I've grown immune..... TO YOU I've got scars you can't see A past of misery Then along came you You changed everything about me Now you're out of my life again How can I still be like you wanted me to be? |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 31,July,2004 | Once upon a time I had mused on the topic of the initial courting period. I said you can’t believe who a person is, or rather presents, during the first 6 months. We’re all on our best behaviour. There’s no farting, no real scratching of any body parts that aren’t publicly sheathed, and there’s an internal sensor diagnosing what should be said and filtering what absolutely should not. Sure, we fall in love, but in the end is it the real person we’re falling in love with or is it the illusion that person created? We created. It’s exhausting. I’ve just recently found someone. I admittedly placed an ad in the mega online dating service. The way I phrased my profile I thought I’d get... well, I don’t know who I’d get. He was my first contact. My first. My high school lover. My favourite flavour. And things went well... eventually. And now he means something. I fucking hate this. Why do I think he’s going to break up with me at any moment? I get nervous and paranoid if he hasn’t emailed me by a certain time. Yes, of course he has work he needs to do. It’s fantastic knowing there are other people in his life that he needs tending to. My rational mind fully comprehends that. My irrational mind is often wondering, “Did I say something wrong in my last email? Was there something I did or said that could make him change his mind about me?” Perhaps the reason for our need for perfection is if we feel perfect, flawless, we will be rendered lovable. If we are less than perfect how can we be loved? We find it so easy to love and forgive our friends when they are painfully, endearingly and beautifully flawed. Why is it so difficult for ourselves? Maybe it’s from being scared of needing someone. I’m 35 years old. I’m supposed to be a big girl now. I should have a career. I should have a car still. I should still own a house. But I don’t anymore. I gave all those things up, including the big girl, when I left my marriage. I should be able to do it on my own. That’s what the ads say. They don’t play Double Mint gum commercials anymore, where pleasure and fun were amplified when in pairs. There’s now a societal pull towards self-sufficiency, I-am-Woman-hear-me-meow mentality where the image of strength within femininity is wearing very powerful lingerie and using giant cans as a weapon of mass affectation. How do I tell him he feels like home when he holds me? There’s so much that new love stirs up. The two people in question become mirrors to each other. In the beginning you can see what that other person sees in you: that perfect creature you’ve always wanted to be and sometimes convince yourself you are. The problem is maintaining perfection is an unachievable illusion. We create things, but if they don’t stand the test of time or technology we scrap it, forgetting the path which took us there and in the end abandoning all and ourselves. We become embarrassed by our past. “We were young and stupid”, we worldly surmise over a luscious cocktail... or nine. We berate ourselves, relinquishing process for product where the final end result had better be fucking good and we’d better have something bling to show for it. When one has been in a serious, long term relationship (I’d been married for 7 1/2 years), we often end up resenting the other person mostly because we have felt like we’d been taken advantage of. We too had also taken advantage. We know they’re going to be there at the end of the day. We know that as soon as dinner is ready we’re going to head for our appointed stations in front of the television, yet again captivated by an episodic Frasier Crane doing a repeat performance, studio audience’s canned laughter, cold comfort. We say we hate it when we’re in a relationship where one day repeats itself over and over again. A glitch in the Matrix. Not even a glitch, it’s more like a master reel someone inserts; a cinematic day-in-the-life scenario that is rewound and replayed ad infinitum. One’s life amounting to nothing more than edited dailies, eventually understanding fully how there is no greater loneliness than the lonely felt while being with a partner. So we move on (give up?) when the going gets boring and there’s no sign of hope or light. We resolve to take this new knowledge, the stuff we don’t want, into the next relationship. But where does that leave us? Being a bunch of spoiled kids with miniscule attention spans never fully understanding the sacrifice and potential payoff of total commitment? Or in search of true love? I don’t know. What I do know is when I look at the new one it’s absolutely exhilerating. When he holds me it feels like home. He’s careful and considerate. He’s flawed. He’s marvellous. But falling in love with someone new really makes you examine all the bits of yourself that you just relaxed into and didn’t really care about because there had already been someone who claimed loved you, knew you, even when you didn’t feel you were getting the kind of love you wanted or hoped you deserved. I think I’m just scared of the response. What if my feelings aren’t reciprocated? I know I should remember that Donald Kaufman line from Adaptation, “You are what you love, not what loves you”, but it feels like such a huge risk. I don’t really think the odds are against me. I just never realised how chicken I can be. Love’s making me question everything. Myself. My surroundings. The way I’ve been living my life up until now. I feel like a death-defying tight-rope walker with no balancing rod, just an empty, cavernous pit below me. But I do see his smile. The safety net. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 19,August,2004 | So I’m planning a party for my ex-husband’s belated birthday party this coming Saturday. Called all the peeps, deciding on what to make, to buy. Thankfully I've worked out what I'm wearing. I got t-shirts made with iron-on logos in the front commemorating the day. Well, not really the day, but just a nickname Death calls Mike. I call him Ack. Death calls him Peenut. My print broker thought the spelling was off; it suggested a leaky ball. I think that was Death's design. I kept the actual design to a cute little line drawing. The shirts are wicked. We all have our pet names on the back, with our special numbers we're particularly attached to. Mine is Sunshine 33. Death's is Death 13 and Ack's is Peenut 36. Yay! I was so delighted when the t-shirt guy applied all the letters and numbers. What a treat. It's better than seeing yourself on television! Suddenly I find myself feeling a little better about circumstances. No, I still don’t have the love I want, but it is really great to have some of those people that you think are God’s gift to the world come over to your house for a one night event. I think this party will be just as important for me as it will be for Ack. And my sweet Fergus is coming! Yay! |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 17,August,2004 | I was writing in my journal this morning about my last night. Kind of pits of despair nether-regions. Nothing too drastic. It only made my want to have one little glass of vodka, happy I didn't have any beer in the house as it would have been too much liquid, and truthfully, the bubbles would have been too chipper and cheerful. Last night I felt A-L-O-N-E. I was in such a yuck state last night I ended up emailing David. Yeah, great. Like I haven't put myself on the line enough lately. Obviously I just needed further rejection. I think I just felt at the end of my tether emotionally. What's another stab? Like I haven't been humiliated enough recently. I do like being alone. What I don't like is being lonely. Being single and alone is a hell of a lot better than being with someone and alone. So I'll take it, if there is a choice. And if I'm to remember the big girl who is embracing Buddhism and mysticism then I should remember that these feelings bring me closer to my own truth. However... I still felt lonely last night. Why isn't a wonderful body of friends not enough sometimes? Well, you can't get too physically close to friends. It's too confusing. I was dying for it last night. Not sex, per se, just the closeness felt when two people who care so much about each other are together and beauty is created. Then tears welled up. Sucks. I can't tell everyone about this. Yeah, so that's why I'm blogging. I told Dirty. She was great. She told me she was lonely too. Somehow this made me feel better. I don't know why. It really makes no rational sense. I think it was the same feeling I had when I watched that 20/20 episode on Attention Deficit Disorder. I was no longer alone. There is comfort. The thing is I think what so many people are going through is utter bullshit. They don't want to get tied down. They don't want the titles 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend'. It implies too much. Makes them responsible to too much. To one. Really, they are so afraid of having their guts torn out that they hold back constantly, never fully giving of themselves, always the back of their minds thinking this new person is going to rip the shit out of them. Me. Shit-ripper. So they sabotage their efforts. My friend Dirty was supposed to go on a buying trip with her current boss down in NYC. The night before she'd run into me quite by accident. A happy accident. We decided to go down the street and visit mutual friends that worked at a neighbouring restaurant, after closing hours. Dirty decided she could stay for ONE drink. Ian, my lovely, wise for his years and wonderful friend, generous to a fault, particularly when it comes to pouring vodka, made Dirty a Caesar. Normally, and I have worked as a bartender for many years, this drink contains, at most 1 1/2oz of liquor. Ian didn't measure, but by internal counts he'd put in approximately 5oz of vodka. Ian didn't know Dirty had driven. Ian also didn't know she hadn't eaten anything that day. She'd also ordered a shot of tequila, something I'd never seen her do in all the years of knowing her. A decade. She got so wasted she was hurling matter and non-matter in the basement's washroom, replete with the most beautiful and refreshingly chilled porcelain goddess Dirty's ever borne witness to. She worshipped for an hour. She poisoned herself. She didn't want to go to New York with Wendy, her boss. She was trying to sabotage the effort. She wanted to make herself so sick she couldn't possibly board a plane, let alone drive with her to Buffalo, Wendy's idea, where airfare is deeply discounted from there vs. from Pearson's YYZ. Cheap cunt. She still went, begrudgingly obliged, still sick, and had a horrible time. Ian is my self-professed Detachment Specialist. He doesn't listen to the women he has sex with if they talk about themselves and try to endear themselves to him. He says, 'Mm-hm' and 'uh-huh' in roughly the right places, but when there's a lull in conversation he'll turn to the girl in question and say, 'Sex, now? Now sex?' Ian heatseeks 'warm bodies'. He says he doesn't want the complication of the next morning, or mornings to come. When I ask him about meeting the great girls, the ones he can really see himself with and potentially giving him some extra happiness, he wriggles in his skin saying, 'Too scary. Don't want.' He later confesses his tactics are a lonely road. What do I want? I want something incredibly meaningful. I don't want 'him' to be my everything. Whoever Him is. I've got a lot going on with my friends and the life I really love right now. I want extra meaning, though. I want to be cherished and loved in the same way I give it out. Well, not exactly the same, otherwise I'd know exactly how it's to come and it would no longer be so exhilerating. Kind of like tickling yourself. You know it's coming, so it's not tickly. So why is masterbating so good? Hmm. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 17,August,2004 | Lying in bed with Jeremy the other night we were talking about feelings and how at this one particular point I'd felt as if my heart had opened, broken and this invisible metal shielding came up to protect it. My eyes would almost glaze over and I felt... nothing. It didn't feel right nor good. He thought it was positive. These mechanisms were in place so we didn't have to hurt as much or, in reality, feel as much. I told him I don't operate that way. I don't not want to feel everything. I don't think it's healthy. We try so hard in so many areas of our lives of pretending so many parts. We pretend we're happier than we are, more together, maybe a little richer, more successful. But really it's something other than what we're really feeling. My mother had called a few days ago asking if I'd accompany her to Alberta to do a reconnaisance mission to see if my estranged brother was alright. I told her I wouldn't go and I didn't think it was a good idea for her to go. She thought otherwise and accused me of being less than compassionate. I told her that everyone has his own time to figure things out. Sometimes it's harder to figure when there's someone over your shoulder questioning, wanting, wishing for more; answers, reasons. People need to come to their own conclusions in their own time. All we can do is support them in their time of needing space to make those decisions. Sometimes, in our infinite wisdom (she spake with a great deal of irony), we know exactly what the problem is and what the solutions are for these individuals, but it takes a great deal of love and compassion to step back and allow them to figure it out themselves. This is a lesson that took me 35 years to figure out. So when Mom asked me how she could demonstrate her love for her son, I told her to keep her love in her heart and when he comes back, and he will, don't hold anything against him for wanting to figure things out and taking the time. I told her I did very much the same as my brother, Walter, in terms of extricating myself from the family at times. She didn't understand. She didn't really remember. I stopped going to certain family functions just because they weren't fun. No one had a good time. Everyone was trying to convince everyone else of his or her own personal success, whatever that meant to the individual. For me it meant projecting far more happiness than I actually felt, projecting a happier marriage than I really had. This is the problem with clowns. Clowns have a paid responsibility to make the masses laugh. It's what we think is our mandate. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and they just leave. So keep 'em laughing. And on just this topic: From Leoncavello's Pagliacci, Canio's aria, Vesti la Giubba: ~Consumed with despair on discovering his wife's infidelity, Canio gets ready for performance because the show must go on... First in Italian, well... just... because! RECITAR!... VESTI LA GIUBBA Recitar!... mentre preso dal delirio non so più quel che dico e quel che faccio! Eppur... è d'uopo... sforzati! Bah! Sei tu forse un uom? Tu se' Pagliaccio! Vesti la giubba, e la faccia infarina. La gente paga e rider vuole qua. E se Arlecchin t'invola Colombina, ridi, Pagliacco, e ognun applaudirà! Tramuta in lazzi lo spasmo ed il pianto, in una smorfia il singhiozzo e'l dolor - Ah! Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto. Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor. And in English, for us gloriously sad and loving creatures of beauty and buffoonery: TO PERFORM!... PUT ON YOUR COSTUME To perform! In the throes of delirium I don't know anymore what I'm saying, what I'm doing! Still... you must... force yourself! Bah! Are you a man or not? You're just a clown! Put on your costume, and make up your face. People are paying, they want to laugh. And when Arlecchino takes away your Colombina, laugh, you clown, and everyone will cheer! Turn your agony and your tears into buffoonery, your sobbing and pain into a funny grimace - Ah! Laugh, you clown, at your broken love. Laugh at the pain which poisons your heart. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 13,August,2004 | Holy Moly! There is one thing in this world I will never fathom: the consistent sketchy behaviour of some people. And they are consistent, in their sketchiness. Now with sketchy, I'm not talking about the drug induced sketch of today, I'm talking the old school definition: adj. one who is routinely late, and usually coupled with being unreliable. Yes. Well, much of my friendbase consists of these such people. There's Damian. Damian's wicked. I love Damian. What Damian does is promise you the world, but in the end he backs out, or changes plans without consulting you and you're left potentially with packed bags anticipating a cottage weekend, mentally preparing yourself for bug bites aplenty, but the phone doesn't ring. You try to call him and the phone doesn't answer. Damian is so sketchy that you can't even leave a message on his phone because his mailbox is constantly full of people in exactly the same situation I am. He makes up for it, though. He's always very, very sorry. But mostly he's disarmingly charming and eventually I did end up going to said cottage and having a wonderful time with him and other friends. Then there's Jeremy. Jesus Christ. He has this affliction, not unlike Leonard Shelby's, from the movie Momento. He has little to no short term memory. It's fascinating and it's irritating both at the same time. For example we'd made tentative, unconfirmed plans to see a baseball game. Things were fine. We'd been chatting throughout the week via email. Nice, nice, nice. Then at one point I'd asked him how his Friday was looking. He said he had these tickets to go see a baseball game. No mention of going with me, just that he had these tickets.... Yeah. It's impossible to make plans with him mostly because there's no real way of knowing if he's going to remember he'd just made plans with you. It's wild, really. He's really bright, but there are moments that I think, 'Jesus, he can't be that stupid.' So, I'm now the stupid one because *again* I've made plans with him and he's completely sketched out again. He called today around lunchtime. Chat, chat, chat. Fine. We make loose plans for tonight. He called firming them up. Said I'd receive a call by 5:00. It's now almost 8:00. Yeah. Okay, well he just called and he's not a totally unsensitive jerk-wad. He was out with a female friend/ co-worker and she had just told him the most heinous, horrific tale of her marital predicament. It turned out that he'd also received a package from his lawyer outlining his divorce proceedings. So he and his friend had much to comiserate. He had just lost track of the time. It happens. Not to me, but it happens. When he did call he sounded totally shaken up, mostly from the tale told to him by this young woman. I'll never know this story, which is just fine. I'm glad that he was a friend to her, in this world of not-too-friendly people sometimes. And this is why I can still be friends with Jeremy and forgive him his own very unique brand of sketchy behaviour. If we can't understand and then forgive our friends their foibles and inconsistencies then what kind of friend would we be? Not so good. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 10,August,2004 | I love boys. Guys are great. Men are alright, but guys and boys are righteous! Case in point: I'd just gone to the Curiosa Festival to see Mogwai (wicked) and Interpol (ruled). I met up with Mike, Pete and Gotham. Gotham, I'd pointed out, had the best name I'd heard all day. Probably all month, if not all of this year. I like the dynamics of boys. When guys meet other guys, in certain circumstances, it's very reminescent of being kids. When we're kids we see another kid, approach them simply because we're the same height and at the same eye level. There's also the potential of play involved. One kid will invite the other kid to play. Sometimes there's an exchange of names right from the start. Sometimes the names aren't brought into the fold until the end, when someone's Mom calls him in for dinner. Last night was very much like that. I knew Mike, a cook, from a local watering hole. He brought Pete, a best mate of Jimmy's, one of the bartenders at said watering hole. Both Pete and Jimmy are from England, England. Both are hilarious. Jimmy couldn't come. So the three of us are laughing, smoking pot, talking about stuff, critiquing a particularly bad band, and laughing extra hard because the smoke has caught up. Then to my left, Gotham had appeared. No one knew Gotham, but he had a wonderful sense of humour and play. He was invited into our circle immediately. He was terribly enthusiastic about everything, which was refreshing. I found a kinship in him. Instead of using balls, or mallets or gloves or other props, we played with wordplay. It was scathing, harsh, sweet, endearing, incredibly funny and sometimes fueled with delicious malice. But it was highly inventive and creative. Such fun. What I really like about the interactions between guys is there's none of the weird shit involved when talking with girls, quite often, or at least it's different shit. I've noticed, as a girl who often talks to other girls and quite likes other girls on a whole, there is a kind of procedure in dealing with them. Unspoken Rule Number 1: You must make a flattering comment about something on them. It could be a piece of jewellery, their hair (they usually love this), eyes, shoes (also a favourite), handbag, etc. This is designed not only as an icebreaker, but it also shows the other girl is not a threat. You don't have to do this with guys. Unspoken Rule Number 2: You have to talk about your feelings. This may be one of the interests the girl has right now. They really feel something for it. It must be discussed. Guys do this too, but they work it into the conversation more naturally but they certainly don't dwell on it forever. Usually with girls it's a complaint of something someone's done to them, an unfortunate event of needless anxiety at work, or something particularly heinous the old boyfriend did to her. Or, it's just mindless fluffy stuff. Girls try to figure out a solution to the problem. This could go on all night. Guys just say, 'Dude, that sucks,' and move on. Guys talk about really interesting stuff, too. Music, science fiction, books, pictures (both moving and still), hobbies and interests. They're always keeping abreast of stuff almost in anticipation of sharing these little tidbits of what most women consider useless information. It is not useless... usually. And this is totally subjective. If I'm not in the mood for a certain topic, I'll just tune out. Guys cheer other guys on. Guys genuinely like and trust other guys. Guys like to buy other guys beers. That's just nice. And guys are just happy to be my friend without expecting anything in return. Guys are great. Guys are good. Guys live in my neighbourhood. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 08,August,2004 | '. . . All earth experiences are like the coloring used on the slides of a microscope to make you conscious of invisible things.' ------- Stewart Edward White. With Folded Wings I'd watched American Beauty before but didn't truly understand the plastic bag sequence until this past week. What a marvellous week. The final monologue spoken by Kevin Spacey's character summed up what I'd felt on that magic subway ride. 'I'd always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. It stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves from the Maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and they way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry: you will someday.' |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 07,August,2004 | I'm trying something out; an experiment. I've been allowing only grace, goodness and love enter in and out of my body for the last several days. By doing this, and it's not a willed feeling, it just is a choice, I have been experiencing the most delicious feelings looking at things that had been merely ordinary and mundane while in a 'normal' state. Normal being the state in which we so often walk around - working, but not knowing why and often hating it, making money - but never enough, having friends but not being the best friend you can be. In other words: normal, in this society. I am trying to live fully in the present. By that I think this quote I came upon online says it best: ...'The circumstances and challenges in your life are not the real you. To deal effectively with these external circumstances, we must be detached from them. Observe what is in your life without judging, without being for it or against it. Just let it be. Detach yourself from it and just be with it. The moment you are for it, the effort to hold onto it begins; the moment you are against it, the effort to run away from it begins. And both struggles take you out of the present moment and into the future, into worrying about the future. This divides you within yourself; this divides you against yourself. When you are detached from the 'stuff' in your life, you can take responsibility for it. You can act upon it, or you can just let it go. You can even truly enjoy it. You can live undivided—in the present moment.' I've been having these wonderfully seredipitous moments lately. I'll have questions in my head concerning the ways I've operated in the past or just qualities about myself that I wasn't sure about. I'll happen upon things that help me in my search for self understanding. The answers come if I pay attention. Sometimes just plain wonderful things happen if I pay attention. I had decided yesterday that it was going to be my own Fun Day. No one else was implicated. No one else was really invited. I was going through the toronto.com site for general event listings. I didn't want to see a movie. Decidedly not fun enough. The idea of going to see live theatre sent a jolt of utter distain through me, mostly because I'd been an actor. But bands... interesting... I could see a live band. So I'm scrolling down and I notice playing at Lee's is The Walkmen. Oh... my... God! I took the subway down to Lee's. It was such a marvellous journey. There was a woman @ my 11:00, black, 250lbs, head held between two hands, either chanting a prayer or crying to herself. Not softly. To my 2:00 there were two devotees of Beyonce, both black, both pretty, both shaking their necks trying to outdo the other with stories of how stupid boys are, sucking their teeth but resigning themselves to calling said boys as soon as they got home, away from each other's judgements. Looking back at my 11:00 the older woman had released her head to show me the full cataract in her right eye. It was ice blue, bulging, determined, like a steel marble. It was extraordinary housed in her face. To my 9:00 there was an empty paper take-out coffee cup rolling in an arc along the floor. To my 3:00 there was a Polish looking gent, in his 50's carrying a wrapped gift bag. He was lovingly fluffing the tissue paper adorning it. There was a woman in her late 20's in a cheap track outfit, cheap sandals, one polyester leg crossed over the other. One loose thread dangled from her pant leg. There was a young man, scruffy, would be seriously hot, to me, if he shaved and got a haircut. With the garb and the hair he seemed to be going for that Jesus look. It's a look. I met eyes with him for maybe three seconds. It's an eternity in a subway car. He spent the entire ride looking at my reflection through the window next to him. All of these incidents. All of these images are so incredibly dear and beautiful to me. And they happen all the time to everyone, but nobody really sees them. The Walkmen are from Washington, D.C. A four piece outfit, solid band. Very tight in recordings. Less tight live. The singer is the weakest link. And I think he knows it. Visually he has a Chris Martin (Coldplay) look about him. Tall, lightly complected, pinstriped suit jacket, casual underneath, sings with all his might. But that's it. He's not really saying anything as much as he's screaming a lot, hyper-developing his massive jugular vein. He comes from the Bob Dylan meets Sepulchura school of vocal projections. When he walked on stage the mike, which was previously set to 'shoe-gazing' standards, was switched to Kareem-Abdul Jabar heights. This meant straining high into the mike while looking down at his audience. To him we were not his supporters. We were his enemies. He looked at us with both fear and loathing at the same time. One is often linked to the other. His band was so good, but his singing style doesn't allow me to play the album as much as I'd like. His lyrics are alright, but this protective stance of screaming what it is that needs to be said, leaves me a bit cold and a bit frightened. Still, I lost my mind during The Rat. The opening band was called The Uncut. Toronto band. I wasn't going to see them. I was planning to time it so I'd arrive mid set. Saw the whole thing. Shy. Shoe-gazers. Sweet. Really tight. Really good. I like when opening acts dazzle us, the audience. It's happened quite a few times in my life. Each time it happens I'm secretly thrilled. More votes for the underdog. They have a decidedly new New Order sound about them. Guitar and rhythm section deliciously rich and satisfying, not unlike Interpol; vocals merely a layer, understated, not emphasised, not enhanced, actually downplayed. Very Canadian. Please, God, make them successful. They're a nice bunch of lads. Watching these two bands, wonderful each in their own ways, reminded me of a story on the CBC's Definitely Not The Opera. Canada's style vs. that of the U.S. The interviewee was saying that when one has a conversation with a Canadian the way things are phrased there is a lilt in the sentence, as if when giving a statement the statement is still up for discussion. It's more a questioning and from a musing perspective. With Americans they tend to state their 'fact' and it's stated plainly, bluntly and not open for discussion. It just is. I was telling Jeremy about this and he asked if I was American. He thinks he's very funny. There's nothing like seeing live music sometimes. I used to hate it, complaining about the *other* people. Secretly I'd once wished the bands I loved would just do a special show just for me. After going to a lot of pubs and listening to decent enough house bands, I realised there is a lot of pressure felt to respond in a positive manner to the musicians involved. Eventually I embraced my concert-going brothers and sisters mostly because it took the pressure off maintaining my enthusiasm for the band. Now I can allow the music to fully penetrate me, make my cranium, chest, and pant legs vibrate madly and just enjoy the moment. I can scream as loud as I want because the bodies absorb the sound. I can jump up and down, laughing and clapping my hands. I can just beam throughout while still maintaining my own anonymity, which is important to me as I've discovered. I like when no one looks at me sometimes. Music is like good sex to me. Totally fulfilling, exhilerating, evocative of so much. Good live music, with an excellent sound system, is like being picked up, thrown down and being fucked hard. In the *best* way. And when it's that good you clammer for more and more and more... |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 07,August,2004 | I don't recall the last time I'd taken an entire summer off from anything, either school or work. Maybe when I was eight. I guess the next time I did so was this summer. And it's been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It didn't start off great. I was lying in shavasana, or corpse pose, in my early yoga practice when I decided, or rather my body decided I could no longer work where I was working. So I quit. Yoga was the beginning of all the awareness I've been having this summer. It's been a beautiful and wild adventure. I am a believer of serendipidous acts. One thing leads to another. Answers are out there if you're looking for them and you pay attention to the signs. I've made it my business to care about things my whole life. But when I cared too much it would adversely affect my life. If things didn't turn out the way I wanted it would rupture something inside me or it felt not unlike a cancer growing inside. It was horrible. The act of caring a bit too much is my vision ends up getting blurred and I have no idea what it was I was looking for in the first place. It's kind of akin to being an inexperienced web researcher. You go online and look up something very specific. There are 100's of hits. Not all of them have 100% relevance, but you go onto the site anyway. One path takes you to another. So if the search started with the bad effects of fluoride, say, you could by the end of 5 hours have accidentally entered yourself into a wet T-shirt contest in Utah. It's hard. Staying focused. For some. For me. So I've decided to let go. Change is funny in most people. For me it's just a decision. I've decided to not care so much, and it sounds weird but it's working for me. I'm happier. I can love my friends more because I expect absolutely nothing from. And I can acknowledge all the love they can muster up for me. It's hard for most people to demonstrate love of all denominations. I'm a bit gifted in that realm. It's a good gift. So I think I'm helping, which is really good. And it feels really good. So that's good. Whole lotta good in a paragraph. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 04,August,2004 | My yoga instructor Todd asked me to read an article from last Saturday's Globe and Mail. It described his friend Pete who died last summer and the circumstances involving the accident. One of his friends wrote the article. The cause of his horrific demise, a boating accident last summer in the Muskoka's. The article was a eulogy, and a plug against bad boating procedures - alcohol, rich kids in their 20's staying up for too long and a general lack of care. Todd told me Pete had a thousand friends. Wow. I don't have a thousand friends. I find eight are hard to maintain sometimes. Pete was a 'golden boy'. Born into wealth, developed and honed the lifestyle, had friends in the same snack bracket. He worked on Bay Street. At the age of 27 he had won awards for entrepreneurial 'zeal'. Whatever that means. Why is my gut saying he ripped people off. Oh, the business of usury. Or I could be completely wrong and he was the only man on Bay Street who was the Patron Saint of giving people that don't have enough money, more money. I suspect not, though. No one gets pretigious awards on Bay St. for being fair. They get them for getting as much money as they can get their hands on. Everyone wins. Sometimes. In his spare time Pete surfed. He and buddies would drive all night to far off US destinations, spend dough on some choice accomodations and... well, surf. Or ski. Or do other activities kids of wealth do. I didn't really feel sorry for Pete. Not really. Yes, he went horrifically. For that I do feel sorry. I feel sorry that Todd lost his best friend. I don't know what I'd do without mine. I think I don't feel sorry for him because nothing bad ever happened to him. He probably never broke anyone's heart. He was never want for anything. He had an enviable relationship with his immediate family. He had hordes of supporters. All of his friends were good looking. The dude's life was a beer commercial. It was picture perfect. It was as if all the things that normally go wrong in other peoples lives were all stored up for him in that one moment when he just got shredded by a boat and motor. He did live large and that's important. I think that's important to everyone. Whatever 'large' means to an individual. What I liked most about the article was that one of his best friends, who also worked on Bay Street, ended up quitting his job and starting a painting business with his own brother, wanting out of the 'rat race'. Somehow this gives me hope for humanity. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 03,August,2004 | My foray into yoga started years ago. Yoga if done properly, and by this I mean diligently, earnestly and with the fullest of breath, is many things. I think two of the best things about yoga is it's a barometer for how you're *really* feeling and it's a massive transformative tool. Starting with Kundalini, I progressed into Ashtanga (for Type A personalities) and now I'm practicing Bikram. Bikram yoga involves a series of classic and not so classic yoga postures, but done in a heated room. Through radiant panelling the instructor can control temperature and humidity, with the exception of extremely hot and humid conditions outside that may seep indoors. There are *buckets* of water loss. Through my experience there are kind and gentle instructors who guide classes with love yet authority and there are nasty $#%!s that lead with both stifling heat, extreme humidity and either a dictatorial tone or a stilted lead. [An aside: This beer I'm drinking sucks. Carlsberg Light. Thanks Mere.] Back to Bikram. Nearly each time I finish practice I tend to say, 'That was the best yoga experience of my life!' There are exceptions to the rule. Please see paragraph describing nasty $#%!s . Tonight's class was, I have to say, though fear sounding redundant, the best yoga experience of my life! What makes yoga so different from one day to the next is directly linked to how different we are from one day to the next. One day we might be upset over something that happened at work. Another day there may have been something said to a friend that could have used a bit more diplomacy. Maybe I had a righteous day. Maybe not. Tonight I forced myself to go. Half of me wanted to, the other half just wanted to surf the net. I could feel my ass flattening, so I packed my bag. Todd was leading the class. I love Todd. Todd and Julie are my favourite instructors. My love for them is equal. Todd's got this great surfer dude meets radio announcer's voice. Unlikely but true. Julie is simply one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. Both are gentle, knowledgable yet make you challenge yourself. This is a desirable effect. I'd been doing research, writing and planning an event throughout the day. All three activities were incredibly grounding. I felt good emotionally, but I really wanted to test my emotional/spiritual barometer by going to yoga. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we're fine, but there are issues that crop up every now and then. Doing breathwork really helps get down to the nitty-gritty of what we're really feeling. I believe there is truth in emoting, but where the ultimate truth lies is in the breath. The poses don't hurt, either. In the first pose, I can't remember what it's called. You interlock your fingers, pull them down as far as they'll go in front of you then inhale audibly while extending your hands up, over your head, shoulders relaxed. Then you place your hands in prayer position, exhaling with a loud 'haa' sound until they pass your heart, then back to interlocking the old fingers, back to position 1. Some guy choked on his spit at one time. Somehow I thought this was hilarious. I don't know why. I think I just needed to laugh. Once upon a time I wasn't crazy about back bends. They used to hurt. They open the heart shakra, the bits of us that allow all feelings to potentially emerge. You stand on your knees, place your hands, fingers facing down, on the top of your bum, pull up with your chest, stretch your neck up and back, pulling the shoulders back and falling backwards, grabbing your feet. This action tends to allow emotions that we have kept hidden inside to seep out. We tend to feel things either during or directly after pose. There have been times I've sobbed after doing it. Tonight I was beaming. How could a person whose heart was allegedly broken 3 days ago possibly beam after that? Well, I felt like I hadn't smiled for a while. This is unusual for me. I felt lucky. I felt that I took advantage of a situation bravely and with honour. And the most marvellous of all, I felt like I understood what I was supposed to do on this earth. I was simply supposed to love people. I understood at that moment this was my job. Yoga keeps me honest. Yoga keeps me nice. Yoga manages the yuck in my life and the weird that I sometimes feel. It made me quit my job. It made me take the summer off. It will bring me back to work soon, though. Yoga made me understand fully that the only constant is change. Oh, and change is good. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | I found this while doing some research on life and love and stuff of general lusciousness. It's sooo good. ~*~ A TIME AND A REASON ~*~ Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away they were meant to be there... to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are/want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you at a time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming these obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, or will power. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck, illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart, and eyes to little things. Make every day count, appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for you don't, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it. If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles. ~~ Unknown Author |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | Okay, so am I flaky because my heart is no longer broken? See, this harkens a query from a preceding blog which questioned my love for all nine of the men I claimed to love. I'm filled with questions today. Did he come along to ease my pain from missing David so much? Was Jeremy there in the month of July when the seers thought David would come back, designed to make me consider and reevaluate exactly what it was I needed this time, instead of constantly succumbing to the needs and wants of the men, as I traditionally do? As Psychic Kim said, 'He's coming back, but I'm not sure whether you'll want him again.' Yeah. Me neither. I did listen to the tape today though. The last time I saw Psychic Kim I'd brought in a tape recorder. (I'd much rather have a DAT, but it works, so why allow something to A) unnecessarily collect dust or B) contribute to landfill issues.) I now have this tape that has two different, yet very similar readings on it performed by two psychics. They all say he's coming back. I think Jeremy came by during the time where I'd reached the end of my tether and where I'd missed intimacy so much that every fiber of my being was screaming out for the kind of attention I'd needed for the past two years plus. He raised the bar on the standards I'd loosely set when considering a potential union of two. I tend to solely consider the individual and the direct correlation he has with my heart. The rest of the stuff is irrelevant, really. I mean, I don't care what he does for a living, if he has a car, if he has a house, stuff in general. Never really mattered to me. I liked his careful, though. I think I liked that the best. That and he was honest. I was not careful. Careful's not really an adjective used to describe me. I need to feel stuff all the time. I don't care what it is: tragic, euphoric, angry, and (sweetly rare) jealousy. I was never too concerned that I cried. Crying is truth for me. It's an opportunity to examine things and to know that I care deeply about things. About people. Sweetly rare jealousy. Hmm. David was the only person that ever, in any recent memory, inspired jealousy in me. I never felt that while with Mike, husband of 7 1/2 years. Never. I don't think a little jealousy is a bad thing, though. A bit of it means they mean something to you. The possibility of them being taken away is potentially devastating. Maybe that's what I need. Dunno. Maybe the universe has some grand design for me. It inherently knows I'm terrible with remembering lessons that were learned too easily. So, it threw in a little havoc. I was merely an outpatient in the cardiac ward. All the aortas still functioning. Just a little angina, or indigestion in the grand scheme of heart break. Just so sweet, the pain. I wrote to my friend Meredith, 'Every now and then it's good to be a bit shattered. It puts this delicious tragedy in your life, which in the end enriches it. I think I freak people out. Sometimes I freak me out, in retrospect. But then I'll read a magazine article while having lunch and there's something in there that will absolutely speak to my soul and cause me to put my fork down, though my mouth is open, it cannot receive food. From Richard Wollheim's Germ: A Memoir of Childhood, an excerpt found in the August 2004 issue of Harper's Magazine: '...women could love, they could fall in love, they could be in love, they could be lovesick. They could *feel*. Sometimes, after a man and woman who had come down to the house for lunch had driven off, one of my parents would say, not exactly to the other, for that was not how they talked, but more into the surrounding air: 'Why does she go on doing it? What does she get out of it? When will she settle down? Why is she throwing away the best years of her life?' If only, I would feel, these questions had been asked of me, I, though not able to put it into words, would have had much to say. I would have begun by saying that these were women, something that my father had never been and perhaps something that my mother had forgotten how to be, and I would then have gone on to say that, for women, for some women at least, love, love in itself, love unrequited, love that did not even seek for anything in return, in other words the pure culture of love, could be a way of life.' And then I smile to myself, an inward and outward smile, singular, alone but not lonely and I feel good. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | I want to get this while I have it fresh on my plate. I had made a resolve to fight for him. I'd felt like he'd been let down a great deal in life by others and I felt it my responsibility to care for him because I loved him. But the love for him was the kind that was sweet, familiar, deep but more in a special, special friend way. I remember reading his profile and thinking, 'Why don't I already know this person? He seems like someone I'd already be friends with.' But I wasn't yet and then I became one. And then he was wonderful, as they tend to be in the beginning, but in the end it was disappointing. As my friend Meredith said, 'Best it happened now versus six months from now.' Apparently there is a direct mathematical formula which describes the amount of time needed to heal a broken heart vs. the time spent loving someone. It had only been just over two weeks after all. Ah, I'm reminded of Chet Baker right now. Chet sang, 'I fall in love too easily. I fall in love too fast. I fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last.' That seems to be a recurring problem in my life. Oh, and fucking Chet killed himself. Would that there was something that I could sustain for a while that was almost tepid. If not tepid, then maybe a slow trickle. I don't know what I'm racing for. I have no idea what my hurry is. It just happens. I get so caught up in the passion of the moment and expect that everyone is exactly the same as me, feeling exactly what it is I'm feeling. But they're not, evidentally. So here I am. No real mission again. Alas. I wish I knew exactly why. But maybe I don't really want to know. A little mystery is good. I think the mission is to concentrate on what it is I need to do, to be. I'm so close. I found myself going through the same pulls as I did before. I had decided not long ago that the next time was going to be different. It wasn't all that different. I did spend more time with friends this time, which was good. But the rest of it, the all consuming bits were still fragments of my old self. Can you help those, though? Is there that much of yourself that you can change? I want to know. Maybe I have a love addiction. Geez. That was hard to write. I don't remember feeling that gross angst before, but they tend not to break up with me. It's usually the other way around. And maybe it's the preparedness of a situation. He had prepared himself for this at least a couple of days in advance. I had absolutely no preparation at all. Just typically flying by the seat of my pants. Again. Sigh. The worst part of it is I can't listen to half of my music library right now without thinking of him. The best part is he's had the foresight I'd always lacked. In the end he was right. I don't really have that list of requirements that need to be filled when looking for someone. It's just a feeling. A connection. It's always different, ever unique. I have to remember the time spent with him. It's very important that I remember the time. He was very special and I have to be able to have that kind of special the next time around. He gave me hope that something really good could exist. I have to know that, to remember that. So there were good things that came out of this: 1. I got to really care about someone again; something I love to do. 2. I now have to examine whether this is a serious problem in my life, the whole love addiction thing. 3. I know who my friends are. 4. We were very good friends and eventually we will be great friends. Just not yet. Still some more healing to do. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 02,August,2004 | I don't know where it starts. Maybe at birth. The pecking order. The roles we end up playing throughout our lives. I was the last child born in a family of four children. In my family as well as others the eldest child was expected to lead the others, to be an example. The second child if, God help him/her is born the same sex as the eldest that child will always live in the shadow his predecessor. I was the baby. They don't really expect much from the baby, especially when the baby laughed all the time and developed a special knack in the dispensing of wedgies. I came from a strangely traditional Chinese family. I say strangely because both parents came from China, both from rural areas, at a fairly young age. They were in their late teens to early twenties. A new land. No sense of real belonging, only a need to assimilate and not draw too much attention to themselves. They were, not fully understanding the culture of their heritage, not fully integrating into Canadian culture either, effectively lost between two worlds. They started having children right away. Dad didn't really wait the appropriate amount of time before impregnating Mom again. This happened 3x in a row. Siblings Vince, Walter and Eunice were born in consecutive years starting from 1960. Eunice was the youngest and the only girl for six years of her life. And she REALLY liked it. I was born in 1968. I was a 'mistake'. There's a different kind of attention paid to girls by the father. There are less expectations, or just expectations in a different realm. More of chastity and familial responsibiltity, a care for the elderly agreement in blood sort. Growing up in that time, in a fairly affluent neighbourhood, meant instilling the children with the iterated and reiterated idea that study was imperitive to success. Study led to the attainment of money and goods. Money = Goods = Success. As hard as they would study he would make them study harder because of their ethnicity. He convinced them that the world would not view their abilities and aptitudes based on their competence alone. The world would view the slant in their eyes and their general facial features first, relegating them to more subserviant positions based primarily on racial considerations. I never got 'the talk'. Competition became a primary characteristic among my siblings. Dad encouraged them to compete against each other. He'd often pit one sibling against the other, as if it was some morbid test for his love. And they were willing participants. At first they were scholastic competitions, then it trickled down to sports, then within childhood friendships where he would ask some poor unsuspecting neighbourhood kid who that kid liked better, this one or that one? His own children. Choose. Eventually the competition seeped into their adult lives where the test would include how big their house was, in what neighbourhood, what kind of car was each driving, if you had a cottage, how many degrees were under your belt, how many tries it took you to get your driver's license. It was never the quality of your friendships that mattered, it was the quantity and how full your activities schedule was. How busy you were keeping yourself. Idle hands, the devil's playground. All four of us are very different in personality. Vince is an accountant and it was as if he found some manual explaining how clichéd accountants behaved and he became that; think Eddie Murphy doing the White Guy skit from old Saturday Night Live episodes: uptight super-white guy, stiff, pickle firmly up ass, expressionless and cold. Publicly the prankster, laughing and smiling if he can make a buck off you. Privately silent. Walter, super athlete and will tell anyone who has ears all about it, tendency toward violence, but is controllable. Funny, but prone to telling the same stories from his 'glory years' in high school. Childlike. Was the apple of my eye growing up. Father thought all he would ever amount to was being a blue collar worker in a factory setting. Publicly the joker, privately the monster. Eunice has been accused by my motherr of having 'eyes on her forehead' because she looks down on people. Refuses to drive her car through certain neighbourhoods for fear of being robbed or raped. To her the robbing would probably be worse. Scholastically accomplished. Dreamed of being a professional student. Always publicly appropriate, privately caustic. I am considered the 'black sheep' of the family. Laughed louder than others felt was appropriate. Had a 'talk' by my sister about not embarrassing her at her wedding. Feels shame too often. Is working on that. Is the 'pot-stirrer' of the family. Truth speaker. Publicly obnoxious, but loving. Privately often unsatisfied. In common we share the spirit of survival, showmanship, loyalty to our friends, competency, a profound difficulty to rely on others. We all have perfection issues within ourselves and often with others, a generous sprinkling of the gripping fear of looking ridiculous and are painfully aware of what others think of us. Separately we have our own assigned roles. We all know that if Vince is confronted he will back down and relent, feeling embarrassed by other's outbursts, mostly because his own emotions embarrass himself. We all know that Walter will break something; a door or a heart. Currently he's estranged himself from the entire family. We know Eunice will deflect, spinning the argument in a totally different direction, leading the instigator to a confused state. She will likely try to be the victor at any cost. Myself? I used to cry but don't anymore. Not around them. They took too much away from me. Or I gave too much away at well below manufacturers list prices. After careful examination through therapy of many different varieties, excellent friendships and time I still feel the pull toward shame, but I hope I attack the issues as they are presented. It is my hope. We still have funny pulls and triggers though. The other night having cocktails, Jeremy and I were discussing movie going characteristics. I tend to see movies alone for a variety of reasons. He talks during movies, which I admittedly am not crazy about. I find it disruptive to my surroundings and wish not to do that to other people mostly because I don't like hearing whispers and muttering to my left (my good ear). It's louder to me than the movie is. (Apparently a classic ADD characteristic). He then said something about how loud I laughed and didn't I think that was disruptive to others? He meant nothing by this comment. I lost my mind. All the feelings of their attempts to minimise me came to the surface. [Tell her to be quiet. Tell her to be less, less than she is. She's not good enough. We just need to make slight alterations.] We grow up and think we're grown-ups now. How could we possibly have the same pulls we did when we were kids. These same triggers. Lots of people have commented on the fact that my laugh is approximately 160 decibels (130 is the average pain threshold). But at that moment, maybe because he'd just dumped me I was feeling particularly vulnerable and extremely self-protective. At that exact moment all I felt was you cannot make comments or opine negatively about things a person cannot change. I suppose I could laugh softer. But I don't. And I won't. Anyway, he loved my laugh. I know this. Why did I take it that way? Fucking triggers in our most insecure moments. Will they ever die? Along with these triggers, we have this innate sense of our duties and responsibilites. Our roles in society. Eunice is the self-professed, self-imposed 'Do-The-Right-Thing' girl. She always brings the appropriate hostess gift, she is highly skilled at small talk, she 'presents' well; charming, effusive in the expected parts ie. nearly clawing her eyes out in utter amazement when the neighbouring Rosedale hostess at a dinner function has made, 'by hand', ONE course in the evening's meal. She's got her own money and she rarely misses a day using it as a weapon against her husband, threatening to leave because she can 'afford' to, taking her overcommitted 3-year-old twins with her, thus abandoning him. I hate what money does to people. I hate what money did to my family. I want to deal in the currency of people. I want to make people think, to make them feel it's okay to feel what they're feeling. It's honesty, something that this society lacks so often. Our roles as people are as unique as we as individuals are. There are caretakers, caregivers, nurturers, peace-makers, war-mongers, mother-in-laws (of the icky variety), hosts and hellspawns. To be brave is to take risks, risks out of one's own character. We should strive to do things that don't necessarily make us feel comfortable or come to us as easily as the stuff that was formulated and honed early on. Things that scare us a little... or a lot. It's liberating. I want to experience as much as I can so I can share my experiences with others. We are all linked universally. We've all felt loss. We've all felt the diverse, often debilitating, feelings of pain and suffering. And I hope upon hopes that we've all felt love. I believe we all have a hidden resolve, a secret special superpower that lurks within all of us. The power that enables us to be most effective and do the most good. Maybe finding it and tapping into it is a goal we should always strive for, otherwise what's the point of living if we've got nothing to fight for. And why fight if we have nothing to believe in. Seek your battle, but use your heart. |
4,075,808 | female | 35 | indUnk | Virgo | 01,August,2004 | How do you deal with a broken heart? Is there some special formula, or are we reduced to just filling ourselves with loosely tested, overly prescribed blue pills, red pills? I think I'll forgo that, choosing to feel the genuine pain of love lost rather than the numbness of not feeling anything. Or worse, throwing myself into work, or just generally keeping busy, as they prescribe. 'Are you keeping busy, dear?' Jam packing my itinerary has never been a solution to solving life's 'little' problems. It sure takes our minds off things for a while, though. But, eventually we have to deal with things. Things like: The two things I thought would never happen again: 1) I never thought I'd fall in love again. 2) I certainly didn't think I'd get my heart broken again. But I guess that's the chance you take when you risk everything. It is the ultimate exposé, the final showdown, the opportunity to show everything you have in your secret cache and in one’s individual Pandora's Box. All these people drinking lover's spit. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. As scared as I was to say it, in the end I did and I'm glad I did because I meant it and he really meant something very significant to me. I love you. And if it was said on the last night we were potentially to be together, that's alright, I can live with that. I know I did the best I could do and was the best I could be, given the circumstances of profound bad timing. How can you compete with a ghost? No, she's not dead, but they spent 10 years together, during the very formative decade between the ages 20 - 30. She's moved on. A different life. Abandoning him. He the one who loved her so much. Maybe not romantically after all of those years, but certainly a familial love, that binding love, that blinding love that was ripped away from him before it was time. Before he was ready. I'd said before how new love stirs things up. I counted this morning how many men I'd claimed to love in my relative short existence. Nine. How many did I truly love? Would walk to the ends of the earth for? Would sacrifice life and limb for? Not all. So maybe it wasn’t true love. That's always been a quest for me. True love and the possibility of its existence. Far more than seeing if God really exists. I need to believe it does. I'm puffy from crying, relenting finally this morning to remove the remains of the rivulet roadmap of mascara down my cheeks. A poor version of Alice Cooper. A sadder version, far less evil. I feel like I'm close to exhausting my friend pool for emotional support. I need guidance. Comfort. He needs the same. A sage that is empathetic, someone who can tell him he's not alone and what he's feeling is totally normal and in at least one time in our pathetic lives we've been hurt so badly that we can't distinguish waking life from a dream state, a surreality that doesn't make us want to feel anything, especially the pain we're feeling right now. We search in vain for clarity. We need concise answers for the things we feel because they don't make any sense to us at all. 'If only I could get my shit together....' We live in this world where there are always solutions to problems, or at least they work the bugs out the beta version with version 10.97. Things are packaged neatly in eye-pleasing colours and boxes. The whodunnit's villian eloquently and correctly accused discovered in the third act by the elegant detective with the Belgian accent, twirling his handlebar moustache, tapping his silver handled cane on the the parquet floor. But unfortunately the ways of the world don’t necessarily work that way. At one time in my not so recent past, I wanted answers so desperately I went to see psychics (plural). Fuck, I can still smell him. Anyway, back to the psychics. I wanted to know about a certain fella I’d been with a few years back, then rekindled something several months ago. They all promised he would come back. And I was so patient. One of them prophecised there would be a choice I’d have to make, between him and another man. In the end she said I’d choose the one in first chronological order. But then I met Jeremy. Was he the other I’d have to choose from? Two days ago there was no choice. After being with Jeremy he really raised the bar in standards certification. The psychics didn’t tell me anything about him. He was a surprise. I think in my path I became happier not really knowing. The worst thing about being told your “future” is once you know about it you have this tendency to wait around for the future to happen. “Is it going to be today,” you ask yourself for the 14th consecutive time that day. “How about now?” What is certain is uncertainty. What dispells fear is the choice to love again. And here on just that topic: the righteous chicks, the Bene Gesserit, from the movie Dune, delivering a little litany against fear: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. And I’m not talking perfect love, because again, perfection is unachievable and even if it wasn’t it would be pretty damned boring to have to face day after day. “Oh, here’s comes Perfect, again.” Tedious. Predictable. We’d resent it. Him. Yes, I got hurt but that’s okay. I learned so much about myself during the entire, albeit brief process of loving someone new. And I got to love someone again. Someone really great. So, I consider myself lucky. [She said through gritted teeth as 1st runner-up, allowed to perform pageant-of-life duties only if the winner was unable]. |
3,925,426 | male | 27 | Student | Capricorn | 14,July,2004 | ahhhh. I am now among the elite ranks of bloggers all over the world. This seems appropriate. I am starting a new life in two days. Moving from my home of nine years, Houston, Texas, to Anchorage, Alaska. I guess I will find out if I can discipline myself to post in this thing regularly. about 48 hours till I am out of Houston. I am excited to be leaving, and yet feel overwhelmingly apprehensive at the same time. I laid in bed before falling asleep last night, wondering if I have made the right choice. I am so sure I have, yet there is something. What is there for me here? I have everything is all. A career, great friends, my own place, an amazing life. I have so many memories here. Good and bad. This really has become my home. And what am I going to? Everything again. School, my father and stepmother. My new little brother. Good friends. A healthier environment. I guess I am just breaking the monotony my life has become. Since my divorce, I have been locked in the same cycle with no end in site. I work hard all the time, and play hard all the time. An endless string of one night stands and parties. Another certification in my field of work here and there. Being affluent with the local jazz and blues scene and frequenting all of that often. Lots of great, great vacations to different places. Camping trips every month. But no depth. No true love. I am not motivated here anymore. Everywhere I go, I am reminded of Becky. I always feel her right behind me and next to me. I am still tortured by memories of her and love for her. My best and closest friends are growing up and changing. I am growing up and changing. Yes, I can work hard anywhere. I can party anywhere if that is what I want. I can always do the things that I do here anywhere. It is time to leave, and I am. Maybe its not the decision I have made that has something in me unsettled. maybe it is not knowing what I am going to do when I get there. Do I really want to live with my dad after being out on my own for so many years? Where am I going to work. I have to buy a new vehicle. I have to find a job. I need to get registered in school. I am not going to play the 'what-if' game. I have to chill out and take it as it comes. I am perfectly capable of doing, and dealing with, anything. So my new life is about to begin. I am excited despite these concerns. I am excited to meet my little brother. I cannot wait to get to know him and to watch him grow up. I am so happy to know I will be near my father again. I have missed him terribly. I am excited to get to be with my step mother, whom I have only just begun to get to know. I am really happy that I will be close to my greatest and dearest friend, Ambria. I do look forward to laughing with her. I am looking forward to the mountains, the sunny summers and cold winters. The wildlife and the nature. SNOWBOARDING. The fishing and camping and hiking and climbing and everything I love to do so much that will be right outside my door. I am happy to be getting away from the traffic and pollution and crowds and skyscrapers. I am looking forward to getting back to school. A whole new life. I have dropped everything I have. Given away or sold all my possessions except for the most sentimental and personal. And now the time has come to get the hell out of town. Two more days and I am out of here. Feels epic. Okay cliff, next time, write the way you normally do. This blather sux. |
3,332,710 | male | 24 | Telecommunications | Leo | 26,July,2004 | Alright now, please understand that firstly i am just a human, being a little boy, a single life in the big real world. I don't really know of whom or whatsoever person will think about what i am about to write. But my intension are as always the truth with no hard feeling towards anyone at all. I had always been sincere to people whom i have met but sometime this kind of thing will just come and go. So in words to say i have not yet found a actual soul mate yet, only wish i could have. I had always though the present girl during the time of the relationship will be a life soul mate. But as obvious this doesn't turn out ot be true. I had always put in my very best for my relationship. But as most of everyone disappointment I had always fail to keep up the relationship. There is no one else to blam except for myself. I know i had been trying my best to keep my temper but we if you can't keep you just can't. But what i say right now i am more clam than ever. Talking about temper, sometime this wonders me you know. Why? well cause every thing happen for a reason. Some reason you just cannot explain. But well i do sometime thing that temper in a way are good for you. It do provide you with the abitlity to achive something someone else is not willing to give, or forgot to give, or careless enough to forget. But well i really don't know how to explain but that only to explain as that, every thing in this life have is good and bad or have it's pro and cons. So let's comeback to the subject. How can you tell?: Can i say this? I wonder. you know sometime you don't actually know who is your girlfriend and who is not. I have a lot of firend whom is a girl, very very very close. So close that most people think we are in relationship. But simply we are the best of friends. So well all i could say are that I know my true first girl by the way i really feel and my planning ahead which i have lie for both of us. (to some extend most will be vannish as right now we are broken off) My girl: *** To be continue... (Hopefully not forgotten) |
3,332,710 | male | 24 | Telecommunications | Leo | 25,July,2004 | A Golden Retriver !!! urlLink http://www.textamerica.com/user.images.san/76/IMG_415776/Thumb/_0702/T40407020740191.jpg urlLink urlLink http://www.textamerica.com/user.images.san/76/IMG_415776/Thumb/_0702/T40407020648531.jpg Hey strangely enough I just can't seem to fit the image to this Blog. =( Hope this will not last long. Oh well what to do, right ! =) So what now... ohh Yes my dog. My lovely cutiest dog ever. My Golden Retriver. His name is 'Maximus' (Named after the Greatest Roman General, General Magnus Clemens Maximus) * with no intension of insulting him cause i love his work. 'Maximus' also have a nick name in Thai called 'MeePoo' (Named with relate to Winnie The Pool) Reasons? Well the story is that when i first got this dog I have no idea of the name which were to use. However my maid decided to call him but the name of 'MeePoo' which ofcourse the name kind of stick to all my relative. Which shortly after that then I actually found what I wish for and dicided to name him by that name. For someway the dog only respond by the name of 'MeePoo', I wonder why... Or Maybe I too never call him by that name only had told him once or twice. 'MeePoo' is a very very lovely dog: Whom stay among my other 5-6 dogs (lost count) of which we locate him in a 'TownHouse' Building on the top floor (6th floor). As due to that simply Bangkok land are so expensive due that Bangkok is the capital of Thailand. My family have got so much dog not just all at once only, you know one at a time. A time where my mom visit some place and found a poor street dog then she dicided to take care of it. The dog somehow represent exactly delicate to each and every one of the family members of mine. My Dad, Mom, Brother, Sis... 'MeePoo' is about 1yrs old now: (Still don't know the life span of a dog) He is still very young to me. Still i do remember when he was a puppy, a Golden Retriver Puppy living in Bangkok, where it is hot in temperature. Do you know what he do to get rite of the heat? He somehow manage to get himself to a waste basin (don't know what you call it in your country) and stay there !!! Please Please no one put him there (Wish I could have a photograph) and yes the toliet is completely clean, an unused toliet. 'MeePoo' don't actually know exactly how to love or share love: Always, amongs other dog with the family. Most dogs would want to be love by the owner other dogs was afraid that everyone would love 'MeePoo' more than them. As 'MeePoo' was the last dog ever to arrive in the family. They would try anything just to get attention from the family. Jump around, Fight, Act Strangly, etc... But stood there is 'MeePoo' whom don't really care. As never had i see him do something to get the attention. But yes ofcourse my dad will take him around in his car. To pickup my mom or what ever. Do you know in my father's car, A Mercedez Benz, is completely mezz up. From the lather seating to the Dashboard are completely ... urr ... well not in their original shape. But well, my dad doesn't seem to care, nor anyone else. We still adore him. and Yes very much by me. 'MeePoo' is amazingly loyal to the owner: Wait sorry not owner but owner's parent. hehehe... You know once my dad need a surgery in Bamrungrad Hospital (a world hospital) and some how the disgrace of his sons & daughter, we couldn't find time to send him there. (cause some are working in the cruel would, both in Bangkok & in rest of the world). So well my dad decided to drive there himself with 'MeePoo' so once arrive to hospital. Dog aren't allow in hospital so my dad lower down the window abit and told 'MeePoo' to stay quitly and not disturb anyone and off he goes to the operating theater. Once he was discharge the guard whom was instructed by my dad to watch over the dog while he was away, told my dad & my family that the dog was in such a good behavior that he though there was somthing wrong with the dog. We then understood that he actually understand what we tell him. *** Most of us whom are in Bangkok did go to visit my Dad once he was out of the operation theater and was resting in normal patient room. We have no idea that my dad brought the dog there with him... *** To be continue... (Hopefully not forgotten) |
3,332,710 | male | 24 | Telecommunications | Leo | 25,July,2004 | One thing i got to tell you are that, if you ever wonder why i set the heading of this blog in this way well let me explain. I belive everyone have their piority to things in their life. Most of these things are Family Career Friends Lover Self... Right before a year of this i use to arrage it in terms of Lover Family Career Friends Self. Why? well i don't know how to explain this but to that i guess i never knew whom would be my true love. I don't know what love is, I don't know how love can heal or hurts us, I simply have no clue at all. I only know that if i ever would have a lover a true love i would adore and take care of that person with the best ability i could ever provide. Even in relationship of over 3 person i still keep this in order. Only to find the truth of the real love then decided to re-arrange the way of thoughts. But still the order are me being the last perosn of the chain. why? well i guess i am not truely a person whom can scarifies but to the expend that i can forgive and forget, ability to give more than take, I love helping people, even if this means i will have non. But who knows maybe i will rearrage it again once i proceed with life... My family, career, friends - why are that always the top of the line and why are they in the exact same order? Well. cause these are the most important person whom will have an aspect in my life. if one chosses to fall out i wouldn't know what to do. Family are always the piority as these are the person whom had broght me into this world alive, to teach me, to guide me through things. Career are people whom also can teach me in the working enviroment which will enable me to gain more experience. Friends are people whom can comfort me in due of need time and vice versa. Leaving Lover the one whom actually shift around... will this is not due to that i do not actually take these as a piority. But instate i truly adore these, but however things make me realize that these will not get me anywhere as i have never found the person whom will stay with me the rest of my natural life. I have to say if i ever find this person, and i mean truly finding this person i will put her in the highest level ever possible. Only that to say ... of not expecting much ... hopefully when she comes she will comes... |
3,332,710 | male | 24 | Telecommunications | Leo | 25,July,2004 | Of all things, everything have a beginnning and an ending. However hey this is only the second time i am inputting this so how can i talk the ending? Will there ever be an ending? I probally guess it will have it's time to come, but not soon. So well here is my beginning. What this is is only about my life and what i have experience with people whom i had meet in the morden cruel world. I don't know how to make this sound exciting or easy to read, only thing which i will know and input are that it will come directly from the bottom of my heart. (Hey that sound like a song) hehehe. Hopefully this will not be something of which will intrest me a couple of weeks or worst days till i drop the subject. For your information alternatively you can also check out another Blog Website urlLink http://ccbob1.textamerica.com/ of which I have my picture collections from time to time. It is really good as you can email picture taken from your mobile phone camara right off to the web! So well keep the turnning !!! |
3,332,710 | male | 24 | Telecommunications | Leo | 25,July,2004 | well well well, what have i got here... a decent website provided by Google.com. How wonderful, just exactly what i needed all this time. Frankly i have to say that i am a member of this webstie since May 2004, in truth i had subscribe to this webside due to that i wishes to have a gMail account and somewhat i have read somewhere that this can get you one. But well i am not concern about gMail no more as i already have other webbased account with bluebottle.com plus free pop3 included 50mb and also very impressive way of keeping all junk mail out of my life. So right here right now all i want is to work on this impressive 'Blogger' Hope to have a great & good time here. Cheers for Blogger |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 26,May,2004 | This is the coolest thing! I just figured out how to get the blogger shortcut on my google toolbar! Now I can blog at the touch of a button! O' the joys of technology! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 25,May,2004 | Well it was Brents going away bash this past weekend! It was great fun! The padres kicked in for food and beer...they got not only 1 keg of the glorious C-, but 2!! It was awesome! And you would think that 2 kegs would be too much, but not for this group of partiers! We pretty much finished both! I couldn't believe it! And I have to say that Jay and I kicked ass at Beirut! We were the first team to take Brent and Matt to sudden death overtime! O' yeah baby! We didn't quite get the big W, but we gave them a run for their money! The night came to a close with, of course.....the hot tub! Its amazing how we always end up in th hot tub at 3 in the morning and why we think that is normal, I don't know! LOL! The next morning we were all feeling pretty chipper. I think we attributed that to the second round of sausage that the grill master cooked up at 2 in the morning! Thanks Cory! Well now Brent is off to Sea for 4 months, and he will be missed but it was great that we got to send him off with a bash! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 25,May,2004 | Well I think its time to go home. Im still at work, which sucks ass. I bought LOTR:Return of the King today and I want to go home and watch it. This week is pretty much going to suck I think. Im looking forward to the weekend though! We are going to have a bar-b-que at our casa on Sunday. Everyone is invited! On to some good news. Brian told us today that we should never work both days on a weekend from here on out. That was pretty comforting to hear after having to work a couple weekends both days. He also said that he would not ask anyone to come in and work on Memorial Day weekend. But of course that is a load of crap, we have to come in for at least one day. Im going to just work Saturday and get it out of the way so I have the rest of the weekend free! Well I've been here long enough, it time to head home! See ya all on Sunday hopefully! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 20,May,2004 | urlLink See, now this guy has a good job. |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 19,May,2004 | Did I mention that work sucks? Just in case I did'nt.........work sucks. |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 19,May,2004 | So i rode my hog, a la GT I-Drive style, on over to the old Mackay house to see what the fellers were up to. Lundberg had the THQ MX Unleashed game for XBox - so sick. Maybe honey pants would like an Xbox for her birthday!? The graphics and the sounds effects escpecially of the monster truck were awesome. Reminds me of riding my two stroke dirt bike in the hills of hungry valley, speaking of which we should plan a date for the peeps to go rent some dirt bikes and create a little havic! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 18,May,2004 | Well, E3 is over and it was awesome. It seemed to come and go so fast. I got to see all my friends from back up in the bay area. We basicly got drunk every night and then went to the Sony party and saw Black Eyed Peas, Missy Elliot and The Crysal Method. All in all, I would say a great E3! As far as going back to work goes....it sucks. We are crazy busy around here and look to stay that way for a while. We get a break somewhere towards the middle of July, but other then that we are crammed. This is really putting a stress on all of my Summer plans! Hopefully I can work though it though. Jay is back in town and we hung out with her and the peeps this weekend down in the RB. It was sweet. Got drunk on Saturday out at the pier at this new place called Underground. It was actully a pretty cool place, and I think I will be going back there for sure. After that we hit up the beach on Sunday and chilled all afternoon to wind down. Im not sure what the etiqutte is on how long these blog posts are supposed to be so im going to cut it short...until next time... |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 13,May,2004 | Ok so I have checked out the Redondo police report and the Beach Reporter crime watch report and no such arrest of an irate man that was rear-ended and arrested on Saturday, May 8.....This is not complete proof that it did not happen.....But I am smelling a big hunk of bullshit! If Cory can actually find an arrest record I might be convinced, but otherwise the smell continues to permeate! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 12,May,2004 | All I have to say is that I HATE Windows XP! My employer (and IT department whom I've spoken with about 30 times over the past 3 days) for some reason thinks that this 'operating platform' is God's gift or something. I hate to break it to them but... IT SUCKS ROYALLY! I can't do anything in it. And the best thing is that the software I use to actually DO my job doesn't run on this freaking system. What is up with that? |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | So we have plans to go to the beach on Saturday afternoon with the infamous k-dog...I am thinking.....he is really making efforts to redeem himself..this is a good thing. Its 2pm and Cory has talked to him at least 4 times that day working out the details. Cory and I get to Hermosa, hanging out eating sandos and waiting for K to show up with the beer. Cory really wants a beer so the minutes are like hours...lol...So K calls and says he has to pick up ice, and then he will be there....well another hour goes by and no beer!! We have been there for two maybe three hours at this point, so we take off and don't hear from him for the rest of the day/rest of the weekend! I guess its par for the course and solidfies the 'flakester' nickname he has earned! But wait, I get a message this morning that he was rear-ended on the way to get ice and ended up getting in a fight with the guy that rear-ended him......it gets better....the cops showed up and he got arrested and his car was impounded!! He said he spent the last two days in jail and just got his car back!! Is this story for real?!?!?! I dont know what I believe anymore....... |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | Whew, almost an hour later and I finally can post up to this blog. I had to scour the net to find a web hosting space to stash my cool avatar pic. Come on, Carl is the coolest F'n character evar. Anyway, I just want these next 2 days to pass as fast as possible because the coolest nerd convention of all time is occuring here in sunny so-cal. Much like Cory, I can't wait to geek out and play all these damn games that I have been reading about this past year. Ok, I think I could write here all day, even though this is my first time writing to a blog. I feel like a young virgin breaking her cherry for the first time.... oops, I think the fcc might come down on this place already. Gotta go! One last thing, don't you hate it when the bathroom stall is outta TP when you sit down? |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | E3 is coming up this week and I cant wait! There are going to be tons of new games and things to see. All my friends are going to be coming down from the bay area too, so there is going to be some serious partying going on as well! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 11,June,2004 | Well its been pretty hard ot keep up with the blogger lately. There has been so much going on here at work that I barley have time for anything anymore! Last weekend was really dope. We hung out with Larry and Colette down in the South Bay and surprise, surprise, we got wasted! Nothing like a little dip in the hot tub/pool at 3am! The fatty neighbors were not so happy about it, but thats OK. =) On to this week. Basicly this week has been all about work. We are trying to get our Focus disc and Public Beta disc done this week, so I have not been home much at all. I hope that next week tones it down a bit. All this work time is getting to just be too much! This weekend. Its going to be sweet. We are going to the KROQ Weenie Roast on Saturday! We being Christi, Paul and I. Im really stoked to see the Beastie Boys and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. We have lawn seats so we are going to have to get there early and its going to be a long day. Im looking forward to those $7 beers! Well better get back to work.... |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 02,June,2004 | urlLink Christi and Cory's amazing new futon in living color! |
3,293,221 | female | 26 | Accounting | Cancer | 13,July,2004 | So we just got back from a weekend of motorcycle mania. It was quite fun I must say. Not so excited to be back at work though. My first full week in about a month. Pretty much sucks even though I'm doing more of the emailing than the working...but whatever...I still have to be here which pretty much blows. Why can't I have a sweet job that gives me the summer off and pays me for it. Or shoot...why not the whole year! What I wouldn't do for that job. Anyhow, here are some highlights of the weekend: 1. Cory and 8ball on the walkie talkies. I think their next occupation should be truck drivers. They've aced the most important part of the job - CB radio kings. 2. Fixing Christi's car hood on the side of the 46 at 2am. 8ball mcguivered it with a license plate screw, strap, and duct tape. The key to the job was definitely the duct tape. What a sweet ride that was after its makeover. The green machine definitely would have made the Top 10 list of Best Hoopdies. 3. Wine tasting. Enough said on that subject. I mean really...we all know I'm the wine queen! 4. Riding on a motorcycle with 8ball. I was pretty much scared shitless and swore that I would never get on one of those death machines. But 8ball finally wore me down. I had a great time and am looking forward to riding with him again. I just need the proper equipment. My sister has pretty much stated that I will be murdered if I do not get proper footwear. So I'm going out this weekend and getting some steel-toed boots that will save my little footsies from serious damage. (And I'm definitely of the mindset that I don't really ever want to have to put them to the test! So you better be safe with me Mr. 8ball!) 5. Motorcycle races at Laguna Seca (the whole reason for the trip). 8ball brought them up a couple of months ago and stated that he didn't want to miss THE races at Laguna Seca. I was thinking that 2 days of watching motorcycle races was pretty much going to be the death of me. But thankfully...they rocked! I had a great time. We sat in awesome seats, right on the track, in the Aprilia tent. Those guys ride SOOO fast! It's pretty cool watching them on the turns and hauling ass down the straight-a-ways. Very fun. On the whole, the weekend rocked. The Laguna Seca Race Weekend will definitely make it into the 'annual vacation' register on the ol' calendar. :-) On a side note...can everybody say Kern River in one week's time? WOO HOO!!!! |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 24,April,2004 | I went to the store today, needing to buy some ink refills for my pen. I thought that I would find the item I was looking for quickly and within five minutes I would be out of the store. Well, things didn’t go exactly as planned. It took me a lot longer to find refills than I thought, but not too terribly wrong. What is really of note here is when I got to the counter. There was an older woman in front of me checking out. She was dressed fairly nicely and had a cart full of items. The checker began to scan the items and I noticed that a lot of them were Valentine’s Day items that hadn’t been sold and so were marked down considerably to get them out of the store. Before the cashier scanned each item the woman would say, “Now make sure that it rings up for 75%, otherwise I don’t want it.” Well, of course, not all the items rung up correctly and every time an item failed to be discounted she did not want it. These went on for about a dozen items, and a line of about three people had formed behind me. Then the cashier scanned other household items, all them having bright orange stickers, announcing that their price was reduced. After another five minutes of this the woman dug into her purse and pulled out a whole handful of coupons. The cashier had to go through at least eight coupons, making sure that each was the correct coupon for the item she had purchased. Some weren’t, and true to form, the woman wanted those items taken off her bill. The really icing on the cake was when she announced quite loudly that she had forgotten Q-Tips, because she had a 25% coupon. I was about ready to burst into laughter thinking that I was on television, it was like the woman that everyone jokes about but doesn’t think really exists. Well the line that formed behind me began to get restless, and honestly I was getting a little anxious. The man directly behind me threw his purchase on the counter and walked out cursing under his breath. What really got me though was how focused this woman was on saving fifty cents on mascara. I mean does it really matter that much to buy Valentine’s Day candy for seventy-five cents instead of a dollar? We live in a society so addicted to money that we will do whatever it takes to save a nickel or a dime here or there. I can make an inference that this woman had probably been collecting coupons for several weeks to try and save five or six dollars. I don’t think God wants us to do that. The first commandment says that we shall no other gods before Him, anything we give more attention than God is sinning, including clipping coupons. Now, I am not saying that we should never try and save a dollar here or there, that is good stewardship. It is apparent though that this woman has dedicated a good portion of her time to trying to make her budget go as far as possible. I think it is reasonable to say that God gave us this life and these resources to enjoy and appreciate. What is wrong with going to a nice restaurant every now and then? What is wrong with buying some nice clothes occasionally? God wants us to be happy too. |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 23,April,2004 | http://www.relevantmagazine.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=6478&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 I got this from a Catholic buddy of mine....what a waste of time.... Ryan |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 23,April,2004 | I have an idea...this may sound crazy...but...why don't we start with one topic instead of everything? Yeah? Wrap your head around that one... |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | how about homosexuality....women in leadership...lords supper......hymns or choruses....announcements before or after the worship service....can a christian cuss......can a christian listen to secular music....should a church teach only its doctrine....does satan exist....are we predestined.....is the scripture perfect....are the gospels accurate....did jesus really raise from the dead....what about the jews.....what should we do with leviticus....where did abraham and moses go when they died.....what makes a person saved....are their modern day prophets....should speaking in tongues still be used by the church....which is more important....music or preaching or communion....why is there so much paul in the bible and so little peter and james....what should constitute church membership...how are we supposed to witness to others......how are we to explain that jesus is the only way.....should there be televangelists.....is there an absolute truth......is the god of the koran...the same as the god of the bible.....why did judas betray jesus.....was he controlled by satan.....why were their giants in the promised land....the scriptures say that angles mated with human women...i don't buy it..... well...thats enough for right now... Ryan |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | Let's cover a lot of these issues. Baptism. Abortion. Homosexuality. Killing in Wars. What are other argued about subjects? |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | Guilt? I only feel guilt when I sin. I think guilt is a great thing. An awesome thing. I think it's God's way of whispering, 'Hey, maybe you shouldn't do that again.' If I feel guilty, I know I've done something wrong and I try to change it. Well, try is the operative word here. Here's a piece from my online diary, just so everyone knows how much I appreciate all of them... youth group has really changed me... this blog really is a great idea... : Without Wednesday youth group, I wouldn't be who I am right now. I'm not a christian but I am an individual touched by God. I went to the First Baptist Church thinking that I would have to lie about my past and who I am and how I think to fit in with a bunch of hypocritical christians who think that if a person doesn't fit the description of a Jesus Freak, then they shouldn't go to church. Instead I found a bunch of people just like me with the same guilts, dilemmas, and sins they were trying to overcome. The youth leader declares that sometimes he's not even sure if God exists, and reading the Bible doesn't make things easier... it makes things completely different. More complicated. But he doesn't feel uncomfortable announcing he's a christian because he overcomes all of his doubts. He doesn't feel bad if he doesn't live up to everyone else's standards of Christianity because he knows what he is trying to do. God knows what he is trying to do. At least, that's how I see it... I want to be like that. The Bible says that being a christian doesn't have to change the outside of a person. In fact, no one may notice the changes... no one except God. But really, that's all that matters right? Who cares if people don't get you or your beliefs? God does. Mike Y. said that christians spend too much time preaching about their religion and trying to change other people that they're not really listening to God. They're not fully in touch with God. I like Mike Y. He thinks like I do. A sin's a sin, and the christians and the atheists sin just as much as the other one does. The difference between them is that the christians are trying to change. You can't call yourself a christian unless you're willing to let God work through you. But I don't believe in labeling myself anyway. I don't call myself a christian because I'd rather just be known for my love of God, rather than be associated with an entire group of people. I would like to be filed under 'Worshipper of God' rather than under a group of people where I question their faith. I am trying to change. I go through a mood swing of emotions and thoughts where I try to get a grip on myself. I try to work on the sins that are overtaking me. I can stop what I say or do at any time, if I really wanted to. But can I stop what I think? The way I think? I'm trying, but emotional struggles are so much harder to calm than physicalities. I may look to you just like another teenager, naive and prejudiced, judging and stupid. But I'm letting God work through me and I struggle with what He tells me to do everyday. See me walk down the hallways with a smile, but inside there's a war between my mind and my soul. I'm not like everyone now. I'm not like the girl you saw on New Years. You may not be able to tell the difference. But God can. |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | on another issue all together....guilt...what about guilt....what place does it play in my life?....should all christians feel guilty after watching the passion....or after going to church on sunday morning....or just reading the bible.....is there such a thing as too much guilt....maybe.....maybe not.....I know that for a long time I had a lot of guilt about a lot of stuff and I prayed for God to help me with my problems...but it didn't seem like it helpled all too much...so is God not powerful enough to help me...or am I too weak to help myself....or a combination of both....I don't think guilt should lead to a loss of faith....thats a bad deal.... Of course we should feel guilty about watching our savior be crucified. He was there because of all of our sins, and our shortcomings in the eyes of God. I don't think a person should be a Christian just because they think Jesus was a decent guy and what happened to him sucked. I think there are a lot of decent people who got screwed over in life but I don't go on worshipping them. The guilt should be because he was who he was, not solely because of what happened to him. Guilt shouldn't lead to a loss of faith, I think feeling guilty about sinning leads to more faith. Also, I'm not too sure that God answers all prayers as well as we'd like him to. Maybe not seeing the ideas he has for us is the main problem. Also, everytime I think about guilt in that way I picture myself as one of the crazy fire and brimstone type preachers screaming 'Every time you sin you're saying that Jesus's death wasn't good enough for you!' then I giggle, I haven't sat down and put much thought to whether that is justifiable or not, I can just picture someone saying that and it makes me laugh, oh well... |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | so...it seems that I am the minority on this one....hmm...didn't expect that to happen at all....I always assumed that those i taught when take on my viewpoints...not saying that its a bad thing...actually i am quite happy that there is disagreement here...makes things much more interesting and it challenges me in my faith...we have to be challenged more...i think that christians try too hard sometimes to try and be nice....'thats whats wrong with you people....you just walk out when things get tough....you don't stay and fight....'....well let me tell you....I will stay and fight... on another issue all together....guilt...what about guilt....what place does it play in my life?....should all christians feel guilty after watching the passion....or after going to church on sunday morning....or just reading the bible.....is there such a thing as too much guilt....maybe.....maybe not.....I know that for a long time I had a lot of guilt about a lot of stuff and I prayed for God to help me with my problems...but it didn't seem like it helpled all too much...so is God not powerful enough to help me...or am I too weak to help myself....or a combination of both....I don't think guilt should lead to a loss of faith....thats a bad deal.... Anyway.....anyone want to join this blog....just send me their email and they will get an invite...the more perspectives the better... Ryan |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | I'd think that masturbating is a better alternative than to be sexually impure with another person. In that case you're bringing other people into your own sin, and leading them further away from God. Any sin can totally control someones life, and masturbation is no different, anything that takes away from the worship of God is a sin, and when I consciously make the decision to stay at home and masturbate rather than go to church, then I'll consider myself a problem child. Until then, it's how I deal with impure thoughts, and thanks to the book at the Youth Convention, I know I'm not alone in that regard. And I don't care if I've shared too much. |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | Lusting is way too hard not to do. I don't think masturbation can help someone stop lusting in some situations. Say, you have a girlfriend that you spend a lot of time with. Will it help to just masturbate EVERY TIME before you see her so that you won't have impure thoughts about her? That's a heck of a lot of work to do, rather than just trying to control your urges. We have souls here, it seems like a reasonable idea. It seems very possible to contain yourself if you genuinely want to. First, you have to believe that masturbation is a sexual sin and then every time you have a desire to lust, remind yourself that it is wrong. I never said that I believe people shouldn't masturbate, it's just fun to be on the other side of the spectrum for once... Christians have way harder problems to cope with than masturbation. And to Robb, I'll be sure to remind you of what you should be worried about. If, in fact, I am that talented or intellectual. |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | I wish I had sexy problems. People write books about sexual temptation, about dealing with believing in an all-knowing God, about helping their relationship with Jesus, and all sorts of thought-provoking questions. I haven't found a book about not caring or not being able to care. It's not that I don't care about Jesus, our relationship, and my faith. I do, but I find that I don't care about a lot of things that I should, and it doesn't seem like I'm cut out to care. I don't have a problem with my problems. I have a problem that I don't have a problem with my problems. I do things that are wrong, just like everyone else, and I constantly think of them. I think about them, sometimes talk to someone about them, most of the time pray about them, eventually forget about them. I don't know how to deal with faith, grace, and or righteousness, that's my problem. I go to youth and we read passages from scripture and I say 'Gee...that's fine and dandy...' then someone comes in with something that is so much more spiritual and thoughtful than anything I could have ever hoped to think of. It's like I absolutely have to surround myself with these people who will think in depth about things and discuss them with me, or else I'll just find myself willingly walking into problems that I don't even think exist. I find a conflict within myself where I don't know if I can think for myself, but then in thinking about that I wonder that if someone worries that they're not thinking for themselves than they really are. And I believe that that is called a paradox, although I don't know, someone just told me that's what it is. Did I mention that I'm going to a Christian college next year, and that I hope to be able to teach other kids about the great faith that I have? Maybe it's not that there isn't a book or help for people that don't care, maybe I just haven't been led there yet. I always think about people who blindly go through life not knowing whether or not what they're doing is wrong or right, but not really trying to find out. I think I'm one of those people. I just don't want to be. Maybe there is a book about not caring, and maybe someone just hasn't shown it to me yet. |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | So yesterday we had to give this presentation about the Christian subculture and how it has handled the topic of sexuality...for some odd reason we got talking about masturbation...and I ....being the strong minded person that I am....and willing to stir the pot a little...said that I don't think its that bigga deal....as long as it doesn't dominate ones life....of course....i was not met with much enthusiasm....many were offended about what i had to say...it felt like they were going to lynch me.....but....i don't think its a very black and white issue....sure there is lusting involved...and that has to somehow fall under the category of sexual immorality...well maybe not....be i am going to assume...but is it better for a teenage boy to sit in class and look at pretty girls and not think about the subject.....or is it better for him to masturbate....get that out of his mind and move on.....then maybe he can think clearly about God and his faith.....it just seems more beneficial in the long run...i am prolly wrong here....someone enlighten me.... Ryan |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | I just read the last chapter of Messy Spirituality again. I know that I have a chance if the thief being crucified next to Jesus got into Heaven. Grace isn't fair but it sure does beat not being forgiven... I worry about sinning but I think worrying and feeling guilty is like being forgiven... at least, I hope it is being forgiven. It really isn't hard to receive grace. I just worry if that's enough to get into Heaven. I worry I will mess up my life with one huge sin and then I will die before I can ask for forgiveness... I have a huge fear. Going to Hell. |
3,185,684 | female | 17 | Arts | Leo | 22,April,2004 | I know....sometimes I wonder just why we are equipped for doing some much harm...I guess it makes it that much harder to be holy...sometimes i wonder if we can really attain holiness....not just for a minute or two...but for entire days....like going without sinning for a couple weeks or something.....i hope that its true....because if there isn't a possibility of true holiness then i am sunk....and we are sunk as humans...I am not willing to believe that I cannot be perfect somehow....i guess cause thats i am always a humanist....i have been given enough ability to seek after God....if that ability disappears i think that we are no longer human.....sin is tough.....i haven't found a way to beat it yet....seek ye first the kingdom of God....and all things we will be added unto you......i can't help but think of the prayer that a man says after Jesus healed him, 'Lord I believe.....help my unbelief....'......thats all I can hope for Ryan |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.