id
int64 5.11k
4.34M
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | age
int64 13
48
| topic
stringclasses 40
values | sign
stringclasses 12
values | date
stringlengths 2
18
| text
stringlengths 4
790k
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 23,June,2004 | i can't wait for things to get moving, i want out of here. im lookin forward to uni although it means another 3 years in england. it should be so much fun from my experiences of it so far and my brother's experiences. after uni though it will be another year i guess before i can move, as i'll need to work for 'bout that long to get some money. will be quite lonely i imagine as every1 will have moved on by then. i wana work in a pub, duno why, not any pub, not a big pub, i'd love to work the fox n hound by jill's - it's small n friendly, i think thats what attracks me to bein a barmaid - every1 thinks its somit to look down on but what's so bad bein surrounded by people in a friendly (if smoky :s) atmosphere? mayb im naive... also hav a job lined up with jill i hope :) i love the sound of what she plans to do and she says she'll employ me :) ur pretty much self-employed to be honest so it should happen n im into herbal homeopathic stuff so sounds good for me. after that id love to work in italy or canada. i cant speak italian so that leaves canada lol. although i don't have enough points for a visa :( i hav a friend who's gona help me as he's canadian (thats gota help!) and if i end up workin for a whole year before i go then that shld give me more points, plus im gona try learn french alongside my psychology degree, i wana speak french newas but now i hav a goal for it and will give me more points the better at it i am. the biggest problem is probably death - i.e. getting in a plane... ive been thinkin bout takin a flight course to help me feel more prepared for flying, but i don't see how im gona erase the knowledge that it could crash - and if it does it's the worst possible thing to be in that crashes. i dont wana die. if i do, i dont wana die like that. but then more than not wanting to die, i wana live, i know wot i mean... which brings me onto the fact that i realy should start jogging again. i wana b able to do the 10mile fun run next year to raise money for something that keeps catching my eye, i seem to read about it in magazines n papers all the time, n things through the door, it breaks my heart, if there's nethin i can do i wana do it. not because im such a great person just because ive seen the effects.... newas...will b a new years resolution lol im pathetic camp america should be cool too, wish it was this summer though as im gona b bored outa my brain n probs comit suicide for somit fun to do...talkin of which my mum thinks im on drugs, seriously do i come across as that abnormal n screwed? i guess we just have different views on what's normal, what emotions n behaviour are acceptable, whats good for us etc. o well arrivedechi x |
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 20,June,2004 | i wrote this out all interestin n happy n then lost it. now i dnt hav energy to do it again. went camping. peed in a cup lol, was al gd...til i spilled it on me :s its wrong but ya gota laf n hav humility lol. got a digital camera - hav taken pretty pictures of roses n fire...hmmm that wld make a gd picture, a rose in fire... do not know where and how to dispose of half eaten sandwich n pee cup without rousing suspision from parents :s... we're alive, n my friend got attacked 2mins away from my house - so hah! to all u who's logic this disproves n told us we'd get killed if we went campin. kinda wana go give him a big hug :s is worryin, one punch at the wrong angle n u cld kill sum1...but he's fine n i cnt so meh woteva. gota love 3 days grace - got the album off my bro, luv this song: 'i'm not sober all the time, u bring me down (at least u try), until we see this eye to eye, i don't want you. i must be running outa luck cos ur jus not drunk enough to fuck, & now ive had it up to here, and i dont,i dont want you... it took so long to say...you walked away from me...when i need you. wake up, im pounding on the door, 'im not the man i was before' - where the hell are you, when i need you?! wake up, im pounding on the door, 'i wont hurt u anymore' - where the hell are you, when i need you?! i'm not angry all the time, u push me down (at least u try), until we see this eye to eye, i don't want you... it took so long to say...you walked away from me...when i need you. wake up, im pounding on the door, 'im not the man i was before' - where the hell are you, when i need you?! wake up, im pounding on the door, 'i wont hurt u anymore' - where the hell are you, when i need you?! it took so long to say u walked away from me when i need you. wake up, im pounding on the door, 'im not the man i was before' - where the hell are you, when i need you?! wake up, im pounding on the door, 'i wont hurt you anymore' - where the hell are you, when i need you?! sarah x i hate sundays. it doesn't matter what kinda week i had or how im feelin, sunday comes around n bleurgh. n nothin to do or ne1 to c to distract me. so i end up sittin at home, doin nuthin, n cnt do hw wit a headache :( |
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 17,June,2004 | ok so i only set this up to post on joeys blog....hmm that was half hour ago still havnt dun it lol got distracted with makin my own! so this seems pretty cool, tho dont c who's gona read it but i never get tired of talkin to myself. i went to the zoo! and my face is painted like a lion...roar ;) joey took me for my bday :) which i was actualy dreadin, i was up most of the night crying sunday night, i was convinced something bad wld happen - it always does - last year i had a major row with sum1 ended up doin sumthin verrrry silly n now hav to live my easily-influenced judgment. newa last year still was the best and there was no way this year was gona b good, and i was was so worried id start cryin when there's this pressure to like b happy u've survived another year, yet i got loadsa cool pressies, glad i dragged myself outa bed cos my mates r fab, satrday night i got so wasted i didn't get in 'til 7 but it was all good clean fun. i wanted to go to Aroma in braintree tho :( but still i got chinese takeaway :). and we're going camping this satrday nite!! which btw anyone can come so if ya hav a tent come!!! newas...later...love sarah xxx |
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 16,July,2004 | so im back - yay! rnt we all so happy bout that, i sure am. grr hav a pic called wind... wrote this (dont ask me why) but takin me ages to put it onto the pic :( Wind She wandered down the cold stone steps; wind whistling through the thick air, causing her wispy hair to flutter about her face like black silk scarves in a teasing dance. Foriegn leaves skittered after her, pushing her further away from their familiar habitat, chasing her to the border of her own world. Falling - to her inexorable melancholy bare-existance. She'd like to see the arrow splintered in his pulse, she'd like to see his eyes flood with lies. Drawing in. Sucking; bleeding; watching you gasping. A little smile plays upon her lips, her eyes excitedly wide - they narrow again, as her fingers step to a lament only she can hear, echoing throughout her hollow mind. Numb. Entrapt in this bitter wind. Kneeling down in the dirt, one long nail traces a symbol. Lifting a blue teardrop from beneath small lashes - it's blessed. Rising, dizzy with energy, she falters, regains control, she holds the chains now. She binds and sways the wind to her desire, encircling her 'til she cannot breathe. She'll take your breath with her instead. blah blah blah, *skins herself n hangs it up to dry* 'take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green n the girls are pretty* wow i hav so much to say xBWx :( |
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 02,July,2004 | actualy im gona carry on writin cos now i feel even shiter and cryin again. y do i put up with so much crap from ppl wen ppl seem to turn against me so easily? so from reading joe's blog i realise actualy he kinda hates me now. wot did i say? tried to make light of a situation by sayin 'u gota be nice to me to get custody, n il stil get to live with u at weekends but mum in the week cos that seems to be how it works' there was no meanin behind that jus simply an observation or somit id assumed which was wrong. last time i try n joke about. i was harsh, tho truthful, cos i dnt handle ppl i care bout being off with me, im extremely sensitive - like i said weak n pathetic. so i said somit out of line, n seems ppl dnt kno how to forgive. well i never claimed to be a good friend or a good person, i do try, i jus suck. if ne1 i thort beca wld push me away cos i kno how hard it is for her but she dsnt seem to hold it against me hanging out wit joe, gona miss her next week. i dnt know how im gona handle next week. im not xactly in the mood for a challenge now. |
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 02,July,2004 | today's been crap, havnt felt like this for a while. im hoping its pms lol thats wot im puttin it down to, i think mayb to do with joe, but at least seems to b tlkin to me now... mayb its cos i been happy n hyper for a cple of weeks n its jus impossible to go so long without breakin down n cryin lol. i hate myself sumtimes tho, i feel so weak for lettin small things upset me, im too vulnerable wen it comes to other ppl, its pathetic but i always do it. and now im coming across as a miserable cow. im not, ive been so much better lately. its jus today. and this will pass. tho il be in germany - i dont want to be but o well. n i deserve it sumtimes, im not mean most of the time honest jus realy stupid i dnt intentionaly offend ppl very often, jus my fat ugly mouth. gona stop writin cos jus babbling randomly depressin stuff |
3,668,238 | female | 17 | Student | Gemini | 02,July,2004 | will post properly later, shld be in skool but instead listnin to music doin german coursework :s hoobastank are cool, for example - running away: I don't want you to give it all up And leave your own life collecting dust And I don't want you to feel sorry for me You never gave us a chance to be And I don't need you to be by my side To tell me that everything's alright I just wanted you to tell me the truth You know I'd do that for you Why are you running away? Why are you running away? Cause I did enough to show you that I Was willing to give and sacrifice And I was the one who was lifting you up When you thought your life had had enough And when I get close, you turn away There's nothing that I can do or say So now I need you to tell me the truth You know I'd do that for you So why are you running away? Why are you running away? Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do To make you change your mind Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do Is it a waste of time? Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do To make you change your mind So why are you running away? Why are you running away? ...What is it I've got to say... So why are you running away? ...To make you admit you're afraid... Why are you running away? hmm *turn music off...go to school!* ~Disturbed Angel - Beautifully Decayed~ |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 31,July,2004 | Met Lim this morning, then we went to SPC to get help from Raymond.MATHS..no choice la..cos there's a maths quiz coming up and our lecturer is damn boring. Seriously, yesterday was the very first time I really can listen and pay attention during maths with minimal distraction. Went to TP in the afternoon with Janice and Mandy..studed in the library till it close..Badminton at 5pm, TP sports hall..I only managed to do little stuff at TP cos I can't study outside..many pple plus distractions..so irritating. Headed for TM after that..Went NTUC to buy fruits and bars. Then Janice didn't allow me to go home. So accompanied her to YAMAHA..she wanna buy a new guitar. Rich girl. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 30,July,2004 | Such a boring day. I have no comments. I found out that I'm the shortest girl in my class. Had very healthy food today. I shall not mention what they are. Cos I can't be bothered to do so right now. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 29,July,2004 | Nuts. As usual, Theo and I played with food. Today's creation consisted of USA waffle, ice cream, hershey's choc syrup, QOO Lemon, ice kachang, maple syrup, chilli sauce, butter, tomato ketchup. So interesting. We did something worse after that. Theo poured the solution into Roy's drink can. Crap. During lesson, we were still crapping. Making fun of HoFM. Theo imitated her la..trying to be funny. TBCM was worse. Only the other half of the class (the rest of the girls) were paying attention and doing their work seriously. The rest of us were gave stupid answers all the time. Theo was drawing throughout. The thing is, we were seated right in front of the teacher's table. First row somemore. hahaha... After sch, Lim,Wilson,Theo and I went to IKEA. Lim wanted to go there to buy toys, for dunno what reason. We went there for hot dog first. Cheap and nice. Theo and I shared one cos both of us scared fat. Then we played with all the sauce. Custard,chilli and tomato. This time the mixture was nice..so smooth..hahaha...went to walk after that. hee..Then after that Wilson suddenly appeared behind us. But nvm... Went to TM with Theo and Wilson after that. Kept laughing on the mrt. Theo kept imitaing and making fun of HoFM n GeokEng..wahaha..Wilson went to arcade to play while waiting for his friend. Theo and I went to walk. Then we went NTUC. After that I went home and he went to Orchard. Tml still can play with food. cos we got one and half hr break. so good! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 28,July,2004 | Met up with Lim,Wilson,Roy and Theo for breakfast at Mac. I insisted want to go Mac cos wanted to play with food. So disgusting lor..Theo and I played with all the sauce. Mix honey,butter,sugar,coffee-mate,tomato ketchup,chilli sauce,coffee,milo and tartar sauce together. Fun but just gotta bear with the smell on our fingers after that. So fun to play with food. 17 years old already still play..so childish rite? The worst thing is that Theo blow bubble into the disgusting mixture using straw. yucks..eww.. After school, Roy,Lim,Wilson,me,Keith,Nicholas,Addison and Valerie went to Sakae at HarbourFront. Addison's treat.We had buffet. Total cost was $143.80. Too bad Theo didn't want to come along at the last minute, otherwise, we can really play with food. Lim was perfectly normal today, which is quite unusual. She'd been nuts(to the power of infinity) for the past two days. Giggles is very alert despite her age. Her lecture was damn boring that Theo and I started to write messages BUT she noticed us. Haiz..but one thing. The teachers din bother to stop us from eating sweets in class.It's against the rule to eat in class..but who cares, rite? Rules are meant to be broken(quote Mandy).. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 27,July,2004 | Today's lunch was on Addison, Mr Rich man. Went to pizza hut for lunch. The meal totalled up to about $59.++ It's not a problem to him cos he's so rich and $60 is nothing to his father..haha.. Wilson and Jerren ate like gluttons, as usual. Hmm..leftover food..wonder what happened to them? Theo and I played with the leftover food..mixing everything together till it smelled horrid..but was real fun. Jerren took a pic of the disgusting creation, Lim can't be bothered..too disgusted. The state of the leftover food is gonna be worse tml. lolx...crappy plans..depends..see where we go first. Basically, leftover food will NEVER be in good state when tampered with CREATIVE people like me..haha |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 26,July,2004 | Hmm..we didn't do UWOS tutorial 3 for homework cos we din know that it's supposed to be done..nvm..anyway.... Theodore and I brought our neoprints and prom pics today. He's really very FAT when he was in sec sch and also looks very different. Super duper different. Now he so ai mei..wear contacts..haha..but I'm still FAT as I always am. very funny..Lim and I laughed when we saw his pic.. Oh ya! Our NOODLE family was formed today. All thanks to Wilson. He's already so skinny yet he wants to go to slimming centre. Cos of his size, Lim called him noodle. Then Theo named the rest of us. Jerren:bee hoon, Wilson:mee sua, Theo:mee hoon kuay, Steph Yap:yu mian, Steph Lim:ee mian, Roy:meepok..He named the remaining girls fishball, fishcake, tau gay, tau kua, tau pok and cockel..wahahaha! Our TBCM teacher was called ban mian cos of her hair..Very mean rite? But nvm.. Basically, we're crapping the whole day. See the TBCM teacher already can laugh. But Theo kept making me laugh during DBMS. Observe the teacher's eyes and the way she speaks, then IMITATE! not his fault la..we gotta have eye contact with the teacher when lessons are going on..*Theo imitates the way she pops her eye* (pop_your_eye.enabled = True) haha.. ;p Lim's damn hyper today. Kept on talking and making noise non-stop, since the time we met in the morning till the end of school..still can't stop. uh oh...something's wrong. She accidentally caused Wilson to drop Jerren's hp on the floor till it was dismantled into a million partitions. But miraculously, the hp din go bonkers! It's such a fun day (except for DBMS prac. I lost my Country table..haha..) I'm still very alert now..but the effect of the caffeine from the coffee I had this morning is gonna be 'OFF' soon..getting tired. tml got MATHS..so sianz..of all subjects, MATHS!! ARGH! ALERT WARNING: 'SP CMI detected at T17, Level 5' ..use real-time for more details. (time-critical) Eye-witnesses please call the CMI. Rewards will be given for the first 2 callers. Attractive prizes include a lanyard and a bottle of peanut butter. hahahaha~!! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 26,July,2004 | It's Sunday..today is the launch of our Chinese service..quite cool. I was planning to join Chinese congregation but Charissa said I'm mad or something like that. haha..i dun really mind her saying that. cos i agree that my Chinese is terrible. Anyway i'll be attending Chinese service with Si Ning and Janice Lim(if she wakes up early to go church). Today we went to Geylang for lunch, for a change. Tried smelly beancurd..it really stinks and i hate it. yucks! if it was tasty, it wouldn't be named 'smelly beancurd'..lolx.. It's already been three weeks since school started and I guess I'm getting along fine. Except that I dun really like the practicals. so sickening and troublesome. But I'm a student, so i gotta study..School's real FUN! especially having new friends around me and we always crap and do all sorts of funny stuff like the happy tree friends thingy..but it was cool rite? haha..new friends..hmm..pple such as Roy,Theodore,Wilson(very dao),Jarren(pinky),Keith(Scooby Doo),Jeremy,Nicholas..Steph Lim is old fren..hmm..basically this group of us go for lunch together..BUT there's these few of us who're always late for every lesson..me,Lim,Roy,Theo,Wilson,Jarren...cos we're in the same class..hahaha :p The subjects that we study are quite okie..(except for practicals!) TBCM can be considered the best tutorial..cos the teacher is easy to get along with and we can do all sorts of funny things like locking her outta class and using her account to logon to happy tree friends..wahahaha~the next subject that i like is CRS..cos there's no maths and practical required..our first homework for CRS was to watch Spiderman 2..can u believe it?? I'll stop my crap now..cos I think I'm writing too much and it's only the first entry! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 19,August,2004 | today was great! only DBMS and TBCM..haiyo..that HoFM arh..like only know how to say a few phrases. cos we got case study mah..den i try doing it lor..she see me draw entities only den say...well done..like duh! only the first step!! drawing entities..nvm..she only know how to say wowchow..very very well done..alright, let's get started..hahaha.. so happy..met up with janice after school..went for early dinner..cos she got taekwondo..so we eat early..plus she starving le..had Kenny Rogers..was craving for the broccoli they have there..so i tell her go tampines instead..den i went tampines with Theo and Terry lor..they go comic shop, we go eat. den after when we all done liao..went NTUC do grocery shopping.. i want to buy things mah..buy lunch for tml. after that we we walked to TP. cos janice go back TP for taekwondo, Theo go meet his fren..Terry very free, so all walk together. den reach TP a while i tired le..so went home..i walked home lor.. i learnt to appreciate a new drink..luo han guo. very nice. must learn to drink such healthy stuff le..and it's nice lor. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 17,August,2004 | today got CRS test..not too bad la..about media violence..done it before in sec sch, just that the passage and questions slightly different. hopefully still can make it. i simply love fruits lor..today they wanted to go foodcourt 6, den we go lor..there got no food to eat lor..all not appealing..so fruits is just the best solution. i had 1 watermelon, 1 kiwi, 1 tomato, 1 banana..den other student see already say 'eeeee..tomato'. damn lor..like duh! wads wrong with eating tomato! heck la..den we left first..went co-op shop..damn lor..bought choc..but share..so not too bad.CRUNCH.nice la..today class was from 9-6pm..but fruits still the best. den afternoon break also fruits. its like..wad else can we eat? anyway..afternoon..1 watermelon, 1 tomato, 1 carrot share..carrot so damn nice lor..love it so much. had 3 big carrots and 5 small ones for dinner. got grapefruit, green apple too..my whole day was green...all the fruits. COOL! tml gonna have carrots and fruits for lunch..so cool lor..like this sure can lose weight de..i gained weight lor..haiz..so sinful. today VB prac..no comments. theo showed giggles happytreefriends..he ask her not to sneeze too much..cos got one character look like her...sneeze till the brain come out..she see the brain den like dot dot dot expression..hahaha.. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 16,August,2004 | now is DBMS prac. i finish prac6 le, so here i come. entertain myself first before doing prac7. today prac still can lor..at least can do without asking for help. sian la..nth to write. not going for bible study later. reason shall not be said. i'm bored. got nothing to write. have been craving for chocs the whole afternoon. wondering if i should get some later. think better not. sinful. this whole month cannot go run..cos got pple downstairs burn incense damn smelly and stink. for the time being, SKIP! skipping helps too..after one month den go run. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 15,August,2004 | what happened to me this time? i just can't concentrate practising piano. was practising the J.S Bach Sarabande and Rondeaux den halfway cannot make it..just seemed to forget everything..especially the rondeaux part. why? i wasn't like that..now that my exam is near, i feel the stress. all of a sudden. maybe cos of some reasons..okie..i shall admit it. my weight again. while i was practising, i kept thinking about my weight..cos i have gained weight. and i can't take it.plus was also considering wad to eat tml..just to lose more weight. and planning to go jog tml. this exam is very important lor..but haiz..i haven't been practising seriously. especially my scales. i just totally ignored them till like few days back. i'm scared. i just passed my exam last year..and i cannot afford to fail. even if 100 marks also good. went for lesson in the afternoon..den went to Gramercy to book the studio..but fortunately, the exam piano is exactly the same as mine. bought mine from that showroom. but my piano nicer cos brown color..the exam one same model but black color. den the room is sound proof de..cool lor..better than Kawai..the door got prob. Cristofori worse. the piano sounds like broken glass and motorcycle at both extremes. believe it or not..just now while practising the Bach piece, i almost cried cos i can't make it. plus my dad was watching tv..so noisy, can't hear myself. my bro damn irritating..talk to me halfway. damn lor... hopefully i can pass..at least 101 marks. cos i plan to continue my theory after the exam. all the best to me. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 14,August,2004 | haiyo..today is sunday. i got piano lesson at 7.45am den planned to go church. but i overslept..din go for either. i slept at 2+ last nite. was chatting with theo and his friends. after that i read mag. thats why can't wake up. but cannot blame me also mah..my mind is very alert at nite. used to it already..even if got sch, i also sleep at 1+am. haiz..cannot make it la.. later i got piano lesson at 2pm. damn lazy to get outta home. but nvm..better than stay at home rite. so boring. my exam coming soon. i haven't been practising scales till i know my exam date lor..damn slack. i hate scales. i every year only just passed that section. i just hate it lor..but no choice. i put on weight also. i very scared. i partially recovered on tuesday. den from tue till now, i've been eating alot. tue got sushi, wed got LJS+ice cream, thur got KFC. den fri i had dumpling noodle and starfruit juice. cannot la..i very fat already. somemore on fri i bought M&M peanuts lor..so nice..ate it during maths. but no one knew. haha..only i and theo eat..cos we sit right at the back. maths very boring mah..plus we got choc..so..sit behind la. den yesterday i went back to sch, i bought choc again. after sch i went whitesands marks and spencer. i bought the reduced-fat choc digestive biscuit. haiz....den i see my face like fatter le..i very scared. 8pm i went down to run. run all the chocs away. den i very long time din run liao..so when i came home, my whole face was red lor..nvm..this is just beginning. wanna lose weight, must bear with it. jerome lost weight by running 40 min each day for 3 mths. lose 30kg. if he can do it, so can i! but i got poor stamina la..tts the prob. NO PAIN NO LOSS!!! i ate alot of fruits yesterday also. all citrus fruits. cos too much choc, i scared fat. but choc really very nice. i ate one grapefruit, 2 oranges, half a dragonfruit. cannot already..today onwards no more choc! must tolerate, bear, REN!! aLL the BesT to mE! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 14,August,2004 | bloody day. damn. i hate today..so sickening. morn must go sch 9-11am DBMS prac. this not too bad. but i really hate today. so irritating. so noisy. u think u very act cute issit? huh? u tell me la! think just by acting cute, can attract alot of attention! what the hell! wadeva it is, let me affirm u first. U R NOT CUTE!!! not at all! DAMN! the whole world seems to be playing tricks on me. i shall not elaborate cos this is a web thing..and anyone can read it..wanna know? call me..and i shall decide whether or not to let you know..anyway, some things are better left unsaid. damn it sia! hanzi say wanna go out..den damn la..as usual..she nua den always last min say go out later. i tell u first, this is NOT the first time lor..almost everytime also like that. haR! ask u go get ready..u say very fast one..den 1 hr later i call, u still at home..say duno do wad online shit. damn irritating la. always play tricks on me like that. i hate myself and i hate everyone cos of all these nonsense that i get, u know?!!! i feel that i'm damn dumb and stupid la..btw, i DO have a low self-esteem.hanzi not the only one..but cos i always go out with her, thats why i know it too damn freaking well. i cannot take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i'm damn bloody angry! dun agitate me any further, if not u will get it from me!!! i'm feeling very angry now. super stirred up!!!! i hate this world!!!!!!!! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 13,August,2004 | now is UWOS prac time..dunno wad we doing also sia..boring..but very bo liao also lor..the whole class share folder den create all the nonsense..tml still got DBMS prac 9-11am..term tests coming up le..thats it..cmi |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 12,August,2004 | haiz...yesterday slept damn late la..cos install the visual basic..so freaking long sia..damn la..den today cannot wake up..wanwei gimme morn call oso no use..i sleep till 7.15am!! believe it or not, it's true!! den go school..haiya..same thing la..den hor..ate lunch at KFC..super sinful..i ate shrooms meal change potato to coleslaw..den still buy cheese fries..sure fat de..BUT..i only ate 4 fries den give to wilson, and i gave the coke to wilson and theo..so..hmm..not too bad..but damn full.. den janice came in the afternoon..i also duno why ask her to come..cos too late le..can't do anything much..so went FC4 to eat..she eat la..not me and mandy..after eat le den we from SP walk to clementi..went to mr bean to eat tang yuan..nice la..but fattening..got tangyuan, beancurd,soya milk and syrup..i was like..oh shit..thats it.. anyway i super full den wanna vomit le..i ate 3 tangyuan den mandy help me eat the last one..den we take bus to eunos den from there take mrt..hai..slept on the bus..really too tired.. i've been eating soooooo much lor..since tue till today..genki sushi on tue, LJS+ice cream yesterday, den today KFC+tangyuan..cannot la..if this goes on, sure die de..but i duno if i okay already anot..cos i like super bloated and the food like cannot digest..den still got wanna vomit that type of feeling + no appetite..but still eat.. nvm la..tml onwards cannot eat junk le..too sinful..it's a good sign i've cut down on sweets..today i drank calamansi lim green tea..so nice!! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 11,August,2004 | hmm..went back to school today..allergy gone..but i know which medicine caused it..carbon compound..!! ya went to sch lor..den as usual la..boring vb..same stuffs happen..apple and rockmelon for lunch..haha..oh ya..they got me a card..feel so loved lor..by mi friends..den got some crusaders also sign the card..somemore the person is i dunno who sia..nvm..anyway..thanks pple! went rock climb after sch..but din climb..i on mc..hahaha...den went bugis with janice and mandy..we walk and talk..den so indecisive..doc specify wad i can eat and cant mah..den they want fast food..i cant..restaurant..too ex..in the end eat LJS..bo bian already..i damn hungry till wanna vomit lor..after eat le we walked to esplanade..bought hagen dazs ice cream there..super sinful..sure put on weight de..haiya..den we went esplanade rooftop..so cool sia..told them christmas and valentine's day go there again..janice say valentine's day she wanna go with her darling sia..den ps us liao..so bad.. anyway..janice coming sp tml...haha..den can bring her go try the food..mandy picking me from class..hee!! |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 10,August,2004 | haiz..didn't go to school today..really cannot make it le..went to see doc in the morn..no choice mah..the doc sae i got food poisoning..ask me what i eat..i say i didn't eat alot..eat fish soup, a lot of fruits..he say i cannot take oily food(i hate oily stuff, so fattening!), no milk(stopped drinking that too..fattening)..strange lor..how on earth did i get food poisoning! i suspect it's the watermelons that i'd been eating..weird..in school i and theo always eat watermelon..from same stall oso..i got prob, he no prob..nvm..one person suffer enuff..if 2 arh..den cmi.. Theo and Lim called me on hp..but was showering lor..so I called Lim..they best la..the whole group of them..can call me during maths tutorial time..they pon maths tutorial..go plaza sing for yoshinoya..so cool..den lim, roy and theo talked to me..walao..miss them sia..miss mi friends so much..wanted to go sch in the afternoon..but scared wait die again..i had 2 days mc standby jus in case i die..i'll miss vb prac today..but Lim says she'll email me the codes *thanks sis*.. I love apple juice..went to buy one carton just now..so nice!! but now dun have the natural flavour already..all also got add aloe vera..so fake..but nvm..i now feel like going to the fruit stall buy apple juice. I suffered for 5 days le..lost alot of weight lor..now i weigh only 47.5kg!! so cool rite? but i dun wanna suffer..i like this weight..so light..haha..but when i'm well again, my weight sure shoot again..nvm..decide when the time comes.. mi dear friends..miss u all so much..if only i were in school today.den we pon math tutorial together..can go plaza sing with u all..can play with food tog wif theo..haiz..hopefully i'll be able to go sch tml..miss u all too much le.. hehe |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 09,August,2004 | jus came back from piano lesson..lesson was like..duh! din really practise during the week..plus busy and sick.. my teacher and i talked..den i told her about my eating habits..she say cannot dun eat..she say i thin liao..can see my jawbones clearly..den she say I'm like becoming anorexic...she say wanna complain to my mom..cos last time she in JC that time she got 2 friends anorexic..den admitted to hospital..one friend stay in hospital for 1 year..den repeat studies for 1 yr lor..haiz..duno wads happening to me also. oh ya..she tell her mom that I'm becoming anorexic..den auntie's reaction was like 'WHAT?? GOT PORRIDGE,GOT PORRIDGE! ASK HER TO EAT!!' Since fri, after I vomitted, I tried to eat..cos I only haven't been eating carbo for like 1 week...thats why vomitted when ate it..die la..fri and sat vomit..den yest and today diarrhoea..really can die one lor..I dun wanna be admitted to hospital..and i dun like to see doc..so I slowly lor..eat little by little.. after lesson, i went to buy chips ahoy..must eat mah..den when i reached tampines, i bought chicken flavor twisties..cos i left home in the morn with empty stomach..scared eat already wait diarrhoea..so dun eat..jus go out..cmi la.. my mom cooked noodle..i eat already now feel like vomitting..i need fruits!! really cannot make it le..die la.. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 08,August,2004 | so sian..yesterday still sick den slept early..den today i ignored the morn call wanwei gave me..continue sleeping..den woke up at 8+..skip piano..skip church..if i go out, sure die one.. haiz..tml den go for piano lor..but super long lesson la..end later instead of 11.30..nvm..still very irritated about tml outing thingy..gena ask me decide where i wanna go..so irritating..she plan the outing den might as well continue finish planning everything la..so indecisive..might as well dun go out..i dun mind not going out de..anyway she was the one who wanted to go out..she only good at suan-ing me only..nvm lor..want to suan den suan la..like i care liddat..can't be bothered. heck arh..gena only mah..as if i scared liddat...argh! really cmi la.. stay at home only can rot..i tried eating today..din vomit.but super bloated..mabbe cos of the ribena..wanna die liao..my last meal was at 10+am..but till now not hungry at all..i wanted to eat watermelon..but dropped it..there goes my fruit. i did math tutorial just now..just do lor..den tues during tutorial time mabbe can leave early.. i'm damn bored..wanna go shopping..but dun wanna spend $..i only know how to spend $ all the time...hopeless. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 07,August,2004 | gena planned outing on monday. she say wanna go out with me..haha..duno whether real or not. see la..den wan wei also going la..they wanna call zhimei along. den so irritating la..wanwei dun dare call zm cos she paisae..den duno why gena dun wanna call her oso.. keep asking me to call..rubbish la..damn irritating lor..they push this thing around for abt 1 week already. so damn irritating. since all refuse to call, for dunno wad reasons, then might as well dun go out. gena also keep pestering me to take neoprint. i dun want la. i must see mood de..waste money only..plus i this type of face sure spoil the whole photo..den wait the camera crack and all the wire burn(like happy tree friends).. aniwae, i not well yet lor..this morn still vomit. plus headache and giddy..aiya..wanna die liao lar..no cure le..sigh..then today i cant go yf..cos still vomit mah..den tml see how lor..should be going to church la..but got piano lesson tml..so sian..den monday also got piano lesson..so boring..10-11.30!! so darn long..if i fail this year's exam, i wun be surprised lor.. hmm...got family gathering on monday..wondering if i should go..i dun like to go family gatherings..rather go shopping or hang out with friends..gathering waste time only..den sure got food..den i dun wanna eat also kena forced to eat..make me fat only..but if mon i dun go gathering, den i can't sell the SP duno wad rubbish tickets.. everything is so rubbish..monday is holiday..den tuesday got school..but 9-6pm..die earlier only..damn la..got vb..boring..see the giggles only..den talk or write messages only she can't tahan..hahaha... |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 05,August,2004 | hmm..my parents left for malaysia last night..which means that i'll be FREE till they come home. Yesterday ah..i was sick lor..duno why also..mabbe lack carbo..havent been eating carbo for a few days. den in the morn i got bad headache followed by vomit. all green color de..guess it's bile..in the end i still went to school cos din wanna miss vb lesson. whole day was boring la. UWOS prac ended early. den we stayed in sch..see them play cards lor..addison sucks lor..i turn to other side jus cos din wanna see his face. but roy, jerren, lim and wilson also played la. see his 'hao se' face already can't tahan. wanna slap and whack. lim and i came up with the addison song. to the tune of 'Reflector'. not bad la..our first composition. damn..now i feel like vomiting again. gonna die soon. didn't go for ict club meeting at west coast. so early and so far. plus i'm sick. anyway, meeting theo, lim and duno who later. we going bugis. den go yf..but not all going yf.. only lim, me and theo. think mandy also going yf today.. hai..i gonna die le...really feel like vomiting. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 05,August,2004 | went to Jurong East for lunch today with lim,Roy,Theo,Wilson,Jerren. Theo and I din eat la..just had one bar plus fruits. today DBMS lesson v boring. but i was listening lor..when we went back to school that time, already so sian. must tahan the DBMS tutorial. class ended at 3pm today. theo and i went to BizIt library..wanted to print some stuff but all the computers were fully booked. den he teach me how to cook special stuff..we postponed the printing..went to foodcourt 6 buy fruits den went to TM. we walk and talk lor..den saw shirleen..after that saw lim. after a while den we walked to tp. theo meeting his fren mah..den i ask his fren how old i look..she say 17..first time pple say i look 17 lor..haha.. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 03,August,2004 | Doing VB prac now. so boring. so sian. can't recall what I'd learnt last week. irritating |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 02,August,2004 | Today we had bible study after school. Quite boring as had a long day. Everything was boring except DBMS prac. Priscilla asked a question in the bible study material: How do you confess your sin? I was very sleepy and bored, so an answer came to my mind. And of course, I shared my answer. See ah..to confess sin. Step 1: Commit a sin. Without a sin, how can you ever confess?? Step 2: Do some reflection about the sin. Step 3: Confess and you shall be forgiven. Common sense answer right? No sin, how to confess? So must commit a sin in order to confess. haha..nonsense la. I was very satisfied with my meals today. Didn't eat breakfast. Had one energy bar, two packet of watermelon, one packet of honeydew for lunch. And of course, sweets during lesson time. As usual. For dinner, I had one packet of hello panda, one kiwi and one green apple. Hope to lose more weight. No pain no loss. |
4,030,905 | female | 17 | Student | Aries | 01,August,2004 | Such a boring day. Woke up late then didn't go for piano lesson, didn't go for service. Just stayed at home to rot. Practise piano, eat, sleep, study..so boring rite? Actually got morning call..but I was too sleepy. Cos I didn't want to sleep yesterday, even though I was really really tired. Haven't been sleeping enough. But nvm..I got ways to keep myself awake just to sit through boring lectures. Half a can of coffee every morning before class starts will do the trick. So boring. There's school for me tml. so happy. Dun have to stay at home. Can see my friends and play and crap. hahaha.. |
4,198,080 | female | 23 | indUnk | Aquarius | 10,August,2004 | Well, I hate to start off no such a sour note, but things haven't been going so great with me lately and here's the dirty. Well, my job (I work as a Quality Assurance Tester) isn't that great, and they've been laying people off left and right at my job. I just found out today that this one guy got the axe a few weeks ago, but was told that his last day will be sometime in OCTOBER!!! Can you imagine being told that you aren't an asset to the corporation but that they want to hold on to you for two more months? I couldn't imagine it myself. Aside from that everything with my boyfriend and I aren't going that well. He just seems to never really hear me. He's always so defensive and he never wants to be wrong. He can say somethng that he doesn't like about me, but then when I say the littlest negative thing about him he's all defensive and saying 'oh why do you switch it and make me look like i'm the bad person?' Come on give me a break. I've seen him 5 times in the last three weeks, but he see's nothing wrong with that. I mean people that live in different states see there loved one more then I see mines. And then to add fuel to the fire I found out that I'm the victim of credit card fraud. I can't believe the asshole only left me with $20 on my credit card! Thank God I have others, and thank God I don't have to pay for what I didn't use. Then my girlfriend, whom I've known since High School, is having a baby so me, and two of her childhood friends along with her brother are throwing her a shower. Well, at least we thought that we were. My girlfriend sent us information about what she would like for her party, but one of the girls is taking matters into her own hands. She replied to my friends message telling her that she need to mention anything because WE have it covered. Then she sends out the so called 'Party Committee' an email, and here are some excerpt from it: 1.) Theme: 'Red. her favorite color and because it's a boy she and I decided the shower has a red theme. She just told me in an email red and white and now she is looking for yellow but since i am in charge of decorations, I fell confident we can stick to our original color theme. Id we have to use an additional color that's cool, no one shohuld break their necks but white on red NOT red on white, which is totally diffferent. ' I mean seriousl, I don't thin that the whole 'Red Theme' is suitable for a baby shower. I agree more with the yellow. There will be kids there as well, so I just think that it should be somethng that would appeal both to adult and children. It is a baby shower for crying out loud. 2.) 'We will have red theme drinks and decoration. no cartoon prints like Blues Clues, Disney, etc. for example, She likes this giraffe that is yellow with red spots (he id not famous, she just seen it somewhere). This baby shower has more of a sophisticated dinner party feel as opposesd to a traditional baby shower feel. We will have red roses as the center pieces instead of one of those baby shower things. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A SOPHISTICATED DINNER PARTY, we have to serve the people appetizers on trays. Am i playing servent for the night or what? Can i sit and enjoy the day with my friend? I don't understand why you want a dinner party instead of a baby shower and on top of that there's not DJ! We (the Party Commiteess that is) has to make a mix CD each! I mean why have a party committee if one person is making all the decisions? Well, on a better note, i'm sooo excited about this coming weekend. My girlfriends and I are going to Six flags. I haven't been out there since I was about 12, which has been to long. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 29,June,2004 | i was a weedy child. this wasn't so much an accident of physiology, more an unnecessary attempt by the world to fully cast me in the role of maths geek. of course, at that age i wasn't of a mind to worry; but eventually i decided that i was hideous. there is one particular family holiday where all the photos have me hiding in the shadows, for fear of nothing less than being seen. and then i grew up a little; and found out that whilst i would never be very well built, so to speak, i had quietly grown to a respectable height amongst my peers. i started putting more stock not in how i looked but how i carried myself; i started losing my clumsiness. and now whilst i'm still not much to look at, my body ususlly does what i ask of it, what i need it to. i got comfortable with myself, i accepted what i was never going to be. although i could never be a nudist, and for two very good reasons: i) the cold, and ii) my need for pockets. and did i mention, the cold? i generally have lots of things in my pockets; i find it is one of the better things about men's clothes: there is no 'line' to ruin, as such. so i feel if naturism was to become compulsory, i'd need some sort of utility belt. and a nipple piercing to stop me losing my keys, obviously, but firstly a utility belt. being naked is no excuse for not having a grappling hook handy... man, i'm tired. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 27,June,2004 | i have developed a pain in my chest that is quite worrying; whether it has arisen from an almost entirely carbohydrate-based diet or from over-stretching during an impromptu kata is unclear; the fact that it is making it harder to sleep is undeniable. although certain claims on my snoring would seem to indicate otherwise. add to this the effects of returning to training after an extended bout of laziness, and we have a recipe for why i am only just surfacing now to eat the chocolate muffin left for me. i hope the pain goes away; being the paranoid type is never easy at these times. also in light of the amount of dwontime i've been having; its a medical observation that the longer you stay in bed past the 'normal' eight hours or so, the greater your chances of having a stroke.... well, i think its funny. almost five months to the day of living here, i realise i do not own a can-opener. this can be interpreted as a good sign (i don't live off canned food), or a bad sign (i live on toast; toast doesn't come in cans). ah well. plans for today: call evil car hire firm call non-evil laura eat non-evil food pay evil credit card bill maybe even go outside the world is my (non-evil) lobster. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 27,June,2004 | i have been given a book to read, one that will 'change the way i think'. praise indeed; although i find that expectation often leads to a greater chance of disappointment. the inscription, however, is touching: 'neil, never forget just how awesome you are!' some days i don't feel so awesome. after drinking a mixture of lagers and the sweet tonic of white russian, the idea of toast is more appealing than during everyday life. and yet the night was set to get so much better than that: buttered toast.... and gravy. don't take my word for it; go and try it yourself! inebriation optional. we had to go to the shops for more bread because we ran out. more evidence that making do with what you have is more than just a way of living; it is essential for progress. the sun has temporarily graced us with its return, and the free-flowing air of outside this room is calling. also, i have a friend who (i suspect) may need help eating that tub of ice cream... hugs: squizzer toast and gravy gargantuan paul the postal service slaps: hay fever n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 24,June,2004 | (it is never good to start on a digression. however) a digression: you know those conversations that go something along these lines? -you're in a weird mood. -no i'm not. -yes you are, what's wrong? -i'm not in a weird mood! -don't shout at me! i hate those. so, to the point: patriotism. in specific reference to the england football team being knocked out of [whatever tournament it is that's on at the moment] this evening. it was an exciting match, but i'm glad that england lost. note i didn't say 'we'. and why? because those eleven men playing football out there aren't doing it for me; they don't know me, i don't know them, i didn't ask them to play football for me. in no way do they represent me, and certainly not as a result of them being from the same country as me. ergh. but i mustn't go on so. calm down. blogger food of the day: uncle ben's express rice. genius! it comes in a packet that stands up in your microwave, it takes two minutes, you don't have to refrigerate it, and its quite tasty. especially at one in the morning when you're all toasted out. hugs: alex and her talk of bra shopping uncle ben's express rice staplers (a bit random, i know, but they are cool, aren't they?) 'space raiders' crisps - ten pence? bargain! the manchester cow parade slaps: indigestion from eating toast and rice too quickly (sheesh...) and no, i'm *not* in a mood... n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 23,June,2004 | is getting up at five in the afternoon more acceptable if you went to bed at five in the morning? i hope so. the good thing about midsummer away from the equator is that the sky never really gets very dark, especially in the sodium orange pool of greater manchester. overcast, but never truly black. honesty breeds clarity; and some fairly frank discussions of ongoing problems [financial, motivational, female] leads simon to remark how happy he is to see 'how far i have come off the rails'. hmmm. i live to please. note 1: red wine consumption leads to hangovers. note 2: do not mix red wine with pimm's. note 3: or whisky. note 4: even if these are all you have. note 5: do not serve pimm's by the pint. the discussion of kung fu techniques that interlaced our drinking was quite illuminating; how shotokan karate shares similar traits with shaolin (not counter-intuitive, but enlightening to actually see in practice), and how multiple punch/block techniques are somewhat pointless. comparison of fighting distances reveals differences in philosophy. note 6: fairy lights look good on yucca plants. simon's plans to improve society are simple but ambitious: to take over the world as supreme dictator. he is currently looking for a hollowed-out volcano as a base for his evil empire, but no luck so far. as far as volcanos go, its just not geared up to the first time evil buyer. i mean, just graduated from evil university with all those evil student loans? its a bugger. note 7: its a bugger. good luck to squizzer, and to the barmypharmie for their pre-reg exams tomorrow. initial shopping list: flora milk bread other factors to consider: its, like, *so* raining, and, like, whatever. revised shopping list: (looks like popcorn for tea again) n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 23,June,2004 | we are drinking and talking of unrequited love. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 23,June,2004 | in a moment of clarity i looked up the tablature for 'tightrope', by the stone roses. a truly beautiful wonderful song, and one that i have every intention of playing at some point when the mysterious 'band' gets together. acoustic singalongs were never so cool: are we etched in stone, or just scratched in the sand waiting for the waves to come and reclaim the land? and then, in a moment of complete insanity, i looked up the tablature for 'good times', by the stone roses. why? delusions of adequacy, and nothing more. oh my good god, there is no way i will ever ever learn to play that. [aside: i probably could, but it would need to be a full-time job and i'm fairly sure no-one's going to pay me for that, alas.] i get as far as 0:26 and then its into the main riff and i've no space to fit all those notes in. it brings up the issue of 'the second coming', though, which is a vastly underrated album in my opinion. to have those two completely different songs next to each other and to have it work is an indication of something, even if five years is a long time to wait. definitely worth having; good summer guitar tunes. disregarding the rain, that is. interesting fact: on the set of '24 hour party people', i met the fake john squire - that is, the actor playing john squire in the film. and yet, he doesn't appear in the film at all. shame; he had good john squire hair. presumably left on the cutting room floor... n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 22,June,2004 | an incident yesterday when a girl i was talking to on messenger clicked 'accept' for webcam feed before realising that she wasn't actually wearing a top. her modesty (and my fun) was saved by an uncompromising norton pop-up that has increasingly more to answer for. ah well. the rain is as insistent as it is unwelcome, not to mention inappropriate for this time of year. good weather for the following: hot chocolate writing songs staying inside shaving okay, not shaving, but i do need to. also washing; where do all my pants go? it's a mystery. as this blog unfolds i'm sure my master plans (plural; what master plan would be complete without at least one foolproof contingency?) will become clear, but for now i must go and busy myself with the ongoing preliminary stages. that is, maybe have a biscuit and watch the tv for a while. hugs: themadnesshamster more to follow. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 22,June,2004 | whatever it is they put into freeze pops to make them those colours, there should be some sort of warning: may make your life a bit bizarre. and whilst giggling is good, one wonders if we would have found ourselves up that fire escape drinking beer in the fierce wind had we not been eating them earlier. finding ourselves in a doorway to a bar sadly closed for business, we stopped to examine an office-supplies catalogue that had arrived in the post. lucky we did. who could possibly have guessed that within these pages were the special offers of a lifetime? not i, for certain. i list but a few: buy 36 permanent marker pens, get a stunt kite. buy 30 lever arch files, get a barbecue. buy 600 plastic wallets, get a crate of diet coke. buy 3 boxes of pilot hi-techpont pens, get an inflatable basketball set. buy 4 boxes of manila envelopes, get a gazebo. a gazebo? the message here is clear: forget what you think you know, the world is far weirder than you thought. especially in the realm of office supplies. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 22,June,2004 | five in the afternoon is not a good time to be eating breakfast. that there is something wrong is not in question; what exactly that is is proving elusive. i'm fairly sure i wouldn't mind so much if my dreams were anything to write about, but they are mostly fairly horrible and occasionally, as was the case just now, end on a musical number featuring julie walters. further involvement with local politics - the disassembling and analysis of a certain incident of assault - has strengthened my conviction that people can 'knob off'; that is to say that being emotional has never been an excuse for being wrong. of course, the real crux of the issue is that one week after passing my second dan i missed the only real fight that's ever happened here. ah well. this blog is off to an interesting start; much more than the previous journal this is shaping up to be 'open', so much so that i may even tell people about it. radical, eh? hugs: the most important meal of the day lelia varieties of shower gel '1 comments' an absence of spam soluble coffee slaps: the need for washing the rolling on of days i don't like its raining some pieces [don't fit together] n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 21,June,2004 | hiya, i have some observations i'd like to share; like how sometimes it seems easier to go out of your way for people you don't know, and how once you start ignoring the 'phone it becomes easier and easier not to ever pick it up. in recent stealth missions i acquired a popcorn maker; a neat little device that is essentially a hair-drier with a funnel attached. the heat makes the air difficult to breathe in but the snacks are worth it, especially now with my newly-acquired bottle of maple syrup. keep refrigerated once opened. i hope some people have found me from my previous life; yes it's the same nmrboy that fled the collapse and resultant politics of [that] journal site. i hate politics. it seems that only those people that should never get into positions of power are the ones who want to run for election. other recent acquisitions: clothes horse fairy lights fairy liquid handwash microwave rice fruit bowl other types of bowl (not for fruit) cutlery desk lamp television table tea bags (240) coffee (5 jars) double lollies etc etc. let's hear it for 'pre-emptive recycling'; being a womble was never so much fun as when the undergraduates leave their halls of residence and decide they're too lazy to take everything with them. a gift today in the post; some cds and a charming card from a friend who recently stayed with me. a delightful girl whom i only met last sunday, but she needed a place to stay and what the heck! what i lack in judgement of character i make up in hope that, deep down, people are nice. how foolish! and so to bed. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 27,July,2004 | but solitaire is a lonely man's game. abstraction is a wonderful skill; it not only allows me to separate my higher functions and so see myself as 'i' (the notation becomes tricky) see other people, but also allows me to effectively ignore the world. other theories and observations that i intend to share are mainly statistical in nature; i am forever intrigued at the difference between the individual case and the ensemble outlook. so much of the world is chaotic; and yet the word itself defines the world as completely and rigorously deterministic. but even this is statistical; the macroscopic newtonian world is merely an ensemble of the quantum level, where chaos is replaced by true uncertainty. and yet things fall downwards; and they always will. bizarre. i am fascinated by the notion of bringing order from disorder; matt ridley is keen to point out that humans (and living creatures in general) are merely localised anomalies of order in a world overrun by entropy, and the second law of thermodynamics. i am reminded of the startling man lennart green, a card magician extraordinaire. this is a man that can have a deck of cards shuffled, and will then restore the entire order (suits and values) without you noticing. it is astounding; i saw him do it at a lecture once, and i was impressed. i learned the theory of how to do it; i was more impressed. this brings me to my favourite current way of wasting time: spider solitaire. here we have an unending supply of disorder, waiting to be ordered. and when you win, you click 'yes' and there are yet more cards to sort. lucky i'm not the obsessive type, eh? (bugger) still, the idea of patterns and order is one that i feel is worth exploring. it is my contention that we understand things simply because we recognise the patterns involved. this generally comes from experience - learning to 'see' by interpreting repeating patterns of light as 'objects', for example - and so when faced with the unrecognisable we want to understand the logic of the pattern. if we are able to recognise familiar patterns in everything then we understand everything, but only in terms of what we already knew. if we strive to form and learn new patterns with every new experience then we understand everything, but with nothing in relation to anything else. the true skill then is to recognise both the familiar and the familiar in anything new: what of this have i felt before? what of this have i never felt before? i am rambling. i shall leave you with a list, and then be off to play solitaire. staples in my stapler: 1 pictures of alex on my wall: 2 pieces my sunglasses are currently in: 4 pills left: 5 pictures of dido visible from where i am sat: 7 balloons on my desk: 12 n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 26,July,2004 | in my head, and in response to an email i received discussing the separation of beauty and personality, i have compiled a top five list of girls i have been most attracted to. this list was much harder to make, and i'm still only up to four. at present, and in alphabetical order, it runs: ceri charlotte chloe helen the crucial point, though, is that none of the previous list appear here. the above were all girls i have been lucky enough to get to know well, whereas the previous list is made up more of acquaintances (exceptions are my sister and caroline). i leave you to make your own conclusion: do the above people appear more attractive because i know them well, or did i get to know them well because i firstly found them attractive? do the two go hand in hand because you will get to know people more if their personality fits yours, and thus you will also tend to find them more attractive? disclaimer: i have no intention of upsetting anyone! i would be the first to concede that my opinions on many things are a little skewed; and i would urge anyone to remember that my notion of attractiveness is often in direct conflict with other people's. there is precisely no worldly advantage in being found attractive by me, unless you find me attractive in return. and how often does that happen? so anyway; today's scheduled laundry was postponed for the duration of 'the magnificent seven', a wonderful film that i force on unsuspecting people from time to time. whilst it will cast me out of certain circles i will have to confess to never having seen 'the seven samurai', although i do like the kurosawa i have seen. my favourite quote from the film is yul brynner's response to the idea that farmers tell their women that the gunslingers will rape them: 'well, we might. in my opinion, though, you could have given us the benefit of the doubt.' the dialogue throughout the film is brilliantly measured; i should like to write characters like that. maybe one day i shall. ongoing arguments with my mother struggle to keep within the boudaries of reason; she avoids the issue of whether she believes me (essentially anything i say, ever) despite my asking the question directly at least four times. i know the answer is no from everything else she says, but i still want to hear her say it. i can disprove all of her assumptions but she does not care for that. and in line with all the things my therapy is uncovering she demands of me that i suppress my own character. i have no desire to do that; maybe when i was young, but no more. when she starting telling me i didn't care i undoubtedly did, but these days my answer is tempered by the turbulence in my own mind over who i actually am. personality conflicts with conditioning; and the problem lies in that whatever shaped me has made me into someone who needs to question the validity of those implemented ideals. i cannot respect you if you lie to me, and i cannot trust you if you yourself do not recognise that you lie. like i say, ongoing issues. but apparently they aren't important. i should also like to apologise to anyone who overheard my attempt at playing the piano this evening. 'a long december' never sounded so long, i'm sure... n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 24,July,2004 | aside: you know you've done well with your lunch when the stacked sandwiches are as tall as they are wide... as i sit planning - yes, planning - what to write i am torn as to what my actual aim is; if i am diverting then that is more than good enough, but surely i have something more to share? to this end i will attempt, from time to time, to expound on some of the theories i have formed about how things work. if nothing else, it will be a useful insight to the way my mind works, and how i perceive the world. the first that comes to mind is 'leapfrogging buses', or 'how to not get infuriated on your way home'. more on that in a minute. hold your thumb and first finger out, very close together. now, without them touching, try to move them closer. closer still. yes? now, that is how close i was to buying a polaroid instamatic camera on thursday. i saw one (two, actually, but one appeared to date from the paeleolithic era and wouldn't have looked out of place with a pin-hole) in a charity shop, and spent a good five minutes toying with the idea. i've always wanted one, that i can remember; something about the self-containment appeals to me. but i didn't buy it in the end out of respect for my ever-dire financial situation (camera = cheap; film = expensive) and also the thought that i may be mistaken for someone taking 'candid' (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more squire) photos at home. a label i wouldn't mind so much if it was a remote possibility, but sadly not. today's list is of things that are not really fruit but can be classed as one of the day's five portions since they are healthy: a glass of milk vitamin supplement pill opening a window taking the stairs thinking about having some fruit its true; you know it is. leapfrogging buses: a theory. more of an observation, really. some simplifying assumptions: i) all buses travel the same route, at the same driving speed. ii) all passengers are travelling to the end of the line. iii) all distributions are normal. iv) there are no price/ticket considerations in choosing buses. v) all stops are the same duration. (these will be dismissed in turn, but to illustrate the idea i've started it as simple as possible) imagine there are people waiting for the bus at every stop. one bus travelling the route will stop at every stop to pick people up, and take a certain amount of time to do the run. this is obvious; but more interesting is if there are two buses travelling next to each other. assuming i) to be valid (as is the case on my way to/from work), people will signal for the first bus, which will stop. assuming ii) to be valid, the second bus will not stop and will overtake the first. the buses have now swapped positions, and will 'leapfrog' each other down the route, stopping at every other stop and thus completing the run faster. however, buses tend not to set off together; it makes no business sense. but, if iii) is valid then there will be a statistical variation on the number of people waiting for the bus at any stop at any time. in truth, the variation is not truly random but follows a certain pattern (rush hour, etc) with an amount of variation built-in. and if there is a variation, then we can say that v) is not valid. so; if we are to imagine there is, at a certain stop at a certain time, significantly more people than the mean number of people at any stop at any time(which is statistically very likely) then the solitary bus will be signalled and will have a long stop for everyone to board. this will delay that particular bus, and the next bus along the route will gain some time on it. a feedback loop is created: the first bus is taking longer to do the run since its stops are longer, this leads to a greater build-up of people at the following stops and will cause those stops to be longer also. the second bus may not encounter the same heavy numbers of passengers, and so will gain on the first bus, moreso as the first bus is continuing to make longer and longer stops. eventually, the second bus will catch up, and the two will begin to leapfrog. so we have leapfrogging buses; if these are running faster than a single bus would, then it is conceivable, is it not, that the two would eventually catch up with any single bus ahead on the same route? bingo! three buses in a row. assumption iv) need not be discussed heavily since people will either simply signal the first bus that comes along (which is statistically more likely to be a 'first' bus of a pre-leapfrogging pair), thus not affecting the leapfrogging behaviour, or will have a ticket for a certain bus company, which modifies the idea from being 'any bus' to 'buses of a certain company', treating each company separately. whilst assumption ii) is not valid in the general case, it does not affect the behaviour in the long run . also required is the possibility of there being no people waiting at the stop; all the possibilities of first bus/second bus stopping are thus: yes/yes: no distance/order change between buses yes/no : decrease in distance between buses, possible leapfrogging no/yes: increase in distance between buses, no leapfrogging no/no: no distance/order change between buses if all these occur randomly then their overall effect is that described earlier, to promote leapfrogging. and there we have it; my idea as to why (particularly at peak times where it is more likely that there are people at each stop) buses can bunch up in twos and threes. i have no idea if this has been postulated anywhere else; i certainly haven't looked for it. but do let me know what you think, or if i don't make sense somewhere, which is quite likely. anyhow, i'm making chop suey. excuse me. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 22,July,2004 | i leave the room for ten minutes, and when i come back the radio is playing 'club tropicana'. this sort of behavior must not be tolerated; i have urgently restored 'hate', by the delgados, to the cd player. hopefully the day can yet be recovered. the train company wrote to me again;they say they're very sorry my train was late setting off, late arriving, and was without lighting and heating for about a third of the journey. here, have three pounds. the thing that gets me is that they're not even doing it deliberately to make me laugh; they're actually serious. if i only had a car. oh, wait, i do have a car. i just can't afford the insurance. and why? because its about three times as much as the car is worth. without any no-claims bonuses, i can't afford the first year premiums, and thus will never get any no-claims bonuses. grr. and here's the thing: if you are insured, and you have a crash, they put your premiums up! its like they're saying 'ah, yes, well we didn't think you'd actually crash . we were just taking money off you; if you want to crash then that'll be extra.' from the bus today i saw anna; i was tempted to get off and run back to talk to her but i figured my life has enough complications, and anyway last time i saw her about three weeks ago we were on the same bus and i saw her and i think she saw me, but either she didn't recognise me or wanted to appear as if she didn't. i'm putting it down to my then outrageous hair; i have too many issues to explore the more likely scenarios. the five prettiest girls i have ever known (in some sort of particular order): my sister on her wedding day pink laura clare slater anna ball caroline rogers i make no claims on personality or overall attractiveness; just prettiness. it is worth noting that i have only been out with one of them (caroline, before anyone starts), and that whilst at one point i may have ended up sharing a house with laura i never actually knew her surname. it is also worth noting that they are all very lovely people, easy to get on with, and intelligent. i guess this goes to underline that it's nigh impossible to truly separate personality and prettiness. yes... (and also: naomi tan almost made the list. just so you know. i'm sure she's gutted.) man, the delgados rule. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 20,July,2004 | i love the british railway system; who else would write to you to let you know they are going to write to you? maybe i should write back: dear sir; thank you for your letter warning me of your impending letter; i was, however, startled to receive said advance letter without prior notice... i ask for the complaint forms with the tickets these days; it saves time. although maybe i'm just bitter that soon i won't be considered a 'young person', and will have to forge my railcard. is it just me or is there no way anyone in their right mind would ever consider paying the 'full' fare? i'd want a piece of the train for that amount; the seat at least. or a section of brake cable. yeah, that'd be cool. sittin' at home, me and my brake cable... anyway. also continuing to amuse me are the details on the back of some of my calvin and hobbes books: 'not for sale in the usa or canada. humour'. although my general intolerance of all but a few americans has been piqued recently with the arrival of 400 of their footballing children. not that i blame them for their general rudeness and arrogance per se ; when you talk to [most of] their coaches you can see where they are taking their example from. ah well. in other news, the pancakes of last night went very well, on account of good company, vanilla ice-cream and fair lashings of maple syrup. in my general non-presence of mind i neglected to buy the crate of beer i'd decided was essential, and had to fill the void with blue aftershock, which is, according to the prophecy, foul. but never mind; i can't help but think how the conversation may have turned to tripe otherwise, and i may never have postulated that the consistency of calamari lends itself to being a useful emergency scrunchy. my woody allen cd has arrived! and has much funniness contained; it still sounds fresh despite being recorded forty years ago. i find that people treat woody allen in the same way as karate (bear with me on this one); they seem to have formed an opinion without having actually sampled any first hand. and so my mission shall be to play woody allen to all my friends, and if they don't like it i'll kick them in the face. harsh, but fair. things i know a fair amount about but have never really actually properly seen: quantum dynamics weezer my mind the postal system spike milligan i have recently moved onto the next jar of 'liberated' coffee. i am reminded of urlLink simon , who used to be able to tell (i imagine he still can) what brand of coffee you gave him, with what milk and what type of sugar/sweetener. he didn't get out much. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 20,July,2004 | yeah, so i've been thinking a bit. but not typing. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 17,July,2004 | |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 16,July,2004 | i am wondering whether the inclusion of links to stuff would enhance or detract from this blog; that was one of the problems with my old journal. people started getting clever, and being clever is the original double-edged sword. given the choice between being a popular jumping-off point or an obscure idiosyncratic, i choose the latter. i always have. mind you, that's not to say you can't combine the two; i direct you to urlLink greg both as a good example of such, and as a hat-tipping to the guy who got me started here. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 14,July,2004 | oh, and i meant to say, everything's going to be alright. it really is. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 12,July,2004 | quotes of the day: 'there should be more good stuff, everywhere.' -riley 'you look like you've got more toes than i have.' -maria n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 12,July,2004 | let me introduce you to a place i've heard of; a place that does not exist. here, the rules of causality can be circumvented. consequence still follows action, but is no longer inextricably linked; the two can be separated. we can pay for our mistakes at our convenience, so as not to cause unnecessary suffering. imagine. i was first introduced to this place by a dear friend of mine, who uses a love story as illustration. i keep the details deliberately vague. a boy has been with a girl for many years, and meets another girl whilst living abroad and falls in love. but it is an unknown love; the love of a few months knowing someone. and the question becomes is the chance of this one new person being the 'one' (if there is such a thing; statistics dictate otherwise, but hey) worth the irrepairable damage that will undoubtedly happen to the existing relationship? his answer, as i think most people's would be, was no. but wouldn't you like to know? have the freedom to explore that possibility without having to hurt anyone? this is possible here. your mistakes are yours to make, and they will not inadvertantly destroy anyone else's happiness. like so many things; it probably wouldn't work, but its a nice thought experiment. on conditional love: i can't really be doing with it. i think i should rather be loved because i have earned that love; because i am worth being loved. my body and mind are a statistical genetic result, and as such it is an accident that i am 'me'. any number of different people could have resulted. even if conception is deliberate (as is not often the case), then to be 'contractually obliged' as a parent to love the offspring regardless of their character is absolving the child of the responsibility to try to be a decent person, and absolving the parents of the responsibility to try and raise the child to be so. a responsibility i believe everyone should have: to try, at least. it is my noblest and most human characteristic that i do not consider myself to be 'enough', this is the only thing that ever pushes me to be more than i was, than i am. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 12,July,2004 | there is a sign in the window of the local hairdressers that says 'models required'. firstly, it occurred to me to respond to the advert; surely there is money to be made for a young lad with a passable face and a willingness to submit his hair to the whim of fashion? and then secondly, i had a much better idea: i shall hang my own of these notices in my window, and see what comes of it. models wanted. actually, it isn't true. i am so much more content with real people, capable of conversing and, where necessary, cutting me down. girls with charm are welcome, models need not apply. i just liked the thought of it, that's all. i am watching films recommended to me by my therapist. i am intrigued to know what his aim is, and what my reaction will be. a historical note: 'interesting' was the last word i ever said to charlotte. i do not recall who hung up immediately after. even as i lay dying i am certain the experience will fascinate me. my epitaph, already planned (and which i fully allow anyone to use, if they wish), will read: 'that was interesting'. in my lifei have been guilty of many things, and innocent of many also. my wonder at the world is matched easily by my cynicism, and yet the one ever-persistent feature is fascination with the sensation of living. it is fair to say i have never felt anything like it. recently spending time with ceri reminds me of the fervour with which she embraces life, and the way with her i couldn't help but do the same. i try to remember that when the time requires it. a downbeat post; my apologies. and it started so well. i often find that this is the way things happen. although, to be fair, often the other way too. how interesting. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 10,July,2004 | seriously. don't get me started. seriously. well look, it's like this. i find haircuts traumatic; possibly moreso than most things in my life. if that sounds odd, consider this. i have never - ever - in my life received a haircut that i was happy with. content, even. not one. ever. i am twenty five; having been alive for a quarter of a century, how many haircuts do you suppose i have had? how many have you had? i haven't liked a single one of them. not one. let me elaborate. haircuts are traumatic before you get anywhere near the hairdressers; it begins with people starting to tell you to get your hair cut, or more likely just making snide comments at the expansiveness of your mane. so then you decide to get it cut, and things get serious. what cut do you want? how do you want to appear to the rest of the world? i hate the idea of stepping out of the shop and declaring 'yes, i paid money to look this specific way'. and why do i hate that idea? i pay money to dress the way i do, to go the places i do, so what's the difference? ah, good question, and the answer is one of life's little secrets: hairdressers never do what you ask them to. they only ever do *what they were going to anyway*. it makes no matter what you say to them, you will only ever leave the shop when *they* are happy that you look like they want you to. we are helpless; once our hair is cut from our heads gravity takes over, and we never get it back. we are at the mercy of the hairdresser; someone, you'll note, who invariably has hair that you personally wouldn't be seen dead with. strange, that, eh? yes its true, whatever you ask for you're leaving looking 'trendy'. or even worse, as happened to me last time: having an interview the next day i asked to look 'sensible'. i actually came out looking 'like i was in the marines'. tossers. (hairdressers, not the marines...) and then, of course, we do the quitenessentially british thing of remarking 'oh, yes, that's fine, thank you' when asked if the cut is alright. and then: we *pay* them, when we would rather stab them in the eye with a fork. grrrr. is it a thing with hairdressers that given their job is to cut hair, they just keep going well past the point they should stop? when i get my hair cut i indicate how much i would like taken off, and then they generally confirm by doing the hair-through-the-fingers thing. i become optimistic; they have obviously understood. so then they cut the right amount off all over my head, and i am content. and then, for no reason that i can gather other than perhaps making more work for themselves, they *do it all again*. and again. i cannot adequately describe how genuinely depressed i get after going to the hairdressers. i sit there as they cut, and with every snip i can't help but think 'well, there goes another four weeks dedicated hair-growing'. and then i leave, and my neck gets cold. i hate it so much. when i graduated, i paid a lot of money for a 'special graduation haircut', my attempt at ensuring looking nice for posterity. i went to town (literally, not figuratively, although i suppose the phrase came from somewhere). i made an appointment. i paid double the price i would normally expect. i hated it. i could have saved the extra money; i could have bought a pizza. sheesh. even talking about it makes me sad and angry. maybe i should refuse to pay. maybe i should start out by explaining exactly what i want, and letting them know i intend not to pay if they cut my hair too short. they always cut my hair too short. maybe i should stop them half way through. i knew i should have cut it myself. i knew it i knew it i knew it. i hate the hairdressers. i really do. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 09,July,2004 | no toaster? let nature do all the hard work! a nice crispiness to bread can be achieved by simply placing the bread on a plate out in the open for several hours before consumption. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 08,July,2004 | (more of these as i think of them) i) have a shower really late at night, wash your hair. ii) whilst your hair is wet, create an unusual/daring style. iii) do not dry your hair. iv) go immediately to bed. guaranteed to add a little spice to your life. happy birthday to me. thanks to people who have sent their regards. in a frenzy (albeit it a decidedly lethargic one) of online decadence and visits to charity shops i am now the proud owner of: ash - meltdown the charlatans - up at the lake woody allen - stand up comic red hot chili peppers - californication s club 7 - sunshine host - feel cheap/letter x huzzah! and yet there is a warning in today; feeling happy this morning i forgot to take the pill (obviously, not 'the pill', but 'the pill [i am supposed to take]'. sheesh). n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 07,July,2004 | and then you keep waiting. of the two main bus companies that operate the route i use, i recently changed allegiances on the grounds of a cheaper weekly ticket and the observation that there seems to be more of that type of bus. and now i have changed? i am beginning to notice that the relative numbers of buses has radically changed. today i watched four buses of the other company roll past, and then on another occasion three, before one i could use came by. but the real killer? coming back from my old flat today, a total of nine (count 'em! nine) buses came past* before one i could use. but it was sunny, and i was in no hurry to get to the lab.... a time-differential theory of beauty: i will only decide whether someone is attractive once i have seen how they move. question: why does the graduate recruitment bureau send me emails exclusively in the middle of the night? is the careers office staffed by vampires? or worse, accountants? tidying my desk at work in the next stage in my master plan ('get a phd you stupid git'); removing all those silly things i'd accumulated that wasted the space on my shelves, space that will be necessary for organising things like references and notebooks and spectra and things-that-i-don't-know-what-they-are-but-i-figure-i'd-better-not-throw-them-away-in-case-they-turn-out-to-be-important. a list of things i brought home today, then: picture frame (empty) box of diskettes (including the soft copy of my play, and xenon 2) stuffed 'the brain' toy payslip (october '03) calvin and hobbes book photo album (empty) postcards (including one of paris, one of spiderman) shotokan kata book modelling balloons (half packet) sunglasses (not trendy) delving into my finances reveals that barclaycard are not evil, my apologies barclaycard. i shall feed you hundreds of pounds forthwith. is astroturf eaten by astrocows? n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 06,July,2004 | you misread a product advertisment saying 'acid free' as 'free acid'. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 06,July,2004 | of all the foodstuffs not recommended for the just-before-bedtime slot, cheese with chilli sauce has probably got to feature somewhere near the top. and yet, i slept well enough not to remember my dreams. which might be a good thing seeing as they would likely have included ghost badgers and mott the hoople. the new me has a newly tidy desk, it is a happy me that sits to write with a cup of herbal tea and mott the hoople. i am hoping to receive notification today that barclaycard are evil, and that they owe me two hundred pounds. otherwise, buying food could be a problem. i am hoping to receive an apology and some freebies from ariel, since their washing tablets refuse to remove mud from my gi. i am also hoping to receive birthday cards that contain thousands of pounds, but i figure this is unlikely. i'll settle for love. cds i need to buy: ash - meltdown red hot chili peppers - blood sugar sex magik jeff buckley - grace nick drake - five leaves left maroon 5 - songs about jane mercury rev - all is dream muse - absolution and so many others, after looking at si's collection. damn those with disposable income. food i went to buy yesterday: milk and bread actual cost of what i bought: £9.87 hmmm. and onwards. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 06,July,2004 | the loan adverts that are currently plaguing the television annoy me; i have begun to see the pattern they follow: i) having trouble paying bills? ii) problems getting loans elsewhere? iii) reduce your monthly payments! iv) take your family on holiday, or buy a new kitchen! v) call now. stripped down, this essentially becomes: having trouble coping? ignore it! this is a strategy i am familiar with. the flaw is a basic one: if you're having trouble with bills and the such; stop taking loans out! loans = more to pay back. it has to; otherwise how does it work, and why are there so many companies offering it? the rationale is bizarre, and only works because of fear. this is, essentially, the hard sell, in our own homes. i don't want to play any more. recent ringtones that surprised: scotland the brave. time spent down in london village at the weekend have lent some direction to my current thoughts; advice and consultation with old and older friends is refreshing. i've needed to get out of this head for a while; fortunately, pimm's in the backyard sunshine are a good help to getting out of your head. the gathering became the party, the party became the barbecue, and the barbecue eventually gave way to an impromptu concert of irish folk and the schubert. happy birthday, si. which brings me to my own impending quarter century, which promises to bring with it nothing special. more age; i already have all i want. so far my years of adult life have offered no indication of a stable and/or happy life to come; i am no closer to a decision about what any of this means. i am continually grateful of those that have given me their time, but i am always scared they will (in the end) decide it wasn't worth it. [insert oblique reference to failed relationships of the past] more positive notes regard my apparent optimism in the face of the things that bring me down. i am recognising the patterns. there are always patterns. i no longer resent the light that brings the sun at its centre so maybe the drugs are working, and now it is time to ask myself to do the same. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 17,August,2004 | if lack of sleep leads to an involuntary lowering of defences, then therapy this morning indirectly benefitted. i was (quote) more open (unquote) than i have ever been before; whether this is also related to the subject matter (relationships past) is open for further thought. then to the charity shops, where i am dismayed to find oxfam is currently re-shelving its book section, but cheered to find the following tucked away in cancer research uk: the illustrated woody allen reader - woody allen the essential difference - simon baron-cohen the meaning of it all - richard feynman any of these, after paul auster, will be light relief. and then to the shops to spend another fortune on ready meals and oranges. food parcels gladly accepted as long as they contain no curry or citrus fruit. and to close, a note from today's horoscope: 'if you want something, get out there and get your hands on it.' you have been warned! n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 16,August,2004 | prozac does not work. go figure. there have been incidents recently that have cheered me (you know who you are) and infuriated me (you know damn well who you are), but i can't help but wonder if that would have happened anyway. the worst is not really knowing; its been a few months now and i thought i had improved a little, but now i'm not so sure. if my mood is changeable anyway, then surely we need some sort of definite correlation between times of medication and times of better living? i'm a scientist, dammit; i need proof. i may ask to come off the pills at my next review; perhaps risky, but perhaps not. in my quieter moments i wonder what i have to lose. this sounds terrible; and i must apologise to those who have recently made me so glad to be alive, and to those who will worry needlessly. but there have been certain words and actions, the effects of which i have understated, that have thrown me into confusion again. and worse, i am no longer sure of even recording these thoughts here for fear of the audience i have become aware of. a sad thing, to live in fear; to take another's game so seriously. i did what you asked, i would have hoped that would be enough. i am curious to know what you were thinking, and i am almost sure i'm entitled to an explanation. i think i could maybe ask, but consider this: you so often have proved me wrong in what i think, the question regrettably becomes more complicated. you think i overreact; i am amazed i am so calm. if something doesn't matter to you then you must concede you are probably the poorer judge of how it should be handled? the morning is well upon me. i think i will go and have a conversation with the memory of you before sleep and daylight successively save me. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 16,August,2004 | i have cracked spider solitaire. last week i came up with a method of defeating it, and i haven't lost a game since. some are taking a long time and are decidely tricky, but i've completed every single one. now, everyone knows i normally only do the medium difficulty one, but today i tried a game on the hard setting. i completed it. convinced? i guess the first thing to note is that unlike conventional solitaire, every frame can be beaten . an obvious statement, perhaps, but important, i think. i developed the idea on the two-suit variety, and i haven't done it rigorously, but i hope you'll get the idea. general principles, then. i) always keep a spare cell when you can. this is the most useful space since anything can be put there. always work to be making a new spare cell; the more the better. ii) keep a track on colour (or suit) changes; the less, the better. always use a spare cell to swap out matching suits if you can. before a new row fill the spare cells to give lesser numbers of changes in the board. iii) clean runs of the same suit can be treated as a single card; runs of different suits are therefore broken down into that many single cards. iv) if you have many of one card value, then try to keep them exposed as little as possible by not moving non-running cards on top of them. v) using two free spaces, simple runs of different suits can be moved using the urlLink tower of hanoi principle. vi) completing a suit and removing it can never be a bad thing since it does not alter the ratio of unmatched 'useful' and 'unuseful' cards. vii) stacking up suit-changing runs isn't a bad thing; it helps to free spare cells which are more useful in the end. it is common (on the medium setting) to be able to complete two suits before needing the first new row using this idea. but, most importantly, and the key to the whole issue, is that you have to remove the element of chance from the game. if you rely on luck, there is a good chance you will be beaten. if you want to beat the game every time you have to sacrifice the honour of playing an honest game. (it is up to you whether you consider this worthwhile, or 'in the spirit of the game'; i started doing it to investigate whether each frame is possible. it is possible that each frame is possible in a number of ways, but i'm not sure how to show this). i call this 'the riley method'; and basically it means being ruthless, and never giving up. the key to this is the 'undo' function. if something doesn't look like its working out, go back. try something else. you can undo back to the last suit-removal or new row, and often you'll need to try a few different approaches. mostly, the objective is to complete another suit, but beware that this can scupper you if you've filled all the spare cells, so be careful. overall, then, i can't say this will guarantee you success. i've been playing cards since i was little and i've built up a good understanding of cardplay, and i have a fairly mathematical brain to start with. but i thought i'd mention it; if only to explain what i've been doing with my time. i'd be interested to hear any comments anyone has; and again i haven't looked to see if anyone has written about this before, i prefer working the puzzle myself. list of puzzles i that i looked up the answer for: urlLink the morris sequence (my favourite sequence puzzle ever) urlLink rubik's clock (well, lee dicks told me because he's an arrogant bastard but i'd showed no signs of getting the answer myself) there are probably others. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 12,August,2004 | an interesting weekend. no, let me put it differently. a great weekend. an outstanding weekend. made so by the presence of a certain scouser that has been decidedly missing from my life of late. whilst the reunion wasn't everything i'd hoped for, i do concede that sometimes clothes are necessary... a trip to liverpool brings back many memories, all of them good, and adds many more besides. promises to go again soon are much less than idle, i assure you. returning to manchester on saturday with alex in hand, so to speak, we are able to catch up on months of pointless chattering, which is always good. having to fulfil a promise i made a long time ago (under duress, i'm sure), i dug out the magic box and did some tricks; the reaction i got makes me wonder why i ever gave it up. well, maybe i didn't, really. just a change of emphasis. i couldn't help but be amused that the patter was all still there in my head; maybe my childhood wasn't so wasted after all. some of the shows we did! completely daft, but they've got to be some of my favourite times. those days we were indestructible; we could do anything, so we did. not such a bad way of living. they say that you can have too much of a good thing, and the takeaway pizza almost had the better of me, but i outwitted it in the end. with the intention of getting horrendously drunk we then proceeded to get dressed for the night out; i put some shoes on, whilst maria and alex proceeded to try everything on twice, straighten their hair (i idly did a bit of my fringe but succeeded only in looking like i was from urlLink franz ferdinand ), put contact lenses in, and lord knows what else (i wasn't allowed in the room, no matter how nicely i asked). turns out that the two of them are exactly the same size in clothes, which is both convenient and a little worrying. apparently they got ready in remarkably quick time. apparently. any concerns i had about it getting too late for us to become entirely inebriated were soon put to rest with our arrival at urlLink kro bar , where we swiftly ordered the strawberry beer we'd been looking forward to. finding ceri and some assorted chemists also at the bar was a bonus, and with the addition of gargantuan paul made a decent eight. and there we stayed until closing, whereupon we sauntered to the inestimably groovy big hands. ceri's admirable figure and sharp eyes getting us entry discount and a table respectively, it all worked out very well indeed. as we proceeded to drink and shoot the distinct lack of breeze, and on the promise of some frankly lewd behaviour (yet to materialise; i should have got it written down, dammit) i repeated the elastic band trick a couple of times. the principle of never repating a trick can be bent slightly with the addition of alcohol, i find. discussions of kung fu and swaying to the sounds of urlLink manu chao give way to me being told that i am gay 'because i know cat's cradle'. hmmm, and you think they'd be impressed that you could do it with elastic bands. and so, into the night air, and bus rides addressing urgent questions: are we going to bed now, or are we not? not. instead we are to go to maria's to collect wine (and for paul to steal stella from the fridge, leaving four pounds and the note 'have nicked your stella, buy yourself a palace') and to go 'ssssh!' very loudly, before back to mine to talk about... erm... well anyway, it was good. sunday morning is true studenthood; a rota system was set up for maria, alex and i to use the shower, the single bowl, and single mug. the idea of simply sharing each one in turn was mooted; but optimism is a good thing, y'know? being thoroughly exhausted and all resting on the single bed together, the look on greg's face when he came to knock on the window was priceless. 'this never happens in my room!' he says, mock-seriously. i feel no compulsion to explain the decidedly less exciting truth of the matter; i just smile and leave the illusion. that's showbiz. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 12,August,2004 | well now. please excuse my absence, and also the fact that in the near future i may not be around so much. there was this thing, you see, and there was an issue, and so we all moved and we're not there any more. and i'm so tired of running around being responsible that i shan't say much more. urlLink greg , less uprooted than myself, has written an account of the last couple of days. all i shall say is: no internet connection is losing, secretly stealing illegal mini-fridge for personal use is winning. in other news i now have my mouse up and running, and it is lovely. i am also considering buying an inexpensive digital camera to supplement this here site with illustrations of exactly what the hell i'm talking about. you have been warned. on monday night, as i lay awake before the onslaught of the day to come and during the onslaught of the rain which surely played its part, i got to thinking of a story from my past that i should like to share. the reason i thought of it was my (by now usual) insomnia, and all those fruitless efforts people make to try to sleep when their body (albeit ready to drop) is having none of it. secondary school; before i gave up my childish dreams of doing something i wanted in life, i took a GCSE in drama. part of this course was taken by a large, somewhat sweaty man called george cockroft, who looked not a little like urlLink john mccririck . which, thinking back, is a bit weird. i liked him a lot; he was an intelligent man who (for all i know on the subject) taught us well. but there is one lesson that still stays with me: in the drama studio (a big room that could be blacked out, essentially) one time he had the entire class of around twenty five lay flat on our backs, completely relaxed, whilst all the lights were turned out. and as we lasy there in the dark (the giggling subsided eventually) he began to talk to us, taking us through a systematic relaxation of our bodies. it was amazing; i think over half of us fell asleep, and the rest of us had never been so still. i still use the same technique today; and with discipline, it works. at the end of the fifth year, when we had taken our exams and all was done, mr cockroft was leaving the school. and i remember one day (it may have been sports day), a beautifully sunny day, being outside on the field and having a brief talk with him. i imagine i said something like how much i'd enjoyed the drama course, and doing the plays, and the such. i imagine he said something like he was glad i'd enjoyed it, etc. and then i said something like 'so, i'm not sure when i'll see you again', and i remember him looking at me in a mysterious, almost mischievious way (this man was about fifty-five, i reckon), and saying 'oh, i think it'll be sooner than you think...' i never saw him again. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 09,August,2004 | the humidity of recent days has lead to increased insomnia, but has also lead to the first five minutes of returning home into a game of how fast the vast majority of my clothes can be removed. right now i am wearing only the shorts that earned me the name of 'chicken legs' earlier this year. maybe it is something about this room that tends the occupant towards nudity? but i have done well today; visiting town for the briefest time i have bought a mouse for purely rational. as much as i like the trackpad, it is time for seriousness. seriosity, if you will. serioucism? anyway; the online delivery charge of 30% of the mouse's worth causing the trip to town, i was pleased to quickly find the one i wanted on the shelf. in a cylindrical-type packaging, admittedly very fetching, there was no information as to whether the software is on cd or diskette. i asked the man in the shop 'is the software on cd for this mouse?'. i held up the mouse i meant. 'oh yes', he said. let me tell you now, he is a lying swine. so now i have no immediate way of loading my mouse driver. purely rational has no floppy drive ( it is a laptop of the future , and besides i couldn't be bothered to pay for an extrenal drive). my old laptop does have a floppy drive, but it doesn't have a cd burner. nor does it have a modem or network plug. or usb ports. (it is a laptop of the past , and besides, it was free). in fact, of their 26 assorted ports and things, there is no way whatsoever that i can make the two machines talk to each other in the way i would like without buying some extra (read: 'expensive') hardware. shocking. anyway, i've arranged for it to be done now. but ergh, it annoys me. i might write a snotty letter to dixons (no link because they are evil evil lying swine, although they offer cordless optical mice at affordable prices) and hope they send me urlLink something cool . new cd: welcome interstate managers, by fountains of wayne. very good. stopping by the supermarket on the way home to spend a fortune (£14) on my continued survival, it is interesting to note the hastily-erected shelving selling umbrellas. in august? sheesh. i pick up some essentials (bread, milk), some healthy things (oranges, tomatoes), and some random bits (stir-fry sauce, biscuits). i have recently taken to swiss-style meusli, that is to say meusli with raisins, nuts, and no extreme political views. i resent paying over urlLink 50p for a loaf of bread; sure it tastes nicer but seeing as i never get through a loaf fast enough to avoid throwing the last three or four slices away (as i did this morning). i am now trying 'stays fresher longer' bread, 44p. i have high hopes; except i have doubt about the grammar. shouldn't it be 'stays fresh longer', or just 'stays fresher'? or am i too worried about my bread? the last thing to mention today is the post office; and some interesting distinctions in the british postal service. i am sending a friend a cd, and i am enclosing a brief letter with it. if i send it as a 'small package', it is cheaper than sending it letter-rate. imagine you are sending someone a book; if you send it on its own it is a small package and can be sent (relatively) cheaply. if, however, you enclose a 'letter' with it, then as far as the post office is concerned the entire weight of the parcel is your letter, and you are charged accordingly. but what constitutes a 'letter'? for the small package rate you are allowed to enclose a brief letter which references only the item you are sending. so, if you write 'dear jeff, here is the copy of three men in a boat i promised, hope you enjoy it' then no problem. but write 'dear jeff, here is the copy of three men in a boat i promised, hope you enjoy it. little malcolm fell off his bike yesterday...' then pow! you have just (according to the postal service) written a comic novel. so if they ask you if there's a letter inside when you're at the counter, you know what to say. and you too can make sure you're sending things as cheaply as possible, even if it does mean you have to write (as i do) 'small package' on everything you send... nmrboy's currently favoured dinner: pasta (enough for 2, cooked) cheese (small cubes of) cooked ham (diced) tomato (1, raw, chopped) olive oil ( extra virgin, whatever that means) basil (not a siberian hamster) all mixed round together, serve hot and frequently. food = good; or at least its the most similar word you can form with a standard 'qwerty' keyboard. coincidence? well, probably... n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 08,August,2004 | a slow day; getting things done like cutting your toenails tend not to count as truly productive, they are to the working day as shampoo is to the shopping list: something that occasionally has to be done, but more of an imposition than anything else. thesis word count: 650 like i say, a slow day. but, i have been having some fairly interesting thinks. i mean thoughts. i) truth: if everything we know or learn is (necessarily) brought to us by our own perception, then it doesn't matter whether there is any absolute truth because we will never know it. ii) labels: labels on relationships only serve to give rise to expectations of certain behaviour; expectations drawn from the media, demographic ensembles and hearsay that can never realistcally be matched by any random (that is to say non-specific) individual. this mis-matching of expectation with reality (regardless of how perfect the reality) leads to disappointment and eventually conflict. the need to categorise things is an outward desire, and serves no purpose to the individuals involved, who will tend to know what's going on. the driving force is to have a neat labelled pigeon-hole-type box for the relationship that others will understand with the minimum of explanation; but if every relationship (an analogue quantity if every there was one) is forced into one of any number of discrete boxes (digital classification) then the fit will never ne perfect (analogue-to-digitl conversion, and information is irrevocably lost). its just laziness , that's all. pisses me off that people can break up over such an unnecessary thing. iii) gravy boats and gravy trains. no gravy planes. iv) language: when was the last time anyone described themselves to you as 'hot' or 'cold', instead of 'really hot' or 'really cold' (or the like)? language is something that people invented, and yet they don't use it properly? if words have definitions, and we can invent new words with appropriate definitions as needs be, then why isn't language sufficient to expess what we want to say? and if it is sufficient, then why don't we use it properly? this follows a conversation i had recently, which went roughly as follows: ros: i guess that depends on what you mean by 'happy'. guil: the oxford english dictionary defines it as 'feeling or showing pleasure or contentment'. ros: yeah, well i wouldn't define it that way. anyone else find that amusing/frustrating? mind you, to get technical, i guess it depends how you define 'definition'. or something. enough thoughts! i should get out more. v) i should get out more. todays's list is of synonyms for 'list': bank careen heel incline lean slant slope tilt tip n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 05,August,2004 | terrestrial british television is currently enjoying the simultaneous playing of great films: 2 has pulp fiction, 3 has unbreakable, and 4 has the shawshank redemption. we shall say nothing of red heat on 1, or the over-stylised american cop series on 5. i hate moths. and wasps and flies and all those buzzy things that annoy me late at night. they fully deserve my attacking them with my bokken , oh yes. a very serious thing has happened; today i realised that urlLink charlotte 's birthday has passed without my noticing. an indication of something? a milestone? perhaps neither, but certainly noteworthy. happy birthday, charlie. the time has come to abandon my life in favour of what i must do. my friends, the phd has begun. not an auspicious start, it being four months or so too late, but it has begun all the same. i shall keep you updated. unfortunately, it will mean less time for finding bizarre but wonderful things like urlLink this , but that is the price i must pay. for all the analysis is helping me understand my own mind and those of others, it is worthy to note that the solution of problems still comes down to just 'getting on with it'. thesis word count: 404 more to come. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 05,August,2004 | it seems that i am a difficult person to get hold of; or so i have been recently told by more than a couple of people. the main downside to (gasp) not having a mobile telephone was brought back to me today when it transpires that my best friend tried to call last night, and i wasn't around. unfortunate rather than malicious, but i'm still a little sad about it. especially since i was erely over in the common room, chain-watching buffy the vampire slayer until three in the morning. sorry, chief. and as to the advice i can give you? its all guesswork, i'm afraid. there is no greater mystery than the intricacies of urlLink women . commenting on the heat (32 degrees! and not fahrenheit, you picky lot) in his office, he notes that he is becoming the incredible sweating man; and between us we decide that this would make a better arch-nemesis than super-hero. homeostasis as a way of fighting crime? hmm... and yes, i measaured the bread. but i only did it roughly (to establish its non-squareyness), since presumably there is a variation in each slice, and trying to find the mean and standard deviation would just be silly. no, really. and what was the greatest thing before sliced bread? and when they made the first sliced loaf, did it have an even number of slices so making sandwiches was more convenient? what would they do with the last slice? and were the sparrows fatter? all important questions, i'm sure you'll agree. also catching my eye just yesterday was the notices around the lake (i use the word loosely) in our nearby park; reading danger: deep water, and danger: thin ice. now surely thin ice is only a danger because of the deep water beneath it? well, i suppose you could slip over, but i'm not sure that's what the sign is getting at. surely the sign should read: danger: deep water danger: thin ice danger: gravity i think this could also be applied to other situations: danger: cliff face danger: gravity danger: sharp bend danger: newton's urlLink first law of motion you get the idea. i will undoubtedly have something else to say at some point; but for now, i think tea and toast is the way forward. breakfast is, after all, the most important meal of the day. that's why i have it three times a day. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 04,August,2004 | but before we start: urlLink http://www.bewitched.com/m/ urlLink http://www.turbulence.org/Works/song/ things that have distracted me today are things that claim to be things they are not: mansize kleenex (294 mm x 272 mm) sony walkman (inanimate) 'amazing shine' hair wax (moderately impressive at best) B&G no. 1 picture hook (quantity: 8) clothes horse (demonstrably not a horse) kingsmill square bread (120 mm x 110 mm) hotmail - 'more useful every day' n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 03,August,2004 | night is the worst; its when i wander more, when sounds seem louder, and when i still find time to talk to her memory. she is gone, appropriately through time (4 years? 5?) and space (some hundred miles, sometimes thousands), and yet the closest i get to someone understanding me at these times is to imagine her still here. aside: i suppose sounds seem louder at night due to a simple comparison with other noise present, ie there is less background at night. the same way the moon seems larger when it is close to the horizon, for direct comparison with everyday objects? i think too much. see? night is the worst. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 03,August,2004 | what an entertaining morning! after the insights of therapy and the delight of having already had a shower (joy!), i headed off to the shortest film festival in the world (...ever!). this is run by the people at urlLink nokia who want you to buy their 'phones, and are selling them on the basis of their movie-making features. there are nine films, and all are less than fifteen seconds long. intriguing, yes? you can watch them on that link, if you like, but i nipped down to a local cinema to watch them on the big (ish) screen: a cinema with a small bench seat, the whole thing measuring 2 cubic metres. my favourite is, i think, 'the divorce', by a matt bloom. check it out. more important though, and something i'm taking as some sort of sign, was one of the girls manning the booth was absolutely stunning; a becky jago-alike if ever i saw one. i'm tempted to go back. with a camera. and a better hairstyle. this sets me thinking about beauty again; clearly an important subject in my head. how can the simple existance of someone as pretty as [should have asked her name, dammit] cheer me up for the day? we shared nothing except the most trivial of conversation. what is at work here? most curious. what is worst of all is that on account of her face (okay, teeth mainly. and nice eyes.) i am actually going to go to the website to enter the competition to win the damn 'phone! i am being manipulated by someone, and what annoys me is that its probably me. on the way home i stopped off at the charity shops and managed to pick up the new york trilogy, by paul auster (i can hear a certain urlLink grey kitty meowing at that one), for a mere one english pound and forty-nine pennies. i liked 'the invention of solitude', so i have high hopes (although not for happy endings....). in the same shop i also bought something eponymous by 'the for carnation' whom i have never heard of. a six track cd, with each track lasting over five and a half minutes, it will surely be value for money. what tipped the scales, however, was the tiny sleeve note announcing vocals on one of the tracks by a certain rachel haden, of urlLink that dog fame. fame? oh, alright then, but she's done backing vocals with urlLink weezer and jimmy eat world, and that's good enough for me. other news is that the solid block of sugar that has been threatening to fall out of my sugar tin finally did so into one the most enjoyable cups of coffee i've had in a while, i am almost out of maple syrup on account of eating popcorn for most meals, and i have been thinking about happiness some more. a hello to cathy; who can be beaten at minesweeper but is yet to crumble under the onslaught of my charm offensive. her hopes of having a starring role in this entry were scuppered by an unfortunate typo, and so now she is left with a urlLink staring role. hee hee! clocks in my rooms, and the times they show: wall clock: 1512 silver watch: 1245 purely rational (my computer) : 1639 digital watch: 1640 VCR: 0000 (blinking) alarm clock: 1639 other alarm clock: 1642 pocket watch: 1046 dress watch: 1331 i think this explains a lot; although not my love of punctuality.. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 02,August,2004 | and no, i'm not talking about the incessant rain. i actually like the rain; the seven-month manchester winter of grey and mizzle is part of the appeal. i guess i just like wearing coats, and to quote the urlLink otters : the rain soothes the tempest that is my soul. at my therapist's this morning we identify patterns that lead to my (quote) deviousness (unquote), and we learn exactly why it is that my mother (quote) pisses me off (unquote). i am sure that this is progress. on the way out, i pick up a leaflet for urlLink calm , an organisation i fully support through my general apathy. the leaflet says 'suicide is the biggest killer amongst men aged from 15-35 years old. it accounts for 21% of all deaths among this age group in britain. this phenomenon, which started in the 1970s, is echoed across europe, the us and australia'. this is, i think you'll agree, quite startling. is does raise the question as to why men started killing themselves in the seventies? i blame fashion. also, the telephone lines are open from 5pm to 3am, every day. these hours lead to two obvious conclusions: i) the miserable also need to sleep ii) men only become miserable after watching newsround , which is understandable since the departure of the delectable urlLink becky jago . at eleven in the morning i am delighted to say i have already had four of the recommended five portions of fruit. they are: 1 bowl muesli (i avoided being pulled in by the strong currants) 2 satsumas 1 apple i have been musing on happiness; i will return. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 02,August,2004 | i never figured on any of this; that much you should know. whatever else happens, and whatever i am yet to be guilty of, i can't say that i planned it. look, from time to time i'm a sensible kind of guy. i know i'll probably never be to you what i would like to be. i know it was just a result of your circumstances that made things the way they were, and now they've changed and everything has to settle down again. i guess i just wanted to put it down somewhere that i'm glad that i was lucky enough to be in the wrong place at the right time. i'm glad that i was able to glimpse something so much more than me. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 01,August,2004 | the well-meaning drunk: oh, sure, their heart's in the right place, and i'm glad he stopped by to apologise for all the noise and such, but at half four in the morning there are better things i can think of doing. and i know he was drunk, but his admission that they'd 'been a bit hard on me' was both pleasant and unexpected. late night becomes early morning, and television becomes something else entirely. apparently doctor richard kimble is still on the run, and is these days looking like a poor man's gary sinise. this week he escaped by going out a window; genius. on the subject of naff television, friday's episode of charlie's angels had one of them go undercover at a women's prison. initially set upon by the top dog (so to speak), she later gains a friend by rescuing a drowning woman from the swimming pool, and goes on to meet her contact in the massage parlour. this a prison , yes? swimming pools and massage parlours? that's more facilities than a lot of hotels, and, well, wales. quote of the day is me, on possible pick-up lines whilst 'cruising the toaster': 'i like my toast like i like my women: white, thick and inexpensive...' and a hello to sarah, our illustrious treasurer, who will surely be the best we have ever had: her arrangement of my alphabetical fridge magnets was precisely that: alphabetical. she just can't help it; and whilst it is undoubtedly a useful trait, its also very funny. today's list is songs i try to play/sing on the piano: radiohead - fake plastic trees radiohead - karma police the boo radleys - wilder counting crows - a long december the bluetones - a parting gesture ben folds five - eddie walker ben folds five - evaporated all good songs, even if my voice just isn't up to some of it. like that ever stopped me. n. |
3,705,830 | male | 25 | Non-Profit | Cancer | 01,August,2004 | quote of the day is good even out of context: 'there are things you don't do. like your nieces.' thanks, greg. i've been neglecting the blog of late, not through intention but through a combination of distraction and not really being sure of what to say. the days have been a mass of getting nothing done and sleeping in varying amounts of fitfulness. maybe this has lead to a time where i have nothing to say; the blogger page has lain open on my computer for many many hours, waiting but unsatisfied. a meagre list; again of girls. they are, after all, what make any story worth telling. and so: girls that have been away and are returning to my life: alex (4 months) ro (1 month) helen (12 months) rachael (12 months) and they expect me to get any work done? n. |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 20,June,2004 | So many things I could talk about today. Didn't get to talk to my Daddy, left him a message though. Spent the day with minime asking where her Dad was and why he was taking so long to see her. But made her smile and feel special no matter what. Talked to a few people today, old friends, new friends, special people. I am sooooooo proud of my friend Sean for his marathon run today!! YAY!!!! I better get my butt in gear and get back in shape or I will never keep up hahaha. So I was thinking (yeah yeah today I actually DID think) the whole concept of good karma and reaping what you sow. If energy can never be destroyed..maybe the actual energy generated while you are doing something for others is released somehow into the ether and one day will cause a positive reaction in someone else that eventually gets back to you. Likewise the bad energy too...meh...never know huh? Was an interesting thought though. I think I will eat something really bad for me now so I can have freaky dreams and write another interesting blog in the morning... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Cheers! |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 19,June,2004 | when I was hanging out with Dino. We were talking about the higher quality of Greek leather...well he was I was pretending I thought he was right. He was going on about how they make good belts. ( I think he had been awake for something like 49 hours at this point meeting a work deadline ) I was thinking 'Yannow...I have heard about a lot of things from Greece don't think belts were in that list' Sometimes I think...nahhhhhh I NEVER think...muahahahahahaaa. Holy molaaaaay I need more coffee or a brain or a Greek Belt? Cheers |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 18,June,2004 | urlLink urlLink what sort of weirdo are you? this quiz by urlLink orsa |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 17,June,2004 | Ugh finally the only show worth watching on TV has come along. The WB's Superstar USA, ooooh man I LOVE that show. An underhanded and mean reality show that takes AWFUL singers who think they are good and lets them howl on international TV. The cast members they chose were perfect Tone-Loc, Vitamin C and a guy named Briggs. Their acting ability to sit there and pretend to be loving people singing like cats in a blender in indeed impressive. So they take them to Hollywood give them makeovers and let them sing..badly. The final 4 were well chosen Jo-Jo who told people it was his 'gah-dunk-a-dunk' that made him star material. (that means his butt for those not in the know **wink**) Mario who must weigh all of 90 pounds soaking wet and looks like the kids who used to get shoved in lockers in high school. Jaime the obligatory blonde bimbo with more cup size than cranium size. Rosa the latina firecracker who lives in her own lil world and was probably the worst singer there. I do have to admire all the entertainers confidence in themselves albeit a lil misguided. I missed the last show because someone special was getting her swimming badge and have tried to find more info on how the show went down. A few comments here and there online only to find that JAIME WON!!! UGHHHH!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! For gawd sakes do we NOT have enough female pop-TARTS out there these days?? Yes her looks will sell her to the male audiences even if she can't sing. I think we needed someone like Mario to give all those male singers a run for their pec and chin implants. Rosa well....yeah the worst singer but she didn't have the spark and she can't shake it like J-Lo and Aguilera. Jo-Jo was just too sweet I think, or too simple....I dunno one or the other. Apparently it works for a woman but not for a man. Yay Jaime you have just become a part of the machine that is stardom,but for the love of all that is sacred someone give her cue cards so she can stop writing lyrics on her hands!!! Cheers! |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 16,June,2004 | We always hear statistics stating we are an aging nation, but how does that really affect us? All the advances in health care and medicine have people who might not have otherwise survived living till their 80's and 90's. A couple thousand years ago 30 really was middle age and 60 was as old as 90 is today. Always searching for the youth, the secret of eternal life....dealing with a whole other area of medicine that will become the focus of all our healthcare dollars even more so...'Geriatrics' I love my lil grandma dearly but it is so hard to watch her age, she was born in 1918 the year Influenza B swept across North America and killed so many. Indeed her own mother became very ill when my grandma was only a few months old. Grandma was sent to stay with Aunt Lizzie till her Ma was better. She managed to stay well through that. She also managed to survive as one of the middle children in a family of 9 kids. In a house with no running water. I think about how my child will never know what it's like to have to live with an outhouse and baths in the kitchen(well those ones in the sink when she was 6 months old were cute hehe). My grandma married a man 12 years her senior whom was the love of her life....brought 4 kids into this world on Dairy Farms. Worked hard..watched her family grow...watched my grandfather grow more and more ill after he retired and take care of him like a nurse after his many strokes. He passed away in 1988 and she has never even considered another man. Then her energy was directed back to her kids and grandkids, and most importantly her garden. That woman has more strength and courage than most of the people I know. And as I watch her health start to fail at the age of almost 86...I find myself dealing with the one of the hard truths of life. We all will die one day. So I am not sure if I am more upset at the fact she will not be here forever...or the fact that I won't. I need coffee...Cheers! |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 15,June,2004 | There are days it seems i have to much to say and no one to say it to. Sometimes my ideas seem profound, sometimes just plain funny....maybe getting it all out there and have someone stumble across them and maybe laugh, maybe cry, maybe learn something...might be a good idea. Or I can just pretend people actually are interested in my errant rantings now and then. So I raise a glass of....hrmm...water? and say Cheers! Webi |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 22,July,2004 | that's what I would truly like to beeeeeee. Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wienerrrrrrrr....everybody'd be in love with me. I treated myself today to some dresses, I felt so gross the last week. I realized I had only one really 'pretty' dress..I am a girl I guess I can act like one once in a while instead of feeling like I have to be some plain non descript blending into the crowd figure. I'd like to be able to look in the mirror and say 'Daaaamn I look GOOD!' and really think it. For all my bravado about not caring what other people think about my looks...I need to be less critical about what I think of them. I know the really good stuff is on the inside, I know how to love, I know how to care, I know how to make others feel appreciated...But I live in a culture that has ingrained into my being this myth about beauty. I did some reading a few nights about about body image and older civilizations...dammit if I lived in the time of Reuben...I'd be a SuperModel...lol. We are taught young to find fault with ourselves...our lack of looking like that less than 1% of women who actually do model. I still find it so bizarre they use women we can never be instead of the women we are to sell us things. There would be something self satisfying to see more women just like us model...or models chosen on the basis of their deeds...cause in the end it's how good you WERE not how good you LOOKED. I had more to say but I got distracted, so yeah then I guess I am done for now. Cheers! |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 18,July,2004 | that's all i want to say to youuuuu. Ok maybe not just that. I got a lot done today, fever seems to be almost gone. Had most of the day to myself which was kind of nice. Did some yard work,a lot of cleaning, some resting...then got a phone call that my precious was not comfy where she was having a sleep over and wanted to come home. That's ok though we can try another time. I'm a little nervous about going back to work, but I still have a bit more time. I will go back to needing to catch up on so much and take account for the time and targets I missed. I think it's going to be ok, I feel like i have a better sense of purpose now. Maybe I just need to get primal and kill that fear. Funny how a slight change in the way you perceive something can shift you to a whole other view. Although I don't think being painted up in tribal colors and jumping on the desks will go over well at work...ooooh wait that's right METAPHORICAL...lol Ok I am done..nothing else to say today. Cheers |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 16,July,2004 | I am a candle burning bright, to light your way on darkest nights Your path you choose, You take your steps I hold your hand along the way, and raise you up from broken wings You find your voice, You sing your song I hear your soul, and sing along um yeah it was there waiting...now it is in words |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 14,July,2004 | so much and so much and so much... I am happy that I have started to take the time to learn more about why and how I react to things. Accept a challenge now and then, learn from how I react to them too. And through all of it....remember I can do anything I set my mind to. I have felt like there were times in my life when I dragged myself with my finger nails to get through...but hey...whatta ya know?!?! I made it...and I will keep moving forward. I can feel the energy in the core of my being, maybe I should try to bask in it more often. I have so many thoughts on so many different topics today. I can say this, BRING IT! Cheers! |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 12,July,2004 | I was thinkin back to a poem I wrote a while ago, thought I had saved a copy...and now can't find it...I am going to try to get it back out of the deep recesses of my brain though. Too bad it never found it's way to anyone who appreciated it though lol. If Time was a River If time was a river that flowed to the sea And love was the vessel that would carry me I'd pack it with patience with laughter with care with passion and friendship and take some to spare If time was a river that flowed to the sea And love was the vessel that would carry me I'd need someone steadfast to be on my crew And if I had get to choose, I plan to choose you Ok that's not exactly the original but not bad if I do say so myself. I should dig up my old poems and get them on the blog...might be good for trip down my dark and twisted memory lane. I was actually missing work today, but know I am not ready to go back just yet. A couple more weeks and I should feel better able to face the world head on again. It's been nice to just kind of see where the day takes me, but then I think about all those people I am not getting to help. I sometimes shake my head at the apathy so many of my co-workers have...then again so many people in the world are apathetic. When I get to hear 'wow thank you soooo much why has no one ever taken that time to explain this to me?' or 'You are a dear you took all my worries away' at least I know for the few minutes that person talked to me they felt like someone, somewhere cared about who they were and what they needed. Someone told me I had too much to give one time, isn't that what it's about though?? You give of yourself to the right people...and they give back to you...not rocket science yannow? Or give the right things to the right people. I almost wonder if it takes a stronger person to accept that you deserve to be given back to...instead of feeling like you constantly are going to 'owe' something to someone. Cheers! |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 09,July,2004 | Sometimes when you look for something so hard you don't see that what you need might be right in front of you. We all live with perceptions...about ourselves, others, the world..spend a lot of time classifying the same. In the pursuit of all things wonderful we forget the wonder in what we already have. Nothing is sweeter than realizing that old adage...it's not having what you want...it's wanting what you have. I'm taking time for me for a change, and it is not an easy thing. I am so used to being many things to many people. But what I keep getting told is that if I don't take care of me first my efforts are pretty much wasted. Funny after 33 years to be told my expectations of myself are too high...when I have thought I just wasn't trying hard enough. Ah if only...if only what I don't know...but...ahhh if only. I love finding the beauty and art in everything...the way the sun shines through the leaves on my apple tree just so. The brilliant diamond sparkles as it dances across the water in the pool. The flowing motion of the ripples across the pool as a giggling child spins around as fast as she can in the water. And her laughter...I still think it's one of the best things I have ever and will ever hear. Right up there with hearing her sweet voice first thing in the morning reminding me I am loved. It's been far too long since the depth of my love for her has moved me to tears...and here I sit reminding myself that she is the reason I need to be whole and happy. Take that extra minute to find the beauty in your day, that one small reason no matter what it might be...remind yourself it doesn't all have to be stress and hurry. Cause this ride around the sun will be as brief as the ones before and the cosmos needs your spark of light to be full of everything that made you smile. Cheers |
3,649,763 | female | 33 | Banking | Aquarius | 07,August,2004 | what the hell is that? dammit I just had a flu I don't want another, I have to go back to work on Monday IIIICCCCKKKKKYYY!!!! I went there today to see what was up and found out they moved my desk, or at least they will on Monday...so I will get to unpack all my stuff and set my junk up again lol. I should take more pins and tacks cause I am sure all mine got stolen. The more things change the more things stay the same only not, only do, only not...only um yeah something...and know what else? WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! urlLink http://www.amishdonkey.com/weeee.php don't click that link if you are offended by the word gonads...ahahahaaaaa CHEERS!!!!! |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 23,May,2004 | I had this conversation with a man the other evening... more of an argument, I suppose, or at least a debate... I thought it was interesting... HIM (4:35:45 PM): like i said...you can live in your dream and not care about amterial things until you need that money....and then say....someone will pay it ...or take care of it HIM (4:36:50 PM): I pay for the hiways you drive on...I pay for the military that protects you...i pay for everything our govt provides you....and you pay for none of it.......so much for you paying for everything you need ME (4:37:22 PM): I pay taxes.... I have never been on welfare..... no one has ever given me handouts..... HIM (4:37:36 PM): you do not pay federal income tax HIM (4:37:51 PM): as a matter of fact...you get a child tax credit....that I pay for ME (4:37:51 PM): I didn't write that law... I can't help it HIM (4:38:07 PM): guess you do take a handout then ME (4:38:09 PM): and you are putting yourself in a big box labeled 'SNOB' HIM (4:38:39 PM): no..i am putting myself in the box of people who don't think they should have to pay for everything you enjoy HIM (4:38:49 PM): I pay my part and yours ME (4:38:56 PM): I work my ass off 40-50 hours a week..... HIM (4:39:03 PM): so do I HIM (4:39:27 PM): I just pay my fair share and you do noT ME (4:39:34 PM): so, next year should I send you my taxes? would that knock the chip off your shoulder? HIM (4:39:39 PM): actually...i pay for more than my fair share ME (4:39:52 PM): so quit working so hard.... you wouldn't pay so much in taxes ME (4:39:59 PM): you pay for the lifestyle you want to lead HIM (4:40:23 PM): if everyone had that attitude we would have no roads...no schools....no military...and no freedom to choose ME (4:40:41 PM): so you want that stuff as long as you don't have to pay for it HIM (4:41:04 PM): I DO PAY FOR IT....but I also pay for other people who don't pay for it ME (4:41:20 PM): I work hard... I pay what the government says I have to pay.... I can't helop their laws HIM (4:41:25 PM): you are the one who wants it...but does not pay for it ME (4:41:39 PM): if everyone had jobs like yours, your trash wouldn't get picked up every week..... your stores wouldn't have anything in them because there would be no truck drivers to haul it there would be no waitress to take your order then next time you eat in a restaurant HIM have news for you....trash haulers make 40k a year and belong to unions ME (4:42:45 PM): my ex husband is a trash hauler for the city.... he makes $10 an hour, with no union HIM(4:43:09 PM): that is because he choose to live in a little town and haul trash ME (4:43:27 PM): you can live the life you choose, but no one else can ME (4:43:28 PM): interestinG ME (4:43:56 PM): and if there were no farmers, which my whole family is, what would be on your dinner table tonight? HIM (4:44:26 PM): I believe it is my duty as an american to PAY MY FAIR SHARE....I don't care what the govt says...then I also donate money to charities.....my father owns a cattle ranch in Protection Ks ME (4:44:40 PM): people in little towns need their trash hauled too, you know HIM (4:44:46 PM): almost lost his whole biz 2 years ago because of the poor beef market ME (4:45:01 PM): well... thats because he chooses to be a rancher ME (4:45:11 PM): if he lived in a city and had a desk job that wouldn't happen to him ME (4:45:16 PM): your logic, not mine HIM (4:45:17 PM): true....and there will always be someone willing to take that job and not pay thier fair share HIM (4:45:39 PM): I can haul my own trash ME (4:45:46 PM): we pay what we are told to pay.... go be a politician and change the laws if you don't like it ME (4:46:59 PM): and you are going to grow a garden and raise cattle in your back yard, right?? HIM (4:47:00 PM): that is the problem....exactly what our founding fathers warned us about....50% of the population pays little or no fed taxes..........and they vote in congressman that pander to them...so the people who have good jobs keep having to pay more and more and more ME (4:47:17 PM): so run for office and change it! ME (4:48:25 PM):how do you want me to fix it? tell me what I can do.... ME (4:48:39 PM): stop voting? I can do that.... HIM (4:49:09 PM): next time they want to raise taxes to pay for schools tell them no.....ask them what more money is going to do...how is it going to raise test scores HIM (4:49:35 PM): ask them why teachers are tenured and have no job performance reviews HIM (4:50:53 PM): ask why teachers are bitching.....they work 1/2 the days in the year and get paid full time wages HIM (4:51:39 PM):ask why a woman on welfare can have another kid and get more money from the govt HIM (4:52:25 PM): why people in prison get tv libraries....and everything they want ME (4:53:09 PM): the starting point is to stop raising taxes, and start cutting out things that are not neccesary ME (4:53:25 PM): raising taxes is treating the symptom, and not the disease HIM (4:53:30 PM): why someone who has a million dollars in the bank when they die gets 55% of it taken by the govt....this is money they already paid taxes on ME (4:54:32 PM): so why bother making that money and putting it in the bank if the government is going to take it anyway? (this is not a personal attack this is just a hypothetical question for the sake of the debate) HIM (4:54:42 PM): if we are all supposed to be equal...why is my tax rate twice of yours ME (4:54:56 PM): I don't know... and I don't think its fair either ME (4:55:05 PM): its the government HIM (4:55:06 PM): in our govt...I am actually punished for being more productive ME (4:55:10 PM): not the little people ME (4:55:18 PM): yes, you are ME (4:55:38 PM): you are not making a good point here for me wanting to be more productive~~~ and it went on... Id like to hear other opinions on this... |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 21,May,2004 | My dad died tonight. 7:03 pm. He wasn't my birth dad, but he adopted me when he married my mom, I was 1 1/2. They divorced when I was about 14 or so, but he was always a part of my life. He had cancer. I hadn't seen him in a year. We weren't getting along... every time I went there, he found a way to insult me, I always left there feeling bad... so I stopped going. My step mom had called, today, said he was real bad. My sister and I were going up tomorrow to see him... I wanted to put things right between us... I wanted to tell him that I still loved him... My friends say that of course he knew that... but I don't know that... I didn't get to look into his eyes and tell him that... Please, if anyone ever reads this, no matter what time of day or night it is, if your parents are still living, call them NOW and tell them you love them... before its too late. |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 20,May,2004 | Have you ever read 'The picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde? It is an interesting book... here is an interesting bit I just came across, reading today... (I'm rereading the book, haven't read it in years) ~~'Only when one is young,' she answered. 'When an old woman like myself blushes, it is a very bad sign. Ah! Lord Henry, I wish you would tell me how to become young again.' He thought for a moment. 'Can you remember any great error that you committed in your early days, Duchess?' he asked, looking at her across the table. 'A great many, I fear,' she cried. 'Then commit them over again,' he said gravely. 'To get back one's youth, one has merely to repeat one's follies.' 'A delightful theory!' she exclaimed. 'I must put it into practice.' 'A dangerous theory!' came from Sir Thomas's tight lips. Lady Agatha shook her head, but could not help being amused. Mr. Erskine listened. 'Yes,' he continued, 'that is one of the great secrets of life. Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.' A laugh ran round the table.~~ The only thing one regrets is one's mistakes... Interesting theory. I'm not sure that I agree with that... Maybe, to some degree... But the OTHER theory... To get back one's youth one had merely to repeat one's follies... That is very true... So many people tell me that I look and act so much younger than I am, but the acting young is what promotes the looking young... Other people my age think that now that they are a 'certain age' they have to act a 'certain way'... That is what makes people old... old is an attitude, not an age... I can think of lots of 'follies' from my youth I would love to repeat... and do so on every available occasion....lol |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 20,May,2004 | Lacuna Coil. I suppose I am the last person to hear this group, but I just did so recently. They blew me away. My tastes in music vary widely. Classic rock, alternative rock, techno, country, jazz, R&B, hip-hop, new age, classical... just about anything but polka...(appologies to the polka fans out there.) This is my current 'obsession'. Living out in the boonies in southwestern Kansas has its advantages, but available radio stataions and nearby music stores are not among them. So, I listen to Lacuna Coil online, until I can get somewhere that actually sells their music. Check out their website at: urlLink http://www.lacunacoil.it/etc/html/eng/index.htm |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 20,May,2004 | Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. 'Oscar Wilde' |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | 'Scars heal glory fades and all we're left with are the memories made pain hurts but only for a minute life is short so go on and live it.' Chris Cagle |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | ' Life isn't a journey to the grave with the intentions of arriving safely in a pretty & well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, & loudly proclaiming DAMN what a Ride!' |
3,389,918 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | One of the best Gothic poetry sites on the web, in my opinion, is this one: urlLink http://www.ravensrants.com/index.html Raven's poetry is brilliant, breaking the gothic poetry stereotype...everyone thinks gothic poetry = poems about death. Crystal Night I walked out one crystal night and the air was cold and black every star held bright and true against it's midnight back The moon hung low above the trees as silent as a ghost and I sat there in the fields as frigid as a post This night was so gorgeous just like a movie scene and even the trees kept still to keep my view pristine My mind began to wonder through thoughts about this place It wished to share with someone nature's purest face But around me there was not a soul not a heart to make a sound and I knew I was all alone when I began to look around Then my heart felt empty like the space between the stars I knew the night alone couldn't heal all my scars So with that I began to walking back into the night i knew that I would need someone to help me win this fight So now I must leave this scene until some other time Because until I can share it it's just a song without a rhyme ~RAVEN~ If poetry interests you at all, you must check this site out... even if you are not goth, open your mind and experience something new... |
Subsets and Splits
No saved queries yet
Save your SQL queries to embed, download, and access them later. Queries will appear here once saved.