id
int64 5.11k
4.34M
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | age
int64 13
48
| topic
stringclasses 40
values | sign
stringclasses 12
values | date
stringlengths 2
18
| text
stringlengths 4
790k
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | And all the programming errors that are associated with it! |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | After seeing some sexy blogs under WordPress I really wanna change. But I am too much of a loser to know how the hell to do it. I am working on installing it and having issues, so if anyone out there wants to give a sista a hand...HOLLA! |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | I was even looking forward to meeting my sister's new online boyfriend last night, but I agreed to having them both over for dinner anyways. When my sister arrived, all she did was talk about the guy as I made dinner. It was annoying, but I was happy that she was happy with him. She kept talking about how he said he wants to get married and have kids and travel. All the things that she wants to do. As she blabbed on about him she hardly noticed that we had finished dinner and he still wasn't there. Then we watched four episodes of Sex and the City, he still wasn't there. Two hours later she called him to ask if he was still going to be able to make it. 'I'm in the car, on my way,' he said as if she was being impatient. Two more hours went by after that phone call during which we had time to go to the adult toy store, rent some DVDS and watch half of Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller. I had fell asleep during the movie only to be awakened by the sound of my sister getting ready to go home. That fat bastard didn't show up. It really pissed me off because my sister is really a great girl. Actually, she is a woman, she is 31 for goodness's sake. Why are guys assholes? I really wanted to hunt this guy down last night and take a bat to his head...and I woke up this morning feeling the exact same way. He didn't just stand her up, he stood me up too. How fucking rude!!? Thank God, I learned my lesson about men when I was 17 and haven't had much trouble since then. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | I was out driving yesterday when I became extremely hungry. And I had an urge for a McDonald's ice cream cone. So I stopped at the nearest Golden Arches. I had only been on the highway for a short while when I really started getting into my ice cream. And I started thinking of my man back in Beijing. Next thing I knew, I heard a loud beep. A white van had pulled up next to me during the stop and go rush hour traffic and had been enjoying watching me eat my ice cream as much as I was enjoying eating it. I looked at the driver, only to see some fat nasty middle aged man stick out his tongue all aroused. I rolled my eyes at him in disgust...Can't a girl eat ice cream in peace? He flicked me off and got lost in the traffic ahead. Moral: Don't let ice cream take you places you should only be with your man. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Most Americans act as if them being born on American soil is some great accomplishment which gives them the right to look down upon immigrants whom became Americans through naturalization. But I see the definition of being American as a right of passage after a long struggle, journey, or trial. Those who fight for American citizenship and all that it stands for bring character, strength, and courage to the definition of being American. People who have enough faith to believe that their 'something better' will arrive after a while. People who left behind everything that was familiar to them in hopes of gaining something more. When I think of my husband and our long wait until his arrival, I am grateful for our struggle. He has introduced to me what it means to fight for something that you really want, and how it feels to wake up in hopes for the arrival of your 'something better'. In so many ways, he has made me more American. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Say Cheese! urlLink urlLink |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | My last blog went spastic and had to be killed. (Plus, a few people who I actually knew in real life were reading it) So welcome to my new blog, with more unadulturated stories. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Someone's cute baby...but not mine. urlLink urlLink |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | I know I am not ready to have kids yet. All I want is a puppy. My husband's mother keeps asking him if I am prego yet..I have a few issues with that. First is that, we haven't even seen each other since June, so if I am prego, it isn't his. Second, I don't really want a baby until after law school. I have 4 years ahead of me that are bound to be extrememly stressful and I would hate to not be able to enjoy my child growing up. There are other people in my husband's life that have asked a few times if and when am I getting prego. My conclusion is that the Chinese view of family is different from the American view of family in such many Americans who can have kids choose not to have them at all, or prolong it until mid-thirties. Of course, I do want kids one day, but not until I have enough money to be able to buy them all sorts of crap that they don't need. My mother is another one who says I can have a baby while I am in law school. Geez! Who are these people fooling??? One thing is certain, I will have all my children in the US so we can all float in and out of China and other countries without having visa issues. The truth of the matter is that everyone else is just anxious to see a black-Chinese baby. What color skin will it have? Will their eyes be like mine or his? Will their hair be curly, nappy, or straight? Honestly, I don't care, as long as my baby is healthy. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | It was about 8:40 on Monday night when Phyllis, my 65+-year-old landlord called me on the phone. I was startled because she usually doesn't call me at all, and we hardly talk, even though she lives on the first floor and I live on the second floor of the multi-family home. She called to tell me that she was able to make a photocopy of the lease, which I had requested in a letter attached to August's rent. 'But I will not be able to give you a copy of your credit report. It's mine and I paid for it.' She said quite plainly. 'Phyllis, when I signed the lease you said you would give me a copy of it, plus it is more than just a credit report you have information about my family members and where they live, which is not at all relevent to you renting to me.' I was shocked that she was being such a bitch about it and I usually am not confrontational but this was just plain wrong to me. 'Well, I'm not giving it to you, and it upsets me that you don't trust me with such information,' she said in a pissy-ass tone. At this point I was through arguing with her and so upset that I wanted to walk downstairs and strangle the whore. But I didn't. I just told her to destroy the parts that had my family member's information. I'm moving out in the end of October because I refuse to put up with stupid shit like this from grouchy old women. I hate living in the same building as her because I feel like she is watching my every move (who comes to see me, and what time they leave). Lesson learned: Don't rent from crotchety old broads that have mood-swings because they aren't getting any. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | I spent most of this weekend and yesterday, naked, cuddled up with one of my reserves. This time a 6'5' white guy with lots of tattoos. No emotional attachment on my part. But I like the closeness and affection that I get out of it. I had to turn off the ringer on the phones in my house so as not to spoil my fantasy world, and remind me that what I was doing was so wrong. After not speaking to hubby for two days, our relationship suffered, and I became apathetic. I enjoy living alone. And I am afaid of what changes will happen once he arrives. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | And I know it. I've been a sucky gf before so it is only logically that one day I turn out to be a sucky wife. But when your husband is not around, doesn't even live in the same country as you; it is soooooooo easy to be a sucky wife. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | I've recently been asking myself which is more enjoyable and I have concluded that the two are not mutually exclusive, at least to me. Something as erotic as being grabbed or bitten during 3ex is just as enjoyable as a caress or a kiss. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Girl it?s only youHave it your wayAnd if you want you can decideAnd if you?ll have meI can provideEverything that you desire, hmmLet me get a feelingThe feeling that I?m feelingDon?t you come closer to me baby, heyThen you already got meRight where you want me babyI, I just want to be your manHow does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?I won?t stop (Won?t stop) till you wantSilly little games you will be playingAnd I feel right onIf you feel the same way babyLet me know right onLoving make you wetIn between your thighs, causeI love when it comes suddenly booI get so excited when I?m around you, lovin? youOh babyHow does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?Ooh long timeSaid it?s been on my mind, yeahBaby close the doorListen girl I gotta tell youI want control you bodyWish that you?d knowI want to take your walls downOh yeah, if you want me to babyOnly if you want me toBaby, babyWhy? Why? Why? Why?Why do wanna hold it back baby?I just wannaI wanna make it fastKiss you all up and downAll aroundMake you feel the way I doYeah, yeah, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah?How does it feel, yeah? |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Angels in the background...can you see them? urlLink urlLink |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Today sucks for so many reasons. I have to leave DC today and go back to my crappy little city, I'm not looking forward to the flight at all. I stayed up late last night with one of my friends from around here, and I am so tired this morning. He says he wants to visit me next weekend. At first I said yes, out of sympathy, but I called him early this morning to shoot down that notion. That wouldn't be pretty. |
3,472,003 | female | 23 | Government | Virgo | 23,June,2004 | Hey all, I writing to you from the wonderful world of Washington, DC. My job sent me here for some computer training. Its alright. My flight wasn't that long so I have no complaints; except for the shuttle driver on the way from the airport to the hotel which took three hours because the driver had the runs. (No lie, aka hershey squirts). But I made it. I've been enjoying the DC scene, since I used to live here, and it makes me realize what a crappy city I live in now. On the guy update: My husband is acting like a dumbass because I came here alone. He is really pissing me off in his insecurities. I told him that I am going out tonight, so I might not be around to answer his call. Then all of a sudden he starts acting 'funny'. I mean honestly, if I am gonna screw around...acting 'funny' is not going to make matters any better for him. Men. From the dumbass shuttle driver yesterday, to my husband acting really insecure...I am honestly starting to think they are the inferior sex. |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 04,August,2004 | well tonite was fun! mainly b.c. i got to see lotz of koolie ppls! heehee! catch me catch me! and name name name... whoop whoop! hahahahaha i like those 2 songs! lol well thats all for now! bye babes!! Chelsi ** i kinda like the xanga better b.c. i can add pics but this thing has a koolie name!!** |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 03,August,2004 | hi hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! umm welllllllllllllllllllllllllll i dont noe wat to say! lol Guess wat? Amber Bodine Sneezed TWICE!! YAY!! go Amber! lol well tonite im goin to church and i get to see becca and ashleigh and jenny and stepy and hopefully david and amanda and umm lots and lots of other beautiful ppl! o and i get to see MC!!!!!!!! yay!!! whoop whoop!! and tomm i get to see other lots of beautiful ppl!! yay! i get to see Katelin!! yay! and chantelle and brandi and umm yay other ppls.. o! and amber! yay! well im like really really hyper!! can u tell! lol well g2g bye bye Chelsi |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 03,August,2004 | XxFluuRtAciOusxX: LoL XxFluuRtAciOusxX: yOor so funny chelsi rednekgrl4ever: lol thanx! so r u! member suave.. rednekgrl4ever: hee hee XxFluuRtAciOusxX: omg... XxFluuRtAciOusxX: shhhhh XxFluuRtAciOusxX: LoL rednekgrl4ever: lol rednekgrl4ever: MAN that was hilarious! haha! XxFluuRtAciOusxX: i didn*t noe wat tha word meant... XxFluuRtAciOusxX: haha XxFluuRtAciOusxX: i thought it was shampoo rednekgrl4ever: lol rednekgrl4ever: it is thats why they call it suave so wen u use it ur hair is sexy and smells good and looks well suave XxFluuRtAciOusxX: wow! XxFluuRtAciOusxX: Daddy yOor a genuis! XxFluuRtAciOusxX: tOo bad i didn*t get that gene! tee hee! Amber is hilarious! and DONT ask about the daddy thing!! haha i.s.j. lol chels |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 02,August,2004 | YES or NO 1. Eat a bug?: NO 2. Bungee jump? maybe 3. Hang glide? ive done it 4. Kill someone? NEVER 5. Kiss someone of the same sex? NOOOOOOO 6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? BIGGER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 7. Parachute from a plane? maybe.. it depends who im with lol 8. Walk on hot coals? ouchies... no 9. Go out with someone for their looks? sumebody did that to me but i dont think i would 10. For their reputation? no... I*m not shallow 11. Be a vegetarian? EWWW!! veggies r NASTY!! 12. Wear plaid with stripes? omg! BIG NO! 14. Sing Karaoke? i already dOo that! 16. Shoplift? no 17. Run a red light? no! 18. Star in a porn video? ummm.. well it depends.. haha j.k. 19. Dye your hair blue? it depends.. but prob yea but i mite do it pink lol 20. Be on Survivor?ya 21. Wear makeup in public? i don*t go out w.o it 22. Not wear makeup in public? NEVER! That*s lyke a sin! 23. Cheat on a test? umm.. onlie in math.. haha 24. Make someone cry? YES! hee hee these r funnie questions! Chels |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 02,August,2004 | hey there! well umm earlier i talked to ash.. lol i see dirt people haha.. and then i took a shower and now im wrting in this thing.. again.. lol! well tonite for dinner i get to eat.. drum roll pleez........ CRAB LEGS!!!!! ahahahahahh!! yay! lol i noe i noe.. im weird but im PROUD!! lol like kristin said i am the official president of the weird club! haha! umm heres whos in my classes! HR: alyssa kerr first:kristan oravec 2nd: ryan lineback ( its kinda weird to think about.. lol) 3rd.. idk 4th: lindsey peavy 5th: brandi, lindsey and other ppl.. its lunch lol 6th: idk 7th: idk! well thats all for now! luv yall!! 04 chels 05 hee hee |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 02,August,2004 | ok today i woke up technally at like 10 but really i woke up round 9:15 b.c. Christin (meany head) called me and woke me up! so yea ne ways this is wat ive done today so far! i woke up, put my contacts in, ash called and i talked to her for like 2 hrs. and then i watched t.v. and now im writing in this! acctually im about to get off and call ash bakk b.c. there isnt ne body on! so like yea! well thats all for now! more l8er! chels |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 02,August,2004 | The day is finally ending!! i seriously think that we should just sleep forever and then idk... it would just be great! lol well earlier i watched everybody loves raymond and then friends and now im watching everybody loves raymond..lol.. i think after that i mite watch overboard.. or sumethin but idk yet! lol well thats all for now! bye i love u AwL! 04 chelsi 05 |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 01,August,2004 | i seriously thought that not babysitting would be fun but it isnt because i have NOTHING to do! I mean there is onlie a week of summer left and uve already done purdi much everything w. everybody so there isnt ne thing to do! AH! i think im going crazy! My new Fav. song: *Surrender* by Ashlee Simpson Oh u drive me crazy o u just bring me down look out ur window my sunshines all around all u have to is just Surrender *and* *LaLa* By: Ashlee Simpson U make me wanna lala in the kitchen on the floor ill be ur french maid wen u meet me at the door im like an alley kat drink the milk up i want more u make me wanna SCREAM! lol! those r koolie songs! well thats all for now! chels |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 01,August,2004 | hey there yall! i hope that yall have been reading my blog.. but if u rnt then oo well! ..lol.. ummm im not really doing ne thing interesting lol! but tomm im supposed to go to the movies w. christin and see either the village or cat woman... idk yet lol (like i ever noe ne thing!) umm today (like every summer day) is boring!! i really want to go bakk to skool! but onlie to see all the gorgeous ppl! on wed. the onlie im doin is goin to church at nite! *i hope David is there b.c. i need to tell him sumething!* and then thursday i have an eye appoitment and then orientation! yay! i get to see ALL of bestest ppl! (well onlie ppl w. last names a - k..lol..) ne ways if ur in that category then ill see u! well thats all yall! love u AwL!! 04 me 05 |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 01,August,2004 | hey there yall! well im not doing much of ne thing rite now but ill up date on wat i have done this mornin! NOTHING!! yay! for once this summer i havent done NE THING this morning!! YAY! lol! well thats all for now! luv u AwL! :) 04 CK 05 |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 01,August,2004 | hey there! well i didnt get to spend the nite w. ashliegh tonite so i get to stay here tomm! BORING! well let me noe if yall wanna to sumethin tomm or Tues!lol ok! i just got finished w. subway (dinner) and before that i watched the Grinch and then went to barnes and noble... i got a new journal (like i need more.. lol) and got a book thats called 'One of those hidious (or however u spell it) storys were the mom dies' it looks really interesting! lol then we got subway and brought it bakk here! Now im sitting here watching The Mask of Zorro and trying to get ryan to talk to me! but like every one else.. WONT! well i think im gunna read my book and watch my mpvie then i guess write in my journal! well i luv u AwL *sume more than others.. haha! j.k.* 04CK05 |
4,100,253 | female | 14 | indUnk | Taurus | 01,August,2004 | This my first blog! these things r so0o0o0o koolie! well heres wat happened Friday through Sunday afternoon! Friday afternoon i went to get my contacts w. my cousin and then we went to my moms play that nite and while we were there we got very very bored so we went and found this coffee shop/floral place. wen we were there we got a latte, a piece of chocolate cake and a coke. wen we sat down at the table near this fire place we saw a Feng Shui book and MAN was it HILARIOUS! we laughed about it for almost 2 hrs.! after all of that we went bakk to my moms play and got bored again so we went bakk and did the same thing at the coffee shop again b.c. we thought it rocked! so round 11:30 we went bakk to my moms play and met her 'guy friend' and then we went to Sonic round twelveish. Then we went home and went to bed! On Saturday morin' we got up round 9 (b.c. we had to..lol) and went to the mall! i bought a ring,a bracelet, sunglasses, and a kool barbie T - shirt. Then round twelve we went bakk home, got online, watched culess, got bakk online and then ate a sanwich and then took Marlena home! After we took her home, me and my mom went to Fashion Bug (didnt find ne thing i liked) and then to Goodies where i bought a pair of jeans and some shoes. Then we went home and i got bakk online and then i painted my nails, took a shower and then got bakk online. On Sunday morning i went to church and then i went ot lunch at Moes w. my moms b.f. and then we went to Montaisha. When we were done playing put - put, we went for ice cream and then came bakk home! now we're all bakk here watchin the Braves game and im writting in this! well i think i mite be spending the nite w. Ashliegh (my bffeAae) and go to church w. her and if i dont then ill check in l8er and if i do, ill check in tommorow! i Luv u awl! 04CK05 |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 27,February,2004 | 'Thank you, have a nice day.' Its my last week of work. I'm pretty excited. And a bit sad because I have had so many good experiences there. It's so cool. 1.) A female coworker was hitting on me. It was cool. She was about 20-something. I was talking to her on my break and she asked me if I wanted to buy her lunch or something. I didn't know what to say really because I didn't feel interested in her in anyway. I just kinda stammered and made a silly excuse in which another coworker came and saved the day. After that, we just became friends. We talk a lot and I did have lunch with her oneday. It was a lot of fun. 2.) Jonee goes to our school. She's a cool kid. I like talking to her too. 3.) DISCOUNTS+++. I bought my uber cool MP3/Radio/CD player there. And a few CD's. And a few video games. Discounted. Which was cool. Oh yea, I also bought some food there too. 4.) Hm...A guy hit a on me. That was interesting. But I was not in the mood for some ice cream with him so I declined. 5.) A couple of nights ago, two lesbians came into my lane with stuff. I was checking them out when one of them said, 'I don't know why we have to use condoms. Aren't we lesbians? Why do we need condoms.' 'Shh...you'll corrupt the poor kid.' 'Don't worry, he's probably seen tons of lesbians, right kid?' Yea, it was interesting. And then when they were done, 'Don't mind her, dear. She's not too tightly wrapped.' 'Yea, and you're vagina isn't too tight anymore either.' Too much information, right? Well, anyway I think there were women condoms. There's such a thing, right? 6.) $$$$+++. I finally have a MAC card, which is pretty hot. And money to go with my MAC card. Which Alex Manzi is so jealous of, even if he makes fun of me for it. 'Oooo...look at Dennis with his MAC card and his memorization of his Social Security number. With his driver's liscense. OO....isn't he so cool?' 7.) MISC, ETC, whatever. I need to find a new job. Who wants to come with me. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 25,February,2004 | I should be doing my homework right now but I'm currently in a state that forbids me of any feeling resembling 'worry' about homework. It's just the dumb packet for Kobyrinski. I think I am like a rollarcoaster fueled by overthinking. It seems that more and more, I am in a world my own. Not really paying attention to the things going on around me and acting strange to people. I analyze things people do and things they don't. I'll ask myself that if I had done this, would people like me better? I'll get pissed off at people for things I would never normally get pissed off at. I'll see things differently. One minute I'll feel sorta happy and the next minute, I'll feel angsty and against the world in general. I am never directly mad at people, just generally mad at people. Although sometimes I'll single people out, it doesn't mean that I hate them. Just means that I am annoyed by what they did, or did not do. I don't want to go to a couple of classes tomorrow. Maybe I'll skip. But I can't really skip any classes. All of them are important and the periods in which I have idle classes, I'm already in orchestra. Well, except for 9th period. I guess I can skip that. I don't know. I think I worry about what people think of me too much. I should worry less about that. Some people will always be better than me. And I will have to accept that. I guess. I guess about a lot of things. And I don't know about a lot of things either. It just is. And there's nothing I can do about it. I think I need a hobby. Or some courage to confide in people. pfft, who reads this anyway. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 23,February,2004 | I feel kinda happy today. Among other things with people, I feel that I am getting along with people around me. Although I seem like a jerk sometimes, I don't mean to be. I have the best of intentions in mind, just that its me and I tend to do weird things. Today after school, I drove myself to Barnes and Nobles and got myself two books. One was about the history of the three scientist that developed the Atomic Bomb. The other one was the book that Ben sorta recommended. That Japanese author. Its a good book so far but I'm focusing more on my other books right now. Thats about it today. I am happy. That is good. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 31,March,2004 | Well, upon the matter of my leaving, its had nothing to do with you. I'm just at a point in my life where everything I do is pointless (heh) and that I can't find the joy of stuff anymore. I mean, I pick up a video game and ready to have fun and whatnot but all I do is press buttons randomly hoping for a good outcome. I pick up my pencil read to do some math homework but all I get is confused by the buttons of the calculator. I have the phone in my hand and I'm ready to call some of my friends but I just don't for some odd reason. Maybe I should take a break. I mean, there are a couple of things that I still like to do. For instance, I still like to talk to you. You're a cool guy, no matter what you say. I still like to take walks (but since there's no one to walk with me, I seldom do). I like to cook (but since I have not the time) I dunno. I don't have such an active social life as you think. Its funny how your e-mail came to me today. I thought I had an okay social life yesterday. But after today, I just realized that I don't. Well, not just today, I had a feeling that I wasn't the most socially active person for a long time now. I found out that some of my friends are going to baseball games and concerts without ever once thinking of inviting me. Even though all of my efforts in the past where to include everyone I could think of in my outings. Yet, no one mentions a concert that I would like to attend. No one would even think of asking me. I think it has to do with an incident a couple of years ago when someone asked me to go to a concert and I made some lame excuse not to go because I didn't have the money back then and I never like to borrow money from my parents. I made some lame excuse like, 'I don't like concerts' or something like that. And I guess they still believe that and don't even bother to invite me to anymore. Sometimes thinking about it, it almost makes me tear up. Its not even something so superficial as going to a concert. I just want to be talked to and invited to things like I invited other people to things. And there are a couple of concerts that I would love to go to but no one would go with me because they're too busy doing other things. Today was just mentally exhausting. After having been slapped in the face by the fact that I was excluded from such trivial yet important things like concerts and baseball games, I get slapped in the face again for being average in every single thing I do. I hate whining to people. But this has just been bugging me. I'm not the smartest person in the class. I'm not the greatest violinist in the orchestra. I wasn't the fastest soccer player. I'm not the best of anything. Just average or slightly above. But whats worse is that sometimes I grow to hate the people who are better than me. Maybe not hate, but feel intensely jealous. And that really sucks because thats a bad feeling. Then I connect the state of being average to my problem with not being invited to places. Then I think that maybe because of me being just a regular person that no one really takes notice of me enough to take me places. I don't think I've had arguements with my friends. But I can just never have a good conversation with them anymore. Its not their fault but whenver I talk to them, they'll tell me about the stuff they do all the time. Like how they need a new drum set because their band is doing a gig at some place. Or how this person went to a tri-county whatnot with their orchestra. I mean, I feel happy for them and stuff but I just feel left out. Why can't I be in those things? Oh wait, I know, because I'm insanely average. Fuck. Its not like I want to keep things from you. So far, I've been honest and open. I wouldn't decline any question directed towards me. I don't think you're going to molest me (nerds aren't strong, right?) Just kidding. I'm just over-thinking things and being anal about everything (for a lack of a better phrase). Popularity escapes my grasp, but yet it is so close that I can touch it sometimes. It'll be cool to meet sometime. It wouldn't be bad because we could meet again some other time after the initial meet. I mean, its not like right after our meeting one of us will go off into war and never been heard from again. I know that our meeting will not be bad because I know that we will continue to talk again. Even if not through chat, then through e-mail. I once had a penpal (online penpal) from Germany. This nice girl about my age when I was about 13 or 14 years old. We used to exchange e-mail letters everyday without fail. She was so human. She had flaws and she had strengths. We had so many conversations and I learned so much stuff about Germany. German word and phrases and foods. But at the end of our time exchanging e-mail, something happened to her. She was sent to the hospital for some sort of testing. And I never really heard from her again. I felt so bad and lonely. You know? All this time, two years or so, we spent e-mailing each other, and for her to just cut off so suddenly without a goodbye or anything, it just broke me. And to think it, we never even chatted real time. There was no IM'ing. But it just ruined me. The moral. Well, not really a moral. More of a transitition to this paragraph. Matt. If we are to continue talking, then you should some sort of promise or pact or whatever that you won't disappear to Japan without a goodbye or if not a goodbye then a pact/promise/whatever that you'll still continue writing. The little girl in Germany managed to write to the little boy in America. You could do the same in Japan. I don't know what the future holds and I don't expect that much from the future. Maybe we will meet. And maybe not. I sure hope we do. I like to meet the person who is responsible for keeping me from so many assignements, papers, projects, and masturbation sessions. Yea, too much information, I know. The last one was for ha'ha's. Anyway. I'm going to Tahiti no matter what. Its your choice whether or not you want to come with me. The end. Dennis. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 30,March,2004 | I was talking to a person about soulmates and it really got me thinking. I go through life, school, and I see that there are so many people who have someone that they can rely on. Someone that stands by them no matter what. And someone that they do stuff with. Its not even a boy/girlfriend sort of thing because those things I am not really worried about. Its just the matter of a friend that I can confide in. I mean, not to sound angsty, but there is no one for me. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm a complete and utter jackass that no one likes or no one can really see themselves getting close to. I'm not an open person, I don't embrace people at the drop of a hat. I don't even like to touch people that much. Or have people touch me. But that doesn't really matter. Maybe I joke too much and people find me superficial, unreal. I never tell anyone my problems, well, not usually. I never open up, you know? I'm just me to people and nothing more. Just skins and bones. I blamed my father for my lack of a confidante. He hates my friends and never approves of them. My mother never talks to my friends and it makes me feel that I have bad friends, which I don't. I think I have awesome friends, but sometimes something is nagging at the back of my mind. My parents tell me never to trust anyone and that all I have is my family. Well, I don't like my family all that much. I am not close to my brothers. I am not close to my mother or my father. I don't tell them my feelings or my problems because I can't find the right words and I always think that they would just belittle me or not really care about my problems at all. I mean, what kind of person has such dumb problems? A dumb person, thats who. Anyway, I have never given many people my trust. Eh, don't know why. Maybe its because of my parents and maybe its because of me. Or maybe its because of something that is out of my control. Maybe I haven't met anyone worthwhile to spill my secrets to. I mean, I'm only 17 and where am I? I'm in a life that I did not choose to be in. I don't have my freedom yet. My dad still controls my hair. He controls what I wear to some extent. Maybe when I am able go on my own that will I find new people. Or maybe the thought of soulmates is entirely fictional. Another person that was made that can understand me. Far-fetched. Optimistic. Too good to be true. Is it too good to be true. Am I just chasing an idea that is not real? A fruitless search for gold? But then why do other people have soulmates? How do they have soulmates? How do they have someone else that knows exactly what movie they like? How? Or maybe its just all a trick. No one is really truely friends with anyone else. Or that I'm asking way too much for something that shouldn't be asked for. Whatever. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 27,March,2004 | I don't know why I blow off my obligations, my friends, and my interests to spend time with my family, espeically with my father. Pat had invited me to see Hot Shots 2 or something but I declined to spend time with my family. You know, there's only so much family to go around but tons of friends. But sometimes I feel that I don't have friends either, but thats another story. Anyway, my mother wanted to go to the mall. But I disliked going to a place without a reason. If I go to the mall, its to do something. To buy something or to look for something. But when I go with my family, there's really never a reason to go and we'll just walk aimlessly around, slowly, conversationallessly. If thats a word. It feels like I'm wasting my time. Even if we didn't buy something, talking would be nice. But I can't find anything to talk to them about. They're just strangers to me. And thats really sad. I don't know. We bought some pretzels. Not some pretzels. More like six. And I wasn't hungry at all. I didn't have anything today except for pretzels and some ice cream. I feel so sick. My mother wanted to see a movie. But I told her that maybe she should go alone with my father since their movies aren't really suitable for kids to watch and I wanted to see those movies too with my parents. But I know that I would be stuck watching the kids in some lame ass movie like Scooby Doo or something. But she insisted that we should all go to the mall anyway. So we're at the mall and my mother suggests we go to the movies now. My father was obnoxious and blurts out, 'Why, there's nothing good out.' I think that totally killed my mother's mood. I felt a change in atmosphere and I knew that he said something bad. And I totally agreed with my mother although I didn't help much by saying that she should have just left us at home and went out to see a movie with my father. What I really wanted to say was that my father should go fucking home and do whatever and the whole family minus my father go watch a fucking movie. You never know hypocrisy until you're yelled at for being a bum from a bum. Namely my father. He yells at me far too much about my flaws. How I'm not a super student. How I'm lazy. How I like odd stuff. How I'm nothing like him. How I have dumb friends. How much I suck in general. And it makes me so sad. Because it feels like he doesn't love me, or that he loves me because he has to. If he were to get a divorce with my parents, he would die. He doesn't pay for his medicines, he doesn't have enough income for rent. What's he to do? Die. Sometimes I wish that they would get a divorce. So that my mom will be happier. But I know that its selfish of me to wish that. Because I would be happier than my mother. Its for personal gains, and I guess thats what I qualify as selfish. I wished I had never prevented their threat of divorce a few years back. I wish I had kept my mouth shut when my parents were planning on divorce or maybe I should have encouraged it. Whatever. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 07,March,2004 | I am now officially unemployed. And it is the first thing that made me feel good this weekend. Recap. On Friday, I wanted to do something with people because of the recent actions in our school. I just wanted to have fun because school is not nearly as fun anymore. Not with the policemen and all. Anyway, I assembled a crew fit for a king. It was Alex, Ben, Ed and I. I had not spoken to Ed in a long while and I feel bad sometimes for 'ignoring' him either consciously or subconsciously. I like Ben and Alex is cool too. Although sometimes Alex seems inhuman because he doesn't get mad or sad or anything. Or maybe I just don't see it. Anyway, we went to the mall and walked around. To make a long story short, I think going to the mall with those people was a bad mistake because I felt like the odd fourth wheel out. The other three had things to talk about like marching band or some new video game or whatnot. I'll chirp in a few times but...eh, I didn't get much conversation time. I made some excuse so that Ed and Ben could go off to look for...Resident Evil soundtrack? Or something. At that point, I would have rathered hung out with Alex because he is easy to talk to. I bought a megaman shirt at Hottopic. Its really cool. After that, we just went home. I dropped the three of them at Ed's house after I made some shitty excuse about 'I'm not too keen on going to people's houses' or 'I have some other stuff I want to buy, I'm gonna be stopping at Gamestop or something'. In truth, I really didn't want to stay with them anymore, there wasn't anything to do. And Ed has his car, he could drive them, not like he drives me anywhere. But then, I shouldn't really complain. I shouldn't be telling or hinting at what he should or shouldn't do. Right? ... On Saturday, I went to my grandmother's grave with my brothers alone. Since my parents are out of the state right now at another funeral. It was raining. It was dark, overcast. What a wonderful day? Well, I thought so until I locked my keys in my car. Yup, keys in car, locked, in King O Prussia. I waited about an hour and a half for my Aunt to come and pick me up after I left about five thousand messages on her answering machine. Its times like this I wished I had a cellphone or something. All of my car capable friends were out of town. I thought about calling Ed but after last night at the mall, I didn't. I need time to think about things. Anyway, I got back home and got the key and went to the car again and drove home. I called me work place to say I couldn't come in after I told them I locked me keys in the car. All they said was, 'Well, after you get your keys out, tell me what time you could come in.' I was a bit peeved at that because they apparently didn't care about me and wanted me to just come in and work for them as soon as possible. Whatever, really. It was my last day and I just did not come. Fuck them, so to say. So I went home and dawdled a bit online. I still have to start the speech for social studies. Saturday evening, I went out and bought three movies at Hollywood videos. Bowling for Columbine made me think. And it made me want to take some affirmitive action in some of the things I disagree with. It motivated me. Maybe I'll do something. I don't know. Went to Burger King with my brothers. I felt guilty for eating a big ass whopper. But whatever. Sometimes in public places, I get the feeling that people glance at me. Its strange in unnerving. Sometimes in school, I feel that too. Maybe its just me. I went home and watched some movies. Then went to bed. This morning I woke up. It was sunny outside and it definately made me feel better. I'm unemployed and its sunny. What more could I ask for? Well, a lot more but thats not the point. Enjoy every moment because the next moment will be different. I hate Xangas that retell past events. No one cares. But in this case, thats the only thing that I could think of putting in this entry. I'll try to end with some of my thoughts on stuff. I guess. Sometimes I feel very lonely because I do not have a person in which I could share an interest exclusively. It bothers me to be a fox and know a little about a lot, so to say. Well not really, but something like that. I'm not a huge music fan but I like music. I'm not a huge violin player (or particulary any good) but I like violin. I'm not a huge hacky sacker but I like hacky sack. I am not too well versed in doing some sort of hobby, but I find it interesting. But I keep finding people left and right that have one sort of thing that they're keen on. Some sort of hobby, craft, whatever, that they do all the time. And they talk to other people about that interest, hobby, craft or whatever. But when I try to do that, I can only talk about it for so long until I lose interest or I don't know anymore about that subject. There are a few people in which I can talk to about anything in the world. A few really. And thats pretty cool. But I can't help it sometimes to speak to another person about stuff too. You know, to get a third or fourth point of view on things. I don't know. Whatever. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 02,March,2004 | I love driving in the car with the window down. The wind is all in my hair and it feels cool. I like to put my hand out and waggle in the wind. And I like driving too. And thats what I've been doing the past few days. I've been driving to work with the windows down because its been so nice outside. I love it. It makes me feel happy. In other news, nothing is really going on in my life. Sometimes I think that I have reached a point in my orchestratal career that I don't seem to be progressing anymore. I practice and practice but it doesn't seem to do anything. Or maybe I'm not concentrating. Oh well. Maybe a bit more practice would help. It couldn't hurt, right? This coming Sunday is my first Sunday off. Well, its because I'll be jobless on Sunday. But fortunately, unfortunately, I have that orchestra thingy art auction thingy. I'll be busy. And I just wanted to relax too. But I'll have fun playing and thats cool too. Maybe next weekend I'll be free and able to relax and such. I dunno, I had this nice thought-provoking post I wanted to post last night after I watched WonderBoys. That is such a good movie. But I forgot what I was going to put down. So whatever. It's gone to waste. And so has this space of the Internet. Yup, a waste of virtual space. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 25,April,2004 | Yesterday, while I was driving around town looking for people to talk to, I came upon Mrs. O'Brien. I had always thought that Kevin's mother was scary and that I will not have that much to talk to her about. You know, one of those feelings one gets from an adult that one isn't too sure of. She scared me as an overly sarcastic person as well as a critical person too. When she said once 'Oh, look at Dennis driving. Isn't he so cool?' it was weird. Also, whenever I needed a ride from any place in the past, I heard Kevin re-enact his mother with an exasperated tone such as 'Fine, we'll drive him home.' and I always felt like a burden and bad for not having a ride in the first place. But anyway, as I was travelling around, trying to get my little brother to sleep, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to give Kevin a visit. Well, Kevin was out with his father shopping or something and Mrs. O'brien and C.J. were the only ones home. C.J. was funny. Funny kid. Anyway, Mrs. O'brien inquired why I wasn't at the prom. Well, I've been telling people that I couldn't go because my parents weren't home. And I left it at that. Well, 'Where are your parents?' They were in California. 'Why?' My mother is going to work there for three months. My father just went over to help her get settled. 'Oh.' Yea, my mother has half a mind to move there. 'Oh, thats too bad. Dennis, you're not allowed to move.' Well, I told my mom that. If we do move then I'm not moving. I'm staying here because this is where my life is. 'I understand. I like it here too.' Blah blah blah. 'You know Dennis, if anything I think you'll have no trouble finding people to stay with if you parents move. I mean, it'll only be a few months as you're gonna just finish your high school year. I'm sure there are many people who would be happy to have you with them.' Yea, I might live with my Aunt if we do move although I don't like her that much. C.J. said something like, 'He could stay in our basement.' 'Yea, we just cleaned it out' said Mrs. O'brien. 'It'll only be for a few months. You're not allowed to move across the country.' Well, I said something about it being weird to live with my friends. The relationship with my friend once I move in with them would grow on a more personal level and some parts of that makes me uncomfortable. I barely have any personal relationship with my family as it is now, I don't know if I would be too willing to have a personal relationship with any of my friends. By which i mean, with all of my friends I have a good relationship. With some of them, I can trust them with my secrets and vice versa. But if I do live with them, I'm sure they'll know all of my secrets which makes me feel defenseless, you know? Its like when we were kids and we had a 'secret place' where no one knew about. Were our imaginary friends resided and we had all the time in the world to do whatever and catch bad guys. I think secrets are like this 'secret place'. Once I share it with someone, it'll no longer be a secret place. It'll be a shared place. Which is entirely different. But I'm sure it won't be too bad. I hope that didn't sound too offensive to anyone. Seriously. Anyway, I don't know if my mother would want to move anyway. I don't think she would. She likes this house too much. But what Mrs. O'brien said to me, it made me feel good and wanted. I had always had a kind of aversion to her, but now its almost completely gone and in its wake is the warmth of acceptence. Well, maybe not acceptence or anything like that, but its a nice feeling nonetheless. So I stopped worrying about the future. What will be will be. And if worse comes to worse, I'll have one good option to look into. I don't care what Kevin says, his mother has the final ruling. Ha. Other than that, nothing much. The book I'm reading right now is titled Complications by Atul Gawande. I have a feeling he's Indian. Anyway, its such an interesting book. You know how sometimes mystery novels or action novels make your heart race and you want to read as fast as possible to find out what happens? This book is like that only that its non-fiction. Dr. Gawande describes how his first day of Residence went. He had to place a line in a large aretery near the heart using a huge needle through the chest. The specifics aren't clear or understood by me but I got the general gist. Anyway, it was nerve wrecking for me but more so for him. He had to hold a large needle and drive it in a patient's chest and draw blood to confirm he was in the right place. He had no x-ray to guide him. He only had a demostration earlier. He utlimately failed and his supervisor took over. However, he does bring up a good point: Medicine is a Practice. Nothing in medicine is book regulated and perfect. Its mostly a guess then check. When a person is wheeled into an emergency room, the doctor doesn't have enough time to go to a text book and check what he should do. The doctor has to act now to stablize the patient then check to see if he did the right thing. If not, fix it or learn from it. A real good quote for doctors, especially surgeons: 'You can be wrong, but never be undecisive.' Although I'm not halfway through the book yet, it just confirms why I think Medicine is such a wonderful area. Its the action and the adrenaline that makes it so worthwhile. And its the gratitude of the patients that makes it sweet. I'll read more and tell you what I think. Thats all for now, I guess. I don't think I have anything more to say. Oh yea, I took $60 from my mother. I don't think she minds. She did ruin my Junior Prom night. I do love her though. My dad just remembered that I'm going out tomorrow night to see bands and he offered to pay for it. I told him that I already did years ago and he said he'll pay me back. I told him it was okay. I kinda felt guilty for taking out $60 from my mother, but I'm sure she knows already since I did tell her that I was going to. Hmm...whats a teenager to do with $60? Maybe I'll by some weed. Nah, maybe a good CD. Happy Trails. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 17,May,2004 | Try as I might, I have not expelled anything out of the rectum that is Xanga. After seeing High Fidelity with Charlotte, I have decided to create a list of my own. A list of worries. 1.) My social studies Final. What am I going to do? How will I do it? Where will I gather my research? These questions have plagued me so. But I think I have it down. I shouldn't worry so much about this, but since it is due in a week, I have put it as my number one concern for the moment. 2.) I guess I've beat this subject down to a bloody pulp, especially with Charlotte upon such matters, I have to jot this down incase I lose it. What will I get for my esteemed Matty. For a going away present. I presented him with my idea of getting him something. I asked him what he wanted or needed for his voyage to the known (as opposed to unknown). He took my suggestion and threw it away. We argued for some time. He did not want me to get him anything. And I'm a stubborn nice jerkface who cannot be told otherwise. 'Why are you fighting me?' and so forth, 'All I want are memories.' and the usual, 'I'll take your gift and give it back to you, I won't accept it.'. What am I to do? I have decided upon one article in my gift montage. Charlotte had told me to give him something special, something new, and something of mine.(actually, I don't know if Charlotte actually told me those things, but I will credit/blame her for them anyway. I have a lousy memory!) I already have the something special and something of mine, I just need the something new. And I think I have decided. I will buy him Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie . The reason for this is that our relationship is based upon the idea that we want to fly away to some place other than here. Bora Bora, to be exact. It's also based upon the principle that we shall never forget. Wendy never forgot Peter, I think. It's been too long since I've read the book, but I will buy it for him. In hardcover, if possible. Anyone want to take a trip to the mall with me? 3.) I need to get a job. My money is fast dwindling and pretty soon I will be left nothing but the money I need to spend on car insurance and various other payments. It seems my childhood has left me. An allusion to Peter Pan. 4.) My grades. I need to bring my English grades up. I don't know how to fix it. We don't get anything. I am mad at the lack of learning and the lack of chances. What will colleges think? That I slacked off in that class? I hope not. Because I have not had anything to slack off on! No matter, I find it ironic that I have an extremely good grade in Social Studies, Ms. Kobyrinski's class, in which I complain (used to anyway) about how boring and bad it is. How Ms. K did not teach, yet I enjoy that class more. Chemistry is okay. I cannot wait until next year when my interest in chemical and bioligical science is tested. Maybe not a concern but a growing point inside my mind. 5. ) I don't know. I had a good one here but I seem to have forgotten it. Fine, I'll give one of my general concerns. What will happen tomorrow? The day after that? What will I be like when I'm 25? 35? 45? Will I be happy? Or will I be dead? Who will I still see? Who will I lose forever, lost in the sea of memories in which I cannot be sure if they really had existed or not or that am I just a prisoner of illusions here in my padded cell. No matter. Life goes on. And one by one, I shall cross of each worry and smooth each wrinkle in my life until it is nothing short of perfection. Whenever that is. Happy Trails. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 07,May,2004 | Okay, first thing's first. Good bye Bioluminesence. Okay, next thing. Yesterday, celebration party for finishing the chem final. Yay. Here is the first picture. This one isn't really such a big surprise. Just Biscombe and Charlotte fighting. Which one is winning? I bet you its me. YES, IN THAT WAY. This isn't such a big surprise either. Lauren thinks she's cool. Too bad she doesn't eyes in the back of her head, that'll be way cooler, no? More fighting? Hey, you can kinda see part of Ryan in this picture. Hey, he does exist. They started doing each other's hair. This is Biscombe's famous hairdo done by the world famous Charlotte. Charlotte's famous hairdo done by Burly Biscombe? Done by the wonderful Becca, this is my hairdo. Of death. Pat's semi-weird fluffy hairdo. Err...sweet. I'm gonna leave you with the coolest picture I took all night. I have no idea how I did it. I think its that I took the camera away before it was done flashing or something. I want to recreate this but I guess it works better for artificial lights than natural light. Coolest picture...eva. Happy Trails. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 29,June,2004 | My father's birthday is on July 4th. I don't know what I am going to do for his birthday. I am not a real big birthday-supporter. Usually on my birthday, I try to lay as low as possible. I try not to let anyone notice that it's January 3rd. My parents know this now and just kinda acknowledge it. However, my friends make a big celebration out of it. Which is okay, but sometimes I would rather not. I don't know why. *shrugs* Soon, Matt is going to come over to my house. Our 2nd meeting, this is going to be interesting. 'we're going to do some hardcore discussing and joke-telling and xanga-reading ;-)' in his exact words. Which sounds cool. I am looking forward to the hardcore discussing. I would like to talk about these issues and get them over with. Or at least I want to see his reactions when I'm saying the things I say because I have not seen his facial real time reactions before. Concerning these things. Matt also invited me to his house. The date is unsure but I would like to have it on Monday since that would be more likely to happen. I would really want to go over to his house. You know what? I would really want to spend time with him anyway possible. Even if its doing something I hate. Because I know I wouldn't hate it so bad. I was really touched when he invited me. He started out by saying 'My parnets said I should invite someone over...' and I just thought, Yea, he's going to go on one of his thinking outloud sessions about his life making me feel jealous or bad. But it made me feel really good when he said that 'zenzen0K (10:53:32 PM): i'm assuming you wouldn't want to, considering it'd be driving and also meeting my family' and then, 'zenzen0K (10:55:05 PM): really? i would have just seen you. and while that in no way bothers me ;-), you would have to drive 45 minutes' and then 'zenzen0K (10:59:06 PM): since you'd be spending some of 4th of july weekend with me' He makes me feel really good. I didn't think I could go since that would be a far way driving and my parents are anti-far-ways. I asked him to come down and pick me up. Which i thought was asking too much so I don't know if this whole thing will be possible. I really hope so. This summer will be the best summer so far. I am lucky to know Matt. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 28,June,2004 | I am talking to Matt about this blogger. The reason that I set up this blogger was that I wanted a place where I didn't need to watch what I say. A place where I could post anything and not have anyone raise questions. Of course, in order to achieve this, I had to get rid of the very thing that made up a blog; the people who read it. Which is pretty ironic, I think. Anyway, I never privatized my entries or hid them. I never really hid this blogger from anyone, I just placed it somewhere where they don't look too well. Sometimes, I feel that it would be easier for my friends to find out about this blogger than it would to tell them. Meaning that the reason why a person has a secret is that they are too afraid to tell anyone. Well, certain secrets anyway. I am really scared at my friend's reactions to these rants about them. Some rants are anti-friends, anti-parents and whatnot. Maybe when they read this, it would be easier. I dont know. Anyway, Matt, when you do read this, I want you to know that I'm glad. As you can see, I don't have any (at least I don't think so) entries about how I am anti-you. When you pissed me off, I usually shrugged it off and sent you an e-mail. That was my blogger entry. It was. I didn't reach for my blogger when things turned ugly. I reached for my e-mail. I always thought that I wanted an open relationship with you. I could say anything I wanted and have it understood or at least accepted. Call me crazy. I am very glad that I had the chance to talk to you. I think that you shall please your partner very much so. Your partner is going to be very lucky and happy. Maybe if I'm lucky, I could be that partner someday. I will be very happy. And very lucky. But nevertheless, whatever the feature holds, I will be happy if you're happy. Thanks for everything. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 27,June,2004 | urlLink Matt's Livejournal. After our meeting yesterday we had a conversation about the topic that we have beaten to a bloody pulp. It was about our relationship. And its funny how both of us beat around the bush when we talk about it. I really don't have a clear picture of his feelings towards me. I never have the courage to ask. But I know my feelings towards him. Well, I think I do. But I never have the courage to say it. Maybe its an even-steven deal where I won't tell him in exact words how I feel until he tells me how he feels. I think I like him. I think he's one of the greatest people in the world that I have met. I really don't know why he still talks to me. He is so much better in almost everyway. He gets high SAT scores. He's going to Japan as an exchange student into one of the best Japanese schools. The Emporer went there. He has this and that. Yet, he still talks to me. And I think he still expresses ideas that he is interested in me. But why? He can find so many other people that are better than me. Richer, smarter, quicker, wittier, more awesome, better violinists, better conversationalist. Its weird how he still talks to me. For whatever reason. Or maybe he's doing this until he leaves and in which he'll never speak to me again. I don't know which would be worse; him not speaking to me now or him not speaking to me when he leaves. Both are pretty bad. I don't know. Its all very complicated. And sometimes I wish I didn't beat around the bush as much. Sometimes I wish I had enough courage to just dive to the heart of the matter and end it right then. The whole day that we spent together, I felt that I was being so boring. He said afterwards online that I was a different person in real life than I am online. I don't know if he was saying that he liked my online personality more or something else. All he has seen thus far is my online personality. This was the first time we met. And it was so scary. Stressful. Maybe we should meet again and talk about these issues in person. It'll be more stressful but things will be solved. What do I want? I don't know. Wha tdo I expect? I don't know. I don't know anything and that bothers me. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 06,June,2004 | urlLink Pictures of Biscombe's Going away Party. Today I went to the mall with Matt. It was hard to set up since we don't live so close to each other. We have planned this for a long time. It was good to see each other. Most of the time, we just walked around and chatted about stuff. It was funny. When Matt and I were walking in this one part of the mall, this Asian lady stopped me specifically and asked me for directions to a pizza place in the plaza. It was funny because she totally ignored Matt who was a white guy and went for me probably for my asian-ness. I guess Matt kinda felt weirded out by the whole thing. urlLink PICTURE. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 06,June,2004 | Friday, June 4th, 2004. Kevin, Charlotte, and I decided to reward ourselves with a most deserved early dismissal. We walked off the campus of our most prized high school using the awesome door in the orchestra room. And we drove to Kevin's house were we did the crappiest/dorkiest/dumbest/most enjoyable thing ever: We played scrabble. And had chocolate milk. And had stale tortilla chips. Afterwards, we went to my house, Kevin made plans to go to a concert. The train would not come. We waited for about thirty minutes. And so I decided to go on an adventure of awesome proportions. (teehee). I decided to drive Charlotte and Kevin to Philadelphia so that Kevin could attend his concert. Note: it was my first time into Philadelphia. Well, the trip went well. No hitches. It was easy, I'll say. And my two companions were treated to an enjoyable ride. Well, my rides are always enjoyable. Because I'm a fun driver. Although scary sometimes. The Trip Pictures And onward to the next section of Xanga Entry-ness. I shall copy both Lynne and Jemma and who ever else decided to do this. And I hope everyone else shall copy me. And so on and so forth. Charlotte: You're a cool buddy. Although sometimes I can be moody/jerky I appreciate that you didn't totally run out or stop speaking to me. You're a good conversation. You're good advice. And you're someone that I feel that I can relate to and spill most of my beans too. Kevin: You're pretty cool too. Although I didn't really start to talk to you until this year when we had that fateful 9th period together as well as those other classes together, I think that we get along pretty well. I like the conversations we have and the times we spent together. Most triumphant. Jemma: You're someone I look up to. You have many good qualities that I say 'Damn, I wish I had'. You showed me the meaning of sarcasm, playful namecalling as well as the feel of tough skin. Go far. You will. Lynne: I offically met you halfway through the school year. And at first when people were mentioning your name I had actually thought you as someone else with the same name. However, I soon discovered it was false. No matter, I think you're a pretty cool person too. I love to read your entries although most of the time, I don't have enough spunk to respond and comment. But no worries. Its good to meet someone with brains for once. You'll do well in your adventures. Ben: You're an interesting thinker. And I like that. It was fun getting to know you this year. And I know next year is going to be greater. Biscombe: I like your laughs. I like your 'jokes' and stories. You're an awesome person. Although you really don't seem it, you're the smartest person I know. Well, the smartest person I would like to know. (Greg doesn't count because he's an ass). Anyway, it has been a swell year with you. Maybe during the summer, we could do something together. Or play scrabble online. I'll be looking forward to it. Molly: How do warp engines work? Holodecks? I like our science conversations. Its awesome to know someone who can discuss nerdy/geeky stuff with. But thats not all you're known for. You're reasonable. You're hard working. I hope some of it rubs off on me. Especially the reasonable trait. :D Becca: You're smart. But more importantly, you have common sense. I know many people several times your age in which I respect less. (you're still ten, right?) Keep up the good work. Patty: You're the man. A great buddy as well as an awesome bash-thrower. Is there a more common sentence than 'Party at Pat's tonight'? More than that, you're funny. Which goes well. And thus, may your life contain many parties as you work towards your goal. I don't know anyone else. Well, maybe one more person. This person probably shaped this year the most for me. The most influencial. As much as I hate to admit it, my 'voice of reason' (major eye-rollage). Although he will probably never read this (since I don't plan on giving him my Xanga address), I have to add him to the list of awesome people. Matty: In quite possibly everyway possible, I love you. You're an asshole. You don't understand some of the stuff I put out. And I don't really understand the stuff you put out either. Sometimes I feel jealous of you. And I don't really believe why you would feel jealous of me. Your reasons for some stuff are quite 'out-there' and totally disagreeable. But you were there. You're a good conversationalist. You're always there to debunk an opinion and make me justify myself and my thinking, thus making me grow as a person. No longer am I the person with empty opinions. I have reasons for what I believe in. Thanks. Staying up late together and talking about whatever. I like the ultra-sappy mode you go into whenever you deem necessary, cheering me up. I hate you. I hate you for going away. I hate you for something which I can't and won't hate you for. Its a mixed feeling sort of deal. Maybe its for the best. Maybe our friendship will be tested. I hope that our bond will never be broken. But if it is, I'll have the memories. I guess. But it won't come to that, I'm sure. We're going to see each other again when all this 'college' business is over. And when we do, it will be good. We'll have ice cream. And go driving. *sigh*. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 03,June,2004 | Yea, I just got two e-mails saying that I've been accepted into two summer programs at LaSalle University. I'm really excited about those. I think this summer is going to be one of the better summers so far. Other than that, um...Matt's being an asshole. I think I'm going to not talk to him for the weekend. Then I'll see if he's still an asshole. I think it would be cool if he came begging for me to talk to him since he usually says I have interesting viewpoints on everything. And that I'm an awesome guy. He's an awesome guy too but its like talking to myself, I'm such an asshole. And he is too. Mood rings. Yup, thats what we need. Only manly ones. That are cool. Maybe we'll see Harry Potter, that looks like a cool movie. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 29,July,2004 | I think my parents should realize that I can be a lot worse. I can do drugs and smoke and be a very bad son. I do my homework, I work hard. Yes, I am lazy. Yes, I don't always study. But thats on me, not them. Well, what I want to say is that I can be a lot worse. But I'm not. So they should cut me some slack. I could wear all black and try to cut myself. I could bust a sag and listen to horrible music. I could just be really dumb. But I'm average. And I think thats okay most of the time. Of course, I do get dissappointed and sad when there's someone who is better than me at something which I care a lot about. But, thats life and I can't do anything about it, except work harder and try to be in their shoes someday. I was thinking, what if I was given the chance to take a glimpse at the future. Would I take it? And I think that I wouldn't. It would ruin the surprise. So I was thinking that what if I took a glimpse but then I forgot about it. So that my curiosity would be satisfied but the surprise still held? I think thats impossible. Since it could have happened already. Some stranger probably asked me one day in the past if I wanted to see my future. And I said yes. And it was a good/okay future. Happy and junk. But then afterwards he wiped my memory so the future would come true. But then I'm here now wondering. So it didn't work. I think what I really want is to be in that future. So that I couldn't make the future not happen. Since I'm already in it. You know? I want to know who I will end up with. Where I will live. What I will do? Stuff like that. But I guess I have to wait. Later. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 27,July,2004 | Today I called Mr. Laskey since he told me to call him on Monday at about 1:30 PM or so. Well, I called him at 2:10 PM because I was in the car with my parents and I didn't know when we were going to stop again. So I took out my cellphone and dialed his cellphone number. Well, when he picked up, he screamed and started yelling at something. I thought he was yelling at his kids or something. Something not so important. And there was silence. So I hung up. Later when we stopped at Target, I called him again and I was informed that he just got into a car accident. I felt so bad. I thought I had caused it. But he assured me it wasn't my fault. I just had really bad timing. I just called to check that Thursday was still okay. Last Thursday, I stayed extra long to make up for the previous Thursday's absense. The previous Thrusday, Mr. Laskey didn't show up. He said that he lost my phone number so he couldn't have called me. So there I was at the high school and I was free for an hour. So I decided to go to the auditorium and play. It was awesome. The acoustics in that room was steller. Last Thursday, Mr. Laskey introduced me to another scale. This time, I went into seventh position. Sigh. Its really high. When it gets that high, I have a hard time remembering the note names. The notes pretty much only get recognized by the finger I use to play them. I should work on that. Especially with half and whole steps. Laskey also advanced me on the Viotti piece. Its pretty good. The way I was playing it before was different that the way he told me to play it. He told me to use third position on the A string. Which I guess makes more sense. Although my fourth finger G is always out of tune. My fourth finger is always out of tune for any note. Biscombe came back. So she wants to have a get-together at her house on Friday. Of course I'm going. She's a cool kid. Plus, she said that she'll copy her calculus packet for me. Since I lost mine. While I was cleaning my room, I found the LIST OF THINGS TO DO that Charlotte and I made in sophomore year. I think that was the time when we talked the most. Last year, we barely had any classes together. But we were closer. Maybe this year, we'll be both more talkative and closer to each other. She's a cool kid too, although she makes me mad sometimes. Especially when she's moody or dealing with another problem with Kevin. Speaking of Kevin. He gets me so angry when he compares himself to other people. Like how he says he's not awesome anymore since he failed his driver's test. Pfft. I don't think anyone would care too much if he did fail. No one would think less of him. Maybe I'm insensitive. But thats all BS. 'Wow, PSAT score. How did I get that? I'm so dumb!' Shut up little fucker. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 20,July,2004 | Except visiting colleges is not fun. Today, I visited Rider University and College of New Jersey. Although the two schools I wasn't really interested in, it was fun to go around and tour them. I wasn't really impressed by Rider University. It was just bland and the cost of tuition was too much for something thats not so awesome. Its mainly a business school so sciences weren't the top priority. I took two pictures there. I wasn't interested at all. College of NJ was better. But not by much. The campus was great. The dorms were bigger. But again, nothing really interesting. I liked the study abroad program there. But its not too big. Meh, nothing interesting. La Salle business is over. Now, I'm just chilling. Its getting really boring here since I have no one intelligent to talk to. Matt hasn't e-mailed me back. Sigh. Other than that, I've just been e-mailing various people. College e-mail-ing. I have to e-mail biscombe and ask about her. Um, I'm studying. Yeah, I'm a dork. I think next year is going to be really stressful for me. Which is good because Junior year has been too easy. I got my class rank and junk today. 14/430. Good. 3.99 GPA. Hopefully all my honors and AP classes will bring my GPA up. Farewell. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 15,July,2004 | While I was online, I decided to visit my Xanga page and to check on my friend's Xanga pages and their updates. I mean, I really do care. hehe. Anyway, I see Kevin's page and it was very angsty. Apparently he failed his driver's test and was very bummed out about it. Sometimes I feel like that. You know, when all of my friends are able to do this the first time and pass and I can't I'll feel that I'm less of a person than they are. I'm not as awesome or cool as they are since I failed my first time. And I know how I hate people who just go and say 'Aww, you'll pass next time.' I damn straight will pass next time. No, I'm going to fail next time. Pfft. Anyway, I decided to comment and I thought about what he wanted to hear at that moment. Well, I didn't know but I gave a really good attempt. So I decided to curse him out. I mean, its different, right? Basically, I just told him that he will be the same person to me no matter what. That there are more important things to worry about other than some dumb driver's test. But I said those two sentences with a bit more energy. Mixing words like 'asswipe' and 'fuck' a few times. It was hard, I'm not used to cursing. Hehe. Other than that, today was my last day of forensics at La Salle. I liked working on the electron microscopes. I do wish the Professor will send pictures he took of the whole event soon. I could totally post them on my journals. Wednesday night, one of my neighbors decided to ring the door bell at 9:00 at night. It was really unexpected. She said that she had always looked across the street at our house and had always wanted to talk to us. But she didn't know how. So she decided to today. Or tonight. Wednesday night. Sure, whynot. She likes the artchitecture of the house. And stuff. Cool, I guess. A few minutes later, my next door neighbor knocked on our back door and announced that there was a family of skunks living under our shed. Right. Well, the next day, we investigated. Well, we didn't investigate too much because I was afraid of getting sprayed. But we didn't find anything. *Shrug*. Maybe they moved out. Cool beans. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 14,July,2004 | A song by the Chinkees. Sounds interesting. Anyway. I signed up for a Gmail account. I don't know why. Blogger offered and I decided that someday I might need it. So I should start now and get a good e-mail address before they all are taken up. It is at urlLink [email protected] . Forensics is fun. I thought I had something really pressing to say here. I like hanging out with the little posse that formed. This one guy is really nice looking. He does a really good George Bush impression. I have definately taken a liking to him. Today at lunch, we discussed gay marriage. His friend, Tom, had the same views as I did. Basically I am against gay marriage because I find that contradictary. Marriage is a religious ceremoney and I don't see how the state can have the power to either ban or allow gay marriages. It is up the the church to decide whether or not they will allow marriage. I think the state should only be able to allow civil unions. Civil unions between man-man, woman-woman, or man-woman. It doesn't matter because its not marriage. Marriage is left to the religion. Which is where it belongs. Tomorrow is the last day of forensics. Its also violin lesson day. Which I am dreading since I have not practiced. I've been so busy. Sigh. In a good way. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 11,July,2004 | Hehe, the first day without Matt for a while and I break down. I knew this would happen. I can't stand the thought of not having him there to talk to, especially now since he means so much more to me than ever. I logged online today and found an e-mail from him. I love getting e-mails from him. But unfortunately, this one wasn't filled with awesome metaphors and a good message. This e-mail was filled with two zipped conversations. From the very first to the most recent (and hopefully not the very last). Which I guess was nice. But I wanted a message from him. Sigh. 12 MB. Wow. Since June 17th, 2003. To July 10th, 2004. A year. And more. I told Amanda about us today. And that felt good. Anyway, about the Simpsons. Today, the episode was really touching and it made me tear up a little bit. It was about when Homer was a young kid. He was sent to camp where they made him work. At camp, Homer met this girl and they shared their first kiss under the stars. And after that, he didn't see her again. She was heart broken. And so was he. Well, it turns out that the girl was Marge. And so in the end, they did get back together again. Without knowing their previous romance. And I found that very touching. Its something I would want someday with Matt. But that road is filled with many many bad parts. Pain. And tears. But in the end, is it worth it? It is. Other than that, I'm randomly tearing up whenever I think of Matt and how he's moving away. Hopefully it'll get better. Soon. Also, I might be going away the two weeks he's home. Which is bad since the last time I saw him (yesterday) we didn't get any alone time. Which I need before he leaves. To have him hold me one last time. Lets hope this all works out. Hope. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 09,July,2004 | Today I got up at about 6:00 or so. I did go back to bed until 8:30 AM. I had a dream but I forgot about it. Probably wasn't important anyawy. Today I was to meet Erika at the Oaks Movie theater at 11:15. So I left at about 10:50 and I arrived early, actually. So she picked me up. And we chatted about biology and forensics and electron microscopes and whatnot. That was fun. She's in interesting person. I arrived at Matt's house early. Before everyone else, nearly. I just kinda stood there while his mother and Erika arranged stuff. I offered to help but there wasn't anything really for me to help. I did help bring up some beverages. I felt like a sore thumb. Like I didn't really belong. Which was partly true. I mean, I don't think I would have been invited if I had not had plans with Matt that needed to be broken. Sigh. His friends started arriving. They were cool people. There were a couple of silences which I didn't understand. They must be really good friends, I don't know how there were silences. There's almost never something like that with my friends. There's always constant conversations with my friends. But I guess people are different. I think the day was fun. Although it was getting bit old and overdone with meeting new people, these were good people to meet. I had a great time. I was kinda sad I didn't get any time alone with Matt but I think it was important for him to spend time with his friends and family. Since he is going away. Maybe I'll have time with him later. I hope so. I don't want this to be the last time we meet. I really like him. I want him to stay here so I can be with him more. I hate this. He is such an awesome guy. I don't want to let go. Heh, look at me, I have watery eyes. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 09,July,2004 | Yesterday night, I really wanted to talk to Matt since I wasn't feeling so chipper. But as I was telling him my problems, I didn't really feel that he was listening. Since his responses came a bit late or took a really long time to come. And I just didn't have the feeling that he was listening. Then I found out he was talking to Amy, who wasn't feeling so chipper either, and some other guy that he's going to Dorney Park with today. So I told him that I was going to bed. I didn't feel like staying up for no reason to talk and have a third of his attention. I did manage to tell him that I told Charlotte about us. And the whole 'Which side of the fence are you on?' sort of deal. I don't know. And people should stop pressuring me about it. Geeze, what difference does it make? If I want to find out, it would be for myself. Not for other people. So I left Matt since I think Amy's problems seem a bit more urgent or something. And I didn't want to deprive Amy of Matt's attention. Matt did, however, wave off that other guy. And I felt better. But I don't know. I wanted his full attention. And I guess if I didn't have his full attention, I didn't want it at all. Childish, I know. But thats how I felt. I hate it how he doesn't understand my situation at all. Even if I do get awesome test scores on the SAT's, SAT II's or whatever, I'm still not going to get into every college, or even my dream college. Money. Geeze, he makes it sound like its no big deal. I hate that. I hate talking to him about colleges. How his family is so well off that they really don't care what he studies in college. He can go anywhere, the only thing limiting him is his brain. I'm limited by a wallet. I hate that so much. 'Don't worry about that until later.' Fuck you. Anyway. Today was the last day of Forensics. And I am so glad. Danielle is seriously getting on my nerves. She's getting way too touchy-feely on me. I was complaining how it sucks to drive in a hot car and she comes over and says, 'What? Hot? You're hot? What?' like she didn't know what she was talking about. Lady, I feel your presence in my bubble. Stay out of my bubble. Stop freakin touching me. Other than the bubble-invading lady, today was okay. I liked getting to know the other people. And doing science work. It is like a full day of biochem lab or something. With smart people. Which is always a nice change. Group Picture. Matching La Salle t-shirts! Corny. Next week. Same thing. Only with electron microscopes. Awesome. I want to talk to matt today. Maybe today will be better. Maybe today, we'll have one of those conversations about whatever that I never want to end. But they always do. At 2:00 in the morning. I love those conversations. I am really going to miss them. Who will be my Matt-replacement? Whatever. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 08,July,2004 | Yesterday, Matt's father called me. Well, he called my dad's cellphone and there was much confusion. Whatever. It seems that his parents want to cancel the Philadelphia date/trip. For a surprise party. I was a little crushed by that. But I guess it'll do Matt some good. Since a lot of people will be coming. They, of course, invited me to that. And at first, I didn't really want to go. Since it'll be meeting new people and I have had enough new people for the week. I didn't feel like looking my best for any new people. But I think Matt would like it very much if I came. Of course, I can't tell him. Or ask him if I could/should come. Well, whatever. Today, when I was driving, his mom called my cellphone and said that I should call him to reschedule the Philadelphia trip to another time so that he doesn't suspect anything. I mean, it would be pretty bad if I just told him I couldn't go or something. Maybe he could read me. And I guess it'll be better if I stayed out of his way for sometime? I don't know. 11:15 AM, Oaks Movie Theater, I should be there so Erika, Matt's sister, could pick me up. Saturday. Matt's house. Surprise! |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 07,July,2004 | Yeah, the third day of Forensics at La Salle. Today, I am having more people interaction. I guess everyone is loosening up. And that could or could not be a good thing. I'm not in such a remembering mood now. But there was this retelling of a conversation after lunch. Some people are just so sheltered. Its not even that. Maybe sheltered isn't the right adjective. Some people are just ignorant of certain facts about sex. Sure, why would they care about them? I guess I'm just looking it at a curious person's point of view, but a person should know what goes on in the body of the opposite gender. I won't begin to tell you how sad it would be if they don't even know what is going on in their own body. So people were explaining to this girl about circumsizion. However you spell that. Anyway, they retell that conversation in front of me thinking that I will turn red or something. Instead, I turn slightly insulting in that I call the other girl sheltered. And turn around to really focus on the work. Since we were dealing with somewhat lethal chemicals, neurotoxins and whatnot. Somehow, a lot of people there think I'm a genius. Or really smart. Or they're just joking. Which is confusing but anyway. So we're doing the experiment and every so often, I wow they with random science facts. I guess they like that. Like the agarose gel. The enzyme for that is procured from seaweed. I think. Tch. I thought these people were smart. I told them my story about how I went to Condom Kingdom with my friends. Great adventures. Suddenly the sheltered girl just says 'Can we talk about something else?' which was kind of dumb since I wasn't really talking to her to begin with. So I go on a whole rant about how it'll do her good to hear about these things. And how she should go down to the ghetto to learn a few things. Its funny, cliques. They form. Which is a by product of the small group. I can't complain too much, the cliques sometimes interchange members. Everyone knows each other now. Insulting each other in a friendly way. *shrug* So I was measuring the lines from the standard protein samples from the electrophorisis test when someone behind me puts their hand on my shoulder. Actually, she has been doing that somewhat during the whole day. And its really bothering me. I hate it when people touch me for no apparent reason. Like a 'oh, how are you?' sort of thing. Damn, no one should touch me. Ever. Well, until I deem it necessary. But I don't want to be a stick and tell them off. I mean, its not like they know I don't like being touched. I just wish people will be less willing to touch other people. In fear of a stabbing, right. Just one more day. Just one more day. Just one more day. Crap, just one more day. whatever. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 07,July,2004 | Yesterday was the first day of a Forensics Seminar at La Salle University. I was pretty excited. But with the whole car-matt incident the day before, I was really tired. Extremely tired. My dad drove me to La Salle, explaining in detail about the route I am supposed to take since I will be driving myself the next days. Anyway, I found the building easy enough. And I enter. I waited in a lecture room and watching the people come in. I was dissappointed that there was no one from my school so I was the only one. Sitting alone. But there were a few people who were alone too. So we were alone, together. Kind of. I didn't have enough energy to socialize with people that early. So I just kind of sat there and thought about the day before. About Matt and stuff. I still can't believe that I have a boyfriend. It has been something I have wished about for the longest time. Well, not exactly. I had always wanted sexual relations with another guy. But I have always wished to have a person that understands me or at least tries to understand me. I want to be held and loved. I want a person that is there for me, who cares for me. And I think its an awesome thing that the person I have now is exactly what I wanted, as a boyfriend/lover and as a sexual partner. Except we don't have 'sex' which is okay by me. What we're doing now is fine. Anyway, the day starts. We are ushered into a lab room and I find out that there are an odd number of people there. So I volunteered to be in a group of three. So it was fine. The people there were nice. Somewhat smarter than the people I usually deal with. Which is great, actually. The lab we did on the first day was DNA spooling. I have done this before. But I guess it doesn't hurt to do it again. I was so tired, I couldn't really remember most of the day. Lunch was okay. All they gave us was a bottle of water. Whatever. Its funny to watch really social and outgoing people act. Maybe not funny, but interesting. But some of the partners in my group go to the same school so they already know each other. I was one of the new people. Which I didn't like that much. Much more work for me to get to know them. But I guess it wasn't too terribly hard. Conversations ranged from the weather to college to how boring this lab is. Jokes here and there. And away we go. I went home. My dad drove me. The route home was easier. Let's see how I do tomorrow (today). Yesterday night (July 6) I had a chance to talk to Matt. Which I wanted to for the whole day. So many things reminded me of him during the day. Like the spoolled DNA looks just like cum. And I couldn't help but think of him. It was weird. Anyway, we had the usual topics of what we did that day. Nothing new and interesting. And then we moved onto the topic of the e-mail he sent and the day before. I told him what he did 'wrong' and what he did 'right'. He made a good observation. He said that it seems that he is very hard to understand but very easy to please sexually. And I am somewhat easy to understand but very hard to please sexually. Like opposites. Its good. Although I was somewhat offended when he said I was somewhat easy to understand. I probably am, but I don't like to think of myself that. I like to think that I am very complicated. And I am. Not that many people would think that I would be a person that has a boyfriend. And not a lot of people know my secrets. Except for me. Then he said that it would be cool if I told him whenever I had an erection and he told me whenever he had an erection. Which I thought was a weird request. But I agreed. And I do admit, it was somewhat a turn on to know. But I would rather know in real life when he had an erection than over the Internet. Since I would be able to at least look at his crotch rather or maybe do something more rather than just imagine and remember how his cock felt. The conversation moved to my 'confession' of how I felt about him moving away. I said that I hated him for moving away. I hated the whole thing. I hated Japan. I hated him. Which is true. Mostly. But I know that he has no choice now. And it is very selfish to wish that he's not going away. I mean, he has an opportunity. And I want him to be happy. I might as well let him go. To fly. He and I then wondered if we will ever grow up to be married to each other. And I said that it is possible, but I'm afraid that someone else will take him away from me. And that makes me sad. I mean, who can resist such a good and awesome guy? I can't ask him to wait for me. I can't say 'Don't have any boyfriends. I want to have you.' Thats just selfish. But I want to. I am willing to ward off any permenant relationships just to be with him. But I can't ask him to do the same thing. I can only wish for it. Today, on the other hand. Today was better. I was more awake. And I knew the people kind of. Its weird how teenagers, I think, always are seeking for a relationship with some other teenager. Like all they can think of is sex. Or something. Which in my past entries is all I can think about too. But I keep it inside me. I don't actively go out and try to go out with people. But whatever. I guess I'm just being hypocritical. We did PCR, polymerase chain reaction. Its the stuff that they do in CSI. Which is cool. We did a lab where we solved a crime. It was easy and most of the time, we sat and chatted with each other. I think I have a somewhat strong aversion towards new frienships. Like I don't know the nature of them. This girl that I met there, Danielle, asked me to walk with her to the parking lot. I don't know. Maybe I'm just very interesting. And she wants to know me better. But I guess its cool that I can say 'Yeah, I'm taken.' I just won't say by who, of any gender. How do you feminize Matt? Mabel? Whatever. I think a simple 'Yeah, I'm taken' is enough. I hope people never ask too much. At least during the summer. Because after the summer, I'm no longer taken. Which would be a sad change. But enough of that. Drove home today. Traffic is scary. People are stressed and it is so hot outside. I love driving with classical music on. It feels like some movie experience with an awesome soundtrack. I made it home okay. I tried to lay down and sleep but the house prevented me. Maybe I'll try again. Speaking of trying again. I still haven't masturbated. Maybe I'll try that again. When I came home from Matt's, I couldn't cum either. Maybe I can now. I hope someday, Matt can give me the best cum I've ever had. Sorry for being graphic. But I guess this is a blog, somewhat into my personal life. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 05,July,2004 | Today I went to Matt's house. I was very nervous because I had gotten the impression that Matt's parents were going to interrogate me. About DC which I have not been to. But I have. I don't know. I drove to the King O' Prussia mall at about 9:30 AM. I waited a bit. And I saw Matt there so I got out of my car and walked to him. We had planned to do something before we finally were set to go to his house. He called his mom and said that I was going to be late. So we had thirty minutes to ourselves. Which was awesome. We drove to the top of the parking lot thing and parked in a corner hopefully away from everyone. And just kissed. It felt so good. And his hands felt so good. After that, we drove to his house. It was a half an hour ride. Through the country. Which looked really nice. I liked it. I got really disoriented because of all the turns. But his neighborhood is nice. Nice big houses. Peaceful. Quiet. Good place for a family. His house is nice too. Nice pool. His parents weren't that bad. They weren't that scary once the introductions were over. His sister was cool too. It was very normal. And I like that. We played some DDR. This would be my second time. And I totally suck. But Matt's really good. Really really good. And it was funny/awesome to watch him play and jump. I'm just clumsy. But I guess if I had more practice, I could get better. For lunch, I had some stuff from the local take-out place. BBQ stuff. Which was awesome. Afterwards, we played some video games. That was fun for a while. Then we went down and went swimming. That was also fun for a while. Then we went upstairs again. And watched three good funny episodes of the Simpsons. That was fun. We kept sneaking ticklings between us. And random holding of hands. But nothing really too serious since his family was still there. But it was fun. And I liked it anyway. And then it was time to go. Which I didn't like. But I guess good times had to end sometime. We drove to the mall again. And we decided to give the whole thing another try. So we went up to the top floor of the parking lot again and parked somewhere where people wouldn't notice. And he put the sun shades up. And then we went into the back seat. It was way too small and cramped. So we both couldn't stimulate each other at the same time. So I decided to stimulate him first. I reached down into his pants while he was on the bottom and I was on top. I don't want to sound shallow, but his penis was really big. I wasn't really surprised as much as I was happy. So I had an idea. I asked him if he felt comfortable if I gave him a blow job. And he agreed. It was so nerve wrecking. I didn't know what to do, exactly. I took his penis and went for the head. And as I grew more and more comfortable, I pushed deeper and deeper in. He tasted really good. And I could taste his precum. Lots of it. I deepthroated him the best I could since it was my first time and all. And I guess he liked that a lot. His hands touched me all over and that felt good. And I felt that he liked it. Pretty soon, he was close. And then, he blew. Inside my mouth. And it was so good. Tasted awesome. I still had some in my mouth so I came up and kissed him. Sigh. Good. But it was my turn. And I guess I had inhibitions and stuff when my time came. He was so gentle. He took mine into his mouth. Up and down. And it felt so good. But at the same time, it was weird. I guess he pulled my foreskin too far back. And my head is really sensitive. So thats why it felt weird. And maybe the location was weird. And it made me feel weird. Doing it in the car. I guess I'm not a car person. So I told him to stop and I told him to just give me a hand job. Which I was fine with. And I got really close a couple of times. But he just went to fast. Which I didn't like that much. And it washed away the goodness. Maybe if we do it next time, I'll give him better tips on how to get me off. But in the end, I didn't cum. At all. He said I had some precum. Which is a good sign since I would have to be really really horny to get precum. I told him to write me an e-mail while he was away. Well, I sorta 'talked' to him, having a one way conversation since he was away and all. Passed out, it seems. Anyway, I just told him that it wasn't his fault. It was probably my fault. It was probably the location. Or something. I still felt bad about it. But I didn't want him to feel bad at about it. I'm still kinda jealous that he got to cum and I didn't. But I guess, oh well. In the e-mail, he echoed what I said in the one way conversation. I said that I had a small voice saying 'Maybe this isn't right.' and another voice saying, 'But Matt is right for me.'. Conflicting and all. He agreed that maybe this wasn't the right thing to do. That we're moving to fast to something important and at the same time, lowering our standards of what is important. What is important? I don't know. I like him a lot. I want to be with him. All the time. I want to live in an apartment with him washing dishes and putting them away. I want to hold him and kiss him. And rub the side of his face for the stubble. I like to rub my hair against him since he likes that. And rub my legs between his. I like to kiss his neck. And smell him. And kiss him. And I guess the important thing is to spend as much time together as possible. Because pretty soon, he's leaving. For a long time. But at the same time, I want to do as much stuff with him as possible. Because I like him. A lot. A lot. I don't know. Maybe its my biology and sex drive kicking in. But where the hell was my sex drive in the car? I don't know. Right now, it is important that I talk to him. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 04,July,2004 | Last night, I was too emotionally charged to write an entry. But I might be better now. I couldn't stop thinking about what I have with Matt now. Its all I think about. Well, mostly. Yesterday I went to the beach. This means that I have a long two hour or so drive in the car. In my own little world. Thinking. About Matt, mostly. And I had so many questions I wanted to ask him. So I wanted to go home as soon as possible. When I got home, I talked to him about it. 1.) When we were kissing and you reached down to my crotch. How far does this go? Or how far can, will it go? I was actually a bit dissappointed by his answer but I knew it probably was for the best. He said that he didn't want to mark us for each other. Meaning that once we do it with one another, all future engagements will be compared to the first time we had. And those future engagements will lose meaning. And he doesn't want that. He doesn't want that for me or himself. I argued with him that it won't be so for me. But in any relationship, it takes two. And I certainly don't want him to feel bad. And I don't want to ruin it for him. Maybe when we're older. Let's just have fun now. Not sex. Just fun. 2.) What is this exactly? A summer fling or a relationship? Are you my boyfriend? This is actually a serious question. I didn't know what to think. I mean, words were exchanged but sometimes we have a way of beating around the bush and not realize it. I wanted the words in plain english. Is he my boyfriend? And as you can tell by my previous post, he was. This is a relationship. Which is good. Because I know what to call him now. I mean, I won't call him, 'So, boyfriend, whats up?' but I know that I am 'Taken' and not single anymore. Which is a good feeling. 3.) There was a sentence in your Livejournal post about me. 'I mean, I spent so much time thinking about us. Being with him always seemed like it was a possibility.' What did this mean, exactly? I really liked his answer on this. He said that he had a mental image once of the two of us in an apartment putting dishes away together. And that mental image sounds so good. Its probably immature to say this since I haven't actually started my dating life in this area but I feel the same way. I could see myself living with him. For a good deal of my life. A really good part of my life. All the other questions were small. Besides, I can't remember them anyway. Those three were the big three questions I had. So I spent most of the thinking of stuff and having those questions burn within me and I spent the other times re-living my memories with him. My only memories so far. Of us kissing and feeling. So vividly. He smelled and tasted so good. Sigh. We then moved on to other topics. I let him have the mic and get off anything he had in mind. His parents want to meet me. Its tough having to lie to our parents about each other. Its sad that society doesn't accept this. I really hope it changes someday. We talked and talked. And it came as a big surprise for me when the subject turned to sex. And I thought it would be weird to talk about that with him. Well, the topic wasn't sex. It was more phsyical stuff. I don't know, the subject wasn't on having sex. It was on sex talk, if that makes sense. Like, 'Do you precum?' and the likes. And it was great having that conversation. It makes me at ease. And it gave me a lot of background information that I can use later. I know I probably can't control myself the next time I see him knowing the things I know now. About his body. It makes me crazy and anxious. Today, I talked to my parents about him. And I think they generally, genuinely like him. More than my other friends. They said he's nicer. Which is true. But they don't know about that. Haha. I told them about his ability to speak Japanese and the neat stuff he can do and they were impressed. They're all for me doing stuff with him. Like go to Philadelphia and all. Which is nice. But I'm not too thrilled that I'm taking the bus to the King of Prussia mall. I want to drive to his house. I might try to persuade my parents to let me drive to the King of Prussia mall and park the car there in the shade. But then I'll just take the car and meet him there, have him park the car and take him to King of Prussia. Although, if he doesn't like that, then I won't. Its his call. He's in command. Which is so hawt. He wears boxer briefs. *swoon* I can't wait to see him tomorrow, however way I'm getting there. I am going to be tired going home, I know that. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 03,July,2004 | I have a boyfriend. My first boyfriend. sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 02,July,2004 | Today was probably the most awesome day I have ever had. And that's saying a lot. Matt came over. Earlier than we planned which surprised me and caught me off guard. We planned to do Xanga reading. Which I thought would last longer than it did. It only lasted a few minutes. Ten or so. I didn't have that many Xanga (Xunga) entries about him that were too interesting. Unlike here. When we were done, it was kinda awkward. I was so nervous and I felt embarrassed kinda to have him in my room. I don't know. A room is where a person goes to get away from it all. And its weird. In a good way. A totally good way. I tried to show him stuff in my room. Which was fun. We then decided to go to the farm park to do some hardcore discussion. Which I was also nervous about. We arrived, he drove. We sat on a park bench. And it was silent. This is the bad part, actually. The worst part of the day. You know how people believe in karma? How for there to be good there will have to be equal? Newton? Keep that in mind. Anyway. It seems that we switched sides. I said that I no longer thought it was so wise to get involved in anything. And he thought it would be cool to get involved in something. And that was where there was a silence. Friction. Which I felt bad about. I mean, I have always wanted to be something with him. And he has always been anti-that. Which I sorta accepted. So I expected him to be firm on his beliefs. I mean, thats what I predicted. And he would agree with me since I took so much time to try to change my point of view. Painfully. But it wasn't like that. At all. And he was sad. I hated that smile he has when he's dissappointed. And he kinda pouts and acts weird. Which is very bad. Bad. I guess now that I think about it, I really wanted to be sure that I wanted something with him. I thought that if I had 'tested' this out, to see if Matt really wanted and felt strongly about wanting a relationship. I certainly didn't want just a fling or a 'sex' buddy. Even if we're not going all the way. You know? Its like, I intended to say the complete opposite of what he was saying. Because I wasn't sure of many things. I wasn't sure of how much he wanted a relationship. I wasn't sure of how much he felt for me. I wasn't sure of all that. But it showed that he felt a lot of about me. And he wanted this relationship badly. Proof. His face was so sad and dissappointed. Like he couldn't have something good. And that showed to me that he really really wanted this relationship. However, at the same time, he didn't force me at all. He accepted what I had to say and cares about me enough to trust me to make my own decision. He cared about me enough to suppress his feelings and act 'okay' which i felt was really sweet. Although painful. Matt, if you're reading this. Well, when you read this, I have to say that I am very sorry what I had put you through. I just didn't know you well enough. Well, I did but I didn't. Strange, huh? Well, our relationship is strange. I am sorry for making you sad. I am sorry for crushing you. But I had to do it to be sure. We had to look at the bad side of things, at the 'No' before the 'Yes.' and that was essentially what I was doing. Although I didn't clue you in on it. I just felt that maybe if I told you, you would act differently. But I see that you really wanted this bad and that you really care about me. And I appreciate that a lot. I have no problem seeing myself in your arms for the rest of my life. No problem at all. Anyway... We went to the mall. Plymouth Meeting. To look for mood rings. We found some. But they didn't have the correct sizes and the correct style. I mean, they had my size but they didn't have matching styles for the both of us. So close yet so far. But all the while at the mall, Matt was sad and smiling. Which I didn't like. I wanted to hold him. Or have him hold me. Or something. To make things better for him. I care about him a lot. We had pizza. I said he had nice eyes. Which made him uncomfortable. Well, he was staring at me. And I had no choice but to look into his eyes. And he really did have awesome eyes. I could stare into them all day. And by this time, I was thinking that maybe something with this guy wasn't so bad. Not so bad at all. We got into the car to go home. And I just let it all out. Forget what I said. Forget I said that it wouldn't be so wise to be anything. We're going to get hurt anyway. Which was his reasoning. If its going to hurt anyway, why not? But I didn't like that. Not really. I wanted something. I wanted something. I made him promise that we can break this off when he leaves and we can 'resume' it later. I made him promise. We can resume it. Later. Which was what I wanted. You see, at first, I wanted to wait until we were older. I still do. But I want something now too. And it was the best of both worlds for me. And hopefully him too. Well, he accepted. And he took my hand. And it was good. Karma. For you. I love you Newton. He was so happy. Which made me happy. I was also happy because I had an awesome guy. I had him. And I was so happy. It just cannot describe it. Beyond Happiness. Beyond. We went back home and we talked. Unfortunately, we couldn't hold hands or anything. It was my house. We made a list of the things we should do in the future. And we got to number 10 until we decided to take a break and read those hypothetical questions from a book I have. And that was fun. My parents left so I had to wait until my parents returned until I can go somewhere more alone with Matty. And that came in due time. We decided to go to a park near my house. Walking. We sat near a stream. And it was silent too. But a good silence. I like this silence. It was awkward since you know, we're together then. 'Officially' but I didn't know what to do. I was nervous. Flushed with tons of emotions and feelings. Eventually we started to talk and have a good conversation. We moved closer. Held hands. Hugged. I love his stubble on his chin and side of the face. I love that. So much. So much. And we just turned our heads. And kissed. It was so awesome. And it was everything I wanted. He tasted awesome. And good. And awesome. And his hand reached down to my crotch. Although I wanted that a lot. I didn't think it was so appropiate at that very time. I mean, it was public. I wanted him to touch me. And it felt good when he did. It felt awesome. But sometimes you just gotta say no. In a nice way. We will do that in privacy next time. We will. And he understood that. I knew he had an erection. I wanted to reach there too. You know. To feel. But maybe in private. No. We will do it in private. Touching. Sweetness. karma. Too much goodness. I really want to go to his house on Monday. Maybe I will. My parents liked him. Which was good. They said he seemed nicer than all my other friends. Which was good. I love his chin and his side of the face. Um, he seems to have a better recollection of things. I mean, yes, I do remember everything that goes on. And I did leave a few things out. Like getting scared when people walked by our spot where we were sitting very suspicously close together. But I didn't think that was too important. Maybe I'll add on more someday. Anyway, onto a discussion. I think its awesome that we have a relationship. Its amazing. I wanted this for so long. And I finally have it. However, its a bit weird since we're both guys and I don't know who has the role of what. I guess we just take turns. But I will tell him that I do not want him to call me 'Baby' or anything. I mean, 'Honey' is border line. But I don't want a 'Hey Baby' everytime I sign on. I don't. It just feels weird. I like guys because they're guys. I don't like guys because of cocks, although it is a very good bonus. I want him to be as natural to me as possible. You know? Although I love sappy stuff. I like that mushy stuff I don't like to be called 'baby' or 'doll' or 'sugar' or anything. That is it for this particular subject. Okay. Next. I don't know if I love him. I really really really like him. And as time goes by, I'll think about the rest. Or maybe I shouldn't. Since it will end. I am sure. When he leaves. Maybe I'll like him now and love him later. That seems like an awesome plan. As long as I get to spend more time with him. And kiss. And feel his face. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 01,July,2004 | Yesterday evening wasn't my best evening in a while. So I guess thats a good thing. But it was a bad evening nonetheless. My mother decided to take the family to see Spiderman 2. At 9:00 PM. And I was positive (or at least hoping so) that the shows opening day were all sold out. So that I didn't have to see such a horrid movie. But one show was not sold out! YES. One show. At 10:30. So we had to wait until 10:30 when we arrived at about 9:15 PM. It was so boring. And dumb. I hate going to see the movies at night. Because thats when people go on dates. And people on dates have the one thing I don't; a date. So I usually avoid seeing movies at night. I usually see movies during the day. When there's only old people and bored people. Which is me. Kinda. So anyway, here I was with my family trying not to look related to them. And complaining. I know I shouldn't have complained because I wanted to be on their good side. I know I should have kept my mouth shut and smiled. Better to not say anything than to say something, right? But I just couldn't help it. Its my character to speak out. Which pissed my parents off. A lot. At the last moment, I just clamped my mouth down. Fine. I will like this movie. I will. The movie wasn't that good. I don't have much interest in comic-to-big screen movies at all. I don't have much interest in comics in the first place. Except for the Sunday Comics. Anyway. My mind was elswhere the whole movie. But I do have to say that Tobey Mcguire is one good looking guy. I just melt with his smile. Its so happy and boyish. Like he's geniunely happy. Nothing could take his happiness away. And its good that he has a nice body to go with it. (shallow-ness is over) This morning was better. I think my mom was a bit pissed off at me this morning still. But I guess I used my personality and talking skills to calm her down. Today we went to Philadelphia. Which is semi-fun. I hate my weak stomach. I had a stomach ache the whole morning. I think its partly due to my semi-lactose intolerance. Whatever. We had lunch in a resturant. I find it nice that I can recognize people there. And they recognize me. Well, more so my father. Connections, baby. We then went on a quest to buy some incenses. Or however you spell that. We went to this supermarket on Washington Blvd. My father and I spent some time looking at the music they had for sale in a small shop that was part of the whole supermarket. That was fun. My father and I were watching a Karoke video of some chinese singer. It was cool that it both had chinese characters and vietnamese words on it. I guess it was a dual language thing. Which I thought was cool. And the music wasn't that bad. I was also looking at some knick knacks that I could get for Matt but decided not to. It wasn't worth it. When we were leaving, my mom said that if I wanted those small knick knacks I should go to California. It would be cheaper and the stuff there is better. So I asked her if I can go to California since she had expressed that in the past I would be able to go on the plane alone and junk. Which would be awesome. My mom totally said that that scenario is possible. But I would have to travel with my brothers which isn't the worst thing in the world. I would live with my aunts. That too isn't the worst thing in the world. And I would have access to a lot of the sources of my little knick knacks. Which is cool. And plus, its traveling. Its something to do. I hope I do get to go. It is so boring here. What else? Hmm...I think the 75% tuition to Uni of Penn is something of a dream now. Like its probably not going to happen. Since my mom would have to work there for three years before the promise came into effect. Which sucks because I would have been so happy to go to the Uni of Penn. It's a huge dissappointment. A really big dissappointment. If I got in anyway. Hmm...maybe I can visit Hawaii when I'm in California. I have family there too. That would be cool. That's about it. I'm getting ready to go to violin lessons with Laskey. 6:30. I have plenty of time. Doing what? Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 11,August,2004 | Since I cannot access the Internet right now, I shall write this here. And I will paste it. Today Charlotte came over during the evening. It was a much needed break from the regular everyday stuff. Although I have had contact with people people, I love being with Charlotte because she makes me happy. Charlotte came over after dinner and the two of us walked to the park to the very same place where Matt and I shared our first kiss. Our first date together. Along the way, I told her the story. Of course, I had already told her most of it online. But this time, I wanted to tell it in person to a real person. And she was a great listener. She says she is happy that we are together. And I like that. She feels bad that she can't meet Matt. And I feel bad too. She's leaving again on Thursday. Everyone is leaving. And I am left here. Of course we talked about other things. We can never run out of things to tell each other. Even when we are silent, I feel like I am experiencing her too. Words without sound, I guess. To sound poetic. She talked about this guy that she barely knew at her place that she works at in Gettysburg. How she always admired him and had a little crush on him. And how she felt so bad when she didn't know what to say to him until after he left. He is leaving for Missouri. And she feels bad because she didn't have anytime to know him. His full name, nonetheless. And in a way, I know that feeling. To have someone leave before they know or before I know what is really going on. She always talked about how her mother looks down on people sometimes. I had always thought her mother to be good. But I guess everyone has a bit of black on them. Charlotte's mom sometimes talks about people behind their backs. Or thinks she is better than them. Which could be true, I'm not doubting. But sometimes, modesty works. We discussed destiny. I am reading a Buddhist book on ways to change destiny. LiaoFan. It's very interesting. Ordinary people are destined to have what they have. It's no use to fight or pursue anything with great vigor because they are destined to have that in the end. However, enlightened people let go of their attachments and truely gain what they want even if it doesn't fit into their destiny. They gain both spiritually and worldly. 'Riches to last ten generations'. Do good deeds and everything will be good. I like talking to her. There is a small group of people who I like to talk to about a lot of things. Matt, Charlotte, Kevin. I can't think of anyone else. Those people always intrigue me and I feel like I can say anything I want to them. It's a good feeling. Wow, the place that Matt and I sat for the first time together is so beautiful. Willow tree and a stream right by. Its so peaceful. I love it. Afterwards, Charlotte suggested that we go to see the Village. To the theaters. Sure, why not. I like to spend time with her. She's a wonderful person. We tried to call Matt Quaglia. But he couldn't go, his parents were out of town. And we tried to get Alex Manzi to come with us but he wasn't home. So it was just Charlotte and me. I liked it better that way. I could talk about things more openly. I had a free movie ticket thing so I didn't have to pay. But I drove us there. I paid for the drink. The popcorn was free too. Which was cool. I saw Izzy there. He works at the movie theaters. I don't know if he still considers me a good friend. We are so different now, its sad. We used to be best friends back in kindergarten. I don't know how two people could change that much. But I guess its possible. Sadly. I hope my friends right now, I hope I don't grow far apart from them. Especially with Matt and Charlotte. The movie was awesome. Somewhat scary. Suspenceful. It is way better than Signs. I did not like Signs at all. And some of the scenes in the movie was gorgeous. Picturesque. If thats how you spell it. The thing I loved the most was the music. The violin was awesome. And the solo violin accompanyed by the small orchestra really fit the mood of the movie. It was so natural that a violin would be playing during some scenes. I had wanted to see this movie with Matt. But I don't think spending two hours staring at a movie screen was the best way to spend our last two hours together. I wonder how he is. I wonder if he wonders about me. At the place where Matt and I were together first, in the park, Charlotte gave me a green bag with a pink rock in it. I forgot what the rock was called. But it symbolyzed love and was for people who will/was/are going through tremendous hardships. And she said that once Matt leaves, I would need all the good luck I can get. I think, right now, that when Matt leaves, I would not be so much as sad, but as silent. I don't think I will cry. Or be sad. It is sad that I have given up a lot of my emotions. Well, not give them up, but learned to hide them so well. And only in my solitude that I can express them. To myself. And always to myself. But this time, I won't express sadness in the form of tears, I will express sadness in a smile. That I will carry with me. Maybe I'm an ordinary person and my destiny will guide me to my destination. Maybe I'm an ordinary person in which all actions to change my destiny will be ultimately futile. I wish not. Because I wish to see Matt again. But then if my destiny is to end up with Matt, then I wish badly to be an ordinary person so that my destiny carry me safely. Matt. To you, I want to say this. You have made me happy. You have caused me to shed tears, as I am doing right now, at this very moment. You have made me angry. You have made me feel emotions I never expected to feel. I thank you. I don't know if I have been so potent on you. I don't know if I had been powerful enough to stir strong emotions from you. But it doesn't matter. You will always be right here, in my heart. Some part in my heart. In so many days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes, we can be reunited. And then we can have all the time in the world to do whatever. Like wash dishes. I don't know what to say, really. I want to say something. But what? Maybe in my silence, words will appear. Maybe by my past actions, paragraphs will form in your head of my gratitude, my happiness, and my sorrow. The Wall is almost complete. Take my hand and we will climb one last time. After which, only cracks in the wall will we see each other. But time will pass and the wall will crumble. And we shall be able to hold each other's hands once again. And the world shall be ours. To enjoy. Geeze, my eyes are watery. And my nose runny. Must be the dust in here. Sigh. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 10,August,2004 | I just got an e-mail from Matt today. He is at home but his sleeping schedule has been erradic and he has yet to see me online due to the time (or lack of) he has spent online. Visiting people and doing this and that before he leaves. And I totally understand that. I had expected this, although I wished it never came true. I'm having mixed feelings. I feel angry at him for not sending me an e-mail when he got back. I feel angry at him for not calling me when he was over there. Or anything at all. There was no contact and I am afraid that it will be like this when he really does go over to Japan for good. Yet, I feel happy that I did recieve an e-mail from him. But at the same time, it feels like I'm being squeezed into a time slot. An appointment for him. I want to act selfish and request special attention but that would just be bratty. He said that maybe he could squeeze me in for a movie or something. But not for the whole day. I guess I'll settle. Thats all I can do. A movie? Which movie? We can never agree on any kind of movie. I had wanted to spend the whole day with him so I can spend some time with him on my bed. Because we always wanted to do that. It'll be romantic and fun. But I guess not. If we were to do anything, it'll be in the car again. I want to do something. But then again, I don't. It is the last time we are going to see each other again in our teenage years. What is appropiate? I don't think I want Charlotte to come with us. But I want her to meet Matt. I think that once she does, she'll know more about me. Since no one really knows that much about me, I want her to be one of the first to get to know the real me. And to meet Matt. But then again, its our last meeting. Is it wise to invite another person? I don't think so. But I'm torn nonetheless. Whatever. |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 06,August,2004 | Hm, maybe he's busy. Or tired. Time diferences, I'm sure. Maybe he has more orientation classes or something. I don't know. I have not heard a word from Matt. I thought he would at least e-mail or something. Or maybe update his journal. But nothing. And I don't know what's going on. What to do. Sigh. Is he going to dissappear? To just leave me? It sounds like a beginning of an emo song. A really gay one. Other than that, Target sent home a card saying that they have reviewed my application and will contact me when they need me. Meaning that there's no more spots open, I guess. All of my old bosses have moved on so I don't have any high contacts anymore. I applied at Old Navy too. I finally got my application for the volunteer position at Suburban hospital. Shrug. Yesterday was the first day that I had ever mowed my lawn. It wasn't that hard. Especially with the tractor. It was kinda fun. It was more fun because my parents weren't home. No one was home except for me. And I liked it that way. I am definately not going to stay home for college. No way. Temple seems like a nice place. Populated. I want to do something with other people. I'm sick at staying at home. And I had hoped I could do something with Matt. Just one more week that he's supposed to be here. Maybe I won't see him ever again. Or hear from him ever again. Right now, it really doesn't matter. I had good memories. I wanted more memories. But I guess I can't ask for too much. What should I do? What is my next step? Will someone please comfort me? |
2,908,515 | male | 17 | Student | Capricorn | 03,August,2004 | Right now, I can't sleep. I'm just thinking too much, I guess. As pathetic as it sounds, I can't wait until Matt comes home so I can talk to him. Just to chat. I don't know what I'll do when he really leaves. Sigh. He'll be home on the 4th of August. I was just thinking about when I will be able to see him again. I hope soon. I got into an argument with my parents about colleges. It seems that they want to send me to MONCO for two years, then I can transfer to a real college after that. I don't know, but the thought of living with my parents for another two years isn't very appealing to me. If I do live with them, it means I won't have a life at all. I won't be able to date. Its not like I'll be making any college friends since I won't be in college. I'll be at MONCO. My mom says I don't volunteer enough. Maybe I don't. But I do volunteer. I do orchestra 'gigs'. I tutor people. I help people in school. I play for old people. I play for dinner parties. Thats good. But I guess I'll have to do more. So today I called the Montgomery County Cancer place or whatnot on Powell Street. I actually want to volunteer there. Maybe it'll make my mom happy and me happy at the same time. Which would be awesome. I plan on calling Target tomorrow and see if I can get my old position back as cashier. Whoo. Except not. I really don't want to work there. But I have to make sacrifices inorder to do certain things. So I guess I must. Two six hour days and one eight hour day. Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Twenty hours a week. I think that will be good. A bit too much. But I can handle it. It'll being in good money. About $300 before taxes for every two weeks. I can finally buy stuff again. But I mustn't get ahead of myself. I have to call first. And see if they're hiring this time. I hope they do. Sigh. I really don't want to work there. I wish there was some other place to work. That pays just as well. And is easy to get. Sigh. |
3,493,680 | female | 26 | indUnk | Pisces | 27,July,2004 | the comment was made that it would be a waste for me to abandon this blog. that's true, it is. it's been a good source for defending myself. but apparently it is taken so seriously by some people that they chose to get in their car, drive to lowe's, and interrupt dan while he's working to find out if he's okay. guys, dan chooses not to get involved with this blog nonsense for a reason. he can take care of himself. that's the reason that, if i do choose to post, they will be either impersonal or few and far between. today is also my last day in my apartment. the reason makes me sad, but i won't discuss it here out of respect (and yes, i do respect you in that aspect) for the other person involved. there are a few things i want to say before i sign off for awhile..... danielle smith--i know you got back from france today. i hope you had a good time and that you and ray were able to work some things out. i'm happy right now and i honestly hope that you are too. i have chosen to create this blog in order to make sure both sides of the 'break-up story' were told. it was not created to lash out at anyone, including you. i've learned a very valuable lesson in the last couple of weeks....sometimes you have to let things go. i understand that you might have an opinion as to what is happening on these blogs. you know my email address and eric's if you have a comment. you and i have had our share of fights this year. we both know that i have never made a comment on your blog or ray's....or said anything spiteful or hateful about you on a blog anywhere else. we also both know that i have never responded on the blogs to anything that you have said about me. i'm politely asking you to do the same for me now. we've all been through enough. dani darling--i just wanted you to know that i never once discouraged eric from being your friend. he will tell you that himself. he showed me the blogs that you wrote and the emails that you sent him and i asked him for months to tell you that he had a serious girlfriend. his reasoning was that you were not ready. i know you don't like me and yes, i have gotten mad when i read blogs that you wrote and it seemed like you were heaping alot of blame on eric, because he was telling me that you were always just a friend and that he hadn't even seen you in almost four years. i do understand that eric didn't speak to you for a long time while he and i were together. his refusal to tell you (and another girl that claimed to be in love with him) about our relationship made me insecure with our relationship. but i think that he may have thought that i was insecure with you. even though that wasn't the case, that might have been the misunderstanding. i know you just emailed eric recently telling him how you had felt about him. i hope that you will continue to be his friend and support him, because he really needs that right now. i've tried for three months to be his friend and encourage him....but i'm beginning to realize that my presence, whether in person or written, hurts him more, and i don't want that for him. this blog had not been intended to persuade people to choose sides. i was simply tired of my name and dan's being dragged through the mud and one side of the story being told. like eric said, quite fairly, this is my right, and i'm glad that he chose to link the spot to his so everyone could see it. but i am sorry that you had to hurt. melanie--what can i say? God must have had a sense of humor when he made us sisters. thank you for your support for me, and dan, and eric. take care of scotti. we would be lost without him, too. dan--you already know. much love. eric--i'm sorry that i've made choices that hurt you. as far as my relationship with dan goes, the only thing i can apologize for is replacing you as soon as i did. you say that i should be sorry for ever beginning a relationship with him in the first place. you will never hear an apology for that one. you ask me not to lie to you. i did once, i'm not going to do it again. i will not apologize for something i am not sorry for. but i am sorry that you're making the choices that you are. you claim to love me and then tell me that you're going to kill yourself so that the blame will rest on my shoulders. i don't understand how that is love, and you're only making things worse for yourself. for the last three months you have had countless friends and family be there any time you need them and do their best to help you. you've chosen to ignore them. you claim to be open to other's opinions, but your retaliation to scotti's comments prove otherwise. you blame me for destroying your life, and then claim to be a christian and that you trust God. i just don't understand. but when i ask you these questions and you can't defend yourself with a good excuse, you try to turn things back around and point fingers at me. you keep telling me to destroy you....to say whatever i can to hurt you. i can't do that. there is enough hurt. i do love you and miss you as a friend. i wish things hadn't ended like this. but you can never say that i haven't been here whenever you needed me for the last three months, even though it hurt someone else that loves me, too. but i guess that means nothing. my one regret right now is that i've hurt dan for nothing. i've hurt him, hurt you, and hurt myself. so what was the point? well, it's time to go now. i have to get my little sister/therapist/stylist off to work....even though she was up very late talking to eric (who once again showed zero tolerance to a different opinion). it's been a long night, and i have to start packing. c'est la vie. praying for all that were mentioned, whether they believe it or not. |
3,493,680 | female | 26 | indUnk | Pisces | 24,July,2004 | i just read the current posts on eric's blog.... eric--although there have been many fights in the last three months, and i think you are wrong about a number of things, i can't disagree with you on your views about waiting for marriage. i believe that a number of things you said were both right and wrong. yes, the relationship did begin with alot of outside tension and some of that tension still remains. i just wanted you to know that your opinion will be read and discussed by both me and dan. i will not guarantee any outcomes or make any promises, but your opinion certainly has not been disguarded. as far as the 'puppy love' comment, i choose to not make any replies. it wouldn't do any good anyway. have to get ready for work....love |
3,493,680 | female | 26 | indUnk | Pisces | 23,July,2004 | i replied to a comment on eric's blog from a few days ago, but i would just like to add to it. jenn-i understand that you are eric's friend and it comes naturally to defend him. i do the same thing with my friends, so i have no right to get upset. but you haven't been here for the last three months. eric's actions in the last three months have been a big deal. if you wanted to see a picture of us, that's fine. it could have easily been emailed to you. or it could have been posted long enough for you to see it and then taken down, which is what i have asked eric repeatedly to do. he still refuses to do that, and refers to me as a 'consolation prize.' this was hurtful to me and to my fiancee and his parents. after some yelling and a spiteful PUBLIC post on his part, along with refusal to take down the picture, i emailed the blogger hosts and asked them to take down the picture and the post....NOT his entire blog like he said. i believe i clarified that in a comment on one of his posts. trust me, if you had been here for the last three months and had seen everything that's happened (and i do mean everything...not just what he's posted or told you) it would be a big deal to you, too. on the other hand, eric did send me a copy of the email that you sent to him, and i'm very glad that you wrote what you did. i'm glad that eric has the friends that he does to support him. his friends here have told him the exact same thing that you did. i pray that one day he will start listening. |
3,493,680 | female | 26 | indUnk | Pisces | 23,July,2004 | yeah....soo....made $47 at work tonight. slow night. good advice was given tonight. i do listen to you, eric, and i do respect your opinion. i might choose not to take the advice, but the advice does not go unheeded. it has been a long day. i'm tired of fighting a losing battle. i'm sure eric feels the same way. i never wanted us to fight or call each other names. hopefully things will only go uphill from here. i'm going to bed. still sick. and i have to go to tyler tomorrow to watch my mom get married. again. sigh. |
3,493,680 | female | 26 | indUnk | Pisces | 23,July,2004 | i haven't posted in a long time. truthfully, i tend to find alot of blogs are mainly used for lashing out at people and creating a haven for sympathy. i'm not going to do that. both sides of the story will be told here. i've lost one of my best friends anyway. so, as he puts it, 'i don't care anymore.' for eric's friends that read this.....yes, promises that i made to him were broken. i promised him that i would always welcome him back and that i would not replace him anytime soon. i could tell that the break-up hurt him (and for clarification, yes, he did break up with me) and i wanted to make things as easy on him as possible. i didn't know those efforts would be used against me later. yes, he was replaced alot sooner than i anticipated, and i can sympathize with his hurt. believe it or not, it happened to me after a five-year relationship. except it wasn't the next week. it was the next day. yes, eric, other people (including myself) have hurt as much as you. however, i did make other promises, which included never turning my back on eric and always being there for him, which i never had or never will have any intention of breaking, even though eric has pushed me to so that there will be something else to blame on me. and yes, the im conversation is saved in my documents. today i was treated as though all the efforts towards friendship in the last three months mean nothing. appareantly, i'm a spiteful bitch anyway. and according to eric's blog, dan is backstabbing and cocky. the fact that dan went to him first to ask permission to ask me out and the fact that he was ignored and the fact that he waited another three weeks for an answer was convienently left out. on today's blog, dan's parents were bashed for allegedly asking me to do their 'dirty work.' just for clarification, they didn't ask me to do anything. their concern is with me and with their son. i'm the one who asked eric to remove the pictures from the blog. appearantly, the 'love' and 'respect' that eric claims to have for me is gone. the picture was taken because a picture of dan and i was taken first, and i didn't want eric to feel like he wasn't just as important to me. obviously this is how my gesture was rewarded. i'm still a spiteful bitch. eric also claimed in his blog that he never called dan's parents asking them to make their SON leave me alone. he's right. he threatened to kill dan instead. and for some reason, blame is still placed on dan. yes, he was a factor to events that have happened in the last three months, but i have chosen not to go back to eric because of his continous reactions to these events. we choose our own reactions. dan did not steal anyone away from eric. eric left me all on his own. he claims that he didn't break up with me, he just 'stepped aside,' but for some reason that was never clarified during or after the break-up to me. it was only clarified when he learned that someone else was interested in me. but yes, i do accept blame for breaking some promises that i made, and for lying about my relationship with dan. considering eric had already threatened dan's life and his own, i chose to hide the truth instead of telling the truth and trusting God to take care of eric. and for that i'm sorry. i would also like to make a public apology to dan. i know that for the last three months you have watched me hurt (and yes, eric, i am capable of being hurt) and that it's hurt you to watch. i also know that my continued persistance to be eric's friend and to keep him in my life has hurt you to. i realize that for the last three months i have put him ahead of you (even though most of the time it was subconsiously) and for that i am sorry. you don't deserve that. you've even made yourself sick over all of this. i know that you know how badly i wanted eric in my life and how much i miss him, and i'm sorry that you have to see me hurt like this. we have five months until our wedding. i'm going to do whatever i can to make better choices and to be a better girlfriend. i wanted to be a better friend to him, but as he put it today, i'm only thinking about what i want. i'm so sorry. i made the comment to dan about four or five months ago that these two men were the two most important people in my life, and that i was so scared that i would lose them. one is gone, by his choice. and i'll have to respect that. but he made the remark the other day that i didn't look happy. now he knows why. |
3,601,337 | female | 24 | indUnk | Cancer | 14,June,2004 | I'm a packrat to the extreme. Until recently I had every single paper from every single class from the time I started learning how to write the letter A until my last college class. I always had one excuse or another to hang on to box after box of paperwork and books. Last year, no excuse was great enough ... I was getting married and moving into a new house and all of that stuff just wouldn't fit. So I threw 98% of it away. The 2% of the things that I kept were from classes and teachers that I adored with the thought in the back of my mind that one day I might have to teach a class and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it quite as well without the guidance of a few of my favorite teachers. Now, I was a business major with hopes of starting my own business or working at some large advertising firm or owning my own art gallery... why would I ever dream of teaching? It’s for every lousy teacher that I have ever had in my life... If I had just one fabulous English teacher maybe I would know how to spell or catch grammar mistakes or if I had one creative history teacher maybe I would be a history buff like my husband. Knowing that I would have the ability to be a big influence in today’s youth ... yea, I know it's cheesy but I'm worried about the next generation and this is the most active way I know to try and give them something to be inspired by. Currently, I’m trying to find a job in this small provincial backwards town of hell that I must call home (we tried the moving thing and failed). There are no big advertising firms or corporations that need a creative eye, no nonprofit organizations with enough organization to hire a manager or an assistant. This city bites. Finally, I got a lead by a very close friend of the family who used to be a teacher. She came up with a brilliant idea … teaching. Yes, I don’t have a teaching certificate but the district is so desperate for teachers (300 to be exact) that they are willing to accept anyone with drive and a degree. The wheels in my head start turning … I would finally need those papers that I saved for so long … I will finally get to make some sort of a difference. I’m determined to be the best Fine Arts, Computer Science, or Algebra teacher ….. I’m turning in my application this week … wish me luck!!! |
3,601,337 | female | 24 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,June,2004 | Hello all .... Like my husband brian I had to join the blog world. |
3,976,495 | male | 27 | indUnk | Pisces | 22,July,2004 | So i am getting ready for this trip and listening to old soul records. I am aging rapidly. Maybe too rapidly. it feels like I am having one of thos Lite FM moments.. or one of those Starbucks compilation CD moments. I am both flabergasted and amused by the fact that there is a soundtrack to ordering coffee and you can buy it at the register... and also that it CHANGES. Today there is a Rock one, then tomorrow there will be 'Love Song Classics' or some other nonsense. Thank you Starbucks. Rare 1960's soul will always be my bread and butter though. I have a section of compilation LPs in my record collection that is probably 17'es wide or so. That is a ton of 2-3 minute tracks. Now I am sounding like urlLink Nick Hornby . Realize I only link some of this stuff so that this blog has blog-like qualities. I am still failing at learning how to spice this thing up.. This may be why noone is reading or commenting. Fair enough. So my band played in NYC a little bit ago and someone I went to high school with was at the show with his little brother. This is so extremely weird, I don't even know where to begin. This classmate of mine ran with a totally different crowd and while I was walking around school with a skateboard, impossibly large pants and a urlLink Snapcase long-sleeve, he was friendly with the more jock/frat-ish kids that were friendly enough, but that I had nothing in common with. His 15 year old brother has gotten him into music and takes him to shows. So weird. I suppose you never know who is listening or reading or watching. Let this be a lesson to you. |
3,976,495 | male | 27 | indUnk | Pisces | 21,July,2004 | If anyone cares to bet how long it will take for 'Winter Love' to appear on the soundtrack to a urlLink Wes Anderson film, get in touch. Sung Tongs is a brilliant album and 'Winter Love' is easily the stand out with its trademarked quirky melodic vocal arrangements that are nothing short of beautiful. One of the few new-ish songs I have heard that gives me chills in some parts. Anyways, the song itself screams Bottle Rocket , or just should have been written for Rushmore . Perfect. |
3,976,495 | male | 27 | indUnk | Pisces | 20,July,2004 | Yesterday was a conveniently typical day in the shop.. convenient for illustrating how annoying it is to work here sometimes. First a middle aged man comes in and wants a shitty flash-piece of a knife going through a heart on his leg. He was the ONLY walk-in of the day. One of our artists agrees to it, the guy pays upfront and the artist goes to set up. In the meantime, my coworker collects the guy's photo ID and has him fill out our release form. After doing so, he looks antsy, waits around another two minutes and then hastily tells me that the artist is taking too long to set up. It has been 5 minutes. So he demands his money back and leaves. My theory is that he got cold feet and didn't want to tell us that. In hindsight, maybe we should have forced him to get the tattoo or at least kept his money. That particular artist has not had work to do in weeks and he will starve to death soon. We also run a supply distribution thingy here, so we get all sorts of degenerates who think theyre tattoo artists coming in for needles, tubes, ink and the like. Some are super sketchy, but we sell them shit anyway. Great. In any event, this guy comes in (note: he is from a NJ shop called HOLY COST. you may want to avoid that place after reading this). He actually asks me if forceps used for piercing need to be sterilized. uhhhhhhhhh. So there you go. I hope my boss/the owner is proud that these are the kind of people we are helping to keep IN business rather than try to put out of business. While all this happens during the day, my band is also in the process of booking a US tour to commence this fall. There is no better way to learn how irritating it is to have to depend on other people than to attempt to book a tour. For those of you who still trust others to work as hard as you are, this is a perfect way to re-evaluate your beliefs. Aside from these minor drawbacks, life couldn't be better. I am single, preparing to leave for a nice extended vacation Friday afternoon and there is still at least 7 weeks of summer left. Believe me. I am not as cynical as you already believe. |
3,976,495 | male | 27 | indUnk | Pisces | 20,July,2004 | Once, I thought that a virtual diary would give me incentive to keep up with my writing. Let's face it. I am lazy. A music site sent me 4 records to review and I have only done two of them in about a month. Ironically, I am writing here and listening to Blood on the Tracks instead of listening to bad indie pop and waxing critical about it. Regardless, things happen and they need to be told. Records are around for a long time, and noone listens to reviews anyway. A female friend of mine had been dating the same person for 6-7 years before they split up this past April. He is around 30. She is around 24. Though she is a knockout, I have always sort of viewed this girl as 'one of the guys', and I think that burden is weighing down on her newly single self. Now, I am not refering to *me* specifically, but the fact that most of the guys she finds worthwhile also feel this way. 'A' (I am actually frightened that mutual friends will stumble here.. forgive my paranoia) was always the girl who was able to hang with guys and was eerily perceptive in the ways of 'guy talk' and so on and so forth; the perfect honorary bro, so to speak. Conversely, between the ages of maybe 16 and 23 people always assumed I was gay. I was always the guy who was able to hang with the gals and was (so I'm told) eerily perceptive in the ways of 'girl talk' and female-centric stuff.. within reason, of course. A female high school classmate (who later came out of the closet and told me about her girlfriend) told me that I was more of a girl than she was. Maybe. I guess it's all in what you know..Having mostly been raised by my mother and grandmother, I knew more womanly things and was taught chivalry and other outmoded gentlemanly practices at a very young age. I have actually used some of these things that I was taught and the reactions have ranged from genuinely charmed to compeltely puzzled. Most of the time it was the latter. So much for good breeding. In any event, I wish my honorary bro (or am I the honorary sis..?) all the luck in the world and hope she stays happy and continutes to be able to hang with the fellas while she hangs with the fellas in other ways. Finally some random notes about me.. I work in a tattoo shop, so expect stories about the really poor judgment of strangers and just how dirty and incompetent tattooers really are here in NY. I also play in an active touring band that I will not name (at least right now), so expect stories about going nowhere in nowhere towns and doing my best to meet interesting people there. Hopefully this blog will amount to something vaguely interesting, and hopefully some of you will provide all the insight im missing. Goodnight for now. |
3,976,495 | male | 27 | indUnk | Pisces | 25,July,2004 | Quebec is a really nice city... The air is chill even when it is summer and it is clean. Getting over the border was stressful.. Immigration searched our van and found a box of CDs and a bag of like 8 shirts and told me we would be taxed for them, but I talked our way out of being charged. Thankfully. Meanwhile, our working papers were completely inaccurate. Some of what was wrong: one band member not listed on the permit, my date of birth was wrong, and the place where we were listed as going to cross the border was wrong.. Good start. Otherwise, traveling through Quebec was relaxing. The show was OK, but not so great as it was apparently barely promoted. I don`t understand the idea of taking the time to book and put on a show and then not caring about ptomoting it. Today we are due to play a house in Toronto (9 hours west). However, we can`t afford to get there because the booking agent also neglected to tell us that we would have to pay a $450CAN immigration fee just to get over the border. Great to work with others, let me tell you. Also I am not even going to get into telling you about how all of our t--shirts that we need to sell are waiting in a warehouse in NY state because they did not make it over the border. We have to get those on Monday. A disaster and it has only been one full day. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 21,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'IPOOL' Online Pool - 8-ball, 9-ball, carom, 14-1, billiards. Online multiplayer pool game with realistic game physics and accurate table / ball dimensions. Fun yet tactical game of pool. Play online now against others for free or register for the full features, which include free entry to prized tournaments. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'ISNOOKER' iSnooker (2003) is a new online multiplayer snooker game with realistic game physics and accurate table / ball dimensions. iSnooker combines 3D & 2D to give a fun yet tactical game of snooker. Play online now against others for free or register for the full features, which include free entry to prized tournaments. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'ANTIETAM' Antietam! is the latest game from gaming legend Sid Meier. For those who fell asleep in history class, Antietam was one of the defining battles of the United States Civil War. This demo gives you two scenarios: Prelude to Battle and Dawn in the Cornfield (watch out for the children). You can play as either the Union or the Confederacy. This game is so much fun, who cares if it's a semi-educational. Have fun! |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'Z BALL' Z-Ball is another breakout game, but it is still a must-download because of its fantastic quality. Unlike most breakout games, Z-Ball is sideways, like the legendary Krakout on the Commodore 64. Another great feature of this game is that you can actually spin the ball and make it curve- just like ping pong. This game is 3D, and needs a decent 3D card to play, but it's well worth it. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'ABUSE' Abuse is a platform shoot 'em up where you control your guy using the keyboard but move his gun using the mouse, the gun rotates through 360 degrees so you can be running one way but shooting the other, it really is great to play, there are quite a few different weapons and the enemys are pretty good. The enemy placement is really good, and there are some really cool traps that will keep you on your toes, this is a platformer well worth downloading. There is also a built in level editor so that you can make and play your own levels. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 19,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'LEGEND OF MIR' Legend Of Mir is a online RPG and level based game and it's free up to level 20. WARNING IT IS A 450MB DOWNLOAD. It has over 400,000 online gamers. This game is so well known it has a mini TV show. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 18,May,2004 | urlLink DOWNLOAD 'GUNBOUND' Hi I will answer your gaming questions to the best of my ability and is quick as i can, but for now ill give you some great game downlod links. When on gunbound.net go to the download page and and choose to download gunbound full version, then you will have to create an account once downloaded and installed. DONT WORRY, IT'S FREE. Gunbound is a massive online game with over 125,000 gamers and one big ranking system similar to worms but better in every way. ENJOY!!! |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 24,June,2004 | Hi I'm Trojan Knight, write in comments for any help 'n' hacz u want. This site is checked for comments daily, feel free to ask whatever gunbound stuff u want to know. |
3,374,786 | male | 13 | indUnk | Aquarius | 03,August,2004 | Here are some gunbound ascii values |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 20,June,2004 | By: Mariel G. Calalo (September 3, 2003) *Something almost autobiographical. Just when he thought I didn't see, I caught a glimpse of him and kept that picture forever in my memory. Just when he thought I didn't hear, I was listening with all my heart. Just when he thought I never cared, I spent my days and nights writing about him. Fourteen months ago, I felt a mad rush for something, which I thought was missing in my life. Most of my friends are either getting married, having kids or getting into serious relationships, while I remain to be the standard bearer of non-committals. I joke around saying that I just needed to find Mr. Right Now, a crash course on romantic relationships, which is supposed to last for two weeks. I thought if only God would send me someone who can be 'All Things Good,' then maybe, just maybe, I might give it a shot. Just when I thought that finally finding the guy I want would be the best thing that could happen this year, WOW MALI! I felt lonely and left out for having a stagnant love life and yet relieved because of one boy, who was there to listen to me as I whined about being unattached. We would talk about his potentially functional pseudo-relationships, mutual understanding agreements, and my general disappointment on the male species, which I was always my reason for choosing to be unattached. We console ourselves saying that we are better off unattached than to be in a relationship that we can never survive. We convinced ourselves that being alone. In fact, it has it's advantages like not having to consider anybody when you make one of those life's major decisions, mas matipid at least pang isang tao lang binabayaran mo sa sine at sa kain, wala kang anak na pinapaaral and other seemingly cynical remarks. While some of my friends have become married smugs, this boy to me was life the beacon of hope who keeps on reminding me that being unattached isn't exactly a lonely place to be in on the 21st century. In between coffee, second-hand smoke and glutonny, I jokingly told him that the last hing I want is to end up with a guy like him. Though I considered him as one of the closest guy friends I've got around, I totally loathe his attitude about relationships --- never committing, always denying. No expectations. No promises. I've known him for four long years and I just thought I had him figured out. I believed that some people are meant to be together, while some people are meant to be alone. I was so resigned to the idea that I belong to the second set of people. I was prepared to face the future alone. For four long years, I didn't feel any sort of attraction, physical or otherwise. At that time, I enjoyed his company but never once did I felt emotionally drawn to him --- until recently. It started out like any of out psycho babbles about failed relationships. It was a rainy Friday night and we had nowhere else to go, so we just wasted time chatting about our own emotional woes. He opened up in a way that he has not done before. This time, he was honestly talking about his own failed relationship. There was something different about the tone of his voice, a certain sadness that I've never sensed before. For a moment I could feel his pain. There was just something about the things he said that night that kicked some sense into me. Hearing him talk about a girl he once loved like hell gave me a shiver. I felt fear... Fear that one day he just might decide to decide to risk all hell to be with her, and the very thought of him promising forever with all certainty to another girl was revolting. I was almost shattered and the a lump was on my throat. I wanted to cry but no tears came down from my eyes. I kept my composure. I felt confused. Could I have loved him all this time and never knew it? Did I realize it too late? We never talked about it again. In fact, after feeling what I felt that night, I decided not to spend as much time with him as I used to. After a hundred gloomy days and sleepless nights, thinking about that one incident, I seemed fine. I am convincing myself that maybe, just maybe, I was just confused. I was perhaps of moving forward and being left alone. I was in denial. The time I spent apart from him, I prayed and contemplated about my feelings for him. Not a single day went by that I didn't miss him. Now I am sure, I love him. I realized that during those times when I absolutely didn't make any sense, he was the only person who kicked sense into me. I realized that during those times when I felt absolutely alone, he was there to make me laugh and smile. I realized that while teh world saw him as this emotional git, in my world of swirling mass of contradictions, he was my hope. I never thought that I could love as much as I love him. I never thought that I could be this scared to say I Love You or even imagine loving this much. Worse, not being brave enough, prepared enough to say it. If and when I do find the courage to say what I feel, would he reciprocate my feelings? Perhaps not, for I am complicated for his own good. I am a maverick... and I have already made it difficult, if not impossible for him to love me. Now I am hanging by a moment. Not wanting to say what I want to say. Torn in seeing him proceed with his pursuit for happiness. Only time will tell whether this story ends with a happy ending. One thing is for sure, I love him... |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 18,June,2004 | By: Mariel G. Calalo Sometimes we live in other people's expectations. We place our happiness in other people's hands. We get caught up chasing these dreams that we fail to realize that we are blessed with so much more. I have been praying for the longest time for a loving relationship most people my age have. As far as I can see, my current situation is far more conducive for such. I am in my twenties, with a stable job and wihtout what others might term as 'complications.' As a teeneager, I led myself to believe that I must concentrate on my studies, get a a job and then get a boyfriend. My life was already planned. Be a CPA at 20, boyfriend at 25, marry at 30 and be a mom at 32. Every details has been carefully thought of and only the execution was yet to be done. The orchestration of the greatest plan I have in mind is NOW. Things went well for a while. I was absolutely sure that when I reach the age of 32, I would look back at my life and say to myself 'I have lived my life as planned.' I failed to realize one thing. Life is that which happens to you as you plan. Well for the CPA part, it was easy as things were within my are of control. I only needs one person for the plan to push through... ME. Phase one implemented as planned. I conceived little projects to get my so-called loving relationship. I've held on. I've let to. I've tried almost every rule written on the book. Nothing seemed to work. I fell in and out of love but 'The One' was nowhere to be found. I still haven't found that person that would make me want to be a better person, the one that would make my life seem more colorful. I started to feel impatiend and questioned what was wrong with me. I just don't get it. I did everything by the number, of what was expected of me and here I am, still alone. I was in between heartaches going through my own quarterlife crisis. The that pivotal moment hit me, I had a LIGHTBULB MOMENT. I realized that life is never gonna be perfect because I am not perfect myself. Life can never be planned because it is full of wonderful surprises. We must allow spontaneity and serendipity into our lives because most of the time it is in life's unexpected gifts that we find God's most wonderful blessings. While having romantic attachments could sometimes be a blessing, it's never enought to fill the voids that we fiel. One person is not enough to make us feel complete. We need to be complete by ourselves before getting into 'The World of Two,' otherwise, it would be just a parasitic relationship where the only reason the two of you are together is because you're both insecure. One has to feel secure with himself first before he can actually give security to another. Sure you can't help feeling sorry for yourself sometimes, we you see couples walking past you, with all your wishful thinking. The thing is, no one can ever pick you up from your sadness but yourself. If you have a family, a great job, wonderful friends and so much more things to do, then you should feel blessed. It's a less complicated, less 'risky' situation to be in. Realizing this, I felt blessed beyond measure, the voids are complete and I AM COMPLETE. ************************* P.S. I wrote this when I was 23, when I had a wonderful friend who made me realize that life is beautiful. Now he's not so wonderful anymore, it makes me want to sing 'Wow! Mali'. |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 18,June,2004 | By: Mariel Calalo I am 25 years old, an NBSB-ANP (No Boyfriend Since Birth, Alpha No Papa). Always the friend, never the girlfriend. Yup that's me. I guess I am still caught up with my idea of what is ideal, the boyfriend from Utopia. I guess we all want love to come along, it's just that we dictate the package it should come along with. When I was 20, I only asked God for 10 'Must-Have' Traits I'm looking for in a boyfriend. I like to keep things simple because I think it's much easier for God to answer my prayers with a YES, if what I asked for is simple! Here goes my top 10 back then, in no particular order, with my not-so-brief rationale for each. Brace yourself. 1. HE SHOULD BE A FRIEND . I don't believe in the traditional 'courtship' our parents knew. I'd like to see a person in the raw, how he truly is. To watch him grow and just be himself. No pretenses. None of the sugar coating. By being friends first, I'd see all the good and the bad in him. And should the friendship be brought to a different plane, then I know what I would be plunging myself into and loving the good and bad in him won't be that difficult to do. Perhaps, being patient and understanding would be much easier to do. 2. HE SHOULD LOVE AND RESPECT HIS OWN MOTHER AND SISTERS . The best way to see, I believe, to see how he would treat you is to see the way he treats his mom and his sisters. It takes practice to be tender and gentle and I would very much rather if he cultivates these traits by practicing with his mom and sisters. To understand women means to be educated by women. 3. HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN . Imagine how boring life would be if I would end up with a person who only thinks about work. Imagine how life would be like with a person who works even through the weekends. I need somebody who knows how to have fun and knows how to laugh hard. Laid back kinda guy, low key and yet driven. I don't intend to be with an irresponsible ball and chain, but I also don't want to be with a total bore who's highly intellectual but cannot function in the world where normal people live. 4. HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE ME LAUGH AND SMILE. I'm not looking for a clown in a million. I'm not looking for someone who looks so funny I can't help but laugh. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, help me be a happy person. No one can ever make you a happy person but yourself, however, it helps having someone positive and cheerful around. 5. HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SURPRISE ME WITH SMALL THINGS. I guess, I'm not the kind who gets surprised by a diamond ring, or chocolates, or roses. It's the small unexpected gestures that I cherish. Things like carrying my laptop because it's so heavy, asking me if I want water on a really hot summer day, or buying me my happy meal (congee+raddish cake) on a really, really bad day. I need to be with a person with whom I constantly discover something new everyday. I don't need expensive stuff... I think I can afford those things. All I need is somebody who surprises me with small things... Small things that would make me say 'Now, that's my boyfriend!' 6. SOMEBODY WHO WOULD GLADLY GO TO CHURCH WITH ME. Catholic or otherwise, it doesn't really matter for as long as he believes in God and has a personal relationship with him (in layman's term, he prays). 7. HE SHOULD BE FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE . Between a rich kid and a financially responsible guy, I'd choose the second one. A rich guy who's not financially responsible ends up penniless because he doesn't understand what his financial priorities should be. I don't want to be in love and in debt all at the same time, I guess. 8. HE SHOULD DO THE BEST JOB HE KNOWS HOW TO DO. Of course no one wants to be with a bum. I just want to be with somebody who has a pleasant attitude towards his work. I need to be with a person who will make me appreciate my work too. 9. A MAN OF INTEGRITY. Mabigat ata ito. Mahirap hanapin. I guess, I want someone who does what he says and means what he says. 10. LAST AND CERTAINLY NOT THE LEAST, CHUBBY, FAIR, CHINITO AND NEARSIGHTED. A difficult combination no. Pag yan talaga tinamaan ni Lord, baka hindi lang ako Sunday mag-church, pati Tuesday and Thursday. Why Chubby? I certainly don't want to feel like a make-over project just because he's so vain. Why Fair? Aba iba na ang maputi. Period. Chinito and nearsighted? Don't you just love and hate a moment when a guy's eyes turn into slits as his dimples gloriously show, as the walls of your emotional defenses melt. Ito lang ang logic diyan, ang pangit naman kung may boyfriend ka nga di ka naman kinikilig. The best example I can think of is RJ Ledesma and Robert Chien. = ) Today, at 25, I think hitting 10 out of 10 is like winning the Lotto, 93 million pesos, tax free. Hitting 9 out of 10, is a wonderful blessing. 8 out of 10 is still a wonderful thing to contemplate. 0 out of 10 means, it must be LOVE! |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | Being Without You.... By: Mariel Calalo Being without you felt like being sure the sun would shine and yet feeling unsure whether warmth could be felt. Being without you felt like being free yet wanting to be isolated, incarcerated. Being without you felt like having enough air to breathe yet suffocating to death. Being without you felt like I wanted to smile yet knowing my heart drowns in tears. Being without you felt like I just won the lottery only to lose my winnings the next day. Being without you felt like being deaf, blind and unable to express myself... completely helpless. Being without you felt like it was the most intelligent choice I've made, yet feeling stupid all at the same time. Being without you means being sleepless in Seattle, freezing in Cincinnati and paranoid about New York. Being without you taste like congee without soy sauce, coffee without my sugar and cream. Being without you is scary, sad and quiet. I guess I never noticed what it was like to be without you. I guess I never took the time to take notice. So come back, make me feel what it's like to be truly free. Turn my nights into days, The cold into warmth. Take away my stupidity. Help me find my courage, my joy and my music. And let me not spend another day of being without you. |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | Gago, Tarantado, Sira Ulo By: Mariel G. Calalo She went half way across the world in the hope of finding 'the one' only to realize that it was in front of her the whole time. She missed all the signs. She found him... only to lose him again. She believed in fate, in destiny, in love at first sight. She believed that when she finally finds 'the one' She'd know right away because her heart will just tell her so. Probably, it would be easier to say 'yes.' Well, her heart's not just stubborn, it's actually dyslexic. 'Cold' is an understatement. Peel her to the core and you would realize that 'non-committal' is the more appropriate word to describe her. The first sign of a possible romantic entanglement, and you'd see her running on the opposite direction. Siguro hindi niya lang gusto ng komplikadong buhay. Every attempted I Love You was responded to by 'Gago. Tarantado. Sira ulo.' She has spent her days waiting for love but afraid of being close where she needs to be the most. She was waiting for lightning, listening for thunder just to finally realize she has found the one. Somewhere, thousands of miles from the life she has grown accustomed to live, she did found someone. He was simply perfect. He was warm, friendly, funny, patient, driven yet able to have fun. He wears eyeglasses but even with those spectacles she just couldn't help but marvel at his deep-set eyes and long, curly eyelashes. He made her laugh and the things she would normally find annoying in a guy, she found them cute in him. He was a perfect gentleman. He opened doors for her, carried her stuff, he even volunteers to get her water. He was at her beck and call. He was handsome, too handsome it felt like being punched everytime he smiles. Life could not get any better than this; he filled her winter mornings with so much warmth it felt like summer. There were times when she would just gaze, stare, almost in awe, watching him glide among the crowd and convince herself that life could not get any better than this. She has never met anyone as agreeable as this and there were times when she wished that she didn't have to go back to her old life. However, at some point, reality had to walk in and she had to say goodbye to this perfect stranger. Her life has been a long, continuous process of hellos and goodbyes. He accompanied her to the airport and they said their goodbyes. She offered a handshake, instead he asked her if he could hug her goodbye. She was floored. On an ordinary day, she would have said 'Bakit??? Gago, tarantado, sira ulo!' He wouldn't understand it anyway so she thought 'well, why not?' She took a step forward and he hugged her goodbye. She hugged him back and it was the longest 15 seconds of her life. It was like a near-death experience, seeing her entire life flash before her. At some point in the longest 15 seconds of her life, she somehow wished she was hugging someone else. She wished she was hugging that 'gagong tarantadong sira-ulong' she was scared to be with, the one she has always been afraid to hug because she feared she might not let him go if she did. If the only consideration in finding 'the one' is her state of bliss when she is with that one person, then the choice would have been easy to make. Resistance is futile. She knew that it had to be that 'gagong tarantadong sira-ulo.' He had to be 'the one.' She spent four hours in the airport trying to understand what just happened to her. First, that was unpredictable of her. Second, it was just so out-of-character for her to just hug a guy she barely knew. She has known someone for five years and she had always made sure he never violates the '1-foot away personal space' rule. Third, it was just so out-of-character for her to miss someone who's not exactly synonymous to the word 'good boy', the kind you'd want to bring home to your parents. She has always believed she was too wise for situations like this. It was confusing. She wanted to get the first flight home because she needed to find out what could be the cause of this anxiety and she's damn sure she's not gonna find it in New York. It was a long flight going back home. It has given her enough time to contemplate. No matter how much her head argues with her heart, the latter always found a way to win. She knew she had to come home to the uncertainty. She practiced clever lines to say. She wanted to say 'I'm sorry for screwin' up. I think leaving you behind had to be a sin.' Or 'Starbucks in every corner of New York City will never be the same without you.' Or 'I've just met this incredibly perfect person who's just so handsome it feels like a punch in the face. But you know what? I had to come home to your smile because it feels like soft breeze across my face.' She knew life was never gonna be the same without 'gago, tarantado, sira ulo.' At the back of her mind, she knew, 'gago, tarantado, sira ulo' is not exactly like that. There must be something, so much more, that she refused to see the last time she looked at him. She didn't want to be a fool wondering what might have been. Maybe, just maybe, this time she'll say 'yes.' For the first time, she allowed her heart to see. She had seen him too many times before but never really SAW him. As soon as she got the chance, she asked how has he been getting along with life, waiting and hoping for him to tell her how much he missed her. Apparently, he was getting along without her very well. And missing her never crossed his mind, not for one moment. And so, in the moment of truth in every lie, she decided to stay silent. She decided not to say any of the lines she practiced. She chose to leave them unsaid. What is the point of saying the truth if nothing could be changed? What is the point of saying the truth if the truth would only cause pain? There are certain things in this world that are better left unsaid, things left undone, thoughts left somewhere in the back of your mind, never to be thought of again. She wanted to believe that life is better off uncomplicated. The problem with this story is that it ends right where it should begin. Perhaps, someday when love outweighs fears, when certainty is far stronger than the shadows of doubt, when faith and hope rings true, this story will have the ending it deserves. Until then, both characters continue being lost in the limbo waiting for lightning, listening for thunder, praying for love to come their way. |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | Things I Learned From Intergender Frienships By: Mariel G. Calalo The premise of this article lies on the principle that sometimes, loving a person doesn't mean it has to be romantic and loving a person for the rest of your life doesn't mean you have to end up marrying them. Can a man and a woman just be friends? I'd say YES and THEY SHOULD BE. Kung Ako Na Lang Sana is a story of a barkada in their college days as we witness their lives from their early 20's to their 40's. Among the barkada, the movie focuses on two individuals EMMY (Sharon Cuneta), a manang type who is domineering and focused on her career, and VINCE (Aga Muhlach), the cool chickboy who is laid-back and has a stoic attitude towards life until much later in his adult years. Emmy and Vince started out as casual friends until parallel events in their lives drew them closer to later become the best of friends. Even if they weren't physically close and not constantly communicating, they still manage to affect and influence each other's lives. This is when they find themselves falling in love with each other. With the fear of losing their friendship, they chose not to let each other know of how they really feel…until much later on. Familiarity breeds both contempt for these two friends, but love gets the better of both of them. I cried buckets of tears when I watched this movie. I cried because I can relate with Emmy. I cried because I know it's just a movie, pop culture at it's finest. I cried everytime Aga smiled. I cried every time familiar lines were delivered. I cried because if I had been watching this movie with my college barkada, they would remind me that they truly believe that I should end up with someone like Vince. The day I watched this movie, I would have probably agreed with them. I cried because I know that as similar as I am with Emmy, my life is not a Star Cinema Production. The guy friend I was with while watching this movie, is no closer to Aga Muhlach. He can't even relate to Aga. Instead, he wants to be Sharon and he wants Aga... badly. The movie left me lovesick for days. Here are some of life's lessons... Precious lessons I learned from intergender friendships. Very different from how Star Cinema depicted platonic relationships... but I'm sure you can't help but agree with me. THINGS I LEARNED FROM INTERGENDER FRIENDSHIPS HINDI DAHIL KINAIBIGAN KA, LILIGAWAN KA NA. Not every guy who befriends you has an ulterior motive. Get over yourself. Don't flatter yourself. There is a reason why he befriended you, but don't automatically assume that it's because he wants to be your so-called boyfriend. If this will be the principle you'll follow everytime someone asks you to be his friend, you're gonna miss a great deal from the friendship. HINDI DAHIL MABAIT SA IYO, NILILIGAWAN KA NA. There are people who are naturally sweet and kind. There are people who are innately good and that no matter how wicked you seem, they just find it so easy to be kind to you. It doesn't mean he is courting you. Don't put yourself through unnecessary stress trying to figure out if he's courting you or not. Because I think if he is, you won't have to guess, you'll know and you'll be very certain about it. HINDI DAHIL HE TALKS TO YOU A LOT, HE LOVES YOU NA. You don't befriend a person if you absolutely abhor him, right? Chances are you make sense when he talks to you, or you're probably very patient listening to him. The two of you probably connect on some level but why does it always have to be assumed to be romantic? Being two intelligent, mature human beings, you need to accept that it's nice to share a cup of coffee over a stimulating conversation, and that you don't have to automatically put romantic connotation to it. Relieve yourself of the pressure. It's just coffee and a shared interest. HINDI DAHIL CUTE ANG FRIEND MO, CRUSH/LOVE MO NA SIYA. This is the most amusing thing that hit me lately. People always assume that because your friend is cute or should I say, HOT (because cute is a word you describe your high school crush while HOT is a word you use to describe a hunk), 'lakas amats mo na for repapips!' Let me just say this, at least from my own personal experience, I'm just nearsighted, I haven't gone blind. I can still appreciate God's creation! However, there will always be weird things, crazy things, stupid things that will keep you, believe me, from having a crush on him. First of all, you'd know his history with women, enough to judge what's good for you. Second, don't you just hate it when a guy who's absolutely always put together, who looks intelligent enough pronounces the word Country as 'Kawntri' and the word Mango as 'meynggo.' Call me crazy for judging a person just because he can't pronounce these words right. I admit, I'm crazy. HINDI DAHIL YOU HANG-OUT WITH EACH OTHER MOST OF THE TIME, YOU'D END UP BEING BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND. Self-explanatory... There are a thousand, no million different reasons why things don't always turn out that way. There is no one proven formula. For all we know, the reason why he likes hanging out with you is because he likes getting kikay tips from you. He probably plans on being kikay himself and he needs a mentor. A DINNER WITH A GUY FRIEND DOES NOT NECESSARILY EQUATE TO A DATE. Especially if you're paying for your share no. Hello? Three things to consider: the place, the topic and how the two of you actually planned to meet. First, how it was planned. If it were a date expect that he would ask you out at least three days before the actual date to give you some lead time, to give you the notion that you are not just a filler on his schedule. Second, the place. If it were a real date, the both of you would want real food and a place where you could really talk things through. Don't go out with a guy to a movie on Friday night if you're really serious about him. Going to a movie is more like treating him like a 'filler' just because you had nothing to do on a Friday night so you might as well go out. Topic. Ha! You wouldn't be talking about chikang artista, chikang opisina, or argue if the one girl's boobs are real or not. You would be probably talking about sensible, quite personal stuff. I, therefore, conclude that platonic relationships are never complicated, people just have tendencies to complicate them. |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | I Choose... By: Mariel G. Calalo I choose to love you in my silence, for in silence I feel no rejection. I choose to love you in my loneliness, for in loneliness, no one owns you but me. I choose to love you from afar, for having you near would never let my heart let you go without shedding a tear. I choose to love you despite of what people say about you, for I know you in your entirety. I choose to love you even on days when you are absolutely unlovable, for I love the good and the wicked in you. I choose to love you even if those wrinkles start to show and those muscles sag, for I know that the years have just shown me how you've grown in beauty and bloom. I choose to love you as a friend, for friendship is a far stronger bond than romance and passion. I choose to love you for all sorts of reasons. I choose to love the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you smile, the way you complain. I choose to love the quirky little things about you, your verbal mishaps, and on days when you'd make me cry, I'd still love you just the same. I choose to love you despite of you childish ways, for I believe one day, someday you'll come through shining. I choose to love you even if your heart breaks, cries for somebody else, for my love I give without expecting anything in return. I choose to love you, silently, in solitude, from afar... even if it means being lost in the limbo. I choose to love you today, tomorrow... forever, for once you start loving a person, you never stop loving them. Maybe a little differently or a little less but you never, never stop loving them. |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | ALWAYS THE FRIEND NEVER THE GIRLFRIEND By: Mariel G. Calalo It's sad that I had to fall for a friend. I gave my heart when all that's needed was my hand. I gave my love when all that was needed was my friendship. I have always been the friend... Yet surprisingly, never the girlfriend. Yup. That's me. Always the friend and never the girlfriend. Funny, while platonic-turned-romantic relationship works for other people, I can't seem to get that to work for me. Sometimes, my guy friends even doubt my own 'sexual preference' because at my age of 24, I've never had a real relationship with a guy. I guess the world expects certain events to come at certain ages... Hmmm... like a boyfriend in your twenties... Some of them (the bravest and the curious, I guess) have tried the tender trap of being 'friends today, more than friends tomorrow.' That trick never got to me though. Just when I am close to falling, something happens, just enough to disrupt the momentum. I'd like to believe that I have a healthy ratio of single, available, 'crushable' (if not adorable) guy friends. 'Crushable?' Hmmm... Well, let's just say that these guys are classified by the greater majority of the female population as 'every-girl's-dream-come-true'... Typical young urban professionals... Guys who are techy, wear preppy clothes, nice cellphones, nice cars, hunky, 'bootylicious(?)'... Good boy image. Oops! Did I say good boy image? I guess that's how other people see my 'crushable' friends... Good boys... 'The' few good men left in this planet... Hahaha...In fairness, some of them are...But with some of them, I know better. So much has been written on the hang-ups of being a 'girl friend material.' But I am telling you from the POV of a true-blue girl friend material, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. These guys have a lot of 'stuff' going on under their sleeves. I am Yoda. I am the Godfather (Godmother, rather). I am the 'Confidante.' Being the 'Confidante' comes with being a true-blue girl friend material. It is a big privilege because by nature, guys don't really open up about romantic stuff (kuno)... Not even to their unsuspecting girlfriends... a privilege, indeed, to be able to take a peek of what goes on inside the mind (and heart) of the 'good boy.' Taking a 'peek' opens you to two possibilities, though... Either you look at that person in a way you have never looked at him before. He'd earn your highest respects or worst case scenario, fall for the guy if he does turn out to be the conventional good boy he poses to be... Or you could end up being cynical about men such that you look at them as lower level organisms and bottom-dwellers, if it turns out that a 'good boy image' is all that there is to them. Okay... so how do you know if you are a true-blue girl friend material? Well, I guess if these circumstances often happen to you, chances are, you are a 'girl friend material. Your guy friend breaks up with the irritatingly perfect girlfriend and guess who he runs to for 'venting?' Or the irritatingly perfect girlfriend leaves him for some other bootylicious guy, guess who he runs to for 'comfort and ego-boosting words?' Ha! I knew it... You. He calls you every night to tell you he's mending his broken heart... and a few weeks later he calls you tell you of the countless dates he's been having to help him get over her. The moment his 'prospect' officially declares 'sila na' you'd be the first person he would call to tell this three tragic words to... 'Pare, kami na!'... Ouch! Yes, you are his ever reliable 'Pare.' Kaibigang iniiyakan, pero di hinahagkan. Kaibigang kinakausap pero hindi niyayakap. I guess it becomes tragic only if you have fallen for the tender trap. Sometimes, it's not really a trap (guys will have to agree with me). Maybe he really is just sweet-natured and caring... And you, the assuming little creature, convinced yourself that there's really more to his actions than what they really are. He is suddenly metamorphosed (at least inside your head, from the boy barkada to the crush boy. And what's more tragic, now that you have fallen so deep in love with him... Friendship is really all that he can offer. At some point, during your lowest, most confusing, most vulnerable moment, you wanted to ask him 'IF I had not been me, and if you had not been you... Do you think you even consider me a 'potential?' or just blatantly blurt out 'Damn! You should have chosen me instead.' But then, you are much too embarassed to ask and too scared to even try... Just when you thought those actions are enough to make you believe that this one's 'in the bag...' The music stops. Everything that was once animated, suddenly looked bare and common. Reality steps in, the dreaming, the anticipation just stops. The thing about men is that they are so mathematical when it comes to relationships. No matter how sweet this boy could be... sweet enough to give you diabetes... Unless you are asked to take a chance on him... Unless you are asked to be his girlfriend... Unless everything is in 'black and white'... Never... Ever expect. More than being the seemingly perfect crush boy, he is just human. Like girls, guys are also flaky. They could be judging you a 'potential' in one minute... A 'Pare' in another. Assume that their love is written on sand instead of stone, can be blown away by the wind, washed away by the sea. In fact, some of them like having a 'Pantawid-Gutom' around them...Someone who can satisfy their emotional needs without the perks and demands of being in a real relationship. This is more of what you call 'Hassle-Free Vendo of Opportunity.' I am not undermining friendships between males and females...straightforward friendships are healthy but unless you can be a friend without ever wanting to be more than that, do not forge dangerous liasons... Exercise caution. Unless you are willing to take the risk of free falling for a person who can never reciprocate your feelings, be objective with the way you see things. And a word of caution to 'metamorphosed barkada boys to crush boys'... If you do not want your 'girl barkada' to assume things you wouldn't want them to assume... If you do not intend to disappoint them... If you do not wish for them to think of you differently, please do not give them a reason to. =) |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | Love is Like Shopping for Shoes By: Mariel Calalo It is a truth universally acknowledged that a girl in possession of a mid-year bonus must be in search of the perfect shoes. People consider shopping as a complete waste of time... But for me, I have learned love's greatest lessons from shopping. I consider Glorietta-Greenbelt-SM-Landmark chain of establishments as my home away from home. I practically buy most of the stuff there. Sales people in those shops where I buy my 'kikay' stuff are practically on first name basis with me. If there is any part of shopping that I enjoy the most, it would be shopping for the shoes. Shopping for shoes is something I consider sacred. Shopping for shoes requires commitment, commitment of your resources to get the best shoes your resources can afford. I like shopping for shoes alone because it gives me the freedom to choose the shoes without having to worry what people think about it. It gives me the freedom to decide based on my idea of a good pair of shoes, and not based on what other people think the perfect shoes should essentially have. After months of waiting for the midyear bonus, I finally got it. Now it is time to pack my bag and head for my Glorietta to hunt for the perfect shoes. I don't plan to spend my entire bonus on shoes. I only wanted to buy one pair of black leather shoes... The pair I'm going to wear daily to the office. Hmmm, it should be sophisticated enough for the office and yet, comfortable enough for daily wear. I guess I have a fairly good idea of what I would like to buy. Since I normally wear pants to the office, a good pair of boots will do. So I set off to the first shop I could find. I scanned the shop for the shoe I would like to buy. Well, no boots here but I sure fancy the mules. I just had to try them on... So I asked the sales lady for my size, fitted the shoe and walked in it back and forth. Well, the mule was sophisticated enough for the office but the heels are killing me. I can imagine myself wearing this but the thing is I can't wear it for a long time, how much more wear it daily? I knew this shoe was just not it. Moving on to the next shop, I found a great pair of black leather shoes, asked the sales lady for my size and fitted the pair. It's a great pair alright, but when I looked at the tag price... My budget will be busted. It's price is thrice of how much I currently have. It's a good pair but I think I can do without it, if it means busting my budget. A part of me feels bad because I think this is a good buy... But overspending isn't what I have planned for my shopping activity for this particular day. So I hop from shop to shop, finding shoes of different sorts, some of them almost the same as what I have in mind, but then something is not quite 'it.' I went back to some of the shops I went to a while back, fitted the same shoes I fitted before, thinking to myself that maybe I need to give these shoes a second look to convince me that I ought to buy them. By 3:00 pm of that Saturday, I felt exhausted and frustrated. I wanted to buy a great pair and I just couldn't find one. It's either I totally don't like the style or the fit or I totally don't like the price. I told myself 'just buy a pair! Whatever pair and go home!' For a minute, I wanted to agree with my sore feet. Yeah, maybe I should just buy a pair for the sake of buying, wear it once in a while and get on with my life. However, when I think about not getting my money's worth by buying something that would not completely fit what my idea of great shoe find would be... I just couldn't buy a shoe for the sake of buying. Perhaps I haven't seen all the shops... Just when I was ready to give up and go home with a box of donuts instead of a box of shoes... There they were... A pair of black leather wedge boots... Great for slacks and denim... I knew I just had to try this pair. So again, I ordered for my size and fitted the pair. Yes! This pair is perfect. They're comfortable enough to be worn for more that 8 hours a day, sophisticated enough... I checked the price... Hmmm, exactly fitting my budget criteria. I just knew the moment I fitted this pair that I just got to have them. I just knew that if I'd come back tomorrow in this shop and not find this pair, I'd be regretting it until the next bonus. I just need to purchase this pair... NOW. Shopping for shoes is much like finding love. Don't try to fit it if you're not going to buy it. Don't buy it if you have reservations. Don't buy it when it's 'almost but not quite.' You judge the best pair based on your own criteria because you will be the one to wear it everyday. When you buy a pair of shoes, you need to be commited, at least, your feet should be committed to wear them, if needed, daily. And when you finally get the perfect pair, and you know you just can't do without this pair... Go for it before you actually regret it when somebody else buys that shoe. |
3,664,499 | female | 25 | Accounting | Capricorn | 17,June,2004 | Unconvetional Choices By: Mariel Calalo Sometimes, there are small things we only hear from one person; most of the time those small things are enough to fill the voids in our hearts. Somewhere in between heartaches, I found the imperfect, the complicated and the unconvetional beautiful, thrilling and comforting. Surprisingly, I felt the most undefined kind of love in my life. I met Heath when I was 20. My first impression of him was not exactly favorable. I've always seen him as flirtatious, exagerrated, narcisstic and immature. I've always preferred the goody-two-shoe-kind-of-guys. Obviously, Heath was not my type of guy. I've always believed that guys like Heath don't really fall in love. They only play with love. I believed there is no way I could ever fall for a guy like Heath. I was certain my heart was safe. Time passed, Heath and I became good friends. I still see him as flirtatious...but I saw some goodness in him. When some goody-two-shoe guy broke my heart, he was there to let me crash and burn. He was there to listen to my foolish talks. He was there to let me be myself in the face of defeat. He was there to let me speak my mind. He sympathizes, he wallows with me... He was just there... to be the friend that he is. Getting over Mr. Goody-Two-Shoe was not exactly the easiest thing to do. I would have dark days of despair. Thanks to Heath's willingness to stand by me as I go through it, I was able to survive those days, with my sanity intact. He would be there to make me laugh when I needed to have a good one. He would be there whenever I would have those so-called 'quarterlife crises', always reminding me that life is beautiful... That I still have a long way to go... That I am not alone. He was my wonderwall. Sometimes, his presence is so comforting that I felt like he was the older brother I never had. He was caring, protective and genuinely concerned. I felt blessed beyond measure. I have a friend and a brother to whom I can share my thoughts, my fears, my pains, my joys, my success... I have friend who lets me be myself... We all have our evil selves; he knows mine and he doesn't care. He loves me as a friend and as a sister. I still see him as flirtatious, though. Things were going great for a while. I was happy and contented with this straightforward friendship that I had with Heath. I was contented to hear of his flings and dates, and I was thankful that I was spared being on the long list of women who had their hearts broken by this vagabond. Things were stable, ideal and conventional until the night he bared his heart. I was down with a cold on a Friday night. He started the conversation which eventually led to a confession I've never thought I would hear from him. Looks like I am not the only one nursing a broken heart. My dear friend Heath fell really hard for this girl. Unfortunately, the girl had other priorities and had to go to the States to pursue what she believed was the best for her. Now he doesn't know whether to follow her of to stay. For the first time, in a while, I felt my heart twitched. I felt bad for my friend... I've been there... devastated, flat, broken and wasted... The only thing I can offer was to be strong for him as he was with me. He stopped being flirtatious... He said even if he flirts till it hurts, it doesn't make him happy knowing that the only girl he ever loved was thousands of miles away. Days passed, we continued being there for each other as we both nurse our broken hearts. The complicated thing is, as I get closer to him, the more real he becomes. Everyday he unfolds before me and all I can see is the beauty of his heart. Heath has is actually a good-natured person, honest, trustworthy, reliable... I don't know... but he just leaves me wonderfully depressed and confused. I'm seeing him in a way that I have never seen before. I have always looked at him...but never really saw him. He is my friend and trusted me with his deepest secrets but here I am feeling something I am not supposed to feel for him. I beginning to love him in a romantic, totally non-platonic way. Though I was 99.99% sure I would never fall for him... The .01% was just triggered by the string of events that have taken over our lives. Sometimes, he would look at me and asks what's the problem... How can I tell him that the problem is him and the feelings that I have for him? I've always thought it would be easy for me since we have this open communication, this connection that I have never had with any of my other friends... Alas, it wasn't easy. Everyday, I had to come home feeling happy because of the light moments, wonderful conversations, fun and laughter we had for the day... but I also had to remind myself not to expect. I had to continually remind myself that yes, he does love me...as he would a sister and a friend. Now I am lost again... I am confused with my feelings for him. I don't exactly want him to be my boyfriend, but I do know that I would hate for him to find someone that he really loved because that would mean I would lose him. His priorities would change and I would be in the secondary list. It's unconventional to say, but I like this limbo that I am in. It feels like the scariest roller coaster ride I've ever had, and yet I don't want to get off, because it is both thrilling and fearsome.It gives me that adrenalin rush... It was the most wonderful feeling I've ever felt. One day, someday I know I'll be able to tell him everything... This is probably just a phase I'm going through. Maybe his presence has become too comfortable that I misconstrued my feelings for him as love. I know perfectly that if I told him everything now, our friendship would never be the same. Is that something I want to risk? Honestly I don't know. His friendship is one of those very few friendships I'd like to keep 'till my dying days so to risk losing this friend is something I don't even want to think about. For now I shall stay in this limbo that I am in... choosing to free fall with this unconventional choice, hoping that the good things we have now becomes better. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.