id
int64 5.11k
4.34M
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | age
int64 13
48
| topic
stringclasses 40
values | sign
stringclasses 12
values | date
stringlengths 2
18
| text
stringlengths 4
790k
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
2,086,819 | female | 15 | indUnk | Gemini | 15,June,2004 | School, was not fun. I had Keyboarding. It was pretty darn easy though I know I didn't get a one hundred. In Global, I got an 88. Between then, I was in study hall listening to my music and listening to Mike complain how he thinks Gackt, is gay. Whatever. Otherwise, I was totally bored. I'm just getting my usual points on newgrounds. I played a little 21 blackjack though. Everyone thinks my hair looks 'cute.' Why cuuuuuuuuuuuuute? Blarghy. Cha cha cha. If you're interested in FF7 and want to see my notes Http://moviegamenotes.blogspot.com Hey. Notes with my commentary is awesome. |
2,086,819 | female | 15 | indUnk | Gemini | 12,June,2004 | It's like 7 and I am finally awake. I'm so bored. Just listening to music. And downloading stuff. I have to get ready sometime today, before to, to hand in my application. Eu, I hope I get accepted. I feel really crappy today. I hope that doesn't affect anything. I'm just really emotionally tired. I wish I could go back to sleep. The last thing I heard last night was 'Oh my gosh, Nemo's going to touch the butt!' I didn't get to see any of my dreams. I really wanted to. Cereal is really yummy and not tough on the stomach. I feel like I'm gonna get sick today. My mom and sister caught that stomach bug and I'm probably next. Of course It will happen today or tomorrow and I still have to go to school. Of course I should because I have finals and whatnot. I hope it doesn't start when Regents up. I really can't miss those. I have 5 more days of school left. I think I will pass the math regents. Barely pass or just fail the earth science and I think writing in German will really kill me. Maybe. I wonder if my mom came home last night. I haven't seen her since she went out. With who, who knows. Why does she do that? She just leaves us here and totally ignores us. I don't get it. So there is absolutely no one here but me and my sister. If we here like this, we would probably kill each other. Gosh. She is going to visit her friend sometime like the end of this month which is bad because I might be working then and I would have to stay here. I don't know why, but my brother and his girlfriend have been having a lot of money problems. I hope they are doing okay and they can come here if they ever need anything. I want to see Junior and Anthony. I have to do laundry. Stacey is here for the weekend and not over at Willy and Norma's. I want this weekend to go by really slow. I have to study for English. Then, I have tons of free time for my Gym period. We are taking a test Regents exam in Math class. Which sucks. I just want to hang out and have fun. Not do work. We already did our final so that is our time. I understand that it would help us with the upcoming test but I really want to be calm and not eww on monday. I really want to pass that exam. Get a 100 even. But if I miss so many little things. I will never do it. Unless I work really hard. Earth Science. I don't really understand it now that I think about it. Though I love science. Something makes me so angry about that class. I think it is the teacher. He is so.. and the art teacher too. They are so cruel and they're are a reason why this world just doesn't change. They call people things that just aren't appropriate, the students. They're rude. Like so many other teachers in that school. I failed the art exam I know that. German. I really don't understand a lot of those things. I can listen to and kind of understand but not fully. I got a 19/20 on the speaking part so that was good. I thought I would have failed. I'm going to miss all of my friends over the summer. Or I think. I painted a picture of Gackt. But my teacher is keeping it for the Chatham Fair. It looks so horrible I think. Better than usual but still horrible. My others aren't any better. It seems that she gets the worst paintings to put up. Hmm. I won't get it until next school year. I guess I get to see it at the fair though. I can show everyone. That is why I want a job. So I can take everyone. We always seem to never be able to go so I want to make sure that we all could and spend time together but everyone would go off with someone else. So there goes that. I hope I still have fun. I think I will be just working over the summer and nothing else. Except for maybe the Warped Tour. Malice Mizer 'Beast of Blood' is such an awesome video. 'Illuminati' is too, kind of sick, but cool. Gackt looks awesome. Okay, they all do. 'Le Ciel' is an awesome song. The video just doesn't want to download for me. 'Illuminati' Live. Whoa. Very odd. I wish we had like that over here. But we don't. I was just watching this video of Gackt and someone else. They went fishing. For the longest time they didn't catch anything. Then there were these too people behind them. They looked their bodyguard or something but whatever. They were laughing. Eventually, Gackt caught one, and the other guy got a little ticked. Then, Gackt caught another, and he got ticked again. Then, the one guy almost caught one, but it got the bait before he could get it. It was so funny. I feel better now. I guess. After that cereal. Kind of nervous, but ah well. |
2,086,819 | female | 15 | indUnk | Gemini | 06,June,2004 | Oh my gawd. It's only friggin' 6:30! School is almost over. This week, Friday finals start, they go on 'till Wednesday, then Regents, and the 22nd is my last day. Maybe the 21. The 16th is my birthday!!! yay! I got an application for Bucky's. I need to get some references darnit. But I don't know who. I don't know very many people outside of my family. That I could use as a reference. Oro.. Hey. Let's Mosey! Whoo! Well, yesterday was atleast 4 weeks since I played my Playstation, 3 weeks 6 days since I last played the Gamecube. But, I was so bored and I know how addicting and fun The Simpsons Road Rage is, that I had to play it. It wasn't my usual game and I didn't play for hours. Maybe an hour. It was awesome. I had fun running people over and whatnot. ugh. I have to laundry today. And my homework. I can't wait until Friday. I have.... I dunno. I know I have English monday and Math, but we are going to use that for Regents review. I already took that final and I got a 90 on the first part. But I dunno. Keyboarding will be easy I hope. We start parts of the English final this Wednesday I think. I have to start studying for grammar. I can't tell any of that stuff. I hate grammar. Then, vocab. That isn't so bad. Hmm. La la. Earth Science is going to be hard and we have the lab practical this Tuesday. Ain't it great? I hate testing. Art, I'll probably fail. Such a boring class. I'm working on a painting of Gackt and it isn't turning out too well proportion wise but hey. It's looks alright. I just need to get the right color for his skin. Global will probably be pretty easy, less than keyboarding but easier than Art or Earth Science. Fefe Dobson rocks. I hope I pass all of my tests. I'm going to miss everyone when school is over darnit. ah well. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 18,June,2004 | I know it still shouldn’t feel like this, like I’ve missed something irreplaceable, something that will never make it back to me, something that I can’t even describe, something intangible but just as devastating. I feel like I’ve lost it somewhere from here to the cornfield, and if not the cornfield, some other just as dull place to lose something valuable and precious. And I only remember that I’ve lost it when I talk to her. Her voice, her life makes me look around and see what I don’t have, what I lack in this life, what I’m missing, hers and only hers. Most days I go home and I see my battered 70’s wallpaper and I think how authentically retro it is, but today it just feels like peeling flecks of the past cluttering up my conscious. Most days I see a relationship that is in a hell of a lot better repair than any one person that I know, but today I feel like it’s a restraint, a corset cinching up my entire potential energy in its archaic clasps. And it’s just her voice that does it. I keep thinking of all these plans that I’m making, all of these great grand adventures that I am going to have, but that’s the indisputable drawback in my life, I’m eternally waiting for something, there are so many things I am always going to do, but I’m never fucking doing them. And that’s why it’s her voice…. Because she is doing them. She without a second whimsical thought of consequences moved to New Mexico because she needed adventure, she tasted the entire open world on her tongue and this Midwest boredom was eating her from the core of her insides. And she went with her kinship soul mate, her eternal girl friend, someone closer than a relationship, a sister. And now that other girl, that girl that is not me, is graduating from college, something that I am always going to do too, and the Desert Princess and this other girl are moving to Southern California, because they can. Because they have some secret knowledge of how you make things happen, of how you just load your car with your belongings and you head to a strange city without worrying about money or a roof or food, because in their world things always work out. There isn’t hunger or homelessness, none of these social injustices can ever infiltrate their world of bikini bodies and tanning sunshine. So it’s petty, it’s selfish, it’s a primitive form of jealousy, I just wish it could be me running off to California with her, packing up my tiny apartment because California’s waves were whispering my name. I wish it could be me just picking up my life and moving, but I don’t know how. Mike and I have been going to New Orleans for six years now, he’s had that map of Louisiana tucked in his infinite boxes of the past for six years now, but somehow in six years we’ve never once managed to make it there. We’re still here, we’re still stuck in Belleville with the boarded up windows and the homeless people that can still afford their cell phone bills. And the white ghetto boys with their gold plated chains and supped up Chevy Cavaliers that their moms and dads bought out of the paper. We’re still here with the single mothers smacking their kids in the head for hitting their siblings, and all my lonely friends and their bad relationships. I’m still here listening to all those girls bawl their eyes out because yes, he cheated fucking again. And I’m still sympathetic, I’m still pretending that I don’t aspire to be anything more than they do, a Midwestern housewife that revels in Ricki Lake, a woman that can sleep till noon while their bad children wet their diapers and watch Blues Clues, but what the fuck do I care because I’m hung over because I was out too late last night trying to escape the boxed fate that I have cemented my entire life into. I can’t stand it here now because hearing her voice reminds me that there is so much more out there, a million things that I am missing sitting here in this dimensionless cube, this particle board prison. Her voice tells me that there is a conceivable way out and I am obviously too stupid and too blind to fucking see it. I don’t have kids, I don’t have ties here, I don’t have responsibilities that prevent my escape, but year after year after fucking year I find myself staring at the same barren stretch of highway, the same billboard signs with JESUS drawn huge across them right next to the sign for St. Louis’s newest Casino. I’m still looking at Mike looking at me wondering when the fuck are we ever going to get out of here, and if we don’t, well then….. we are our parents, the trap has gotten us. We are dead here, walking in a daze until death comes courting us, stuck in our jobs staring at big blaring signs above our desks that read in bold red letters “You are here FOREVER!” I wish it was me with her, but I would be giving up too much, sacrificing a better friend than she could ever be to me. So it’s not really even her…. It’s more that she got out. That’s what I want. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 17,June,2004 | urlLink Okay... So that's not really them.... Sweet mullets though urlLink I moved in next to my neighbors about two years ago. They got the apartment next door a week after we moved in. They came into the community laundry room one day as I stuffed soiled blue jeans into our tiny dryer and wanted to know if I wanted to come over and smoke pot with them. Don is the tall bone thin, skeletal one. He’s pale like he just crawled out of the ground, but he’s got this melted-crayon-wax red hair that makes him look like Opie’s demented and angry older brother. Like Andy Griffith didn’t pay much attention to his needs and jilted emotions, so he grew his hair long, got a bunch of tattoos and pierced every plausible hole he could find in his body. He’s always reminded me of a snake-- with antlers for some reason. Jay is the other neighbor. He is ghetto fabulous and has rims on his car. He goes to the mall to pick up fat chicks that will buy him things, just for his less than charming flattery and attention. I don’t really believe this story, but he insists its true. Don listens to Slipknot and Down. Jay likes all kinds of rap bands I couldn’t even begin to name. I think he might like Jay-Z, but I don’t really know. They really have nothing in common, except their equal love and lack of respect for women, and their amazing ability to use the word bitch at least twelve times in one sentence. They both boast continuously of their ‘bitch getting abilities’. They make claim that they can fuck any girl, given five minutes alone with them. During the first year here, I saw at the very least twenty girls a piece they were fucking at any given time. They had loud parties a lot. They drank, they tripped, but most of all, they smoked enough pot to keep High Times in business. They made their bitches sleep on the porch. They gang banged the girl in apartment three (on video tape) two days after moving into the complex while her boyfriend slept one door down. They showed me naked girls passed out in each of their beds to disprove my theory of their homosexuality. All in all, they were red-blooded, American fucking, smoking and drinking machines. Then the unspeakable happened and each one, violating their sacred playa oath, found a girl that was worthy to be their exclusive. Jay decided it was time to part ways. So he moved into Apt. 3 after the humiliated and properly fucked girl moved out. (I suppose he couldn’t stand to move that far from Don) Jay had his girlfriend move in with him. She’s a normal girl, works at Show-me’s selling chicken wings and her booty, but polite, likes pot as much as Jay. Certainly not suffering from any exceptional cerebral activity, but a nice girl none the less. A girl named Shonelle moved in with Don. She’s a stripper at some seedy club in Centreville (picture dilapidated suburban ghetto) and a heroine addict. This is where the story gets interesting. Jay is still with Kelly, and they seem to live a normal, stoned blissful life. Except for her inability to cook, her many bathroom cosmetics on the counter, and his constant threats of kicking her sorry ass out on the couch. He’s a real confidence builder for her, I’m sure. I’ve never asked. Now Don on the other hand, this is good. He and Shonelle seemed to live in heroine induced paradise for a while, with all of the throwing of household objects, yelling, screaming, punching, and wall shaking. It was like an episode of Jerry Springer every weekend. I’m not going to name names of the guilty here (Jay), but one neighbor is actually known for turning down the volume on everything in his house and listening to the adrenaline and passion fueled brawls that would go on, just like stealing cable. And he would be ecstatic that he was doing so, calling the other apartment occupants to ask them why the hell they weren’t taking advantage of the free entertainment, too. Don and Shonelle would fight over anything and everything. We would all hear through the paper-thin walls. Shonelle wouldn’t kick heroine and was injecting behind Don’s back. Or she’d come home late and refused to tell him where she was. Or she had wrecked his car driving drunk. Then she wrecked the other one. Then he got arrested because she got caught doing ninety on the Beltline drunk and he called the cop an asshole when they got here. Then she od’ed in Arby’s bathroom, blood squirting all over the floor tiles out of the fresh puncture wounds in her elbow crook. That night was crazy. I didn’t know it was possible to punctuate every word in a sentence with a smashing object, but it is. And this practice in hostility can go on for hours. He smacked her, she smacked him. He threw hot coffee on her, she punched him in the nose. She called him a prick, he called her a whore. This could really go on all night. Then Shonelle made the fateful decision to depart from the chaos she had made her everyday life and move into a hotel with a stripper friend of hers. Don wouldn’t give her things to her, so she brought the police and showed them where every piece of drug paraphernalia was kept in the house. Funny thing is, and here’s an irony twist for you, it was all hers. Needless to say Don went to jail for a day or so, and hasn’t been the same since. He has contemplated her death incessantly over and over again. He’s even gone as far as to negotiate and then carry out a few miniscule steps to make this happen for him. You can’t say the man doesn’t have goals, or drive… or psychosis. He’s called her work fifty times a day, gotten the owner of her club so angry he’s offered a Porky’s style brawl with as many as Don’s friends he’d like to bring and the personnel of the club i.e. bouncers, guards, that kind of employee. We’re not talking the waitresses or bartenders here, people. So to help with the financial strain of losing a girlfriend, going to jail, and all the time it takes to plan a murder, a new character named Bad Andy has moved into the household to assist in Don’s time of need. Bad Andy has his own song that is accompanied by bongos. He rides falling trees to the ground to prove his manliness and machismo. He kung fu attacks giant security trucks and shatters his elbow in a drunken rage of testosterone. He likes to down two bottles of Bacardi simultaneously and then karate kick the air for five hours, showing his imaginary opponent who’s really boss. That’s usually when the Bad Andy theme song is engaged and then improved upon, with hours and hours of newly added, never to be remembered verse. For example (for full effect please yell this at the top of your lungs and slur at least every other word), “Bad Andy, he’s the baddest assed mutha fucka around. Bad Andy, he almost fought Dan Sevren from the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Bad Andy, he rides big ol’ bad trees to the ground.” Yes, I realize that has no discernable tune what so ever, you are not pointing out something I was unaware of, for sure. So, I’ve lost my Jerry Springer show next door, but gained a drunken delusional karate kickin bad ass with his own theme song. And best of all, I will still never ever ever cease to be reminded that the pussy is still evil and women are stupid. Thanks Shonelle! Way to reinforce Don’s already warped views on all things feminine. And way to get yourself found dead in a ditch, cut to pieces and the victim of necrophilia. So there’s my apartment building….how’s yours? |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 17,June,2004 | urlLink So I went to this sexual toy party hosted by one of my friends a few Saturdays ago. You know the ones, some liberated middle aged woman comes traipsing through your house hanging up the gaudiest, most gorgeously ghetto-fabulous lingerie in leopard print felt, and sleek purple vinyl. She then unassumingly delves into her very functional opaque pink Tupperware box and pulls from its massive depths a virtual rainbow of vibrating phalluses. I was literally drooling over all of the enticing toys and creams that were carefully and deliberately laid out on the table in front of the group. I mean, what could be more fun than yellow dicks, blue pricks, green cocks, and red condom balloons? I know�how about heating and cooling mint massage oils and synthetic glow in the dark lube to accompany such sexual toy escapades! As much as I enjoyed all of the party games this demure housewife by day, goddess of vibrating, plastic pleasure by night was subjecting us to, the first place prize plaque for highlight of the party goes to the quite portly older female we�ll call Old Ms. Piggy. Well, as the party games (like passing a very large, shuddering dildo to each other by way of our thighs and without hands while spelling out S-E-X) and prizes were played and handed out, each of us girls, in the comforting concealment of each other�s company began to talk about various �inadequacies� of our beloved partners. Now, this wasn�t an all out male bashing session complete with penis picket signs and lesbian propaganda pamphlets. It was the mere mentioning and sharing of things we�d like our partners to either initiate or at least agree to participate in. After each confessional from the party�s players, Piggy would vehemently deny that she and her husband had ever experienced such sexual lack of negotiation. She was constantly interrupting a fellow partygoer�s story with admonishments for the other girl�s gentle passive acceptance of her partner�s resistance to new sexual experiences. And to punctuate her point each time, she would include a disturbing story demonstrating just how �freaky� her baby could get. At one point we were talking openly about blowjob techniques and where each of us preferred the gooey white streams of love to land � the bed, the face, or even for some of us, our hungry little stomachs. She laughed along with the rest of us, her sagging, bulging belly jiggling with her delight, and then said in her booming fat-woman-but-once-may-have-been-a-man voice, �Oh yeah! Old Mr. Piggy makes me take it all over my titties!� Now, I�m all for the bountifully abundant unabashedly getting their freak on as well as the rest of us, I mean we all absolutely deserve good sex, but come on! These exclamations of her sexual abandon and her husband�s insatiability implanted in my head the most grotesque images that still have left their residual, searing imprint against my defiled brain. All I see are her gargantuan breasts sprayed with slimy man milk, shaking like a damn earthquake has just destroyed the prairie lands. But what can I do? Maybe I�m just a bit jealous that this rotund buxom beauty has an over stimulated sex partner that is just too willing to be spanked with a cat of nine tails while Foreigner blares guitar solo love ballads in the background. And what girl wouldn�t derive a bit of deviant pleasure from anally violating her special lover with the vibrating lion�s head of �King Tut�? Only a man of great virtue and supreme confidence in his masculinity can slide the likes of massive �King Tut� into his tiny poop shoot. There�s no sign on his back saying �Exit Only� in bright neon blood red�. Heh heh, no pun intended with the blood red comment. urlLink |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 17,June,2004 | I'm moving some of my better articles and blogs over to this new site complete with pictures and anecdotes galore. For my vast imaginary audience of admirers please bear with me as I make the switch. I'm coming from Diaryland which I had grown irrevocably attached to but unfortunately for me (but great for them) the site has become so overrun with potential posters that the servers are far too often bogged down and out of order. I can't say how often I'm feeling the muse moving my fingers on this clackety keyboard and when I click to post my screen pops with URL not found and I spend the next ten frantic minutes trying to recover what I had just poured out. And of course it's obvious that on these occasions when I lose my information it just so happens to also be my most brilliant writing that is gone. You know, what you write is never more mesmerizing then when you've lost it. So as much as I've really enjoyed posting to Diaryland it's time that we part. Bad thing is now when no more of this indisputable genius comes forth you will all know I was really just bullshitting and it's the same vapid rambling. My convenient excuse will be gone. But on the bright side this is a new beginning with this blog, a fresh start to demonstrate how peculiarly life has changed. I started Diaryland two years ago as Jezebel1205 and some of those posts are as alien to me as if I'd never seen them before in my life. That girl is gone and now so is her blog. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 25,June,2004 | For the past year I had completely lost my interest in sex, it just disappeared, this fleeting lady bug drifting out of my life like she had never been there. I was just done. When Mike and I first met I was insatiable, I wanted it in public, in the kitchen, in the car, really anywhere that I happened to look over and he was there.. I wanted it. I was this horrible Sexxx Monster attacking him constantly, mauling his poor slender body, he was no match for my voracious appetite, and secretly he loved it. But then last year, our fifth year together it just stopped, the Sexxx Monster finally got off, rolled over and fell asleep and that's how it's been ever since. Sometimes I would miss sex, like a vague long lost lover that I may remember slightly fondly, or a hazy dream, but it wasn't a longing, a lust for it. Just a reminder that I used to have it, and then eventually when a slight urge would sting my body the thought of actually working to have sex took over and I quickly lost interest. It was so much simpler to just masturbate constantly, and I mean constantly. I'd wake up and go at it, I'd do it in the shower, before I fell asleep, watching porn, reading porn, thinking about porn. But with all of this electric sexual energy zapping inside of me, I still didn't crave sex in the least. I don't quite know what happened, one day sex was too much work for too little reward and then next the Sexxx Monster had awaken and I was ready to pummel Mike to death in order to squelch her mighty thirst. Seriously, I woke up with the undeniable urge to throw him across the room and straddle him with the force to break his bones. And now the horniness has returned like a lurking cancerous disease. I alluded to the wet warmth from looking at the repulsive Mike Denied (In You're a Rock Star... GG's Dead), but let's be honest here, the man was an eight foot tall ogre, hadn't showered in weeks, practically had gaping junky wounds in the crooks of his arms, bad jail house tattoos, and a wretched beast face, but I was seriously excited. I was genuinely aroused by the manic distressed state, by how absolutely vulgar and disgusting that he was. It was his very repulsion that pulled me closer. I watched him fuck another man in the ass with a drum stick and then suck on a small white vibrator and still I felt the tiny butterflies in my stomach. And I am disgusted with myself. The Sexxx Monster must be stopped if she cannot even distinguish between good roughen boy and bad bad bad damaged junkie dirty scary man. She must be put to rest! Oh and to make matters worse, her imagination has gone overtime, she has no distinction between acceptable and unacceptable fantasies, she has no concern over whether or not I can deal with the people she is putting in bed with me, she just puts them there and ravishes them and I am left with the broken and bloody aftermath of her explosions. I am left going 'EEEEWWWW!!! Oh GOD!!!!! NOT HIM PLEASE, ANYONE BUT HIM!!!!!!' Thank god she only has the power through my dreams and fantasies, if this was real life I would have to succumb completely to her urges and whims. Let's face it, I have a year to make up for. I am far too horny to try and stop her now. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 24,June,2004 | USPS New Stamp This one is impossible to believe. Scroll down for the text. If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it be this! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of PanAm Flight 103! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military barracks in Saudi Arabia! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE! REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on the Twin Towers on 9/11/2001! REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks! Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp. REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp when purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors. REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know. I got this in an email today and I'm not sure whether to laugh hysterically or weep for the vapid stupidity of Midwest America. Yes, all of these bombings did of course happen and were perpetrated in the myth and pretense of religion, but does everyone in America not even remotely acknowledge unpleasant history? If we don't talk about it I suppose that perhaps it didn't happen, but Christians have been slaughtering people in the name of religion for centuries. The Catholic Church is unfortunately notorious for its frivolous mass killings to squelch rebellion and further its own agendas through out time. We may not be as predominant in the media as far as the murder for religion goes today, but Christianity in particular feels its own righteous presence with God as the fundamental religion endorsed by the almighty forces of the Higher Power, and we strut our Peacock dance all across the forest floor encouraging contempt for any of those that think differently than us. And really the first line is what bugs me, anyone with a god damned computer can spread this ignorance all across the globe, they don't' need to check their facts, they don't need to ensure that they're correct in their assumptions, they just twitch their little fingers across the keyboard and there it is. They have no moral obligation to the furthering of truth and enlightenment. So the first line... They don't believe in Christ. Actually they do, they believe that he was indeed a messenger of God sent to do God's work on Earth, but since Mohammed is the seal of the prophets, then Christ cannot be a direct prophet from God. But I'm knitpicking here, I despise organized religion for these exact reasons. Luckily we're showing a nice trend of the reign of the church coming to a slow and agonizing end. No great dynasty goes out of fashion without a last hurrah though. A little Armageddon anyone? |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 24,June,2004 | we were losing touch with each other before i left. you know that right. i put in what you put in. you didn't want to spend time with me. wanted to spend more time with your new work friends, etc. that's cool. anytime you had left over you wanted to spend with mike. i can understand that. your new friends took up the time you spent with your old ones. its really not hard to loose touch when that happens. i don't know what else to say. Well, we all know that I am a shitty friend, this is obvious in the low amount of close friendships that I have and the high amount of distanced ones. I am a friend that swings into battle when there is great conflict, I work better under pressure, I live for the drama. But then when things die down and you want to discuss the daily trivialities of life like a burnt pot roast or your new lover's curled toes, well I'm not interested. I have no patience for the dullness of this blade. We can lose touch and that's okay, but there shouldn't be this thick layer of finality in your words. I'm so used to doing the dropping, used to being the wronged one because I play martyr so well, that her words sting, that and I never wanted her for the sisterly bond that she craved. She was fun, I enjoyed her drunken company, but when the liquor ran out and we all woke up with our head pounding, well things in common became a little less vibrant and obvious. More and more I'm ready for the change here. I turn around and the company that I do keep is just a surface scratch, a band of girls that know no more about me than they do themselves, and that is so little. And I keep them because they are non-committal, they have their own time invested in their own personal lives. I don't need another advice columnist, I don't need another therapy patient, I don't need to really be needed. I'm content here by myself basking in just the residual affects of your friendship. There is no need for us to share every small detail in our lives. And me not knowing your favorite song does not detract from the adoration and respect that I carry for you. You not telling me your boyfriend's name shouldn't have syphoned the same from me. But it did, and my inability to give you the time that you craved, the quality of someone completely enwrapped in every aspect of your life. I can't be that person. I can say that I am too selfish, I am far too absorbed in whatever is holding my attention at this discresionary moment. I can say that but it won't console you any more than my hollow apology. I know that she has been gone for more than a year now, our friendship dwindled and eroded beyond recognition into this mutated version where we parody the closeness that once came so easy. It's an act, a play we put on for each other. I know all of this, but still the officialdom of this note.... I'm saddened by the loss. Maybe this should be a lesson to me, so easy to discard those that don't fit the specific roles I have available in my life. I want it all to revolve around my needs, which I justify my selfishness with the fact that my needs in friendship are minimal. I release myself from blame with the apology that I don't need your companionship to survive, so I can't explain your need for mine. But this has led to the breakdown of the Used To Girls and Crystal. My beautiful and brilliant Crystal flowing effortlessly into Chicago. Her caliber is immeasurable but now it's distinctly absent in my hands. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 23,June,2004 | My best friend Katie and I have known each other since I was seventeen. When I met her she was a slightly chunky girl with the brightest, cutest face like an enchanted chipmunk maybe or an acid tripping cartoon mouse and she had the biggest personality of any girl I had ever met. We clicked instantly, had a couple of experimental lesbien encounters, shucked that whole idea and became like sisters. Katie could quote Bikini Kill lyrics, worshipped Michael Doughty from Soul Coughing, dispensed acid from a pez dispenser, tried cocaine for the first time with me, and had a massive collection of adorable vintage t shirts she would fish out of back woods hillbilly thrift stores in towns with populations equivalent to my graduating class in high school. Katie would pick up and move anywhere. She would run off with some cute welder to the Chicago suburbs, she went into Job Corps just to get away. She left the absolute love of her life to run off to marry a guy she was close to because she was mad at her love. She paid dearly for that one. Three years ago she took off to Carmi, IL with a boy we had all known for ages who turned Dr. Jeckyl on her in the middle of nowhere and she popped up pregnant. That was always a downfall with Katie, even in her most defiantly independent she was always leaning on someone. During the months that she lived at Berkshire and we threw huge parties in her basement and injected coke in her storage room, her parents were footing the bill. During the times that she would break away and run off it was almost always with a man. All this changed about a year ago. She met a man we'll call Dick, a short and dumpy cartoonish yuppy from a small town and fucked up family. He loves computers and Winger, thinks Budweiser commercials are genius comedy, thinks Hooters is fine dining, plays everyone around him for fools with his unassuming dopey personality but is really just a jerk in dick's clothing. Dick was a rebound for Katie after the harsh crash and burn of Dr. Jeckyl, she was crushed and dejected, completely ruined by insecurity now, a paler version of herself. And in Dick she found easy acceptance, someone non-threatening, a man that wouldn't hurt her. She folded easily for him, completely assimilating the role of demure and polished house wife for him as he toiled endlessly in the basement on his beloved computer. She let all of this go and despite an earthshattering discovery near June of last year that left the worst taste in my mouth, but which is truly not my business to discuss in these forums, she discovered she was pregnant. I was crushed. I love her first child, I'm the godmother in a morally loose sense of the title. I'm more there to ensure Katie doesn't snoop through her things or allow her to wear slutty clothing at ten but also to make sure that at sixteen she knows how to properly apply eyeliner. That's another beautiful thing about Katie, she was the world's biggest adventurous tomboy. I recooped though. Afterall... not everything is always about me, so I accepted Dick as best I could and even participated in their wedding in Katie's third month of pregnancy. It was a rushed, but very gorgeous Rennaisance wedding and I swallowed my tongue fifteen times that night. But now there is more. Now he is the worst kind of person, he cheated on her when she was pregnant. And there is nothing that I can do for her but tell her that she is still beautiful and fun and the most generous wonderful person on the planet. So if Dick ever so happens to read this, I can't call you and bitch you out so just know that I have your number bitch. You are the lowest scum on this Earth and what you have done will follow you through every part of your dull little yuppie life. You were never worth her time, never deserved her giving, never deserved her period. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 22,June,2004 | At the bank: My eyes are charcoal black raccoon eyes, all bloodshot and night driven. 'What'd you do last night?' Well.... The girls I work with aren't particularly prudish nor the exact replication of a beatnik Square, they're just more along the lines of your Girls Gone Wild special feature video. They might shake they're tiny college asses in a thong contest but any show of public indecency and lacking morality beyond that is just a demeaning exercise in low class bad taste. Unless you do it at one of the posh clubs they frequent on the weekends where you must have a dress code to get in but for the right price you can reserve their VIP lounge for hedonistic video recorded sexual intercourse with five drunk girls and a misogynist pig that thinks stroking himself is voyeuristic foreplay. But they're not bad people, just a little bit misguided by their demigod-- the media, maybe their pop stars, maybe their own status worshipping upper middle class suburban parents, I don't know. So, 'What did you do last night?' Well, I know I can't say nothing, the wrist band still clinging to my arm and the hand stamp of the bar I was in last night are as obvious as the hangover breath I'm spreading all over this place. But how do I say to them what I really did. I want to tell them, but honestly, this place is so ass backwards in its snap judgments, I swear it would show up in my yearly review come October. 'Well, Jaime, you do an okay job here, of course you need to sell more as that is our biblical mantra, but we have also become aware of the immoral freak show that you participate in on the weekends.' So I want to say, Well, I went to see the Murder Junkies last night. They're the last remaining remnants of a punk era long past with the death of GG Allin and it's more nostalgic to see them than it is entertainment. Mike Denied was singing for them, all tall lanky tattooed scary man complete with bloody bottle cuts and punches to the head. At the end of the show during Bite It You Scum Mike Denied whipped his little dick out and slung it all over the stage, reigning with his dildo in hand. Dino the naked drummer, was in fact naked, and all this sounds like a good time had by all, and oh it was. But today with the hangover buzzing and the early morning alarm clock ringing, the entire charade glares hollow. It's like a piece of the destructive past that we were all so attracted to becoming so ordinary that a man being beaten on stage barely registers, it's run of the mill. Now you have to reach a step further. But you're forty and still rocking, but your crowd is twenty and completely lost to what you've done in your life. So that's what I want to say to them, that last night was all sex drugs and rock n roll, but it really wasn't quite like that. It was more a display, a sideshow tribute to how things should have been, a death certificate issued to our own self destructive teenage angst that buzzes in our skulls like swarms of gnats. But instead I just say, Oh I went to a concert because a suit and tie bank is really no place for anything that the dirty bottom base of rock n roll has to offer. On a side note.... Why do all the trendy scenesters in St. Louis wearing their sixty dollar vintage thrift t shirts all strut like super rock stars across the bar? Sure it's an attitude to possess, but do you have to be such a dick? I mean, you and every other wannabe superstar with mom's budget and a tattoo gun are in a short lived band too, does that make you all special? Well, then I would think that you could wipe that snide little smirk off your face for just two seconds long enough to take my money at the door. Yeah, you're a rock star. Dick. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 29,June,2004 | urlLink D urlLink From a summarization of English law in 1632 titled 'The Lawes Resolutions of Women's Rights.' 'In this consolidation which we call wedlock is a locking together. It is true that man and wife are one person, but understand in what manner. When a small brooke or little river incorporateth with Rhodanus, Humber or the Thames, the poor rivulet looseth her name.... A woman as soon as she is married is called covert.. that is, 'veiled'; as it were, clouded from and overshadowed; she hath lost her streame. I may more truly, farre away, say to a married woman, Her new self is her superior; her companion, her master...' I am not a poor rivulet!!!! We're, or I should say I, are having an issue with me dissolving my name and taking his in replacement. He feels I have to bear his shame, I think he's just too steeped far in tradition to understand why he would even want to continue such an archaic and useless tradition. Is it ridiculous to have an attachment to my last name? It comes from a long distance, out of the picture father, so it's not that I want to continue some abstract family heritage that I'm proud of. It's a simple last name, two syllables, nothing complicated, nice and Irish. But mostly, it's just who I am. It's like by taking his last name that I am forgoing completely this person I've worked 24 years to become and now I am going to give her up. Just because some long dead men in white powdery wigs think that my entire estate and being should be dissolved and incorporated to serve my husband. Should I deliver to him a goat and two acres at the alter too? Should I track down my dad and demand that he pay up with my dowry? Well, now's not a good time at all to say that I haven't remained chaste until marriage, looks like I've blown the whole thing. I'm marrying him, isn't that good enough. His family name is meaningless to me, except that it defines who he is, it labels him so that I can pick him out of the yellow pages more easily. So why do I have to give my existence and adopt his. We would still be legally bound, I would still be pledging eternal monogamy till death do us part, and that is the fucking sacrifice right there, so why the name too? I feel like by giving into this I am saying that who I've been all this time is insignificant. My being is not worthy of maintaining its own label, I have to assume someone else's . When Katie got married she was worried about dropping her last name too, her last name was spoken with reverence, people identified her not as Katie but a combination of both names. They flowed together, and they truly were an emblem of who she was, wild and reckless Katie with confidence and wit to spare. But she decided that she was ready to shed that person, leave her skin snagged on desert rocks and adopt this new Puppet sounding last name. She was ready to be a new person. Changing her last name became a fresh start to her, a symbol of new beginnings. Well, I don't need a fresh start or a new beginning. I don't need to shed any part of me, I like who I am. I don't want to be someone else. And sure you can argue that changing my last name doesn't remove any actual part of myself, I will still be the same person. But that is bullshit. If it doesn't change any part of me then why do it? And the best answer anyone can come up with is 'Because you're supposed to'? Says fucking who? If they're male, no offense, you have special interests in this subject. I don't care what liberation you claim to believe in, marriage is a sense of property for you. And if you're a woman, You should fucking know better. I get so mad at him over this. He says we're not getting married if I don't cave. But I am about the most stubborn person on the planet and giving into this is an acquiescence I can't justify. If I give I'm saying it's okay, that because it is a traditional practice that has not been challenged for centuries then it is acceptable, it is okay. I swear to god, I will find a fucking goat to give him if he wants tradition this bad. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 28,June,2004 | We're having a Big Wig Convention here at my branch today, which is ironic in its own way. Thirty years ago my branch was the epicenter for my company's Southern Illinois Business realm, but now DT Belleville as a whole is all dilapidated buildings and boarded up houses with tiny mom and pop shops struggling to even keep their lights on. It's sad down here, and I suppose in some type of bureaucratic loyalty we continue to hold all of our important meetings here to appease the community. Our company as a whole is very big into face value in the community, even if there is nothing behind this face to back it up. We like to at least SAY we're all up in improving our community. So all the giant figure heads with the Styrofoam foam domes are here strutting around the office like pissed off horney roosters in our farm yard. My boss is the only female among them, her tenacity alone deserves my respect, but I love how she holds her own with their dirty tit jokes and ball scratching. She stretches out her lips and adjusts those bad fuckers just to keep up, and just because she can. You have to love that. urlLink Oh No! urlLink Part of the fun of today is watching a gentleman we'll call Mr. Snatch. I used to work for Mr. Snatch before I was transferred out of his department. My first impression of him was that he was a cocky fucker, but I had no idea how depraved he could truly be. He is the official game player, the man with all the illegitimate answers and no substance in his words. He struts his bad stuff all over here, a kind of slide and gallop pimp walk that truly compliments his gaudy mustard yellow shirt and tie ensemble. He has a pickler tickler mustache that any true 70's porn god would be jealous of, envious of the well groomed slightly highlighted thick stache he sports that muffles his lips and tickles his fancy. I swear I am so hoping to be reveling in some truly gruesome hairy cheap porn and there comes his tanned and waxed ass pumping across the screen, I will piss myself with laughter. It's not so much that he is a bad guy, he's rather nice and actually pretends to look you in the eye as he really is inspecting your breasts, which really, that's just a respect I could never ask for. But it's his projected untouchable attitude that bothers me. I want to scream at him that I know he's at the pool when he says he's in meetings, or that I saw him with the transvestite hooker named Zelda on Broadway. But really is it any of my business? It's just my jealousy talking, I deep down inside want Zelda... Nah. Well, I'm off to watch his sexy peacock dance... Ber ber chicka chicka berr berr. Woh woh. (This is literary porn music... Enjoy) |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 28,June,2004 | I'm playing receptionist at work today, our regular is at a Dr's appointment for a nasty recurring corn on her pinky toe. It's not so bad up here except that I'm wide in the open and I feel the eyes peering at my computer screen as they walk by, of course it is possible that I'm exceptionally paranoid and no one at this job really gives a shit what I do. But then that would completely marginalize the absolute importance of my job structure here. Okay, I'm a peon, but I can lie to myself all I want. Today I've been bombarded with the elderly, all twitchy combativeness and glorified olden days. Apparently it's my fault that during the Truman administration the government treasury was paying up to 13% on CD's and now we are barely registering at 4%. But I'll take the blame, I'm the face on that damn Greenspan's stamp of approval. These poor old people, and I stretch to call them that because truly they are about the absolute craziest customer base that I could have, pretty much have to live on the measly interest that their CD's produce every month. Now I am not near an expert on economics, in fact I don't understand a damn thing about them, but I do know quite a bit about putting faces on the poverty and misery that comes with suddenly turning 75 and having no one in the world taking care of you. I see it so much, their spouses pass away and they are lost in this complicated world of credit bureaus and power bills and debit cards. We might as well be asking them to conduct their finances in ancient Japanese script. So as much as I hate them, I feel for them. Really, I'm far too empathetic to be in this 'Sell or be sold' business of banking. But as much as I feel for the elderly I want to choke the shit out of them too. Today I had a woman at nine in the morning stumble into my office wreaking of the most potent potato backwater moonshine possible demanding I turn her EE bonds into HH bonds, which really barely manages a difference but it makes the old feel like they're doing something constructive with their money. Well, she was way too drunk to comprehend even the simplest instructions, like sign here or sign there. Or you're only going to earn 1.5% on your money for the next twenty years, but hey, I was really just a little jealous that she was having a better time than I was serving her. So I let her sign her name as I tried my hardest to decipher her strange and senseless questions like, 'When I get these bonds, I can trade them in right?' Trade them in for what? If you want to trade them then maybe we should talk about that now and not turn them into HH Bonds. Or 'If I give these to my son and I'm not dead... Is that okay?' Excuse me? Crazy people. My other elderly story of the day is a maniac 78 year old yelling at me on the phone that I swiped her money. Turns out we just closed her CD out a week prior so that she could deposit it into her checking. She doesn't remember doing this so she insists that I took it and went shopping 'Or Whatever it is you damn kids do.' Long story short, I had to hunt down copies of her signature on the withdrawal form and deposit slips, and even still she was pissed. 'Well, I still don't think you should have done that.' Hmmm. I should have went into the palm reading business. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 27,June,2004 | There's nothing coming today, just a sick swimming in my head, but nothing dripping out. My head is being selfish with her ideas, she is angry at something, demanding a sacrifice for the cause. Maybe a little bit of beer would quench her, but I doubt it. She is a cruel little nemesis. I give her cat power, I give her my pleas. But she just relishes in her cruel behavior like a toddler, and it's even more infuriating that she is just really a cold reflection of me, she is just me in the puddle of glass glaring deep into my eyes, it's a stare down with her, always a pissing contest. I want to take her out to the cliffs, out to where I used to sit by the ocean and watch the waves roll so achingly slowly in, watch the piers fill with tourists, suck deep down the salt in the air. I want to take her there and drown her and contort her vapid face into agony, because still she brings me nothing. It's one thing when you know there is nothing in there, when the emptiness of your head aches with its own vacuum, a headache of stupidity, but it's entirely another when you can hear all of those people and places and events whispering in your head, whispering just beyond your reach. I'm stretching to eavesdrop, to capture their wispy spirits but they slide through the air before my face even appears with my butterfly net. They know I'm coming before I can even feel my fingers. So now I'm stuck here with this sticky frustration clinging to me, a filmy residue of failure spread thick across my skin. And I know that she, that great and triumphant She, she's up there just musing away, typing and clacking at her own keyboard amassing all of those novels and stories that should rightfully be mine. She doesn't realize by holding them hostage, by cornering them in captivity she dwindles her own power, diminishes her presence even further, fades those apparitions to lingering smoke in my head. She's only hurting us. By not releasing them she leaves the sting and ache deep in my mind, numbing it into submission. By not releasing those demons, she is dooming us both. But she doesn't care. She doesn't want to be free. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 08,July,2004 | Our air's out at work and it's hitting 90 here in the Midwest today. There's a breeze through our lobby because we've propped all of the doors open. Apparently when this building was designed an over abundance of doors was a direct signifier of financial prosperity so we have roughly about eight in our front lobby alone. Not to mention all the secret and side vault cave doors that are throughout the scary dungeon basement of the building. So we're all sweating our asses off with fifty fans moving the hot sticky air from one end of the bank to the other. My ass sticks to every surface it touches, my skirt rides up and affixes to my legs, my arms are like velcro. Mike says no sympathy, he's working outside and drenched in summer time sweat. Try doing that in pantyhose. The muggy oppressive heat is just making me crabbier as the day drags on. The Desert Princess is back in town, riding in on her Lizard King and now demands my presence. I shouldn't say it like that. I try to reverse the roles and estimate my own fury if she evaded me as I try to her. It's just easier to see her on my own terms, on the grounds that I create. The more and more that I look Crystal was right, I do make my friends cater to my demands. I have no room for compromise. I want them when I want them and most of the time I don't. So I would love to go to her and have things just flow smoothly between us like water, but the conversation is halting and jolted with pregnant pauses. It would be so nice if we could even fool ourselves in pretending that this friendship even exists, but it doesn't. We were sisters but the cord was severed and now it's like we've been separated at birth. What do you talk about? I know nothing about her life, she's become a residual friend. All we share is the past, so I take Katie as a buffer. Katie you fill the void and silence while we sit and try to decipher these new features that have affixed to our faces. And really, as sad as it is I'm more excited about running off to the woods with Katie, because I don't have to pretend with her. It flows naturally despite the changes. There is a never ending tearful sea that has spawned between Kristi and me and we will never get that back, never dry these rivers. We are just stuck floating aimlessly looking to the other one for solace that is not there. We want so badly to be those girls that finish each others sentences and complete the others thoughts, but we can't. We lost that ability the day we lost common ground, it's just been a clunky hill falling out of love since. It would be easier if we had just been gay, easier to break up and cite differences, move on. With this, the ending of the single greatest relationship we had ever had until then, it's like a gaping hole. A bright pink elephant in the room that none of us are looking at. So back to my sweating ass. I still have an hour and twenty minutes left here and now the toilet has backed up and foul green snaking odors are moving through the lobby wreaking of yesterday's shit vestibule and I think that really might have to vomit just to get out of here. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 05,July,2004 | 'Of course there was a flirtation, I'm not oblivious. But it was a purely intellectual one.' And this is worse, that is the news I come to bear. It is worse not for face value of what it is, not for what I had always wondered if it was. It is worse because for so many years you blatantly denied any effectual feelings between the two of you, rendering back and forth, denying ever ill intentions on her part. You made me feel stupid and insane for even questioning you. You brought me to the conclusion that my jealousy was useless and unprovoked, I completely trusted you and in turn grew to mistrust myself. And that is the worse betrayal here. All along you knew that it was what I was saying it was, but you turned your head and scribbled up your face and pointed those bright eyes at me and essentially said, 'You're crazy.' So today I don't even care about what it was so long ago, it's useless to let these feelings of the past dictate and manipulate my future, but still your words are ringing in my head and once again you're not the infallible innocence that I had always come to see. You are just as imperfectly human as me, and just as guilty in our flaws. I think the only difference is that you have the gift of completely blindsiding me. After all of this time of me telling you that you are the one oblivious to her advances, it was me who was oblivious to your welcome reception of them. I forget so easily, and six years I have done this, you may not be telling the absolute truth, your words may half shells of diluted truths. That is your gift to me, I suppose. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 17,July,2004 | Well, last night ended my long standing run of nocturnal fidelity. Since the Sexxx Monster has reared her insatiable dripping wet head, Mike has been the only man I've been having phenomenal sex with while I dream. One morning I woke refreshed after dreaming he had been slowly fingering me until I came and another he had fucked the hard shit out of me. They've all been great dreams. But last night The Carpenter came waltzing through the hospital cafeteria halls to find me pressed against a stark white wall waiting for him. He kissed me hard in front of everyone, the entire lunch room buzzing loud with electric noise. Scott, Rhea, Katie T. and DP were all at a table staring with disapproval as The Carpenter smashed his hands into my breasts -- which is very much a Mike thing to do. None of my other boyfriends have quite had his fascinations with breasts. But it was good and then just as fast it was over. He pulled back from me, tugged hard and insistent at the waisteline of my jeans and then left. I spent the rest of the dream wandering the hospital looking for him as Katie T. followed behind me berating me for making out with him. I knew it was wrong, so I suppose Mike was in my dream. He was an abstract moral entity that I owed loyalty to, but disavowed him in my slumbering search for The Carpenter's hands. I'm actually thankful today that my dreams are so frighteningly vivid. Last night we had sex with me on top facing his feet, which was fun, and actually felt very good . But it started the same way it always does. His hands just enough near my ass to slowly rub as a gage of whether or not I'll let him fuck me. What happened to the overzealous worshipping rubbing of my body? I still rub his. I still blow him as much as I can. I still go out of my way to make sure that he is enjoying sex. What happened to his unbridled desire to absorb my body into his? When did sex with him become mechanical? Is it a rut he's in? Like he has a formula that has proven effective and now that is what he sticks with? I feel like anymore when I let him finger me he's really just plodding through the necessary chores to get to the actual treat he wants. Which could be my problem too. Is the only time that I get that same Mike whispering in my ear that he can't keep his hands off of me only when we're in snow? I'm not saying that I demand that kind of attention of devotion all the time, but once between the six fucking months that we are in the snow would be nice. Shit. Maybe I miss him drinking. I probably shouldn't place all of the blame on him, maybe I need to reevalutate what I'm doing too. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 15,July,2004 | The night before I mutated into a firefly princess Mike and I voyaged into the same wilderness just the two of us with two trash bags full of our belongings we were ready to part with. I expected cathartic release, a vast weight lifted from my heavy heart, I expected a sense of growth and well being, proof I had come a little further in the torrent of this repetitious life. It didn't come. If anything I felt a little sad that I was still exploring the same juvenile themes and a little sadder that every person I've ever known and cared for has fallen by the wayside of my life. They are barely the froth on the ocean's waves. Some don't register at all. The pintacle of the letting go and purging of the night were Shaun's wistful and romantic letters professing the desperation of love only a forlorn, repeatedly rejected, apathetic fifteen year old can. His letters were like a tugging, a frantic pulling at me to be with him. I don't remember there being such an urgency in our fling, but I read a letter that I had written to him after he had started seeing his this monstrous evil spider girl, and I was just as lost as he was. I had forgotten completely that at one time I had loved him so much. There has always been a dull awareness that he was my first love, the first person I invested those kind of feelings into, but I had let the fact that we were completely intense in our young and naive age slip away from me. It's near impossible to reconcile the man that comes to our house now-- pompous, arrogant, judgmental, slightly fake, disinterested-- to the sweet and intelligent boy that I had fallen so hard in love with. I guess in a way, as sad as I was to watch those letters burn in that fire, letting them go was officially letting go of that entire era, it's good that I burned them. Now I remember why I had loved him so much. But it's sad to see those love letters go. They're the only ones I have. Mike is still hoarding his baggage, preening and polishing it deep in the recesses of our house. He preaches so well, all high on his pulpit, booming the damnation and sin of me carrying people around for so long, long after they've died right in front of me. He judges so well, it's an art form for him, but he's just as bad as the hyprocritical preachers in sleazy Cadillac. He can surely see the error of your ways, advise you on how to live, but he can't let go of anyone either. I found a few letters from Mike Hodges too. Now he's haunting my dreams. I had forgotten him too. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 13,July,2004 | This weekend I went camping in the middle of Nowhere which is three lefts from Anywhere and hot as hell too. I trudged through the humid clouds of mosquitoes with the Desert Princess and Katie just to chug multitudes of beer and jello shots. There was even a little green grass lying in the camping grounds, but I declined, I didn't want to eat like a mad cow and pass out since I hadn't seen the Desert Princess since Christmas of last year, and I am near positive we were still fighting like spoiled children over candy canes. But now she's back and sleek and golden with a New Mexico tan and small laugh lines around her eyes that instead of aging her face have finally lent a wise quality to those eyes that usually rim with dullness and disinterest. I'm damn excited to say that the entire night went without a fight or explosive drama. Katie, DP and my mom ate jello shots from our Rainbow bag and eventually switched to shots of tequila with slices of lemon stuck in their teeth like a bad child's gag. When it became dark and suddenly turned midnight we rode to the beach a few blocks away, me so careful not to allow the car to swerve down the winding road. We swam in the dark black of the man made lake while the street lamps of a bridge ten miles away shimmered off of the water's surface. We danced in the water, drunk and free, and shouted how happy we were to be alive, even though most other days it's barely true. DP pulled us all behind a bouey and told us to be very quiet, she had seen flashlights and heard men talking on the beach. The park police yelled for us to stop hiding and come ashore, shined the lights on our pale flabby bodies and scolded us for having beer near the shoreline. I teased Katie about blowing one of them, we went back to camp disappointed we had been stopped from swimming so quickly. As the night wore on we were drunker and drunker and the fire grew bigger and overpowering and soon we were transformed into fireflies moving and swaying naked as the day we were born as Muddy Waters crooned his sad song from our radios. I remember flashes like still lifes but not fluid movements, the alcohol biting at my memories. The Desert Princess and I were slightly home again, the petty fights of two years ago and stolen boys and passivity all behind us, and we were clicking like sisters. Still inside of me is a jealousy I can't shake. All of her successes and all of my saying I'll do it. I'll go to school, I'll lose this swelling weight, I'll move out of this town. And she has done all of those things. I feel like I have done nothing. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 23,July,2004 | Where in the hell am I? That is the question that I'm asking myself. I've become entangled in this web and over time grown accustomed to captivity. I just don't understand how I ever found myself here. Yesterday I'm standing outside smoking with Stephanie. We smoke at the back of the building looking over High Street and walking towards us is a very cute couple in their early twenties. I think they just bought the cafe on West Main, they're caught up in the Downtown's barrelling renovation from sluggish mom and pop shops to bohemian paradise. The boy was tall and slender with brown dreadlocks poking in crazy patterns all around his head. He was cute in a pale, emaciated sort of way. His girlfriend was in a black and white swirl hippie dress with her hair pulled back long over her back. They seemed like they would maybe be interesting but from various experience in this town they're probably just struggling with an attempt to be big city cool in small town obscurity. Stephanie turns to me, sweet and naive Southern Stephanie who's only seen two real penises live and in person her entire 34 years and who didn't try a drop of alcohol until her 30th birthday, she says, 'They're scary, don't you think so?' Oh, sigh. No Stephanie I don't think so. Where did I go so terribly wrong? Where did the road fork and I decided to trollop along the bland lines of these girls in their Old Navy wear and Black Eyed Peas CD's? What the fuck was I thinking? I know, I'm bitching, I'm not changing. The sad thing is... I know most of the time that I do not fit in with them, I listen to their stories of how horrible their men treat them and I listen to them whine about how poor they are. And all I can think is fucking knee him in the groin and walk out. Stop being so fucking dependent. Don't stay for your kids, you're teaching your children that abusive behavior is run of the mill in a marriage, you're teaching them that the women in their lives have no backbone, have no gumption to get anything done. And I'm thinking, you wouldn't have bounced that check if you hadn't have spent 30 dollars on a pizza last night. Go to fucking Schnucks and buy a five dollar oven bake. I've surrounded myself with people that need caretakers and I'm tired of playing mother hen to them. Fuck! We'll even ignore all of these cardboard, by the wayside friends I keep during business hours and at bars, and let's talk quality and substance, let's talk Katie. Katie is on antidepressants right now. She's in the process of talking to a counselor. She's miserable, she's broken completely and all because of this piece of shit stupid fuck man that has painted her into a corner with napalm. And I want to hate him all day long and send death threats and make bomb scares and torture him with rain water, but really. It has come to the defining realization of dawning in my face... She stays with him and there is nothing that I can do. We can sit here and talk about the kids all day long until we're both bloated and angry, but the only thing that she is teaching her girls is that you need to stand by your man. Put up with whatever sewage he throws your way because it is better to have a man than to be alone. And I think, am I too preachy, am I working with convuluted logic because I do have a man, I am getting married? I don't think that I am. I work in a partnership. We both cook, we both clean, we both work to validate the other's feelings. Mike never comes home from work and grunts in man talk about why his dinner isn't set before him like a galant king. And I can't really see Mike ever telling me to make do after I got out of the hospital and I was facing surgery. It makes me so fucking angry that my Katie has been reduced to this sniveling, groveling for affection, dependent gooey residue of her former self. She has no self worth, her entire worth is genetically binded with a man who genuinely doesn't give a shit. He's worthless. He is a walking paycheck. He adds no value to her life, he is just a representation of what she truly wants which is a partner that shares her beliefs and her attitudes and her quirky habits and one that will take an active role in her most important endeavor, her children. And I hate that she has locked herself into a loveless marriage that is doomed to fail because Katie will stick it out until there is nothing left but a bloody visceral gorey mess of her life. She will toughen up and internalize the philosophy that a failed marriage is a failure in herself. Not ever realizing that her only failure was ever marrying this ignorant fuck. I know that her new baby is a blessing that she loves her children more than anything on the planet, but I also know that deep down inside... the baby was the worst thing that could have happened. Before, Katie had a way out. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 19,July,2004 | Alright. Well it's just fucking official. I can no longer take their pushy little prune fingers. I have to do it. It's a matter of destiny here. I have finally had enough of this shit so I am going to go run in our lobby and throw myself down on that 70's retro mute-puke blue tile, yank my hair out and start screaming like a spoiled rotten child. That is just it. Oh I will show all of you with your hands out and your yuppie lips all snarled and your wretched Katie Lee Gifford chiffon pants who's the boss now! I am going to scream and foam at the mouth and claw at the floor until every one of you god damned asses finally leaves me the FUCK alone!!!!!!!!!!! Okay. That went well. I feel better now. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 29,July,2004 | He drives me crazy sometimes. I wake up and his hands are on me and his back is moving above me and he smells like wet dirt and musk. I can't help but fall into him because he is still the sexiest man I've ever seen. I'm still far too in love with him. I'm still always waiting for him. I still need the sound of his voice and I need to hear that I'm beautiful and I need to hear him laugh. So when he doesn't I immediately think it is me, it is us. And that is my own ridiculous insecurities. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 28,July,2004 | I feel it as an itch in my chest. He's quiet and short in his answers. I'm growing restless again. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 27,July,2004 | urlLink Hungover Jamie urlLink Well, it's going to be a fucking shitty day. I've got the damn beer shits, all rumbling volcanic tummy and olympic bathroom runs resulting from a night of 50 cent Coors Light draft beers at some bland yup bar on the West Side. I've called into work with some lame mumbled voicemail excuse about personal problems. For some weird reason my entire body has the vague scent of moldy socks and last night was a stupid disaster. We're clinging to once intense friendships that are barely audible above a whisper. And it's because I went through the loss of her 6 day old son and that we were the only two people on the planet that understood the necessity to spend the next six months intoxicated weeping for him. Everyone else wanted her in counseling which would have been the right thing to do, but it wasn't what she wanted. Now she has a new friend which is actually a small blessing as I try to fade slowly into the background, blend in with the plastic ivy snaking up her walls. I whisper to her that love is such a delicate thing but all she hears is that I'm leaving when the sun sets. Promises promises. So last night the new friend Shannon pushes her lower lip out in mock childish pout because Rachel and I won't leave yet. She turns to me to ask, 'Why are you doing this?' It's an awkward moment. I know that I don't belong here, I'd been staring at the flickering televisions thinking that all night. They were asking me if I knew who Kenny Chesney was and if I liked some fucking guy named Trent or Butch or Chuck. Of course I don't. I'm going to run away and live with Lisa Carver. She'll love that, she just doesn't know it yet. I'll bet she'll never ask me who Kenny Chesney is. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 27,July,2004 | Well, kiddos, it's time for some good old fashioned work whining. Now, I try to keep this to a comical minimum but today the beast must be unleashed. I've just gotsta bitch. I'm supposed to be off at 4:30 today, every day in the remaining time as a Personal Banker here, but today I vollunteered to help out our teller line because well, I need to make friends with these girls now if I'm going to be transferring back here once I start school full time again. So I'm chilling back here, waiting on the bleach blond fabios and the soccer mom's with platinum brains and bitchy attitudes and I'm okay with that. It's actually a nice change. Being a teller I only have to listen to them complain for three minutes tops, being a Personal Banker... They could be in my cube for hours. You can't make them leave sometimes. So I'm vollunteering because some girl back here pulled the stitches in her wisdom teeth. She's supposed to be closing tonight... 6:30. Well, it was all arranged that I would still be leaving at 4:30 and that Cassie would stay. Ten minutes later Cassie is back here saying 'I need to go to the doctor. I'm really scared I'm pregnant.' She pulled this shit a week ago, all woe is me, I might have a baby while secretly reveling in the attention. She took a test and it was negative but now all of a sudden after agreeing to pull the remaining grueling last two hours here, this test isn't good enough and she needs to go to Planned Parenthood. So I'm essentially staying here because Cassie doesn't know how to use a condom and can't seem to find Planned Parenthood's number when it comes to getting a monthly dose of birth control. But if it gets her out of work then she's got the fucker on speed dial. Alright, so I'm being a little bit of a whiney baby. I don't think I would mind so much if it was legitimate (No pun intended) like Cassie pulled her stitches in her wisdom teeth. But she knows damn well that she's not pregnant, she's just pulling a little bit of the forlorn, immature post adolescent teenage drama that comes along with a possible pregnancy. I know the drill, I've seen it a million times. The last mother fucking thing in the world you need is a baby but you just can't resist the tantalizing lavishing of attention. Behind her adament denials of being even remotely happy, lurks a residual smirk saying, 'Well, my life is at a standstill right now, I'm feeling a little purposeless, loveless. You know what would fix this? Fucking baby!!!!' I'm so sick of people's kids. I'm so sick of people. I need a nap like a damn kindergartner. I'm in bitch mode and even good sex doesn't get me out. I'm just walking about with a stick up my ass because I'm angry enough to do so. I think my Thom Yorke needs to come in so I can stalk him. And because I'm being so pissy about two extra hours stuck in this plexiglass prison with the rich girls baby club I've managed to stuff my face effectively all day. So that means I've blown what was supposed to be the week I cut down on this fat ass shit. Oh yeah, picture it, me stuffing my unhappy little face while I preachfully declare everyone before me inferior. Oh man.... I am so having a Comic Book Guy moment. Why can't I just live in Springfield? There my eccentricities and bitchy quirks would not only be appreciated but they would be heralded in a town of quick mob violence and rowdy drunkeness. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 25,July,2004 | urlLink I wanna be PJ urlLink I need some inspirations so PJ Harvey's Uh Huh Her has been blaring from my speakers. Still to no avail. Maybe I should go start a fire, that should jump start the creativity. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 25,July,2004 | It's true that I am bitchy today, every word is abrasive and unnaturally acidic from every mouth I see. I am cringing at my mother's pauses and rambling paragraph desertions and her lack of proper phone etiquette. I'm angry at Mike's new natzi like involvement (control) with our finances. I realize he's right and that's what singes further. I know we're broke, I know the only way we're ever getting Vegas is by evaporating our current understanding of money, but that doesn't mean that I go so willingly. I'm angry because I have no space of my own. I feel bombarded and closed in by this house, no matter how high my ceilings are or how many rooms are here. None of them are mine, I don't feel comfortable in any of them. There is no place that I can go to and shut out the world and type away my inane thoughts. I'm just locked here in the dining room and not having any private space makes me feel that even Mike's most innocent gestures are invasive. He comes to kiss me on the neck and I guiltily hide this screen. It's not because there is anything particularly juicy that he cannot read later. It's because I need something so badly today that is mine and mine alone, something that belongs to me even if it is in this abstract cyber world that does not exist in space but in intricate computer code. I'm just pressed in upon and I'm restless and I don't know what to do with myself. I want to run away. Pack my bags upstairs and start walking to the ends of the earth because there, at least there, must be some small space that can be my own. Ugh. I feel this shaking, manic energy inside of me. I want to paint, write, make a collage. But I am distracted. There is nothing in my head again that is ready to come out. She is holding them hostage once again. That is the way with her. She gives me the means, the quaking hands but she doesn't give me the picture to draw. I suck at drawing anyhow. My last painting was a travesty of the brush. Really, Wal-mart should have repossessed my paints. I should have gotten a call from anyone with talent demanding that I cease and desist. I'm not even quirky or anti-art in my art, my art is more the equivalent of a third grader mad at her family for not buying her horse. It's that depressingly bad. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 25,July,2004 | urlLink My Stalkee? Could be. urlLink He needs to stop coming here, he makes my heart go all fluttery when he just keeps following me with his eyes. Mostly I just like the attention, but I also like to pretend that he is just this certain type of person, when it is very obvious he is not. No I shouldn't say very obvious, becuase if it were that blatant I wouldn't have all of these sordid ideas in my head. He waits for me to say hi to him because he knows that I have to, I'm occupationaly bound to say hello. And he knows that I know his name and either he gets kicks out of this or he is just as shy and reserved as I can be. He showed me a few of his tattoos one day but seemed inconvenienced by my questions. When he is in my cube he's rather reserved and guarded, he snidely remarks about school and moving to New Orleans. He's a bit haughty, but that just makes him all the more challenging. And if there is nothing I like more about a boy it's that he's damn near impossible to snag. But there will be no snagging for me. Not even a vain attempt at asserting myself into his life. I'm just gonna watch him walk in and out that revolving door and simply admire the slightly homosexual white sweater he's wearing. Some days he borders on a gay bike messenger and a savvy thrift store shopper. What's even more fun is that he looks a lot like Thom Yorke. He's just so strange it intrigues me. He follows me around the lobby, his head always facing my direction even when he is conducting business in the opposite, but he's always hanging in my peripheral vision. He never quite focuses on me so it's not exactly like staring. He is just such a weirdo. He won't come and talk to me, it's obvious he likes me, so instead he just stares at our receptionist desk if I am making copies. I guess it's all for the better though. I don't need no damn temptation, especially with all of these crazy hormones wreaking havoc on my feminine judgments. Damn hormones |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 06,August,2004 | urlLink This is a bunch of drunk people at my house. Third one from the left is my beautiful Katie T! We used to call her Big Mammy. Now she is Big Mammary Glands. urlLink |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 03,August,2004 | urlLink This Katie on Brandon's lap and Brandon enjoying his newfound sexual invigoration. urlLink |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 03,August,2004 | urlLink This was five years ago when we got Brandon in drag. He was the most beautiful fabulous man-girl ever. He enjoyed even more than we did. He's in the theater now.... and still claiming to be straight. urlLink |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 03,August,2004 | urlLink I was looking through the numerous boxes of pictures that I've kept since junior high. It doesn't help either that Kristi the Desert Princess was involved in photography for a number of years. I have pictures of fucking pictures for god's sake. urlLink This is Brandon, a seventeen year old wacko that Mike worked with. He was so much fun. He loved to be naked and in drag. It was almost like child porn except that he really liked it way too much. We were all sitting around drinking and playing cards and out walks Brandon like nothing's going on. What a scrawny cutie. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 03,August,2004 | Tonight on the six o'clock news... Mike holds a baby. We stopped by Jay's last night to pick up a gift that he had gotten for Mike. He buys things for Mike often. Last year around Christmas he showed up with a bobble head of that creepy, lizard creature Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. It sat on our entertainment center for a few weeks staring mendaciously at me from its perch. Finally I had to retire him to our upstairs room (No, it's not the Boom Boom Room) so that I wouldn't have to look into his scary, glossy eyes picturing him saying 'Precsshhhious.' So to reciprocate his affection for lavishing Mike with bizarre gifts we got him a subscription to Playboy. Playboy is right up his alley, the off color (most of the time no color) party jokes and the placid, glossy girls insisting that they like sex with just normal, ol' run of the mill blue collar boys... and they like it dirty. I'll be honest though. I like Playboy, some of their feature articles demonstrate impressive writing and incite. In the latest months issue (with that scary skeletal Wonderbra girl on the cover) there was a feature article about the decay of Detroit, Michigan from a personal perspective. A white man from an industrial working class town in England married into a black working class family in Detroit. The Detroit father was a staunt activist in his community, a sort of revolutionary in the 60's and 70's, but then things sort of went awry. His daughters turned out okay, but his only son ended up slinging drugs in bad parts of town. He was shot dead. It was actually a much better story than the run of the mill urban warfare stories you see written by men in bad toupee's who've never been in Detroit streets after 8:00. It was obvious and somewhat touching the personal stake that this reporter had in his subjects, it was very apparent the respect and admiration that he felt for both his father and brother in law. I like the boobs in Playboy too most of the time, except when I am forced to visually boycott those awful enemies of the real and droopie breasts, the machinations of evil empiric doctors to make women carry disgusting and hard basketballs on their chests. Oh dear, but I digress. Mike holding the baby. Jay's baby is about three months old, he's cute for what babies do at that age. When Mike had him he was staring me down. Jay insists that this is his young, yet nubile son's way of 'putting the pimp down on me.' Well, I am truly afraid, I've never been tempted by anyone under a year before. I thought he just wanted to fight. So Mike doesn't hold children, he hates children. He recoils in horror when babies start to drool and here he is with this litttle baby touching his news and telling him he's a cutie. What the fuck is this? What a strange twilight zone we were in. The first time I ever saw Mike with a baby he was holding it arms outstretched and face turned away as it screamed. He says this newfound affection is because this is the first friend that he's ever had pop out a kid. Maybe I'm a little bit less impressed because every fucking person I know is popping those damn things out and ruining any fun that any of us used to have. Is that wrong to say? It's like I went from hanging with crazy punker girls that pierced their own noses and kicked boys in the groin and threw themselves gloriously into the pit at shows to baking cookies all Saturday night like Goth-girl Martha Stuart! Some of them can't even be Goth-Martha. Some of them are wearing five dollar floral t-shirts from Wal-mart that say things like, 'I have attitude.' Or 'I'm the boss.' My fucking mother has those shirts... OH wayward girls, your children have syphoned your souls and replaced your core with this pod person of indiscriminate tastes! Woe is me! :-) Shit, digress again. I could never picture Mike with kids, now that I've seen it... It freaks me out. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 02,August,2004 | Friday night we got a phone call saying that our old neighbor from the infamous apartments of two years ago had finally OD'ed on heroin. If you want a little bit more background information on her and the times at the apartments you can go to urlLink http://www.nerdslut.net/articles/articles/jezneighbor.html where I wrote an article about them roughly three years ago. Shonelle was a fairly nice girl, just fucked up in the truest sense of the meaning. She was fundamentally fucked up, her foundation was fucked, her life was fucked, her everything was fucked. She moved in with Don next door with her 10 month old baby and Don apparently tried like hell to clean her up in the midst of his own dealings with substances, but Shonelle was if nothing else tenacious. She OD'ed in Arby's bathroom one time, hid syringes all over the apartment, bought drugs from the strip club she worked at. And finally after all of their Jerry Springer quarrels and their Maurey Povitch reunions, Shonelle took her baby and moved somewhere down southward where she could inject all the heroin she wanted without worrying about some nagging masochist telling her what to do. That was I'd say about two years ago. I don't know where her baby went, or if it's still even alive. Maybe she got him high too, you just don't know these things. The strange thing is: I'm not surprised or shocked. In fact, I'm a little smirky that it took her this long, but it's still not news that you wake up and expect that day. I didn't even really know her well. I found how she treated her little baby fucking appalling. She was paper thin with a slightly pretty face, but it was that kind of dreamy naive pretty, not conventional. She looked more like you would take her home and cover her in blankets while she stared silent ahead than you would pay her to take her clothes off as you watched. She seemed to always have this smile on her face, even when she wasn't fucked up, that signified that she really didn't have a clue, there was no recognition hiding up in her head. She was just kind of lost, she was on loan here, she was always prepared to head back off whatever high she had come off of. Life was lost when she wasn't high. But I'm romanticizing here. What you probably have is an economically destitute, uneducated, eternally adolescent female barely surviving. She was a dirty junkie, a dumbass, a failure to no cause. But it's hard to imagine that maybe she did opt out, maybe she saw through the sheer hazy fabric of her needles and realized the world was no more real to her than the dreams that she had had as a little girl. It's not a profound loss to the world, another stripper, another junkie. But it's a profound loss to Don, to her kid. To her mom. And we can all say how ignorant she was, and truly she was, but what the fuck did she have in this world. Even the kid didn't clean her up. So why not just fade into the background one last time, melt into the furniture, finally give up. Don's not taking it so well. He had been so positive lately, curbing the inane antics that he was infamous for, the puke drinking, the mindless destruction, the loathing self-indulgence. He was focusing on not fucking up his life beyond recognition anymore and now he receives news that his girl, no matter how broken up or far away she was, is gone. Gone gone. The kind of gone he's not equipped to deal with. So his world collapses front and center once again and we all wait for the kind of aggression that only come out of this poor white trash tragedy. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 14,August,2004 | It's a free and clear Saturday night and I am in hiding, self imposed exile, cluster-fucked seclusion. Aaron Kelly called, willing to make the trip here, he misses me and I want to see him, to fall into old grooves and silly instances of nitrus and pot and beer and his ironic sense of esteem. Mike has Jay coming, and I just want to run upstairs and sit in the dark, stare at the walls. I can't talk today, it' s not in me. This is why I can't keep friends. I run from them, and it's totally the pot, let's face it, the pot is completely at fault here. Beer makes me the hired whore of social impropriety, the party mistress of obnoxious laughter and tasteless jokes. But pot-- now there is a drug that removes any sense of motivational conversation making, it sucks the relevance of each and every word uttered between people. Suddenly for me now the witty retorts and catty jokes are lost in the toilet bowl water swirl of the entire universe's history of useless, insignificant conversations. I can tell in those hazy, swollen moments that this is how it is, was and always will be. Things never change and that depletes meaning from your existence. I never thought it would be like this, the magic sucked from every breath, the spark dwindled from every speck of dust. It's just bland and we can't even see it. God, I've just got to quit this shit. I'm going to think I'm fucking Timothy Leary soon. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 09,August,2004 | urlLink Lisa in Bed urlLink |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 09,August,2004 | urlLink Suck Dog tour urlLink |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 09,August,2004 | I wrote this a long time ago, I figure it bears reposting. I started reading Rollerderby when I was fourteen years old. I found it in Vintage Vinyl in St. Louis a used record shop that specializes in counter and pop culture. Wedged between free give away local band CD’s and mounds of local publications run off of Kinko’s coveted copiers, was the minimal selection of pay zines. Usually I spent my time in near ecstasy pouring over the free zines left by wayward teenagers, full of bad poetry and banal, wailing ramblings on an alienated existence in this cold, cliché world…. Things actually right up my alley. But on this day my wide, naïve eyes were brutally snatched by a black and white cover proclaiming the words “Rollerderby” boldly across the top, with a very bizarre drawing of a huge vagina. It was an expression caught between kindergarten artistic hour and insane asylum craft time, and I was in love. I spent the next hour sitting in front of that splintering, dilapidated bookcase reading all about how various people discovered sex, cocaine induced adventures, the mentally insane. Lisa Crystal Carver, creator, editor, mastermind of Rollerderby formed the zine in 1990 to regale her enraptured readers with tales of teenage prostitution and the wonders of blue eye shadow. She had stories to tell, opinions to express. She also told of tours with her band Suckdog, a tribunal of chaos, self coined as rock opera with nudity, screaming, and blood. Lisa says in the introduction of Rollerderby: The Book, a compilation of selected works from all Rollerderbys up to 1995, “Our shows always had lots of rape, murder, and revolutions—that’s pretty operatic!” She is perhaps the most interesting person I’ve ever read about and dreamed of encountering, if I could succeed in not cowering beneath her in adoration. I mean, how do you bow beneath a literary goddess while kissing her feet without seeming like a psychotic dyke stalker? You can’t. Rollerderby completely changed my perspective on the appropriateness of a lady’s behavior. All of the sexual tension and questions and just plain adolescent raunchiness was balled tightly inside of my small body dissolving my insides every day release did not come. And then, delivered from the gods, here is this nasty, overly sexual, unintimidated woman unashamed to divulge her most intimate secrets. Not only were we as an audience privileged to her sexual exploits and fantastical desires, but she pried the same dirty gossip from her friends and from rock bands and celebrities she interviewed. Lisa didn’t waste time asking who you listened to growing up, she wanted to know who you looked at while twiddling your Lil’ Lady. Rollerderby embodied everything I was interested in at fourteen, and even still today. Also in the introduction of Rollerderby: The Book, she says, “It’s just women’s way to tell the gossipy details… I know every single thing about my best friend’s sex life… That’s what I’ve hoped to make Rollerderby—like one of our conversations.” In my most humbled before her opinion, she has succeeded. Rollerderby for me was the intimate relationship that I lacked from school age acquaintances and the brutal honesty not delivered by adults. It was all the drug induced naked fun I wasn’t allowed to have. It was the answers to hard hitting questions that I needed to know, “How many sex partners have you had?” These are serious weighted issues, people. Come on! Sadly enough Rollerderby ended in the fall of 1999 with issue 25, but back orders of nearly all issues are available through Lisa directly. Although this brought the awful news of the end, I still love this issue. Along with ending Rollerderby, she also called it quits with Suckdog. Chronicled in this issue are the exploits of the band’s last tour. There’s also an interview with Holly Golightly and a humorous female interpretation of a death metal concert. Along with writing Rollerderby: The Book, she’s the author of Dancing Queen. A review from Dancing Queen’s site says, “'If I had to single out one person as the best writer to emerge from the self-publishing 'zine' scene, it would definitely be Lisa Carver, the razor-sharp, life-lovin' editor of Rollerderby. And in Dancing Queen, she is at her most vivacious, brutally honest and daring best. I'm convinced that fame, power and wealth are destined to be hers-unless she decides that it's more fun to remain white trash.' -Peter Bagge, Creator of 'Hate' Comics (http://www.fsbassociates.com/books/dance.htm). If this is your first encounter with all that is Lisa Carver, I STRONGLY suggest you execute a little research, the reward is immense. Lately she’s been writing for Hustler and Nerve.com. Her latest book, The Lisa Diaries, is a collection of her best writings on Nerve.com and is already out for consumption. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to get my hands on one. Blast!!! Here are some links to get that research started. urlLink http://slick.org/Rollerderby/ urlLink http://www.outyourbackdoor.com/OYB8/kmartshopper.html urlLink http://www.austinchronicle.com/issues/dispatch/2000-08-11/arts_feature.html |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 09,August,2004 | urlLink Kristi in New Orleans with me and Mike urlLink Oh God, here it is again. I'm so tired of bitching about it, but I'm feeling it like novacaine tonight. Maybe it's the weed, maybe it's how dry the house is when it's empty. Maybe it's how little time I try to spend with this new gelatinous version of my formerly enigmatic self. I'm like a mole hermit now, detesting the light along with civilization. I just popped a sleeping pill capsule all over my hands..... *Ech* So this is not a lovelorn letter to our adolescent losses. No this is something much more binding. I miss her like a kidney, like an amputated limb I can still feel tingle and burn. I miss her like my insides have slipped out and slithered away. And it's not really all her, some of it is legend that has brewed in my mind with a few years of alcohol abuse and denial. It's an acute loss because I have lost a part of myself. I am whole and complete with her here. Even though she's home on Christmas, she's home a week in the summer, we fall so quick-click back into place. I finish her sentences, she encourages our debauchery. We are the only ones that smile and clap with glee for destruction. She is the only one that brings that childish confidence to the surface, which leads me to the logical conclusion that I am my most beautiful and radiant with her. We are compliments to each other. We shine and glitter. And I always thought she was the weaker one, I was the overbearing- at times overtly obnoxious- dominator, but I am the one floundering. She has eased into her new role, her new climate, her new time zone. She has spread herself further and blossomed. She has become what we always talked about. I can only wonder why I am still tooling the same dirt, still breathing in these chemical fumes of failure. This all occurred to me when Mike and I were discussing the Naked Fire Fairy Dancing that had come to Kristi and I so naturally. It was like the culmination of this wretched past two years of our long distance friendship. It was a sort of purge and rebirth.... Even if to the outsider it was just a couple of naked drunk girls gyrating and dancing to Muddy Waters around a camp fire. It was so much more to us. It was a forgiving. So Mike and I were talking and he says that this is something that he expects from me, something that is so fundamentally me that he can't believe that he hadn't noticed how docile I had really become. And it is not mendacious. It is meant with love, I think. But it is a slap in the face because I miss this person that I was, or am. Or could still be. I miss this person that she brings in me, summons me like a snake charmer and there I am more lovely and streaming like water. I am a force to be reckoned with and to be seen and heard. But when she leaves I deflate and I am invisible once more. I have lost the people I loved once, the interesting ones. And it is my doing. All but her. All those engaging, interesting people that captured my heart as quick as my mind and then one by one I pushed them like foul bile from my body, from my emotions. I left them to wait and burn and simmer in their anger and I never cared. Because I had lost her. They're existence paled in comparison and I was blind. Crystal still won't speak to me. I miss her beauty. I miss what she taught me. I miss being eighteen years old and her explaining me why I wasn't quite as racially as open minded as I wanted so badly to be. But she helped me learn. She taught me there is no color in words on paper, there are no boundaries in stories, there is no exception for excellent writing, and mostly she taught me I was capable of it. But oddly enough I don't miss her. She turned sour somewhere along our journey and I became her easiest enemy. I became the one to blame for her loneliness, for our lack of communication, for our lack of common ground, when really it was the conducive alcohol that had ever drawn us together. Now sober and expecting that electric connection, well, now we bleed disappointed with how dull the other one really is. My point... Where did my point go? It's elusive in this haze. It's dancing in front of me behind pale labia-pink veils, but I can't quite make it out. I guess to simplify this very long entry.... I really miss her. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 08,August,2004 | We’ve been smoking pot and coloring those black, felt maker designs from your childhood, the ones with all the hippie swirls and cascading butterflies and the sun and moon dancing merrily in the cosmos. We’ve been doing that on a Monday. I called in again, he works overnight tonight. But now the munchies have attacked I’m covered with a slick wet stickiness because we’ve been deterring the air conditioner for as long as possible. These humid stubborn summers of flaking nostrils and frizzy hair, they’re long gone now, I can almost smell the ocean again. I tried to make all my colors fade together, something legibly connected, but it’s just a Mardi Gras poster painted almost by number if not by name. It’s near impossible to keep the bright psychedelic colors of the 60’s and 70’s from bleeding onto the white spaces of the paper. It’s so hot here I’m impatient, I’m pushing against my skin, this wet paper clung to my entire body. I’m pushing against my constant failure, my inability to be anything more than a brief afterthought of minor cunning, just a few more jokes and I’d be doing standup in seedy, smoky clubs called Ballroom Brawler or the Red Saloon. I keep telling myself to do something, to go somewhere, to become born once again. No, not jesus, me and jesus… Well, he left after I kissed his cheek. He left when it got too serious, when my words weren’t just hollow affections beating from my heart. He left and we’ve parted ways but I see his photography in the National Geographic at times. Or the Riverfront Times, the transvestites offering massages in the last three pages. The Wild Side or whatever that column is called. No born again like I’ve been missing near the caves and caverns on the river. I’ve been missing in action, the pod manifested in my bathwater as I dozed, the tubes invading my orifices like tubular cream snakes. They’ve been masquerading as this machinery. Suddenly I wake up and it’s 8:30 every day, every moment. My entire life consists of 8:30 in the mornings. This is my interim existence. I wait and wait for the glitch to snap, the record to skip and right itself, but no, every moment is the beginning of a day that never goes anywhere. So I resist, it’s small time mutiny, like petty shoplifting of revolutions. I call into work and console myself with marijuana and Ben and Jerry’s half baked ice cream. I console myself with hours of mindless television. I console myself with the emphatic promise of tomorrow. Tomorrow I will work out, tomorrow my face will smooth and retract from this swollen berry, tomorrow I will write the fourth chapter, tomorrow I will feel like a woman and I won’t push Mike away because pot infects me like paranoia cancer and I feed off the decay. Tomorrow is like the trim of a soft cloud holding its cumulous bushels in the corner of my house and I stare constantly at its billowing cotton and I can feel the promise of tomorrow. Something has to be better than this right here, right now. |
3,668,449 | female | 24 | Banking | Aquarius | 08,August,2004 | urlLink Mike the SexxxGoddd urlLink |
4,092,173 | male | 25 | indUnk | Aries | 30,July,2004 | I was having a relatively average Friday at work when I decided to step outside for a fresh dose of nicotine and a butt scratch. As I was revelling in the sensation of my fading itch I noticed a flock of geese flying overhead. Inevitably the lead goose (I like to refer to the leader as 'the big cheese') was cut down by a nudist pole vaulting midget (sorry, 'small person' [I really like the brackets today]). As the two came crashing to the ground in a whirling pile of blood, puss & soft white bird feces I had a rather embarrasing moment of my own. A horrid scent tickled my senses. It was the kind of scent one doesn't pick up from a big cheese and a small person colliding 40 feet in the air. No, this scent was a little closer to home. Only after I felt the squishiness between my lower cheeks did I realize what had taken place. Some form of monsterous human being must have stolen my pants right off my body while I was distracted by the mid air catastrophy. This foul being then made doo-doo in my brand new Tazmanian Devil boxers before carefully placing them back on my body. A change of shorts and a roll of toilet paper later I began my hunt for the elusive undergarment defiling creature. Armed with only a plastic fork and a half burnt cigarette I patrolled the nearby streets for nearly half an hour when it hit me. Perhaps some of the other lower to middle class working folk in the area had been violated by the underpants bandit. I went to my truck and grabbed my CSI kit I ordered off the net. It arrived last night, just in time for me to uncover the mystery of the soiled ginch. Unfortunately I was unable to find any evidence outside of my own underpants. There didn't seem to be any eye witnesses either. Maybe they had been paid off or were just too afraid to talk. The bandit must have got to them. This journal entry was not influenced in any way by any sort of illicit substance. I don't need drugs to be crazy. |
4,092,173 | male | 25 | indUnk | Aries | 30,July,2004 | The typical debate exists between the chicken and the egg. The question I am compelled to ask is on the level of the chick/egg, but has far more substance. So, what came first, the dude or the ness? The chicken does not exist without the egg, nor the egg without the chicken. The dude and the ness however can exist as separate entities, but combined, they are Dudeness. 'nough said. |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 28,May,2004 | hey ya'll! i'm in earth science and we have a free period so yeah.... michael & megan were over here with me but then they left b/c i was still typing the stupid shit that didn't publish before! grrr. well i'd just like to say i'm so glad all my drama is over with from like the past few days... ha ha i'm sure some of you had to hear all about it and well i'm sorry. well class' bout over so i gotta bounce yo. ha peace, bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 22,May,2004 | ok well i just typed like a ton of shit and well it didn't work i'm in earth science right now thogh. anyways let me see if this one will work. |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 22,May,2004 | hey! well i kinda forgot i had a blog for a while. life's kinda been a blur over the past few days... congrats to EVERYONE at saint mary's who got confirmed! that was really fun to just see all of you. i wish i'd been up there with you tho. leah congrats on your jewish confirmation too! hah that was soo much fun! ok for those of you who weren't there tho... there were these ppl in front of us in the temple i might add, MAKING OUT! the whole time. and not like teenagers, like fat old ugly ppl! it was soooo wierd. i mean during a service. it would be the equivalent of me making out w/ someone during mass ! it pissed me off actually. haa well i have so much more to say but i gg peace |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 18,May,2004 | well hello hello everyone! today was lot's of fun for me. although rather uneventful.... sort of. school as usual, running, as usual. well not quite as usual, i ran at home today since track is over... and oh wait i'm still running! oh yeah and i forgot tho... i have a C in curtis' class! is that not crazy, too bad i'm like awesome in his class but ok let's give me a 'C'! haha oh well. i'm kinda giving up on this whole school thing. it's getting old. oh man and guitar concert tomorrow! dont forget, come watch me 3rd period, tell you teacher to take the whole class! ok well i gg eat sum dinner. peace~bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 17,May,2004 | well today was just normal pretty much, except it's so hard to believe track's over! i was so lost after school today. actually justine and i had a fun time though. ha ha she and i and ryan started the ' ckwgdttgsawiatabs' club. and for all you non members... that is the 'cool kids who walk down to the gas station and walk in a triangle and buy slushies' club. yeah it's just that awesome. then justine and i thought it would be a good idea to hop in the back of mark's truck and not tell him we were in there, which in case you're wondering.... really scary thing to do! too bad i really think they knew we were in there all along though. anyways, they drove like insanely and scared the shit outta me, but it was all in good fun. sooo too bad i'm about to go running even though tracks over, but it's all good. i get to go swimming anyways. yess! ok well bye guys. peace |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 16,May,2004 | well today was a pretty good day... (i can't help but think to myself dude why does anyone care about how well my day went...) haha oh well i enjoy writing it. i just got back not too long ago from jenny's house, b/c we had our end of the year track party! pretty much everyone came, including ryan cav! which was so fun b/c i mean he doesn't even run track! we got to hang out which i mean is always a fun time. then i ate like 1000 taco thingys, which were really good. it was kinda bittersweet tho, b/c i don't know what i'm gonna do w/o jenny and all the seniors next year. it'll be so different. but it's cool tho chris williams is gonna join and so is ryan cav, seriously.... football? anyway, that was fun. ok and on an entirely different note, i have to get something off my chest. what's going on in iraq is sick, and our country is seriously screwed up sometimes. we have to work to stop all the violence and craziness people! i was getting so mad in world history the other day, because some people are just so uneducated, and so unaware about what's going on. i mean we bombed a hospital, we are killing innocent people non-stop. we're an imperialist nation, it's sad. anyway, that's my 2 cents. i gotta go do my earth science homework from last friday so i'm out. i love you all a ton! peace, bernie |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 15,May,2004 | well anyway you're probably getting bored of reading this by now, but i've just got a lot on my mind that i need to let out. so as i was saying we won states, and my dad was like wow bernadette you didn't race... but then a few minutes ago i was talking about how i ran like complete shit and he was like 'coming in 5th in the state isn't bad bernadette' so i guess he's over it.... i mean i did run really well yesterday so, i suppose he's proud about that. anyway winning states was absolutely amazing... the last race, the 4x4 decided whether we win or lost states to FORSYTH the insanely good team.... and well we won in an absolutely amazing race. i'm never gonna forget jenny just crying tears of joy as we finished, so overwhelmed.... and everyone just screaming insanely. as emily said 'it's an amazing feeling bernadette!' and well brianna came and saw everyone for the first time since xmas when my dad and her got in a huge fight, so i couldn't be happier. *sigh* well i hafta go shower i'm disgusting, and really really really sunburned. i love you all! |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 15,May,2004 | Oh my gosh! i'm so excited i actually have a blog now! i feel like a raleigh charter person.... anyway today was an amazing day. first of all we had our state track meet today and yesterday. it was amazing. just let me say i LOVE all you people on track, and i'm so proud of everyone. our girls team won states for the first time ever in gibbons history, which gibbons has been around a LONG time. anyways, my coach said i scored 10 percent of the team's points.. so that's really exciting. i ran my fastest times ever. in the 2 mile i came in 3rd in the whole state, and i ran it in 11:35. and then i ran the mile today which SUCKED. i dunno what my time was but i really don't wanna know. i came in 5th in the state. my dad's words were 'bernadette you had it right there in your fucking hands and you just didn't race.' which i mean was true, i could have come in 2nd in the state if i'd run hard. oh well it's over now i suppose. well i have more to say but mom calls so i'll post another in a min or so. love you all sooo much! peace |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 12,June,2004 | Hey hey hey, I'm at ariels house right now, for her graduation par-tay. moira and ariel and ellen headed out to the pool but laura and i weren't really in swimming moods sooo uh we're in here. yeah kinda bored.. |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,June,2004 | Two nights ago I went to a memorial for Don Clark Pearson, and it was a good experiance. Don was the cross country coach at East Chapel Hill high school, and went to Chapel Hill high school when he was younger. My Dad used to write about him in the Chapel Hill News. Don commited sucicide last summer. So, 2 days ago would have been Don's birthday, so we celebrated, had cake and told stories about Don. Now, as corny as it may sound it made me realize that life is short and you never relize when you are going to lose someone. Also I was thinking about seeing as life is short, I should write about things that are more meaningful... If something were ever to happen to me and you were to read my journals,. you would find worthless shit about like guys I had crushes on in the 6th grade. Where as I want to let everyone know how much they mean to me, and about my life. So, I'm gonna publish this and write the rest later because I already wrote everything out and it was erased when the computer messed up. :-( ok well peace, bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 07,June,2004 | It's the first day of summer I suppose. I mean it's the first Monday that we're not at school. Yay! My day was rather uneventful though. I went to practice this morning, and wow we had 17 girls show up, which is insane! That's so many girls. Plus we have these kind of new coaches like Joe, and Nick Mangum. We did out and back course just on the main road, which was alright. I actually kind of like the little sophomores who joined our team. They're alright. Let's see so I get back from practice, and my Dad is like let's get mad at Bernadette for everything she's ever done! I dunno like he just all of the sudden started yelling at me. Eventually I just started crying, and then he was like I guess I'm sorry, or whatever. So, I dunno... that sucked. He says that I don't appriciate him. Which I don't think he understands just how much I do for him. Like, let's think, why am I a runner? Oh yeah that's right because of my Dad. Why am I doing the newspaper? Oh that's right, because of my Dad. Why do I call my parents constantly whenever I spend the night with people, oh yeah to make them happy. And, why do I like never do crazy shit, oh yeah because of my parents. Oh well I'm over it. i gg peace, bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 04,June,2004 | sweet that exam just dominated me.... and i'm so pissed that i still have a 'C' in spanish, even though i studied my ass of for the exam and got an 88 on it. yeah, that's awesome. I've made straight A's in spanish my whole life and all of the sudden i have a 'C'... that rocks. wow, bernadette's life seems really interesting...not.... um, me and bernadette def just failed our earth science exam ( megan) anyway i guess i'm out, gotta study for english so that i don't fail that too. peace, bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,June,2004 | Ok so 2 more days, nothing I can't handle. Spanish exam was alright too actually, I suppose all this studying is actually paying off. Oh and just a note to everyone at my lunch table from this year, I love all of you, each one. Even if I was mean sometimes, or add, or annoyed you to death with my talking I still love you all. I really hope we have a good lunch again next year like we had this one. you know looking back on this year, it really has been a good one. Melissa and I were talking ( how unusual) and we were just saying how we've really accomplished everything we wanted to accomplish this year. I mean it all started back with Operation Orange, which some of you might remember, and then there was the ever changing thousands of OPP's after that. Although some of them did work, and are kind of still going on. Plus we won states for the first time ever, and I became editor for next year, and mastered the guitar. Plus I think I really figured out who my friends are this year, and I'm so happy about that. The people I've surrounded myself with this year, have been amazing. I don't know what I would have done without all my friends. Lunch at IHOP rocked my life! ha ha Everyone the waitress at the IHOP on Capital Blvd. Is sooo nice, yay free sundaes! I'm gonna miss everyone this summer, and we have to get together and just do lunch like we did today, if not more. Peace b/c I've gotta study! Love, Bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | sooo 2 hardest exams are over.. thank God! curtis's theo exam wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. if you studied you'll be fine. geometry was alright too i think. i was proud of myself on my mid-term for geo.. yay A! and i beat certain really smart ppl in my class. geo what a great class, i'm gonna miss all you add mother fuckers. ha ha not it was really good tho. speaking of ppl in goe.. brian i love your hair! i think i wanna cut mine, although not buzzed like brian's. tomorrow i have spanish w/ krull.. omg, i think i'll be fine as long as i study, but i'm procrastinating on that one at the moment. i'll probably go do it in a few. omg i'm so glad it's almost summer tho! my summer is going to rock! i can't believe i leave for nicaragua in like 2 weeks. i'm soooo excited. it should be amazing. oh man and sorry i have to brag about myself real quick, i'd just like to say.. most valuable reporter, news editor for next year! yay! and also all conference in the mile, conference champion for the 2, all state for the 2- mile, 5th for the mile! 11:35 for the 2, 5:25 for the mile. holla! oh and some guitar award, that i'm pretty sure everyone got haha. still it's an award. ha ok well i better go study. bye! wish me luck... |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | so let me just say leaving anonymous comments is pretty cool.... not! like if you're going to make a comment at least have the gut to say who left it.. coward. |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,July,2004 | hello hello, well i just got in from seeing 'Anchorman' with walt and his dad... i thought it was really good, plus walt works at the theather so i got in free..yay! i'm bummed i can't make it to practice tomorrow, too bad i'm supposed to be running 54 miles this week, yeah that's right 54 miles! ha ha even the NC State girls said that was a lot of mileage. I dunno how I feel about doing high mileage, i mean on the one hand we have high goals that we wanna reach as a team and individually so I mean I wanna do what it takes, but on the other hand, 1. how much is too much.. eg. overtraining...shin splints you know 2. running like 10 mile runs by yourself sucks balls. oh well i'll quit complaining. i went over to justine's last night for her 'not a birthday party/hangout' which i mean i guess was pretty cool. things got pretty hectic, michael thompson cracks me up though, i never knew he was so crazy. and i really liked giving melissa and justine their birthday presents. ha ha my card cracked me up. sara riggs you're the best girlie! and so are you melissa, it was so good to get to hang out, after soo long. ha ha ok well i guess i'm gonna go to sleep or something since i went to bed at like 5 am this morning and then had to wake up for church.... nite! |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 09,July,2004 | wow so i'm at work and 8 hours a day in one house w/ three little kids is not so fun.... |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 07,July,2004 | HEY! Wow, I missed my blog! So, I just got back about a week ago from my delegation to Nicaragua! Let me just say, it was incredible. I can't even begin to describe everything that happened. First of all let me just say, Nicaragua is the most beautiful place, the scenery is amazing, the people are welcoming and kind, and it's sad that they have so many problems. Also the people I went with were awesome... I love everyone on my delegation! There are a few main problems in Nicaragua, the debt they can never pay off, the IMF and WTO's 'structural adjustment programs', & the immense poverty. Nicaragua seriously is in the middle of an economic war. It's sad that country's like the US spend billions of dollars on war and weapons that kill when Nicaraguan people can't afford the necessities to live. Anyway, it was an experience I will never ever forget... More on it later I suppose. It's nice to be home, but I kind of miss all my friends... Although Sara I had fun yesterday. :-) Hmmm, so now that I'm back, here's my life as of now, running, working ( which I'm doing right now), hanging out. I would like to say that I was invited to go to the beach, Hershey Park, Ohio twice, but I had to say no to a lot of those options.... Boo hoo Alright and now for the random shallow part about my Nicaraguan trip.... I SAW JA RULE at the airport, and got a picture with him... YAY... haha alright that's all for now, because I should be checking on the kids I'm babysitting.... haha, oh and Harry potter 3... What a good movie, and I'm dying to see farinheight 911! Peace, Bernadette |
3,354,122 | female | 16 | indUnk | Cancer | 02,August,2004 | wut up.... i'm at laura and ellen's right now b/c we're having our 'reunion' w/ the yonkes who i haven't seen in sooo long. let's see, what've i been up to... well cfl and camp for the past 2 weeks. let me just say both= sooooo much fun. john and alice are the coolest even tho i haven't seen them in like 5 years, so i thought it would be awkward. anyway, cfl, seamus you are the best, doug you're so funny... ummm camp cypress bay i love you guys.... kev,lee,doran,billy you guys are great. well i gg so much more i could say. peace, bernadette |
4,321,739 | male | 16 | Arts | Virgo | 24,August,2004 | Hey all, I hit the streets today in search of a job. I would like some cash flow, seeing that I spend alot I should provide my own means of income. Had all my classes today, my english teacher looked over my transcript and said I might be able to Graduate by January. Hmm...I guess I have to burden myself with work and school. I don't mind, I need to do something someday for whatever reason right? Of course. Met some...'interesting' people today during lunch, feels better to not be a social outcast now. Well, less so at least. I'm currently getting a set ready for my new clay movie, but I need R.T. *Lindsey* to help me with a script. Quite frankly I don't beleive I will be able to commit much time to the upcoming ones with school and possibly a job, but don't be concerned, it'll be great, but it'll take longer. -Hush |
4,321,739 | male | 16 | Arts | Virgo | 23,August,2004 | Hello all, Hush has dug himself into a mighty big hole. Oh well, today I left around 6:50 to catch the bus to my new school, woo indeed. I waited there and I almost thought I was in the wrong spot, but around 7:10 people started to show up, I got on the bus and blah blah blah, then at like the third stop some teens with their kids got on the bus, I really didn't know what to make of this, seeing as they didn't have those at Aragon. The commute from San Mateo to San Bruno is about an hour long, makes for some good cd listenin to time. I got off the bus and went to the registration tables. The sign behind it said new students, please report the to the library, you always gotta do what a sign tells you to do right? slowly the room started to fill up with people, i prefered sitting alone in my little corner, but was joined by some thuggish mexicans, good thing i knew some of them or I would have been rather uncomfortable. Well we did the normal 'ok we're gonna go around the room and you're gonna say your name and what school you came from and then a goal' Well I said my info, *name withheld*, from Aragon and I wanna be a mechanic. Not that anyone was listening of course, I could have very well said screw you all, I come from downtown and I wanna be a porn star. You know that feeling where if you look at someone for a second it seems the turn their head the other way? Like if they were just looking at you? I got that for the longest time today, more on that later. We went on break and I talked to Kim and Patrick for awhile, so far they seem to be the only people I can hang out with at the moment. Kim is a cutie, and Patrick is...well...a big big idiot, but thats fine. Both can be a little anoyying and immature at times, but I can't make a big deal out of that cause hey, I do that alot as well. So we got back in and we do this thing where, if we agree with the statement we have to move to either side of the library, I feel like I'm being watched again and I look out the corner of my eye and this beautiful girl says hi and waves at me, for some reason I thought to ignore it, i bet she was waving at the guy next to me, oh how wrong I was. The lunch bell sounds and Kim wants to get something to eat so I lend her a couple bucks and she gives me a chain that I wear around my right arm now, standin in line still at this moment and that girl comes up to me and says Hey Nick *oh yeah, my name's Nick* Gee, I guess someone was listening to who I was and what I wanted to be. So by the time I turned around I was dumb struck in awe. I beleive I said 'uhh...Hello there...' and she asked if I remembered her. I dont remember my own name at this point and she asks if I know her? Outlandish. She says she went to school with me at McKinley and her name is Amber, now I start regaining sense of my limbs and I say 'Amber...Puh?' and she bursts out Press. Shit damn, I know her. I had a major crush on her back in 4th grade, and now she is in super model status, I cannot beleive she spoke to me. Absolutely stunning....more over, she re-introduced me to Tanisha, I haven't seen them since 4th grade. Its amazing what time can do to people, it hit everyone but me of course, everything skips me. Everything after that point is dull, school gets out at 1:20, busses show up around 1:25, and I get off the bus at 2:11. I talked to everyone about how Aragon was, some people were shocked that I don't go there anymore, and some just forgot (IE: David). More or less, I might become something one day now that I can get some credits and a job. At the current time I like someone, no one YOU would know, but sadly, the feeling is never returned, or even a hint of it. This isn't good cause I am semi-dating someone now. I really wish I knew what to do...grrr. Well I'm off to go create more lovely creations...you know...the clay toon type. See ya. -Hush |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 30,March,2004 | Before: After: |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 29,March,2004 | I'm going to try my best to get an early night today. I didn't get up until gone 3:00pm today, and that's WAY too late to be getting up! I'm not much of a morning person, but staying up late all the time can be doing me any good, so I'm going to try and get some early nights again, and maybe waking up at 10:00am each morning. Wish me luck. UPDATE: It didn't work! I tried to get to sleep, but could not drop off, so I got up, booted up the computer again and spent the night chatting with Natalie until about 4:00am when I finally felt tired, and managed to get to sleep. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 27,March,2004 | I've been spending a lot of time over at urlLink StripCreator.com since I found it yesterday. It's a fantastic site, one that gives you all the tools you need to make your own comic strip. You can visit my page using here: urlLink http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/TheWorldofDan/ At some point, once I feel I've got enough funny strips, I'll be putting them up on their own page in the Ninth Dimension section, but until then, be sure to keep checking the site above for my latest work. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 27,March,2004 | I've not as of yet been to sleep, spent too much time playing with my new project (The Eerie Network) and chatting with Natalie and other friends. Before I knew it, it was 5 AM and I was still awake. As I've got to be available from 8 AM till midday (to give someone some keys), there is little point in me going to bed just yet (if I did, i'd not get up again in time). Anyway, so I'm now sat here adding more pages to TWoD (you lucky people) and drinking lots of coffee (or as I like to call it, 'Morning Candy'). |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 26,March,2004 | My parents are away for the weekend, over to Swansea, I'm guessing to visit family friends Kay and Dave. Now I'm not one to go planning wild parties (not any more anyway), and I'm definitely not the type of go bragging about it on a site that my parents could read... But it's been such a long time since I've done anything like that, so I'll see what I can arrange... Maybe an en-mass gaming session. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 25,March,2004 | I thought that I'd bake myself a cake for the site's 'Birth' Day. You can view it urlLink here . (with thanks to urlLink http://www.letterjames.de/ .) |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 22,March,2004 | I'm very happy to announce that I've finally launched The World of Dan . The current launch of the site has been in planning for around a year, and in development for 3 months or so, which was mainly due to laziness on my behalf. It even suffered a total of 3 redesigns (for various reasons), but now that it's open, I can say that I'm very happy with the results. I've not totally finished with the site yet, so over the next few weeks you may notice some minor changes (such as more pages added to the Xepheus section) but over all, what you see now is what you get. I've even got a big idea planned that will effect the whole site, so keep your eyes open for that. I hope you enjoy my site, and pop back from time to time to watch me on my web cam, or read my blog. Oh, and don't forget to sign my guest book so I know you've been to visit me. Thanx. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 22,March,2004 | You might think I'm mad... but it's only the 3rd weekend since I started the project of getting TWoD running, and I've changed the site design once again. I was never happy with the dark blue site... I thought it looked good, and might fit someone else, but it's not me. So I've designed a new template (yet again, all my own work, no templates or anything) and am currently in the process of transferring the content from the old site to the new. I quite like the new site design, I can see myself sticking with this one. Since meeting Lisa via myvideochat.net I've learnt a lot about new web standards (such as XHTML and CSS design) and while I've not yet picked them all up - I've grabbed some - and am running like hell with them. It's good to learn something new. Especially as it's making my job easier. (Thank you Lisa). |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 14,March,2004 | It's now the following weekend from my first entry, and while I have been working on my site, I don't feel I've done anywhere near enough work on it. I have been playing around with the colours: what was once a very dark grey site is now dark blue. I'm not 100% sure that it suits me, but I've used an external CSS style sheet, so if I want to change one of the colours, the whole site will automatically update (I love technology). I've just got myself one of them IP forwarding sub-domains. It's a little application runs as a service in the background on my computer. Every 3 hours it checks my IP address, and updates the server to reflect this change. From now on, anyone that wants access to my machine can use the following URL (I'll have to keep my firewall updated): urlLink http://theworldofdan.no-ip.com/ In addition to the IP thingy I've also installed two music tracking plug-ins for Windows Media Player. One of them offers a better website with music tracking features, while the other is better for content (i.e. a dynamic signature for the forum, XML of my recent tracks, JavaScript I can use on this site, etc..). Together they should draw quite an interesting picture of the music I listen to. Anyway, I'd best get on with my work, I'm about to transfer some of the pages from the old site to the new, then add some new ones (namely: music, web cam, contact me, guest book, etc..). If I feel I've done enough, I'll launch tonight and finish off during the week *fingers crossed*. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 08,March,2004 | Hi. Welcome to my blog. I've never really kept a journal before, too much hassle I guess, but that's all going to change now - thanx to Blogger. I was looking into ether building my own blog system from the ground up, or installing a PHP based blog script to my server, but after seeing how much Blogger gives - and how little it asks for in return, I could not say no. My blog is going to have lots of posts about me, it might contain information on what's going on in my life, rants, links to cool websites, or even the results to them silly internet tests (although I might put them on their own page). Anyway, my site is still in development at the moment, it's being a pain in the Arse because I can't get the colours right, but I'll keep at it, and with some luck, if I pull my finger out, it'll be done by next weekend... Wish me luck :) |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 29,April,2004 | Yesterday I took my computer to a shop in Sidcup called NSM. They had been the guys that fixed a problem with my mum's computer some time last year, and so I was hoping that they could do the same for mine. I explained that there was a scratching sound coming from hard drive, and that it's been known to overheat, then left it with them. This morning I got a phone call letting me know the machine was fixed, and I was welcome to go and collect it. One quick trip to Sidcup, and just under 130 pounds later (65 pounds for a new 40GB hard drive - can anyone say rip off, 10 pounds for a new heat sink and fan, and the rest on labor and VAT) I was back home and eagerly setting it up. As I connected all the cables, I visualized myself playing some Dark Age of Camelot and Unreal Tournament 2004, I could not wait. Initially, Windows XP uploaded up, and looked like it was working. I even managed to get my DVD drive to play a music CD (the drive has been dead for over a year now), but the weird network problem that had ground my machine to a halt was still present (as I expected), so I started the process of reinstalling Windows. This is where the problems started. It would start loading from the Windows XP CD, but then freeze once it got to the 'Starting Windows' screen. I rebooted and tried again, this time it actually got as far as formatting the drive and starting to install part of the program, and then froze again. Every time I tried to do something, it would get so far, and then stop. I don't know what the problem is, but I'm fairly sure it's related to the strange network problem that started a few days ago. I'm taking it back to the shop tomorrow in the hope they can fix it, and I truly hope they can, or my plans to turn it into an external web-server, when I get my new computer, will have to be put on hold. That's if I can even get a new computer, if I can't complete the project that's going to pay for it due to this one being out of action, I might as well wave goodbye to all my future plans. These past few days have not been much fun, but at least something good has come out of all this, the fact I've 'borrowed' and have been using my dad's mini Sony Vaio laptop while my PC has been out of action. It's a fantastic little unit, 6 hour battery, built in web cam and microphone, built in wireless connection, half the size of normal laptops, and fantastic for chatting to your mates while in bed. Although I'll be happy once my computer is fixed, I'll be sorry to have to give this back. In other news, yesterday my first bank account in something like 2 years was opened. It's with the Co-op Bank, and while it's only a 'Cash Minder' account (an account that even bankrupt people can have), and its debit card is an Electron (the least accepted of all the debit cards), it's better than nothing, and should help me rebuild my credit. I just hope that when World of WarCraft is released, Blizzard accept Electron. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 26,April,2004 | I don't know much about baseball, but so far as I understand, it's three strikes, and you're out? If this is the case, my computer is currently on it's second strike. I woke up just before 12:00 noon today (about normal for me) and found my computer was already turned on (this is weird, but I think I might have woken early, turned it on, then went back to sleep). I went to log into MSN Messenger, but found that before it even tried to connect, I got an error message ('Signing into .NET Messenger Service failed because the service could not be found. Please make sure that you are connected to the Internet. 0x81000302'). After a brief look around my system I soon discovered that, for whatever reason, my network adaptor was not working... but more so than that, ALL network features were down (including my ability to connect to 'localhost'). My parents are still away on holiday at the moment, not back till very late tonight, so the soonest I'm going to be able to take it into a shop, and have it looked at is tomorrow, meaning I probably won't have it back myself until at least Wednesday. When I do take it in, I'm going to ask them about the possibility of a minor upgrade, maybe a new processor and some extra RAM (say a 2ghz processor and 512mb's RAM, depending on price), and a new hard drive, which is what I believe the root of all my problems is, although I've not had any scratching sounds today. Anyway... wish me luck. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 24,April,2004 | Against all my better judgements, I've been tempted to return to the realm of Albion, and start playing Dark Age of Camelot again. I plan on playing a Necromancer called Xepheus, and exploring all the parts of Albion that I never got to explore the first time around. I'm also looking forward to some of the new features the game is meant to have added (such as player housing, something I'm very keen on trying out), and returning to RvR combat (which if I'm honest, I do miss a lot). I guess that this should hold me until World of WarCraft is released... I just hope that god has mercy on my soul! UPDATE: Camelot was not as bad as I remembered. Many times, since we all first left the game (for reasons I can't even remember now), I've been back to Camelot, but as I've always been on my own, as a result of boredom, I've not lasted much longer than a couple of days (if that). This time I was with Nichol, and as we was grouping, and working together, it was not that bad because I had someone to talk to. We started in Albion, and both created new characters (I had Xepheus my Necromancer). After a couple of hours we got them both got to level 5 (for anyone that has played the game, you know what it means to get to level 5), then logged out for dinner. After dinner we then moved into Midgard and resurrected our old guild 'The Army of the 12 Monkeys' (starting to see a trend with our guild names yet?). Because all of my characters in this realm had been deleted, I started a new fighting class character called Cepheus (meaning 'The King', which is where I originally got the name Xepheus from), and with a little help from Nichol (and his level 45 'buff-bot' Shaman), I got Cepheus to level 8 (pausing for a moment to turn him into a berserker at level 5). We're going to play again tomorrow, probably for the whole day, and with luck should get Cepheus to at least level 20 so we can enter the battlegrounds (along with one of Nichol's other characters, he's got tons, all of different levels in this realm). I'm looking forward to the RvR, although when I first played the game I was not a huge fan of it, over time I've grown to appreciate how much fun I actually had within the battlegrounds. If we get into the game again, we'll start inviting new members into the guild, and have a proper go at it again (same as before, supporting the crafters with money, etc..), if not, we'll play the game till we get bored, then pack it up again. At least we gave it a try, and at any rate, playing DAoC should get us in the mood for World of WarCraft once it's release (at which point I'm going to drop everything I'm doing and dive in head first). |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 22,April,2004 | Ain't it a bitch? You wait forever for a fantastic gaming offer, then two come along at once... First of all I should like to draw your attention to the urlLink Tribes 2 site , and their latest news posting: We're celebrating the upcoming release of Tribes: Vengeance by giving away Starsiege®: Tribes® and Tribes 2 for free on a special-edition DVD-ROM bundled with the newsstand edition of the June issue of Computer Gaming World magazine and online via FilePlanet.com. The giveaway is meant to celebrate the fourth-quarter release of Tribes: Vengeance, the next installment in the venerable Tribes franchise of PC action games. That's right, you can now download and play the fantastic Tribes 2 game for nothing. Sierra have had this tradition of giving away old games when new ones are released, I just hope that this extends to things like Half-Life now that Half-Life 2 is near completion. Now head over to urlLink this page on Fileplanet.com : Turbine Entertainment Software has partnered with GameSpy to offer the full version of Asheron’s Call 2: Fallen Kings for purchase of only $12.95 through FilePlanet! This purchase will give you your CD Key and a location to download the client will be given on your key page and by email. Once again, a fantastic offer that I think people would be foolish not to take up. You want to know the only bad thing about it? I already own both these games, so I've missed out on some fantastic offers, but this does provide me with a fantastic excuse to play both these games again, so it's all good. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 22,April,2004 | My computer has calmed down a lot since yesterday, it will boot up after about 10 minutes of weird scratching sound, but once it's booted, it works fairly well. So far only crashed while playing a game (Neocron, I was driving someone across the wastelands, and it crashed while I was zoning.. I hope he got to his destination), so it should last me for at least the weekend. I was going to take it into a computer shop today, but as my parents are away from tomorrow for the weekend (again, woo hoo), so I won't be able to collect it again until Tuesday, which is a bit too long for me to be without a computer, even with access to my mum's one. Not only that, but I want to play City of Heroes again tonight, it's the last night of beta, and as a result they are staging a server event, an alien invasion for everyone to help fight off.. should be tons of fun :D If all goes well tomorrow, I'll write my CoH review for TheICE.co.uk, and then start working on my two new Fight Club Monkey / League of Extraordinary Monkeys websites. Oh, and I'm meant to be getting the files I've been waiting for from Rail Gourmet, so I can start their project, and actuality get paid for it (watch out new computer, here I come) so I'm going to be a busy boy. UPDATE: I missed out on the server event. My computer obviouly had other plans for me because it would not run the game. Oh well... |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 21,April,2004 | My computer is truly on it's last legs... I can't even turn it on without it freezing every 5 minutes. And that horrible scratching sound that comes from the hard drive is driving me crazy. Luckily I'm able to use my mum's computer to do things like post this message and check my email. I'm going to see if I can pull together £40 to buy myself a new hard drive from PC world later, then start the whole process of formatting the drive, and reinstalling everything... again!! Wish me luck. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 19,April,2004 | I got an email inviting me into the City of Heroes beta today. I would have posted this message earlier, but I was too busy being excited about actually getting a beta spot for once. I have to admit that it's a total shock that I got into beta, I was not expecting it at all. I only added my name to the site after I saw Justin on TheICE.co.uk posting about how he had got in, so I though 'what the hell'. I got the email just before 7:00 pm, started the download just before 8:00 pm, waited 3 hours for the client to download, then started playing at around 11:00 pm. And have been playing solid up until now (just before 3:00 am). I'm not a huge super hero fan, never have been. There is one super hero comic series that I follow on an on/off basis called The Authority, but they are not like normal super heroes. I was not planning on getting the game due to my lack of interest in super heroes, but now that I've played it for a while, I might change my mind about that. Not because I've gained a sudden interest in the genre, but because this game shows that true promise. I'm not someone to be won over easily when it comes to a games graphics, but I was highly impressed at the fact I've got an old (ish) computer, and yet the engine running the game run very well. I did get pockets to graphical lag, especially when in a busy location, but it was easily ignored. And the graphics actually looked good despite the age of my rig. Game play wise, so far it's a very standard MMORPG affair, but highly advanced from any MMORPG's I've ever played before. Before you can do anything, you need to make your character, design their look, and give them a funky name. Similar to the 'race' and 'class' selections of a fantasy game, this lets you choose from 5 different 'origins' (such a mutant, magic, natural) and 5 'archetypes' (such as blaster, tank, scrapper). After this, based on your choices, you choose what initial abilities you want, then move onto designing what the character looks like. This is where the game shines, for once you can truly look unique to everyone else in the game. According to the urlLink City of Heroes website , 'Our bank of supercomputers has calculated the number of distinct costume combinations available in the game at somewhere in the neighbourhood of 2.24 x 10 to the 24th. Give or take a few million.' Which is a hell of a lot of customisation. Personally, due to my choosing of a magical origin, I went for something very mystical: a dark blue outfit with a hood and mask covering my face, and glowing magical symbols covering it's surface. (I'll get a screenshot soon). After choosing a name (Xepheus... what else would I be?). I entered the game. You are initially greeted with a tutorial explaining the basics of combat, experience, and items, etc. After a few simple missions, you are let loose into paragon city, ready to wreak havoc with the gangs that make the streets unsafe. I've not got very far into the game yet, and would not like to make too many comments in the way of game play, but I will soon. So be sure to keep an eye on the reviews forum over at urlLink TheICE.co.uk for my full review. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 18,April,2004 | Thanks to some of my very good friends, my chillout music collection has doubled in a matter of hours. I'm now the proud owner of most the albums by the following fantastic artists: Air Boards of Canada DJ Shadow Enigma Groove Armada Massive Attack Zero 7 Be sure to keep an eye on my urlLink My Audioscrobbler Page to see how much I listen to all this new music (it's going to be a hell of a lot over the next few weeks). |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 15,April,2004 | Another day in 'Blizzard land', and one of the World of WarCraft game developers comes up with a new and fantastic 'innovate' idea for WoW... and everyone complains (even though out of everyone that is complaining, none of them are in beta, so none of them truly know how it's going to effect the game). This new idea is the concept of 'resting', here is what the WoW site says about it: Rest State The Rest state modifier only affects experience earned from killing monsters. It does not affect experience earned from quest rewards or other experience rewards in the game (such as future PvP experience rewards). As players kill monsters and gain experience points, they become increasingly tired. Their rest level reflects this tiredness in five tiers: well rested, rested, normal, fatigued and exhausted. Well-rested players receive bonus experience points for killing monsters. Rested players receive a smaller bonus. At the normal rest level, players receive no bonus experience points for killing monsters. Fatigued players receive half of the normal experience points from their kills, and when exhausted they will receive a quarter of normal experience from a kill. To become well rested and start earning bonus experience from killing monsters again, players must either log out or rest online at an Inn (see below) for several hours. Thanks to the comforts of a warm bed and a hearty meal, players who rest or log out at an Inn can regain energy up to the maximum level: well rested (it takes 8 hours to go from exhausted back to well rested). Players who log out anywhere else in the world will only regain energy up to the normal level. Note that while your character is resting at an Inn, you can play other characters on your account. The rest state is per character only. Now this sounds like a great idea to me, it will give people an excuse to go off and do something else, something other than the classic level grind that so many other MMORPGs suffer from. WoW is not designed to be a level grind game in the first place. It's designed around the idea of questing... some people will find this idea hard to get into, and might find themselves in a level grind situation, god knows why though, it's almost as if they enjoying repeating the same activity for hours on end: (pull, kill, pull, kill, pull, kill, pull, kill, pull, kill, rest, pull, kill) This new rule will encourage them to start exploring the world, and doing something else instead with their time, something fun. They could participate in some quests. Maybe help defend their lands from the opposing faction in the PvP arenas. Learn to fish at a nearby lake. Or even take up crafting in a local village. You never know, but it might even make some people want to go have drinking contests in the local taverns, I know that I'm going to do this at least once. I truly find it hard to swallow that people would prefer the 'same old same old' ideas rather than something truly ' innovate'. What's wrong with people today? |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 12,April,2004 | I've been playing Lineage 2 for the last couple of days, and I'm highly unimpressed ... It's lacking a hell of a lot of content, and is relying too much on it's graphics (which to me don't look all that because I've not got a top of the range computer anymore). An example of how it's lacking content is the fact that the first quest for each race is the same: After a very quick tutorial on how to move, you go and visit the village elders. They will command you with a quest to go and retrieve four fox fangs. After doing this, you'll soon find yourself being sent to an NPC in a local village, and then being told to go away until you are level six, left on your own to level up (treadmill anyone). As a Dwarf, there was one quest available to me... I had to go and kill 40 black wolves, and take their pelts back to some mad old woman... Fun! I realise that the game is still in beta (and it shows, word wrap doesn't even work), but so far as I understand, this is a direct (bad) translation of the Korean version, which is currently live, and supposedly the best game in Korea... Yeah right!! I'm going to uninstall this game now, I'm not in the mood for more treadmill game play, I got fed up with that while I was playing Dark Age of Camelot. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 09,April,2004 | Went to see Shaun of the Dead this morning... It's great, very funny, highly recommenced. It's what I would class as a 'funny horror' rather than a comedy, i.e. it's a horror film first and foremost, but with lots of funny moments in it. It's very well written, and takes you on a roller coaster ride of emotions as the story unfolds. If you liked Spaced: watch it! If you like comedy: watch it! If you like horror films: watch it! Best British film in a long time. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 07,April,2004 | I've spent some time today updating TWoD, not much had changed though, I've just smoothed off a few rough edges, etc.. The biggest change is that of the Photo Gallery becoming an Image Gallery. 'What's the difference?' I hear you cry... The type of image it hosts: Before, the gallery was just for photos of my friends and I, and the outings we went on, etc. Now it's also going to be used to host different images of me, i.e. cartoons, avatars, etc.. I'd like to say a big thank you to urlLink Darwinian Theory for the urlLink two images he done of me via my urlLink web cam . Expect to see more photos of me as I approve them for viewing in the near future... So keep checking back for updates. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 03,April,2004 | It turns out that there is a mouse loose in our house somewhere. So far as I understand, it spends most of it's time in the kitchen (I'm guessing under the floor boards), but I think that it explores the rest of the house at night. Krystal (our cat) is on full alert, and determined to catch it... |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 03,April,2004 | I'm happy to say that I've successfully reinstalled Windows XP Pro SP1. I was worried that at one point it might not work properly because of some strange noises my computer made, but I've managed to get it working. I'm currently reinstalling everything... this is going to take a while... |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 02,April,2004 | I got my ear re-pierced today. My mother, using a large and rusty kebab skewer, held me down, and jabbed it at my ear until she finally hit the spot I wanted. Lots of pain, lots of blood, lots of extra holes I didn't want.. but that's life. LOL, na, it didn't really happen like that. It was a simple procedure, I had two holes in my ear already, they just needed to be reopened. So, using the thinnest earring she had, my mother just pushed the hole though, and it was done.. no pain, no fuss. I used to wear earrings all the time, but had to take them out when I worked for FoneWank. I've not worked for them for a long time, but never really thought about wearing them again, until today. I'll have to go out and find some cool rings or studs over the weekend, I'm thinking something slightly gothic, blacked silver or something, but nothing over the top. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 01,April,2004 | I hate getting involved in flame wars on forums, in my opinion they are all totally pointless and can never be won by ether side, as illustrated by the following quote: 'There is no point arguing with idiots. All they do is drag you down to their level, then beat you with their experience' - Unknown . But on this occasion I could not help myself.. I had to get involved because I was standing up for what I believe in. This war was based around the correct usage for the word urlLink 'Gay' . Allow me to explain: I've been making comics on the urlLink Stripcreator.com site for a few days now, and for the most part I've been very much enjoying my time on the site, even going as far as recommending the site to a number of my friends. A few days ago I went into the sites forum and decided to post a selection of my work in their feedback forum (titled 'Read My Damn Comic' or RMDC for short). I was posting the message in good faith that I would get some honest feedback from some of the regulars, and maybe some hints on improving my comics (which I admit myself could have been better). All I got was insults. One of the site's members, MickeyG, came along and posted in the largest font he could, that my comics were Gay. At first I told him to fuck off if he had nothing nice to say, waiting for more normal feedback from other members. This was my first mistake. He came back with some lame arse excuse that he was not flaming because it was the RMDC forum, and as such all feedback was valid. He then went on to say that he did not mean the word Gay in a homosexual reference, but in a corny or cheesy way. For a start I don't class calling something gay as being feedback. Feedback is when you take the time to look at something, and point out, in detail, it's faults as well as praises. If you think that something is bad, by all means say so, but also say why, back it up with some valid reasons. Secondly, anyone that knows me knows that I don't like people using the word gay as an insult. Not because I'm being insulted, but because they are insulting a whole way of life. It's as bad as people who use racist words to describe people of different colours (words which I will not repeat here). I know that I should have stopped at this point, I know that I should have been the better person, and just ignore it, but this person was plainly trying to be offensive, and cause as much chaos as he could, so I decided to reply to this message with a comic I titled urlLink English for Retards . In reply he decided to quote urlLink Dictionary.com , and put the following on the site: Gay. Adj. 1. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. 2. Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry. 3. Bright or lively, especially in color: a gay, sunny room. 4. Given to social pleasures. 5. Dissolute; licentious. He highlighted the 5th entry stating 'That last definition is definitely a negative thing'. I had no idea what Dissolute or Licentious meant, but after looking them up, it's obvious that he didn't ether. In an effort to backup my argument, I posted their meanings on the forum: Dissolute. Adj. 1. Lacking moral restraint; indulging in sensual pleasures or vices. Licentious. Adj. 1. Lacking moral discipline or ignoring legal restraint, especially in sexual conduct. 2. Having no regard for accepted rules or standards. A few more insults were fired, and I felt like giving up, walking away in defeat, but my good friend Natalie came to my defence.. it felt good to have someone fighting in my corner, and let me tell you, she's far better at flaming than me. She puts it down to the fact that when she's given the opportunity to attack 'immature 12 year olds who think they know it all', she takes it. The rest is messy, and far too much to go into detail with. I shall highlight this one point however. MickeyG, supported by his little group of friends, defended his usage of the word gay by saying 'For the love of GOD. YOU are gay. Have you never seen an episode of South Park? I'm apparently not the only one who has used the word 'gay' this way. Shaddap'. Personally I found this funny, he was basing his entire argument on a TV show. When we tried to point out how retarded it was to do such a thing, he and his mates kept saying things like: 'They obviously don't have the brainpower required to understand the satirical part of it'. I admit that I've enjoyed it from time to time, and thought that the movie was was very well done, but people need to learn the difference between reality and fantasy, and not choose to base their lives on cartoons. I called a ceasefire last night. I told them they could go on about it as much as they wanted, but I was not going to get involved anymore. I did however go back and post one last message, explaining my position because someone had the wrong end of the stick. They posted 'maybe if you knew what gay meant before he told you, then this fight wouldn't have started'. I knew what he meant when he call my strip gay, I was just trying to educate him on how it was wrong to use the word in this way. Anyway, it's all over now, thank you to everyone that helped me in this little war, I doubt that we've made any difference to these peoples lives, but then that's up to them. If you want to read the thread and argument in full, go urlLink here . |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 26,May,2004 | Hi, sorry for the lack of updates but nothing much has been happening in my life, nothing all that interesting anyway. My laptop is still being a bitch. I'm getting blue screens of death and the occasional freeze-up on average at least once a day, and no idea what's causing it. I phoned up Evesham tech support and asked for help, but all they could do is suggest that I format and reinstall everything... thanks guys, real help there! At least they let me know who the motherboard and chassis manufacturer is, now I can download the latest drivers for everything. My PDA has 'broken' :). I've had to call it in to be collected and repaired, but the truth is I'm hoping they can't repair it, that way, they have to supply me with a brand new one... They were meant to come collect it yesterday, but so far no one has showed up. Oh well, I'll phone them tomorrow and complain (it's OK though, gives me more time to break it a little more – whoops, did I just drop that hammer). My dad has taken two weeks off work to do some building in the garden, so for the next two weeks I'm going to hide in my bedroom, and hope to not get in his way. So far as I understand it, the green house we currently have is going to be moved further back the garden, and in it's place, a 'den' for my dad is going to be placed. I think he wants somewhere to store all the tools he has been buying, and I guess he's going to use it as a work shop when/if he retires (although I guess that's still a few years away yet). Last thing, I've finally had some files for the Rail Gourmet project sent to me, for me to start learning how the developer has coded it... but these are still not the finished product, and as such I still can't start any actual coding... What's even more funny is that this project now has a deadline of the end of the month... yeah, right! Anyway, I guess that's all for now, I'll try to keep this thing updated more often, but unless something interesting starts to happen, I won't have anything to update it with. Oh, and keep your eyes on the 'Xepheus' section of the site, I'm going to start working on adding some content soon, you lucky people you :) |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 18,May,2004 | I've just had a leaflet promoting the BNP posted though the letter box. I ripped it up as soon as I saw what it was, and I hope that everyone else does the same. For anyone that does not know, the BNP (British National Party) are a political party akin to the Nazi party. They claim to have Brittan's best interests at heart, but the truth is, they are nothing but a collection of racist thugs. I would much rather support the urlLink Anti Nazi League . |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | If I ever get my hands on one of the many virus authors that live in the world, I will make them wish they had never been born. In case you've not already figured it out, I managed to get myself infected with a virus today. The Win32:Netsky-P worm. As I talk, I'm franticly running as many virus checks as I can in a bit to fully remove it. It was a virus you get in an email pretending to be a text document. I'm normally shit hot on seeing them for what they are, and deleting them, but this one slipped past me. As I'd only just installed Outlook (and had not yet installed an anti-virus programs - naughty), I had around 50 emails to download. I was sorting them out, seeing what I had, and deleting all the junk (which was most of it). As I'd just signed up for a PayPal account, I had a whole bunch of emails from them. One of them, the last one of the bunch, had a title of 'attached is your bill'. I should have heard warning bells, but before I knew what was going on, I had opened the zip attachment, and run the file enclosed. I knew within a second what I had done, but it was too late. Anyway, as I say, I'm currently running a whole bunch AV programs to remove it, I just hope it's not caused too much damage. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 06,May,2004 | My laptop has been delivered. I can't believe it's here already, so quickly. Yesterday I was going out of my mind, thinking about how it was going to be at least another week before I could use it. But today, just after 12 noon, there was a knock on the door, and a very nice man holding a box said 'delivery from Evesham for you'... I was shocked. I've been playing around with it for the last couple of hours. I've installed 3D Mark 2003 and run it's tests (got a score of 2575), and I've installed FarCry (which I purchased yesterday), it looks amazing. I'm currently formatting the hard drive and installing XP Pro... I've got it, I might as well use it. As with every new computer, it's loaded up with a whole ton of crappy software that I'll never use, so I might as well start a fresh. I have noticed two minor problems however... First of all, the volume is very quiet. Even with both the software volume, and the volume control on the case, turned up, it's whisper quiet. I'm hoping that installing XP Pro might fix this. Second of all, the USB ports are very tight, and at first did not want to recognize the USB mouse I had plugged in, but I swapped it for another that I've got, and it worked fine. Oh, and the free case I managed to wangle has not been delivered yet, but I phoned them about that, and it's being delivered tomorrow. Anyway, I must dash, need to go look after my computer. I'll keep you updated though. :) |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 06,May,2004 | For the past few days I've been waking up with a very sore throat. The pain and total lack of lubrication would prevent me from even being able to speak. It would take at least half an hour of sucking Halls Soothers, and drinking Lemsip, before feeling better. Luckily today, however, it was not so painful. Although my throat is still bad, and I've been coughing up flem all day (plus now my ears hurt every time I swallow for some strange unknown reason), it's obvious I'm on the mend (YAY!!). I've had to swap laptops today. I've been using my dad's mini half-size Sony Vaio since my desktop computer stopped working almost 2 weeks ago, and although I've ordered myself a new laptop, it's still 8 days away. In the meantime however my dad needs his one back, so I've got permission to use my mum's laptop. It's a Dell Latitude, and although not as powerful as my dad's one (and very slow), it has a full-size keyboard and monitor, so it's all good (after all, I only need it for checking my email and chatting on MSN). Talking of computers, I've started to feel some strange computer game withdrawal symptoms. Although I do have my GameCube and GameBoy Advance, I'm a PC gamer at heart, and it's games such as Unreal Tournament 2004, Painkiller, and Dark Age of Camelot that I'm longing for. All I can say is that 8 days delivery is about 8 days too many. In other news, now that I'm starting to get myself into order, and have my bank account set-up, etc.. I've also signed up for a PayPal account. I'm able to take donations using it, and so I'm hoping that some of the regulars on urlLink TheICE.co.uk might be willing to help towards some of the site's running costs (click the link on the sites home page). While we're on the subject of money, I've signed up for a sellers account at eBay, and listed my first auction ( urlLink Dark Age of Camelot & Shrouded Isles Collectors Edition ). If this item sells well, I've got a whole host of other games and items I can sell using eBay, I just need to see what happens (I'll keep you updated). |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 05,May,2004 | I've kept fairly quiet about this in case for any reason it didn't happen, but since my computer went down I've been looking into buying a laptop. At first I was going to buy a very basic one just for work, one I could use to complete the Rail Gourmet project, and then fork out the cash for a nice and powerful desktop after I had been paid for it. But I soon realised that I could not afford to buy both a laptop and desktop, so I decided to spend a bit more on the laptop, and find a spec. that would last me a few years as a desktop replacement. Anyway, I've been comparing prices, getting feedback from a laptop forum, even taking a trip up London to test drive some of the systems. And now, I've not only chosen the laptop of my dreams, but have indeed ordered it: urlLink Evesham Voyager 6400 A30 AMD Althlon 64 3200+ Processor (upgraded from the 3000) 1024 MBs RAM (upgraded from 512) 60GB Hard Drive 15.1' SXGA+ TFT Screen (1400x1050) ATI Mobility Radeon 9600 128MB DVD/CD-RW Drive Internal Modem and Network 4 x USB, Firewire, Printer Port, etc.. I even managed to get a free case out of the deal. All of that for the fantastic price of just below 1250 pounds. According to the salesman, it will be delivered in 9 days time... I can't wait. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 01,May,2004 | I feel like shit at the moment, since Sunday evening I've had a sore throat. At first I thought it might have had something to do with the beer I was drinking (it started while I was drinking it), but it's now three days later, and it's getting worse, and spreading. My nose is stuffy, my throat is VERY sore, I find it hard to swallow and talk because of the pain, and when I am able to speak, I sound like Barry White. It's annoying because I've had to cancel a meeting with a potential client, I didn't think I would have given the best impression. Anyway, as I'm sure you can tell, I'm not in the best mood at the moment, but with some luck, later today I'm going to make a purchase that should help cheer me up. I'll let you know what once I've brought it. |
2,947,268 | male | 25 | Internet | Cancer | 01,May,2004 | I'm off out for a party. I intend to get moderately drunk and have a good time, so I'll catch you all on the flip side. UPDATE: Party was fun, but I think we left too early (I had to leave at the same time as my friend as I needed lift off him back home). |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.